


Back to Beta

by airandangels



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Angst, Corruption, Crying, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Gen, Jasper Redemption (Steven Universe), Redemption, Talking, minor singing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-02
Updated: 2017-06-10
Packaged: 2018-08-19 02:05:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 32
Words: 198,408
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8184911
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/airandangels/pseuds/airandangels
Summary: Amethyst and Steven try to reach Jasper via dreams to see if they can help her.  Yet another attempt to cope with a hiatus leaving a character I really like stranded.  Unrelated to my other Steven Universe stories, this is full of emotional turmoil but also friendship and kindness and hope.  I have it on good authority that it has made people cry.  I don't know if it has made anyone sing or cry while singing.  This story splits from canon after the episode "Earthlings."





	1. Chapter 1

“So,” Amethyst asked, “we doing this?”

“I think we have to,” Steven said, frowning, “but it feels weird not to tell Garnet and Pearl.”

“Shyeah, because they’ll just tell us not to.”

“But Pearl -” he began hopefully.  

“Just ‘cause Pearl ran from the cops and got a girl’s digits doesn’t mean she’s gonna say sure Steven, see if you can reach Jasper in a dream and try and help her, that doesn’t give me a heart attack just thinking about it.  I mean, it’s not like she called her.  I think she just likes having the paper.  She stuck it on the fridge with a flower magnet.”  Amethyst flopped over the end of Steven’s bed, her hair hanging over her face. 

“But you’ll be going with me,” Steven argued, sitting up in bed.  “I’m not going alone so the first thing is to see if we can link up dreams like I could with Kiki.  Once we know that works, maybe we could talk to them and knowing you’d be with me, they’d feel okay? And then Garnet can look with Future Vision and see if we’ve got a good chance.”

“I just…”  Amethyst blew and her hair fluttered upward before pattering back over her face.  She brushed it away irritably with the back of her hand.   “It’s not just that I don’t want them to tell us no and have to have a big debate about it.  It feels like this is Quartz business.  You, me and her.  Can we not?”

“Now you say it, it kind of does feel that way,” Steven said slowly.  

“I don’t expect them to understand.  Like really, how can they understand?  They love us and everything but they’re not defective or corrupted.”

“Okay,” said Steven, “but I’m leaving a note.  That seems fair.”  He rummaged in his bedside drawer and found an old birthday card and a pen.  Folding the card back on itself, he wrote on the blank inside surface.  “Doing dream experiment.  Don’t worry.  Wake if not up by morning.  Love, Us.”  He lay back and stood the card on top of the quilt over his tummy as if it were a “reserved” sign on a restaurant table.  

“Okay,” said Amethyst, curling up below his feet.  “G’night.  See you on the other side.”  

“Okay.  Night night, Amethyst.”

He snapped off the light and they both lay waiting in the darkness.  The house was quiet except for their breathing and the quiet hum of the fridge down in the kitchen.  

“I shouldn't’ve drunk all that Monster,” Amethyst said after a while. 

“Try counting sheep,” Steven suggested drowsily. 

“Hey Steven.”

“Yeah?”

“If you see a creep in a hat and a striped sweater, run.”

  


Amethyst wasn’t sure she was dreaming until she noticed one of the roses had Steven’s face, and then he was kind of crawling out of the middle of it like a much cuter and friendlier Sadako - why did she have to have horror movies on the brain tonight?  He landed on the grass with a little “oof.”

“Hey, this is a pretty dream,” he said, looking around the garden.  

“Yeah, kind of out of character.  So it worked!  Dream five.”  She held up her hand and he slapped it.  “Now the next big thing is to see if we can get down to where Jasper is.”

“Right.”  Steven scrunched up his face thoughtfully.  “Being bubbled  _ oughta _ be kind of like being asleep, right?  Close enough, I mean?”

“Well, if it’s not we didn't lose anything by trying,” Amethyst pointed out. 

“This is a two-parter, though,” he said.  “One, can we find where she is, her dream?  Two, can I bring you over from your dream into hers, or can only I go over?”

“If it’s only you, just come back here and we’ll think of something else.  Don’t psych yourself out.”

“It’s what we do,” he said with a rueful smile.  “Okay, let’s hold hands, that ought to help us stay linked.”  They lay side by side on the grass and looked up into the sky, a deep midsummer blue.  “I guess we need to focus our thoughts on Jasper, but it’s not as if I have any really nice thoughts about her.  I feel bad for her now, but I’m still getting mostly big, loud, scary…”

“I know, me too.  Uh… orange?” Amethyst suggested.

“At least that’s neutral.  Okay, tall.”

“Good hair.”

“Heh, like us.”

“Quartz, like us.”

“From Earth, like us.”

Something small and bright appeared in the sky above, sinking towards them..

“Dude, I think we summoned her bubble,” Amethyst said softly.

“Ooookay.  I don’t know how we did that so I hope we don’t stop doing it,” Steven said.  Gradually the bubble descended until it rested on the grass between their heads.  “I think… okay.  Just concentrate on our hands together.  Wherever I go now, you’re coming too.”  His eyes closed.  After a moment, Amethyst closed hers too for luck.

After another moment, she had a weird feeling that was over before she could think what it was like.  She would have tried to go back to get it again, because it was sort of goosey and interesting, but she was still concentrating on following Steven.  She couldn’t feel the garden grass under them any more, and now she was thinking she felt sand.  

“Amethyst?” he said.  “You can open your eyes, we’re through.”

She blinked.  The sky above them was stormy grey and she could see a reddish-brown cliff looming against it.  “Hooboy,” she said.  “I think I see where this is going.”

“Yeah, it’s Beta.”  

Amethyst sat up and looked around.  There was no sign of the bubble any more, which sort of made sense.  They were lying in the sand in the middle of the canyon of the Beta Kindergarten.  There was no sign of the abandoned and broken injectors, of anything, really, except for the rock walls with their irregular holes.  “She bolted for home,” she murmured.

“Again,” said Steven, rolling onto his hands and knees and getting up.  “What do you want to do?”

Amethyst pulled at her lower lip, thinking.  “I think you should stay put.  Not leave, ‘cause we’re in this together and anyway I think if you go I go too.  But you know how she is about you.  She doesn’t like me either but I probably have a better shot at getting near her at first.”

“Okay.  Promise you’ll yell if you need me.”

“I’ll yell my head off,” Amethyst promised.  Steven gave her a quick hug, then sat down on the sand to wait.  Cautiously, she approached the colossal exit hole in the canyon wall.  Cupping her hands around her mouth, she called out, “Hey Jasper, you in there?”

“GO AWAY.”  Jasper was always pretty loud but issuing from the back of a deep hole amplified her voice impressively.  

“Yeah, nah,” Amethyst muttered.  She stretched her leg up and clambered over the edge of the hole.  She hadn’t actually got in here before, and assuming Jasper dreamed it the way it really was, it was strikingly different from her own.  There the walls were kind of blobby; here they were glassy smooth.  Well,  _ she _ was kind of blobby so it figured.  It looked like it went a  _ long _ way back.  She let her gemstone glow just a bit to light her way, not so much that it was like a spotlight.  Didn’t want to spook her.  Actually, it had just occurred her that the fact Jasper had said “go away” rather than roaring like an animal was probably a good sign.  Whatever kind of shape she was in, it probably included a normal mouth.  “Hey,” she called out softly.

“I told you to go away.”  It was a low growl, but it sounded more exhausted than threatening.

“And normally I’d be all about that, but I really need to check on you.”

No real answer, just a fading grumble.

She followed the voice to the very back of the hole, where Jasper was sitting huddled up hugging her knees.  She turned up the light a little to see her better.  She looked like she was the right shape, humanoid and everything, but her skin was discoloured and mottled in patches with that creepy turquoise, and when she looked up into the light and snarled she sounded pretty feral.  Amethyst turned down the light and sat down.

“Hey,” she said.  She wasn’t sure what to say next.  Garnet would know but she’d been so set on not telling Garnet about this, now she was stuck.  She drummed shave-and-a-haircut on her knees and made an absent-minded popping sound with her lips.

“Did you come all the way back here to make stupid noises at me?” Jasper demanded.

“Nope, but hey, gotcha talking, right?”

“How are you even here?”  There was a flat resignation to her tone, as if she’d accepted a conversation was going to happen whether she liked it or not.

“It’s magic.”  She didn’t think it was a great idea to introduce the subject of Steven right away.

“Why  _ are _ you here?” Jasper asked wearily.

“You shouldn’t have to be alone when you’re feeling like this.”

“Why should now be any different from all the rest of the time?”

“Hey, I’m sorry I didn’t come sooner.   There was… stuff going on and I thought you’d want time to cool down.”  She knew it was an excuse.  She hadn’t wanted to face Jasper, she’d wanted to distract herself, and it had taken a while for the guilt to pile up enough to get her moving.  “I’m here now.”

There was a long pause before Jasper said, “What  _ for?” _  She sounded honestly puzzled.  “You defeated me and I’m your prisoner.  Are you here to gloat?”

“Nah, gloating’s for jerks.  I just want to let you know you don’t have to be alone.  I can keep you company sometimes.  We could talk about what’s bothering you.”

“And then you can tell me how great Earth is and how I should just give in and let Rose Quartz do whatever she wants with me?   _ Spit _ on me?”

“Well, no.  That’s a good thing to start with, though, let’s clear  _ that  _ up.  I know it’s not gonna make sense to you, but that person is not Rose Quartz.  I know, I know, he’s got the gemstone.  He’s got her powers but he doesn’t remember anything about her life.  He can’t give you any answers about the things she did.  He had no… I had no idea either.  About Yellow Diamond and Pink Diamond?  Nobody told me.  That was before my time.”

“How… is that thing not Rose Quartz?  What  _ is _ it?”

“He, not it.  He’s half human and half Gem.  Which is how he can fuse with another human and make Stevonnie, who you met when they kicked your butt at the beach.”

“So  _ that’s _ not Rose Quartz either?  At least it was closer to the right size and shape.”

“Jasper, I’m sorry, but Rose is gone.  She gave up her physical form to make Steven.  The little guy who you’ve been calling Rose.  Half human, half Gem.  Does it help at all to know that?  He’s not pretending not to know what you’re talking about or trying to jerk you around.  He really doesn’t know.”

“That’s just… I don’t understand at all.  I can’t understand.  How could that even work?  It’s just  _ sick.” _

“That’s another thing I dunno.  The more I find out about Rose these days the more it seems like she kept a  _ lot _ of secrets.”

“So I’ve been - this whole time - I’ve been talking to a human-Gem hybrid creature and calling it Rose and thinking it understood who I was and what it meant that I was here and the whole time I’ve been making a fool of myself?”  Jasper hid her face in her hands, shaking.  Amethyst wasn’t sure if she was laughing or crying.  It might be both together.

“You couldn’t know,” she said, shrugging uncomfortably.  “It made sense with what you  _ did _ know.  You gotta drop the ‘it’ talk, though.  Steven’s a person.”

Jasper took a long, shuddery breath.  “I have messed up every single thing I’ve tried to do since I got here.  Every single one.  I didn’t get even one thing right.  I can’t believe it but I know it’s true.  Every single one.”

“I know how it feels messing up.”

“Of course  _ you _ do!  I’m not supposed to!  I can’t believe this.  I can’t believe it.”  She wrapped her arms around her legs more tightly and hid her face against her knees.  A muffled sob escaped from her.

Amethyst scratched her neck.  It was hard work staying sympathetic when Jasper was so damn rude about her and Steven, and she was thinking of giving her some more cool-off time, but she’d just be the same when Amethyst came back, wouldn’t she?

“This is why Lapis doesn’t want me back,” Jasper said, muffled.  “She knows what I’m  _ like. _  She doesn’t want a wreck like me dragging her down.  Nothing is ever going to work.  I know how  _ flawed _ I am now and nothing is ever going to feel right again.”

“I know you feel like that now but it’s not really true.”

“Oh, how would  _ you _ know?” Jasper asked.

“Because I’ve felt like that but it didn’t turn out that way.  Everything didn’t get better but some things did.”  She tried to think what she could say that wasn’t going to circle back on how Jasper had hurt  _ her _ feelings.  “There are times when I still feel that way but also times when I can think about other things and feel good.  Music helps.”

“I hate music,” Jasper said sullenly.

“What, all of it?  Okay, we can think of something else.  Food is good.  And listen… about the Lapis Lazuli thing.  I probably get more than you think about that too.  It’s not exactly the same with me, but I know what it’s like when you don’t want to have to be  _ you _ and the fusion feels so much better and stronger and cooler.  But sooner or later you have to deal with why being you sucks so much.”

“But being you  _ doesn’t _ suck, because you’re  _ perfect the way you are,”  _ Jasper said.  

“Can you please not be sarcastic about that?  Would you like it if I was all sarcastic about something Pink Diamond told you?”

“Shut up about Pink Diamond.  You don’t know anything about her.”  The growl in Jasper’s voice surged up again dangerously.

“Yeah, I  _ know  _ I don’t, which is why I won’t go around dissing her.”  Amethyst stretched out her legs and tapped her feet together.  “Do you wanna tell me about her?  You know, why she was so important to you?”

“She was  _ my Diamond,”  _ Jasper said incredulously, as if that covered everything.

“Well, I don’t know anything about that either.  I never had a Diamond.  I’m free range and feral.  I’d like to understand but I don’t think I’m gonna unless you tell me about it.  Pearl and Garnet sure won’t.  They’ve been keeping secrets from me all my life.”

“It’s like you’re not even a Gem,” Jasper said.  She shook her head, her shaggy hair rustling on her shoulders.

“I met someone else who told me something,” Amethyst said, slowly and carefully.  “She told me she saw Rose Quartz shatter Pink Diamond.”

“She told you the truth,” Jasper said.  

“I didn’t get a chance to ask her a lot else and I know Garnet and Pearl won’t talk about it.  I don’t wanna ask you about a really bad memory, but there’s no one else who… I could  _ trust _ to tell me.”

Jasper gave a hoarse laugh.  “I can’t even do that.”

“Sorry, I shouldn’t’ve asked -”

“I wasn’t even  _ there.” _  The last word was savage; it sounded like it  _ hurt.   _ “I would’ve stopped her!  I would have  _ saved _ her.  I wasn’t  _ there.” _  Her voice dissolved into a sob.

Amethyst hesitated, then put out her hand, hoping it wasn’t going to get slapped away or bitten off.  She found the hard bulk of Jasper’s knee and patted it.  “Hey,” she said softly.  “I’m sorry.”  Then, wondering if this would be how she got parts bitten off, “Why not?”

Jasper choked back another sob.   _ “Your _ side staged an attack as a diversion.  I was there fighting.  I thought I was protecting her that way.  I wasn’t there when she needed me and I don’t even really know what happened, I mean, I can, I can ask other people, I asked everyone… I still can’t - can’t understand.  I ruh - I respected Rose Quartz, I thought I understood what she was doing, I can’t understand why she  _ did _ it.  She was going to tell me.  She was supposed to  _ tell _ me if I had to  _ beat _ it out of her.”  One huge fist swung out and crashed against the stone wall, and Amethyst winced.  It was on the side further away from her, though.  She didn’t think Jasper had done it  _ at _ her.

“I’m sorry,” she said again.  “That really sucks.”

Jasper made another weird sound in between a sob, a gasp and a harsh, barking laugh.  “Cuh - can’t believe  _ you’re _ puh - pitying me.”

“This isn’t pity.  I just feel bad for you.  Wish I could make you feel better.”

“That’s pity, stupid.”

“Don’t call me  _ stupid.” _  She kicked Jasper in the ankle.  She didn’t seem to feel it.  “Hasn’t anyone ever just been  _ nice _ to you?  It’s like you don’t know what it  _ looks _ like.”

“You just  _ kicked _ me, you’re not  _ nice.” _

“Nicer’n  _ you.” _

“Never said I was nice at all.”  Jasper dragged the back of her wrist across her eyes and straightened up a bit.  “Listen, nobody’s ever taught you anything, and maybe I have to.  Being a  _ Quartz _ is not being  _ nice. _  You don’t get to be nice.  You have to fight.”

“I can do both,” Amethyst muttered.

“Psch,” said Jasper.  After a long pause, she said quickly, as if she hoped she could say it and yet get away without Amethyst really noticing it, “Pink Diamond was nice to me.  Always.  I thought that was what a Diamond did but…”

“Yellow Diamond’s not real warm and fuzzy, is she?”

“Yellow Diamond… huh.”  Jasper tipped her head back against the rock.  “Well, she’s not gonna be surprised I ruined everything.  She knew she was getting damaged goods but she gave me a chance.   _ She _ always knew I wasn’t perfect.  Yellow Diamond can see inside you.”

“I do remember she had scary eyes.”

“When have _ you  _ ever seen Yellow Diamond?”

“Over a communicator thing while Peridot was telling her off.”

“P - Peridot was telling Yellow Diamond  _ off?” _

“Yelled at her and called her a clod.  It was badass.”

“What  _ is _ Peridot?  How is she  _ doing  _ all this?” Jasper demanded.

“Beats me, but it’s pretty great!”

“Glad you enjoyed her  _ impaling me.” _

“Well, I didn’t enjoy  _ that _ part, I was feeling bad for you by then.  Was still pretty proud of her.”

“I have to say it was impressive.  In a horrible nightmare way.  It should  _ not _ be possible, though.”

“She can do things  _ she _ didn’t know she could do.  Kind of an Easter egg.”

“I don’t know what that is and it still doesn’t make any sense, especially for an Era Two like her.  With resources as tight as they are nobody’s going around building in secret extras.”  

“Maybe it was an experiment?” Amethyst suggested.  “Trying to do more with less?”

“Then why wouldn’t she be aware of it?  Maybe it’s different for you, but I came out of the rock knowing what I could do and started doing it.  I had to.  The first thing I saw when I opened my eyes was a Crystal Gem trying to hit me with an axe.  I didn’t know who she was or what was going on but I defended myself, and after that they kept coming so I kept fighting.  Nobody could explain anything to me until the battle was over, so I’d have been doomed if I’d needed to be told.”  She glanced down at Amethyst.   _ “Was _ it different for you?”

“Yes and no, ‘cause I came out knowing I was supposed to fight, but there was nobody  _ to _ fight.  There was nobody to explain anything, no nothing.  Just a big empty Kindergarten and me.  I was there a long time by myself, just… improvising, I guess.  If the one thing you know you’re supposed to do isn’t anywhere on the menu, you’ve gotta fill the time somehow.”

“Did you know you were supposed to be bigger than that?”

“Nope, didn’t find that out till much later when Rose, Garnet and Pearl found me.  The first thing I ever heard another Gem say was Pearl going ‘She’s like an Amethyst, but little!’ and the first thing I ever said back was ‘What are you talking about?  I  _ am _ Amethyst,’ and then Rose knelt down to get closer to my level and said ‘Hello, Amethyst, I’m Rose.’  And I was like ‘you wanna fight?’ and she was like ‘no’ and… well, they explained things to me.”

“That your existence was pointless?  That you were made for a war that was long over by then?  That you were just left over by accident?”

“Well, they didn’t put it like  _ that.”   _ Amethyst took a deep breath, telling herself she needed to be the bigger person -  _ ha _ \-  here.  Besides, the  _ way _ Jasper was saying it was different.  She didn’t sound like she was attacking; they were more like honest questions, even if the words she used hurt.  “Rose told me I was actually lucky.  Because I didn’t pop out like you and have to start fighting and just get… locked into that straight away.  She had this big theory that maybe I could be more like a human kid, like what happens if you give a Gem a childhood?  She was so impressed about how they can grow up to do all kinds of different things and she thought having time to think about it and try out different things was a big part of it.  Well, I turned out to be a fighter anyway and I asked her if she was disappointed and she said if I’d been able to think about it and make a choice and this was what I chose for myself, she was the opposite of disappointed because that was just what she wanted for me.”

Jasper frowned in confusion.  “Why did she want that?  I mean, what’s so good about it?”

“Well, you don’t have to be a fighter if you don’t wanna be.  Or you don’t have to do  _ only _ fighting.  She didn’t - she was really into gardening, growing flowers and trees and stuff.  And then there’s Pearl, except she wasn’t  _ supposed _ to fight and she does and she’s kind of amazing.”

“A Pearl can’t fight.  That was just one of those war rumours.  People see something strange, maybe a Pearl running carrying a weapon for someone else, she wouldn’t normally do that but I guess she could in an emergency, and they’re undisciplined and panicky and unnerved about fighting fellow Gems, maybe people they used to know, and before you know it there are these wild stories going around about a Pearl who fights.”

“Uh,  _ no,  _ because I’ve seen her do it and you haven’t and I can tell you, Pearl  _ owns. _  Don’t tell her I said that, though.  Plus, if Peridot could do what  _ she _ did why are you so sure a Pearl couldn’t do something just as weird?”

“Well I - just - everyone  _ knows _ that, you just don’t know because you’re - wait, what are you doing?”

“Oh nuts, I think I’m waking up - or he is -”  Everything was flickering in and out as if she was blinking.

“Don’t leave me!” Jasper cried, and lunged out to grab her just as the dream dissolved and she felt as if she fell a short distance to land hard on Steven’s bed.  She was jostled as he pushed back the covers and clambered out.

“I was just getting somewhere with her!” she protested, sitting up.

“I’m sorry I’m sorry I really need to pee!”  His voice trailed back to her as he raced down the stairs.

Amethyst dropped back on the bed and sighed.  At least it had been a start.


	2. Chapter 2

It was two days before they tried again, because on the night in between Steven stayed over with Greg, and Amethyst was trying to plan her approach for next time.  Planning did  _ not _ come naturally to her and it was particularly hard to do when she couldn’t ask anyone for advice without giving away what she was up to.  Garnet’s position as family dispenser of wisdom meant she would obviously figure it out, probably while Amethyst was still saying “Yo Garnet, I was wondering,” and definitely before she got to “asking for a friend,” and she stood by her belief that Pearl would just panic and forbid  _ everything _ .  She was a little tempted to head up to the barn and tell Peridot about it, but Peridot had made her low opinion of Jasper so clear - and anyway, she seemed to be having a whale of a time with Lapis Lazuli and might not even want her showing up to cramp their style.  

No, that was mean, Peri had gone out of her way to cheer her up and encourage her.  It would still be easier to talk to her if Lapis weren’t there but Amethyst couldn’t exactly ask her to go out for an hour so she could talk to her roommate about trying to help her psycho ex.  Probably neither of them could be expected to look kindly on this whole Jasper project.  On a tangent, she was still feeling a little guilty about what a sourpuss she’d been when Peridot had just wanted to show her their weird art projects.  She might go through some of her more aesthetic junk piles and see if she could pick out some bits and pieces they might like to use.  It would pass the time.

Before she started that, though, she went down to the burning room and found Jasper’s bubble.  It took her a while.  It would be nice to think it called out to her or something but there were thousands of the things and she just had to check every lavender bubble she saw until she found the right one.  It was wedged into a dark little corner, which seemed appropriate.  “C’mon, sis,” she said, taking it carefully in two hands, “I’ll find you a better spot.”

She carried it to her room and then wondered what to do with it.  Just let it float under the ceiling?  It seemed like it would be lonely up there alone, like a balloon after the party was over.  Maybe it would have been better to leave her with the others, for company.  On the other hand, if Jasper felt as if she had any company, would she have grabbed for her and yelled “Don’t leave me” like that?  She was probably being really dumb.  It wasn’t like there was any reason to think a bubbled Gem had any awareness of her surroundings at all.  But anyway, she found a bell jar with only a little crack in it and a nice old multicoloured crocheted afghan that she made into a sort of nest, put the bubble in it and placed the jar over them both.  She was surprised when the bubble actually stayed in the nest instead of floating up under the jar.  The blanket had only really been a gesture.  Maybe it  _ could _ comfort Jasper?

There was too much she didn’t know and couldn’t figure out and it was making her feel stupid and frustrated, so she gave the top of the jar a brisk pat and went off to rummage for raw meepmorp material.  

She spent a lot of the next day trying and failing to make plans ( _ I’ll say this, then what if she says that, what will I say back?  oh my heck is this what it’s like to be Pearl? _ ), dismantling, demolishing and reconstructing piles.  She had a pretty good selection of weird crap in a big burlap sack ready for Peridot whenever, and hanging out in her room any longer was going to drive her buggy so she went upstairs and found Steven playing video games in his room.

“Oh hey, Amethyst, you want to try another  _ secret mission _ tonight?” he asked as she sat down and budged him over with her hip.

“You ready for another one?”  She reached for the second controller, just to have something to fiddle with.

“Yeah, I think so.  I mean, unless we  _ need _ to go in every night it’d help me a lot if we spaced them out.  I don’t really get rested when I do dream travel stuff, so a night in between lets me catch up on just plain sleep.”

“Was it like,  _ super _ boring for you waiting around in the canyon while I was talking to her?”

“It was pretty dull.  I thought I had a brainwave, because it’s lucid dreaming, right?  I should be able to bring whatever I want into the dream, so I brought my book, but the problem is I don’t know what happens next in it so all the pages were blank after my bookmark.  So I dreamed up a very little low-flying raincloud to dampen the sand just enough, plus a bucket and spade, and I made sandcastles.  If Jasper pokes her head out of her hole she might see them.”

“She could have fun kicking them over.”

“How did she look?”  They hadn’t really had an opportunity to talk it over yet, and he looked uneasy.  “Did she still have… thorns growing out of her and stuff?”

“Not where I could see.  She had patches of green like a mouldy tangerine, but no thorns or horns.  Her face was normal.  I don’t know what kind of shape she’d form into if we unbubbled her now, but in her mind at least she’s kind of messed up, but not all the way messed up.”

“And she didn’t want to fight?”

“No.  At first she seemed like she didn’t want to talk either, but she ended up asking a lot of questions.”

“I think she always asks a lot of questions,” Steven said, shrugging.  Abruptly his eyes lit up.  “I bet I know why!”

“Why?”

“Look where her gem is!  She’s very...  _ nosey!” _

“Har!”

“Yeah, that’s the laugh the joke deserved.  I dunno, maybe we shouldn’t joke about her.  I felt kind of bad about it with Sardonyx.”

“Yeah, I know what you mean.  I don’t think she meant any harm, Sardonyx jokes about everything, it’s just… she didn’t know.   _ They _ don’t know, they didn’t see like we did.”

“What did you guys talk about?  You and Jasper, I mean.”  On the TV screen, his little golfer got stuck in a sand trap, GAME OVER flashed and he put down the controller.

“I finally got it through to her that you’re not your mom, so that’s something!”

“Was she mad?”

“She was mad, she cried a little, she said a lot of jerky things.”  

“It’s hard to imagine Jasper crying.”

“I know.  I get the feeling she really hates to cry.  I know I do.  Makes my head ache.  We talked a little bit about Pink Diamond.”

Steven went very still, looking into his hands in his lap.  “What’d she say?”

“That she didn’t see what happened.  Sorry.  She wasn’t there.  There was some kind of diversion attack and while Jasper was off dealing with that, Rose and whoever else must have hit wherever Pink Diamond was.  Pink HQ or whatever.  Whoever, wherever, whatever, we still don’t really know squat, do we?”

“Did she say anything else about what Pink Diamond was like?”

“I didn’t really wanna drill down for details in the circumstances.  She said she was always nice to her.  She feels awful that she couldn’t save her, and more than anything she wants to know why Rose did it.”

“Twins,” said Steven with a half smile.  “I keep thinking it’d be so much easier if I could just think Pink Diamond was  _ bad,  _ you know?  Like Maleficent or Queen Beryl or something.  But I don’t know anything about her, and if I assume she was bad I’m really not being fair.”

“I’ll see what I can get out of Jasper, but I don’t wanna push her,” Amethyst said.  She slung an arm around his shoulders and gave him a brief squeeze with a gentle arm-punch chaser.  “Chin up, Stee-man.  We’ll figure everything out in the end.”

“You think maybe this time I could talk to her too?” 

She paused, considering.  “I think I wanna try and soften her up a little more first.  I mean, try and get her more stable, maybe?  I don’t know, I feel like I’m trying to be a shrink and I don’t know  _ anything _ about that.  I’d just like to see if she can be a little more chill before we try for that.”

“Yeah,” he said, still pensive.

“Hey, on the bright side, if she does go ballistic all we have to do is wake up and she can’t hurt us.”

“Well, I’m gonna go wash up and brush my teeth, and then we can try again.”

 

This time Steven found her in that stupid recurring anxiety dream where she’d lost something incredibly important somewhere in her room,  _ her own room where she knew exactly where everything was _ or at least where to start looking for it, and it was a huge relief to be broken out from feeling as if it was real, the way she always did even though she’d had this crummy dream probably literally a million times over thousands of years.

“Huh,” he said, walking out from behind a pile of broken ghetto blasters as if he’d been there the whole time (but she had just been frantically checking back there for the something incredibly important), “it’s your room but it’s  _ not _ your room.  Unless this is what your room used to be like?  I don’t know, is the shape different?  It seems bigger.”

“Dreams never get stuff just right.  Don’t think too hard about it.  Although hey.”  A thought had just occurred to her; that was one for the books.  “Do you think you can move things from one dream into another?  Take ‘em with you?”

“I don’t know, I never tried!  Do you want to take Jasper a present?  That’s such a nice idea!”

“I wonder what she’d  _ like,” _ Amethyst mused, turning in a slow circle and looking around her.  There was stuff in here that had been broken or lost or burned long ago.

“She seems like she’d like  _ weapons _ but that maybe isn’t the best idea,” Steven said.  “Maybe something she can entertain herself with?  It might be kind of like being stuck home sick for a long time.  Connie had a really bad flu in the third grade and she was in bed for two weeks and she said she nearly went out of her mind.”

“I feel like she’d  _ love _ a lava lamp, but there’s no power in a Kindergarten hole.  The funny thing is, I just brought her bubble in here last night but it’s not here in the dream.  I guess my subconscious  _ never _ updates its picture of this place.  I dunno, I’ll bring her… oh, this is here.  Okay then.”  She tugged the crocheted afghan out from under a stack of old magazines.  “This should be nice, right? Comfy, cosy?”

“Yeah, let’s see if we can bring it through.”

Amethyst bundled the afghan around both of them and they lay down on the floor, nose to nose.  

“Okay, focussy Jasper thoughts,” she muttered.  “Big and loud and orange.”

“Mad and sad,” Steven suggested.

“As always, good hair.”

The bubble shimmered into view and descended towards them.

“Felt easier this time,” Steven murmured.  “Okay.  Hold on tight, and here we go.”

The familiar lumpy floor of Amethyst’s room shifted under them to become soft but cold sand.  The sky above Jasper’s dream of Beta was as dark as ever.

“It’s weird,” Amethyst said, wriggling one arm out of the afghan and pushing herself up to a sitting position, “you really wouldn’t expect to see so much cloud over a desert.  Still, maybe the weather here used to be different.  Or maybe it was just like this once but she remembered it.”

_ Maybe it was cloudy that first day, the day the first thing she saw was a Crystal Gem trying to hit her with an axe.  I wonder who that was?  Did Garnet and Pearl and Rose know her?  Did Jasper just poof her or actually shatter her?  Do I want to know?  If Rose did, did Garnet and Pearl too?  Even real live Gems, no corruption or anything? Man, these are creepy thoughts. _

“Oh look,” said Steven, unwrapping himself, “my sandcastles are still there.  Guess she didn’t come out and kick them over after all.”  He looked around the canyon walls again, and gave a little shudder.  “You know my book I wanted to bring here the other night?  Connie lent it to me, it’s called  _ The Lives of Christopher Chant,  _ and the boy in it can do something like this.  He’s got nine lives and when he sleeps at night, he leaves one life in his bed like an anchor and the rest of him goes off travelling to parallel worlds he calls the Almost Anywheres.  To get to the Anywheres he has to go through this formless rocky space he calls the Place Between.  It’s not quite right because I don’t think the Place Between really has a sky, and it’s usually raining there, but now when I read about it I picture this place.  It’s full of little crooked valleys and if you follow each one you get to a different Anywhere.  I guess the Gem holes would be the valleys.”

“That sounds pretty cool.”

“Yeah, it’s a good book.  I wonder if I can do what I’m doing now ‘cause I leave my human part in bed like the anchor life and the Gem part of me goes travelling.”  He got up and dusted sand off the knees of his jeans.  “Okay, I guess I’ll get another little raincloud to help and build me a sand city.”

“Thanks, Steven.  Listen, as soon as it feels safe I’ll call you in or bring her out here.  I just wanna be sure, you know?”

“I know.  I’m not in any hurry to have Jasper charging at me again,” he said with an uncomfortable little laugh.  She left him coaxing a puff of cloud down from the sky, slung the afghan around her shoulders like a cloak and trudged off to the Jasper hole.  Clambering into the mouth of it, she called out, “Hey…  It’s me again.  Can I come in?”

There was a faint stirring noise in the deep darkness at the back, but no answer.

“It’s Amethyst,” she said, as if Jasper might have a lot of regular visitors and be unsure which one was on her doorstep.

“I didn’t think you’d come back,” Jasper said quietly, somewhere in the dark.  

“I couldn’t come back straight away, but here I am now.”

“Straight away?  How long has it been?”

“I was here the day before yesterday.”

“Feels a lot longer.  I don’t think there’s any real time here.  Everything is just… forever.”

“So can I come in?”

“You didn’t ask last time, so why not?” Jasper asked wearily.

“Oooookay.”  She lit up her gemstone enough to see her way and walked in, the ends of the afghan trailing over the glassy floor behind her.  Jasper was in the same place as last time, in almost the same position.  She still had her legs bent up in front of her and her arms wrapped around them, but now she was listing sideways and leaning her shoulder and her head against the wall.  

“Hey, I brought you something.”  She unwrapped the afghan from her shoulders and held it out.

“What is it?” Jasper asked, without much interest.

“It’s kind of a shawl or a blanket.  It’s for comfort.”

“It’s full of holes,” Jasper pointed out.

“It’s made that way, it’s called crochet.  You don’t hafta take it or anything, it’s just… it’s there if you want it later.”  She dropped it in a pile by Jasper’s feet and sat down.  “I’ll try and bring you something better next time.  I admit I didn’t put a whole lot of thought into that.”

“Why did you come back?” Jasper asked.

“I thought you wanted me to.  I mean, you asked me not to leave.”

“What’s in it for you?”

“I already told you, I feel bad for you and I wanna make you feel better.  If I can.”

“You have a funny idea of making people feel better.  You realise you took away the one thing I was still hoping for?”

Amethyst winced.  “I’m sorry.  I just thought you were better off knowing the truth.  Like, once you’re not wasting your time hoping for something that can’t come true, maybe you can find something better to hope for?”

“I’ll never get the answers I need.  I don’t know why I’m still alive.”

“Well, why’s anyone alive, you know?”

“Because they were made for a purpose,” Jasper said, sounding cross.  At least sounding cross put a bit of energy back into her voice; she’d been sounding pretty listless.  “And if you’re unfit for your purpose, you shouldn’t exist any more.  Neither of us should exist.”

“Screw  _ that.   _ We can exist if we want to.   _ I _ want to.”

“Congratulations.   _ My _ purpose is a total bust.  I failed my Diamond and now,” she waved a hand around at the darkness, “this.  That whole time on Homeworld didn’t mean a thing.  Symbol of hope and overcoming adversity, my big toe.  I was stupid enough to believe what they told me.  Anything if it made me feel like less of a failure.  I’m not falling for Rose’s - no, what’s her name now?  His name, I mean.”

“Steven,” Amethyst said.  

“I’m not falling for  _ Steven’s _ lines because I already fell for that line once.  A fresh start, right?  A chance to redeem myself?  Been there, done that.  It’s empty.”

“You don’t think maybe you were trying to redeem yourself on the wrong side?”

“How can the side that made me everything I am be the wrong side?”

“Because it’s the side that wants to destroy this planet without caring what happens to anyone or anything that lives here.  It’s the side that wants to destroy me, and my friends, and - and sunsets and French fries and mud puddles and sitcoms and everything that’s ever made me feel good!  I’m not calling our side perfect but we don’t want to destroy Homeworld.”

“You’re weirdly concerned for a  _ planet _ that wants to destroy Gems.  That does  _ this  _ to us.”  Jasper held out one arm blotched with green corruption.  Even the texture of her skin there didn’t look right, bubbly like blistered paint.  “Turns us into deformed monsters.”

“Wait wait wait.  You think  _ Earth _ does that?”

“What else?”

“Stop and think about it.  If Earth just does that to Gems, how have I lived here so long without getting it?  Lil’ defective me?  Why aren’t Garnet and Pearl infected?”

“Be… cause you haven’t fused with an infected Gem?”  Amethyst could see Jasper realising it didn’t quite add up, and she pressed on while there might be a little opening in her thinking.

“I haven’t, but then how did  _ they _ get it in the first place?  Listen up, ‘cause this is one thing  _ I _ can tell  _ you. _  Corruption doesn’t come from Earth!  Corruption came from some kind of superweapon Homeworld used right after they retreated.  Rose managed to put a bubble around herself and Pearl and Garnet, ‘cause they were right next to her, and that protected them, and I was okay because I was still underground, but everybody else,  _ everybody _ else, Homeworld Gems who got left behind too, got hit and it changed them.”

Jasper stared at her, blinking.  Her mouth was fixed in a sort of downturned grin of anger, but she wasn’t saying “no” or “that can’t be” or “they wouldn’t do that.”

“Oh.  And we didn’t know about Lapis Lazuli yet, but I guess she was also protected because she was locked in that mirror,” Amethyst added.  “You know about the mirror, right?”

Jasper nodded slowly.

“You are the  _ only _ Gem  _ ever _ to  _ catch _ corruption.  We didn’t even know you could do that.  I don’t know how the heck you fused with a corrupted Gem anyway.  I don’t know how you got them to do what you wanted in the first place - the only person who’s ever been able to communicate with one a little bit is Steven.”

“What?  But they’re easy to understand, and giving orders is just a matter of attitude.”

“I mean, you can’t  _ make _ someone fuse with you, that’s just impossible, right?  Or can you?  Is that what you did?”

“Of course not, don’t be disgusting.  I told it what to do and it was obeying me but then it panicked.  It didn’t trust me after all.  I told them I’d protect them now and show them what to do and they were  _ listening _ to me but then…”  Jasper had been sitting up straighter but now she subsided with a weary, disgusted sigh.  “It got a good look at me, I guess.  It saw what I was like inside, the same way Lapis did, and that was that.”

“You told them you’d protect them?” Amethyst asked, puzzled.

“Yes, of course.”

“But… you were keeping them in cages and being so  _ mean _ to them.”

“The cages were to  _ protect _ them because they would just wander all over the place on their own - and you say mean, I say honest.”

“No,  _ be _ honest, you were being mean.  You were feeling rotten because Lapis told you to get lost so you were taking it out on them.”

Jasper lunged at her with a snarl, and she rolled out of the way just in time, bowling over to land against the other side of the hole with a thud like the baby sister of the crash as Jasper’s hands hit the wall she had been sitting against.  Amethyst lay half stunned and upside down, trying to get herself turned right side up with a body that temporarily wouldn’t co-operate.  Jasper wasn’t moving, though, just crouching with her clawed hands sunk into the rock, chips of stone falling around her, her back heaving as she panted.  For the first time Amethyst could see the chain around her waist, thick links of jagged glass, leading back to the little seed cavity at the very rear of the exit hole.

Cautiously, she rolled over and sat up, her hand on her gemstone in case she needed her whip, wondering whether Steven would have heard that noise.  Jasper still wasn’t moving.  After a long moment she slowly, painfully drew her fingers out of the punctures in the wall and tucked her hands under her arms.  

“I’m - sorry I did that,” she said in a voice thick with tears.  “Please don’t go away again.  Please, you don’t know how alone I am without you.”

“You don’t get to take things out on me too.  You pull anything like that again and I’m leaving and I’m not coming back.”  She was all the angrier because for a second she had been really scared.  Maybe she couldn’t really get hurt in a dream but she still felt like she could.

“You’re right.  You’re right,” Jasper said.  She shuffled herself backward until she was crammed as far to the rear as she could go, the chain hidden again, her body doubled up and her forehead down on her knees.  She looked like a big pile of hair with legs.

“Right about what?”  Amethyst got to her feet, hoping she’d feel stronger that way.

“Right about me taking it out on them.”

“Amethyst?  Are you okay in there?” Steven had heard all right; his voice wavered in from the entrance of the hole.

“Yeah, we’re okay,” Amethyst called back.  “Don’t worry.”

“Okay,” he replied, with a note of doubt.  “I’m right here if you need me.”

Jasper had lifted her head abruptly when she heard his voice, and her eyes were wide with alarm.  “Is _he_ here?” she hissed at Amethyst.

“He’s how I get here,” Amethyst said wearily, “and he’s here because he cares about you too.  We’re dumb like that.  Take it easy, he’s not gonna come in here unless I say it’s okay - or you do.”  She picked up the afghan, shook some fragments of broken rock out of it, stepped up closer to Jasper and threw it over her shoulders.  It didn’t go far over shoulders that big, and it looked a little more like a multicoloured doily than a blanket, but it was what she had to offer at the moment.  “You mess up your hands?”

“It doesn’t matter.”

“Yeah it does.  Let me see.”  She held out her own hands, stubbornly, and after a moment Jasper drew hers from under her arms and held them out.  They were scratched and bruised and her nails were chipped, but it looked as if all the damage was on the surface.  Amethyst turned them over, carefully, trying not to make them hurt any worse.  “You’ll be okay.  I’ve seen a lot worse.  Sometimes on me, I’ve punched my share of very solid objects.”

“I don’t know why it still hurts.  I know I’m not really real here.  But then, why would there ever be anywhere that I don’t get hurt?”

“Oooookay, we’re turning the car around, we’re not driving down to self pity town, believe me, that place  _ sucks. _  There’s no good food and all the cops are assholes.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Jasper said.  “You say the weirdest things.”  The corner of her mouth was trembling as if it almost wanted to smile.

“Jasper, can I tell you something really important?”  Amethyst was still holding her hands; she couldn’t quite believe she was doing that and Jasper was just letting her.  Her own hands looked so little and pudgy by comparison.

“What?”

“You know what you were telling the Gem beasts?  All that stuff about bad things happening to you because that’s what you deserve?  It’s not true.  They didn’t deserve what happened to them.  You don’t deserve what’s happening to you.  I mean you deserved a beatdown, you were being a total ass, but there’s a limit, you know?  You don’t deserve to be trapped and miserable forever.  You deserve a chance to make things better.  You may not feel like it’s true yet but I know some things you don’t.  So there.”  She wished she’d had a better finish lined up for that.

Jasper took a long, shuddery breath.  “I’m too tired to start hoping anything again,” she said.  “I’m  _ so _ tired.”

“Seriously, those aren’t bags under your eyes, they’re suitcases.”

“Amethyst, you do know that I can understand maybe sixty percent of what you say in a good sentence?”

“That’s just cultural differences.  Welcome to Earth.”  She let go of Jasper’s hands and sat down beside her, scooting in to lean against her.  “I can’t stay forever, because I’ve got a life, but I’ll stay a while and keep you company.  And I’ll come back again, promise.”

“Well,” Jasper said, leaning her head against the wall again, “I suppose now I hope you will.”


	3. Chapter 3

The meepmorp donation project was maybe a partial success.  Peridot was definitely stoked about the quality garbage Amethyst had provided, and Lapis seemed pleased too, but that was the thing; Lapis was there too as part and parcel and she was having a good time and Peridot was having a good time _with_ her and there was more than one instance of them finishing each other’s sentences.  Not that Amethyst wasn’t _used_ to feeling like an unnecessary extra, but it was still uncomfortable.  And Lapis was _nice_ to her and thanked her for lending her the rest of the _Pretty Hairdresser_ tankoubons and asked if she could try to follow the “try it yourself!” diagrams to do a French braid on her some time because her own hair was too short and Peridot’s fought back if you tried to stick a comb in it.  It made her feel like a crumb.

She walked home the long way, the way where you actually walked instead of using the warp pad, kicking a can.  It only made sense that once Peridot had options she would choose someone else.  Lapis was smart and pretty and even if her life was kind of messed up she managed to look picturesque at the same time.  She also didn’t have a top that looked like it came out of the rag bag and a gimpy eye owing to a rushed regeneration.  Amethyst thought she should probably just try to be glad that someone _had_ thought she was special for a while there.

When she got home she made a spirited attempt to do the dream-travel thing by herself, while Steven was actually getting a good night’s rest.  She bundled herself up in the afghan, cradling the bubble against her tummy, and did her best to sleep.  She drowsed a little but didn’t really drop off, and realised after a while that it was because she was holding the bubble so carefully.  What if she rolled on it in her sleep, popped it and Jasper came back out still all corrupted and mental and things got really bad?  She got back up, restored the bubble to its safe little nest and jar set-up and spent the rest of the night alternately sleeping badly and morosely eating scrap iron.

 

Jasper sat in the dark absent-mindedly fiddling with the knotted fringe on the shawl Amethyst had left with her.  The blessing and burden of an enquiring mind was that you never stopped wondering about things, even when you wished you could be numb and apathetic.  How could Amethyst bring things from the real world into a place that she was fairly sure was only the creation of her own diseased imagination?  How did it go on existing when Amethyst was gone?  If all of this _was_ only something she was imagining, why couldn’t she imagine away the chain around her waist?  Maybe that was just another example of how incredibly powerful Lapis Lazuli was.  With the number of times and the number of different ways she had told Jasper she needed to be in chains, she’d worked a kind of spell.  

_Someone has to keep a brute like you under control._

_You’ve forced me to do this._

_You’ve had this coming for a long time._

_This is all you deserve._

She had tried crawling forward to see how far the chain would let her get.  Not quite to the exit.  She could see a little of the canyon from the furthest stretch, with the links digging painfully into her belly; just a silhouette of herself’s glimpse of the opposite wall.  A view like that wasn’t worth the effort it took to get there, so she subsided to the back and the darkness.  It was darker here than at the bottom of the sea.  She wrapped loops of the chain around her wrists to feel as if Lapis had her again.  It wasn’t the same, and she knew she was being sick and stupid.  It still felt a _little_ bit like she wasn’t alone.

_I won’t be alone if Amethyst comes back._

That was just as stupid and maybe even more pathetic, looking forward to visits from a deformed runt who could still just be trying to soften her up for Rose Quartz.  Maybe it was all a trick; maybe it was all a test.  Maybe if she was strong and kept up her resistance she would pass the test and all this would go away.

 _You can’t think like that.  Remember your whole “maybe Pink Diamond had to fake her death!” thing, you moron?  Remember how that just made it hurt more when you eventually had to accept it couldn’t be true?  And you’re still thinking like there’s something you could_ do.   _There’s nothing you can do.  All your chances are gone.  This is it forever.  Darkness, alone, knowing you failed and became an abomination.  You ruined the one good thing about you, a strong, beautiful body.  Beta Gem, back where you belong._

There was still a tiny, nagging hope that Amethyst was going to come back.

_I mean, if nothing else she can give me some kind of answers.  Not what I need most, but she’s not totally useless._

_What do you want_ answers _for?  What do you think you’re going to do with them?  This is it for you now.  This hole and this chain._

_It would have been better if they’d shattered me and finished the job._

After a long, weary, dark time that she couldn’t measure, she heard Amethyst’s voice.  “Yo Jasper!”  She looked up and saw the outline of a shaggy little head popped up over the distant rim of the exit hole.

_Just don’t say anything and maybe she’ll go away.  You don’t deserve company._

Amethyst was clambering into the hole anyway, calling out, “You up?  No, I bet you don’t sleep.  Can I come in?”

“You’re in already,” Jasper pointed out.  She slipped the chain off her wrists, ashamed.

“Point,” Amethyst conceded, coming down the passage.  Her silhouette in the entrance where there was some light was larger and lumpier than Jasper was used to, and as she got closer the gemstone on her chest glowed brighter until Jasper could see she was carrying a bundle slung over her shoulder.  “Hey, tonight I brought presents.  Steven and I put a lot of thought into these so I hope you like ‘em.  I mean, he literally put thought into them, he made them out of dreams.  I can’t do that yet.  Well, maybe I can’t do that ever but I’m gonna try it a while more before I call it.”  She lowered the bundle to the cave floor and untied the knot that held it together.

“These are presents from… Steven?”  Jasper was still getting used to the alien name.  She wondered if Rose had chosen it, and why she would want to go from a name as beautiful and powerful as _Rose Quartz_ to a strange spiky little thing like _Steven._

“And me.  Quartz squad, right?  Or tzquad or something.  Check ‘em out.  Number one, we got a lantern.  We’re gonna find out if dreaming an infinite battery actually works.”  Amethyst picked up the lantern by its handle and pressed a button on its top, producing a bright glow that made Jasper squint.  “Number two, we got bolt cutters.”  She brandished a large two-armed tool by its handles.  “Gonna see what we can do about that chain of yours.”

Jasper’s first impulse was to tell her - no, not even tell her, _ask_ her not to, and she was shocked at how weak that seemed.  Of course she shouldn’t _want_ the chain there, and she _didn’t_ want the chain there, and then the impulse of meekly _asking_ Amethyst to leave it alone was an entirely separate kind of disturbing.  She bit back the words and watched as Amethyst fitted the jaws of the bolt cutters to a link of the chain and then strained to bring the arms together.  There was a lot of grunting and growling and trying different grips on the handles, and the effect on the chain seemed to be nil.

“Ugh.  Can’t do it,” Amethyst admitted after a while.  “You’re stronger than me, you try it.  Probably get better leverage with those long arms anyway.”

“I don’t think this is going to do anything,” Jasper said, taking the proffered handles.

“That’s okay, just give it a shot.  You might surprise yourself.”

Jasper grunted noncommittally and pressed the handles together.  It felt as if the jaws of the bolt cutters bit into the link very slightly, but even when she went beyond the usual “this should be enough, don’t want to overdo it” effort and applied real force, it was clearly not going to break.  The bolt cutters felt more likely to shear apart if she squeezed any harder.  She released the pressure and pulled the jaws away to see if she had at least made a dent.  Nothing.  “I think it’s unbreakable,” she said.

“Nothing’s unbreakable.  I break things all the time without even trying.  I’ll ask Steven to dream a jackhammer or something.”

“What’s that word you keep using, dream?”

“Dream?  You’re doing it now.  This, where we are, this isn’t a real place, right?  You’re making it in your mind while you’re knocked out.  It’s a dream.  Dreams are made of - of imagination and fears and just weird mind stuff.  Steven’s got this special power where he can visit other people’s dreams, and he can make stuff happen in them.”

Jasper frowned.  “When he appeared while we were Malachite, that was a dream?”

“Well, he was dreaming.  I don’t know that you were, exactly, but I think the place where the two Gems are while a fusion’s in the world is maybe a little like a dream?  We’re still figuring out how this works, it’s a new power.  I don’t know if even Rose could do it.”  She gnawed on her lower lip, thinking, and then her face brightened.  “Ha!  I’m such a dummy.  Why didn’t I think of it sooner?  All you gotta do is shapeshift out of it.  Turn yourself into a snake or something and wiggle right out!”

“I’m not _shapeshifting,”_ Jasper said, offended.  

“Oh, what, like it’s a cheap tactic to blah blah blah?”

“It’s an insult to the form you were given!”

“You already donked _that_ up, so why not try?”

Jasper hid her face with one hand, grinding her teeth together in her effort not to burst into ugly, pathetic, painful tears.  She could feel the corruption in her skin burning, thickening and coarsening it, thorns trying to bud there as the misery grew.   _She’s just telling you the truth, the same way you’d tell it to her, so don’t be such a weakling._

“Oh crud.  I’m sorry, that came out really wrong, are you okay?  Jasper, I’m sorry, you’re not donked up, I know you can get your form back to normal.  If anyone can you can, right?”  Instead of taking any sort of satisfaction in how effectively she’d hit her, Amethyst was patting at her ineffectually.

“I can’t,” she managed to say, forcing the words out.  “You know I can’t.  I’m ruined now.”

“I don’t think you _have_ to be.”

“If there was anything anyone could do about being corrupted, wouldn’t they have done it by now?  That beast that I fused with, that did this to me, _that was a Jasper._  If Gems as strong as us couldn’t fight back, if she, after thousands of years on this garbage planet, couldn’t cleanse herself of whatever this poison is, how can I be able to?  It’s hopeless.”

“But - look, it’s different,” Amethyst said.  “It is, because what you’ve got is only a second-hand dose, right?  She must’ve been exposed to the weapon way back then.  The corruption bomb or whatever it was.  And she’s been like that a really long time, so maybe she can’t even remember how she used to be.”

“No, she can remember.  That’s why they were prepared to follow me, once I knocked some sense into them.  I showed them I was stronger than they were so they knew I could lead them.  It’s how Jaspers work - how Amethysts work too, as you’d know if you knew anything.”

“Well, you can remember better, right?  You’re not as far gone as them yet.  Steven and me, we think you could come back from this, you could get _un_ corrupted, and then when we know how that worked for you maybe we can use it to help all the others!”

 _“Oh.”_  Several things that hadn’t sat right suddenly clicked into place. It was both discouraging and reassuring.   _“That’s_ why you’re bothering with me.  It’s an experiment.  I’m a test subject, and if you get the results you want with me you can apply them to the others and revive Rose Quartz’s army.  I’m guessing you hope that the survivors from Homeworld’s army will join you too out of gratitude.  I’m sure some of the weaker, more easily led ones will.”

“No!” Amethyst exclaimed indignantly.

“Oh, come on.  It’s not as if it’s a bad plan.  With this and with that crack-healing ability we all heard about, you’d be almost unstoppable.  An army that can only be defeated by shattering every single Gem, because they can come back from anything less.”

“No!  I don’t think like that and neither does Steven and neither should you!”  Amethyst looked far more upset than Jasper would have expected from an operative whose cover had been seen through.  She was actually starting to cry.

“It’s the only way _to_ think if you want to win.”

“Well, we don’t care about winning!  I told you we don’t wanna _beat_ Homeworld, we just want them to leave us alone!  We wanna be able to _live_ here and we wanna know that everything that lives here can go _on_ living here and not get all hollowed out and used up to - to make garbage like you and me!”  She punched Jasper in the arm, pretty weakly because she was crying so hard.

“If it’s not true, why is garbage like you wasting your precious free Earth life on garbage like me?”

“Because _you’re_ like me!  We’re the same kind of garbage, okay?  And if I don’t look out for you, who’s gonna?  You’re my sister!”  Amethyst sat down abruptly and wept into her hands, her shoulders shaking.

Jasper stared at her, her own tears drying on her face.  She didn’t know what to do.  Pretending to be sympathetic or to offer a way out was an interrogation tactic she knew about.  Bursting into tears wasn’t.  Either it was a very effective one because it was so unexpected and confusing, or Amethyst was really upset.  It should have been satisfying to see her enemy - of course Amethyst was still her enemy, she shouldn’t let her own gross weakness and a little apparent kindness make her forget that - break down but it only made her uncomfortable.  

_You’re not the same.  Don’t let her trick you into thinking you are._

_But I know we’re the same, deep down.  Her defects just show on the surface.  I was never as good as I was supposed to be, as good as I managed to get everyone thinking I was.  I’m a shiny surface and hollow inside.  If I had been that good I would have known what to do.  I would have protected my Diamond.  I wouldn’t have had all those stupid doubts and fears that I had to put so much effort into holding down.  I wouldn’t have_ needed _to keep telling myself that I’d survived because I was better than the rest, I’d have_ known _it.  I didn’t survive by being better, I survived by being lucky and_ tricking _everyone because I could because I_ looked _good._

_If I was what I was supposed to be, Lapis would have wanted us to stay together.  Then everything would have worked.  We would be flying through space now, going home victorious.  Instead here I am in a hole with a crying runt because where it counts we’re the same._

She reached out and tried, with a great awkwardness born of inexperience, to pat Amethyst’s shuddering back.   _Not too heavy, not too much, you’re not_ trying _to hurt her, are you?_  Patting felt weird, and it was making Amethyst’s sobs wobble all over the place.  She stopped trying to pat and just let her hand rest there while Amethyst quietened from sobs into sniffs, and finally pushed back her hair and looked up at her with a puffy, blotchy little face.  

“What’s a sister?” Jasper asked.


	4. Chapter 4

Amethyst tried to think how to explain “sister.”  She remembered Jasper saying “It’s like you’re not even a Gem” and she sure felt like that now.  Not a real Gem and sure as heck not a human either, just a mishmash with parts from both worlds and parts missing from both too.  

“It’s a human word,” she admitted.  “For us it doesn’t mean exactly what it’d mean for them, because we don’t have - parents and other family stuff.  A sister is someone who - who comes from the same place as you, who’s made from the same stuff as you, who’s always going to be connected to you.  And you care about her and you want to protect her and you want to see her get stronger and just be okay and happy.  And you know she’d do the same for you.”

“Like a friend?” Jasper asked.  She looked really nervous and confused, as if friends were something that hadn’t happened to her and she wasn’t sure she could handle them.  Not really surprising, given the way she’d behaved; she wouldn’t have real friends, only maybe some hangers-on and suck-ups.

“It’s a lot more than a friend.  You don’t get to choose your sisters.  You just  _ are _ sisters, it’s part of you.  You can be friends too.”

“But we’re not like that,” Jasper said.  “We’ve done nothing but fight, and I’ve tried to hurt you every way I could think of.”

“Yeah, sisters do that sometimes too.  It’s a whole weird set-up.  But either way, friends or not, I know you’re part of me now.  You just are.  Sorry, I’m really bad at explanations.  I’m really bad at most things.  Good at breaking things and making a mess, and shapeshifting.  That’s what I got.”  She wiped her nose and tried to smile.  Jasper’s hand was still resting on her back, heavy and warm and kind of comforting.

“Do you shapeshift a lot because your base form is wrong?” Jasper asked.

“I didn’t really know I was wrong when I started shapeshifting,” Amethyst admitted.  “I did it ‘cause I was so  _ bored _ and lonely.  The first thing I knew I could do was fight, and when I didn’t get a chance to do that the only other thing I knew about was shapeshifting, so I did it a lot.  I copied different rocks.  Any time I saw a bug, or a lizard, or a bird, I’d copy that.  They didn’t come  _ in _ the Kindergarten a lot, they knew it was a bad place, but sometimes they’d get lost and wander in, or sometimes I’d explore out a little ways and see things.  I’d always go back in, though.  I felt like sooner or later someone was going to come find me and tell me what to do, what I was supposed to fight for, and I’d need to be where they could find me.  I guess in the end I was right about that.”

“Why was it a bad place?  Alpha was the  _ good _ Kindergarten.   _ This _ is the bad place,” Jasper said, jerking her head out towards the red sandstone canyon.  

“It was a bad place ‘cause it’s where Gems sucked the life out of the Earth to make more Gems,” Amethyst said.  “Sucked its chi or whatever.  Energy.  You haven’t ever been there, have you?”

“No.”

“Then take it from me, it has a really bad vibe.  I used to be used to it.  It was home, you know?  When I went back to it after some time away, after finding out what home was supposed to be like with Rose, I was shocked.  I thought something had changed till I realised I’d changed.  I didn’t know it was creepy till then.  I could still see it the way I used to see it but also see it the way a normal person would at the same time.  I knew it was bad… and I knew I was bad because I came from it.  But it was still  _ mine.” _

“Like a sister?” Jasper asked, looking as if she was trying to do algebra in her head.

“Maybe sort of.”  

“I’m so confused and tired.  I guess confused and tired is a tiny bit better than miserable and alone.”

“You don’t have to be alone.  I’ll keep coming back.”  On impulse she stood up on tiptoe and put her arms round Jasper’s neck, hugging her tight and pressing her face into the silky fluff of her hair.  Jasper grunted and tensed right up for a brief moment before she must have realised this wasn’t actually attempted strangulation.  She didn’t hug back, but after a moment more she gingerly placed her hand on Amethyst’s back again.

“Aren’t you afraid you’ll catch it?” she asked quietly.

“Naw.  I don’t think it works like that.  Me hugging you doesn’t work so good, though, I need to stretch my arms to go all the way round you.”  She let go and stepped back, feeling sheepish.  “Didn’t mean to get so touchy-feely.”

“I didn’t mind.  It’s not as if you could’ve hurt me.”

“Yeah, nah, true.”  Amethyst wiped her nose again, more because she was fidgety with embarrassment than because it was still runny.  “I’m not really a hugger.”

“Neither am I.”  Jasper straightened up and rubbed the back of her neck.  The greenish blotches that had begun to expand over her skin when she got so upset were fading at the edges, returning to their earlier shape.

“So, uh, yeah.  That’s what sister means.  Kinda.  Anyhoo!”  She clapped her hands together briskly.  “If it wouldn’t insult your form too much I still think the shapeshifting out of the chain plan is worth a shot.”

“You mean shapeshift my whole body?”

“Yeah.”

“I’ve never done that, only parts.  Once I had to help dig out a facility that had had a cave-in and we were told to make our hands into shovels.  Like that.  I’ve had opponents in the arena who use it to look more imposing but that’s just showy crowd-pleasing stuff, there’s no substance to it and I beat them down every time.”

“You fight in an arena?”  Was it like wrestling?  Amethyst had to tell herself to calm down and not be a fan at Jasper when she probably wouldn’t understand what she was going on about.  Still, it was kind of exciting if there was something they could maybe actually bond over.  Would Jasper think something like the Purple Puma was only show and no substance, though?

“It’s most of what I do these days.  This mission was meant to be a big change from all of that.  Back to my origins.”  Jasper shrugged one shoulder.  “Look how well that turned out.  They’ll probably come up with some story where I nobly perished in deep space and a few fans will be sad for a while and then they’ll forget about me.  Nobody’s going to want a failure back.”

“That’s not true.”  Amethyst’s belly flip-flopped with sudden guilt.

“You don’t know what it’s like.”

“No, I know it’s not true, because Yellow Diamond  _ does _ want you back.  She sent a bunch of Rubies to get you.”

“Rubies?” Jasper repeated, frowning.

“Yeah, five Rubies in a little ship that was bigger on the inside.”

“Only Rubies?”

“Yeah, why?”

“Because - listen, I’m a fair-minded Gem, even with my enemies I’ll give credit where it’s due.  Rubies have a lot of good qualities.  They’re loyal and brave and very tough for their size.  But they need a  _ lot _ of direction.”

“It’s okay, you can say they’re dumber than lint.”

A very small quirk that might after a few million years evolve into a smile appeared at the corner of Jasper’s mouth.  “It’s just a strange choice to send Rubies without even a diplomat or a technician to instruct them.”

“It’s not just that Yellow Diamond must want you back if she sent them.   _ They _ wanted you back.  Those Rubies thought you were the bee’s knees - I mean they thought you were really great, you were their hero.”

“Did they tell you that?” Jasper asked, looking puzzled.  “Did you  _ ask _ them about me?”

“Well, no, I - look, I’m not proud of this, I thought it was a good idea at the time.  I shapeshifted and pretended I  _ was _ you.”

_ “What?” _

Amethyst felt sick, but she pressed on, talking fast.  “They’d already shown up once looking for you and we managed to fob them off with baseball and a story about Neptune but then they went and  _ checked _ on Neptune and came back all ticked off and so we needed something better, and I just thought, you know, they’d listen to Jasper, or whoever they  _ thought _ was Jasper.”

Jasper looked sincerely baffled.  “How could they have thought you were me?  Even if none of them had met me in person, there are pictures of me, there are posters, my fights are broadcast worldwide.  You’re not even the right colour to start with.”

“I told them you got a tan.”

“What’s  _ that!?”   _ Jasper seemed offended by how confused she was now.  “You don’t look remotely like me, this is stupid even by Ruby standards.”

“Just look, okay?”  Amethyst scrunched her eyes shut and did the transformation again.  Jasper was silent.  After a moment she opened one eye and peeked to see how angry she looked.  She was just staring, her face almost blank.

“Turn around?” she said, making a rotating gesture in the air with her forefinger.  Amethyst turned, hunched over slightly because she’d made herself so big her shoulders brushed the cave walls.  Jasper imagined the exit hole bigger than it was, or herself smaller than she was while she was  _ in _ the hole, but it was still a tight fit like this.  When she had turned back to face her, Jasper was still staring, although now her brows were knit together.  It looked like a thinking frown more than an angry frown, though.

“Yeah, so I think I managed to be pretty convincing, at least to Rubies,” she said, and returned to her usual shape.

“But if you can look like that, then why not look like that  _ all _ the time?” Jasper asked.  

“That’s not how shapeshifting works.  Projecting myself that much bigger is hard work, man, I get tired.  Sooner or later I snap back to my real size.  Didn’t you know that?”

“I’ve never needed to make myself look bigger.”

“Oh, fair point.”

Jasper was  _ still _ staring at her in baffled, grumpy wonder.  “I’ve never seen anything like that.  It was so detailed.  I don’t think you got everything absolutely right, like I’m pretty sure my eyes aren’t that big, but you looked  _ real.” _

“If you do anything as much as I do shapeshifting, you’re gonna get good at it,” Amethyst said, shrugging.  She felt as if she was unfairly getting away with something; Pearl was always so offended when she copied her form that she’d somehow thought, with a far shakier relationship between them, Jasper would be absolutely furious.  And it wasn’t just that she’d impersonated Jasper, she’d impersonated her and received a whole lot of love and admiration that she had no right to and that could have made Jasper feel a lot better if she’d been able to receive it herself.  It was like someone had handed her a big box of Valentine candy addressed to Jasper and she’d eaten it all.

“What happened to the Rubies?  Did you fob them off again?”

“I really tried to, but I was kind of out of my depth and every time I thought I’d done a good bluff and they’d be satisfied and go away, they wanted something else.  Long story short, they got blown out of an airlock on the moon and we think they’re lost in space.”

Jasper gave a low whistle.  “But they’re together, right?”

“No, they got separated.  Well, they were fused up to then,  _ then _ Sardonyx hit ‘em in the breadbasket with her mallet,  _ then _ they separated and whoosh.”

“Oh, no.  Those poor little saps,” said Jasper, shaking her head.  “You know how Rubies are.  Or do you?  They  _ hate _ being alone.  Though I guess you only know one, and she’s fixed it so she’s never alone.  They’re almost as bad off as I am.”

“Look, I already feel bad about it, okay?  I was  _ trying _ to fix things without anyone getting hurt, believe it or not.  It could’ve worked if Doc hadn’t been so thirsty for lap sits.”  Amethyst sat down, leaning her back against the wall opposite Jasper.  “We did look for them but they must have drifted too far by the time we found Steven.  Pearl says if they’re lucky they’ll settle into low Earth orbit and maybe come down as meteors some time.  All we can do is keep an eye out.  I’m sorry, I know I really messed things up.  They would have loved to see you and maybe you would feel better too.”  Maybe she could have brought one of them here with her.

“Hero worship doesn’t make me feel better,” Jasper said.  “I enjoy it when fans are making a fuss of me but I know it’s not real.  When I’m alone again and the buzz wears off I know how much of a fraud I am.  The person they think they’re loving isn’t even me.  And if they saw what happened to me, they’d know what I really am.  They wouldn’t want that.  I know I was something for Gems to believe in.  All that ‘the Beta Gem that could’ nonsense.  I bought it myself for a long time.”  She shook her head again.  “What did you mean about lap sits and a dock?”

“Doc is the nickname Steven called the head Ruby so we could tell ‘em apart.  And I let her sit on my lap because she wanted me to fly the dang ship and  _ I _ don’t know how to fly a Homeworld ship, I can’t even drive stick, and I thought if I made her feel special she’d be so stoked she wouldn’t think too hard about it… you know… she could sit on my knee and steer.   _ That _ part worked.”  She’d been thinking of the times a much younger Greg had let her sit on his knee and steer the van while he worked the pedals and the gear shift, but he hadn’t been so keen to do that again after the fire hydrant.  It had still been worth it to see the waterspout.

Jasper covered her mouth with one hand.  From the way her cheeks moved Amethyst was pretty sure there was a grin happening back there.  “You sat her in your  _ lap? _  I never let them do things like that any more.  You know how many dumb lovesick Gems I’ve had hanging around my door thinking we had something special because I put my arm round them for a picture?  I thought about getting a Pearl just to shoo them away.”

“Did you?  Have a Pearl working for you?”  The idea creeped her out; from what Peridot had said it sounded as if Homeworld Pearls were basically slaves, and even paid servants bothered her a little unless they brought their bosses down to earth by being sassy like Li’l Butler.

“I’ve been given a few, but I always regifted ‘em.  They make me uncomfortable.  I don’t like the way they’ll just stand around waiting for you to give them something to do.  I have enough to do being responsible for myself without having to give someone else’s life a purpose too.”

“That’s interesting.  Pearl’s  _ always _ doing something.  I don’t think she ever stands around.  Even if she has to wait for something she’ll pace.”  Amethyst paused.  “Don’t you feel bad for Pearls just getting given to someone without anyone asking how they feel about it?”

Jasper eyed her uneasily.  “Why just Pearls?  That happens to everyone.  You go where you’re sent and you do the job you’re given.”

“Or regifted?  How do you think it feels getting regifted?”

“Why should it be any different from being given in the first place?  Look, you don’t understand because you’ve always lived here.  It’s just the way things are on Homeworld.  How you feel about it doesn’t make any difference, you just get on with it.”

“Or you have a whole big rebellion about it and let people choose for themselves.”

“I was  _ regifted,” _ Jasper said, sharply.  “Not even that, Yellow Diamond said she’d  _ take _ me when she and White and Blue were divvying up the survivors from the Pink Court.”

“Sounds like it didn’t feel very good.”

“No, that’s the worst of it.  I was  _ happy. _  I was so grateful that someone still wanted me.  I told you I’m not falling for that again.”  Jasper had her arms folded across her chest now and was glowering at her; she seemed to be getting mad about this instead of the whole impersonation and love-candy theft.  Amethyst decided to let it go for now.

“Okay,” she said.  “But will you try the shapeshifting?  You don’t have to do anything detailed, I’m not asking to see a scale-perfect anaconda.  You’d make a great anaconda, but that’s not the point.  Just make your body a lot thinner than the loop in the chain and slide straight out.”

“I… I don’t  _ know _ how to do anything like that,” Jasper said, evidently madder still about having to admit her ignorance.  “I’ve never changed the shape of my whole body in my life.  Gems don’t normally spend all the time focusing on  _ distorting _ themselves that you did.  You - you’d have to teach me.”

“Oh.  Oh, okay, I can do that, no problem, Boblem.  I’ll do some basics and you can copy me.  How about shapes?”  She morphed her body into a sphere.  “Be a ball.”

“How do you  _ be a ball?” _ Jasper asked irritably.

“It’s, uh… well, hey, you said you’ve changed the shape of your hands, right?  Can you make one of your hands into a ball?” Amethyst asked, rolling back and forth.

“I can make one of my hands into a fist,” Jasper muttered, but she appeared to be trying.  

“I know you’re being grouchy but that’s a good place to start.”

“I know, quiet.”  The outline of her fist blurred and glowed fitfully before it became, not quite a ball, but a smoothed-off rounded shape.  Jasper sighed in disgust.  “I’m not going to be able to do this, am I.”

“Oh, come on!  The problem is you’re looking at LeBron James doing a slam-dunk while you’re still learning to dribble.  I  _ mean,” _ she corrected herself before Jasper could get out the protest that was obviously on its way, “you’re watching an expert when you’re a beginner, okay?  So don’t compare us like that or you’ll feel bad when you don’t need to.  What you’ve got there is really decent for a first try.  Shake it out and try again.”

“It should come naturally,” Jasper complained, flexing her reformed fingers, “or you’re not meant to be doing it.”

“Balls to that, it took me centuries to get this good.  And I am  _ really _ good, aren’t I?”

“If you’re telling me it’s going to take centuries to get out of this chain…”

“I’m not.  I don’t know how talented you are but it could take centuries to do  _ this.” _  She changed into a cat, swished her tail and rolled over to show her fluffy tummy.  “Or  _ this.” _  She changed into Lion and roared.  “Or hey, this!”  She’d briefly thought of showing off her Peridot, because she was pretty proud of how that was coming along, but realised in time that it would be tactless even for her to show Jasper the person who just poofed her and switched over to her Pearl.  “Or this.”  As a kind of finale she changed into her good old owl form, flapped into the air and swooped to the end of the hole, out into the canyon, around in a wide loop and back, folding back into her usual form at Jasper’s feet.  “To-whit, to-whoo, ta-daaaaa.”

She’d expected Jasper to be impressed, because obviously, but she looked electrified.  She grabbed Amethyst by the shoulders, almost hard enough to hurt.

“If I get good enough at shapeshifting, I can  _ fly!?”  _ she demanded, her face uncomfortably close to Amethyst’s.

“Ugh, say it, don’t spray it.  Yeah, of course.  Like I said, I’ve been copying birds forever.  You can’t do that first, though, you gotta get the basics down.  I know that sounds super boring but - okay.”  Jasper had let go of her and was morphing and remorphing her right hand with feverish intensity.  “Okay, slow down, champ, you could hurt yourself like that.  Nice and steady so you got it under control, okay?  Count it in.  One, two, three, go.  One, two, three, go.  That’s great.  Think about the back of it too, the side you can’t see.  One, two, three, go.”

“It’s still uneven!”

“It’s more even than it  _ was!   _ Keep it coming, you got this.  One, two, three, go.”  She kept counting, and Jasper kept trying, until she was shaking and sweating as badly as Amethyst had been on the moon.

“Why does it feel like this?” she asked.  “Have I damaged something?”

“No, dude, it’s  _ hard.   _ This biz takes a lot of energy.  Take a break.”

“I haven’t got it right yet, though,” Jasper protested, trying again.

“If you keep pushing it when you’re tired you’re not gonna get it right, you’re gonna start getting it more wrong.  You did some really good practice.  Sit back and catch your breath.  This is the expert talking.  Okay?”

Reluctantly, Jasper let her hand slip back to its usual form and dropped it to rest on her knee.  Her fingers were twitching.

“You got a  _ lot better,” _ Amethyst assured her, sitting down beside her.  “I’m not saying that to make you feel good, I really saw it.  It was smoother, it was rounder.  If you keep practising when I’m not here, you’re going to get it.  You just gotta pace yourself.”

“Okay,” Jasper said, nodding.  A drop of sweat rolled off the end of her nose.  “I can practise all the time you’re not here.  Ha, like you did in Alpha, right?”  She flashed Amethyst a brief, crooked grin.  

“Yeah, if you want.  It doesn’t have to be all the time, though.  I brought you other stuff we thought could keep you entertained.  I mean, it’s pretty general ‘cause we don’t really know what you like.  There’s a ball - and I didn’t plan that, we just thought you could bounce it off the walls, but look!  You can use it as a model too.”  She rolled onto her knees and reached into the bundle to bring out an orange tennis ball.  “It’s orange ‘cause we thought you might like that.”  She plopped it into the palm of Jasper’s limp right hand.  

“Steven really tried to make you some books too, but they came out weird.  Like books we’ve both read, but when I test-read one, it was different than I remember it.  We weren’t sure they were right so we left it for now.  Here’s a pillow in case you wanna lie down and put your head on something softer than a rock.  I dig how he made it look like a puffy little cloud.”  She squished it to show how soft and bouncy it was and put it in Jasper’s lap.  

“Lots of paper and pencils and crayons and markers so you can write or draw if you want to.  Heck, write on the walls, who’s going to stop you?  Tag ‘em up.”  She put the stack of sketchbooks and the boxes of pencils and colouring stuff on top of the pillow.  “Any of this appeal?”

“I’ve… never really done much writing and the only drawing I’ve done is diagrams of battle plans,” Jasper said.  “You’re probably going to be disappointed.”

“No I’m not.  You’re not doing it to impress me, you’re doing it for a creative outlet for your  _ feeeelings. _  Or just to be less bored.  That’s about it for now.  Hope it helps.”

“What’s going to help is getting this shapeshifting technique down.  Amethyst - thank you.”  Jasper said it with such emphasis that Amethyst got the impression she was supposed to be super honoured to be thanked by the likes of her.  

“Ah, de nada.”  She could feel an odd kind of tugging sensation in the corners of her mind, like being able to not quite see something in peripheral vision, and she though it was the feeling of Steven starting to wake up.  The flickery blinking thing hadn’t started yet but it was probably on its way, and it had seemed to kind of freak Jasper out the last time she saw it.  Better get out of here.  “Listen, I have to go now, but I’m coming back, okay?  See ya, sis.”  She gave a big wave and scurried off; the flickering was already beginning as she reached the mouth of the hole.  The sound she could hear was blinking out too, but right before she woke up she thought she heard Jasper say something ending in “sis.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't usually post two chapters in a day and this is really more like the second half of a chapter that I began but broke off midway because I wasn't sure I could do any more. Then some more flowed unexpectedly, so this happened.


	5. Chapter 5

Steven went downstairs and got toaster waffles and brought them back _upstairs_ so he could have breakfast in bed during the dream debrief.  Amethyst scootched herself in under the quilt companionably.

“You sure you’re okay?  You look kinda burnt out.”  She regarded him critically as he yawned.  There were blue shadows under his eyes.

“Yeah, I’ll be fine, I just need to eat something.  Maybe take an afternoon nap.  I think _making_ stuff in a dream took more out of me, but it’s worth it if it helps, right?  Did she like the cloud pillow?  I thought the cloud pillow was so cute.”

“I think she didn’t really know what to say about it yet.  She probably needs to sleep on it.”

“Ayyyy.”  

“Ayyyyyy.”  Amethyst stole a waffle from his plate and wedged it into her mouth whole.

“So tell me, what’d you guys talk about?”

“I dunno… stuff…  I guess the main points are, she still doesn’t really trust us.  I said something that made her think we’re just experimenting on her to see if we can heal corruption for all the _other_ bubbled gems’ sake and she was like _ohhhhh_ now it makes sense, like we wouldn’t be bothering with her otherwise.  I tried to explain that, you know, we give a crap about _her_ but I’m not sure she gets it yet.”

“I mean, I _do_ want to heal corruption for all the other bubbled gems’ sake but I care about her _too,”_ Steven said, nibbling his way along the edge of the third waffle row by row of little squares.

“Oh, and the bolt cutters didn’t work.  That chain is made of adamantium or some junk.  It’s so creepy.  At least she dreams it round her waist and not round her neck.  Then I thought she could just shapeshift out of the loop, but it turns out she’s a real noob at shapeshifting so I had to coach her.  At first she was grouchy about it but I gave her some demos of my best stuff and you should’ve seen her light up when I showed her my owl.  Homegirl _really_ wants to fly.  Did you know that about her?”

“Ah,” said Steven, looking uncomfortable.  “I remember her saying something about that when she came after Lapis.  It was a big deal to her that Malachite could fly.”

“Oooh.”  Amethyst winced.  “You mean the time when she was really manic and a little bit stalkery and wanted to smash you?”

“That was not a nice meeting,” he said, shaking his head.  “I mean, we’ve _never_ had a nice meeting but that was a real low even for us.”  He brightened up.  “But hey!  That could actually be a really good thing, if she still wants to fly but she’s thinking about how she could _get_ to fly without needing to be Malachite.  Getting good at shapeshifting sounds way healthier than trying to get back with someone who doesn’t want anything to do with you.”

“Yeah,” said Amethyst, chewing the thought over.  “And it was the first time she seemed to feel anything but mad and sad.  The way she’s going I think it’s gonna take a while, but it’s something to keep her out of the dumps, right?  She’s really not great.  I had her just trying to make a ball out of her hand and it was like… she wasn’t doing it with any imagination, you know?  She was just drilling it over and over.  I mean, I’ve practised things over and over but… yeah, it was different.  Get the impression Homeworld’s not big on creativity.”

“Well _yeah,_ if Peridot didn’t even know about _music_ before I showed her,” Steven said.

“And that’s another thing!  I forgot to say but I was trying to tell Jasper how music helps when you hate your life and she said she hates music, and I was like _all of it?_ and she was like _yes!_ Wait, did she _say_ yes?  I don’t remember but she looked like she meant yes.  They’ve really done a number on her.”

“I was _thinking_ about that and you remember - no, you weren’t there but she told _me,_ Centipeetle told me that the weapon Homeworld used as they were leaving was like a song.  I’ve had some nightmares about it, this voice that - look, I don’t know, but maybe music has changed on Homeworld.  Maybe it’s only a weapon now?”

“Wow, congrats, that’s creepier than Jasper’s chain.”  Amethyst gave a little shudder.  “Maybe it’s a good thing we didn’t give her a harmonica like I wanted, she might’ve thought we were trying to kill her.  Look, anyway, eat up.  Sleep in.  We can go again in a couple days.  I think she’ll keep till then.”

 

The first thing Amethyst noticed on her next visit was that the exit hole looked, if possible, bigger.  That was weird.

“Hey, Steven,” she said, turning back with her hands on her hips.  “This hole look bigger to you?”

He looked up from the dreamed-up jigsaw puzzle he was spreading out on an equally dreamed-up low table, its legs nested in the sand.  “It really does.  I wonder what that means.”

“She was already dreaming it bigger than it was.  I mean, she could be in it but not touching the sides.  Huh.  Wonder if she’s gonna be bigger too.”

She noticed two things once she got inside and she wasn’t sure which was weirder.  The infinite battery lantern was still glowing brightly, good job, Steven, and so she could see A, the walls were covered in coloured marker drawings, and B, Jasper was a ball now.  Just a big orange ball with a loop of chain around its hemisphere, sitting there, the shape combining with the corruption blotches to heighten the resemblance to a mouldy tangerine.  

“Hey,” Amethyst said, impressed, “you really made some progress.”

The ball swivelled, its chain clinking, and Jasper’s face came into view on its side.  “I didn’t know what to do next,” she said.  “But is this good?”

“It’s _great._  I didn’t think you’d get this far on your own, but look at you!”  She shifted into a ball shape herself and bounced in place gently.  “Can ya bounce?”

“I don’t know.”  Jasper frowned with effort and managed to bounce a few inches.

“You’re doing it!  You’re having a ball now, right?”

“If you’re going to make ball jokes all the time you can just leave,” Jasper said, bouncing with grim determination.

“Wait, you got that one?  I mean, you got that it was a joke even if you hated it?”

“Of course I did, we do have _balls.”_

“Snort.”

“What?”

“Never mind.”

“I have to go to two or three a year and _everyone_ wants to dance with me and it’s a huge waste of my time,” Jasper went on, still proving that it was possible to bounce grumpily.

“How do you dance if you don’t have music?” Amethyst asked, bouncing companionably.

“What are you talking about?  Of course we have music.  Those neverending balls are part of why I don’t _like_ it.”

“Oh, okay, ‘cause Peri didn’t know anything about music before she came here.”

“She wouldn’t, it’s a high society thing, very exclusive.  I only know about it because sometimes Yellow Diamond wants to show me off like, look, the brute cleans up nicely.”  Jasper lost her concentration for a moment, said “Whoops” and bounced off at an angle, bumping into Amethyst.  “Damn it!”

Amethyst bumped back and bounced Jasper gently off the wall.  “Boop!”

“Don’t _boop_ me, I - aargh!”  The bouncing was getting out of control and they were both ricocheting around in a chaos of boings and jingles from the chain.  Amethyst snorted and began to laugh raucously.  She was startled and pleased to hear a kind of “pff” noise from Jasper, not quite a laugh but maybe a pre-laugh.

“Boing!  Boing!”

“Oh, boing yourself,” Jasper said, sailing by upside down.

“I can’t hear you!  Boi-yoi-yoing!”

 _“Boing!”_  Jasper bounced herself off the far wall and cannoned into Amethyst with a smack.  The angle of their collision flung Amethyst back towards the rear of the cave while Jasper flew towards its mouth.  She looked as if she might actually fly out of it for half a second; then the chain snapped taut and she snapped back to her own shape with a grunt before dropping on her backside.

“You okay?” Amethyst asked, scrambling back into shape herself.

“It takes more than that to hurt me,” Jasper grumbled, one arm cradled across her belly where the chain must have cut in sharply.  She rolled over and pushed herself up on her hands and knees, her head hanging, then snapping up.  “Did we wreck the walls?”  She was looking around them with wide eyes, and sank back after a moment in apparent relief.  “No.  Good.”

“I was going to say.  You kept busy.”  

“The paper you gave me was too small so I went onto the walls.”

You couldn’t call Jasper a _good_ artist but you could tell what her drawings were meant to be.  There was a lot of energy in them, even if the perspective was a bit weird.  A swathe of wall was taken up by a raging Malachite, wings spread and every hand a fist.  Even larger than her was a drawing of Lapis Lazuli, floating in the air and clutching two thick chains that ran down to the floor.  Her face was a blue blank.

“I couldn’t get her eyes right so I coloured over it,” Jasper said, shrugging.  “I wasn’t made for art.”

On the opposite wall she had drawn a tall pink figure with a halo of cotton-candy hair, surrounded by white, yellow and blue stars.  “Pink Diamond?” Amethyst asked.

“I decided nobody can stop me talking about her any more,” Jasper said forcefully, as if Amethyst had been going to try.  “She’s still my Diamond.”

“She looks beautiful.”

“She looks awful, I can’t show what she looked like at all.  I made myself stop talking about her, I tried to make myself stop _thinking_ about her, and I _lost_ things.  I don’t remember the shape of her face, except that that’s not it.  I don’t remember what her clothes were like.  I can’t ever show anyone how beautiful she was.”  Jasper subsided to sit back on her heels, her hands lying loose between her knees.  “There aren’t many of us who even remember her, and I’m not even remembering her right any more.”

“I wouldn’t be sure I was remembering Rose right if we didn’t have lots of photos of her,” Amethyst offered.  “Fourteen years is a long ti -”  She stopped, feeling like a tactless moron.  Jasper had _thousands_ of years’ grief on her.

“I didn’t realise you’d lost her so recently,” Jasper said, frowning.  “So… she lived here for millennia and just fourteen years ago something changed?”

“Yes, no, I don’t know.  I still love Rose but she wasn’t maybe the best at explanations.  Or, you know.  Telling the truth.  I mean, I know what she _told_ me, but now I don’t know whether I can believe it.  You know what - I mean - okay, just really recently, right, Steven found this bubble Rose had hidden with Bismuth in it.  Bismuth was a Crystal Gem.  No one _ever_ said her name before then but when she saw Garnet and Pearl again it was like they’d been BFF.  Best friends forever,” she added as a sidebar.  “When she met me she said, ‘we can always use more Amethysts.’   _More._  No one ever even told me there were Amethysts in the Crystal Gems before me.”

“Oh yeah.  Half a battalion turned, it was horrible.  That was before my time but people still talked about it.”

“You know what else we found out in the end?”

“No, what?”

“Bismuth was a weapons… monger, smith, thing.  She designed a weapon she called the Breaking Point that was made to shatter a Gem in one shot.  She thought it was going to win the war for us, but when she showed Rose, Rose said no way, absolutely not, we’re not gonna go around shattering people on purpose.  And Bismuth still wanted to do it so before anyone else found out about it, Rose poofed her and bubbled her and hid her in Lion’s mane!  She let everyone else think Bismuth got lost during a battle!  She was their _friend_ and Rose let them think she was dead!  And - and I get why she didn’t wanna let Bismuth _do_ that but if that’s how she really felt, what _happened?_ What the hell happened between then and Pink Diamond?  No one can _tell_ me.  Or will tell me.  I _know_ Garnet and Pearl know tons of things they’re not telling me now.  And I still love them but that’s freaking me out.  How can I really trust them?”

“Where’s Bismuth now?” Jasper asked thoughtfully.

“Bubbled again.  It was a whole bad scene, she and Steven had this big showdown and he had to poof her.  But he told us all about it, he didn’t hide anything like Rose did.”

“I have two thoughts about that.  One is, did you see what happened?  Because if you didn’t, how do you know _he_ told you the truth?  Two, if you can come visit me while I’m bubbled, can you do that with Bismuth too?  Get her side of the story.”

Amethyst had to bite down an angry answer.   _She doesn’t know, she can’t be expected to know, remember everything Peridot didn’t know that you thought she should._  “I know Steven told me the truth because I know him really, really well.  I think a whole heck of a lot better than I knew Rose or I really know Garnet and Pearl.  I’ve seen him grow up since he was a baby and I trust him.  And… I don’t think I could go see Bismuth because I don’t feel connected to her like I do to you.”

“Oh,” said Jasper.  She went quiet for a moment, picked up one of the markers strewn around the floor, uncapped it and looked at the tip, capped it again.  

“Yeah, she’s not like a _sis-_ muth.  Aw, man, she loved jokes about her name, she’d be bummed she missed that one.”  Amethyst picked up a purple marker, pulled off the cap and smelled it.  Grape, the Steven touch.  “So… you know you’re in a bubble?  ‘Cause I don’t think I told you.”

“I know it’s what the Crystal Gems do with their defeated enemies.  There were reports.  It’s not hard to figure out.”

“You know, if you ever want to talk about Pink Diamond I’ll listen.  I don’t really know squat about the Diamonds, I’d like to hear what one of them was like.”

“They haven’t even told you about the _Diamonds?”_ Jasper repeated.  “How do they expect you to understand anything about - anything?  About your life, about who you are?  You were made for Pink Diamond just as much as I was.  She’s your Diamond too.”

“Dude, tell me about her.  Start anywhere.  What was her favourite colour?  Haaa.”

“Orange,” Jasper said quietly.

“What?”

“She told me her favourite colour was orange.  Maybe she was just being nice but I never heard her _say_ it was pink.  She said one of her favourite things about the planet Earth was the sunsets and sunrises and all the beautiful shades of orange they put in the sky.  And I said there was a lot of beautiful pink in sunrises and sunsets too, and she said I was sweet.  She’s the only person who ever called me _sweet._ And now you’re the only person I’ve ever told.”

“Aww.”  Amethyst started colouring in her fingernails with the grape marker.  “Was it Yellow Diamond who said you couldn’t talk about her?”

“Yes.  I don’t blame her.  It must have been painful for her.  I suppose the Diamonds are like… sisters.”

“I’m not a big fan of not talking about bad things these days.”

“You want everyone to tell everyone everything?”

“Probably not.  We’re not telling Garnet and Pearl about you.  Not till we know you’re going to be okay.  But… even when we do, even when you’re all strong and kickass and yourself again, it might be hard.  I don’t know how they’re going to feel about you.  How do you feel about them?”

Jasper uncapped her marker again and smelt it, although she pulled her head back and curled her lip as if she didn’t like the watermelon scent much.  “I don’t feel anything about your Pearl one way or another.  I can… respect Garnet.  I understand her better now.  I don’t think that would make us friends.”  She got up and began adding watermelon-pink highlights into Pink Diamond’s wild candy-pink hair.  “You know, though,” she said, not looking at Amethyst, “if I were free it would still be my duty to fight you.”

“What _for?_  Rose Quartz is gone and you don’t really want to work for Yellow Diamond, do you?” Amethyst asked in dismay.  She’d thought they’d got further than that.

“Because fighting is my life.  Fighting is what I am.”

“Still telling you it doesn’t have to be.”

“I’m too old to change now,” Jasper muttered, scribbling away with her nose close to the rock.

“You’re changing all the time.”

“For the worse!”  Jasper leaned her forehead on the wall, then pushed back from it angrily.  “Why am I _doing_ this?  I’m making it worse.  This is an insult to her memory.  It isn’t even _real_ and this piece of trash is probably the only portrait of Pink Diamond _left._ You know what they did after the retreat?  They took down every statue of her, they tore up every mosaic, they painted over every mural with her in it.  Redesigned the crest with three triangles instead of four diamonds - triangles!  All so no one had to remember.  Everyone who still had a pink diamond on her somewhere had to be poofed and reform with new colours.  They had to hold _me_ down, I’ll tell you that.  And now people really don’t remember!”  She swung round and glared at Amethyst.  “Even me!”

“I - don’t know what to say.”  Amethyst spun the marker between her fingers nervously.  

“There’s nothing to say!  It’s just terrible!”

“It _is_ terrible!”

“Good!  About time someone agreed with me!”

“That 100% stone cold sucks!”  Amethyst jumped to her feet and raised her voice to match Jasper’s.

“Yes!  Whatever that means!”  Jasper flung herself down to sit with her back against the wall, hunched up once again with her arms around her knees.  “It’s terrible and it’s never going to get better.”

“But Jasper?”  Amethyst leaned over and put one hand on her knee.

“What?”

“There’s still at least one mural of Pink Diamond.  I’ve seen it, it’s on the Moon.  It looks great.  It’s not easy to get there with the Galaxy Warp out of commission but I’ll find a way to get you up there so you can see - something that reminds you of her again.”

Jasper raised her face a little, staring at her suspiciously.  “You’re just saying that to manipulate me.”

“No I’m not.  I’m seriously not smart enough to manipulate people.  It’s there.”

“Yeah, you’d say that if you were manipulating me too.”

“Ugh, fine, think that if you wanna.”  Amethyst flung down her purple marker and walked away.  She found a spot near the mouth of the cave and sat down, facing out, leaning her shoulder on the wall.   _I thought she was warming up.  I thought we even had a little bit of fun._ Behind her she heard Jasper get to her feet and lumber into the back of the cave, her chain clinking as she went.

_Did she make this place bigger because she thinks she’s going to be here forever?  Just stuck, never changing?_

_Why would she do things like draw all these pictures if she can’t change?  Peridot and Lapis make art too.  I should tell her about the meepmorps.  No, that’s a rotten idea, she doesn’t need to hear Lapis is all happy living with a new BFF in a funky converted barn._

_Why would she tell me something she never told anyone else if she didn’t think she could trust me?_

Her eyes were prickling, but she sniffed hard and told herself there was nothing to cry about here.  She got up and walked back into the cave.  

Jasper had turned off the lantern and was lying on her face in the dark.  Either she was in the depths of despair or she was being highly dramatic.  Amethyst poked her in the butt with the toe of one boot.

“Hey,” she said.

“Go away,” Jasper said, muffled.

“No.  Tell me more about that time Pink Diamond said you were sweet.  That sounds like a hell of a story.”

“No.”

“Why would she tell _your_ grouchy ass you were sweet?  Details or it didn’t happen.”  She sat down next to Jasper’s waist and leaned back on her.  “It sounded like it was important to you.”

There was a silence that stretched out to the point where Amethyst wondered if she should just leave.  Jasper sniffed and turned her head to one side, resting on her folded arm.  “I was a few days old and there was a lull in the fighting and they took me in to see her,” she said, her voice subdued.  “It was a reward.  And she’d asked to see me.  I still didn’t really understand how she was honouring me.  I knew it was important but I was so new and stupid I had no idea.  Then I saw her, and she smiled at me, and she _knelt down to talk to me_ \- I mean, can you imagine that?”

“I’m just imagining how big she must’ve been if she _needed_ to kneel to talk to you.”

“And she sent the others away and she talked to just me.  She asked me about myself and I had almost nothing to tell her but she acted like it was interesting.  She told me I was strong and beautiful and we should never stop looking for beauty and things were going to be beautiful once we had peace again.  I got really scared then because I thought she wouldn’t need me then and… I’d end up like the others… but she saw what I was thinking and she told me she’d always need me to protect her.  The sun was setting and that’s when she told me about her favourite colour.  And that’s when she said I was sweet, all right?”

 _Like the others?_  Amethyst didn’t know for sure what she meant but given what Peridot had said about the number of dud Gems that had come out of Beta and given what Jasper herself had said, ranting about useless Gems being purged, she thought she had some idea.

“She sounds really kind,” she said.  “It sounds like you had a rough time when you were new.  I’m glad there was someone who said nice things to you.”

“And she told me,” Jasper said, her voice half muffled again as if she wanted to say this but was also trying not to be heard, “that when she saw me she felt full of hope again.  Knowing something as good as me could come out of even a situation as bad as we were in.  She said, ‘I know you’ll never let me down, my perfect Jasper.’  And she kissed me on top of my head.  That’s the whole story, after that everyone else came back.  I never actually got to be alone with her again but she’d smile at me whenever she saw me.  She remembered who I was.”

“Aw, Jasp.”

“Jas _per.”_

“Jas _per.”_  Amethyst patted her on the back.  “That’s a good story.  Thanks for telling me.”  That was an uncomfortably _sincere_ thing to say, so it helped to be in the dark.

“I wish she’d been right.”

“Yeah, me too.”

“No you don’t, or your side would have lost.  You probably wouldn’t exist,” Jasper grunted.

“I’m kind of a sap so I wish there was a way she could be right _and_ we didn’t lose _and_ I still get to exist.”  She leaned back further and put her head on Jasper’s back.  “Hey, if it wasn’t your duty to still fight us, would you _want_ to?”

“What I _want_ is irrelevant.”

“Yeah, but we’re just spitballing here, so what _do_ you want?”

“I don’t know.”  Jasper was quiet again for a long time, her breathing growing gradually louder and angrier-sounding.  “I don’t have a plan!  I don’t have an alternative!” she burst out.  “I don’t want to be miserable all the time!  I don’t want to feel like dirt and hate all my memories and know the one person I thought I had a _connection_ with thinks I’m disgusting and hates me and - and I don’t want to feel weak and helpless and useless and empty and ashamed and…”  Her voice broke apart as she began to cry again, burying her face in her folded arms.

Amethyst rolled over and slung her arm across Jasper’s back, trying to hug her.   _You’ve got a connection with me, dummy,_ she thought.  It stung a little bit if Jasper was still obsessing over Lapis when she’d been going out of her way to show her that she cared about her.  She couldn’t think of anything she could say so she just lay there and clung while Jasper’s body shook with angry sobs.  The chain looped around her waist was thick and cold against Amethyst’s arm.

“You should leave me,” Jasper wept.  “I’d destroy you if I got half a chance, I’d smash you to pieces.”

“Good thing we’re both just dreaming and you can’t, then.”

“I’ve shattered Gems before.”

“I figured you would’ve.  I have too.”

That seemed to quieten Jasper’s crying a bit.  She dragged in a deep, croaking breath and then said, “But you were going on as if you’d never do such a thing.”

“We don’t _want_ to.  We don’t do it _on purpose._  But you know we’ve spent all this time rounding up those poor corrupted Gems, right?  And we have to fight them.  And you can’t really control a fight, you can do everything you know how to do to take ‘em down without hurting ‘em, but sometimes…  After we lost Rose and Steven was just a baby we didn’t have anyone who could heal cracked Gems.  And I cracked a corruption real bad.  So Garnet had to show me how to finish it off quick and clean so it wouldn’t suffer any more.  I hoped so hard it wouldn’t happen again, I was super careful, but it did and that time Garnet said I had to do it myself.  She said when there was nothing else we could do for them we had to give them mercy.”  Tears were leaking over her face and she wiped her cheek on Jasper’s hair.

“I did it on purpose,” Jasper said, very low.  “It _was_ my purpose.  If I couldn’t have done it I’d have been broken too.  I was made for war.”

Amethyst sniffed hard and nodded, rocking her head against Jasper’s back.

“What do I have to say to make you leave?” Jasper asked.  “You know I’m a monster.”

“You’re still my sister.”

They lay in the dark, still sniffing and gulping, tears welling up again from time to time.  After a while Jasper rolled onto her side, put her arm around Amethyst and gathered her in against her chest, curling up around her.  She stayed nestled there as long as she could, until Steven woke.


	6. Chapter 6

It was hardly even dawn yet and Steven was rolling out of bed, dislodging Amethyst from a comfortable position lying sprawled over his legs.

“Dude.  What.”

“Believe me,” he said, feeling for the floor with his feet with his eyes still closed, “I wouldn’t be up either if I didn’t need to pee.”

“What’s with you and _peeing_ lately.  Oh wah, I need to pee _now._  Oh wah, I don’t wanna pee _outdoors.”_ Amethyst rolled herself up in his quilt.  She felt worn out by all that sleeping.  “Remember when you weren’t too proud to pee your pants.”

“We’ve all moved on, Amethyst.”

“Iwwas your fourteenth birthday.”

_“I was a baby and I’m going now.”_

He was back inside of five minutes, dislodging her again as he reclaimed enough of the quilt to curl up under.  “How’d it go with Jasper?” he asked, nestling into his pillow.

“Well, hanging out with Jasper’s never a pack of laughs.  We did actually kinda have fun at first!  She’s _nailed_ shifting into a ball, I was wrong about that.  I guess that super pig-headed thing of hers pays off.  But then things got heavy as uzhe.”

“I’m just trying to imagine Jasper as a ball.”

“Ultra weird.  You’d’ve dug it.”

“Think maybe I could come see her sometime soon?”

“I just… I _wanna_ bring you in but she’s all over the place.  It already upsets _me._  It’s not a Quartz sisters hangout till we’ve cried all over each other.  I don’t know if she’s getting better or worse.”

“Are you okay?”  She felt his hand fumble to pat the top of her head.  

“Aw, Steven.”  She pushed her head up under his hand, wriggling her shoulders contentedly.  “You care about me or something?”

“You know I do.”

“Yeah.  Kinda got that by now, ya mushball.  It helps.  Thanks.”

“What’d you talk about this time?”

“She got some stuff off her chest.  She really doesn’t like her life on Homeworld, feels like a show pony, people kissing her butt but no real friends.  The Diamonds have done this total wipe on anything with Pink Diamond’s face on it and she’s not allowed to _talk_ about her.  One thing I did think might be good is she _was_ talking about her, a lot, like she was taking her back?  Plus it turns out, you give Homeworld Gems art supplies and they just go nuts.  Not just Peri and Lapis.  She does murals.  I mean, they’re not very _good_ but they sure are _big.”_

“Does she still have her chain on?”

“Yeah, but I noticed something weird about it.  I didn’t wanna say anything to her ‘cause I thought… I don’t know, that might jinx it.  When she was having fun it got longer and thinner and lighter.  Like she was bouncing round the cave and it wasn’t stopping her.  Then when she nearly bounced out, wham, it was back.  And later on when she got really upset it got really heavy and chunky like an anchor chain.  Darn thing’s a metaphor.”

“Well, it _is_ in a dream.”

“She still doesn’t think she can change and she still feels like everything’s just gonna suck forever.  But, you know, that’s a starting point, right?  Rock bottom?”

“That’s the spirit.”  Steven yawned deeply.

“Steven?”

“Yeah?”

“I need to tell you something and it’s bad.”

Steven’s eyes opened and he frowned, twisting round in bed to be able to see her better.  “What’s wrong?”

“It’s something I told Jasper and now I know I gotta tell you.  We didn’t tell you before because… I dunno, we wanted to protect you and not depress the crap out of you but now I think you oughtta know so it doesn’t take you by surprise one of these days.”

“Okay,” he said doubtfully.  “Can I just check so I know which way to brace myself?  Is this something bad that _happened_ or something bad that’s _gonna_ happen?”

“Happened.  Doesn’t have to happen any more, because of you.”

“Aaah, pressure.  Something else I need to stop or fix?”

“No, this is something you’re already taking care of and you’re doing great.”

“Okay.  Okay, I think I’m all braced.  Hit me.”

She couldn’t meet his eyes while she told him about the shattering.  She just tried to keep it as short as she could without hiding any of what they’d done or making excuses.  When she was done he was quiet and she had no choice but to look him in the face to get some idea of how he was taking it.  It made her feel sick to see what she’d done to him; his face was all scrunched up and there were big silent tears escaping down his cheeks.

“I’m so sorry,” she said helplessly.  

“But,” he said, and stopped.  “But - I mean, when _you_ got cracked there was something we could do about it.  It was weird and scary and upsetting but nobody said ‘Oh, we just have to finish her off.’”

“I know.  I know, I couldn’t stop thinking about it back there with Jasper.  We don’t think like they’re Gems any more.  Corrupted Gems.  It’s not like we don’t _care_ about them but - but we can give up on them like we wouldn’t give up on each other.  It's so much easier to think 'I've never _really_ shattered anyone.'  That's what I've been telling myself.  It hardly ever happens! I can think of three times in the last fourteen years and there have to be _thousands_ we just poofed and bubbled, no problem.  But it’s there.  And if you didn’t have Rose’s powers, if we didn’t have this hope you’ll find a way to heal them, what would we ever do with ‘em?  Just keep going till we catch ‘em all like the world’s saddest game of _Pokémon?_  I don’t know if Garnet and Pearl ever _think_ about that and I’m thinking maybe they really don’t.  I’m thinking maybe they had to shut off from thinking about it like Yellow Diamond wants to shut everyone off from thinking about Pink Diamond because it just _hurts_ too much when you can’t do anything about it.  I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m dumping all this on you.”  She raked her hands through her hair, clutching at her tired, aching head.

“Come here, I need a hug and you do too.”  He sat up and pulled her in and squeezed her tight.  He really was getting freakishly strong.

“Just want you to know I’d be complaining about all this _affection_ if I wasn’t feeling so beat up.”  Amethyst wiped her nose on his pyjama shoulder.

“Jasper didn’t actually beat you up, did she?”

“Naw, she bounced into me a few times and in the end she gave me a hug.”

“Jasper does hugs?”

“Jasper actually does weirdly good hugs.  She’s got the build for it.”

“Well, who’d’ve thunk.”

“Not me.  Okay I’m maxed out on hugs now.”  Amethyst disengaged and sat back, wiping her nose again on her arm.  “You should go back to sleep.  Get some real shut-eye.  I’m going back to my room and do that too.”

“Amethyst?”

“Yeah?”

“I know you’re working really hard to make things better.  I just want you to know I know.”  Steven gave her a watery-eyed smile.

“Oh, pshaw.  You’re spending all night sitting in a crappy canyon doin’ jigsaws like a nerd so I can hang out with a big miserable orange, we’re even.”

 

Amethyst slept most of the morning away, but woke up feeling a little better.  She decided to give herself a treat, a little trash therapy, and went diving in some of the older piles that hadn’t been disturbed for a few years.  She found a motherlode of old comics that she had shoplifted in the 60s and spent a few hours happily lost in the Silver Age.  Around mid-afternoon, though, an idea that had been quietly simmering on the back burner of her mind went “blup” and started to overflow its pot.  She got up, brushed off the worst of the crumbs and the dustballs, and went out.

She pretty much knew the way to Connie’s house from dropping Steven off there a couple of times on the way somewhere else, and it was easy to get on the bus.  She just got _on_ the bus and rode on the roof.  She was standing on the front walk when it occurred to her that with her usual flair for planning she hadn’t even considered whether anyone would be home.  What day of the week was this again?  And did both Connie’s parents work nights or one day and one night or did they switch around?  Either way, _someone_ was home because she could hear egghead music playing at a volume considerate of the neighbours, but still audible because a window was open for fresh air.  

It was worth a shot, so she marched up to the front door and knocked.  After a moment she heard brisk footsteps approaching and the door was opened by Dr Maheswaran.

“Hello?  Oh,” she said, adjusting her gaze downward.  “It’s… Amethyst, isn’t it?  Connie won’t be home for a while.  She has tennis practice after school today.”

“Uh, I actually came to see you.  Are you busy?”

“Just having a rare quiet day off.  Is… everything all right?”  Dr Maheswaran put her hands on her hips.  “Is there some kind of supernatural trouble?  I have to insist that you don’t ask me to take Connie out of school unless it’s a _real_ emergency.”

“No, it’s really not a Connie thing, it’s a you thing, ‘cause you’re a doctor.  I need to ask you something _professional_ -like.”

“Oh.”  That put her off balance a little bit.  “Well, if you were anyone else I would tell you to go to the hospital, but I suppose… all right.  Come in.”  She stepped back and held the door open.  

“Thanks, Doc.”  Amethyst went in and looked around with interest.  It was a lot tidier than Vidalia’s house, and it smelled like Dr Maheswaran’s idea of relaxing on her day off was to hot-mop the floors.  She and Pearl really were two of a kind.  Actually, it smelled like they used the same floor soap or whatever.

“I tell you what, since you only seem to have a first name, let’s be on first name terms.  Call me Priyanka.  I was just going to make tea; would you like some?”  She led Amethyst to the kitchen and gave her a seat at the table before busying herself with a kettle and a teapot.  Amethyst had never actually seen someone make tea except by putting a teabag in a mug and pouring hot water on it, and it looked like you could add in a lot of extra steps if you wanted to be fancy.  She watched and swung her legs until Priyanka came back with a tray holding the teapot and two cups and saucers.  Those were fancy too, thin china with what looked like hand-painted flowers.  There was a little drift of loose leaves in the bottom of the cup, seen through tea the colour of really dark amber, and it was kind of pretty.  She tried to sip it politely and not slurp, which felt madly fake.

“Well,” said Priyanka, “what did you want to ask me?  I didn’t think you… people needed medical assistance.”

“Well, I don’t.  I’m asking for a friend.  Well, I’m asking for me ‘cause I’m worried about my friend.  It’s more of a mental thing, but doctors do that stuff too, right?

“Oh.  Well, some do.  My speciality is emergency medicine, but tell me about it.  At least I can try to point you in the right direction.”  Priyanka sipped her tea, looking at her enquiringly over the rim of the cup.

“Well, I’m worried about her because she’s in a really bad place and I feel sorry for her but… she’s also kind of a jerk and I don’t understand why she’s being that way.  I don’t think she’s just mean but she says such mean things.  I mean, I’m not dumb, I know people lash out when they’re hurting but… okay, the thing is, she’s had to fight her whole life.  Like a soldier, but I really mean her _whole_ life, from the moment she popped out, because we don’t get to be babies or anything, we just hit the ground running.  And at the same time she popped, there were lots of others but I think most of them didn’t make it.  They were like… disabled.  And she’s seen a lot of other people get… terrible things have happened to them, and the way she talks about them is just so _mean._  I’ve heard her say they deserved it, and she survived because she’s better.  Is there like a _medical_ explanation for someone thinking that way?  Is there something you can do about it?”

“Well, I’m definitely not the right type of doctor for this.  You really want a psychiatrist or a clinical psychologist, preferably with experience in post traumatic stress disorder.  I usually see people when they’ve just _been_ through trauma, and how they live with it in the long term isn’t my department.”

“Oh.  Oh, okay, thank you.  Uh, thanks for the tea.”  Amethyst began to slide down from her chair.

“Wait, I didn’t mean to sound dismissive.”  Priyanka refilled her cup, frowning in concentration.  “I understand if your friend can’t just make an appointment with a therapist.  They tend to expect human clients.  And I understand that you just want to give her the best support you can.  It’s really a disclaimer.  I’m not an expert on the problem.  I will _try_ to help.”  Her frown deepened.  “This isn’t the type of thing you’ll be expecting of Connie, is it?  What your friend went through?”

“No way, absolutely not.  It is _so_ messed up.  It’s hard for me to even get my head around because I grew up here, you know?  I’m a Gem but I don’t know what it’s like to be a _Gem_ Gem, and my friend’s a real hardcore Gem, but it’s made her so unhappy.  I wouldn’t ever want to put Connie through something like that.”

“I guess that’s something.”  Priyanka pushed back her chair.  “This isn’t a tea only conversation.  I need ginger snaps.  Just a minute.”  She went to a cupboard and busied herself arranging ginger snaps on a pretty plate that matched the teacups.   _All that just to eat them and poop them out anyway,_ Amethyst thought.  “Well,” Priyanka said, returning and offering the plate to Amethyst before taking a cookie herself, “I obviously can’t give any sort of diagnosis without even meeting your friend.  All I can do is tell you about some general concepts that I think may apply here.”

“I’ll take anything.  I’m sorry to bug you with this. Normally I’d ask Garnet but… it’s complicated.”  Amethyst popped a ginger snap in her mouth and crunched loudly out of habit, then took an excessively large swig of tea in an effort to cover.

“One thing that a lot of humans, certainly, and I suspect a lot of Gems have difficulty accepting about life is that sometimes terrible things happen for no good reason.  Bad things happen to good people.  I’m just as likely to find myself treating an innocent person who got run over by a drunk driver as a drunk driver who crashed their car.  It only takes a few seconds for something to happen that means life will never be the same.  The uncertainty of that is _scary,_ and people look for ways to make it right in their minds.  A… really a fallacy, I’d call it, that a lot of people turn to for comfort is the just world hypothesis.  That’s the idea that actually life is fair and what happens to people is what they deserve to happen.  If they suffer some misfortune, it has to be because of something they did wrong.  The reason people find this comforting is that if their own lives are safe and secure, it lets them think that they’ve earned that safety and they can be sure of keeping it as long as they keep doing all the right things.”

“Okay, that’s my friend all over,” Amethyst said.  “I don’t know why I keep saying ‘my friend’ like she’s all incognito.  Her name’s Jasper.”

“All right, well, Jasper may be depending on the just world hypothesis in order to feel safer.  The big weakness of that strategy, of course, is that if something bad then happens to you, you have to think it’s your own fault and you deserve it.  It makes it much harder to bear because as well as the suffering of the thing itself you feel guilty and angry with yourself.  It can get self-destructive, to say the least.”

“Man, you said you haven’t met her but it’s like you know her.  You’re a _really_ good doctor,” Amethyst said, impressed.

“It’s just a very common pattern,” Priyanka said, shaking her head.  “I see a lot of it, even among medical professionals who should know better.  We’re supposed to be rational, trained critical thinkers, and we all _know_ from what we see in our work that these things aren’t fair.  Often people get sick or hurt as a direct consequence of things they’ve done, obviously, but then there are all the victims of circumstance.  It’s still easy to end up leaning on the idea that because _you’re_ smarter and more careful, that won’t happen to you.  I used to think I was immune to that sort of fallacy until I realised how much I was applying it to Connie’s life.  Well, you understand, don’t you, since you’re in loco parentis to Steven?”  She looked to Amethyst, who was wondering if she was being called a crazy parent.  “His safety and well-being are at the centre of your life, aren’t they?  If any serious harm ever came to him it would break your heart.”

“Oh, hell yes.”

“I managed to convince myself that as long as we did everything right, and _she_ did everything right, and I kept tabs on absolutely everything in her life, there would be no room for anything to go wrong.  She’d be healthy and hard-working and well-adjusted and above all, _safe,_ and I could feel safely superior to all the other parents whose children struggled or got into trouble.  Of course it was an illusion.  I had to see her fighting a _headless monster,_ of all things, to really understand that.  I am _trying_ to break those habits.  You get the benefit of my recent soul-searching,” she said with a self-deprecating little laugh.

“So does Jasper just need to understand that life isn’t fair?” Amethyst asked, crinkling her nose in confusion.  “It doesn’t seem as simple as that.”

“No, I don’t think it is.  When a person survives something that a lot of people around them didn’t, like a natural disaster or a battle, they’re often staggered by the sheer scale of the unfairness.  The reaction can become something we call survivor’s guilt.  They feel that because the others clearly didn’t deserve to die like that, they, who survived, don’t really deserve to live.  I said I don’t deal with how people live with trauma in the long term, but it’s not entirely true.  I tend to see the ones who can’t cope with it again, further down the line.  With survivor’s guilt you see a lot of reckless behaviour, sort of daring death to finish the job, come back and pick up the one it missed, or substance abuse in an effort to self-medicate and numb the emotional pain, or of course active, deliberate self-harm.  I can really only help them with the physical harm and try to refer them to someone who can deal with the rest.”

“That isn’t so much like Jasper,” Amethyst said, catching ginger snap crumbs on the table by pressing her forefinger down on them and quickly bringing them to her mouth.  “Kind of the opposite.”

“Exactly.  Some people go in the opposite direction and double down on the just world hypothesis, because the alternative they see, the survivor’s guilt, is too terrifying.  It seems to be very, very difficult for a lot of people in that situation to find the way in between the two extremes, and to accept that what happened wasn’t because of anyone deserving to live or die.  In fact, everyone concerned deserved to live.  It’s not either/or.  In that opposite situation, the survivor’s guilt tends to still be there, but buried under the justifications.  The only thing that can really bring about healing for that is to honestly face those feelings.  Mourning for the people who died can help; coming up with some positive or creative way to honour their memory.  Of course, some people come out of an experience like that with a greater appreciation for the life they have; some people are just lucky enough to be more naturally resilient.”  Priyanka refilled both their cups, emptying the teapot.  “It may sound bizarre to need to forgive yourself for surviving, but that really is what a lot of these people need to do.”

“I don’t know if I can get Jasper to forgive herself,” Amethyst said, daunted by the prospect.  She wasn’t sure there was enough forgiveness in the world for a self-declared monster.

“Well, listen,” Priyanka said, leaning over and giving her hand an awkward pat.  “It’s not up to you to do that.  It’s wonderful that you want to help your friend and understand her problems, she’s very lucky to have you on her side, but it doesn’t make you responsible for her recovery.  If she doesn’t get better, it’s not because you’re not doing enough or doing something wrong.  It’s because you can _help_ but you can’t reach in and _fix_ things.  And _that_ is one of the hardest things for many doctors to accept.”

“But she has to get better,” Amethyst said in dismay.  “I mean, I can see how great life could be if she could just - there’s so much more to her than she thinks.  And she’s always either like _oh I survived because I’m better, I’m perfect, everyone else sucks,_ or else _I’m a failure, I’m useless, I’m empty, I can’t change…_ If she just feels like that forever that’s the most depressing thing ever.”

“I wish I could tell you to just do A, B and C and she’ll be all better for sure.  I’m sorry it’s not like that.  If you _can_ arrange for her to see a competent therapist that would help an awful lot.”

“That’s really not gonna happen.  Whole lot of weird alien reasons why not.  All she’s really got is me and Steven, and I’m kinda trying to take the brunt of it because he’s dealing with so much already, and he’s still a kid, and plus she has some _really_ weird issues about him and his mom and I don’t want her to take it out on him… and she’s just special to me.  Like a sister.”  She hunched down in her chair, wishing now that she’d never brought it up if it was only going to be so discouraging.

“Well, then stick with her.  Encourage her and give her your time and affection.  Like I said, try to get her to do something positive or creative, something she can take pride in.  If she doesn’t want to, be patient and try again later.  And when you don’t know what to do next or you need to tell someone that she’s being ungrateful and unreasonable and it feels like she doesn’t _want_ to get better, come back and talk to me, and I’ll try to help.  All right?” Priyanka asked briskly.

“Are you sure?  That sounds like a real pain in the butt for you.”

“Call it pro bono work.  Or call it gratitude to someone who’s been kind to my daughter.  Or, of course, call it enlightened self-interest, trying to help the magical aliens who apparently protect the Earth from neverending cosmic threat.”

“Oh, yeah.  Now I get it.”


	7. Chapter 7

_ Jaspers never give up.  We keep going until we get what we want.  Except I don’t know what I want, but I seem to keep going anyway. _

Maybe a little bit of it was because she just got restless.  She had been made to have stamina and a lot of powerful energy.  It felt as if most of that was gone, in fact most of the time it felt as if it was all gone, but every now and then in the long formless times between Amethyst’s visits something stubborn and irritable would prod her into motion.

Amethyst had talked about mastering basics and shapes.  She could do a sphere now; next she tackled a cube.  There was something comfortingly mindless about the repetition, trying again and again until she had to stop for a rest, then as soon as she felt able, trying once more.  After getting her mind right to form a sphere the flat surfaces and right angles of a cube meant she had to rethink everything from the beginning.  It was something to do.  She didn’t think it was quite perfect yet and it didn’t offer the dubious pleasures of bouncing that the sphere shape did but at least it was conceivably possible to  _ make _ it perfect.  Each side exactly the same length, each angle ninety degrees, no room for misunderstandings or errors.  Frankly, she needed that.

Bouncing was beneath her dignity, anyway.

She couldn’t sustain doing that all the time, even with breaks; or at least, there had to be longer breaks in which she gathered her strength in the default form that took no conscious effort.  She was always sweating and shaking when she returned to it, in a mess she wouldn’t have wanted anyone to see.  Well, Amethyst had already seen it, but Amethyst didn’t count.  

When the sweat had dried and the shaking had subsided, she crawled around gathering up the markers that always ended up scattered.  She added crowds of watermelon people around her drawing of Malachite, waving their stubby little arms in praise.  She didn’t really understand why Lapis had felt the need to eat them.  It was something to do with Steven - she had heard the name Steven from Lapis more than from anyone, and she  _ still _ hadn’t understood the Rose Quartz connection, because evidently she was far stupider than she’d ever suspected.  Brute  _ meant _ stupid; she was at least bright enough to know the root of the word.

Did Lapis actually want to  _ eat Steven? _  That was a weird thought, and she paused in colouring in light and dark green stripes.  She wouldn’t be able to do it in her standard form, that was for sure, so presumably Steven was at no current risk of being devoured.  On the other hand, maybe she’d choose someone else to fuse with, someone she didn’t despise and  _ wanted _ to work with, and they’d eat him together.  Maybe Peridot, she’d turned out to have the killer instinct.

It had been such a mistake to think about Lapis and fusion.  Now she was equal parts sick with misery at the rejection and furious with Lapis for thinking she was too good for her.   _ Well, I’m not good enough for  _ her.   _ If there was anything about me that could make someone want to stay with me, she couldn’t have just thrown me away like that.  I know she’s a monster but she knows I’m nothing.  The only person who cares about me now is a defective, overcooked runt who makes stupid jokes and sniffs markers and having someone like  _ that _ care about you is almost more insulting than having nobody at all. _

And then she felt  _ guilty _ about thinking badly of Amethyst.  She’d tried so hard to  _ show _ Amethyst what was wrong with her so she would reject her too, as she should, and she had just stayed.  She’d hugged her.  Jasper had ended up hugging her back.  Arms around you definitely felt better than chains, even if they were stubby little arms that didn’t meet at the back.

 

Amethyst clambered into the exit hole, calling out, “Yoo-hoo.  Anyone home?”

She was a little startled to find Jasper sitting relatively near the opening instead of lurking in the depths.  She had her back to the wall, her knees up and her elbows resting on them, twiddling a marker between her fingers as she stared at the opposite wall.

“You really think that’s funny?” she asked.

“Well, maybe  _ one _ day I’ll stop by and find you’ve run out to the store.”

“With this?” Jasper asked, lifting her chain with one hand.

“Yeah, that one fell flat, sorry.  Sometimes I talk before I think.”  Amethyst sat down beside her and took a look at the wall that had her attention.  “Oh, wow.”  Jasper had drawn  _ her _ , with her whip raised over her head, with a much bigger purple outline behind her.  She was a few feet away from the Pink Diamond picture, so it didn’t look like they were  _ together,  _ but they were on the same wall.  Coming from Jasper that seemed like a gigantic compliment.

“Sorry it’s so bad,” Jasper said.  “First I was going to draw you how you should’ve looked.  I did the outline and then I thought no, that’s just mean.  Why rub her nose in it any more?  I tried to rub it out but the ink was nearly dry and it wouldn’t come off.”  She raised her hand to show a large smudge of purple along its side.

“It’s not that bad.  I like how wild you did my hair.  Why’d you draw me in the first place?”

“I get really bored and I haven’t seen anyone else in a long time so I don’t have a great choice of models.”

“How long do you think it’s been?”

“I can’t tell.  I know it’s an eternity between visits.”

“Dude.  It’s every two days.  I’d make it every day but it takes a lot out of Steven and I don’t wanna stunt his growth.  Well, any more than it already is.  If you wanna see someone else I can call him in.  He’s just sitting out there with a Rubik’s cube.  He must be bored to death but he keeps coming ‘cause he cares about you too.”

“Does he think he’s my sister too?”

“No, he’d be your little brother.  You’d be his big sister.  It’d be cute.”

“Speaking of a cube, I can do that too now.”

“Really?  That’s awesome!  Show me!”

Jasper cleared her throat, closed her eyes and glowed brightly and briefly, morphing into a pretty decent cube.  Her corners were a little rounded, but rounded corners were cuter than pointy ones in Amethyst’s opinion.

“Fantastic!”  Amethyst copied her.  “Now we’re twins!”

“What are twins?”

“Like sisters but we’d be the same age and look the same.”

“You’re still smaller than me and purple, you know.”

“Okay, I’m your grape-flavour mini-twin.  Still counts.”  Amethyst rounded herself off to a ball and then back to her usual form, Jasper following her movements more slowly.  “Man, it’s good to see you doing something for yourself.  I worry about you just lying around in here feeling bummed.  Go Jasper.”  She grinned up at her.

“I should see him, shouldn’t I?” Jasper asked abruptly.

“See…  Oh, Steven?  You don’t have to.  You don’t look like you want to.”

“No, I think I do have to.  I ought to face him.”

“If you try to fight him -” Amethyst began.

“I don’t want to fight him.  Not personally, anyway.”

“Really? Why not?”

“He just doesn’t seem that important any more,” Jasper said, shrugging.

“No, I’m pretty sure Steven’s important.  Still not someone you should fight, because he’s a nice kid and he doesn’t deserve it.”  Maybe pointing out people  _ not _ deserving bad things would be a helpful thing for Jasper to hear.

“He isn’t Rose Quartz, though, you were so insistent about that.”

“No, but he’s like the sequel.  It’s up to him to finish the things she couldn’t do.  She told me - I mean, I  _ really _ didn’t want to talk about it, I was too mad and hurt that she’d leave us, I didn’t even wanna think about it, but the one time we did talk about it a little bit she said that she thought she’d come up against the limits of what a Gem could do and she believed a kid who was a Gem and a human too could go that much further and really do right by the Earth.”  Amethyst sighed.  “I wish I hadn’t wasted so much time being mad at her.  I think she  _ wanted _ to tell me things and before too much longer she was gone.”

“Taking any answers or explanations with her,” Jasper said.

“Try not to be all bitter about it, she was trying to do the right thing.  I’m not saying she  _ did _ everything right but I do really believe she was always  _ trying.” _

“Well, I think it’s the right thing for me to see him.  I’ve never looked him in the eye knowing who  _ he  _ is, I always thought I was looking at someone else.”

“Okay,” said Amethyst.  She wasn’t sure this was a good idea at all, it felt way too soon, but it wasn’t as if anyone could really get hurt, as far as she knew.  “Well, I’ll go get him.”

“Wait a moment, let me get my face on.”  Jasper shut her eyes for a moment, concentrating, and a subtle shift came over her face.

“Eyeliner?  You wanna look pretty for him?”  That seemed weird.  

“It’s just what I do.  I feel more confident like this.  Pink Diamond said part of the thing about Quartz soldiers is that it’s not just the way we fight, it’s the way we look.  As soon as our enemies see us, they start feeling that it’s wrong to be standing against something so powerful and beautiful.  Awe is one of our weapons.  So you emphasise your best features, and on me I think that’s my eyes.”

“One, Steven’s not your enemy.  Two, yeah, your eyes are really pretty, you’re a total glamazon.  Three, I thought you said you didn’t shapeshift all the time.”

“Surfaces are different from whole forms.”

“I guess.”

“You could do it too.  You have more challenging material to work with, of -”

“Okay, stop, don’t wanna go there.  I’m not a make-up gal.  It’s great for people who like it but I’m not one of ‘em.”

“Okay,” Jasper said, looking very mildly disappointed, as if she’d been looking forward to a makeover montage.  It almost made Amethyst want to give in, if it was something she was actually enthusiastic about, but there was just way too much room for disappointment and humiliation in the idea, especially looking the way she currently did.  Her hair was good for hiding the gimpy eye; she didn’t want to highlight it.

“Besides, there’s a saying about lipstick on a pig - anyway, that’s not the point.  You look great, I’ll go get Steven.”  She hurried away and vaulted down from the edge of the hole, hearing Jasper muttering behind her, “What’s a  _ pig?” _

Steven had given up on his Rubik’s cube and was lying on his back shovelling sand over his tummy with both arms.

“Oh, hey Amethyst,” he said, looking up at her approach.  “Is everything okay?  You don’t usually come back out before I wake up.”

“Yeah, I’m good.  Don’t freak out or anything, but Jasper says she wants to see you.”

“See me?”  He sat up, sand cascading off him.  “What for?”

“I think she just wants to  _ meet  _ you.  Like knowing it’s you, not thinking it’s your mom.  Don’t worry,” she added, holding out her hand to pull him to his feet, “if she cuts up rough I’ll step on her chain.”

“Okay, hold on, I’ve got sand in my pants.  I’ve got sand  _ everywhere. _  Burying myself was a bad idea.”  He was hopping around trying to shake it all loose.  “Whoo!  Now I’m nervous.  But at least I’m nervous without sand down my butt.”

He followed her to the cave mouth - she was thinking of it as a cave more and more, especially since it got so big - and she gave him a boost up before quickly scrambling up there herself.  He was standing very still looking at Jasper, who was sitting a little way further back than before, cross-legged.  She’d brought the lantern over and set it just in front of her so that her face was illuminated from below.   _ Drama queen, _ Amethyst thought.  It was actually kind of funny, even if it was clearly intimidating Steven like it was supposed to.  She was starting to think Jasper would never just  _ do _ something if she could  _ over _ do it.

“Okay!” she said briskly.  “I think it’s time for reintroductions and first impression do-overs!  Steeeeeven Universe, may I present Jasper of the Beta Kindergarten, the Quartz that Could, Miss Perfect Exit Hole herself?  And Jasper, this is Steven Quartz Universe, he’s half human, half Gem, he’s fourteen, he likes music, video games and weird cartoons about crying food.  You guys should get to know each other!”

Jasper was glowering at her.  “Don’t introduce me like that.  Half of it’s not true.  It just sounds like you’re making fun of me.”

“Oh.  Sorry, I thought you’d like it if I talked you up a little.”

“Not about those things.  Not that there’s anything else.”

“I don’t know,” Steven said brightly, “she could say this is Jasper, she’s an artist.  I like your cave paintings!  They’re kinda Cro-Magnon.”

Jasper looked at him stonily.  It wasn’t really a glower any more but she didn’t exactly look friendly.  “Steven,” she said.  “I understand now that you’re not Rose Quartz.  I feel… stupid about the things I kept saying to you thinking that you were.  I apologise for that.  And I don’t hold you responsible for her crimes.  But,” and she paused to draw a deep breath, “I want to know.  Did you take Lapis away from me on purpose?”

“No,” he said, shaking his head.  “No, she made up her own mind.”

“I suppose I didn’t need your help to lose her.  But you did separate us, didn’t you?  After we broke apart and I was unconscious.  You took her away and dumped me in the sea.”

“That part wasn’t on purpose,” Amethyst interrupted.  “The ground was breaking up and you slid away and fell down a crack.  Pearl tried to  _ catch _ you.  I mean, it’s probably a good thing she couldn’t grab you because she’s like a twig and she’d’ve just gone over the side with you, but we didn’t just ditch you.  We lost you.”

“Right,” said Jasper.  “I’m sure you would have taken me home to your base and made me  _ very _ welcome.”

“Well, we might’ve had to tie you up a little but… okay that just sounds bad.  Hey!  You put Steven and Ruby and Sapphire in  _ cells.” _

“Exactly, just don’t pretend you’d be any nicer than me,” Jasper said, folding her arms.

“Look,” said Steven, “yes, we  _ would _ have separated you, even if we’d got you home.  And you  _ know _ why.  Lapis doesn’t want to be around you and - and honestly I think you’d be better off too.  It sounds like - Lapis is my friend and I don’t want to think bad things about her but I think she really hurt you, didn’t she?  Why do you want to go back to that?  Do you really think you  _ deserve _ that?”

“What I  _ deserve _ isn’t the point.  It’s what I had to  _ do. _  She was my best chance to beat you… and I thought we were on the same side, or at least had a common enemy.”  Jasper stopped, her jaw working, and after a moment rushed on.  “I don’t know why I should  _ warn _ you but you have to know you can’t trust her.  Are you so sure she’s your friend?  She was pretty keen to fight the Crystal Gems.  That was the only thing I said that won her over, the only thing she’d keep tolerating  _ me _ for.  If you look at how much she despises me, doesn’t that tell you how much she must hate  _ you?” _

“She - she was upset.  Sometimes Lapis gets upset and she does things she doesn’t mean,” Steven faltered.

“She means them when she does them,” Jasper said flatly.  

“She’s my  _ friend.   _ She wants to protect me.”

“She especially likes protecting you when it gives her a chance to punish me, doesn’t she?  I’m not telling you this to be  _ mean,” _ Jasper said, with tremendous sarcastic emphasis.  “I’m just giving you fair warning, which I’d  _ want _ if I were you.”

“Jasper, you’re upsetting him,” Amethyst said, her voice tight.  “I know you’re trying to help but I want you to  _ stop.” _

Jasper shot her a mutinous look but actually listened to her.  That was impressive.

“I know,” Steven said, a little shakily, “that Lapis doesn’t hate me.  I know this is really complicated.  I know there’s stuff I don’t understand between the two of you, and I know it wasn’t all your fault.  And I accept your apology for what you said to me, but you still owe one to Amethyst.”

“That’s okay,” Amethyst said quickly, “we’re cool now.  Right, Jasper?”  She gave Jasper a friendly slug on the arm with a weak laugh.

“It’s not okay, she was horrible to you.  Have you said you’re sorry?” he asked Jasper.  “Because you should be.  Amethyst is brave and kind and a really great friend, and if you couldn’t see that then you should be able to now.”

Amethyst braced herself for another Jasper rant about just telling the  _ truth,  _ but it didn’t come.  Jasper slid a sidelong glance at her, looked away again, and then said rapidly and low, “I’m sorry I was so hard on you.  I went too far.  I wanted… I wanted a total crushing victory so I could tell myself I was still the great warrior I was hyped up to be.  Some great warrior, trying to recover her pride by taking cheap shots at a smaller opponent.  Wasn’t honourable.  Sorry.”

“Okay,” said Amethyst, partly mortified and partly relieved.  “Thanks.  We’re good.”  Honestly, she was satisfied with Jasper just  _ not _ tearing verbal strips off her.  Steven was giving her a worried look and she gave him a big grin to get him to drop it already.

“Good,” Steven said.  “And Jasper, there’s something else you should know.  You said Lapis despised you and I really don’t think she does.  She feels bad about how she treated you.  She even said once she missed you.”

“I don’t believe you,” Jasper said.  “I don’t believe you for a second.  You saw how she looked at me, you saw how disgusted she was, you saw her  _ hit _ me - Amethyst, you like terrible jokes!  That’s a good one, isn’t it?  She didn’t  _ miss _ me, she _ hit _ me.  She punched me clean over the horizon, so don’t - don’t tell me -”  She was leaning forward, looming over Steven, jabbing her forefinger at his face and Amethyst was starting to think she’d have to get between them, or open an umbrella or something because Jasper was getting spitty with emotion.

“She only did that because you were attacking me!” Steven shouted.

“Oh, as if she couldn’t immobilise me?  She’s  _ real _ good at immobilising me, believe me!  We were totally surrounded by water!  She had a choice and she chose the way that would  _ hurt  _ me!”  Jasper’s voice broke on the last words, and she sat back heavily, covering her eyes with one hand, her other arm gripping around her own waist over the chain.  For a few seconds the only sound in the cave was her gusty breathing; Amethyst recognised the sound of fighting with all her strength not to cry.  She exchanged troubled glances with Steven.  

“Maybe she just panicked,” Steven said faintly.  She could hear the crumbling conviction under the words.  He sighed.  “I’m sorry, Jasper.  I - I don’t know what to say.  I don’t know what to think about all of this.  I don’t want you to be hurt, you don’t deserve that.”

Jasper made a sharp sound in between a sob and a laugh.

“Yeah,” said Amethyst, “but you know she feels like she does, right?”

“I’m really sorry, I thought telling you she missed you could make you feel better.  Please don’t cry.  Uh, look, presto dreamo!”  He scrunched up his face in concentration and a huge box of tissues popped into existence in Jasper’s lap.  That startled her out of crying, anyway.  She took her hand from her face and Amethyst noticed the eyeliner was gone - not cried off or rubbed off, just gone as if she hadn’t been able to maintain it any more.

“What is this?” she asked, her voice wobbling.

“They’re soft paper thingies for wiping your eyes and blowing your nose,” he said.  “Well, wiping your eyes.  I guess your nose doesn’t need blowing.  They came out bigger than I meant.  You - uh, here, you pull one out.”  He leant in, gingerly, pulled a tissue from the box and offered it to her.  “And then you use it like a handkerchief but you can throw it away when you’re done.”

“I don’t need it,” Jasper said sullenly.  “I’m not crying.”

“Okay.  But you know, they’re good to have around - in case guests come over?  Uh.”  She’d snatched the tissue from his hand and crumpled it in her own before wiping briskly under her eyes.

“I was sweaty,” she said, dropping the tissue on the floor, and glared at them both like she dared them to comment.

“Oh, it’s warm in here,” Steven said, nodding quickly.

“Stinkin’ hot,” Amethyst agreed.  “Smells like a gym for bears.”  Jasper looked daggers at her but seemed to have relaxed a bit.

“And you don’t,” Steven said.  “Deserve it, I mean.  Please stop telling yourself that.”

“I brought it all on myself, so leave me alone.”

“I don’t want to.  I really want to help.”

“It doesn’t matter what you do to ‘help,’ I will  _ never _ fight for you.  Just accept that and we can cut all this short.”

“That’s okay, I wouldn’t ask you to fight for me if you don’t want to.  You don’t have to do anything you don’t  _ want _ to.”

“Then you don’t even want me for that?” Jasper asked, looking baffled for a moment before her frown closed in again.  “I’m so worthless and broken-down now that even  _ you _ don’t want me.”

“No, you big doofus!” Amethyst exclaimed.  “We’d  _ love _ to have you on our team when you’re feeling better, but only if  _ you _ wanna be there.”

“If you’d rather be by yourself we can find you a nice place and then you can be,” Steven said.  “If we can just be sure you’re not going to keep attacking us, we’re happy to let you do your thing, whatever that thing may be.  That’s sort of the whole  _ point _ of what we’ve got here.  You can choose what you want to do, and as long as you’re not hurting anyone, you’re free to do it.”

“But,” Amethyst said quickly, because she could  _ see _ Jasper turning this around in her mind to mean she’d be cut loose to be alone forever, “you can still hang with us if you don’t want to fight for us.  Just be our friend.  Our big sis, you know?  We can do whatever.  Shapeshift, play games, draw on the walls, maybe not where Pearl can see us because she’d flip her wig… don’t worry about that, in  _ my _ room you can draw on all the walls you want.  We’ll talk Lion into taking us to the moon and you can see that mural I told you about.  You like the ocean?  We live on the beach, we can go swimming every day.  You wanna fly?  There’s a cliff right above our house, till you get the whole bird shapeshifting thing down, we can rent you a hang-glider or something.  Pearl’ll build you a flipping jetpack, I don’t know.  You can do stuff that makes you happy.  You deserve a chance to do stuff that makes you happy.”  She grabbed hold of Jasper’s hand, resting on her knee, and shook it for emphasis.  “I’m telling you the truth, okay?  I’m being  _ extra _ real.”

“I wouldn’t have any purpose,” Jasper said, with a very small tremor in her voice.  “I wouldn’t be serving anything higher than myself.  You’re telling me to be totally selfish.”

“No, aargh.  Do you know you do this thing where you think everything is totally one thing or totally the opposite?  Perfect or worthless, service-service-service or totally selfish?  You miss out everything in between, and that’s a lot.  Taking care of yourself is not being selfish.”

“And enjoying your life is part of  _ everyone’s _ purpose,” added Steven.

Jasper looked at them as if they both made her very nervous.  She looked tempted but scared, and Amethyst could feel that the palm of her hand was clammy.  Her other hand was still clutching at the chain around her waist, her fingers tightening so that the links clinked together.

“You don’t have to decide anything right now,” she said, giving a gentle squeeze.  “Just think about it.  You’ve got options, that’s all.”

Jasper still looked unsure, and Amethyst’s vision was beginning to blink and flicker.

“Aw, man, of all the times,” Steven said.  “We’ll come back, Jasper, we promise.”

“Bye, sis,” Amethyst said, before they blinked out.


	8. Chapter 8

Amethyst was lying on the kitchen counter wondering what to do with her day, since the only thing she could really think about was getting back to Jasper and that wasn’t an option till tomorrow, when Pearl popped onto the warp pad and bustled off it with a basket full of freshly dried laundry.

“You could help me with these chores!” she said brightly when she saw Amethyst, as if that had ever worked.

“Already on it.  I’m cleaning.”  Amethyst shapeshifted into a cat and licked her hind leg.

Pearl wrinkled her nose but forebore comment.  She sat down on the couch, set the basket beside her and began neatly, crisply folding teeshirts, humming quietly.  Amethyst closed her eyes and listened.  She’d always liked Pearl’s hum.  For such a nervous person she could emit some very soothing sounds.  Pearl’s hum was like the sunshine on your face on the first warm day of spring.  Well, that was a mushy thought.  She wanted to say something nice to her now, but if she suddenly busted out something about spring sunshine Pearl would think she’d gone all frou-frou.  Also, if she talked, wouldn’t Pearl stop humming?

She had just stopped anyway.  “Amethyst,” she said, “this is going to sound like a strange question but I’m just going to ask.  Why have you been sleeping in Steven’s bed with him?  It seems to be every other night.”

“Oh,” Amethyst said, opening her eyes.

“Is he all right?” Pearl asked.  “He’s been through such a lot lately.  Is he having trouble sleeping?”

“Oh no, no.”  Well, time to lie to Pearl, or at least to tell her only the edited version.  At least it wasn’t Garnet; she sucked at lying to Garnet.  “No problem  _ sleeping,  _ he’s out like a light.  We’re working on his dream powers.  I’m good at sleeping too - I mean it’s practically one of  _ my  _ powers - so I go with him.  You know, I’m like his spotter.  We do stuff like, in dreams he can make things appear - a lot like what Rose set up in her room.  It’s pretty cool.”

“Well, what a relief,” said Pearl, resuming her folding.

“Yeah?”

“I wouldn’t want him to keep doing that sort of thing unaccompanied, but I’m sure you’ll keep an eye on him.  It’s - not something I’d do well, dreaming makes me uncomfortable.”

“It  _ is _ kind of a mixed bag.”  She lay on the counter, still cat-shaped, feeling that she was getting away with something and uncharacteristically guilty about that.  Pearl was humming again, and she’d only just recognised that it was a kind of mellow rearrangement of one of the Mike Krol songs from the legendary night out.  Her feelings were all rumpled up now.  Pearl had just showed so much trust in her, as if it wasn’t a big deal at all, and she wanted to say  _ something,  _ something to say “I’m happy you believe in me and I believe in you too,” without having to actually  _ say _ it.  That girl’s phone number was still magneted onto the fridge.  She could ask if Pearl was still planning to call it, encourage her to go for it.  She shrank back from that, though.  It felt even shadier when she’d just misled Pearl to ask her to talk about something really personal.

She jumped down from the counter and padded over to Pearl and gently head-butted her leg.  Cat body language was better for some things.  Pearl looked down with mild surprise and reached out to pet behind her ears.  Amethyst gave her a brief chirrup of a purr and another firm push with her head.  Cats could also leave as soon as they felt awkward, so she said, “I’m going out” and headed for the door.

She changed back on the way down the steps from the deck, her footsteps getting heavier.  She’d always considered it totally justifiable to lie to Pearl if it meant you could do something fun she would disapprove of, but it wasn’t as if visiting Jasper was unadulterated fun.  There were fun  _ moments. _  Being bouncy balls had been good, but there was way more stressful stuff.   _ And if all this works, if we can get her back to normal or as normal as she gets, we’ll still have to tell them the truth then.  Hey, G and P!  We’ve been sneaking behind your back to go hang out with someone you hate.  Do they hate her?  They sure don’t like her.  I mean, Garnet must, right?  After she split her up like that?  Ruby especially must have been so mad.  That’s kind of funny, the people who love Jasper the most and the person who’d most like to kick her ass are all Rubies.  Is it ironic or only Alanis Morisette ironic? _

She scuffed through the sand, not really knowing where she’d go but heading vaguely townward.   _ And Pearl, Pearl’s just going to look at Jasper and see A) big, B) mean, C) HURT MY BABY.  None of which is  _ not true,  _ that’s the problem.   _

“Amethyyyyyyyst!”  Someone was calling her name back at the house.  The screen door slammed and she turned around to look.  Peridot was running across the deck and down the steps; she must have come in by the warp pad.  She stopped at the bottom of the steps, waved both arms over her head and yelled “AMETHYST!” again just in case the first time didn’t take.  Amethyst raised one hand and waved back, puzzled.  Peridot came running over, kicking up the sand, and stopped just in front of her to lean with her hands on her knees and catch her breath.  She had a plastic bag dangling from one arm with what looked like books in it, and a new bow tie made out of what looked like an old typewriter ribbon.  It was leaving black smudges around her neck.  She lifted her head and grinned.

“What’s with you and bows lately?” Amethyst asked, reaching out to flick at the end of the ribbon.  

“I just like them.  They’re my own inimitable style!  I’m glad I caught you, Pearl said I still could if I ran.  First order of business!”  She held out the plastic bag.  “Lapis says thank you for the comics and she hopes she can borrow the next one after you read it.”

“Oh, no probs.  Tell her sure.”  Amethyst took the bag.  “I don’t think it’s out till next month though.”

“That’s okay, it’ll be something to look forward to.  Second order of business!”  Peridot beamed at her.  “You are invited to join us for tonight’s special viewing of the unaired _Camp Pining Hearts_ pilot that I just found out existed!  It’s a real rarity.  Then we’re going to have an exhaustive discussion of the paths not taken and our current plotbunnies, _then_ we’re going firefly catching out behind the barn.  If the fireflies co-operate.  We’ve had lots the last couple of nights and they’re beautiful.  Will you come?”

“Well, uh, I never really got into  _ Camp Pining Hearts. _  I like comedy more.”

“Oh!  Then bring one of  _ your _ favourite shows and we’ll watch it after instead of the exhaustive discussion!  I didn’t really want to hear about her dystopian mermaid AU again anyway, it’s so bleak.  It’ll be like a cultural exchange, and I’d love to see something you picked out.”

“Are you sure?” Amethyst asked.

“Of course.  You have  _ ex _ quisite taste.  You’re friends with me, after all.  Will you come?  Please?”

“Uh, sure.  Thanks.”  She was a little nonplussed by all the enthusiasm but she forced a grin.  “Hope you like  _ Li’l Butler.” _

“I have no idea what that is!” Peridot said gleefully.

“Okay.  Uh, see you tonight, then.”

“Oh, I don’t have to go yet.  Actually Lapis threw me out for a few hours.  She’s got some secret project on the go and wants to commune with it undisturbed.  What are you doing?”

“Just going into town, I guess.”

Peridot’s shoulders sagged.  “Amethyst, you seem subdued.  Are you subdued?  Did someone subdue you?”

“What?  No, I’m fine!”

“Is it…” Peridot fidgeted with her tie, getting her fingers inky.  “Have I done something wrong?”

“Of course not.”  Amethyst tried to laugh.

“I keep worrying about what happened with Jasper.  I wanted so much to make you feel better, and then things took such an unexpected turn, and  _ then _ I thought - I don’t know - I thought we faced danger together and we’d be closer, but I guess maybe that only worked for you and Steven.”  Before Amethyst could come up with any reply to that Peridot ploughed on.  “Like when Percy got cornered by the bear that was attracted to the improperly secured garbage cans and Pierre, realising that even his mighty strength wasn’t equal to this opponent, cunningly distracted it by throwing stones until Percy could climb to safety!  And they hugged!  And I hoped that - I don’t know, I sort of thought that defeating Jasper like that,  _ for you,  _ would make you happy.  But lately you haven’t seemed very happy at all.  Did  _ you _ need to defeat her to feel satisfied?  Did I take that away from you?  Is it like” - she pointed to the bag of books - “in there, when Asami wanted to give Hana’s confidence a boost so she let her win the chignon challenge but when Hana found out she threw the match she was hurt and angry, and Sakura-senpai had to explain to Asami how Hana needed to gain confidence from overcoming challenges for real and it wasn’t really helping her to try to make it easy for her?”

“I had no idea you were thinking all that stuff,” Amethyst said, bewildered.  This was a complete flip from her assumption that Peridot was thinking less and less about her these days and she was so startled she didn’t really know what to do with it yet.  “I didn’t know you read  _ Pretty Hairstylist _ too,” she said, as if that were on topic at all.

“Well, of course I did,  _ you _ lent it to us.  Was that all right or did you just mean it for her?”

“Nah, it’s all good.  Honestly, Steven just said hey, I’m taking some stuff round to Peridot and Lapis, do you wanna lend them any books or games?  It wasn’t a big thing.”

“Oh.  Good!  We do share most things these days.”  Peridot was still twiddling the tie around.  “Amethyst?  You didn’t really answer my questions.  I know there were several in succession so I can restate them if you like.”

“No, that’s okay.  Uh, uhh, the ones about Jasper?  Everything kind of changed when I realised how miserable she was.  I don’t need to defeat her.  But what you did was brave and pretty studly, so thanks.”  She gave Peridot a gentle bop on the shoulder.

“Well!  Iiii - guess I put her out of her misery, then?  Still good, right?”

_ Nah, she’s still miserable. _  “I wanted to ask  _ you. _  Like, how well did you know Jasper before you got here?  What do you think she’s really like?”

“Ugh, Jasper is  _ exhausting,” _ Peridot said, flopping her head and shoulders forward.  “Just the contant need for  _ attention _ and  _ validation _ and she has  _ no _ volume control and  _ everything _ is urgent.  I can’t say I knew her well, other than having heard of her because she’s the propaganda darling of Homeworld, but I got a pretty strong impression of her personality on the ship coming out.  Do you remember that cape she was wearing when we got here?”

“Uh, yeah,” said Amethyst.

“That was one of  _ twenty _ that she tried and discarded and I had to give her feedback on how  _ every one _ made her look.  She had to look  _ perfect,  _ just in  _ case _ Rose Quartz was still around to be fabulously intimidated _. _  After four or so I just gave them all eight out of ten but then she got mad at me for not taking it seriously and  _ pouted _ about it for hours.  And she kept trying to impress me with stories and I was just thinking, oh please, no competent Kindergartener would take you seriously.  You’re fine for the general public because you  _ look _ good, but I know where you’re from, you big sandy rush job.”

“Well, you were kind of wrong about that,” Amethyst pointed out.  “Perfect exit hole and frictional rock melt and all that biz.”

“Was I, though?  She sure fell apart in the end.   _ You _ didn’t.  Not to take away from your own efforts, but the proper growth matrix really makes a difference!”

“What makes the  _ difference _ is that I had people who loved me.”  She hadn’t meant to speak that sharply to Peridot, but the Jasper-bashing was getting to her.

Peridot gave a puzzled laugh.  “Everyone loves Jasper.  Or even if you don’t she’s shoved down your throat anyway.”

“Who are her friends?”

“I don’t know!  I assume other Quartzes.  I don’t blame you for not knowing, but Homeworld society is very stratified.  Different types of Gem will work together on tasks that call for our different specialised abilities, but we don’t live together or  _ socialise.” _  The last word was a scoff, and Peridot seemed to realise belatedly how she sounded.  “And it’s different here, and I can see the value in that!  I’m so glad I get to know you and Steven and everyone.  I think a lot of Gems would like this way of life if they tried it.  It’s just totally different from what we’re used to.”

“I don’t think she had anyone,” Amethyst said, shaking her head.  “Not anyone she could really feel close to, not anyone who understood about where she was from.”

“Well, the rate of attrition from Beta was fairly dismal,” Peridot said thoughtfully.  “It  _ is _ where a lot of the raw material from the Cluster came from; they didn’t have to go far to gather a lot of shards.”

“The Cluster is made of Jasper’s  _ sisters?” _ Amethyst exclaimed, and just as quickly felt ashamed of herself.  She  _ knew _ it was made of Gems.  Every one of those Gems was a person once.  She shouldn’t have to look through a filter of Jasper to see them that way and care, but it seemed like she did just as much as with the corruptions.

“Well, she wouldn’t see them as such, but sure, her cohort,” Peridot said.  “You seem to be taking this… sort of personally?”

“I can’t help it!  They were Earth Gems like me, and I never knew all this stuff, and -”  She caught her breath, realising too late that she was heading for tears, trying to push them back in with the heel of her hand.

“Oh Amethyst!  No, please don’t cry, they - they’re not suffering any more!  Right?  Steven gave them all that comfort and togetherness and stuff.  Right?”  She put her hands on Amethyst’s shoulders, eagerly but hesitantly, peering into her face.  “They’re okay now, and I’m sure they wouldn’t want you to be sad.  They’d say go on, Amazingthyst, do it for both of us - all of us - well, like when Paulette’s best friend Tiffany got mono and couldn’t go back to camp for season two and Paulette thought she should stay home with her and she would have missed out on everything, and season two was  _ incredible.” _

Amethyst sniffed, trying to smile.  “You get better from mono, though.”

“Do you?  She wasn’t in season three so I thought maybe not.  I guess the writers just forgot about her.  Did you like what I did with your name, though?”

“Yeah, it was pretty sweet.”

“I  _ am _ pretty sweet when I put my mind to it.  Would you like a hug?”

“Um - yeah?”  A Peridot hug was a slightly awkward experience because she stuck her sharp little chin into your shoulder and the corner of her hair poked you in the cheek, but the arms and chest part was good and that was the core of a hug.  She stepped back from it after a moment - that hair-corner was a real drawback, unless she could figure out a way to angle her head around it - and managed a more genuine smile.  

_ Should I just  _ tell _ her about Jasper?  But what if she wants to tell Lapis?  And I shouldn’t tell anyone without checking with Steven.  Put it on the back burner.  Right now this kind of feels good. _

“You want to go to the arcade and clean out the change machine with your metal powers and play  _ everything?” _ she suggested.

 

They played maybe three quarters of everything before they got chucked out for cackling too loudly and because Mr Smiley was getting extremely suspicious of Peridot’s winning way with the crane game.  He hadn’t figured it out about the change machine yet, but they’d put nearly all of it back into his other machines, so he hadn’t lost  _ that _ much.  

“I don’t know how anyone wins anything on that game if they can’t manipulate the claws more directly,” Peridot said on the way home.  “Do you like your octopus?”  She had insisted that Amethyst take her pick of anything in the crane cabinet, so she’d picked a purple octopus with long twisty tentacles that she was currently wearing as a rather fetching hat.  It had taken Peridot three tries, even cheating, and some gnashing of teeth while she refined her technique, but she had caught it and presented it to her with pride bordering on hubris.

“Best octopus I’ve ever had.”

“I think I’ll give the dolphin to Lapis, and the clownfish to Steven, and do you think this one is more of a Garnet or a Pearl?”  Peridot held up a puffy little narwhal from the armful of plush sea creatures she had won.

“Definitely Pearl, it’s a sea unicorn and she’s the unicorn type.  Garnet’d like the hammerhead shark.”

_ “I _ like the shark, but I suppose I’m in a position to be generous.  I’ll still have the jellyfish and the squid.”  She balanced the squid on the peak of her hair and grinned at Amethyst.

When they got back to the house Pearl was in the throes of one of her intermittent outbreaks of pie-making.  It looked like this time it was a fancy apple tart, which meant peeling apples, which meant those fascinating long unbroken spiral scrolls of peel that she could apparently produce effortlessly.  “Oh good, you did catch her,” she said when she saw them.  “Where did you get all those?”

“We knocked over an aquarium,” said Amethyst, swiping a peel-scroll off the counter and dangling it into her mouth.

“This one is yours,” Peridot added, planting the plush narwhal on top of the flour canister.  “You’re welcome!”

“Oh, a narwhal - how appropriate.  They fence, you know, or at least they engage in behaviour that superficially  _ resembles _ fencing,” Pearl said.  “But please move it away from the food preparation area.”

“You hear that, Amethyst?   _ Appropriate.   _ Nailed it.”  Peridot moved the plush narwhal to one of the stools and placed it as if it were sitting up at the breakfast bar, with the hammerhead shark alongside it.  “Well,  _ I’m _ going to go and finalise the preparations for entertaining you tonight!  Come over about six and bring anything fun you want to share.  You know, besides yourself.  Goodbye for now!”  

“Buh-bye,” Amethyst said as Peridot scampered off to the warp pad.

“Why are you both wearing cephalopods on your heads?” Pearl asked, slicing apples with unnerving rapidity and precision.  “Is it a club?”

“Yes,” said Amethyst, “a top secret club where we drive people crazy by wearing skiddlybids on our heads to make ‘em wonder why.”  She picked up the cinnamon jar, dumped some into the palm of her hand and licked it up.  “I gotta go dig up some tapes.  Club business.”

“It’s nice to see you two having fun.  And there’ll be pie before six - though I don’t know if they’d appreciate you bringing them a slice.”  Pearl sniffed at her handful of apple slices contentedly.

 

Amethyst rolled up to the barn about six forty-five because of a combination of procrastination, genuine difficulty in tracking down the videotape with the insane season 4 Halloween special where the Moneys and the Richingtons got into an escalating scare war that culminated in a statewide  _ War of the Worlds _ -style panic when an ambitious and expensive prank got out of hand, at which point Li’l Butler finally stepped in to restore sanity (“You People Have Boo Much Money”), and getting sidetracked by finding Vidalia’s Misfits teeshirt that she’d borrowed seventeen years ago and honestly thought she had lost.  She had draped it over the top of Jasper’s bell jar so she wouldn’t forget about it again, which sort of looked like covering a birdcage so the parrot would think it was night and go to sleep.

Peridot hadn’t been kidding about making preparations to entertain her.  She had strung blinking green fairy lights around the barn door and covered a trestle table with a combination of actual junk food and food junk, specifically what looked like the pickings of the trash bins of Beach Citywalk Fries, Fish Stew Pizza and the Big Donut.  When had she even done that?  How long had she been planning this?  Though that was the good thing about garbage, you could get it ready in advance because it didn’t matter if it stayed fresh.

Peridot greeted her ceremoniously, dressed in the old baseball jersey Amethyst remembered wearing for the fateful game against the Rubies - it had been big on her and Peridot was swimming in it - and an oddly made paper hat, the twin of which she presented to her.

“A handmade replica of the Camp Pining Hearts uniform cap, because tonight you are an honorary Piner,” she said.

“You guys wear hats to watch your show?” Amethyst asked, trying to decide whether that was lame in a fun way or just in a lame way.

“For special episodes, sure! Well… granted, Lapis is more likely to hold hers in her lap.  She says hats don’t agree with her.  Put it on, put it on!”

“I think I look better in an octopus,” Amethyst, said, trying it on doubtfully.

“No, you look perfect!  Like Claire the tough yet kind CIT who runs the archery range.  Come and have something to eat!  I tried to find your favourites.”  She grabbed Amethyst’s arm and towed her over to the table.

“You really put on a spread.  Kind of impressed.”

“Of course you are.  Of course!”  Peridot squeezed her arm and beamed.

“Uh, where’s Lapis?”

“Oh, she’s -”

From behind the barn came a sudden metallic clatter, a sound of shattering, a heavy splash and a strangled scream of frustration.

“- just finishing up with her latest meepmorp,” Peridot concluded, her eyebrows raised.

There was another clatter and several muffled thuds before Lapis came stamping around the corner of the building, angrily sucking her finger.  She took it out to glare at them both and exclaim, “It won’t stick together!  It just keeps swivelling around!”

“Even with the hook-and-loop tape?” Peridot asked.

“That sticks to itself but it won’t stick to the sides!  I just broke the last of the big water-cooler bottles  _ and _ cut my finger on the shards.”  She stuck it back in her mouth.

“Leave it for now and I’ll help you with it in the morning,” Peridot suggested.  “Working in the dark probably doesn’t help any.  It’ll look better by daylight.”

“Oh, I have to redesign the whole stupid thing anyway, that stupid bottle was sort of the centrepiece.  Um.  Amethyst, hi, sorry.  That wasn’t a very good welcome.”  She gave a tight smile, clearly embarrassed by her own temper.

“Don’t worry about it, stuff breaks.  I probably have some kind of big bottle at home, I’ll have a look-see.”  Amethyst was trying not to be rattled.  Shards was a perfectly ordinary word that people used sometimes, e.g. when stuff broke, and it didn’t just mean broken Gems and the fact that she’d had grim crap on her mind lately didn’t mean she should go jumping at every word that reminded her of said grim crap.  She hadn’t really realised how she was going to feel seeing Lapis again after hearing what Jasper had to say about her.  Of course Jasper didn’t have the whole story, of course Lapis couldn’t be all bad if Steven and Peridot felt about her the way they plainly did, but she couldn’t help remembering the way Jasper’s voice had broken when she talked about Lapis choosing the way that would  _ hurt _ her.

She didn’t have long to think about it because Peridot was back in hostess-with-the-mostess mode, loading her up with snacks, dragging her up to the old truck that had become their TV room, making sure she had the best cushion for her butt, the second best cushion for her back, and giving a verbose introductory speech for the unaired pilot, which she had managed to get from her tablet onto the TV screen by means of an ungodly-looking series of kludged-together cables.  Then she snuggled in between Lapis and Amethyst, made sure everyone had exactly one third of the blanket across each of their laps, and pressed play.

It was not very good.  That was putting it charitably.  There were a few funny parts and she enjoyed the food fight scene, but it was  _ way _ too feelsy for her liking and Peridot kept turning to her to see how she was reacting, all bright-eyed and expectant, and she felt kind of pressured to perform enjoyment just so Peri wouldn’t feel bad.  On the other hand, Peridot thought the sun shone out of Lapis’ butt and  _ she _ wasn’t giving any big reactions, just sitting with her chin in her hands watching calmly as if she might possibly be asleep with her eyes open.

Then afterwards Peridot immediately had a million opinions about how  _ interesting _ it was to see the  _ primitive _ forms of the themes developed in the series proper and  _ whoa _ thank every benevolent force in the galaxy that they’d recast Percy because what a  _ drip,  _ and actually that simpler arrangement of the theme song might be better than what they went with which was sort of overproduced and not quite in keeping with the camp’s rustic aesthetic, and she thought this could best be seen as an alternate universe that could maybe have an interesting crossover with canon, and on and on, and it could have been quite annoying except that the way she was wriggling around with enthusiasm was just so cute.

After that they agreed it was time for firefly hunting before broaching  _ Li’l Butler.   _ It became clear pretty quickly that Amethyst was the best hunter of the three of them, although Lapis wasn’t bad at anticipating the next move of fellow winged creatures.  Peridot sucked so hard she relegated herself to carrying the pickle jar that served as a firefly jail and lantern.

“It’s all right,” she said, “because I have personally captured a corrupted Gem both bare and single-handed.  There can be no doubt of my acumen as a hunter and I am simply taking it easy in a recreational context, letting others have some of the glory.  Oh!  Good catch, Amethyst!”

Eventually, with about a dozen fireflies glowing green in the jar, they clambered back up to the truck to try  _ Li’l Butler. _  It gave Amethyst weirdly mixed feelings that they both loved it.  Well,  _ obviously _ they should love it, it was comedy gold, and she should feel  _ good _ about the fact that they liked what she’d brought so much, and it was both funny and cute that Lapis snorted uncontrollably when she laughed really hard and that Peridot kicked her legs like a puppy if you rubbed its belly just right.  Why  _ didn’t _ she just feel good?  Was being worried about Jasper just going to make  _ everything _ feel a little bad?  That was some weak sauce.  She’d been worried about things before and could still just enjoy a sitcom without  _ dwelling.   _ If this was growing up the grown-ups could keep it.

After three episodes Peridot was still keen to watch more, but Lapis excused herself, saying she was going for a night flight while it was quiet and starry.

“Watch out for planes,” Peridot said, waving her off.

“Planes should watch out for me.  But I will.  Have a nice time.”  She jumped from the bed of the truck, spreading her wings, and glided away into the darkness.

“What’s  _ next?” _ Peridot asked eagerly.

After three more episodes they agreed that a little break would be nice, just so they didn’t hit overload, so they turned off the TV and lay looking up at the stars.  Amethyst pointed out some of the constellations she could recognise and tried to explain their names, as much as she could remember, and made up a few when she couldn’t remember any more.  Eventually she ran out and they lay quietly under the night sky.  

_ This should just feel nice too.  She’s being my friend.  Even if she is maybe just doing it because I got all upset today and she’s trying to be kind to me.  Man, I don’t wanna be the one people think they need to look after, I wanna be the  _ fun _ one, the  _ cool  _ one who doesn’t let anything get to her.  I wanna actually be fun, not trying to hold a fun surface over all these gloomy thoughts. _

“Per, can I ask you a question?”

“Absolutely, you can ask me anything.”  Peridot rolled onto her side, facing her.

“It might sound weird.”

“Don’t worry about that.  Lying under the stars while the world around you is asleep is confiding in each other time!  It would only be more so if we had a campfire.  Do you want a campfire?”

“No, we’re good.  The firefly lantern’s plenty.”

“Okay then.  Ask me whatever you want, however weird or personal or  _ anything.” _

“Well…”

“Yes?”

“When you were poofed and bubbled, what was that like?”

“Oh.”  Peridot fit a lot into that “oh,” she seemed confused and let down at the same time, yet determined to regroup without showing how confused and let down she was.  “I don’t know, it wasn’t actually  _ like _ anything.  I wasn’t conscious of anything in between going poof and reforming when Steven let me out.”

“So nothing at all, not like a dream or anything?”

“Nope.  Has that never happened to you?”

“I’ve been poofed but not bubbled.  With a poof, there’s dreamy stuff… you kind of imagine your way through things, you maybe change yourself, how you wanna come back… the last time I did that I was so scared and in such a hurry I didn’t do a great job.”

“Didn’t you?”

“Well yeah, it shows.”

“Not to me!”

“Yeah, right.  So when you were bubbled, you didn’t get anything like that?”

“No, not at all.  But since I can’t shapeshift, I don’t think I have the option to change how I come back.  Anyway, I certainly wasn’t aware of anything at all, even the passage of time.  Why do you ask?”

“I guess that fits with how Bismuth was when she came out.  She didn’t know how much time had passed and she’d been in there thousands of years.  It’s not like there are a lot of people I can ask; most bubbled Gems couldn’t answer questions even if you let ‘em out for question time.”

“Why are you -  _ oh.   _ Oh, I think I see.  Are you thinking about Jasper?”

“Yeah,” Amethyst admitted.   _ Gotta be careful, don’t wanna really lie to her.  If she asks something I can’t answer I’ll just say it’s time for more  _ Li’l Butler.

“Well, I hope that helps.  You don’t have to worry about her any more than the Cluster.  I mean, her even less because she won’t be aware of anything.  Being bubbled must be just like being on pause.  So even though she’s corrupted she’s not going to suffer - in fact, because I poofed her so fast and you bubbled her straight away,  _ excellent  _ teamwork on our part I must say, she didn’t even have to have suffering time post-corruption like most of them do.  She’s really pretty lucky.”

“That’s a nice way of looking at it,” Amethyst said carefully.   _ Why isn’t it like that?  Why is she awake in there?  What’s so different about Jasper? _

“It’s awfully kind of you to be worrying about her, especially after she was so horrible to you and Steven,” Peridot said.  Amethyst felt her gingerly patting the back of her hand.  

“I… see a lot of me in her,” Amethyst said.

“Really?  I don’t think you’re a thing alike.  Jasper  _ looks _ perfect but is full of defects.  You don’t look like a Quartz is expected to but you’re so strong!”  Was Peridot trying to  _ hold _ her hand?  Ugh, like she so obviously needed comforting.

“That’s what I  _ mean.” _  She sat up and combed her hands through her hair.  “Dumb idea anyway.  Let’s watch the Halloween special, it’s bananas.”

“Oh.  Okay.  Although I thought Halloween was more associated with gourds.”


	9. Chapter 9

One of the reasons why this place was so awful, and here Jasper clearly had nobody to blame but herself because she was generating it somehow, was that there was no sense of the passage of time.  The sky outside didn’t get lighter or darker.  She knew it  _ felt _ like ages in between Amethyst’s visits, but she was also still rational enough to question whether it seemed longer because she was so lonely.  Substantial intervals had to pass, surely, because she’d had time to  _ do _ things like practise shapeshifting and drawing on the walls; those weren’t the work of a few minutes, but when Amethyst told her there were only days in between visits that didn’t sound right either.  Also, Amethyst said she was visiting at regular intervals, and it didn’t feel like it.  She didn’t feel Amethyst was lying about that, though.  It was getting hard to see her as anything but sincere, however weird her approach felt.  The only thing she could be sure of about time was that she couldn’t trust her own perception of it, and that was an incredibly disturbing thought.  It shouldn’t be any  _ more _ disturbing than everything else going on, but it seemed to be what she’d seized on and couldn’t stop digging away at.

She was wondering if she should ask Amethyst for a clock, but there were so many problems with that idea.  The first one was the sheer shame she felt at humbly  _ asking _ her captor for an item like that - even if she had accepted as a  _ fact _ that the hybrid entity called Steven wasn’t in any useful sense Rose Quartz, the feelings of pride and pain and indignation and resentment were still thickly clustered around him.   _ Well, I’m going to peel them away.  I’m not going to give her that power over me, to keep making a fool of myself because of how I feel about her.  I can’t change how I feel about  _ her _ but I’m not going to waste my life blasting it out at the wrong person. _

_ There I go again thinking as if I have a life to waste. _

_ I’m still not going to do something that pointless.  They must think I’m unbelievably stupid.  Mindless brute.  Which I bet Lapis has told them.  Was it the stupidity  _ in particular _ that made her despise me or was I just contemptible  _ overall?

_ I was so sure.   _ So _ sure we had a connection, so sure that if nothing else she’d want my strength.  Stop  _ thinking about it,  _ moron.  Here, think about your stupid clock problem instead. _

She wasn’t sure a clock would  _ work,  _ because it would have been created by Steven’s mind somehow inside of  _ her _ mind; it wouldn’t be a  _ real _ clock.  She had a lantern with a battery that never died and markers full of ink that wrote on anything and never ran out (and smelled like fruit for some reason), and she didn’t have a lot of experience of technology that primitive but she  _ knew _ they shouldn’t be able to do that.  If they didn’t follow reasonable rules, how could she trust that a clock would?  She could just be fooling herself again, thinking she could measure time, or this time allowing Steven to fool her,  _ inviting _ him to fool her.

_ How does he do it?  Having access to my mind?  As far as I can tell he hasn’t used it to attack me.  But would I be able to tell at all?  Did  _ he _ make this chain? _

There was also the troubling question of her memory of becoming aware of this place.  She couldn’t be sure because she couldn’t link it to any point of reference except the first time Amethyst had showed up, but it felt like it was very shortly before that.  There had only been time for the situation to begin sinking in, and then there she was.  It felt to Jasper as if it was also very shortly  _ after _ her defeat by Peridot, but Amethyst had apologised for how long it had taken her to come, and she’d wasted the opportunity to ask about that by getting into  _ why _ she had come at all.  She had never remembered to ask again because something else had always come up that sidetracked her, but it nagged at her when Amethyst wasn't there to ask.  How did it  _ work? _  In that in-between time had she been in a dormant state that - well, Amethyst said it wasn’t her doing - Steven had brought her halfway out of?

_ So that I could suffer in here instead of having the relief of nothingness. _

_ Do I really, really think that, though?   _

_ I mean, I know what someone who wants me to suffer looks like, what they sound like.   _ Her eyes flicked unwillingly up at her drawing of Lapis Lazuli.  She had coloured over the face because she’d got it  _ too _ right.  She was under no illusions about her ability as an artist (low) but there were moments when her hand and her mind worked together, instead of her mind yelling at her hand for completely failing to capture what it could so plainly imagine, and she captured an accurate impression of how something really looked.  The rage in Lapis’ eyes was too much to have in the same room with her.  She’d  _ wanted _ a good likeness because she  _ missed _ Lapis and then she’d got so uncomfortable with its likeness that she’d blotted it out with dark blue (which smelled like a blueberry).  Still, trying to draw Lapis looking calm or friendly wouldn’t have been honest.

_ And as long as I’m being honest, I think that even though it would be easier in some ways to believe that they’re toying with me, I believe Steven and Amethyst are trying to be helpful.  They’re weird and naïve and… they want to help.  I shouldn’t believe that without seeing any evidence, but intuition matters too.  They talk all that flowery nonsense about wanting me to enjoy my life and my gut tells me they actually mean it. _

_ Which is ridiculous. _

_ Because after all, if they let me out of the prisoner bubble I would still be an abomination and I don’t think they enjoy life much.  The ones I caught didn’t look like they were.  Just skulking around in remote, wild places, cowering and miserable. _

_ Although maybe they looked so miserable and scared because of me.  I did basically hunt them down and beat them into submission.  For all I know they  _ were _ enjoying life somehow before I turned up, in a dumb bestial way.  They didn’t  _ tell _ me that, though, after they reformed and understood I was in charge now.  It was more like “thank the stars you’re here” and “we didn’t know what to do.”   _ They didn’t use words, of course, but it was hard to think about the impressions and feelings the corruptions conveyed to her without using them herself.

She drummed her fingers irritably on the stone floor.  She was just toiling round and round in the same loops of thought, and she needed something to do.  She’d already spent so long shapeshifting (she caught herself before thinking “today” but that was as close as she could get) that she couldn’t have produced another shift right now if her life depended on it.  She could be a pyramid now, or a triangular prism.  It didn’t matter how she reshaped her form, though, the chain was always wrapped around her in such a way that it couldn’t even accidentally slip off.

She crawled around gathering up the markers again, chose a clear patch of wall in between Amethyst and Pink Diamond, and began outlining the beast  _ (Ocean Jasper, you know who she was, you know who she’d be if she was herself) _ that had got away.

It was quite an intricate drawing because of the patterns on Ocean Jasper’s skin.  She used the green patches on her own arms as something of a model, though there was also pink on Ocean Jasper - actually, kind of a watermelon pink.  It made her wonder what it meant that the ocean and  _ water _ melons were so tied up with trouble for her.  She stopped in the middle of colouring in a swirl of pink and frowned.  Beta Kindergarten was in a desert, the opposite of an ocean.  Did that then make this a safe place for her?  Had her mind created it like this not just to remind her she was a prisoner who had never really escaped from her origins, but in some weird way to protect her from more water-related harm?  She didn’t know what to do with that.  She frowned harder and went back to colouring in.

She was just finishing off the tail when Amethyst came clambering in without even asking and said, “Oh, cool, watermelon dog!”

“Watermelon what?” Jasper asked, startled

“Dog, it’s a cute animal on Earth.  I just… kinda thought your beasties looked like big shaggy dogs.  I thought of ‘em as Watermelon Dog and Brown Dog.”

“Oh.”  Jasper hesitated.  “Well, you wouldn’t know, because I guess the Crystal Gems didn’t think it was worth teaching you to recognise your own people, but they’re both subtypes of Jasper.  This is Ocean Jasper and the brown one’s name was Biggs Jasper.”

_ “Biggs Jasper is the best Jasper name ever,” _ Amethyst said with total conviction, before her face clouded a bit.  “I guess… I mean this is something that’d seem normal to  _ you,  _ or I guess any normal Gem, but it always feels sorta weird to me that there would be lots of other Jaspers called Jasper, or lots of other Amethysts called Amethyst, that they’re not like our  _ name _ names… I don’t know how to put it.  Feels like being less of a person.”

“Does it?”  Jasper thought about that.  

“And doesn’t it get confusing?  Like if you’re in a room with six other Jaspers and somebody says ‘Yo Jasper’ do you all turn around?”  Amethyst sat down beside her, copying her cross-legged position, and watched her filling in the tail.

“Oh, no.  No, I see what you mean about  _ that. _  If you want one Gem in particular you can call her by her facet and cut codes.  Everyone has a unique combination of those that describes where and when she was made, what her role is, her abilities and status, all the things that make up who you are.  That’s like… your most formal, official, accurate name.”

“Right, I know Peridot’s… facet 2 something something cut 5 something something.  Sounds like the human thing of having your name and your  _ full  _ name.  Like you’re not just Jasper, you’re… Jasper Tiffany Richington.”

“I’m  _ what? _  Do you have a name like that?”

“Nah, nah.  Steven does though, remember?  Steven Quartz Universe.”

“I don’t feel like a Tiffany.”  She capped the cream-coloured marker and started putting in some highlights with the white one.

“That’s just off the top of my head.  You know some humans have Gem names?  There’s lots of human women called Pearl.  Ruby’s real popular too, or it was, they’re both a little old-timey now.  You get maybe a few Garnets and Amethysts and Sapphires, but they’re unusual.”

“Oh.”  Jasper found that a little disconcerting.  “Why would they call themselves  _ our _ names?”

“I dunno, they think we’re really pretty.”

“Are any of them called Jasper?”

“Yeah, but for some reason only boys.  I don’t know why they treat Jasper different, every other Gem name humans use  _ I _ can think of is for a girl.”

“Well, I’m not a boy  _ or _ a Tiffany.  Let’s clear that up right now.”

“Got it.”  Amethyst scooted herself closer and leaned her head and shoulder against Jasper’s side, which she found startling but not unpleasant. “So you only know it’s you if they say Jasper facet 4 something something?”

“Not only.  With Gems you spend a lot of time with you’d have a nickname.”

“Like we could call Biggs Jasper Biggie?”

“That would work if you didn’t have any other Biggs Jaspers.  When you have more than one of the same type the nicknames go by something about your looks, your markings, where your gemstone is, or something you did that everyone remembers.  But some Gems a nickname just doesn’t stick to.  Everyone I know always ends up calling me plain Jasper.”

“Like you’re  _ the _ Jasper,” Amethyst said.  “You’d be our  _ the _ Jasper, the one and only.  But don’t worry, we’re not gonna  _ call _ you The Jasper, you’d sound like a douchebag.”

Jasper considered asking what “douchebag” meant and decided not to on the grounds that it was obvious from context it was a bad thing.  That would do.  She gave a sort of noncommittal grunt and leaned back from her drawing a bit to see if it looked finished.  It was probably as good as it was going to get.

“I mean, I call  _ everyone _ nicknames,” Amethyst went on.  “It’s kind of my thing.  Amethyst the nickname machine.”

“Well, if you ever know another Jasper I guess you can give  _ her _ one.”  Jasper hitched herself away from Amethyst sideways, not to get away from her but to move along to a clear patch of wall and start drawing Biggs.  She realised she sort of wanted Amethyst sitting next to her again, and glanced over at her without thinking about it, and without her having to say anything Amethyst seemed to understand what she wanted and scooted over to lean against her side.

“I already did.  Biggie, remember?  And Ocean Jasper… um… Oshe… OJ?  I need to work on that one.  But Biggs Jasper is just a  _ gift,  _ I can call her Big Bopper, Big Dipper, BFG, Big Ups, Big Business, Big Bird…”

“Except she’s a pathetic corrupted monster who won’t understand or care what you’re calling her,” Jasper pointed out.

“Well, maybe she won’t always be.  I’ll just be ready.”  Amethyst picked up the licorice black marker and started colouring in her nails again.  “And nicknames don’t have to be to tell people apart.  You can give someone a nickname just to show you like ‘em.  That’s why I do it.  Big J.”

“I thought nicknames with Big in them were for Biggs.”

“You’re big too.  Jas-star.  Or if I was mad at you I could call you Assper.”

“If you were mad at me but… still wanted to show you liked me?”

“Yeah, I have a feeling that might happen sometimes.”  Amethyst seemed to be drawing frowny eyes and a diamond-shaped nose on the side of her hand.  She folded her thumb in alongside it and drew lips along the line between her thumb and the rest of her hand, then moved her thumb to make the lips part so a little face seemed to be speaking.  “I’m Jasper,” she said in a gravelly little voice.

“You do weird things to your body,” Jasper said, shaking her head.

“Made you smile,” Amethyst said smugly.

She  _ was _ smiling a little, and she hadn’t realised, and her face suddenly felt hot and she knew that it was turning red, which she  _ definitely _ didn’t want to happen, and in her anger and embarrassment she almost shoved Amethyst away.  She managed to crush the impulse, but it was a bad moment.   _ Don’t do it, you know she’ll leave and she won’t come back.   _ “Assmethyst,” she grumbled.

“Whatchoo say?” Amethyst demanded via the hand puppet, holding it up in Jasper’s line of sight at the end of a stretched-out arm.

“Assmethyst!  As in a pain in the ass!”

“You know it!”  Amethyst pressed the puppet’s face against Jasper’s cheek and made an exaggerated squeaking smooch sound.  “Mwah!”

“I do  _ not _ understand you,” Jasper protested, rubbing the fake kiss off with the back of her hand.

“You just gotta get used to me.  Hey, have you been practising your ball?  We could bounce around.”

“Why do you want to?” Jasper asked.

“It’s fun.  Didn’t you have a little bit of fun last time?  A leeeeeetle beetle?  ‘Cause bouncing around isn’t quite flying, but you get to sail through the air, right?”

Jasper’s mouth sagged open a moment in surprise.  “It  _ is _ a little like flying.”

“She catches on.”

“But why do  _ you _ want to do that?  You  _ can _ fly any time you want to, so why do you want to do a less good version of that with me?”

“Ugh, okay,” Amethyst sighed.  “Number one, important words,  _ with you. _  I want to do stuff with you because you’re important to me, ya big galoot.  And I want to do stuff that’s important  _ to you _ because that makes you happy - well, happi _ er _ than rock-bottom miserable - and that makes  _ me _ happy.  Number three - that one just now was number two - number three, you’re the one who thinks flying is top of the tree and bouncing’s less good, I happen to like bouncing a lot too.”

_ And again, I think she means all that. _  Jasper thought about it.  “I  _ would _ like to.  But I already practised a lot today before you got here and I think it’ll be a while more before I have the energy again.”

“Okay, I get that.”  Amethyst settled against her again.  “We’ll do it another time.”

“You’ll be bored just sitting and watching me draw.”   _ She might want to leave if I don’t do what she wanted to do; did I mess that up? _

“Nah, this is nice and chill.  I like being beside you.”  Amethyst hesitated a moment, then said in a rush, “I know you’re not crazy about Garnet but here’s the thing, you’re like her in one really important way.  You’re really big and solid and warm and safe-feeling.  At least you’re safe-feeling now.  And you’re even solider than she is so we’re talking  _ quality _ solid here.”

Jasper went with the noncommittal grunt again.  It had served her well.  She carried on sketching the outline of Biggs.  She’d drawn Ocean sort of galloping along so she thought it would be nice if Biggs were sitting down for contrast, but it was a trickier position to draw because she had to figure out how the legs tucked in against the body.

After a short spell of silence Amethyst spoke up.  “Can Steven come in too?  He’d be cool with just watching you draw.  He’s got a lot of energy but he can relax like a champ.”

Jasper considered it.  In one way she didn’t want him in here, and the reason was surprising.  She was liking having Amethyst here today, not just because it was better than being totally alone but because it had started to feel good in and of itself.  She sort of wanted to keep that to herself and not have anyone else interrupting it.  On the other hand, if she was serious about not misdirecting all her Rose Quartz feelings at Steven, she had to get used to Steven himself so she really knew he was separate and different.  Possibly if she asked him the right way he could answer some questions about time and consciousness in here.

_ It doesn’t  _ matter _ if you get answers.  None of your garbage matters, you know that.  You don’t matter any more. _

A new little voice argued back against that cold, dark voice of reason.  It sounded a little like Amethyst.   _ If it doesn’t matter then there’s no reason  _ not _ to do it either.  If I don’t matter I can do whatever I feel like.  What difference does it make?   _ It was a strange angle on things but it had some appeal.

“All right, if he wants to,” she said.

Amethyst grinned up at her.  “Yuss!” she said.  She darted out and came back with Steven in tow.  He was grinning too, as if it was some kind of a treat to be invited back into a dark hole in a cliff with a failed Quartz in it.  

“Hi Jasper!  Thanks for inviting me.  Whoa, that’s really good!”  He ran over to the drawing of Ocean Jasper.  “I like how you’ve got the mane and tail flowing out.  When I try to draw that on unicorns or whatever it just looks stiff and spiky.  You have a really nice art style.”

“I… don’t think I have a style,” Jasper said, nonplussed.  “I’m just trying to draw what things look like and I get most of it wrong.”  Then, because a few innocuous warm-up questions were probably a good way to get him willing to talk, “What’s a unicorn?”

“Oh, I can show you,” Steven said, bending to pick up a marker.  He stopped in mid-bend for a moment, then straightened up with his eyes huge and shining.  “I can just  _ show _ you!  I can magic up anything you want to see!  Hold on, hold on!”  He put both his forefingers to his temples and closed his eyes, frowning and sticking his tongue out of the corner of his mouth in concentration.  “Hnnnnnh!  A unicorn for Jasper!”

There was a high whinnying sound and a white four-legged animal a bit bigger than Steven and Amethyst appeared.  It glowed and sparkled, and had big shiny eyes and a flowing silvery mane and one long sharp horn growing from the middle of its forehead.

“Dude,” said Amethyst, “we’ve been through this, unicorns don’t gots wings.  That’s a pegasus.”

The unicorn fluttered its wings indignantly and stamped a dainty hoof.

“You can have both,” Steven said.  “I mean, why not?”

“I hate to be Pearl about this, but then it’s not a unicorn!  I don’t know why that bugs me so much, but it does!”

“Okay, then it’s a pegacorn.  What do you think, Jasper?”

Jasper had been staring at the animal and was just reaching out her hand towards it.  It stepped over daintily and pushed its nose into the palm of her hand, sniffing.  Even if it was a figment of Steven’s imagination its muzzle felt velvety and its breath felt warm like a living animal’s.  She drew her hand in closer, hoping it would follow, to get a good look at that horn; she thought this animal might fight a little like she did.  If it got a decent run-up the horn would make a deadly ram.  She turned to mention it to Steven and Amethyst and found them staring at  _ her. _

“What?”

“How are you doing that?” Steven asked.  “You didn’t even say anything and it went right to you.”

“Ohmygosh she’s a maiden pure of heart,” said Amethyst, and started to giggle.  

“Shut up, I am not,” Jasper said automatically.  A maiden pure of heart was probably better than a douchebag but it still sounded peculiar.  “What do you mean, Steven?”

“Just - well, it’s a unicorn and they’re special, so maybe that’s why?  Or are you just really good with animals so you know what to do?”

Jasper frowned, confused.  “I… don’t ‘know what to do,’ I just did… you know, it was obvious.”

Steven held out his own hand and wiggled the fingers, beckoning.  “Here, uni-uni,” he said hopefully.  The unicorn looked up from smelling Jasper’s hair with mild interest, but stayed where it was.  “Oh come on,” said Steven, “you’re  _ my _ unicorn, I just made you.”

“Oh,” said Jasper, “that must be it.  You said ‘a unicorn for Jasper’ so naturally it went to me.”  The unicorn nuzzled against her cheek and Amethyst gave a hiccup of laughter.  “What’s so funny?”

“You’re like a fairy princess,” she said.  “A big ol’ butt-kicking fairy princess.  Steven Steven, make her a flower crown.”

“You want a flower crown?” Steven asked, his face lighting up again.

“Is a flower crown a  _ good _ thing?”  She wasn’t so sure with Amethyst treating it like a joke.

“Yeah, it’s lovely!  Flower crowns for everyone!”  He waved his hands and Jasper felt a soft weight settle on her head as a completely unexpected smell wafted into her face.  Steven was wearing a circle of pink and red rosebuds at a jaunty angle on his curly hair and Amethyst had a garland of ferns and nodding bluebells.  Even the unicorn had a small ring of white daisies round the base of its horn.  Jasper cautiously put her hands to her head and lifted off the crown to look at it; she had ferns too and white frangipani flowers tinged with pink and yellow.  Steven was beaming at her and she experienced a completely unexpected impulse not to disappoint him, so she put the crown back on.  She had to tell the truth, though.

“This isn’t quite… me,” she said.  “I wear a helmet, not a crown.  I was just thinking about how this animal could fight with this horn.  If it put its head down and charged it could spear anything in its way.”

“Jasper riding into battle on a unicorn,” said Amethyst.  “That’s a great picture.”

“Not unless they make unicorns a lot bigger,” Jasper said.  “I’d break this one’s back.  And if it’s an Earth animal it can’t just go poof and recover from that.”

“It’s not really an Earth animal,” Steven said.  He had been carefully approaching the unicorn and was now softly patting its shoulder.  “It’s more from fantasyland.  It’s imaginary, I mean.  Really imaginary, like they don’t exist in the world outside of dreams.  It can just exist here.  And I can leave it here for you, it can keep you company.”

“I - no.  Thanks, but no, this isn’t my kind of thing.  Can you send it away again?”

“Okay,” Steven said, clearly disappointed.  “Thanks for coming, unicorn.  Go back to fantasyland now.”  It disappeared with a shimmer in the air, although the flower crowns stayed.

“Aw, boo,” said Amethyst.  “But we could get you another pet.  You want a tiger?  I think a tiger would be grrrreat.”  For some reason that made her and Steven laugh.

“I don’t want a fake, imaginary pet that I know is only there because you made it up.  That’s not company, that would feel worse than  _ no  _ company,” Jasper protested.

“Oh jeez,” said Steven.  “Sorry, I didn’t think of it that way.  I don’t think there’s any way to bring a real animal in here.”

“How do  _ you _ get in here?” Jasper asked, seizing the opportunity.  Apologetic, guilty people were usually eager to explain themselves.  “What are you doing?”

“Well, I’m… not exactly sure,” Steven admitted.  “I’m kind of figuring it out on instinct.  Do you remember a long time ago when you were in Malachite, one night I saw you, or you saw me?  That was my first try at lucid dreaming and it was  _ so _ weird and scary.”

“I remember,” said Jasper, feeling cold.  Weird and scary didn’t begin to cover it.  “I still thought you were Rose Quartz in another shape.  I went for you because - part of me still wanted to get you but right then part of me hoped you’d get me out of there.  I was pretty desperate at that stage.  I would have taken almost anything.”

“I wish I’d understood,” Steven said, folding his arms around himself.  “Maybe I could have done more.  I just thought Lapis was sacrificing herself to protect me, and I didn’t know she was  _ hurting _ you.  You didn’t deserve  _ that.” _

“Don’t blame yourself for that.  If I wasn’t strong enough to stop her I did deserve it.”

“Holy smokes,  _ no,” _ Amethyst said urgently.  “I mean yeah, Steven, don’t blame yourself, you didn’t know and you were trying your best.  But it is  _ not _ true that if you can’t stop someone doing something bad to you, you  _ deserve _ it.  That would be horrible.”

“That would mean Connie and me deserved it when Kevin was hitting on us at the rave and it was so creepy and gross,” Steven said.  “We couldn’t  _ stop  _ him being like that.  We didn’t do anything to make him  _ start _ being like that, we were just  _ there!” _

“Well, I did do something to make Lapis start, so it’s different,” Jasper pointed out.  She didn’t understand how someone hitting you could be creepy and gross rather than painful, or who Kevin was, but it sounded like Steven was mistaking some problem he’d had for hers.

“No you didn’t, dummy!  You did something to make her try to stop you trying to hurt  _ us. _  You said it yourself, she could’ve done that without trying to hurt  _ you. _  That part is  _ not _ your fault, Jasper!  I thought you got that!”  Amethyst looked furious as well as distressed.  She pulled off her flower crown and crumpled it in her hands.  

“She didn’t even have to do that,” Steven said.  “I’ve thought about it and thought about it, and all Lapis had to do was say, ‘No, I won’t fuse with you.’  Because you looked really scary, and that had me fooled, but by then you weren’t that much of a threat.”

“Hey!” Jasper said.  She’d got so used to Steven trying in his flower crowns and fruit markers way to make her feel better that it hurt even more when he said something like that.

“Well, you weren’t!  Your ship just crashed.  You didn’t have any special weapons any more.  You were all beat up from the crash and fighting Garnet.  Peridot was gone so she couldn’t help you.  You’re really strong, Jasper, but the way you were right then, I think the four of us could’ve taken you.  No matter what, you weren’t going to win that fight.”

“That is  _ not _ true,” Jasper said, clenching her fists.  “If Lapis hadn’t taken me out I could still have wiped the floor with you.”

“If Lapis hadn’t taken you out,” Steven said, pressing on although he looked like he really wished he could stop, “the next thing that would’ve happened is you would’ve had to fight Opal or Sugilite or even Alexandrite.  Now you’ve fought Alexandrite when you were  _ Malachite. _  How do you think you’d do against her on your own?”

Jasper’s fists loosened and sagged into her lap.  She felt small, and cold, and unbelievably stupid.  She had never thought that through.

“I’m so sorry,” Steven said hastily.  “I didn’t want to say something that would make you feel bad about yourself!  But I want you to know the truth and - and I have to face up to it too, I have to talk to Lapis and tell her that if she ever does anything like that again, even if she thinks she’s doing it for me, that - that we can’t be friends.  That I’d have to try to stop her.  Oh man, this is Bismuth all over again.  I’m sorry.”  He sat down, clutching his stomach.

“When did you even come up with all this, Steven?” Amethyst asked in a small, shocked voice.

“I’ve had a  _ lot _ of time to think out there in the Place Between,” he said.

“Will you be okay if I go check on Jasper for a sec?”

“Yes,” he said, hugging himself tighter.

“Okay, buddy.”  She patted him on the shoulder as she stepped past him and approached Jasper.  “Jasper?  Sis?  Talk to me, you look all shell-shocked.”

“I never worked that out,” Jasper said faintly, shaking her head.  “I just kept pressing forward trying to fix things and I never understood what had happened.  If that - then - I really never stood a chance, did I?  I’ve just had this illusion that there was still something I could have done to turn things around.  I’ve been like a dumb animal charging around a blind canyon thinking it’s escaping and it doesn’t know it’s trapped.”

“Don’t call yourself that,” Amethyst said, hugging her arm.  “Do you at least get now that you didn’t make all this happen to you?  You made some mistakes but you didn’t make Lapis’ mind up for her.  And we’re just as dumb ‘cause most of this time we’ve been so scared of you ‘cause you  _ looked scary _ we didn’t see how outgunned you were.  I sure didn’t see it.  When did you get so smart, Steven?”

He shrugged and gave a small, wan smile.  Amethyst leaned her head on Jasper’s shoulder.  It was jostled as Jasper heaved a sob, then started to laugh, then went on crying and laughing together, clutching at her head.  The flower crown fell apart and ferns and plumerias pattered into her lap.  Both of them stayed with her.  Amethyst got into her lap and hugged her around the waist, tighter than the chain; Steven went and got the tissues and sat beside her patting her knee and holding out the box.  They were like the markers and the lantern; no matter how many she pulled out and soaked with tears and threw away, the box was never empty.  She ran out of tears first and sat sniffing and gulping, dry-eyed, with her arms around Amethyst and her cheek on top of her head.  It was humiliating how comforting that was but she wasn’t about to let go for a second.

“Do you feel any better?” Steven asked, patting hopefully.  “I’m so sorry I upset you.”

“It’s a sort of relief,” she admitted.  “I don’t - it might not make sense but I don’t hate myself  _ as _ much if it’s not that I still had a chance then on the beach and I blew it.  It was a no-win situation.  Want to help me backtrack and figure out when I  _ did _ blow my chance?”  She gave a shaky little laugh, but no more tears followed.

“I think,” Steven said carefully, “that looking for that wouldn’t really help now.  It’s not something you can do over and it’s not something you’ll need to do again.  You don’t want to fight us again, do you?”

“Well, you’ve told me that I couldn’t win and I know you’re right,” Jasper said.

“Not what he asked you,” Amethyst said, her voice muffled.  She brushed Jasper’s hair off her face and spat out a piece of fern.  “You don’t  _ want _ to fight us again, do you?”

“Not much,” Jasper mumbled.

“So you don’t need a strategy for that.  I think  _ I _ messed up tonight, but I’m not sure where,” Steven said.  “I was doing good with the flower crowns and the unicorn for a while there.”

“Before you came in, we had nicknames and a joke and Jasper  _ smiled _ once,” Amethyst reported.  “And she told me some really interesting stuff about Gem names.  You know, you and me should really have facet and cut codes.  They tell other Gems where you’re from and who you are.  We should ask Peridot to help us figure out what ours should be.  Jasper, what’s yours?  You didn’t say.”

“I… don’t want to.”

“Why not?”

“I hate where I’m from and it’s not who I am any more.”

“Oh, okay.  Then I don’t want one either.  Solidarity, yo.”  Amethyst raised one small, pudgy fist.

“You shouldn’t miss out because of me.”

“I don’t care if I miss out on something I didn’t know I didn’t have.”

“But… that’s everything, all your Quartz heritage.  They’ve kept you in ignorance about that and there may be things you  _ want.” _

“Then you can tell me about it and I’ll pick and choose,” Amethyst said reasonably.  “Just keep what fits.”

“Can you tell me too, Jasper?” Steven asked.  “I mean, I understand if you feel like it’s something just for full Quartzes.”

“You should know it too.  Even if it’s only half of you half is a pretty big part,” Jasper said.   _ Wait, when did I decide I was going to give lessons on Quartz heritage?  These two are sneaky.  They’re getting more out of me than I’m getting out of them.  But maybe they don’t know that much for me to get. _

“Thank you!”  His face brightened.  “And can you teach me - oh gosh, I just realised I don’t know.  Amethyst, do  _ you _ know how to write in Gem?  Pearl kind of brushed me off about learning it.”

“I know a little bit,” Amethyst said uncertainly, “but yeah, only some basics I haven’t used in a long time.  She said I was never likely to need it and Rose said living here, it would be more useful for me to know human writing systems.  She was really excited about how many different styles they had.  I think it’s kind of a pain in the butt.  You just think you know what’s what and then the King of Korea decides he’s gonna create a whole new script.  And I used to be able to write my name with a thorn!  I miss thorn.”

“That,” said Jasper, “sounds like there was information they didn’t want you to be able to read.  Doesn’t it?”  They both looked troubled.

“I - maybe they want to protect us,” Steven said.  “Or they were worried about overloading me with too much info at once.”

“Maybe they want to protect  _ themselves _ from you finding out things about them you wouldn’t like,” Jasper said.  “Of course I’ll teach you.  As much as I can, I’m not a scholar, but at least I’m literate and you deserve to be too.”   _ And now I’m volunteering to teach them to read and write.  It’s shameful how they’ve been kept in the dark.  They hardly know who they  _ are.   _ I knew the rebels hated Homeworld but I didn’t think they’d take it as far as cutting off the next generation from their own language.  Why would Rose  _ do _ that?  Just another question I can’t get answered. _

“Ha!” said Amethyst.  “You know what’s funny in sort of a whack way?  Humans use the word kindergarten too, but they use it to mean your first year of school where you start learning to read and write.  So me and Steven finally get a kindergarten education.”

“How do  _ you _ know so much about school?” Steven asked.

“I just know ‘cause I always pay attention if anyone says kindergarten because it might be about me.”  Amethyst shrugged and pushed Jasper’s hair away again.  “Your hair’s trying to eat me.”

“Sorry.  One thing you have got right, you grew a good big Quartz mane.”

“Shoot, I didn’t even do that to be Quartzy, I was just copying Greg.”

“And Greg is…”

“Steven’s dad.  He had really cool hair when he was younger.  I guess it’s still nice now but there’s less of it.”

“And ‘dad’ is…”

“My father,” Steven said.  “Where the human half of me comes from.  I look a lot like him but he says my hair is more like my grandma’s.  I hope you can meet him someday, I think you’ll like him.”

“I doubt he’d like me,” Jasper said.

“Don’t be so sure, he’s very open-minded.”

“I don’t know a  _ lot _ about humans but I know the adults are really protective of their offspring.  I don’t expect him to like someone who headbutted you, for starters.”

“I don’t know,” Steven said, shrugging, “Lapis broke his leg one time and these days they get along really well.  Just don’t make your mind up he won’t like you before you meet him, that’s all.”

“Oh, I think Greg’ll like her just fine,” Amethyst said.

“Uh, why the tone?” Steven asked.

_ “Uh,  _ Greg favours the larger ladies.  Whatever he thinks about the whole headbutt thing he’s gonna think Jasper is really foxy.”

“Ew,” said Steven.  “Oh, no offence, Jasper, you  _ are _ really pretty, but I don’t think Dad is like that.  He wouldn’t change his mind about her just ‘cause she’s good-looking.  I want him to like Jasper because… she doesn’t give up, and she’s changed so much since then.”

“I  _ have _ given up and I  _ haven’t _ changed,” Jasper retorted.

“Today you petted a unicorn, you’re hugging Amethyst  _ right now,  _ you make amazing art, and you’re making plans with us to teach us all kinds of cool stuff!  How have you given up or not changed?”

“That - doesn’t count.”  She took her hands off Amethyst, ashamed of clinging to her like a weakling.

“It counts to me,” Amethyst said.  “Hey, speaking of hair, can you do this with yours?”  She gathered her hair back into a bunch, twisted it around and tied it in a knot with the ends hanging free.

Grateful to Amethyst for changing the subject, Jasper tried it.  She lost control of the twist on her first attempt but kept it pulled tight on the second and succeeded.  Amethyst grinned up at her.  “Twins again,” she said.

“You guys look great,” said Steven.  “Oh, here!”  He picked up a couple of fallen plumeria flowers, stuck one into the knot of Amethyst’s ponytail, and then gestured for Jasper to bend down so he could do the same for her.

_ I’m bending my head to the son of Rose Quartz so he can put a flower in my hair so I match my runt sister.  I haven’t changed but the world’s changed out of recognition. _  She straightened up, her face burning again.   _ It doesn’t matter.  None of this is important.  If I’m weak and stupid around these two, well, they’re weak and stupid too.  But I shouldn’t let them be more stupid than they have to be. _

“Go and bring me some paper,” she told Steven.  “I’m going to get you started learning Gem Demotic, and check how much Amethyst remembers.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1) I decided Gem writing has demotic and hieratic forms like Ancient Egyptian. Why not, right?  
> 2) Licorice is not a fruit; this represents wishful thinking on Steven's part.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A short chapter via Steven, who is also short.

The relief Steven felt at knowing that, even if he had failed with Bismuth and Eyeball, he had another chance with Jasper, was huge.  If two out of three wasn't bad, one out of three was at least not completely terrible, and it opened up the hope that there might be other second chances.  He  _ wanted  _ to try straight away to see if he could at least visit Bismuth in her bubble, but then that wouldn't be fair to Jasper and Amethyst, who were really counting on him.  It was taking a lot out of him just to do a Beta visit every other night. He still felt tired most of the time, and that was even though he’d started taking afternoon naps every day.  (He was wondering if it was time to try to get over how yucky coffee tasted.  Tired or not, he was a bit too intimidated to try the energy drinks that made Amethyst go blurry and bounce off walls.)  So, he knew, visiting Bismuth as well would probably wear him out totally and then he'd let Jasper and Amethyst down.  That was out of the question.  At least he could sort of justify it as finishing one big project before taking on another. 

He wished like anything that he could talk it over with Connie, but he and Amethyst had had a long debate about that and agreed it wasn't time to tell even best friends.  She had been stewing about whether to tell Peridot, but the obvious problem with that was that Peridot was a blurter.  She was so inclined to say what she was thinking on impulse that it just didn't seem safe - and they were still both very attracted to the idea of being able to produce a rehabilitated Jasper as a done deal. 

“To show that we don't mess up  _ everything  _ we touch,” Amethyst had said.  “Well, she comes pre-messed so at least it's not all us.”

_ No,  _ he’d thought,  _ some of it was my mom but that means it's on me.   _ If he could show Garnet and Pearl that he could accomplish something like this (with help from Amethyst, but still, it meant using abilities only he had), it would have to go a long way to make up for his recent mistakes.  They could be proud of him then, and not so scared about the future.  

The problem was not knowing exactly what to do or how to do it.  If corruption was like a tear in the fabric of your mind, then mending it should have to do with the person’s thoughts and feelings.  Surely if they felt happier and more confident, that would help?  And if you could deliver the warm fuzzies straight to the place where they were hurt,  _ inside _ their mind, you should be able to help more?  Maybe he could try to teach Jasper Garnet’s song, but then that was really about fusion so it could be pretty tactless.  He didn’t think she had all that much experience of flexibility, love and trust.

Amethyst  _ had _ told Connie’s mother a bit about Jasper, which he had been a little steamed about, but he’d watched enough TV shows with doctors to know they weren't allowed to tell other people your private business, so they should be safe there - and her advice  _ did _ make it sound like he was on the right track, as much as he could be without a lot of diplomas and things.  If he could just figure this out, if only through trial and error, then Jasper would be okay and  _ that  _ should mean he could help Centipeetle and her friends next, and maybe finally learn her real name.  And then… all the other thousands of bubbled, corrupted Gems?  That was too big to think about right now.  Jasper was plenty big enough on her own.  

He thought they'd done something good with the reading and writing lessons.  To start with Jasper had written out a strange squiggly, spiky alphabet while he and Amethyst watched with interest and Amethyst pointed out parts she remembered.  It seemed like Gem letters stood for syllables, and he was relieved to hear that each sound could only be written one way. 

“English is so cheaty that way.”

“You have to learn it all over again every few centuries,” Amethyst said, nodding.  “Total mess, which I kinda like about it.”

“What’d you mean about writing your name with a thorn?  Like would you use a thorn to scratch letters, or…”

“Thorn’s a letter they used to have in English.  Look.”  Amethyst picked up a loose marker and wrote her name in the palm of her hand.  “One letter, makes the sound of ‘th.’”

“That looks kind of like… Amepyst?  Or Amebyst?”

“Only ‘cause you're a  _ millennial _ who knows nothin’.”

“Doesn't that look like Amebyst, Jasper?”

She looked up from frowning over her alphabet.  “Don't ask me, I can't read that.”

“You mean you can’t - well no, of course you wouldn’t!  That means we can teach you right back!”  He grabbed a sheet of paper and stole Amethyst’s marker to start writing out the ABCs.  “It  _ is _ a little weird and tricky but you can do it!”

“Why would I want to learn that?” she asked, then sighed.  “All right, but I’m not starting until you memorise this.”  She tapped the paper with one huge forefinger.  “Finish that and get started copying these.”

Jasper was… not a very good teacher.  Not that he had known any actual official teachers, but between his dad and the Gems Steven had formed opinions and he was pretty sure growling “Stop being stupid” and “Just learn it” wasn’t good instructional technique.

“But how can I learn it if I don’t understand it?” he protested.

“You can’t understand it till you can remember it!” Jasper snapped.  “Just keep copying them till you can do it right.”

“Amethyst, is this how Pearl taught you your letters?”

“She was also big on copying but patted my head more,” Amethyst admitted.  She turned out to have forgotten about a third of the basic characters and was on remedial copying herself.

“No one patted  _ my _ head and I still learned it,” Jasper pointed out.

“But it can be more fun than this!  My dad and I always turned things I needed to learn into a song.”

“Is he always like this?” Jasper asked Amethyst.

“Literally always.  But it’s why he’s fun!  Plus music and rhymes really do help you remember things.”

“No singing!” Jasper declared.  “I forbid it.”

“Wow, you are  _ not _ gonna get along with Pearl.  But Stee-man, you better memorise it because you can’t bring that paper home with you, right?”

“Oh crud, you’re right.  I’m gonna have to try and write it all out as soon as I wake up.”

He tried his best but still missed some.  Between his best efforts and Amethyst’s they managed to reconstruct it, and turned it into a song anyway because what Jasper didn’t know wouldn’t hurt her.  By the time they next visited her she had copied Steven’s alphabet dozens of times all over the floor of her cave, since the walls were filling up with pictures, and while she certainly  _ knew _ it she didn’t know which letters corresponded to any sounds and was deeply grumpy about the flaw in her teaching method thus revealed.  That did seem to mean she’d listen to other options.  After some cajoling from Amethyst she even agreed to at least  _ listen _ to the ABC song, but was steadfast in her refusal to sing it herself.  

At one stage when he was practising writing his name in Gem Demotic and getting pretty fed up with how twiddly some of the letters were, Steven glanced over at her and saw that she was silently mouthing the song to herself as she very seriously and carefully practised writing her own in English.  He nudged Amethyst and slid her a note saying “LOOK AT JASPER BEING CUTE.”  Unfortunately Jasper heard the paper rustling and Amethyst snorting appreciatively, checked on what they were doing and got strangely, defensively upset about the note, as if they were making fun of her.  She sentenced him to rewrite the note a hundred times in proper demotic characters; also to think twice before he called someone cute “for no reason.”

At the next visit each of the portraits was labelled with its name, although she’d had predictable difficulty with spelling and got upset with herself again when they had to tell her it wasn’t “Oshin Jasper” and there was an “a” in “Diamond.”

“Well, one more piece of proof of how stupid I am, I bet that’s very satisfying,” she said bitterly.

“Um, no?” Steven said.

“Dude, it’s okay, nobody gets all of these right at first,” Amethyst said.  “They don’t make sense.  And you spelled my name right!”

“That doesn’t count, you showed me how to do it,” Jasper grumbled.  “Now I’ve ruined my walls.”

“Oh, come on,” said Steven.  “I made the white marker magic.  It goes over  _ everything _ without anything showing through.  We’ll just go over the labels with it and redo them in nice little white boxes with pretty frames.  It’ll look like an art gallery.”

She accepted this solution reluctantly, almost as if it bothered her to have a way to correct her mistake with no consequences, and complained at length about how unreasonable it was to spell “ocean” like that while she made the corrections.  “I would have liked to just do something  _ right,”  _ she concluded.

“If every pork chop were perfect, we wouldn’t have hot dogs,” Steven told her, pleased to have an opportunity to impart ancestral wisdom.

“What?” she said blankly.

“Oh, uh, gee, how do I explain…”

“A dog is an animal, right?  They look like this.”  She pointed to her drawings of Ocean and Biggs.

“Yes but no?   _ Hot _ dogs are different.”

“Well, I suppose they were cold dogs, since I found them in the snow.”  She was not apparently joking. 

“Time out,” said Amethyst, “you’re not getting anywhere like that.  You,” she said, pointing to Jasper, “are a pork chop.  I,” pointing to herself with both thumbs, “am a hot dog.  You’re a thing that came out how it was supposed to come out.  I’m a thing made out of leftovers that’s kind of disgusting if you think too hard about it but good with lots of mustard.  It’s a metaphor,” she added in response to Jasper’s look of baffled irritation.  

“You’re not disgusting,” Steven protested.

“No?” she said, and stretched out her tongue, stuck it up her own nose and popped the end out of her ear.

“Ew!’ he exclaimed, giggling, and at the same moment a very odd noise escaped from Jasper.  She had clapped her hand over her mouth to stifle it, so it was somewhere between a snort and a sort of mouth fart.

_ “Steven!” _ said Amethyst in tones of theatrical shock. “I think we just heard Jasper  _ laughing!” _  She popped both her eyes out on stalks, which got another snort.  “I got your number!  Gross-out humour!  You are in the right place, baby!”  She turned her arms and legs into a mass of tentacles and whizzed them round and round before abruptly switching the positions of her eyes, ears, mouth and nose.  Jasper still had her hand over her mouth but she was making a wheezy snickering sound, like Muttley, Steven thought, and finally she gave in and just laughed.  It was almost deafening.  Jasper laughing helplessly was quite a sight; her face shone and she shook all over and ended up toppling over on her side to laugh more comfortably in a foetal position.  

Amethyst, more or less the right shape again, jumped on her and blew a raspberry on her cheek which set her off into further gales until tears ran down her face.  Amethyst was bouncing on her happily and she didn’t seem to care at all and Steven found himself dithering between wanting to run and join in and hanging back, not sure this was meant for him too.  He shifted forward and back as if he was trying to get the timing right to hop in under a swinging jumprope, and then went for it and tackled Amethyst.  It turned into a tickle fight in which Jasper was hopelessly outnumbered and also didn’t know how to tickle people, but proved to be extremely ticklish herself, especially at the sides of her waist.  Eventually she rolled onto her belly to trap them both under her until they surrendered.  That ended the fight decisively because she frankly weighed a ton. 

“I don’t know why that was funny,” Jasper said in a thin gasp of a voice, rolling onto her back to catch her breath.  

“‘Cause I’m weird and nasty,” Amethyst said, grinning.  “And you needed a good laugh.”  She flopped down beside Jasper and hugged her arm.  To Steven’s great surprise, Jasper lifted her other arm and dragged both of them into a hug.  He knew she hugged Amethyst, he’d  _ seen _ her hug Amethyst for comfort, but he’d thought that worked between them because of the sister thing and both being real Quartzes; it wouldn’t apply to him (and Jasper still probably didn’t like him that much).  But here he was smushed together with Amethyst inside the ring of Jasper’s heavy, warm arms and it seemed to be for real.  Amethyst didn’t seem to have any problems accepting it, and she usually shrugged this sort of thing off with a joke.  She’d just snuggled down with her head on Jasper’s shoulder.  Steven lay on his side feeling strangely, overly aware of the weight of Jasper’s arm and the rise and fall of her gusty breathing that he could feel through his back.  

_ I wonder,  _ he thought,  _ if this is kind of how a hug from my mom would feel.  She was chubbier than Jasper but they’re about the same size otherwise, right?  I guess Amethyst could tell me how they compare.  It’s so sad and weird.  Here I am wondering if a hug from Jasper feels like a hug from Mom when Mom - even if she didn’t mean to, even if she never wanted to - hurt Jasper worse than I think anyone else did, even Lapis.  Can we really be friends?  I want to so much, I think there really is someone I can like somewhere in there, but what if all the past stuff between us is too much?  She can’t be thinking about it right now, Amethyst made her forget about it… I think Amethyst can really help her where it counts more than I can. _

_ But once she wanted to shatter me and now she’s hugged me.  Once we fought for real and we just had a play-fight that was totally silly.  That’s good, right?  That’s really good. _

Not all their visits went so happily.  Once they found the cave in pitch darkness and Jasper huddled at the back of it, all wound up in her chain.  He sat beside her feeling helpless while Amethyst clambered over Jasper’s legs, crouched down near her head and had a long conversation with her in whispers, occasionally stroking her hair.  The whispering made it so obvious that they needed privacy that he got up to go outside, but Jasper groaned, “See, he’s leaving,” and Amethyst bobbed up to say, “Just hang in there, okay dude?”

“What’s wrong?  Can I help?”

“Uhh…”  Amethyst sounded like she was well out of her depth.  “Well, she’s got into a real deep funk because she feels like she’s worthless and no one would ever want to keep her around.”

“But  _ we _ want you around.  That’s exactly why we’re here.”

“Be nice if you tried to believe me when I tell you stuff like this,” Amethyst grumbled, sitting down with her back against Jasper’s body.  “I’m not comin’ here for my health and Steven’s busting his butt for you and me.”

“Then don’t.  Leave me alone.”  Jasper sounded as if her throat must hurt, more so than usual.

“No,” said Amethyst stubbornly, and gave Jasper a small shove in the shoulder.  “We’re staying and we care about you.  Eat it.”

Steven wasn’t sure if talking tough was a good idea, like speaking Jasper’s language, or if it would just make her feel worse.  He probably couldn’t do any good sitting here by her feet, either way, so he clambered awkwardly over her legs and squooshed in next to Amethyst, the two of them sort of wedged into the corner of her curled-up body that would have been her lap if she’d been sitting up.

“Jasper, you’re not the only one who feels like that, but I really don’t think it’s true.  When the three of us feel like that we should stick together and get each other through it.”  He patted her knee.

“Why would  _ you _ feel like that?” Jasper asked dully.  

“Because I don’t know what to do, and I have to be better than my mom was but I don’t even know how to be as good.  And I stopped growing and I don’t know why and apart from some face fuzz I haven’t started again.  And I messed up with you and Bismuth and Eyeball and the more I find out about everything the more it confuses me.  And I got in an argument online about  _ Crying Breakfast Friends  _ today and I know that shouldn’t bother me so much but I don’t get why people are even fans of a show about  _ being friends _ but act so  _ mean. _  So it’s big things and little things all mixed up.  I don’t feel strong enough or smart enough to handle any of it, and I just think everyone deserves someone better.”

“Well, that’s dumb,” Amethyst said, taking his hand in the dark.  “You do a lot better than I would.”  Jasper sniffed loudly.  She didn’t argue with anything he’d said, but she didn’t say it was true either.  He heard her chain clinking and felt her arm jostling behind him, and then an awkward, heavy pat on his back.  

“If it helps,” she said, “I don’t think your mother was all that great.”

_ “Jas _ per!” Amethyst exclaimed, but Steven had already snorted with uncomfortable laughter.

“I appreciate the thought?  I think?”

“If she was going to leave everything up to you she could have left you some instructions.”

“She left me a nice videotape but it was short on specifics.  But you know, it took me thirteen years to find that, and maybe there’s an instruction book somewhere I just haven’t found yet.  Maybe.  A great big one with a whole  _ chapter _ about how to settle internet arguments.”

“Hrmm,” Jasper said.  She lay quietly curled around the two of them. 

“We’re gonna stay as long as we can,” Amethyst promised her.  “And you’re not gonna feel like this forever, pork chop.”

“Hrmm,” said Jasper again.  They sat with her in the dark for a long time, until Steven woke. 

The next night was supposed to be his to rest in and dream about whatever, but his mind wouldn't cooperate.  At first he seemed to be dreaming he was Christopher Chant moving through the formless Place Between in the slanting rain.  He was looking for the little valley that led to the mysterious Anywhere “that did not want you to go to it,” but he couldn't even sense the way it pushed you back.  

Then the dream shifted so the Place Between was also Beta Kindergarten but at the same time Amethyst’s Kindergarten too.  Every one of the holes in the rock walls was the entrance to an Anywhere, and at the same time every one was a Gem bubble, and every single one didn't want him to go to it.  He could hardly move for the push on him from every direction at once of all them wanting him to go away.  He tried to go back the way he’d come but there was a solid cliff in the way now and he was being buffeted over and over; falling back from one shove meant another one hit him harder from the other side. 

“Please don't!” he cried out.  “I don't want to hurt you!  I’ll go away if you just let me.  I'm sorry!”  It didn't help; they must be terrified of him, they must hate him, their rage and horror and panic were going to crush him. 

_ But what if this is just a thought?   _ It was like stumbling into the eye of a hurricane, the sudden stillness.   _ Or a feeling, I mean, my feelings of guilt and fear, all my worries?  This is a dream.  I know some things in my dreams are real, because other people can remember them too, but that doesn't mean everything is.  If it's a thought or a feeling, I can handle it.  It might be really rough but I can.  What if this  _ is  _ just a feeling? _

The pushing and buffeting was abating and here and there among the rocks and holes he began to see white butterflies.  They still made him uneasy, but they weren't swarming him.  More and more were appearing; he never saw one actually pop into existence but each time he turned his  head to look back at a place he’d just looked away from, they were dotted about more thickly, until they covered the ground like fallen flower petals stirred by tiny breezes.  

_ Are all these me?  Do I  _ have  _ this many feelings?  Maybe they do come from the bubbled Gems, or some of them do, but because it's my dream I can change the form they take.  Maybe I’m just having a weird butterfly dream.  I dunno.  I'm just happy they're not shoving me any more.  _

He couldn't walk through the canyon without crushing butterflies - they had crowded in around him so much that the edges of their wings brushed against his feet, tiny and feather-soft - so he tried floating over them and drifted along slowly.  As he looked around things kept changing, colours shifting from grey and black and violet to rusty reds and tawny yellows.  The place was mostly Beta now, just Beta with butterflies (betaflies?), and when he gently bumped against the wall, like a rubber duck against the side of the bathtub, he looked up and saw the familiar silhouette of Jasper’s cave.  

_ I hope she's okay.   _ He’d been worrying about her off and on all day.  She’d been so down.  Any attempts he’d made to talk as they waited with her in the dark had met with nothing more than vague noises, and eventually he’d subsided into silence, hoping that at least feeling Amethyst and him sitting there leaning against her was comforting her.  It was so  _ quiet  _ in there, like the dark muted everything.  He had wanted to at least hum a tune to soften the silence, but Jasper would probably be annoyed.  

He floated a little higher and into the cave mouth.  There weren't any butterflies in here, so he could let his feet touch the floor.  This close to the outside there was nothing written or drawn on the walls or the floor; you could see the furthest reach of Jasper’s chain based on where the alphabet soup ended.  Or, in this case, because Jasper was lying on the floor on her belly with her chin on her folded arms, as close to the door as she could get.  She looked startled and then embarrassed and then a little suspicious to see him.  That made him pretty sure that what he was seeing was a real part of the dream, not just a dream  _ of _ a dream.  Jasper was experiencing this too.  

“No Amethyst today?” she asked. 

“This is kind of an unscheduled visit so I didn't bring her.  Are you feeling any better?  I’ve been kind of worried.”

Jasper looked down at her arms and picked at one of the blistered green streaks; it looked sort of scabby.  “Better,” she said.  “Mostly embarrassed about that display.  It wore off after a while so I guess I was just being stupid.”

“But feelings come and go,” he said, sitting down cross-legged in front of her.  “That doesn't mean they're not real at the time.  I'm just glad you're not feeling lying-down-in-the-dark bad any more.”

“It's always dark here, though.  Always grey.  If my mind makes a place that's always grey does it even mean anything whether I’m miserable or happy to see you?”

_ “Are _ you happy to see me?” he asked, perking up.

“It’s a relief to see anyone in this hole.”  Jasper peeled a flake of green off her arm and flicked it away, curling her lip in disgust.  She glanced at him sideways and looked away again before adding, “Yes, I’m happy to see you.”

“Sorry I’m not Amethyst.”

“You don’t have to be Amethyst.  A little of her goes a long way.”  She pushed herself up on her elbows and frowned at the grey light that seeped in through the exit hole.  “If you can make unicorns and flowers appear you should be able to do something about that, shouldn’t you?”

“Oh, I’ve tried, believe me, when I was sitting out there playing solitaire and building a sand city.  I could move the clouds around but I couldn’t get rid of ‘em.  We could try again together, though.  Maybe we could give each other enough of a boost to make a difference.”  He offered her his hand, which she looked at skeptically before taking hold of it.  

“Wow, your hands are huge.  Okay, let’s do this.  Close your eyes tight.  Now picture the prettiest, warmest sunbeam you ever saw, all golden and bright with tiny dust specks floating in it like fairies.”  He squeezed his own eyes shut, concentrating on the sunbeam Lion had been napping in the other day, and how incredibly warm and soft his belly fur had been when Steven couldn’t resist sticking his face into it.  Of course, then Lion had closed up on him like a bear trap but it had been worth it.  Lion and Jasper would probably get along okay.

“Can you see the sunbeam just like it was?” he asked.

“Yes,” Jasper said.  “Got it.”

“Good.  Bring it in here slowly.  Let it just slide in through the door, and grow, and shine, until it gets to us.”  He’d believed it could work but when he felt the warmth of it on his back he also felt a little thrill of astonishment as if someone played a tiny ascending xylophone scale on his backbone.  “Can you feel that?  No, I’m blocking it!  Sorry, sorry.”  He kept his eyes shut and rolled to the side, still holding her hand, and heard a very small gasp of shock.

“I can feel it on my face,” Jasper said.  “I can, I’m not imagining it, it’s warm.”  Her voice had gone strange; it was actually hushed.

“Okay, I’m gonna count to three and then we both open our eyes together.”

“But what if when we open our eyes it’s gone?”

“We’ll shut ‘em again and get it back.”

“I can see it  _ through  _ my eyelids, the dark is red.”

“Ready, Teddy?  One.  Two.   _ Three.”   _ He opened his eyes and blinked quickly, adjusting to the light.  The sunbeam he’d had in mind had been an early afternoon one, bright and light golden like lemonade, but he must have just helped Jasper to produce her own version, a glowing beam of sunset orange tinged with rosy pink.  He glanced sideways and found her squinting at it with her mouth open, and gave her a gleeful little nudge with his elbow.  “You did it!”  To his dismay she yanked her hand out of his and covered her face, breathing in sharply.  “Jasper, are you okay?  It worked!  Did the light hurt your eyes ‘cause you’re not used to it any more?”

“I’m all right,” she said.  “I am.”  She sniffed hard and lowered her hands, getting up onto her knees at the very end of her chain’s reach.  He could see it digging into her belly and it looked a little painful, but she clearly wanted to get as close to the light as she possibly could.  

“It’s okay, in a minute your eyes will stop watering.”

“They’re not watering, stupid.”  Jasper sat back on her heels and gave him a brief, rueful, teary smile.  “This is perfect.  I never thought I’d see it again.  This is exactly how the light was the best moment of my life.”

“When was that?”  He could have done without the “stupid” but it was amazing to see this kind of expression on Jasper’s face.  

“Oh, forever ago.”  She wiped under her eyes with her thumb.  “I told Amethyst but I guess she didn’t tell you.  It was the one time I got to talk to Pink Diamond alone and - and she made me feel special, and I felt like everything had been worth it, everything was  _ going _ to be worth it, if I could protect her.”

Steven braced himself for her to descend into self-recrimination for  _ not _ protecting Pink Diamond, but she was looking off to one side, still smiling faintly, at the wall of the cave.  

“Look,” she said, “it’s reaching her.”  The orange glow slanted sidelong over that wall and bathed her drawing of Pink Diamond, turning her shades of peach and apricot.  “She loved the sunset.  At least I can honour her memory with that.”

“Aw, Jasper!”  Even without Amethyst here to take the lead, he felt he could hug her after she said that.  She didn’t quite hug back, but she put her hand on his back and patted it a little.  

“Did you see the new part?” she asked, and although her voice was as rough as usual again she sounded a little hopeful, a little uncertain but eager.  Steven turned to look and saw that she’d added to the mural again.  Next to Amethyst, partly overlapping the purple outline of what she wasn’t, she’d drawn  _ him,  _ stocky and smiling and wearing his crown of rosebuds.  “I decided you belonged on that side if you belonged anywhere.  Deciding I should draw you too got me up and moving again, so… well, it beat lying on my face in the dark.”

“It’s so great!  Thank you, I love it!  You got my best side too.”  Stepping back to look at the whole effect, he realised that she’d drawn an outline of what he wasn’t too, massive and pink.

“I haven’t written the label yet because I realised you people probably have some horrible deceptive way of spelling ‘quartz’ so I wasn’t about to commit myself to anything,” she said.  “But it  _ is _ going to say ‘Steven Quartz Universe.’  That’s the correct form of your name, right?  I wanted to check that too.”

“It’s exactly right and I’ll show you how to spell it.”


	11. Chapter 11

The next time they went to Beta Amethyst was stunned by the sight.  The whole place had been changed by the sky above it; everything was soaked in orange and pink sunset light that broke through the tattered clouds and made them into crimson streamers.  She turned to share her amazement with Steven and found him grinning, unable to contain himself.  He’d been weirdly excited about tonight's trip for how tired and sluggish he was, and now she saw why. 

“You knew about this!  Did you sneak in without me?”

“I didn't sneak!  I kinda drifted in by accident.  Can you believe it?  She was  _ so  _ happy.  We just sort of figured out how to do it on the fly.  Isn't it beautiful?  She says it reminds her of Pink Diamond.”

“Yeah, I bet it does.”  She felt weirdly disgruntled.  Steven wasn't the sneaky type (allowing for the fact they were doing all this in secret) and it wasn't as if he could just have come got her, since she'd been up all night watching  _ Li’l Butler  _ with Peridot, who’d declared it her secondary fandom and made them both black bow ties to wear while watching.  She couldn't really complain about her friends being friends behind her back, especially when she was having formalwear sitcom binges, but it seemed a touch unfair that some kind of breakthrough had happened without her.  She’d logged the hours, after all.  

_ And did she tell Steven the whole Pink Diamond sunset story, the one she’d never told anyone but me?  No, c’mon, don’t be sister-jealous, that’s just weird.  She needs more than one friend she can really talk to.  Still, she told me first. _

They found Jasper was busy making a picture alphabet on a whited-out patch of the floor.  She was very intense and serious about it, and rather than wanting to discuss the amazing sunset sky she clearly wanted Amethyst to notice straight away that she’d chosen “A is for Amethyst” to start off with.  It went on with Beryl, Carnelian, Diamond, Emerald, Feldspar, Garnet, Hematite, Iolite, Jadeite, Kunzite, Lapis Lazuli, Malachite, Nephrite, Opal, Pearl, Quartz, Ruby, Sapphire, Topaz, Uvite, Variscite, a big blank for W, X, Y and then Zoisite.

“Number one,” Amethyst said, inspecting the line-up, “you could totally cheat and put White Diamond and Yellow Diamond in for W and Y, but I can’t help ya with X.  I guess you can cheat again and do Alexandrite or Sardonyx with the X real big.  Number two, why aren’t you in there, dummy?  Lose Jadeite.”

“I don’t want to use White Diamond and Yellow Diamond,” Jasper said, folding her arms.  “I only used Diamond for D because it seems like such a glaring omission not to.”

“No, but seriously, why aren’t you in there?” Steven asked her.  “That’s the glaring omission.  You’ve put in practically everyone we know but not  _ you.” _

“Because - it’s not important anyway.  I just wanted a way to help myself remember the letters without having to  _ sing,” _ Jasper said, scowling.  “I’ve had that stupid tune stuck in my head for what must be hours.”

“The only way to get one song out of your head is to put another song in,” Steven said.  “True fact.”

“Like the old lady who swallowed a fly,” said Amethyst, slinging herself down to lie on the floor.

“Which is a song!”

“Kind of a grim one, though, every verse ends ‘Perhaps she’ll die.’  Jasper needs something peppier and poppier.”  She got comfortable on her back with her arms pillowing her head and one knee up with the ankle of the other leg resting on it.

“I don’t want to hear a song!” Jasper exclaimed.  “Drop it!”

_ “Why _ don’t you like music?” Steven asked.  “You must have a good reason.”

“Because music is never anything good for me.  Music is being bored at balls, music is having to try to be polite and charming to fancy brilliant-cut Gems I don’t give a crap about, music is… it just gets on my nerves, it’s so  _ pretentious _ and it’s all the same.”

“No it’s not!” Steven cried.  “There are so many genres!  There’s music for every feeling you could ever have.  So you don’t like fancy ballroom music, that’s okay, but have you even heard anything else?”

“Can I just interrupt to say that the idea of you trying to be polite and charming is high-larious?” Amethyst asked.  “Also, do you wear a ballgown for this stuff?  Is it really huge and pouffy?”

_ “No, _ I wear my dress uniform, of course.  Hah, if I got to choose what to wear that would be  _ one _ tolerable thing about a ball.”

“Oh, so you would  _ want _ to wear a ballgown?” Amethyst asked, surprised.  She’d been picturing Jasper fuming in the middle of a ridiculous puffy princess dress that she couldn’t really move in, not fuming in a stuffy uniform wishing she was wearing something pretty.

“Why shouldn’t I want to wear a ballgown?” Jasper asked, narrowing her eyes.

“No reason at all,” Steven said hastily.  “I bet you’d look beautiful.”

“It just wouldn’t be  _ my _ style,” Amethyst said.

“What would  _ you _ wear to a ball, then?” Jasper asked.

“You think  _ I’d  _ ever be invited to a ball?  Snort.”

“Obviously you wouldn’t, I’m - what was your expression?  Spitballing you.  It’s hypothetical.”

“Jeez, I dunno.  Can it be a masquerade ball with costumes?  I’d go as Ursula from  _ The Little Mermaid.” _

“I don’t know what any of that is and no, it’s a normal ball.”

“I - don’t - know,” Amethyst said again, irritated into enunciating.  “Whatever I wore I would look weird and stupid and people would laugh at me, so I don’t put a lot of time into thinking about it.  Fancy-schmancy events like that are just not me and I’m not gonna waste my life trying to look good in a ballgown or a tux when I can’t.”  She could see Jasper getting that little puzzled squint again so she quickly added, “A tux is a tuxedo which is a formal suit which is something you need to be taller’n me to look good in.”

“I think you’re wrong,” said Steven.  “I bet if we looked around we could find a perfect dress or a suit for you and you’d look amazing.  Or you could wear a suit jacket on top and a fancy skirt if you wanted.  I didn’t even know you thought you wouldn’t look good dressed up.”

“Look, I live with Garnet and Pearl, and if either of  _ them _ suits up fire alarms go off in town from the hotness, and they are  _ nothing _ like me so I figured out early on if  _ I _ wanted to look good it needed to be a totally different style.  So we’re not going to a ball, I just decided, we’re going to a club and  _ there _ I will look fantastic.  I’m gonna wear a short sparkly dress with leggings and silver sneakers.  Okay?  Problem solved.  Oh, but first I gotta go across town and kidnap-slash-rescue my girl Jasper from the ball, and Stee-man, they’re carding at the door so you’re gonna have to go round the back and we’ll sneak you in through the bathroom window.”

“No, I’ll just call Connie and we’ll go in as Stevonnie.  We’re a better dancer that way too.”

“This plan is really shaping up.  You in, J?”

“The one part of it I understand is that I get to leave the ball and go somewhere else, so I’m in.”

“You get to go somewhere  _ fun,” _ Amethyst said, “with me looking extra swag in silver sneakers, also Stevonnie rocking that barefoot flower child thing of theirs.  But  _ you _ won’t even leave behind a glass slipper for the dogs to sniff.  Yellow Diamond’ll be on the horn going all Liam Neeson at me to bring you back and I’ll just blow a raspberry and throw the phone out the window.”

“I hope that wasn’t my phone,” said Steven, “since Stevonnie’s already helping out as your getaway driver.”

“Yeah!  We stole a car - no, we stole  _ Yellow Diamond’s  _ car.  Big obnoxious yellow Lamborghini.”

“Yeah, I don’t think Dad would lend us the Dondai again after last time.”

“Oh, that worked out fine,” Amethyst said, waving her hand dismissively.  “We ditched it, he reported it stolen, Pearl doesn’t leave fingerprints, he got it back no harm no foul.”

Jasper was looking from one of them to the other.  “I wish I could follow whatever nonsense you two are talking about.”

“I guess we are being a little obscure,” said Steven, chuckling.  “I mean, you did throw in  _ Cinderella _ and  _ Taken _ in one breath, Amethyst.  Sorry, Jasper, it’s gonna take a while for you to catch up on Earth’s fairy tales and action movies, but the good part is you shouldn’t get bored for years.  The short version is we’re just imagining a fun night out - and yeah, you can wear a ballgown if you want to, and Amethyst can wear her silver sneakers.  Hey, Amethyst?  You  _ are _ really different from Garnet and Pearl but I’m glad you know you  _ are _ cute.”

“Shucks,” Amethyst began to say, but was cut off by Jasper snapping, “Don’t call her  _ cute.   _ What kind of thing is that to say?  You’re supposed to be her friend.”

Steven blinked in confusion.  “Uh… I think we might be having a cultural misunderstanding?  Does ‘cute’ mean something bad on Homeworld?”

“It’s not  _ bad,  _ it’s just - look,  _ Pearls _ are cute, that’s fine, it’s how they’re supposed to be, it’s demeaning to say that to a  _ Quartz.” _

“Care to explain that?” Amethyst asked.  She was thinking she might have to get a little mad on Pearl’s behalf.

“Look,” said Jasper, clearly frustrated that it wasn’t obvious to them and she had to keep going over it, “Pearls are  _ cute,  _ they’re  _ pretty,  _ in a - in a harmless, soft, decorative,  _ frilly _ way.  That’s nice to have around but it’s not  _ beautiful,  _ it’s not  _ powerful _ or strong.  Cute is  _ weak.   _ Calling you cute is saying you’re less than you should be.  I mean, even more so.  Damn it… this is hard to explain so…”

“So it doesn’t sound mean?  Maybe that’s ‘cause it’s just mean no matter how you slice it.”

“I’m not trying to be mean to you!  I was standing up for you because I think you’re better than that!”

“Uh,” said Steven, raising his hand, “I thiiiink maybe part of the problem here is that you’re thinking with a really narrow definition of ‘cute.’  Like you have a narrow idea of music.  You can’t help it if that’s all you’ve known, but you need to listen when we’re telling you there’s a lot more to it than that.  You can be cute  _ and _ strong, and Pearl  _ is, _ and so is Amethyst in a different way.  I mean, there’s so many kinds of cute.  You’ve got puppy cute, you’ve got kitten cute…”

“Frog cute,” Amethyst put in.  She’d always felt she was more frog cute than kitten cute.

“I know, frogs are  _ so _ cute!  And cute isn’t even always how things  _ look. _  I guess I see now why you got steamed when I said you were being cute the other day, but what I meant was it made me really happy seeing how hard you were trying and how serious you are about anything you really want to do, no matter how small it is, and how funny but nice it is seeing a great big warrior like you really carefully practising letters and whispering the ABC song to herself!  It was sweet!”

_ Aha,  _ thought Amethyst,  _ an opening. _  “And when Pink Diamond called you  _ sweet,” _ she said, “did you think she was saying you were less than you were meant to be?”

Jasper’s face reddened and she looked thunderous.   _ “No.” _

“There you are then,” said Steven.  “That’s the kind of thing we’re talking about when we say you’re cute.  That you can be strong and sweet too.   _ But _ if you don’t like being called that word I won’t use it on you any more.  I just wanted to clear that up.”

“I don’t care what you say about me,” Jasper grumbled, “I was just trying to stick up for Amethyst.”

“Okay, good, but we have to stick up for Pearl,” Amethyst said.  “She may be an uptight needle-nosed nerd but she’s  _ way _ more than decorative and we want you to get that.  Okay?”

“Okay,” Jasper muttered.  “I get it, you don’t have to go  _ on.” _

“Changing the subject a little,” Steven said, “I just remembered something I was wondering about.  When we first met you, you said Pearl was defective after just looking at her once.  But later on Peridot said she was fancy, and Peridot’s really technical and also not super tactful, so if Pearl _ looked _ defective I’m sure she would have said so.  What did  _ you _ mean?”

“Oh.  All right, firstly, it’s a really basic strategy.  Before you fight someone, if you can say something that demoralises them it gives you an advantage.  You just go for what’s most obvious - frankly, you take a cheap shot.  And the obvious thing about your Pearl right then was that she was standing there holding a spear glaring at me as if she could fight.  That’s ridiculous.”

“But it’s  _ not, _ because Pearl’s an amazing fighter,” Steven said.  “You’ve never really met her so you couldn’t know, but you remember your fight with Stevonnie?  Pearl  _ trained _ Stevonnie.  Well, mainly she trained Connie and me separately but some of the time fused.  So just stop and think about  _ that _ for a sec.  Wasn’t an easy fight, was it?”

“Stevonnie’s a fusion, though,” Jasper said.  

“So what?  You think they could take you just ‘cause they’re a fusion if nobody taught them how to fight properly?  Stevonnie’s that good because of Pearl.  I think if you just remember to keep an open mind Pearl is really gonna impress you.   _ And _ if you’re still thinking fusions always have an unbeatable advantage, I have personally with my own eyes seen  _ Pearl _ on her own beat  _ Sugilite. _  That’s a fusion of Amethyst and Garnet, so really three gems total.  She’s  _ ginormous.” _

“Full credit to Pearl,” said Amethyst, “but you’re not telling the story right if you don’t mention she won by trickery.  She got Sugilite to bean herself with her own bopper.”

“A win is a win, especially when the other person is like twenty times your size.”

“You were fighting amongst yourselves?” Jasper asked.  “What happened?”

“Ugh, things got outta hand,” Amethyst admitted.  “It wasn’t supposed to be a fight, Garnet and I teamed up to solve a problem and… then we were the new problem.  Sugilite was having fun, we were having fun  _ being _ Sugilite, and she didn’t wanna split up.”

“I didn’t know that happened with cross-Gem fusions,” Jasper said, “that they could take on a will of their own like that.”

“They’re  _ supposed  _ to have a will of their own.  Will’s not a problem, it’s just Sugilite has no  _ chill.”   _

“It doesn’t happen with same-Gem fusions.  You just get a bigger, stronger Jasper or whatever and the ranking Gem takes the lead.”

“So you’d done  _ that  _ kind of fusion before?”  Amethyst rolled over onto her tummy and propped her chin up on her hands.

“We’re trained to for emergencies,” Jasper said, nodding, “but it feels  _ nothing _ like fusing with a different Gem.  That’s…”  She fell silent, clutching her hands together in her lap.  “I guess it’s just normal to you, though.”

“It’s still  _ special,  _ though.  Like it’s never exactly the same twice.  Plus, I’d made a Smoky Quartz before, with Rose, but she was different from  _ our _ Smoky Quartz, me and Steven’s.  I didn’t know that was gonna happen and it was so cool!”

“Really?  What was old Smoky like?” Steven asked.

“All covered with cheese.”

“That’s on top of  _ spaghetti. _  C’mon.”

“She was the same kinda shape but taller, she had longer hair and this fluffy ruffled ra-ra skirt thing.  Four arms, not three, not sure what was up with that.  She always had the yo-yo, though.  It was all new to  _ her, _ though,  _ our _ Smoky.  I can’t wait to see what the new Rainbow Quartz is like.  Or the new… no, ya know what, I’ll let  _ that _ one be a surprise, unless Garnet wants to fill you in.”

“Awww!”  Steven pouted at her.  Amethyst turned toward Jasper, ready to laugh with her at Steven’s silly boo-boo face, and found her hanging her head, looking away from them.

“Hey, what’s wrong?”  She ducked her own head, trying to catch Jasper’s eye.

“Nothing.  Sorry.  Nice you’ve got that to look forward to.”

“Ah, jeez, I’m sorry.  We shouldn’t go on about how much fun our fusion is when… but hey, don’t get too down about it.  You’re not gonna be in here forever and when you get out we can see what you get if you smush a Jasper and an Amethyst together.”  She gave Jasper a friendly nudge in the arm.

“Are you serious?” Jasper asked sharply.  “There’s no way I’m putting you at risk of  _ this.” _  She gestured at the streak of flaking green corruption across her face.  “Don’t forget this is only what it looks like in here.  It’s not just some kind of skin condition.  I’m not letting you turn into a monster too.”

“But… you’ll be better then,” Steven said earnestly.  “All better.  It’ll be safe, and this time you can do it right, with someone you care about because you both want to.  It’ll bring you closer, and make you stronger together, and it’ll be  _ great. _  Don’t stop hoping for that, Jasper.”

“Hey.  Thank you.”  Amethyst got up and scooted herself over beside Jasper and hugged her arm.

“I don’t know what for.”

“Wanting to protect me from the creeping crud, duh.”

“This garbage planet doesn’t need any more abominations running around on it,” Jasper said gruffly.

“I don’t think it’s gonna happen, though.  I think you’re gonna be okay.”

“Think what you want, just don’t try anything stupid.  Or you,” she added, pointing at Steven.

“Well, we can’t just jump on you and fuse if you don’t let us,” he said reasonably.

“No, but you’re the kind of bleeding heart who might get too close to a corruption trying to help it.  Be careful.  If you get yourself all messed up don’t expect  _ me _ to find a way to crawl into your head and un-mess you.  You’ll be on your own.”

“That sounds like something someone who’d try to find a way to crawl into your head would say,” Amethyst said, grinning.

“But I couldn’t.  I couldn’t do anything,” Jasper said, frowning and picking at the green streaks on her arm.  “And as strange as I find it myself, it’s got to the stage where I’d hate for something bad to happen to you.  I’m  _ not  _ used to feeling like this about anyone and it’s especially weird that it’s you two, so I just need you to bear with me and not…”

“It’s okay,” Steven said, beaming.  “We promise.”

“Okay.  Good.  Ugh, short people smiling at me, this is just unsettling.  Change the subject.”

“A nice song always lifts the mood,” Steven suggested with tremendous, obvious slyness.

“Oh, for… all right.  There’s no point fighting it, sing a damn song.”

“With accompaniment!” Steven said.  He held out his hands and dreamed an instrument into existence.

“What’s  _ that _ little thing?”

“This is a ukulele!  It’s a baby Hawaiian guitar and the name means jumping flea.  Pretty much my signature instrument.  Amethyst, you want me to whip up some drums for you?”

“Nah, I’m good.”  She was comfortable leaning against Jasper and honestly, as much as she loved a racket she thought playing drums in this enclosed space would just give everyone a splitting headache.

“Okay… let’s see, what would be a good song for here and now?  This is one I wrote a while ago called ‘Be Wherever You Are.’”

Jasper listened to Steven’s sweet little song with a deepening frown.  When it ended and he looked to her with a huge, expectant grin, she said ungraciously, “Well, it’s not like any music  _ I’ve _ ever heard.”

“That’s the point, sourpuss,” Amethyst said, poking her in the side.

“Yep!” said Steven.  “What’d you think?”

“I don’t know what I think.”

“Well, how did it make you  _ feel? _  In your head or your tummy or your feet or whatever?”

“Uh…”  To her credit, Jasper did seem to be trying to articulate some kind of response.  “I don’t  _ know. _  The plinking sound is kind of pleasant?  I guess?  It’s interesting how your voice is still your voice but different?  I don’t  _ want _ to be wherever I am, though, wherever I am is terrible.”

“You’ve done a lot to make it better, though,” Steven said, nodding to the sunset light spilling over the illustrated walls.  “But okay, how about something different?  I didn’t write this one but I really like it.  I wonder if I should conjure a banjo?  Nah, I’ll keep going like this.”  He played “The Rainbow Connection.”

_ “Are _ there all that many songs about rainbows and what’s on the other side?” was Jasper’s main comment.

“Tell you the truth, I’ve only ever heard one,” Amethyst said, shrugging.  “It’s not like there’s a whole lotta room left over in the songs about rainbows niche after ‘Somewhere Over the Rainbow.’”

“And now Jasper can hear it!  Although my version is more influenced by Israel Kamakawiwo’ole than Judy Garland.  Well, obviously, right?” 

“Obviously!” said Jasper, rolling her eyes, but she listened more patiently while he sang.  “Okay,” she said when he’d finished.  “That song is about wanting to escape, right?  Because I can relate to that.”

“Yeah, kind of,” Steven said.  “Dorothy isn’t really  _ unhappy _ where she is, she’s just kinda bored and dissatisfied and feels like people don’t understand her, so I guess she wants to escape to have an adventure.”

“I didn’t know you were  _ allowed _ to write songs about wanting to escape,” Jasper said.  “The songs I know are all about celebration and praise and power and singing that you wish you could go somewhere else would  _ not _ fly.  Over the rainbow or anywhere else.  Are there… songs about flying too?”

“Oh my gosh,  _ so _ many.  Definitely way more than songs about rainbows.  I don’t know where to start!”

“Start anywhere.”

With that helpful direction, Steven started off with “Straighten Up and Fly Right,” which ran into a few hitches due to Jasper not knowing what a monkey  _ or  _ a buzzard was, but he persevered and over the next however long it was he and Amethyst sang every song vaguely connected with flight that they could think of; songs about birds, planes, Superman, balloons (she got extremely indignant about “99 Red Balloons” because if the ninety-nine knights of the air had just  _ followed _ their orders to identify, clarify and classify the whole crisis could have been averted, and it would not have been allowed to happen on  _ her _ watch), kites, the sky, air and space generally.  She listened to everything with her chin balanced on her fists and an intimidatingly intense expression of concentration.  She was like a cat watching a mousehole, Amethyst thought.  She kept hoping that Jasper would start to sing along or at least hum, but she only listened intently, even though she asked to hear some songs two or three times (and “Blackbird” four).  

After the final chorus of “Learn to Fly,” Steven admitted he was pooped.  “I don’t know  _ what _ I’m gonna feel like when I wake up, but I’ve never been so tired at the same time as being asleep.”

“Does it really deplete your energy that much to do this?” Jasper asked.

“What can I say?  My squishy pink human body may be really cute, but it’s got its limits.”  He yawned hugely and the ukulele disappeared in a little scatter of stardust.  “I don’t think I’m gonna last a lot longer.  Jasper, would it be okay if we missed a visit?  It’s my own fault I doubled up but if I don’t catch up on my sleep it’ll mess me up.  I think I’ll have to fake sick tomorrow and see if I can sleep all day.”

“Tell Pearl you’ve got the trots and she will ask  _ no _ follow-up questions,” Amethyst said.

“But that means I have to get up and go to the bathroom for realism.”

“So… oh, I know.  You get up, at least enough to get your clothes on and look convincing.  Then you just say you’re gonna spend some time in Rose’s room, which Pearl will also not question like, ever, and once you get in there ask it to make you the most restful bed ever, flop on it and pass out.  Bing bang boom.”

“That should work with Pearl, but I just always worry Garnet’s going to catch on,” Steven sighed.

“What would they do if they caught you?” Jasper asked.  

“I don’t think they’d  _ do _ anything…”

“I mean, would they stop you coming here?”

“I don’t think there’s any way they  _ could.” _

“If they can’t stop you, why not just tell them and simplify things?”

“Because… I don’t know, I just… it would be so, they’d be upset, they’d be mad, I feel so awful if they’re mad at me, they wouldn’t understand…”  Steven paused, visibly dithering.  “And we just wanted to be able to bring you out all better and ready to make a fresh start and they’d be so impressed there wouldn’t be any room to be mad.”

Jasper’s frown deepened.  “What kind of leader are you?  If you know you’re doing the right thing, you show them it’s right and they’ll have to accept it.”

“I’m the kind of leader who’s still just a kid!  And I need to live with them, and I love them and I don’t wanna let them down!”

“Come on Jasper, don’t be so hard on him,” Amethyst protested.  “He’s really tired.”

“And would he have to be so tired if he told them what he was doing and said this is how it’s going to be, now I’m going to recharge myself or whatever it is you do?  I’m trying to  _ help _ but it seems like I only get knocked back when I do that!”  Jasper jumped to her feet, her eyes blazing and her hair bristling.  “Don’t force yourself to come here if it’s such a huge problem!  I never asked you to!”

“You’re  _ being _ a  _ jerk!” _ Amethyst yelled, scrambling to her feet.  “Simmer down!”

“Because I’m nothing but a jerk!  I can’t stick up for anyone or help anyone,  _ oh _ no, everything I do is just  _ mean!   _ Well, what do you expect from a  _ brute?” _

“No one’s callin’ you a brute but you!”

“Please don’t fight!” Steven said plaintively.  “Weren’t we just having a good time?”

“Of course you were!  I ruin everything!” Jasper roared into his face.  It actually blew back his hair, and he looked stunned.

“C’mon Steven, we’re leaving.”  Amethyst put her hands on his shoulders and started to march him to the door.  “You can’t talk to us like that,” she said to Jasper, “I  _ told  _ you.”

She wasn’t prepared for how horrified Jasper looked.   _ Oh crud, she thinks I mean we’re leaving forever. _  And Steven was starting to blink and flicker with exhaustion, or just because this was turning into a really bad dream and he wanted to wake up, and she began to blink out with him, and there wasn’t going to be time to explain, and she was too frustrated for words.

“Don’t go!” Jasper cried, and Steven tried to say something, but before he could get it out Jasper had lunged forward, dropping to her knees, and threw a loop of her chain around the pair of them and pulled it tight.  Amethyst caught her breath in shock.  The chain was  _ cold _ and its links bit into the pudge of her bare arms, but more than that, the fading blinking feeling was gone and she was  _ there _ more solidly, she now realised, than she’d ever been.  She heard Steven, crushed against her, squeak.  For just a fraction of a second Jasper’s expression was triumphant, not to say a trifle crazed, and then she too inhaled sharply, her eyes widening and her face going pale.  The chain dropped and clattered on the floor.

“I’m sorry.  I’m so sorry.  Are you okay?”  She reached out to them and snatched her hands back before they touched.  “I didn’t - please believe me, I didn’t mean - I didn’t think - are you okay?”

“I’m - I think so,” Steven said faintly.  “Are you okay, Amethyst?”

“I’m fine,” Amethyst said through her teeth.  She wanted to explode but knew she had to keep a lid on it.  She nudged Steven behind her and looked Jasper in the eye.  “What was that, Jasper?”

“I panicked,” Jasper said, her voice fainter than Steven’s.

“You trying to  _ trap _ us, sis?”

“I thought you weren’t coming back - I shouldn’t have done that, I shouldn’t have, please believe me, I’m so sorry.”  She was cringing.

“I think she’s really sorry,” Steven began to say.

“No, shh, I have to be the big sister now.  Jasper, we’re going.  We’re going to come back when Steven’s rested,  _ if _ I think it’s safe.”

“Please don’t, I promise, what can I do to show you -”  Jasper sounded frantic; her hands kept darting out and she kept snatching them back as if she didn’t trust them now.

“Amethyst,” said Steven, tugging on her arm, “we -”

“We’re going,” Amethyst repeated firmly, “and coming back when it’s safe.  Come on.  Wake us up.”

“I’m trying to.  I think we’re stuck.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter ends with a smash cut to black and the chorus of "Bring Me to Life" by Evanescence
> 
> Also, apropos of nothing, I wondered if anyone would comment but they didn't: Jasper's gem alphabet includes the whole dang Dark Kingdom because she still has a streak of villainy and because I love them very much. Except Jadeite. Except I sort of love him too in his utter uselessness. PGSM did a lot to endear at least that version of Jadeite to me. Danburite would've made it in there too, except he only exists in the Sailor V manga so he's super obscure, also a dick, also it really would have seemed strange not to include Diamond. Danburite is like the Pete Best of the Dark Kingdom.


	12. Chapter 12

It was a bad moment.  Amethyst and Steven stared at each other in stunned silence.  The only sound in the cave was Jasper’s hoarse breathing.   _ She sounds like she’s sawing wood, _ Amethyst thought irritably, and at least the irritation broke her out of the shock.  

“We can’t be  _ stuck,” _ she said.  “It’s a dream so we can always wake up.  Maybe we went deeper asleep or something, but we’re not stuck.”

Steven looked down at their feet.  “Oh!  We’re still standing inside the chain.  Maybe it works like a magic circle.”  He hopped out of it, grabbing Amethyst’s hand and pulling her with him.  “How about now?  … No.”

“How did you  _ do _ that?” Amethyst demanded, turning to Jasper.  “Some kind of trick you learned from Lapis?”

“No!  I didn’t know it was going to  _ do _ that!”

“Then why’d you do it, huh?  What’d you think it  _ would _ do?  ‘Cause the only way that makes sense is if you thought it’d make us have to stay!”

“I wanted you to stay but I didn’t expect it to  _ work,” _ Jasper said.  “I wasn’t thinking straight, I’m trying to tell you, I panicked.  It was the wrong thing to do, I know it, all right?  But I swear I didn’t do it knowing what would happen.  I never learned any kind of tricks, I can’t do  _ any _ of the thngs she could do.”

“Well, it sure looks like you can do  _ something _ weird!  Undo it and let us out right now!”

“But I already let go.  I’m not trying to keep you here.  I don’t know what else to do.”  She held her big hands up helplessly.

“I think you’re telling the truth,” Steven sighed.  “Hooboy.  I’m not the only one who gets powers and doesn’t know how they work.”

“This isn’t a power, it’s a mess!  I really  _ do _ ruin everything.”

“Welcome to the club!” he said, with a feeble effort at a laugh.  “Uh, okay.  Let’s just… take a moment and… this is going to be okay, I know it doesn’t seem like it now, but it’s going to be okay.  I need to sit down.”  He did so in a way that implied his legs weren’t feeling too sturdy.  “Need to think.”

Amethyst plunked herself down beside him and sat with her knees drawn up and her arms wrapped around them tight, trying to hold in the anger.   _ If I blow up I’m just as bad as she is.  Well, I know I’m just as bad as she is, that’s sort of the point.  Of all the stupid things to do!  No freaking need!  Why’d she have to go off like that?  I’m stewing, I need to stop stewing.  Damn it!  That stupid chain!  She’s doing it to  _ herself.   _ She’s holding  _ onto _ it right now. _

Jasper had gathered the loop of chain into her hands and was crouching holding it to her chest, the links clinking faintly as she fumbled it like worry beads.  She was watching Steven as if she honestly thought he was going to sit for a few minutes and solve the whole stupid problem  _ she’d _ created when he was already tired to death and that was at least half Amethyst’s fault too because she’d  _ known _ he was more tired than usual before they started tonight, even if she hadn’t known why, and she should have called it off but she’d wanted so much to see stupid emotional-overkill  _ Jasper. _

Steven might be trying to think but he looked like he was half tranced out, and you couldn’t go to sleep inside a dream, could you?  That was too many layers for her to think about, and she was  _ pissed. _

She sprang up and marched over to Jasper and grabbed the chain out of her hands, jerking it.  “Take it off!”

“I can’t!” Jasper said, startled.

“Take it  _ off!” _

“You know I can’t!  You tried to cut it off yourself!”

“Well that was stupid!  Big mistake, I treated it like a real thing and now you think it’s a real thing and you’re making it real!  Take the damn thing  _ off!” _  She pulled the chain taut, planted her foot on Jasper’s belly and shoved.

“Amethyst!” Steven shouted in alarm.

Jasper went “oof” when Amethyst pushed with her foot, but she was far too solid and stubborn to just fall back, and her eyes sparked dangerously.  “Cut that out!”

“Take it off!”  She knew she was being stupid but she was so  _ mad  _ and if Jasper would just  _ try _ instead of sitting like a lump saying she couldn’t maybe something would  _ happen. _  “I’ll frickin’ make you!”  There was some yield in Jasper’s midsection, there had to be, pudge was obviously a Quartz thing, and she’d squeezed her own pudgy behind through enough tight spots to know it squashed.  She yanked on the chain and pushed with her foot and managed to get the toe of her boot shoved in good between the chain and Jasper’s belly.  Somehow that was going to help.

“Get  _ off!” _ Jasper bellowed, planting her hand on Amethyst’s face, which it entirely covered, and pushing her back by the simple method of straightening her arm  _ hard. _

Amethyst twisted her head to one side and spat, “I’ll hold it for you!  Shrink  _ out  _ of it!”

“You never taught me shrinking, you purple moron!”

“It’s instinct, you orange meathead!  You’ll  _ do  _ it if you have to!”

“Both of you  _ stop it!” _ Steven yelled, trying ineffectually to grab both Jasper’s arm and the chain as they strained between the two bodies.  

“Do it!”

“Get  _ off _ of me!”

“I’ll  _ show _ you!”  She tried to shapeshift her leg into a kind of tyre jack she could slide further between the chain and Jasper’s waist but at the same time she was doing that Jasper was doing  _ something,  _ possibly an attempt to shapeshift and possibly just fighting her, and Steven was yelling and tugging at them and she was trying to avoid hurting him and for a second there things became very confused and then  _ whump. _

She was inside the chain, her back against Jasper’s belly and the chain wrapped snug and tight around them both.  

“Oh for Pete’s  _ sake!” _ Steven exclaimed, and Jasper gave a kind of wordless screech of wrath.  “Everyone stop touching the chain!  Nothing good happens if you mess with the chain!  Amethyst, are you okay?”

“That didn’t go how I was thinking,” Amethyst admitted, looking at the glassy links around her waist.

“You weren’t  _ thinking! _  I should twist your head off and throw it out the door!” Jasper snarled.

“Well you didn’t think either!”

“Then you shouldn’t have done the same stupid thing I did right after you watched me  _ do _ it!”

“This isn’t the same stupid thing!  It’s a different stupid thing!”  She struggled to get loose, her legs jerking and her heels drumming against Jasper’s gut.

“You kick me one more time and I’ll —”

“You’ll what, huh?”

There was a boom and a swish and they were both deluged by freezing cold water.  It knocked the fight straight out of them.  After a moment’s breathless silence, Amethyst squeegeed the curtain of wet hair off her face with her hand and looked up.  There was a large cartoon bucket teetering in the air above them, its rim still dripping.  Steven’s imagination.  A weak giggle escaped from her, but when she looked at him there were angry tears in his eyes and his face was scarlet.

“Sorry,” she muttered.  She couldn’t see Jasper behind her, but she could feel her doing her own squeegeeing.

“None of us are all that smart,” Steven said, “but we’re not that dumb either so let’s not act like it.  Okay?”

“Okay.”

“Jasper?”

“I have one question,” Jasper said.

“Yeah?”

“Can you make this water go away again or should I shake myself dry?”

“I — neither, just sit it out.  Drip-dry.”

“Okay,” she said, as close to meekly as she’d probably ever get.

“I’m sorry too.  I know water isn’t a good thing for you.”

“It’s not my favourite thing in the world but it’s not the worst either.”  She gathered a bunch of her hair together and wrung the water out of it.

“We need to stop and think.  Do this like smart people like Pearl and Connie.  What do we know about this situation?  Hold on.”  Although he was swaying on his feet he summoned up a whiteboard and fumbled up a marker from the floor.

ONE — FIGHTING WITH EACH OTHER WON’T HELP, he wrote at the top.  “Okay, I’ll take suggestions.  Think about it.”  He summoned a pink inflatable armchair and flopped into it with a squeak and a sigh.

They dripped and considered.  Jasper wrung more water out of her hair, which seemed to be as absorbent as a sponge.

“This chain can definitely stretch or grow or something,” Amethyst said.  “It’s not any tighter, is it, J?  But it’s going round me too.  So it’s not like a real chain and we shouldn’t treat it like a real chain.”

Steven heaved himself off his armchair and wrote TWO — NOT A REAL CHAIN (STRETCHY).

“But,” said Jasper hesitantly, “once you make a thing in here it stays.  None of the things you’ve brought me have ever disappeared or run out.  My sunset hasn’t changed into twilight or night.”

“But I can send things away,” Steven said.  “Like the unicorn, or the ukulele just now.  So even though you haven’t done it yet, it makes sense if you can too.”  He wrote on the board, THREE — MADE UP THINGS ARE LIKE REAL BUT NOT PERMANENT and flopped down again.  “You wanna try that now?”

“Now, soaking wet with Amethyst _ tied _ to me?”

“I’m so tired I’m seeing two of you sometimes and I’m still doing it, so yeah.”

“I — I don’t want to change the sunset,” Jasper said hastily.  “I like it too much.  Can I try to make something else and send that away?”

“Okay.”  He heaved himself up one more time and wrote FOUR — IT’S JUST A THOUGHT.

“But it’s not just a thought, it’s really happening to me,” Jasper objected.

“And me,” said Amethyst, raising her hand.

“Thoughts  _ are _ something that happens to you,” he said, sinking down again.  “Garnet’s been trying to teach me and Connie about it to help us with fusion.  It’s not that they’re not there or important, it’s that… I don’t get it all yet, it’s not like you can choose not to  _ have _ a thought or a feeling but you can sort of stand back from it and remind yourself it  _ is _ a thought or a feeling, it’s not everything and it might not be true.  I’m sorry I didn’t say this sooner, I don’t always remember it when I need to.  Garnet says you’ve got to practise a lot to make it into a habit.  Amethyst… did Garnet ever teach you about this?”

Amethyst hung her head.  “She tried.  With me and Pearl when we couldn’t form Opal for a while.  We were too mad and I got bored really easily and Pearl would  _ always _ stress about something and after a while Garnet got real quiet and said let’s try again another time and then we never did.”

“Oh,” he said, a little guiltily.  “Sorry.”

“Don’t worry about it, we’ve all passed a lotta water since then.  Well, I have.”

“So,” Jasper said slowly, “your point is that by reminding myself the chain’s really a thought or a feeling, I could, what, get some control over it?”

“At least not be trapped by it,” he said, nodding, and yawned.  “So I think the next thing is… is what kind of a thought or a feeling is it?”

“A trapped feeling,” Jasper said.  “Or a feeling of being trapped or whichever way round you want to put it.”

“Is it like how you felt under the sea with Lapis?” he asked cautiously.

Jasper was silent for a few moments.  Amethyst wished she could turn round and see her properly but wiggling and squirming was the last thing she should be doing right now.  “A little,” she said.  “But it’s also different because that was being trapped together and this is about being trapped alone.  It’s…”  She faded out again for a while.  “It might not even be one thought,” she said.  “It’s complicated.  I guess that’s why it’s a lot of links.”

“Okay,” said Steven, yawning hugely.  “I’m interested, I really am.  So there’s the thought of being trapped, and what else?”

“The thought I’m alone,” Jasper said quietly.  When she got quiet the jagged edge of her voice smoothed off a little, Amethyst thought.  It was like the difference between fangs and… chewing teeth, maybe.  It was still a deep rough voice that was never going to be soft.  “That I’m alone, I’ve always been alone, I’m always going to be alone.”

“You’ve got us,” Amethyst pointed out.

“I have now, but I still feel like I’m going to lose you, and it’ll be my own damn fault.  Trapping you with me would be the worst thing I could do because you’d just learn to hate me faster.”

“That’s a feeling you have,” Steven said gently.  “Try to remember that instead of saying it like it’s a fact.  Is there something else?”

Jasper was quiet for even longer before she said, “And the thought that this is how it should be.  I should be locked up.  Lapis knew me better than anyone has and that’s what she told me.”

Steven winced, and Amethyst felt herself cringe.  It was so hard to match up the things Jasper said about Lapis with, well, nice chill Lapis who caught fireflies and snorted when she laughed and was best friends with Peridot and who Steven loved, but then she remembered terrifying water tower Lapis and didn’t know which was real.

“Well, Lapis could be wrong about that,” Steven said.  “Don’t you think?”

“Don’t see how.”

“Because… I think maybe you’re… put it this way, you were sure when you showed up on the boat that you knew how she would feel, and she didn’t at all.  That could go both ways.  She might not understand  _ you _ even after all that time together.”

“But she’s so much smarter than I am,” Jasper said wretchedly.  “I try to use my head, not just as a battering ram, I try to think things through, but you’ve seen what happens.  If I don’t have someone intelligent like Yellow Diamond to give me a strategy, I end up… I just have to face up to what I am.  I’m a brute.  I’m big and strong and stupid.  There’d still be a use for me, but I’m - I’m mean, I hurt people to feel better, I  _ use _ people to feel good about myself and then I hate both of us, I… that’s why.  Lapis understood that about me because she’s smart and because I guess it takes one to know one.  That’s why I should be locked up,” she finished, her voice so low it was hard for once to hear her.  She sniffed hard.  “You asked.  Don’t blame me if you don’t like the answers.”

“Listen, I can’t hug you strapped to you like this, but you can hug me if you want,” Amethyst said.

“I don’t want to hug you, you little Assmethyst.”

“Hey,” Steven said reproachfully.

“No, it means we’re good,” Amethyst said.  “Sister code.”

“Oh.  Oh, okay.”  Steven seemed to refocus with an effort.  “I’m… I’m glad you told us you’re feeling that way, it’s important to know.  I just… oh gosh, Jasper, please don’t keep telling yourself that.  It doesn’t have to be that way.”

“Once we get you out of here I don’t want you to come back,” Jasper said in a sudden rush.  “Just don’t, don’t worry about me, and don’t waste any more of your energy.  It’s not worth it.  You look terrible.”

“I’m just  _ tired,” _ Steven grumbled, rubbing his eye with the heel of his hand.  “And you don’t get to decide what’s worth my energy, I do.  And — and I’m going to be the leader, and I know it’s right to keep trying with you, so I’ll show you it’s right and you’ll have to accept it.  So there.”

“You didn’t waste any time throwing  _ that _ back in my face,” Jasper muttered.  She looked away from Steven, putting her cheek down on top of Amethyst’s head as she closed her arms around her.

“Jasper, for real, when you get thoughts like that — you don’t have to not believe it or not feel that way, I know you can’t just shut it off — but please, say ‘that doesn’t have to be true.’  Just that much, it doesn’t  _ have _ to be true.  Get that little eensy-weensy bit of doubt in there.”

“I can try,” she mumbled.

“That’s a start,” Amethyst said, giving Jasper’s arms a squeeze.

“And you do it too, Amethyst, and I’m going to do it, as much as I can remember to, and we’ll all remind each other.  When we think  _ I’m not good enough  _ or  _ I’m going to disappoint everyone _ or  _ I’m defective  _ or  _ I should be locked up _ what do we say?”

“That doesn’t have to be true,” Jasper and Amethyst chorused dutifully, a little out of sync.

“Right on.  And now I’m so tired I’m just going to find out if you  _ can _ go to sleep in a dream.  Will you guys keep an eye on me?  ‘Cause I really can’t stay awake any more, and this feels  _ so _ weird.”

“Course we will,” Amethyst said, trying to stamp down on her worries about whether he’d just sink down into deeper and deeper layers of dreaming until he couldn’t come back at all.

“Jasper, can I borrow your cloud pillow please?”

“Oh.  Of course, it’s really yours anyway.”  She clambered to her feet, made awkward by Amethyst hanging off her.

“Sorry dude.”

“Just try not to get in the way.”  Jasper went to the back of the cave where the shadows were still deep, Steven following her, yawning more often than he took normal breaths.  She turned on the lantern, rummaged around, found the pillow under a drift of crumpled tissues and offered it to him.  “How does this help?  I mean, what do you have to do to sleep?  Sleep yourself?  What do you say?”

“Sleep or go to sleep.  I need to get comfy and lie on something soft.”  He curled up on his side and tucked the pillow under his head.

“You’re on a rock floor, that isn’t very soft,” Jasper pointed out.  “It’s not going to work, is it?”

“Well it’s… it’s sandstone, that’s softer than  _ some _ rocks,” he murmured drowsily.

“If he’s tired enough it doesn’t matter,” Amethyst said.  “But he’d sleep  _ better _ on something soft.”

“I don’t have anything else soft.  Unless — I could pile up a lot of tissues and put that shawl thing over them, maybe…”

“Pork chop, listen.  If you can make a sunset I’ll bet dollars to doughnuts you can make a mattress or a big cushion.  Just make it up.”

“Futon’d do,” Steven murmured.

“I don’t know what that is.  Um.  Look, I’ll try, but you can’t blame me if it’s terrible.”

“Words to live by,” Amethyst said, shrugging.

Jasper shut her eyes, frowning in concentration, then covered her eyes with her hands as if that helped.  Something white and blurry appeared on the floor beside Steven.  It didn’t quite come into focus before it winked out.

“You were about halfway there,” Amethyst said, hoping that was encouraging.  “Go again.”

“Ugh,” said Jasper, pressing on her eyes.  The white blur appeared again, gradually thickening and solidifying to become a larger copy of the cloud pillow.  “That’s the best I can do so it’ll just have to do,” she snapped.  

“That’s great, he’s gonna love it.  When he wakes up, anyway.”

“What do you mean?” Jasper asked.

“He’s asleep already.”

“You mean he’s doing it now?  He’s just lying down with his eyes closed.  He looks floppy.”

“Look, I’d do this, but I’m in a self-inflicted Baby Bjorn.  Pick him up real gentle and put him on the big pillow with his little pillow.  Just slide your hands under him, yeah, like a forklift.”

“I thought it would be more… special-looking,” Jasper complained, carefully depositing Steven on the cloud pillow’s squishy plush surface.  He sighed contentedly through his nose and snuggled into it.

“Okay,  _ now _ get the shawl thing and lay it over him.  Okay, fold the top back, he’s gotta breathe.  Congrats, you just put a kid to bed.”  She held out her fist, curving her arm back towards Jasper.

“What’s that for?”

“Bump your fist into it.”

“Like this?”

“Okay, now go  _ PCHOWWWWW _ and make your hand explode in slow motion.”  She demonstrated.

“I’m not going  _ pchowwwww,” _ Jasper said, although she complied with the rest of it.

“You had to go  _ pchowwwww _ to say you wouldn’t go  _ pchowwwww.” _

_ “Pchowwwww _ yourself.”  Jasper sat down with her back against the wall of the cave and her legs crossed so Amethyst could rest in her lap.  She put her chin on top of Amethyst’s head; it felt heavy as a brick but in a comforting way.  “I’m sorry I got you stuck in this.”

“It was my fault.  I just blew a valve.  Sorry about sticking my foot in your gut too.”

“I can’t  _ believe _ you’re stuck to me now, though, this sets a new low for stupid things that have happened to me.”

“I’m gonna see if I can skinnyshift out of it, if you hold still.”  Shrinking herself down just meant that the chain snugged in securely around her.  “Okay, I’ll yo-yo, BIG AND FAT and then down to nothing real fast.”  The chain was just as fast.  “Damn, it’s like elastic.”

“I swear I’m not making it do that,” Jasper said wearily.  “It was kind of Steven to say that about my thoughts, and I know it  _ has _ to be just something I’ve made in my mind, but it still doesn’t feel like I can do anything with it.  How long does it take?”

“Does what take?”

“Sleep.”

Amethyst shrugged.  “Takes as long as it takes, I guess.  A few hours at least to start feeling better.”

“But his real body is sleeping somewhere else and yours is too?”

“Yeup.”

“Is it like… like a much milder form of poofing and reforming?”

“Way less traumatic, so yeah, I guess.”

“So he’s just going to lie there?”

“Pretty much.”

“Not… glow or anything?”

“Aw, were you hoping for something more magical?”

_ “I _ don’t know.  Maybe,” Jasper said, sounding a little sulky.  “So we’ve got a wait ahead of us.”

“Yeeeeeup.”

“Yeeeeeeeeup,” said Jasper, imitating her with an emphatic  _ pop _ on the P.

“Jasper?”

“Mm.”

“Why’d you get so mad before?  I mean, you just seemed to go from zero to sixty.  You were worried about Steven wearing himself out, and then you were ragging on him about leadership and — it felt like I missed something, what made you angry?”

“Both of you got mad at me when I was  _ trying _ for once to be nice,” Jasper said, definitely sulky now, “just like when I tried to stand up for you about Steven calling you cute, so I felt like I couldn’t do anything right and I just… you saw.”

“Ohhhhh, right.  The I can’t do anything right so I’m gonna do something as wrong as I can ‘cause that’s what I’m really good at number.  I know that one.”

Jasper just grunted.

“I wasn’t  _ mad _ mad about the cute thing.  It was cool you wanted to stand up for me, you just got the  _ topic _ wrong.  Next time someone calls me dumb or weak or defective or a screw-up or lazy and irresponsible and sloppy and unsanitary and gauche you stand up all you want.”

“Who calls you unsanitary and gauche?” Jasper asked, sounding indignant on her behalf.

“Pearl sometimes.”

“But you were standing up for  _ her.” _

“She doesn’t do it as much as she used to.  And even when she did — I don’t know,  _ I _ can complain about her but I’ve got a right, you know?  Because I love her too.”

“So she doesn’t tell you you’re perfect the way you are?”

_ “Ha! _  No.   _ She’s _ Miss Perfect.  Or she was trying to be, she’s loosening up.”

“But… that doesn’t make any sense.  If she cared about being perfect why would she have joined a rebellion?  She’d still be on Homeworld taking messages and tidying up and providing mood music and organising her owner’s calendar.”

“I didn’t say Pearl made  _ sense. _  It is  _ so _ weird to think someone used to  _ own _ her.  I wonder who?”

Amethyst felt Jasper shrug.  “No idea.”

“She has a spacesuit with a pink diamond on it.  You think maybe she  _ belonged _ to Pink Diamond?”

“Then she’d be pink.  Diamonds’ personal Pearls always match.”

“Her hair’s kind of peach.  That’s close to pink.”

“She would be  _ pink _ pink, shades of pink all over.  I mean, the Pearl Pink Diamond had when I knew her was.”

“I guess Yellow Diamond’s Pearl was all yellow.  Hey, do you know her?  What’s she like?  As a person?”

“Well, she’s charismatic, aloof, authoritative —”  Jasper sounded as if she was reciting a memorised script.

“I mean Yellow  _ Pearl.” _

“Oh,” said Jasper.  “Huh.  I’m used to people asking me what Yellow Diamond’s really like but nobody’s ever asked about her Pearl.”  She paused to think, then said, “She’s a pain in the neck.  She makes me wait every time I’ve got an appointment even when I’m early, she ‘loses’ my messages if she doesn’t like my tone, she makes faces at me from behind Yellow Diamond when she’s talking to me, it’s  _ really _ hard to keep a straight face when she does that… if I mess up she gloats like it’s her job.”

“Wonder if she  _ likes _ her job,” Amethyst said.

“I think she has to.  I mean, just like we’re made with a drive to fight, Pearls are made with a drive to serve, you know, to take care of someone.  Getting to drive  _ me _ up the wall is just a perk.”

“Even if that’s true she might wanna be able to pick  _ who _ she takes care of and not be their property.”

“Or run off and be a crazy renegade warrior, you think?”

“For all I know!  Maybe she’s a jerk to you ‘cause she  _ envies  _ you.”

“Hah.”  Jasper’s tone turned more thoughtful.  “What’s Garnet like?  As a person.”

“Garnet is  _ the best. _  I mean the actual number one best, she’s  _ so _ cool and funny and strong and hot and she knows how to take care of business but have fun too, and no matter what happens, you know she can handle it.  If it wasn’t for Garnet me and Pearl would’ve fallen apart a long time ago.  She’s our rock.  Not just in the literal sense!  Seriously, once you get to know Garnet you’re gonna love her.  I don’t know how you could not.”

“Amethyst… lower your expectations.  You don’t even know yet whether I’ll be able to come out of the bubble and reform as myself.  It’s beyond premature to think about me  _ loving Garnet.” _

“Yeah, I guess that is a pretty big ask.  Didn’t say it’d happen right away though.”

They both fell quiet for a while, watching Steven.  Everything was so quiet here when you stopped talking, the same kind of heavy, dull silence Amethyst remembered from her own Kindergarten.  No birdsong or insect buzz or even the sound of a breeze.  At least there was the whisper of Steven’s breathing.   The chain around her waist felt very cold, heavy and solidly real.

“I’ll find a way to break the chain or take it off,” Jasper said, as if she’d read her thoughts.  “If not for me, for you.  So don’t worry about it.”

“Trying not to.”  Amethyst cast about for a distraction.  “Don’t ever tell Pearl I volunteered to study, but can you help me with my Gem writing again?”

 

Steven woke gradually, confused about where he was, a little like waking up at the barn or in his dad’s van.  It was nice to realise he was in those places, though.  He’d hoped, just a little bit, that going to sleep would reset everything and he’d wake up in his own bed and be able to ask for some help.  Realising he was still in Jasper’s cave took the warm cozy just-woke-up feeling, snap-chilled it, rolled it into a ball and shoved it down into his belly.  

_ Okay, that is a — a disappointing feeling, okay, good going Steven, we’re naming feelings… although gee I miss when I could just feel my feelings and it didn’t seem like any of them were so dangerous or such a big deal I had to handle them with oven gloves on.  I’m gonna look for a bright side and balance it out.  I  _ am _ warm and cozy. _  He was lying on a thick soft cushion with the old crochet afghan from Amethyst’s room for a blanket.  He rolled over to look at the cushion and was delighted to find it was another puffy plushy white cloud.  Jasper must have figured out how to imagine something up for him,  _ and _ she’d known exactly what sort of thing he would like which was so sweet,  _ and _ that also meant she was building some more conscious control of this dream environment.  Those were all super encouraging points.

The other bright side was that sleeping in a dream  _ worked. _  He was still a bit tired but he felt tons better than he had before.  And he could hear Jasper and Amethyst talking to each other nearer the entrance of the cave, and they didn’t sound mad or upset with each other, which he’d been a little worried could happen yet  _ again _ while he was sleeping.

Maybe that happened more when he was around, though; maybe they got along more happily when it was just them, the real Quartz Gems, with sister code and things.   _ Well, that’s a thought, but you know what, I’m not going to think about it right now. _  He sat up and rubbed his eyes and looked to see where they were.

Amethyst was still tied to Jasper, and she must be getting pretty tired of it by now.  She was hanging listlessly over the chain at her waist with her arms and legs dangling while Jasper worked on a drawing spanning the upper portion of the wall, above the other pictures that she had mostly done sitting down.  

“Black,” Jasper said, holding out her hand like a TV doctor in an operating room, and Amethyst handed her a marker from the assortment she was clutching in one fist.  Jasper uncapped it and sniffed it appreciatively before stretching up to draw on the wall.  “What kind of a fruit is a licorice, anyway?” she asked.  “I know some of the others but not that one.”

“Oh, it’s not fruit, it’s candy.”

“What’s candy?”

“It’s… you know what, let’s make the discovery of candy something we save up for when you get out in the world again.  Li’l incentive for ya.”

“I have a lot of incentives already, believe me.”

“Hey, how do you know about fruit anyway?  You’re an old-school non-eating Gem, right?  Can’t see why you’d’ve taken an interest when you were here before, specially with a war on and all.”

“I took an interest because Pink Diamond cared about it.  She was interested in plants and how they grew.  It was one of the things she liked about Earth and didn’t want to change.  I was surprised when you told me Rose Quartz liked plants, but maybe that was something Pink Diamond taught her that she didn’t reject.”

“Huh,” said Amethyst.  “I didn’t know that.  I thought the Diamonds just wanted to empty Earth out and make it into a rock planet.  Was Pink Diamond different?”

“The Diamonds act as one but they’ve each got their own personality and interests.  Pink Diamond was hoping there was a way to keep some of the plants.  She didn’t tell me that, all this is just from me eavesdropping when I was on guard duty for her.  I got to do that a few times as a reward for how I fought.  But she was saying it was hard to keep just the plants, because they depended on lots of the other life forms, the insects and the bacteria and things… it all sounded kind of gross and messy to me, but she thought it was… fascinating, I think she said.  How it all linked together.”

“Rose  _ loved _ that.  The food chains and the ecosystems and all of that, she’d tell me about it all the time.  She’d take me with her to her garden and I’d play while she was digging and pruning and everything, and she’d explain how all the different little lives affect each other, and something dying leads to something else living, and what an amazing planet the Earth was because of all that.”

“Huh,” said Jasper absently.

“I didn’t get  _ how _ important it was to her, I guess.  Sometimes I still have dreams that I’m back in her garden with her.”

“Dreams like this?” Jasper asked, sounding startled.  “So you can communicate with her?”

“Nah, the Rose in my dreams is just a memory.  I don’t want to talk so much as I just want to be with her again.  She’d sit in the sun and I’d lie down with my head on her lap and she’d skritch my hair.”  Amethyst cleared her throat.  “Like I said, it was chill.”

“Oh,” said Jasper, capping her marker and passing it back.  “Yellow.”

“Yo.”  Amethyst passed her the marker and watched while she drew.  After a while, Jasper began to speak again, in an offhand sort of way as if she didn’t expect Amethyst to take too much account of it.

“I got to spend a little bit of time with Pink Diamond in  _ her _ garden once.  Well, her arboretum.  She was growing peach trees and the fruit was ripe and she wanted some help harvesting them so she picked out me and this big chunky Carnelian.  So we followed her around with baskets while she was picking them and she loaded them up.  She explained how the trees grew flowers to get insects to pollinate them and then fruit to attract birds and animals to disperse their seeds.  I… wasn’t exactly interested but I wanted to be because  _ she _ was so interested.  I remembered it, anyway.  Hope she’d be pleased about that.”

“What was she picking peaches  _ for _ if she wasn’t gonna eat ‘em?”

“To get more seeds, I guess.  What she didn’t use I think she put outside for the animals.  And she — all right, this is going to sound sappy, and I’m just telling you so  _ you _ don’t have to feel embarrassed that  _ you _ overshared with that head-skritching memory.  She picked up this peach and it was orange on one side and dark red on the other, and she said, look, this side is like you, Jasper, and this side is like you, Carnelian.  And she brushed the, you know, the matching side of it against my cheek so I could feel it was soft and fuzzy.  That’s… that’s a good memory.”

“Awwwwwwwwww!”

“Oh, hush up.”

“Did oo wuv her?”

“You know what?  Carnelian thought she’d tease me about it too.  I punched her lights out.  You watch your step.”

“Oo wuvved her.”

“Shut your face, hot dog.”  Jasper scruffled the top of Amethyst’s head roughly, making her snort and laugh.

Steven sat listening — well, eavesdropping, he knew he was eavesdropping but Jasper had just admitted to doing that herself — twisting the tassels of the fringed edge of the afghan between his fingers.   _ Why doesn’t Amethyst tell me about things like that?  Did she not think I’d be interested?  Or, well, maybe she wanted that to be her private memory with Mom that she didn’t have to share with anyone… except she just shared it with Jasper.  Oh come on, I have no right to get all weird and jealous.  I don’t even  _ have _ a memory of my mom to trade like that.   _ Was  _ Pink Diamond like Jasper’s mom?  Or was it more like she had a crush on her or she was her hero?  Maybe it was a mixture.  But I should stop snooping and let them know I’m up. _

“Hey, you two,” he called out.  They both turned towards him, and Amethyst grinned, and there was a brief crooked flicker of a smile on Jasper’s face.

“‘Sup?  You feeling better?” Amethyst asked.

“Yeah, a lot.  Jasper, did you make this cloud bed?  It’s so great!”  He bounced on it a little to show appreciation.

“I’m glad it worked.  I didn’t know what it should be like so I just copied the pillow but bigger.”

“I’m really proud of you!  You got just the right combination of soft and springy.  Whatcha drawing today?”  He rolled off the cushion and trotted over to see.

“You do look better,” Jasper said.  “Less puny.”

“Boids,” said Amethyst, gesturing up at the wall, which had a kind of irregular frieze of winged shapes. 

“Oh, neat!”

“These are the bluebirds that fly over the rainbow and escape to somewhere better, and these are the blackbirds that take their broken wings and learn to fly — it’s symbolic.  Or maybe it’s kind of literal,” Jasper said, scratching her chin with the end of the marker.  

“They’re like your mascots.  Great idea!”

“Anyone ever tell you you’re  _ relentlessly  _ upbeat?”

“All the time!  You guys want to tackle this whole chain situation again?”

“You need breakfast or anything first?” Amethyst asked.

“No, I don’t get hungry here.  Which is weird.  My stomach is usually a very reliable clock.  We can just get straight on it.”

“I don’t really know what you think we can do,” Jasper said.  “I still have those bolt cutters in the back somewhere.”

“No, that was the wrong way, remember?” Amethyst said.  “You try to cut it off and you’re playing its game.”

“Let’s go sit over where we can feel the sunshine,” Steven suggested.  “Maybe over by Pink Diamond?”

“If you think it’ll help.”  Jasper lumbered over and dumped herself down on the floor.  

“Wow, that’s the spirit,” said Amethyst.  “C’mon, slugger, perk up a little.”

“I don’t think I like ‘slugger.’”

“Okay, pork chop.  Remember, you said you were gonna do this.  It’s not like you’re starting to secretly enjoy having me as a fanny pack, is it?”

“No danger of that.”

“So!” Steven said, clapping his hands together.  “I think what could help is to keep working on your mind magic.  You can change this place because it’s  _ your _ place.  I know the form it took came out of you feeling hopeless and trapped but the truth is  _ nobody _ has more power here than you.”

“Given you can come  _ in _ here and change things around, I think you have more power.”

“Nope, nope, if I did I could walk in here and snap the chain and carry you out of here over my shoulder.”  He picked up the chain trailing on the floor with two hands and yanked his hands apart.  As he did it he had just time to feel a spark of worry that it  _ was _ going to break, and  _ that _ was daffy because if it got them all out of there it would be good, but on the other hand it would really undermine Jasper’s confidence.  He didn’t have to deal with  _ that _ eventuality, though; the chain held.

_ “You _ could carry  _ me _ over your shoulder?” Jasper scoffed.

“If you let him I think he maybe could,” said Amethyst.  “Steven’s getting freaky strong.  The other day I dropped a sucker down behind the fridge and he just lifted the fridge out so I could get it.  Steez, is she doing that squint?  You know, the squint of ‘that confuses me and I’m a little offended to be confused?’”

“A little bit,” he said.  “A fridge is really heavy.  it’s not important right now.  The point is, the more you can change this place to make it how  _ you _ want it to be, the closer I think we’ll get to you being able to walk right out of it.”

“Unless  _ that _ idea backfires and I make it so nice in here I don’t want to leave,” Jasper said, and gave an alarming bark of sarcastic laughter.

“But that’s the great thing.  Even if you leave, you can come back to visit any time you want, because it’s in  _ your _ mind.  Making it nice isn’t dangerous at all.  So what’s one thing that you can think of that would make this place more comfortable?”

“I don’t know,” Jasper said, sitting back and leaning on her hands.  “Outside of not having this weird purple accessory?  Maybe… maybe if the opening was bigger so more light could get in.  And not  _ me _ -shaped any more, I’m so sick of seeing that every time I look out.”

“You don’t wanna keep that evidence that you were  _ born flexing?” _ Amethyst asked.

“The real evidence is out in the world, I don’t need it in here.”

“Okay,” said Steven, a little intimidated.  “That’s big, but okay, you’re very strong.  What shape would you like it to be instead?”

“I don’t really care.  Round?”  She shrugged one shoulder.

“And do you want that to change the shape of the sides all the way to the back?”

“Uh… yes.  That makes more space I can draw on.  I guess the arm part makes a shelf where I could keep stuff but I honestly don’t want to stay here long enough to think seriously about storage solutions.”

“No, that’s the spirit!  Okay then, I think… I think what you need to do is imagine the walls getting soft so you can change their shape.  Like clay!  Did you ever play with clay?”

_ “Clay?” _ Jasper asked.  “Clay is like… why would anyone touch clay if they didn’t have to?  Clay is only like one better than  _ mud. _  And no, I never played.”

“Never played  _ at all?”  _ he asked, a little stunned.  

“No, why would I?” she replied, with a touch of that squint again, Amethyst was right about that.  She couldn’t exactly wrinkle her nose, it wasn’t wrinkle-able, but she would have if she could.

“Well… okay, sure, I guess you wouldn’t, but I think you’d probably like it if you tried.”

“What, with clay?”

“Hey,” said Amethyst, reaching up to poke Jasper in the chin with one finger, “technically you’ve played a little with us.  Bouncing around is playing and tickle fights are definitely playing.”

“It doesn’t count if I didn’t know what it was when I was doing it,” Jasper harrumphed.

“Okay, if you haven’t ever played with clay it might be hard to imagine that kind of reshaping things.  Let’s try that.  But it doesn’t have to be  _ clay _ clay if you think that’s gross.  Pop!”  He conjured a jar of play-dough and passed it to her.  She looked at it suspiciously.

“You open it and the stuff is inside,” Amethyst said helpfully.  “Also it’s delicious.”

“Amethyst, do not eat the play-dough,” Steven said.  “I never liked it when you ate my play-dough.”

“You always got it back!”

“That was part of the problem,” he muttered, conjuring a jar of his own and prying off the lid.

“There’s a soft pink lump in here,” Jasper reported, peering into her jar and poking in her forefinger.  The dough came out of the jar with her finger when she pulled it back and she held it up.  “See?”

“Yep!”  Steven shook the red dough out of his jar into his palm.  “Now you can squish it around with your hands.”

Jasper wiped the blob of pink play-dough into her palm and abruptly closed her fist.  Play-dough shot out between her fingers and her eyes widened sharply.  “I’ve killed it.”

“No you haven’t, you can squeeze it back together, see?”  Amethyst grabbed her hand, prised the fingers open and gathered the lumps of play-dough into a rolled-up ball.  As soon as she lifted her own hands away Jasper closed her fist again and grinned.

“Squish!” she exclaimed.

“Okay, she gets it,” Amethyst said to Steven, who was trying to make a bunny.

“Good!  Have fun squishing it and rolling it.  I’ll make more colours too.”

They spent a little while quietly absorbed in play-dough.  Jasper initially just enjoyed squishing and squashing the dough, but then got interested in rolling it into long worm shapes and twisting and rolling different colours together.  When she discovered it was possible to blend them into marbled streaks she exclaimed, “Fusion!”

“Sorta,” said Amethyst, with her mouth full.  “You can’t separate them out again, though.”

Jasper looked guilty.  “I didn’t know that.”

“It’s dough, dude, it’s not gonna get its feelings hurt.”

“Do you see what I mean about how soft and reshapable it is?” Steven asked.  “If you imagine the walls of the cave like this, you can make them however you want and then turn them hard and solid again.”

“I guess so,” Jasper said doubtfully.  “You think I should try now?”  

“Yeah, go for it!”

“All right, but everyone has to shut their eyes while I do it or it’s going to put me off.”

“You got it.”  Steven closed his eyes and covered them with his hands for good measure.

“You too, Amethyst,” he heard Jasper saying.

“Yeah, yeah.”

“So now imagine the shape you want the cave to be, get it really clear in your mind, and then make the walls soft like play-dough and push them out to match,” Steven suggested.

“I’m  _ trying,”  _ Jasper grumbled.  “Be quiet, I’m concentrating.”

Steven waited in the dark.  He could smell play-dough on his hands and hear Amethyst shifting around and huffing impatiently through her nose, and Jasper shushing her.  After a while he felt something strange; the floor under him was becoming slightly soft and his bottom and his ankles were sinking into it as he sat cross-legged.  That sent a little surge of excited hope through him and he bit his lips together to avoid squealing about it and throwing Jasper off if she hadn’t really finished yet.  He could hear her breathing heavily as if this was costing her a physical effort.  Besides the softening floor, he could feel that the cave opening really must be growing because the warmth of the setting sun was growing on his body.

At last Jasper said, “I’m going to check if it worked.  Keep your eyes shut.”  After a long moment more, she said, “Okay, look.”

Steven opened his eyes eagerly and was briefly dazzled by the ruddy orange light that was now streaming into the cave.  The shape of the entrance had changed to an expansive half circle lying on its flat side, so wide and so high that you could even see a slice of the sky above the clifftop opposite.

“Oh, wow!”

_ “Dude,” _ said Amethyst, plainly deeply impressed.  “And you did it without stretching the pictures all out too.  They still look great.”

“I was concentrating on that,” Jasper said, sounding just a little flattered.  “I already spent so long on them I’d be furious if I ruined them trying to change things around.”

“The, um, the floor is still kind of soft,” Steven pointed out.  “Do you want to keep it like that?”

“Oh, damn it, I  _ knew _ I’d mess something up.”  Jasper struck the floor with an open hand and glowered at the handprint that resulted.

“That’s okay, because  _ look,  _ you just signed your work.  And now you can set it hard again and it’l always be there!”

“Yes, also both your ass-dents,” Amethyst said.  “For the ages.”

“Yes,” said Steven, “but that part’s just a happy  _ ass-i-dent.” _

“Heyooo!  Wow, I don’t think I’ve ever heard you say ass before.”

“Well, I don’t normally work blue, but I really liked that pun.”

“Can you two stop?” Jasper snapped.  “I’m trying to fix it.”  She scrunched her eyes shut, pinching the bridge of her nose.  After a moment, the floor felt hard and almost glassy again.  “There.”

“Jasper?” Steven said, reaching out to touch her arm.  “You’ve done a really,  _ really _ great job.  Look at this place!  Look how bright and sunny it is now!  You made it bigger too, right?  It feels bigger.”

Jasper opened her eyes again and looked around.  She looked towards the opening, and the glimpse of gold and salmon-pink sky up above, and gave a small, satisfied nod.  She looked towards the back of the cave and her lip curled.  “It’s disgusting back there, I couldn’t see how bad it had got.”  It was true that the very back where the chain disappeared into the seed cavity was looking a little squalid, with crumpled tissues and mislaid markers and the cloth Amethyst had bundled their gifts up in and various pieces of scribbled-on and screwed-up paper littered around.  “What are you supposed to  _ do _ with used tissues?”

“Put them in the garbage, usually,” said Steven.

“What, you mean I’ve been generating my own garbage?  That’s impressive.  It’s  _ sub _ garbage.”

“It’s Steven’s garbage too, ‘cause he made the tissues.  That’s  _ collab _ subgarbage,” Amethyst pointed out.

“Ugh, I’d better do something about it.”  Jasper levered herself to her feet and trudged into the back of the cave, where she bent to pick up some of the litter.

“Aargh,” said Amethyst.  “You know when you stoop you squish me?”

“Well I don’t see a Pearl in here, so  _ someone’s _ got to clean up.”  Jasper straightened up and tried pushing the drifts of tissues together with the side of her foot.  It was not very effective.

“You could imagine one of those sticks with a nail in the end for stabbing the papers.  Do those  _ exist _ or are they just something park-keepers in cartoons have?” Steven asked.  He summoned up a black plastic trash sack and held it open for her.

“Look,  _ I’ll _ do this so I don’t keep getting pinched in Jasper’s middle,” Amethyst said.  She  stretched her arms down to the floor and snaked them around scooping up tissues, popping new hands off their sides to grab more as the hands she started off with filled up.

“You do  _ such  _ weird things with your body,” said Jasper, shaking her head.

“Weird?  Yeah.  Efficient?  This one time, yeah!” Amethyst said, stuffing tissues into the bag.  “Also, you are a total novice at making a mess.  You should see _ my _ room.  Hope you will before too long.  Technically you’re already there.”

“I am?”

“Well, your gem is, safe’n’sound.  So when you  _ do _ reform, that’s where you’ll be and, you know, you’ll be safe.  Nothing bad’s gonna happen to you in there.”

“Well, unless another Slinker gets in,” Steven pointed out.

“Oh please.  Still not a fan of that name, by the way.  Jasper’s a tank, she’s not gonna have a problem with any Slinker.”

“What’s a  _ slinker?” _ Jasper asked.

“A corrupted Gem that got into our temple and poofed Amethyst a  _ lot.” _

“One of them got right inside your  _ base? _  Your security must be  _ terrible.” _

“Well, it ain’t great but we make out okay,” Amethyst mumbled, snagging scribbled-up papers.  “We’re doing the best we can with what we’ve got, you know?  For the longest time it was four of us and that was it.  Then it was three of us.  Now it’s four of us again with Steven.”

“Wait, I thought you had Peridot and Lapis too.”

“Well, they don’t live with us, they’ve got their own thing, don’t wanna be with  _ us,  _ I guess.”

“Why don’t they — that doesn’t make any  _ sense.   _ You mean you’re divided into factions, even with so few of you?  And those two aren’t even helping you?”

“Peridot helps us, that’s why she was there that day,” Steven said, feeling uneasy.  “And she helped us round up the corrupted Gems you were… keeping in the Beta Kindergarten too.  And Lapis helped when we had to play baseball with the Rubies.”

“You were  _ playing  _ with the Rubies?” Jasper asked, baffled.  “Are  _ they _ your friends too?”

“No, they’re  _ really _ not.  Oh boy.  Everything’s  _ really _ complicated, okay, Jasper?  When you see stuff about our set-up that doesn’t make sense, that’s ‘cause it kind of doesn’t but we’re having to make it up as we go.  Have  _ you _ ever been in a situation where people from different sides of a war have to live together afterwards?  I’m really asking, because if you have tips that would be nice.”

“I didn’t say I know what you should  _ do.”   _ Jasper appeared to be chewing the idea over; her jaw actually moved as she frowned in thought.  “From  _ my _ point of view it’s easier if I don’t have to live with her.  Don’t need the reminders all the time.”

_ She’s really starting to think about living on the outside with us as something she could do, _ Steven thought delightedly.   _ Even if it’s because she’s thinking how she’d have to avoid Lapis - well, number one it’s way better if she’s planning to avoid Lapis than keep going after her, and number two, at least it must seem real to her. _

“Okay, that’s all the paper crap,” Amethyst said, dusting all eight pairs of hands she’d ended up with together before retracting her arms to something more normal.  “Looks less slummy already.  I’m not doing the rest of your housework though — cavework.”

“We can get the rest of it later,” said Steven, pulling the drawstring of the trash sack tight.  “Let’s try some more transformations.”

“I guess if we have to,” said Jasper.  She went back to her spot by the Pink Diamond mural, the chain clanking behind her, and sat down.  “Even if we can unstick Amethyst from me, you two might still be stuck here.  You were stuck before she got herself stucker.”

“I’d still rather be stuck here and able to walk around and see your dang face when I talk to you than stay like this,” Amethyst grumbled.

“Believe me, I don’t want you like this either.”

“Well, you must’ve wanted it somehow or it couldn’t’ve happened like this.   _ I _ don’t have any presto change-o powers here in the ol’ dream hole.”

“I  _ definitely _ did not think ‘I wish Amethyst was stuck inside the chain with me.’  I was — I was still scared of you leaving as soon as you got the chance and not coming back, I was mad at myself for doing something so stupid, and then at the same time I was mad at you because you weren’t listening and being a stubborn idiot.  Maybe being mad at myself and being mad at you got mixed together enough that it did this.”  Jasper picked up one of the blobs of play-dough and started rolling it into a worm between her palms.  “And even… maybe even a little bit… I felt a little bit scared you were really going to break the chain because you were just that pissed off and then…”  She trailed off.  The worm went thin and spindly in the middle and its tail end dropped off.

“Then…” Steven said, as gently as he could.

“Then I’d have to deal with everything,” Jasper said in a very small voice, like gravel rattling instead of boulders grinding.  Her hands dropped onto her knees.

_ “Ohhhhhhh,” _ said Amethyst.

“As long as I’m  _ stuck _ there’s nothing I can do about it.  I don’t have to face anyone except you, and I’m used to you now.  I don’t have to see Lapis or Peridot again.  I don’t have to — do you  _ know _ how it feels when you did something thinking it was right and it’s just feeling wronger and wronger?  I don’t have to — to find Ocean Jasper and try to apologise to her for the things I said and how I used her and that’s if she can even  _ understand _ me and I wouldn’t blame her if she wanted nothing to do with me at all.  But if I were out that’s what I would have to try to do, and I can’t stand it.  I know I can’t live with myself if I don’t but I don’t — want — to do it!  It’s going to be so  _ humiliating _ and she’ll probably just hate me and I’ll have to just take it!  Do you have any idea what that’s like for  _ me?” _

“I’m  _ hearing _ that you feel bad for how you acted before and you want to try to make things right but you’re not sure you can,” Steven said carefully.

“And so I lurk in here like a coward,” Jasper said.  Abruptly, she hit herself hard in the forehead with the heel of her hand.  “So  _ stupid!” _

“Whoa, no!” Amethyst exclaimed.

“Jasper, please don’t hurt yourself!” Steven cried.

“Why not?  I deserve it!”  Her face was distorted with anger and her eyes were full of tears.

“Then don’t because it really really upsets me!”  He hurried to her and took hold of the hand she’d hit herself with, rubbing it between both of his.  “Come on, please.  I think you just figured out something really important.  That’s a big, big link in the chain, right?  Feeling that way?  It must be such a painful, scary way to feel.  It’s not stupid that it was hard to face up to it.”

“It’s just  _ weak, _ then,” she spat out.

“It’s not weak either!  You’re not weak if  _ hard things are hard for you.” _

“They’re not supposed to be hard for  _ me.” _  The anger was dissolving now and the tears were flowing.  She pressed her free hand to her eyes as if she could push them back in.  “I don’t  _ want _ to cry, I don’t want to make  _ more _ garbage.”

“It’s okay if you do.  We can always clean up.  And you can say, right now I feel really sad, or I have a big feeling of guilt, or whatever the right words are for you.  It’s okay to have those feelings.  You feel that way because in your heart you’re not a mean person.  If you were you  _ wouldn’t _ feel bad for doing mean things.”

“My  _ heart _ doesn’t make any difference to anyone I hurt,” Jasper said bitterly, before a harsh sob burst out of her.  She still had her eyes covered, so she didn’t see Amethyst, below her chin, look up at Steven and silently put her finger to her lips.  Moving slowly so it didn’t jingle, she held up a loose end of glassy chain.  

“N - no, I guess it doesn’t,” Steven said hastily, trying to keep Jasper’s attention while Amethyst stealthily climbed out of her lap.  “But how you act from now on can make a difference.  Even if they don’t trust you at first you can show them you’re really sorry, and you’re trying to change, from how you act every day.  I know that’s going to be really hard too, but me and Amethyst, we believe in you, so other people can too, it just might take a while.  You’re so strong, Jasper, I know once you’re putting that strength into things that are kind and good you’re gonna do something amazing.”  Over Jasper’s bent, shaking shoulder he could see Amethyst, her eyes as wide as saucers, slowly and carefully dragging the broken chain away from her.  “When you have to face up to people who are mad at you, and it feels so awful because you  _ know _ they’ve got good reasons, just remember you’ve got two people already who’ve forgiven you and want you to be happy.  We’re not gonna be the only ones.  And if you can’t believe that yet, we’ll just keep telling you till you can see it’s true.”

Amethyst was out of sight now; he wished like  _ anything _ he could look round and see how far she’d got with the chain.  Frankly he was scared that if Jasper noticed it was sliding away from her it would just whip back around her waist and join up again like the magic chain in  _ Stardust.   _ She was still crying so hard he didn’t know if she was really capable of noticing anything right now.  Jasper’s sobs were like hacking coughs; it sounded as if every one hurt her coming up.  She had curled her fingers around his hand for comfort, though, and it was such a strange feeling; he could feel the tension in her hand because she wanted to squeeze and hold on as tight as she could, but she was holding back because she didn’t want to hurt him.

Amethyst reappeared and tapped the big box of tissues against Jasper’s shoulder.  “Here you go, sis.”

“‘nkyou,” Jasper said hoarsely, grabbing a large handful of them and pressing them hard over her eyes like a blotter.  A moment passed.  Amethyst looked sidelong at Steven and grinned.  He was still too nervous to move.

Slowly, Jasper lowered the soggy tissues from her face.  She did a kind of triple take, shifting from Amethyst, plainly standing a foot away from her free and clear, to her own waist, free of any chain, to the back of the cave where, turning with her, Steven now saw the chain lay in a glittering heap.

Her reaction wasn’t quite what either of them had expected.  She yanked her hand free of Steven’s and kicked her legs frantically and sort of scuttled away backwards like a crab, staring at the chain the whole way.  She passed the point on the floor where the scribbles stopped and kept going.

“Jasper, slow down!” Steven called out just as he realised it was too late and she had propelled herself straight out of the cave mouth.  There was a moment’s startled silence followed by a soft, sandy thud.  Steven and Amethyst winced in unison.

A muffled voice came from below the cave mouth.  “I’m okay.”

They both ran and scrambled down to find her lying pretty much on the back of her neck with her body and legs resting against the cliff wall.  She had her helmet on, so that much of her self-preservation instincts must have kicked in.  Together they got her turned over and sitting leaning against the cliff the right side up.  She was breathing so fast Steven thought he might have to conjure up a paper bag; did it need to be a  _ brown _ paper bag or would any old paper bag work?

“You’re okay, J, you’re out!” Amethyst shouted gleefully.  “You did it!  You broke that dumb old chain all by yourself!  With crying or something!”

“I’m so scared,” Jasper said.  “I’m so scared!”  She grabbed one of them in each huge arm and crushed them to her chest in a hug, repeating into their hair that she was so scared, her big heavy body shaking with shock and relief.

“It’s going to be okay,” Steven repeated, with some difficulty because she was squeezing nearly all the air out of him, and patted her shoulder as well as he could.  “We’re together and we can handle it.”

“You did good,” Amethyst said, grinning through tears, “you really did, ya big pork chop.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> An interesting side note is that in Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, a form of mindfulness therapy that you can read about in the book _[The Happiness Trap,](https://www.google.co.nz/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=web&cd=1&cad=rja&uact=8&ved=0ahUKEwjRrufD-rbQAhVBOZQKHTa5BvwQFggbMAA&url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.thehappinesstrap.com%2Fupimages%2FThe_Happiness_Trap_-_Introduction_and_Chapter_one.pdf&usg=AFQjCNGU3az6jU-0CNkI9N0LvWYr2Mk5pw&sig2=LEEQqbOuJTxQDyregRfo_w)_ being immersed in a painful emotion or thought or in a hurtful, unhelpful story that you tell yourself about yourself (like "I'm not good enough," "I'm going to disappoint everyone," "I deserve to suffer") is called being fused with it. Defusing from it doesn't make it go away but enables you to cope with it and to eventually free yourself from self-defeating beliefs and behaviours.
> 
> Also I hope you all enjoyed the implication that Amethyst has pooped play-dough.


	13. Chapter 13

After some wallowing around in the sand, Jasper managed to stop hyperventilating long enough to start laughing until she was once again reduced to wheezy Muttley noises.

“Oh… oh, I can’t believe this,” she said at last, wiping her eyes.  “I didn’t crush you two, did I?”

“Not too much,” Amethyst said, sitting up and shaking sand out of her hair.  She felt a little squashed but overall exhilarated.  “You crushed, Steven?” 

“Nope, feel fine,” he said, a touch wheezily himself.  “That was some hug.”

“I don’t even know when it broke,” Jasper said.  “I swear I thought it was still there till you gave me the tissues and I realised you were out.  Steven!  You must’ve  _ seen _ her and you didn’t tell me!”

“She was signalling me to keep quiet!” he protested.

“‘Cause I wanted to get it clear of you,” Amethyst explained.  “I didn’t want you to be able to… reform it or whatever.  Wouldn’t’ve faked you out otherwise.”

“I think you might have,” Jasper said sternly.

“Yeah, I might have,” Amethyst admitted, grinning.

Jasper rolled herself up to a sitting position, absent-mindedly setting Steven aside, and looked around at the walls of the Kindergarten.  “What a  _ dump,” _ she said, with feeling.

“But it’s  _ your _ dump,” said Steven, “so you can fix it and change it.  If you wanted to, I don’t know, fill it up with flowers you could.”

“I don’t know about flowers,” Jasper said.  She got up and dusted off the seat of her pants.  “I have to go back inside.”

“Why?  You just got out!”

“I know, but I want to get that chain out of there.  Come with me?” she added over her shoulder as she reached up, got her hands on the lip of the cave mouth and pulled herself up without apparent effort.

“Time for the stretchy legs,” Amethyst sighed, taking a big step up and then turning back to make the stretchy arms and pull up Steven.   Behind her Jasper was pacing around restlessly, like she really didn’t want to go back there and confront an inanimate object (sort of) without backup.  Once they were both up she snorted and strode into the back of the cave like she was only waiting so they wouldn’t miss anything.  The chain was lying in the untidy pile Amethyst had left it in, still connected at one end to the seed cavity.  Jasper grabbed that end, planted one foot against the wall and heaved back with the full weight of her body.  It broke free so easily, pulling a plug of crumbling reddish-brown rock with it, that she staggered back and almost stepped on Steven.  She stood there clutching the chain and panting, glaring at it as if she dared it to do something creepy like suddenly snake around her wrist.  It just hung from her fist limply, the plug of rock swinging slightly and making it clink.

“Right!” Jasper spat.  She swung round and charged for the mouth of the cave, so impetuously that Amethyst thought she was going to throw herself right out again, but she was only getting a run-up to throw the chain with more force.  The chunk of rock sailed out into the empty canyon, trailing the chain like a glinting kite tail, hit the opposite wall with a dull clomp and fell into the sand.

“Feel better?” Steven asked, trotting up behind her.

“Yeah,” said Jasper, nodding, “yeah, I do.”  She dismissed her helmet, gave her head a brisk shake, put her hands on her hips and looked up and down the canyon, still silent.  It had swallowed any echo from the rock hitting the wall.  “Some kind of explosion would’ve been nice, but I’ll take what I can get.”  She looked down at him.  “How about you?  You feel like you can leave now?”

“I think I probably can, but I don’t want to go just like that.”

“Yeah, you just did something so important!  We need to celebrate at least a little.  Bounce around.  Hey hey, throw me into that wall.”  Amethyst shifted into a ball shape and bounced against Jasper’s leg.

“I’m not throwing you into a  _ wall,  _ Amethyst.”  Jasper grabbed her and bounced her off the floor like that was any different.

“No, it can be a game!  See if you can get me in the holes!  The farther away they are the more points you get.”

“I… would feel weird about that.  I know they’re not the real ones, but those holes belonged to Gems like Jasper and you, right?” Steven asked.  “Is it really okay to use them as goals?”

“I already used ‘em as cages,” Jasper said, shrugging uncomfortably.  “They’re not really going to get any  _ more _ desecrated.”

“I’m not  _ talking _ about doing it to the real ones,” Amethyst said, “yeesh.  Any time I try to have fun people start talking about  _ desecration _ .”  She went back to her usual shape but turned her tongue into one of those unrolling party whistles and blew it out with a squeak.  “Woo!  Better?”

“I think…” Jasper squatted down, resting her forearms on her knees with the hands dangling, and gazed out at the canyon pensively.  “It seems like there should be something.  I don't know what.  I mean, Pink Diamond would like it if I filled it up with pretty plants but I would know they were fake because this is a desert.  They’d be like the unicorn.”

“Fake fake instead of real fake like this whole place?” Amethyst asked.  “Why think that way?  Why not say hey, if I want to I can just bring a river down here?  It would've had a river once upon a time, that's what canyons  _ are _ , big ol’ river tracks.”

“So this place was made by  _ water?”  _ Jasper asked. 

“Yup, that's your basic geology.  Even I know that.”

Jasper gave a short, dry laugh.  “Even in a desert I can't get away from it.”

“Yeah, this is a real wet planet.  Even Steven’s mostly made of water.”

“You  _ are?   _ Huh.  No wonder Lapis likes you so much.”

Steven chuckled uncomfortably.  “So if you  _ did _ put plants in here what would you want to use?  Ooh, what’re your favourite flowers?”

Jasper opened her mouth and then stopped, looking disappointed in herself.  “I don’t know their name.  I know I heard her say it once but I can’t think of it at all.”

“Can you describe it?  What colour is it?”

“Lots of colours, but I like the pink ones best.”

“Ooh, okay.  Is it big or small?  No, wait, why don’t you draw one for us?”

“I’ll try, but it’s a weird shape.”  Jasper retreated into the cave and returned bearing markers.  She knelt down and started to draw on the bare floor near the edge.  “It’s… sort of like this.”

Amethyst took a good look.  “That looks like every kid drawing of a flower I ever did see.  You’re better at boids.”

“Well, you tried,” Steven said.  “Um… does it grow right out of the ground or on a bush or…”

“On a bush.”

“If we’re talking about a rose I’m going to die from irony,” Amethyst said.

“I know a  _ rose _ when I see one, thank you.  I know lots of flower names, I just can’t remember this one.”  Jasper frowned in thought.  “It’s… it’s sort of trumpet-shaped, and its petals are a little wrinkly, and there’s a part in the middle that sticks out at you and has like a little fluffy hand on it.”

“A little fluffy  _ hand?” _ Amethyst repeated.  “That sounds made up.”

“Is this maybe a prehistoric flower that’s extinct now?” Steven asked.

“I’m not  _ that _ old.  Look, I’ll draw it in profile, it sticks right out like this.”  The two drawings looked sort of like a floral mugshot.

“Oh!” Steven exclaimed, clapping his fist into his other palm.  “A hibiscus!  Great choice.”

“Hibiscus, okay, I like hibiscus.”

“Hibiscus flowers are from Hawaii like my ukulele!  Ta-daa.”  Steven plucked a flower out of the air and stuck it into Jasper’s hair.  “Oh wait!  I should’ve made like I was pulling it out of your ear like a coin trick.  Missed opportunity.”

“I like it, you look like you’re on vacation,” Amethyst said.  “You just need sunglasses and a drink with an umbrella in it.”

“On what now?”

“Vacation is when you take a break from what you do all the time and go somewhere nice and do something fun,” Steven explained.

“Oh.  Oh, like when I got to go do guard duty for Pink Diamond,” Jasper said, brightening a bit.

“Not  _ exactly,  _ because you were still working.  Vacation is  _ no _ work, just rest and relaxation.”

“I’ve never done that, then.  Not really a Gem concept.”

“I’ve never really been on vacation either,” Steven said sympathetically, “just a few overnight trips.  Although I guess if you look at it the other way, my  _ whole life _ is vacation because I don’t go to school or have a job and I live by the beach!”

“Ya little show-off,” Amethyst said, and knuckled the top of his head.  “So whaddya think, J?  Hibiscuses everywhere?  Maybe some vines’n’parrots.”

“Doesn’t seem right for this place,” Jasper said, shaking her head.  “I might draw on the walls though.  That would improve it.”  She hesitated, then went on, “I think if you can go back now, you should.  Make sure you can.  I want you both to come back but I can wait a little.  Not too long!  But a little.  Do a vacation if you need one.”

Amethyst glanced at Steven, who looked hopeful but uncertain.  “No slacking off,” she said.  “We’re gonna come back soon.  I wanna see scribble all  _ over _ these walls.”  She stepped in and hugged Jasper round the neck, pushing her face into the soft fluff of her hair.  Jasper did that odd hesitant hand-on-her-back thing again before going for a proper hug.  “See ya, sis.”

“See  _ you,  _ sis.  And Steven.”

“Hokay!” said Amethyst, stepping back and clapping her hands.  “Now we did a huge mushy goodbye let’s hope we can leave or I’m gonna be really embarrassed!”

“See you soon, Jasper!” Steven chirped and they were gone with a blink.

 

Steven woke and realised he could feel smooth cotton sheets.   _ Home. _  Except they didn’t feel like his sheets, they were stiffer, and there was a smell he didn’t recognise.  There was a sound he recognised, though, a sound that was home all over, and that was his dad quietly playing guitar and singing to him, “Birdhouse in Your Soul.”  He opened his eyes with an overwhelming rush of relief.

“Dad!”

Greg was sitting by his bed, looking tired and crumpled in his grubby old cherry sweatshirt, and when Steven spoke to him he looked up from his guitar with a start.   _ “Steven!” _ he cried, and dived over to hug him, mashing the guitar between them and causing some bruises and confusion on both sides.  By the time they got straightened out Steven had noticed a thing or two; the weird bed, the fluorescent light, most of all the needle in his arm hooked up to an IV stand.

“Dad, why am I in the hospital?”

“Oh jeez, I’m just so glad you’re awake.  Do you feel okay?  Do you hurt anywhere?” Greg asked, stroking Steven’s hair back from his face.

“I feel fine, I’m —”

At that point Pearl came in, carefully balancing a paper cup in her hands and saying, “I hope this is right, Greg, because I had to fight that machine every step of the way —” before registering that he was sitting up and shrieking  _ “STEVEN!”  _ at a volume that must have been heard throughout the ward.  She flung away the cup in a spray of coffee and rushed in to hug him.  Pearl hugs were always a bit pointy but they didn’t involve an acoustic guitar hitting him in the wishbone so he clung to her gladly.  “Oh, thank  _ goodness!   _ We were so  _ worried! _  Everyone is here but we’re not all supposed to crowd in, oh  _ Steven,  _ what  _ happened? _  I could  _ strangle _ Amethyst!”

“What?  No, don’t strangle Amethyst!  Where  _ is _ Amethyst?”

“She’s right here,” Greg said, pointing to the nightstand by the bed, rather awkwardly as he did it in the middle of pulling his guitar strap over his head.  There was a cereal bowl there with a folded-up scarf in it and resting on the scarf was Amethyst’s gemstone.

“Oh my gosh, what happened?  What  _ happened _ to us?” Steven asked, shocked.

“We’ve been waiting to ask  _ you,  _ buddy,” Greg said, leaning in for another hug guitar-free.  This one was exactly what Steven needed, although he had to be careful how he moved the arm with the IV line.

At this point, obviously summoned by Pearl’s shriek, the rest of the Gems burst into the room, Garnet in the lead with Peridot pushing spiritedly from behind her (then giving up, ducking down and running on all fours between her legs).  Lapis  Lazuli brought up the rear.  They crowded around the bed, Garnet wrapping her arms around him tight while the smaller two jostled to get a decent look at him.  Everyone seemed to be babbling his name and a torrent of questions while nobody answered  _ his.   _ Finally he resorted to whistling as loudly as he could, which got him silence but also a reproachful look from Peridot, who had been clambering over him to get across the bed and caught the whistle right in the ear, if there were ears inside that pyramid of hair. 

“I’m so, so happy to see all of you,” he said, “but I don't understand what I’m doing here!”

“You’ve been in a coma for two days,” Pearl said.  “We’ve been beside ourselves with worry.  Dr Maheswaran kept saying there was nothing wrong with you physically, but she couldn’t explain why we couldn’t wake you, and she doesn’t know a  _ thing _ about astral projection — oh good, here she comes now.”

She changed her tune about that because Dr Maheswaran’s arrival meant everyone except Greg was forcibly ejected from the room (Pearl squawking vociferously) and then he was examined to within an inch of his life to make sure he was not only awake but still had a full set of working parts.  Apart from being hazy on who the President was, he passed with flying colours.

“Do I get a sticker?  That’s a thing in here, right?” he asked, hoping to lighten the mood.

“Do you think you deserve one?” she asked, tucking her hands in the pockets of her white coat and fixing him with a stern glare.  “Do you realise how frightened everyone has been?  Connie hasn't slept.  I don’t know whether she was more upset that you were in this state or that she had absolutely no idea what you had been doing to get into it.”

“Oh gosh,” Steven said faintly.  He felt guilty for obvious reasons — Connie! — but also guiltily relieved that Dr Maheswaran wasn’t saying anything about Amethyst and Jasper.  Maybe she hadn’t realised there was any connection between that and this.

“Now because it’s  _ you,  _ I take it that it wasn’t alcohol or drugs.  All the toxicology screens were negative, anyway.  I haven’t been able to find anything medically wrong with you at all, not so much as an insect bite, so this must be something on your mother’s side of the family.”

“I already said, Rose never went into comas,” Greg protested.  “She might do what Amethyst is doing there but the most sleeping she ever did was recreational napping, and I got her into that.”

“Dad, where’s my phone?” Steven asked urgently.  “I need to tell Connie I’m okay.”

“Oh dang, I think we left it at home.  I’m not sure I’ve got her number on mine —”

“Just use mine,” Dr Maheswaran said, pulling it from her pocket.  “Text only, if she’s managed to get to sleep I don’t want you waking her.”

On the screen of her phone Steven could see the time read 00:14, and somehow the fact everyone was up  _ late _ because of him made it seem worse.  He quickly found Connie’s contact and tapped in, “It’s me, Steven!  I’m okay and I’m really sorry I scared you.  I’ll explain everything as soon as possible. <3 bear with me ʕ•ᴥ•ʔ”

“Now can we clear a few things up?” Dr Maheswaran asked, but her phone dinged and buzzed as Connie’s reply came through.  

“I’M SO GLAD.  Will get Dad to bring me to the hospital right now,” he read aloud.

“Oh no she won’t,” said Dr Maheswaran, whisking the phone back and turning away from them, dialling.  Steven and Greg sat in embarrassed silence as she had a hushed argument with Connie, the gist of which was that now Connie knew Steven was all right, he wasn’t going anywhere, and it was time for her to get some  _ sleep _ and come to see him at a civilised hour of the morning.  It ended with a muttered, “Oh, for heaven’s sake,” and she came back to the bedside saying, “She says she’ll go to sleep if she can talk to you.”

_ “Steven!” _  Connie’s voice was already bursting into his ear before he got the phone all the way there.

“Hi, Connie.”

“Are you sure you’re all right?”

“I’m a hundred percent fine, I promise.  I just made a silly mistake and ended up freaking everyone out.  I’m so sorry.”

He heard her sigh and her voice warmed.  “Well, I knew you were okay really when I got your text.  If you’re sending me bear emoji puns nothing can be  _ too _ wrong.”

“You get some sleep now, okay? Your mom’s worried.  Let’s not  _ both _ worry her.”

“Okay, but I’ll come as soon as I can in the morning, and you can tell me everything.”

Dr Maheswaran twitched the phone out of his hand — she must have ears like a bat, he thought — and said, “All right, Connie, now you can stop worrying.  Yes.  Yes — well, we’ll have to see about that.  I'm sure he is.  I love you too, now go to sleep.”  She hung up and sighed, sitting down on the side of the bed.  “Well, that's one problem off my mind.”

“Steven,” Greg said, putting a hand on his shoulder, “I really hope you're going to explain to us what was going on.  Anything that knocks you out like that is something I want to help you handle if I can.”

“I know, Dad, I’m sorry.  I just — I’m worried about Amethyst, I didn't know this was happening to her, and this is just as much about her as it is about me.  We need to explain it together.”

“Well, Pearl says Amethyst told her that she and you were doing some experiments with lucid dreaming, testing out some of your new powers.  She thought at the time it would be safe, so she’s kicking herself now that she didn’t realise something like this could happen.  Is that what it was, buddy?  Did you try to do something tricky in a dream and get in over your head?”

“Something like that, but it’s really hard to describe.”  He didn’t know how to say something that would satisfy them without actually lying, and he really didn’t want to lie to his dad.  Dr Maheswaran was looking at him skeptically.  It suddenly occurred to him that this might be what it looked like if you had two alive human parents sitting on either side of your bed worried about you (and if your mom was kind of a tough cookie).

“All metaphysical and trippy?” Greg suggested.

“Sort of?  Kind of?  Parts of it were symbolic but in the dream it all felt really real.  And… well, I guess it kind of makes sense that what put me under from normal sleep into a coma put Amethyst into her gemstone but that seems so  _ extreme.” _

“A three on the Glasgow Coma Scale is considered fairly extreme by most people,” Dr Maheswaran said dryly.  “I’ll want to keep you here for observation overnight just to make sure you don’t lapse back.”

“Oh no, that’s over now,” Steven said with confidence.

“It’s nice that you’re so sure, but I require a little more convincing.  For now I want you to stay put.”

“Can the Gems come back in, though?”

“I suppose that would be better than your little green aunt roaming the corridors asking people what’s wrong with them and scoffing.  All right, but they need to be quiet.  There are  _ really _ sick people on this ward who need their sleep.”

 

When morning came Amethyst was still dormant.  Peridot had propped up her tablet next to her and was playing strange combinations of ambient noise generators at her on the hypothesis that they would help snap her out of it.  Currently it sounded as if a cat was purring in a cave where water dripped and this cave was also on board a plane.  Amethyst would probably enjoy that.  

Greg was asleep in a chair in the corner and Lapis had taken the opportunity to start surreptitiously practising fancy braids in his hair.  Garnet was, if not actually sleeping, apparently in a deep state of meditation leaning against the wall and Pearl was valiantly attempting to comply with Garnet’s edict that they not ask Steven any more questions until he was ready to answer them by reading waiting room  _ Family Circle  _ magazines, which really meant reading passages out of them in an incredulous tone and asking Steven and Peridot to agree with her that they were weird and absurd.  On the other hand, she had torn out and pocketed an article about vinegar and baking soda, so she was clearly getting something out of the experience.  

Steven was doing his best to keep a lid on everything he was thinking, which was a huge bubbling stew of very mixed ingredients.  He was going to be worried about Amethyst until he saw she was okay.  He felt super guilty about not telling everyone the truth and not having told it from the start, but at the same time, if they'd done that would they ever have got as far as this with Jasper?  And he was happy for Jasper and excited for her and full of hope that things were just going to get better even quicker now.  That  _ might  _ just mean that soon the lies — well, not  _ lies,  _ fibs and fudges — wouldn’t matter because they would only have been cover for a wonderful surprise.  

Peridot sighed loudly.  “This isn’t very effective.”  She picked up the tablet and poked around on the screen for a moment, cutting off the noise.  “Oh!  I know.  Haha!  Everyone be quiet, I’m on.  Now, logically you can’t ever have seen what you look like as just a gemstone, right, Amethyst?  You don’t have  _ eyes _ in that state.  So I’m making a video to show you what you look like.  We can reminisce about it when you’re yourself again.  It will be good for our bond!”  She sidestepped, sliding her feet carefully so as not to jiggle the camera as she changed the angle, and carried on narrating.  

“So as you can see, I made you a nest, which is probably a little sentimental of me but Garnet mentioned Steven does this for you so I thought I’d maintain the tradition since he was out of commission.  The scarf is his, I don’t carry scarves when I get urgently called to a friend’s house to consult on a medical emergency.  Although maybe I should!  Anyway, that’s you.  Just-a-gemstone Amethyst.  You’re very pretty, but we’re all a little tired of looking at you just sit there so, you know, hurry back.  Steven’s back!  You don’t want to be slower than  _ Steven,  _ do you?  No offence, Steven.”  She reached out and gently poked the gemstone.

“Nudge.  Nudge.  Oh hey!  There was a prank in  _ Camp Pining Hearts _ where if you put someone’s hand in warm water while they sleep they’ll supposedly wet the bed.  You enjoy that type of thing!  Lapis, get me some warm water.”

“Yeah, no,” said Lapis, tying off the end of a herringbone braid.  “I’ll aid and abet you in lots of things but that crosses a weird line.”

_ “Thank _ you,” said Pearl, rolling her eyes.

“It’s not just me though, is it?  She’s taking kind of a long time,” Peridot said.  “Typical regen cycle for an Amethyst is within twelve hours, tops.”

“And she’s usually way faster than  _ that,” _ Steven said.  He felt a pang of worry, and then a really awful thought — what if  _ he _ had got unstuck from Jasper’s dream and had come back to the waking world but he somehow hadn’t brought Amethyst with him as usual?  It wasn’t as if he’d left her anywhere dangerous, she would be fine with Jasper, but it was a big problem if she was still  _ stuck. _

“Well, perhaps she’s maturing and taking more care over these things now,” Pearl suggested.  “Her most recent reformation was in an emergency so time was of the essence, but for the one before that she  _ did _ take her time — eventually — and the results were well worth it.”  She glanced over at the purple gemstone a touch fretfully and raised her voice a little.  “Amethyst, if you can hear me, I didn’t really mean it about strangling you.  Everything’s all right and strangulation is off the agenda, so don’t dilly-dally because you’re worried about facing me.”

“She can’t hear you,” Garnet pointed out quietly.  “At least I’ve never been conscious of anything external while reforming; have you?”

Pearl sighed.  “Not really, which is what makes it so nerve-racking when there  _ is _ a sense of urgency and you don’t know what could be happening while you get yourself back together.”

“Oh!  Oh, something’s happening!” Peridot exclaimed.  She jumped back and held up the tablet to get a good clear shot as Amethyst’s gemstone rose out of the cereal bowl and flared with violet light.  After a brief fireworks display Amethyst landed on the bed with a gentle bounce and looked around her in some confusion. 

“Where's  _ this?”  _ she asked before being hit from two sides at once by effusive hugs from both Steven and Peridot.  “Okay, I just unpoofed myself, don't repoof me,” she said, muffled.  

“Welcome back,” Garnet said warmly. 

“What a relief,” Pearl exclaimed, beaming.  

“Amethyst!” Steven cried. “Oh man, I'm so glad you're okay, I woke up  _ hours _ before you!  I had no idea you'd poofed.”

“I was kinda surprised myself.  But look!”  She held her hair back from her face, grinning. 

“At what?” Peridot asked, letting go of Amethyst’s waist and sitting back on her heels. 

“No more gimpy eye!”

“What are you talking about?”

Amethyst’s face fell a little.  “C’mon, you don't have to pretend you didn't notice.  I’ve had a squint ever since Jasper poofed me.  I hadda rush back and I messed up.  I’ve looked like Alfred E. Neuman for weeks.”

“Uh, I never noticed that,” Steven admitted.

“I thought it was just your expression,” Pearl said, shrugging.

Amethyst’s face fell further; her expression now was approaching a pout.

“But isn’t this a good thing?” Steven asked.  “You can’t have looked as weird as you thought you did.”

“Yeah, or no one ever really notices what I look like anyway,” Amethyst said, letting her hair flop back over her face and folding her arms.

“Oh, now that’s not true,” Pearl protested.

“I notice what you look like all the time!” Peridot exclaimed.  “I’ll prove it.  Now I admit I did miss the change in ocular configuration  _ but _ I see you’re back to wearing a purple top, like you had when I first encountered you, except that this one has a V neck which shows off your gemstone more and the straps tie in knots on your shoulders.  Stylish!  And your pants are still black which is obviously a reliably good look for you but the stars on your knees are  _ silver _ now, as are your boots — and I might be imagining it but are your biceps bigger?”  She leaned back making a duck face of intense scrutiny.  “I think they are.”

“Oh.  Uh.  Yeah, they might be, I was thinking more upper body power this time round.  I mean all I can do is move what I’ve got  _ around,”  _ Amethyst said, a touch sheepishly.

“And you make such efficient use of it!  Nothing is wasted.  You have my official seal of approval.  Oh!  Let me show you how cool you looked reforming.”  She twiddled eagerly at the screen of the tablet to rewind the video.

“Amethyst,” Garnet said.  “We’re all glad you’re back.  We need to talk.  How did this happen?”

Steven and Amethyst’s eyes met over Peridot’s head, with no time to get their story straight.  “I take full responsibility,” Amethyst said.

There was a moment’s confused silence.

“Are you feeling all right?” Pearl asked.

“No look, here’s the thing.  We were doing this dream vision quest deal, right?  About trying to help a corrupted Gem.”

“It was all metaphorical and trippy!” Steven blurted out, realising with a surge of relief that they could  _ sort _ of tell the truth while not revealing any of the key points that might get them into trouble.  “There was this symbolic chain!”

“Yeah, and the chain was like, it stood for feeling all helpless and trapped in her corruption, but it was  _ also _ about how - it wasn’t like an  _ excuse _ but underneath that feeling she was really scared of how she’d deal with life if she ever got better and got back out into it, and  _ that _ kept the chain too strong to break.”

“And we got tangled up in the chain and I think that’s why we got stuck in the dream world!”

“Yeah!  But in the end she admitted how scared she was and once she faced up to  _ that _ the chain broke.  And she wasn’t free yet but she could  _ get _ free now if she kept trying.  Super uplifting, major power ballad stuff.  And once that was sorted out we could wake up!”

“It was a metaphor,” Steven said, nodding firmly.

“But yeah,” Amethyst added, “full responsibility, ‘cause I was there to take care of Steven and I didn’t even realise we could get stuck like that.  I thought it’d be a  _ low _ -risk way to try some biz out, like a flight simulator instead of crashing a plane.  Are we in a  _ hospital? _  What  _ happened?” _

“I was in a coma!” Steven said brightly.

“Holy smokes!”

“Two days!”

“That’s like a whole weekend!”

Their voices had been rising and Greg woke suddenly with a snort and a gasp.  Lapis equally suddenly contrived to be several metres away innocently occupied with a magazine discarded by Pearl.

“What’s going on?” Greg asked blearily.  “Oh hey!  Amethyst, great to have you back.  What’s the story?” 

That meant telling the chain story over again for Greg.  Steven was a little scared that he’d get some detail wrong the second time round, but on the other hand it was lucky they got to repeat it so soon, and he was deeply grateful to Amethyst for being a far more cunning fibber than he was.

“What kind of Gem was this?” Garnet asked, just as he was starting to relax.

“Big,” he said, truthfully but also stalling for time.  “Like biiig.”

“And changing shape all the time,” Amethyst said, plausibly but untruthfully.  “Like I don’t think we were dreaming about one Gem.  Like maybe she stood for  _ all _ the Gems who need help.”

“Like Centipeetle and everyone,” Steven agreed.  That was true in a way too.

“Well, thank goodness you won’t be doing  _ that _ again,” Pearl said.

Again, they exchanged glances over the peak of Peridot.

“Well, now we know what to watch out for…” Steven said.

“You must be joking!”

“Steven, you’re  _ still in the hospital,” _ Greg said.  “Are you already forgetting you just came out of a coma?”

“Who hasn’t slept through a weekend?” Amethyst asked rhetorically.

“It was Wednesday and Thursday, Amethyst!” Pearl snapped.

“It wasn’t even a real coma!” Steven protested.  “I know it looked like one but people have real comas because they’re sick or hurt and I wasn’t either, I was doing… weird mystic stuff to help Gems who need me!  And I’m okay!”

“You don’t even know if it’s useful,” Garnet pointed out.  “It might have been an uplifting dream, but it  _ was  _ a dream.”

“Steven’s dreams aren’t  _ just _ dreams, though,” Lapis spoke up.  “He found me when I was in Malachite with Jasper, and we actually communicated.  I don’t understand much about corruption, but if it’s a problem of the mind then maybe he can reach their minds directly to help them?”

“And catch it from them exactly the way Jasper caught it when — well, no, not  _ exactly _ the way because I know you would be trying to help, Steven,” Pearl said placatingly.  “Not trying to  _ control  _ and  _ abuse  _ them.”

Lapis didn’t react much, but Steven saw the corners of her mouth pull down and her eyes went blank.  That dropped a rock into the middle of the stew pot of his thoughts.  He had no idea what to do about it.  Lapis was guilty and ashamed, Jasper was hurt and angry (did she still think she’d  _ deserved _ it because she couldn’t  _ stop _ it?), and he was pretty sure the way he’d explained things to Garnet and Pearl had only made them more sure Jasper was bad all the way through.  He’d kind of thought that himself when he was doing the explaining.  How much of this was on him?

“I’m not going to catch corruption,” he managed to say.  “I’m pretty sure it doesn’t work like that.  And — and you know what?  You can’t stop me.  I’m not being a moody teen, you really can’t stop me.  The only way you  _ could _ stop me would be if you didn’t let me sleep  _ ever,  _ and that’d make me really sick really fast, so I don’t think you would.”

“Steven,” Garnet began, but was interrupted by the door bursting open and Connie dashing in.  That meant more hugs and a third recitation of the not totally honest explanation and Amethyst’s new look was admired and before they got done with that Dr Maheswaran came in to check him over again.  The stew pot got pushed squarely to the back burner.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter did _not_ seem to want to get written. Too many characters were in one room! I couldn't handle it conversationally. But there was pink hibiscus which is my favourite not-quite-canon Jasper accessory and now Amethyst's knees twinkle.  
>  By the way, Peridot is getting those ambient sound generators from [MyNoise.net.](https://mynoise.net/noiseMachines.php) Go there when you need to chill, or just want to layer sounds to create the effect of [a choir of Gregorian monks](https://mynoise.net/NoiseMachines/gregorianChoirGenerator.php) jamming with [timber wolves](https://mynoise.net/NoiseMachines/arcticWolvesSoundscapeGenerator.php) in [a dungeon.](https://mynoise.net/NoiseMachines/dungeonRPGSoundscapeGenerator.php)


	14. Chapter 14

This was the thing about refusing to discuss something with Pearl and Garnet: they stopped asking you.  Frankly, it rattled Steven.  He felt as if they were disappointed in him but couldn’t  _ ask _ them if they were because that meant talking about what he’d refused to talk about.  They weren’t giving him or Amethyst the silent treatment or anything like that.  He’d told them he didn’t want to talk about the lucid dreaming and he was going to make up his own mind about what to do about it, because after all it was something only he could do, and they seemed to have...  _ accepted it.   _ They were acting as much as possible as if things were normal, and it made him want to scream that it wasn’t normal at all.  Were they calling his bluff so he’d realise he did need to tell them everything after all?  Or did they actually trust him to deal with it responsibly after he’d put his foot down?  (Was this how it was supposed to work, and if so, why did it feel so uncomfortable and wrong?)

Dr Maheswaran had let him go home from the hospital at the end of the day after more tests for the sake of thoroughness.  They all showed that he was neurologically A-OK, which clearly annoyed her just a little.  She wasn’t fighting the dream-magic explanation and insisting that there had to be a more rational one; she would accept it but she wasn’t  _ happy _ about it, that was about the size of it.  His dad seemed… puzzled, and worried, but also unwilling to stick his oar in on Gem business.  He felt guilty, guilty and guilty.

It was hard to sleep that night, though he wasn’t sure whether that was because he’d had too much sleep lately or because he was feeling so unsettled.  It seemed like asking for trouble to try dream travelling again so soon, and he ended up sitting up in bed playing  _ Pokémon _ until he more or less passed out over the GameBoy.

Amethyst woke him up in the morning with a bowl of cereal with orange soda on it, which was both kind and a little gross and thus emblematic of herself.

“I don’t think this is what snap, crackle and  _ pop _ means,” he said, poking his spoon into the bowl dubiously.  He liked to consider himself an adventurous eater but breakfast shouldn’t fizz.

“Well, sometimes you put juice on it if there’s no milk and it isn’t  _ that _ different, is it?” Amethyst asked, sitting down on the bed and swinging her legs.

“Are we out of milk?”  He tried a spoonful.  It was… surprisingly tolerable.  Definitely sweet.

“There’s milk, I just thought this’d be more interesting.  How you feelin’ today?”

“Physically pretty good?  A mini-coma sure is restful.  I think the trick is to keep it short and sweet, come out of it before you get all that muscle atrophy stuff.  You?”

“Not bad.  Garnet and Pearl gave me a Big Talk.”

“They did?” Steven asked, pausing with the spoon halfway to his mouth.

“It was so weird.  Like they’re actually trusting me to help you deal with this.  It was all very WE WANT YOU TO UNDERSTAND HOW SERIOUS THIS IS but also… like they actually think the two of us can handle it together?”

“They didn’t say that to me,” Steven said, nonplussed.  

“You said you didn’t wanna talk about it and I guess they’re taking you seriously.   _ Our mutual friend _ should be proud of you, right?”

“Who’s our — oh,  _ right.” _  He winked heavily to show he understood.  “Probably not, I think she just wanted me to lay down the law.  That’s still not really me.  So they don’t care if we’re sort of doing a secret team?”

“Well, the thing is.”  Amethyst flopped onto her back and pointed her toes at the ceiling.  “It doesn’t look to them like we kept a secret  _ exactly. _  It looks like we were doin’ something, we didn’t  _ announce _ it, but when Pearl asked me I just told her about it with no fuss.  And you kinda  _ do _ have a right to say your dreams are your own dang business.  And you and me do make the best dream team ‘cause say what you want about me, I rule at sleeping.  It all looks sorta reasonable.”

“It feels like… I don’t know, we’re so  _ lucky _ that we’re not in any trouble but I feel guilty about the luck!”

“I know dude.  ‘Sweird.  Do you think my boots are too much?”

“No, I think they’re really cool.  I like your whole outfit.  I hope -  _ our mutual friend _ does too.  I was thinking!”  He put aside the empty cereal bowl and leaned over to whisper just in case anyone was around to overhear.  “When she reforms, do you think she’ll come back wearing the same uniform like Peridot did?  Or something different because she wants a big change?”

“I’m not sure Peri  _ can _ change her duds.  No reason why OMF couldn’t.  I think she’s prolly more worried about whether she’ll reform with the right amount of legs than what she’ll wear  _ on _ those legs.”

“I wonder if she’ll want to wear a star!”

“I’d be surprised.”

“But you know she’s thinking about living with us, right?  She’s thinking about the future.  She talked about it being easier  _ not _ to live with Lapis.  I just — I just really hope that she’s going to get to see how great Garnet and Pearl are and she’ll want to be friends.  Wouldn’t it be beautiful if they could do that even though they were on different sides of a war?”

Amethyst looked very doubtful.  “It’d be beautiful, but don’t get your heart set on it.  I feel like we’re doing pretty great because she doesn’t care about fighting them any more.”

“I hope she’s okay today.  She should feel so proud of herself.  You want to go back tonight and check on her?”

“Oh yeah, definitely.  But are you up to it so soon?  Like I know you just had the ultimate sleep-in, but you don’t wanna blow that straight away by getting all tired again.”

“Well, the sooner we can get her ready to get back out in the world, the sooner I can take a real break from it.  Thanks for the breakfast.  I’m full of carbohydrates  _ and _ carbonation!”

 

They didn’t get to go that night because of an increasingly unlikely series of events that at least culminated in Ronaldo Fryman making up with his erstwhile girlfriend Jane, so the property damage was probably justified.  It was a shame about the mayor’s van, though.  They never did find the head.

 

Amethyst wasn’t sure what to expect.  She’d said scribbles all over the walls, but that had been more of a let’s-not-get-too-emotional-here joke than a real request.  Jasper had outdone herself, though, in one of her stubborn outbursts of productivity.  Instead of imagining flowers into existence, she’d drawn them all over the hole-pocked cliffs in glowing never-ending marker colours, hibiscus and sunflowers and hydrangeas and morning glory.  Instead of broken injectors, the floor of the canyon was littered with oversized marker pens the size of baseball bats; she must have blown them up.  Steven’s eyes lit up and he grinned hugely as he gazed around at the display.

It was interesting how they were never, strictly speaking,  _ good _ drawings in the sense of being  _ accurate _ but they were always totally  _ recognisable. _  If you’d put one of Jasper’s hydrangeas next to a photo of a hydrangea it would have looked a bit weird and pathetic, and yet she’d managed to include all the things that made it  _ look like _ a hydrangea so there was no mistake, it looked totally hydrangey.  What was more, she had to be drawing them from memories thousands of years old, unless she’d spent some of her time in between trapping corrupted Gems visiting botanical gardens and taking notes.  It was impressive.  You could see how the ones nearer the mouth of her own cave were vaguer and more hesitant, but as they spread out they got bolder, more confident and precise in a simplified way.

Something else new and strange was that Jasper was sitting in the mouth of her cave, dangling her feet and leaning back on her hands.  When she saw them she waved - not a big enthusiastic wave like the one Steven responded with but still a gesture that said she was glad to see them.  She'd tied her hair back in a ponytail again and the hibiscus Steven had conjured up was stuck into the knot that secured it.  

“Jasper!” Steven yelled, running over and demonstrating why running on loose sand in flip-flops was a bad idea; plumes of sand sprayed up behind him and he wallowed and almost fell.  “You’ve made it beautiful!”

“I’ve made it less butt-ugly, I’ll give you that,” Jasper said, looking rather pleased.  “What do you think, Amethyst?”

“I’m impressed and a little freaked out how much you did!  How’d you get right up to the tops of the walls?  What are you, a spider monkey?”

“I’m just a good climber,” Jasper said, shrugging.  “There are a lot of handholds and footholds with all the holes.  And where there weren’t any, I - you’ll like this I think - I cheated with shapeshifting.”

“How do you mean cheated?”

“Well, I’ve seen you do weird stretchy stuff enough to get the general idea.  I can’t figure out how you make extra hands that will do what you tell them to, and I got grossed out trying, but I can go like - well, look.”  She held up her hand and morphed it into a crude pick-axe shape, then leaned out sideways and whacked it into the cliff wall between two sunflowers.  “Huh?”

“Nice!” said Amethyst, boosting Steven up to the cave mouth and scrambling up after him.

“And,” Jasper went on, tugging her pick-hand free, “I’m getting better at stretching that arm out.  I didn’t figure out what I could do until I’d done a lot of it the hard way clambering around, but in the end I realised I could climb up to the top, anchor myself with that hand, and then kind of abseil down, just making the arm longer on the way down.  And sometimes I stretched the other one out to get a marker I’d left somewhere else!  I mean I know this is basic stuff and it’s pretty pathetic to be all excited about it,” she added quickly.

“It’s basic ‘cause it’s a simple idea but that doesn’t mean it’s easy to do.  Or keep doing — that really takes stamina,” Steven pointed out.

“Yeah,” said Amethyst.  “This is your official permission to feel proud of yourself.”

Jasper grinned and her cheeks turned red and she changed the subject in a hurry.  “I was wondering about this, you know, as a skill.  Whether it’s something that will carry through when — if I ever reform.  Maybe it’s just in my mind and I’ll have to learn it all over again with my real body.  It’s still probably useful as practice.”

“Oh, no doubt.”

“Are you thinking about when you reform?” Steven asked eagerly.  “And speaking of reforming, have you noticed Amethyst’s new look?”

“Oh!” said Jasper, her eyes widening.  “What happened?”

“Uh.  You kind of poofed me again.”

“What?”  Jasper’s face fell.  “How?  I couldn’t have even touched you.”

“Whatever you did with the chain that got us stuck here for a while, it was like it pulled us both down a layer from where we usually are.  Amethyst poofed and I went into a coma!” Steven exclaimed.

“What’s a coma?” she asked, looking still more alarmed.

“It’s basically the human version of being poofed.  I mean, your body’s still there, but you’re asleep and nothing will wake you up.  I’m fine now!  We’re both fine.  Check out Amethyst’s shiny knees!”

“I - I’m sorry,” Jasper said.  “It was such a stupid thing to do.”

“Don’t beat yourself up about it,” Amethyst said.  “You didn’t know what would happen.”

“That’s  _ why _ it was so stupid.”

“Oh sure, fair point, but you know what balances out doin’ something stupid?  Dumb luck!  We’ve got a ton of it.  Stee-man and me are fine.  Are you ever gonna do that again?”

“No!”

“Problem solved.”

“You shouldn’t forgive me so easily,” Jasper mumbled.

“I can if I want.”  Amethyst crossed her arms and shrugged, daring Jasper to make something of it.

“Uh, your knees do look good.  I mean, the whole thing.  You’ve — you’ve got some style after all,” Jasper said gruffly.

“You can wear whatever style you want when you reform!” Steven put in brightly.  “Won’t that be fun?”

Jasper looked at him uneasily.  “I’d be doing well if I could just reform as  _ me. _  Putting together a great outfit is a low priority.”

Amethyst thought of Peridot’s story about Jasper picking out a cape and bit her lip so as not to grin.  “Yeah, don’t worry, you’ll look cool in whatever.”

“What’re you smiling about?” Jasper asked, narrowing her eyes in suspicion.

“The, uh, the happy thought of you reforming!”

Jasper sighed and picked at one of the shrinking patches of green on her arm.  “If we try it, and I’m not saying I’m ready to try it,  _ you _ have to be ready in case I come back wrong.  In that case you knock me back out before I have a chance to do anything… stupid.  I don’t want to be like that again.  At least in here I feel like me.  That isn’t the world’s greatest thing to feel like but it’s better than that.”

“What do you mean?” Steven asked gently.  “What did you feel like?”

Jasper looked away.  

“You don’t have to say,” he added quickly.  “Only if you want to tell us.”

She breathed out, a long gusty exhalation.  “You can guess, can’t you?  I felt like everything was lost, ruined, I’d failed totally.  The last chance to put things right was gone.  You acted like you didn’t even know what I was talking about.  I — I know now you really didn’t and that’s not your fault, but it hurt so much.  All the things I had done that I hated, telling myself it would be worth it in the end, were never worth it at all.  I had nothing left, I  _ was _ nothing… and I couldn’t even think straight, there was so much pain.  And my body changed.  It was like my body changed  _ into the pain _ , changed into what I was feeling. __ No, that doesn’t describe it right.  I don’t know how to describe it.  But I changed and I couldn’t stop it, I didn’t have any control of myself at all.  And I didn’t understand what was going on any more, I was out of my mind with panic and despair and…  In one way Peridot did me a favour although it would’ve been nice if she’d found a way to do it that hurt less than stabbing me through the gut.”  She finished off with a small, jagged laugh.

“Aw, sis.”  Amethyst leaned against Jasper’s shoulder.

“I know they’re all so confused,” Jasper said slowly.  “I came in and acted like I knew what was what and I could lead them and even though I was being so rough on them, they were so grateful for that they wanted to stay with me.  Anyway,” she added more briskly, “I think I know one advantage I’ve got on them.  I haven’t been stuck like that a long time.  Some of them have lived as corruptions longer than they lived as normal Gems.  I can’t imagine what that’s like.  Huh, obviously I hope I never find out.”

“We’re gonna do everything we can to help you come back as your real, normal self,” Steven said firmly.

“Or you know, as normal as I get,” Jasper said wryly.  “The more I think about it, the more of a mess I think I’ve been for a long time now.  Half the time I really believed I was everything I was made out to be and I loved all the attention I got, and then the other half I knew none of it was true and I hated all the people fawning on me for being so stupid.  That’s not really normal, is it?”  Before they could answer she got to her feet.  “Can I show you something else I drew?”

“Uh, yeah, of course,” Steven said.

“Right,” said Jasper, and vaulted down from the cave mouth.  Then she turned and held out her hands to Steven.  He looked at them in confusion.  “Well, do you want a lift down or not?” she said irritably.

“Oh!  Thank you.”  She picked him up under the armpits and swung him down to the sand, not terribly gently but not roughly or carelessly either, and turned back for Amethyst.

“I don’t have to be an elevator, you know, I’m just trying to be nice.”  She set Amethyst down and walked off down the canyon, gesturing impatiently for them to follow her.  “I did a lot of thinking while you were gone,” she said over her shoulder.  “Had a lot of time to think while I was drawing.  About what’s wrong with me.”  She disappeared around a corner and they scampered after her.

The flower drawings stopped at the corner and the walls from here were mostly bare.  There was one tall drawing, though, that spanned from top to bottom like a kind of vertical comic strip.

“That,” said Jasper, pointing up to the top, “is the fake, hyped-up me who’s all shiny and great and important.”  It was a life-size self-portrait with her helmet on, hair and cape blowing dramatically in the wind, standing with her legs apart and her fists on her hips like a superhero.  The heroic figure’s face was an orange blank - she had drawn her stripes, but no eyes, nose or mouth.  “And down here at the bottom,” she went on, swinging her arm down, “is how I feel.  Well, it’s how I feel at my worst.  It’s how I was feeling when you came and found me.”  It was her corrupted form grovelling on the ground — at least, Amethyst thought that was what it was supposed to be.  At least, it was sort of recognisable but went to show that Jasper hadn’t been in that form very long at all and certainly hadn’t had a chance to see herself in a mirror.  It was just monstrous and writhing and horned and blotched with Malachite green, and it was held down by enormous loops of chain.

“And in between,” Jasper said, lifting her arm again, “is kind of — the me I’m trying to be with you.”  She had drawn herself without the helmet, with her nose visible, if still no eyes or mouth, with the diamond on her chest coloured pink, and with her hands outstretched to hold the hands of a similarly stylised Amethyst and Steven.  “And I know the hand-holdng’s incredibly sentimental but I just couldn’t think of another visual way to show that you’ve become my friends.  So it’s the best me, which isn’t real, and the worst me, which — which doesn’t  _ have _ to be real either.  And maybe the middle one  _ could _ be real.  What do you think?”

“I think it’s  _ great,” _ Steven said.

“Well, of course  _ you _ do,” Jasper said, smiling crookedly.  “You’re  _ Steven.” _

“Yeah, but I’m Amethyst and I approve that message,” Amethyst said, nodding.  “Is there a reason why the middle you isn’t exactly in the middle?  She’s higher up.”

“Well, I still aspire to be  _ above average,” _ Jasper said, as if it should be obvious.

“Of course you do,” Amethyst said, grinning.  “You’re Jasper.”


	15. Chapter 15

Neither Steven nor Amethyst wanted to hurry Jasper, and maybe it was for the best to take things easy for a while.  They kept visiting her every other night, practising their Gem reading and writing, and when that got too heavy drawing all over the canyon walls with oversized markers.  Steven engaged in a feat of creative thinking and conjured up a tub full of water balloons filled with different coloured paints and they spent an excellent and satisfactory time first hucking them at a blank bit of wall to make a mural of splatters and dribbles, then an even more excellent and satisfactory time hucking them at each other, until they were all completely caked with paint and sand and he had to summon a bucket again.  

Sometimes if Jasper was in a good mood — there were still most definitely times when she wasn't — she would tell them what she could remember of Gem myths and legends.  They would sprawl in the puddle of sunset light that filled the mouth of the cave, Steven and Amethyst leaning companionably against Jasper, and she would narrate, at first rather stiffly and gruffly but warming up to the subject as she went on, sometimes even attempting different voices for the characters or getting dramatic with whispers and growls and shouts.  They heard about the duel between the first two Jaspers (which was why strong Gems needed stronger Diamonds to rule them, or they would have destroyed each other), about how Brown Diamond created Pearls, about the doomed love between Aquamarine and Carnelian, about the great voyage of Topaz and her forty Amethyst companions.

“Man, forty of me on one ship and she didn’t crack up,” Amethyst said.  “Topaz  _ was _ tough.”

“If she was even real,” Jasper said, shrugging.  “I mean obviously there was a first Topaz at some point.  The stories are always about first Gems of their types who set the pattern for those who followed.  But who knows?  Maybe she was like me, shiny outside and hollow inside.  Maybe it’s all just hype that got so old it turned into mythology.  I never would have thought about that before.”

“That’s our subversive influence,” Amethyst said, with a shady grin.

Jasper’s bad moods now were more likely to take the form of restless, impatient grouchiness than face-down despair.  She would lose her temper with them when they were slow to understand something she tried to explain, but even more so with herself when she was the slow one.  Steven’s attempt to teach her the basics of ukulele (on a blown-up Jasper-scale imaginary ukulele) ended in a badly busted blown-up Jasper-scale imaginary ukulele, a lot of furious self-directed yelling about stupidity and an alarmingly hard smack to her own forehead.  She might have done worse if she hadn’t seen at that point how aghast he looked.

“Don’t — don’t look so scared, I’m not going to hurt  _ you.”   _ She lowered her hands, holding them palm-out to show him they weren’t weapons, at the moment anyway.

“Don’t hurt  _ yourself!” _

“I can take it,” Jasper mumbled, looking away guiltily.  Steven drew a breath to reply and she cut him off.  “I’m sorry!  Sorry, sorry.  All right?  But you should have known this wouldn’t work!  I can’t  _ do _ things like that, you can’t expect a Quartz to make music.”

“Uh, partial Quartz sitting right here,” said Steven, pulling up his teeshirt.

“But you’re something else as well!  Didn’t you say your human father taught you music?  Tell him, Amethyst.”  She swung her arm round to Amethyst, clearly expecting back-up on her innate musical uselessness.

“Uh, Steven?  Drum me.”  Amethyst snapped her fingers at him.

“On it.”  He scrunched up his face in imaginative effort and a drum kit popped up in front of her.  She proceeded to play the most lavish drum solo she could while staring Jasper straight in the eye the entire time, finishing with a cymbal crash and a little ripple on chimes just to be fancy.

“Well, thank you for betraying me right to my face,” Jasper said.  Her face was a study; she was clearly fighting a battle to stay grumpy on principle while also being wildly impressed and curious.

“Least I didn’t stab you in the back,” Amethyst said, spinning a drumstick between her fingers.

“To be fair,” Jasper said slowly, “that was not so much  _ music _ as it was very technical and artful  _ hitting things,  _ which is exactly what Quartzes are good for.”

“Keep tellin’ yourself that, sis.”

“How did you learn how to do that?”

“Greg taught me.  Steven’s dad.  He can play a little of everything and once we got to the end of what he could teach me I got better on my own.”

_ “Why _ did you do that?”

“I just wanted to.  I enjoy it.  It makes a great noise, right?”

Jasper looked from her to Steven, frowning and visibly thinking.  “Is Steven’s dad someone important or elite?  In human terms at least?”

“He’s important to  _ us,”  _ said Steven.

“Naw, Greg’s just a guy.  He’s a good guy.  He’s Good Guy Greg.  Why’d you ask?”

“I don’t know.  I’ve tried sometimes, since getting to know Steven, to figure out what sort of human gets a powerful Gem like Rose Quartz to supposedly fall in love with him.  If he were an important musician that might make sense.”  Jasper crouched down by the drum kit and poked the hi-hat with her forefinger.  Amethyst made it chatter at her and she jumped and glared at her, to which Amethyst stuck out her tongue.

“Well, his music was definitely part of how he got her attention,” Steven said, “but he’s not important like  _ famous _ and  _ influential.   _ If that was what she was looking for my name’d probably be Steven Bowie or something.”

“His gimmick was also space,” Amethyst pointed out.  “Not such a crazy idea.”

“I don’t think Mom ever cared about whether people were supposed to be important,” Steven said, “or more likely she thought  _ everyone _ was important in their own way.  I guess after being impressed by the music she loved Dad for his personality the most.  He’s kind and funny and he keeps on hoping and trying no matter what.”

“Not to be all superficial and gross but Greg really was pretty hot when he first showed up,” Amethyst said.  “I’m just saying it didn’t hurt.  He  _ was _ my hair role model.”

“Seriously?” Jasper asked.  “He has hair like a Quartz?”  She was tapping on the snare drum with her fingernail now.  

“Like  _ that _ explains him and Rose?”

“No, I’ll buy that great personality stuff if you say so, it's just weird that the right kind of hair should come around into your life that way, via a person that isn't even a Gem.  So did Rose Quartz never tell you how you should wear your hair?”

“Nup, she left it up to me.  Didn't want to cramp my style.”

“It's a big thing, you know.  Changing your hair.  You have to earn it, prove your worth before you get clearance to change it next time you reform.  I got mine early, obviously.  She may not have wanted to cramp you, but you missed out on a rite of passage.”

“So has your hair not always been big and fluffy?” Steven asked.  

“We all start off with it short and kind of choppy.”

“Even Mom?  It's so hard to imagine her without, you know, fairy princess hair.”  Steven made a two-handed gesture spiralling out from the sides of his head.  

“Must have been, not that I was around to see.”

“Oh my gosh, maybe her hair looked like _mine_ short.  Only pink of course.  I wonder if it did!”

“You seem really excited about that,” Jasper said, looking puzzled.  

“I don't usually think — you know, I couldn't look like her because I guess my physical stuff is all from Dad?  And I really don't look like the pictures of her.  But maybe she used to look more like me and she changed so going the other way, I might change to look more like her!”

“When you reform, sure, you could focus on that,” Jasper said.  

“Oh,” said Steven, “no.  I mean it when I say my physical stuff is from Dad.  I have a  _ physical  _ body with guts and everything.   I'm not exactly the same as a regular human because I’ve got Gem energy in me too but I just change bit by bit by growing.  When I do grow.  Which I don’t always get my act together to do.”

“So… could you take the gemstone out of your body and go on living as a regular human?”

“I… don't think so?  And it's not the kind of thing you want to experiment on to find out.  You can't do it just a little bit to see what happens without going all the way.  I might  _ die.” _

“You're going to die anyway, aren't you?  I mean, don't humans die really easily?  Or will  _ you _ not because you’ve got a gemstone?”

“This is kind of a morbid conversation,” he said, chuckling uneasily.  “Can we talk about something else?  Nearly anything else?”

“Oh.  All right.”  Jasper looked as if she wasn’t really sure what was wrong with her conversational tangent, but wasn’t so committed to it that she couldn’t try another.  She turned to Amethyst.  “Did you make one of your feet into a hand to hold another… drum hitting stick?  How do you hit that big one at the bottom?”

“Naw, I got a pedal.  Come round this side and have a look.”  Amethyst demonstrated the kick drum pedal for her, gently bumping the bass drum to produce a soft “boof boof boof.”  “You wanna try?”  She swivelled her stool away.  Jasper put her toe down on the pedal carefully.  The beater rose up and touched the drumskin so lightly it didn’t make any appreciable sound.  She tried again and produced another soft “boof.”  Her eyes lit up and she slammed her foot down and the beater punched straight through the skin.

“Whoa there, Animal!” Amethyst exclaimed, delighted.  

“I broke  _ another _ instrument?  You know, this one is  _ not _ my fault, this thing is  _ weak.” _

“Steven’ll fix it.  Steeman, come drool on this drum.”

“I don’t have to drool on it, it’s a  _ dream _ drum.  It’s a… a dreaum.”  He wiggled his fingers in the air.  “Lo!  The drum is healed.”

“Wreck it as many times as you want,” Amethyst said expansively.

“Oh, I don’t need to now,” Jasper said.

“I know you want to.  You know you want to.  Let’s not pretend.”

The beater punched through the skin and Jasper made a noise that coming from someone less enormous and intimidating might have been classified as a giggle.  “Okay, that's enough,” she said, pulling herself together.  

“I can show you the ropes if you want.  I'm not a super patient teacher like Steven but I feel like you might catch onto percussion faster.”

“No, I — I feel better, you distracted me from being mad at myself, but I think I’m still too wound up to learn anything right now.”  Jasper sat down, holding her feet with both hands, and sighed.  “I’m sorry about the… tantrum.  For-real sorry, not just stop-talking-about-it sorry.  It's still really hard to remember to stop myself or say it doesn't have to be true or anything like that.”

“You’ll get it, you just need to keep practising.”  Steven patted her knee.  “I don’t remember all the time either.  Yesterday I got  _ really _ upset because I hated the end of the book I finished reading, it felt so sad and hopeless and lonely, even though I knew it was just a story.  Later on I talked about it with Connie — she  _ liked _ the sad ending because she said it made you really feel the stakes of what had happened that so much was lost, even for the main character who you’d expect to be okay.  But I still ended up having to write my own end for it where he finds a hidden time machine and gets to go back to his family just after he disappeared.  I felt a little better after that.”

“Who’s Connie?  I mean who is she exactly?  You mention her every now and then but you never really explain her.”

“Oh my gosh, didn’t I?  But you’ve met her, I mean, you’ve seen her, technically you’ve  _ fought _ her.  She’s my best friend and she fuses with me to form Stevonnie.  Remember?  Pearl trained her?  And she fights with my mom’s sword?”

“I… honestly didn’t pay that much attention to her, I was so focused on you.  My mistake, I guess.  The idea that a human fights with Rose Quartz’s sword still boggles my mind, frankly.”

“Connie is  _ so great. _  I mean, you two didn’t get off to the best start, obviously, but you got off to an even worse start with me and look how much we like each other now!  I think you two will really hit it off.”

“I’ll have to apologise to her too, won’t I,” Jasper said dryly.

“Prrrrrobably be a good idea.  Just to pave the way to Friendship Town.”

“Connie  _ is _ pretty cool,” Amethyst said.  “She’s tough and scrappy, she’s funny, she’s smart but she’s not stuck up.  She’s a good egg.  She’s basically everything Pearl would’ve liked me to be.”

“Really?” Steven asked.

“Yeah, you know, she’s got nice manners, doesn’t give lip, always wants to learn, ate a dictionary.  Well, I  _ have _ eaten a dictionary but I did it for a bet.”

“Well, then Pearl’s wrong,” said Jasper firmly.  “Apart from being small you’re exactly how you should be.  If she wants you to be different she just doesn’t get Amethysts.”

“You sure about that?”

“Yes!  Amethysts are  _ supposed _ to be kind of rude and weird.  You heard the story about Topaz and her forty brave companions and all the stuff they got up to.  Everyone loves that story because it’s high adventure and Topaz is heroic and noble  _ and _ it’s really funny because the Amethysts are so goofy  _ but _ they pull it together as soon as things get serious and they  _ never _ let her down.  You got that, didn’t you?  I may have told it wrong.”

“You started off telling me being a Quartz means you don’t get to be nice and you just have to fight,” Amethyst said thoughtfully.  “You didn’t mention anything about being goofy but good in a tight spot.”

“I was in a really dark place.  Literally, but you know what I mean.  Anyway, Jaspers aren’t funny, but Amethysts can be.  The fighting is still the most important part, it’s your  _ purpose, _ but Amethysts… they keep everyone’s spirits up, they’re good for morale.   _ That _ was part of why it was so horrible when half a battalion went over to the Crystal Gems.”

“But they  _ did _ go over to the Crystal Gems and Pearl must have  _ known _ them so why did she expect something different from me?” Amethyst asked.

Jasper shrugged.  “Dunno.  Maybe she never really liked Amethyst humour and she was hoping you’d be different because you didn’t have other ones influencing you.”

“She never really seemed to mind when Rose was still around,” Amethyst said, her voice trailing off.  

“You… should probably ask her instead of wondering about it by yourself,” Steven said hesitantly.  “Me and Jasper care but we don’t know the answers.”

“I don’t think I wanna hear it.  Things are a lot better now.  I don’t wanna mess with that by asking her things I might really not like to hear.”

“Pearl loves you.  I know she loves you,” Steven said earnestly.

“Yeah, I know.  Deep down.  Anyhoo!  Connie’s swell, big J, you’re gonna like her.  Change the subject!”

“Ooh, I have something!”  Steven exclaimed, sitting up straighter.  “It's about Gem abilities and talents.  I wanted to ask you, Jasper.  How did you manage to round up so many corrupted Gems in such a short time?”

“What, like it's hard?” Jasper asked.  As far as Amethyst could tell she wasn't being sarcastic or trying to be cute.  She couldn't rule out a million to one chance but she  _ probably  _ wasn't quoting Reese Witherspoon either. 

“Well, yeah, it really is.  Garnet gets vibes about where they're likely to show up but it would’ve taken us months to find as many as you collected in, what, a few weeks?  How’d you track them down?”

Jasper opened her mouth as if she was going to answer and then stopped.  She frowned in thought and her lips moved briefly as if she were running something by herself.  Then she put her hands on her knees, leaned down, looked Steven straight in the eye with her own eyes very wide and round and guileless and said very carefully and distinctly, “I guess you could say I have a  _ nose _ for it.”

There was an awkward silence.   Steven looked confused and then a spark struck in his eyes and he gaped in astonishment and glee. 

“Oh my gosh Jasper!   Your first really bad joke!  Pungratulations!”  Her flung his arms out and hugged her round the head.  Amethyst pounced on the back of her head, cackling, and she made a big show of trying to buck them off.  

“I told you Jaspers aren't funny,” she said, grinning, as Steven slithered off and landed in her lap.  

“We’re rubbing off on you,” Amethyst crowed, holding two bunches of Jasper’s hair to keep her seat on her shoulders.  “Soon you'll be as dorky as we are.”

“Holy smokes, I  _ hope _ not.”  Jasper flopped her head forward so that Amethyst somersaulted off and hung by her hands, giggling.  

“I never expected you to say something like that!” Steven said, somewhere under all the hair. 

“Neither did I,” Jasper said, a little muffled.  “I was going to try and answer you seriously and then it just popped into my head and I guess I couldn't resist.  So yeah, I blame you.  Amethyst, let go my hair or when it all falls out I’ll stuff it down your neck.”

“Oh, you think I’m scared of a dork like you?” Amethyst asked, letting go and blowing a raspberry.  “I’ll letcha go this time so Steven doesn't suffocate.”

“I still win,” Jasper said, tossing back her hair and rumpling the pulled spots with her hands.  Her face was shining.  Amethyst had to wonder if she'd never actually experienced how good it felt to make people laugh before.  “Phew!  I guess I do owe you a real answer but the truth is I really didn't know I did something special.  It's not as if I ever dealt with corrupted Gems before.  I didn't even know how corruption worked.  I just did what seemed obvious.  Where they'd be  _ felt _ obvious.  How to handle them and stuff — well, for that much they were still  _ Quartzes,  _ you’d have noticed I specialised.  Except that thing with no head and no real gemstone that I could find.  That's one of the experiments Peridot was supposed to be checking on, I think, the shard fusions.  It creeped me out but I thought I'd better keep it for her.  Just in case I ever saw her again.”

“Maybe you're like Peridot and you have talents you never knew about because you were never in a situation that brought them out.  Like… beast wrangling!   Or smelling them out.  Did you really use your nose or were you just being  _ extremely _ witty?”

“I don't know,” Jasper said, shaking her head and leaning back on her hands.  “Like I said, it all felt obvious.  I’d call it instinct except it doesn't feel like the fighting instinct, so maybe it's more like intuition.”

“So you can do something no one but Garnet could do before, and at least for Quartz Gems you can do it better than her.  I just want you to know that's kind of incredible.  Don't shrug it off just ‘cause it came naturally.”

“Well, I was also obsessed with doing this one thing to avenge Pink Diamond and prove my whole life meant something and wasn't just a pathetic sham,  _ and  _ throwing myself into it extra hard so I didn't have to think about Lapis, so I might've been a  _ little  _ bit more motivated than Garnet.  I'm just saying that might be a factor.”  Jasper’s smile had faded a bit.  “Well, whatever it is and however I do it, maybe it’ll be useful again someday.”

“It makes me really happy when you say things like that,” Steven said.

“What, about how my life is horrible and I use obsessive tunnel vision to cope?”

“No!  Things that show you’re thinking about the future and what you can still do.  It’s encouraging!  Back me up, Amethyst.”

Jasper’s eyes darted sideways to Amethyst, who had the strong impression that she’d said more than she meant to, maybe said more than she’d realised was true until it came out, and didn’t want to discuss it until she’d thought it over to herself.  Either she was growing an intuition too or she was just projecting her own messiness like crazy, but she was willing to run interference.

“Yeah, it really is but you know what?  Too much sittin’ around talking!  Let’s  _ do _ something before Steven’s gotta wake up!”

They rounded out that visit with a vigorous and idiotic game of Canyon Bouncy Balls, with Steven an honorary participant in a bubble.

 

Amethyst arrived on the Maheswarans’ doorstep feeling that she had really outdone herself on the social etiquette side of things, since she had not only cased the joint ahead of time to make sure Priyanka was home, but had then scurried down the street to where she’d earlier spotted a bakery and bought cakes.  That was payback for the ginger snaps last time and she’d put some thought into picking out cakes that looked  _ classy, _ so there was a lemon curd tartlet, and a tiramisu cup thing, and a piece of sticky ginger and treacle cake if ginger was Priyanka’s jam, and then a squishy disgusting pink and white marshmallow puff thing with actual jam inside because she couldn’t resist it.  Good to go.

She knocked on the door and waited, trying to hold the cake box level so they wouldn’t slide around and mush into each other, although left to herself she would have liked to shake the box up and make a cake scramble.  After a few moments Priyanka popped her head out.  Whoops.  She was wearing a bathrobe and had her hair wrapped up in a towel.  Amethyst hadn’t counted on human hygiene and how some of them did it as a  _ hobby. _

“Uh, hi,” she said, then, more hopefully, “I brought cakes!”

“Oh, hello, Amethyst.”

“Did I get you at a bad time?”

“Not really, I’d already finished my bath when you knocked.  Come in and wait in the kitchen and I’ll get dressed.”

Amethyst waited and tried not to kick her heels against the legs of the kitchen chair.  She wondered about finding a plate and putting the cakes on it but she had a feeling Priyanka might be iffy about other people rummaging through her cupboards.  She didn’t want to get herself kicked out when she had stuff to report and questions to ask, but she was near death from boredom when Priyanka finally appeared in clean clothes, with her hair damp but combed.

“Hey!  You want some cakes?” 

“Thank you,” Priyanka said, opening the flap of the cake box as if she thought a frog might hop out at her, and brightening when she saw that they were indeed cakes and apparently nice ones.  

“Yeah, take your pick.  I wanted to say thanks for the advice last time and maybe put a down payment on some more.”

“I’ll start the tea, then.”  She carried the cake box off to the counter and started the whole fancy tea process while Amethyst fought down every instinct she possessed to squirm and fidget.  “Which one do you want?” she asked over her shoulder. 

“Oh, I’m good with anything, I didn't pick any I wouldn't wanna eat.”

“All right then, I’ll put the ginger cake aside for Doug when he gets home and Connie can have the lemon one for dessert tonight.”

Amethyst wondered in dismay if there was any non-rude way to say she'd been thinking they'd have two each (or if Priyanka only wanted one she’d happily clean up three).  On the other hand, bringing enough for Connie and her dad to have some too was probably worth consideration points, right?   Then Priyanka mildly shocked her by bringing over the tea tray and setting down the tiramisu in front of her, keeping the marshmallow and jam monstrosity for herself. 

_ Is she really going to eat that thing with a cake fork?  She really is.  Wow. _  And she was going to have to tackle the tiramisu with a pretty little silver spoon instead of chugging it.  Amethyst usually experienced consequences at such high speed and with such bruising force that a drip-feed of awkwardness really confused her.  Still, she’d brought this on herself, and anyway tiramisu was damn good even if it was a little fancier than she usually went for.

“So, uh, you said I could come tell you how things were going.  I mean, you said if I wanted to complain about Jasper being a jerk who doesn’t want to get better, but I figured I could probably also show up with better news, right?”

“You don’t look as worried as you did last time, so I guessed things might be improving.”  It was infuriating to watch Priyanka eat the marshmallow puff thing; she forked off such small pieces and it looked like she held each one in her mouth to let it melt and Amethyst was all for savouring and appreciating a delicious treat but there was such a thing as being a slowpoke.  At least she looked like a happy slowpoke.

“It’s not like they’re all better yet.  There’s probably still a long way to go, and she’s still really short-tempered and grouchy and extra, and she does this weird thing where she tries to stand up for me but she does it by saying something so mean about someone else that I kind of don’t want her on my side, but she’s trying so, so hard.  She’s so  _ determined. _  She’s the Determinator.  I think it’s kind of hardwired, like she tried to give up but she sucked at it so here she is trying again.  I’m pretty proud of her.”  She drank some tea to wash down a mouthful of tiramisu and discovered how enjoyably weird it was to taste coffee, chocolate, booze and tea at the same time, like multiple vices colliding in her mouth.  She sort of wanted to try eating a cigarette at the same time to see what  _ that  _ did.

“Well, that’s encouraging.  Are you still hearing a lot of the just world fallacy?”

“Hmm.  I  _ haven’t _ heard her talk about that in a while.  But I haven’t really heard her talk about the others for a while either, except for one who she’s started to feel bad about how she treated her.  I did sort of expect her to say she’d been wrong and Oash  _ didn’t _ deserve any of the stuff that happened to her, but she just talked about how  _ she _ \- Jasper, I mean, but the other one is called Ocean Jasper, and I’ve been calling her Oash in my head to save time - was mean to her and used her.  The stuff  _ she _ was responsible for.  She knows she’s gonna have to find her sooner or later and try to make it up to her and she’s scared Oash won’t forgive her, plus she’s  _ really _ proud so she thinks it’s humiliating.”

“Is there a sort of family of Jaspers?” Priyanka asked, breaking through to the jam core of the puff with her fork.

“They… should be like a family, I think, but they’re not yet.  Jasper’s been separated from all of them for a long time, and she’s been thinking she’s better than them and they were all worthless because they didn’t survive like she did — not that they all  _ died _ but… you know monsters?”

“Yes, unfortunately I do.”

“A lot of monsters are Gems who’ve got like an illness we call corruption.  It changes their bodies and messes with their minds and I don’t really understand how it works.  I don’t think  _ they _ understand how it works, and they can’t talk to us to explain it.  Jasper’s got it too but it’s like a second-hand dose.  We’ve got a way to talk to her that’s safe.”

“I don’t know how safe it is if it results in Steven going into a coma,” Priyanka said, and sipped her tea.

Amethyst inadvertently bent her spoon.  “Uh… you figured that out, huh?”

“You’ve just confirmed it.  I had my suspicions but I didn’t really have anything to support the link except intuition.  I’d made up my mind that if Steven was unconscious for one more day I would tell the Gems what you’d told me and see what they could make of it.”

“You’re not supposed to do that!  What about that oath?  Hippocratic, that one!”

“There are a  _ lot _ of misconceptions about that,” Priyanka said, rolling her eyes.  “I blame TV.  In any case, if there’s a clear risk of harm to you or someone else if I say nothing, that overrides my obligation to keep your information confidential.  I still can’t quite believe I sat on it as long as I did — it’s only the fact that there was alien psychic  _ woo-woo _ involved that made me hesitate and allow a little time to see if it would come right on its own.  A normal human coma, nothing would have stopped me.”

“Yeesh.  Well, thanks for not ratting us out.”  Amethyst tried to massage the spoon back into shape with her thumb.

“Why don’t you want Garnet and Pearl to know about this?” Priyanka asked, her eyes narrowed.

“Oh, they hate her.”

“Right.  She doesn’t sound easy to like.”

“They basically think she’s a monster, corruption or not.  We want to be able to show them, you know, the new and improved Jasper so it’s a done deal.  The thing is, and this might not make sense to you, I don’t know, but there’s different types of Gems who’ve got like different places in society?  Like warriors, and thinkers, and builders... _ ” _

“Amethyst, I’m Indian, I am aware of caste systems.”

“Oh.  Cool.  So Steven and Jasper and me, we’re all Quartzes, and Garnet and Pearl aren’t.  And I know they love us and we love them and it’s not that they think they’re better than Quartzes or  _ anything _ like that, I mean  _ Rose _ Quartz was our leader… but there are some things about me that they don’t like, and the more I find out about it from Jasper, the more I think I’ve got those things  _ because _ I’m a Quartz.  I feel like they won’t understand how important it is to me to have her round because they’re just thinking Jasper, big, scary, mean, kind of psycho, and they wouldn’t even  _ think _ of Jasper… helping me understand who I am.  And  _ wanting  _ me to be the way I am.  They wouldn’t think I needed that, I think, but I do, and Steven does too.”

“Yours is a complex and somewhat surprising family dynamic,” Priyanka admited, frowning.  “I have to say, I’m seeing this from what I imagine is Garnet and Pearl’s point of view, and it would worry me terribly that you were keeping something so big from me,  _ particularly _ given that this obviously, somehow, did you both some kind of physical or neurological harm.”

“Uhhhh… yeah.”

“What actually happened?”

“Exactly what we told y’all, except we didn’t say it was Jasper.  And… we didn’t just get tangled up in the chain on accident, she kind of lassoed us.  We’d had a fight, we were leaving, she was scared we wouldn’t come back, she did something dumb.  I know it sounds bad but the thing is, we managed to figure out the chain and break it!  She’d had that thing on her for ages — now it’s gone she can really start thinking about, like, starting her life again.”

“Her breakthroughs shouldn’t come at the expense of your safety,” Priyanka pointed out.  “You can’t afford to get so devoted to helping her that you don’t take enough care of yourself.”

“Well, we don’t.  Just - sometimes you gotta roll with whatever happens, right?  And it did turn out okay.  And another way things are a lot better than they were is, I used to be a little scared she’d hurt me or try to, and I was trying to keep Steven clear of her because of that.  I’m not worried about that at all any more.  She cares about us.  She called us her friends!  I don’t think she’s ever  _ had _ any friends but she said that about  _ us.” _

“I’m glad to hear that.  I am.”

“But?  You have but-face.”

“Sometimes things get better, then get worse again for a while before they get back on track.  People can relapse or backslide, even when they have every reason to want to keep making progress.  It may not happen, but if you know it  _ can _ happen you’ll be better prepared to cope with it.   _ If _ it happens I don’t want your hopes to be crushed.  That’s all.”  She scraped jam off her plate with the side of her fork meticulously, thinking about it.  “I can provisionally agree to keep this confidential as long as no one is getting hurt.  If there’s another coma or similar adverse event, I’m sorry, but I will tell.  It would be irresponsible not to.  You may feel as if that’s not you getting hurt as long as it turns out okay in the end, but I have to take a more protective view.”

“Ugh, fine, Dr Buzzkill.”  Amethyst shovelled a spoonful of tiramisu into her mouth and mumbled, “Thanks for wanting to protect us, I guess.”

“Dr Buzzkill was my nickname in pre-med.  I’d also like you to talk with Steven about discussing this with Connie.  I understand he’s not doing it for selfish reasons, but I hope  _ you _ understand I have a very bad feeling about a boy my daughter cares so much about keeping secrets from her.”

“Uh, yeah.  Yeah, I agree, that looks uncool.  He does  _ want _ to tell her, we’ve just been figuring out when.  I’ll tell him what you said.”

“Good.  And I understand  _ you’re _ not doing this for selfish reasons either, just the opposite, but you have to be very careful or you can end up justifying things to yourself that are really not right.  I don’t want you compromising yourself or Steven because you care so much about Jasper.  Keep that in mind.  If Jasper really cares about you too, she won’t want that either.  And please — no, look, I shouldn’t assume that I know how Pearl and Garnet feel.  They’re not your mothers.  What  _ are _ they to you, by the way?  Like family friends, older sisters?  Aunts?”

“I don’t… really have words for it because that’s not how we think about ourselves.  I’m thinking of Jasper as my sister, but I know that’s just me  _ thinking _ I know what a sister is like.   _ I _ don’t know what a sister is like!  I grew in a hole in the ground!  Most of what I know about families comes from 90s sitcoms!  So I’m just making things up as I go.”

“I don’t have any sisters either,” Priyanka said, shrugging.  “I have to admit, even though I  _ know _ it’s inaccurate I tend to default to thinking of Pearl as Steven’s mother and the rest of you as aunts.  That would make  _ all _ of you sisters.  Carry the concept only as far as you find it useful, I suppose.”  She popped the final morsel of marshmallow into her mouth and closed her eyes as it melted.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \- Everyone has _some_ kind of vice and apparently Priyanka Maheswaran's is marshmallows.  
>  \- I have never seen a Good Guy Greg Universe meme and YOU'D THINK YOU WOULD  
> \- Jasper's nose joke is the best thing I accomplished today.  
> \- New episode bomb starting 30 January. God I'm tired of being bombed. Of course just as I typed that I thought of, like, _Aleppo_ and how comparatively fortunate I am that my problems don't include that kind of bombing, and yet I retain the right to be annoyed by Cartoon Network scheduling _in due proportion._


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spit me a river, I spat a river over you.

Steven was dreaming, and in his dream he was floating in an inner-tube that looked like a strawberry frosted doughnut with rainbow sprinkles, and in his doughnut inner-tube he was floating down a slow, warm river.  In the way that you just sometimes  _ knew _ things in dreams, he knew the river was made up of his mother’s tears.  He drifted along, looking up into the dawn-pink sky, and thoughts drifted through his head; that there were songs about crying a river, that his mom must have at least cried a fountain-full at some point, that once he’d tried spitting in a ziplock sandwich bag all day to see if he could fill it up (he could  _ not  _ remember why but it seemed safe to guess it was the result of a conversation with Amethyst) but his mouth had got all dry and gummy before the spit level even got halfway up the side so he’d given up, so how could he ever spit a river?

“Ohhhh,” he said aloud, “this is an  _ inadequacy _ dream.  Gotcha.  Although I have to say, if I’m inadequate, I’m inadequate with a really fun pool floatie.”  That pepped him up a little bit.  “And sure, I may feel inadequate, but that doesn’t mean I really will  _ be  _ inadequate.  That’s a feeling, not a fact.   So there.”  It didn’t change the dream, but reminding himself should help.  He hoped.  “Mmmmmaybe… maybe I should look at this another way, ‘cause dreams can mean more than one thing.  Mom’s tears were healing and they came from her compassion.  Maybe this river is her wanting to help me and make things better.  Maybe it’s so big because she’s sending me really big love.”

_ It’d be so nice if your face would appear in the clouds now like a pink Mufasa and tell me what you want me to do.   _ The dream did not deliver.  The dream was evidently not Disney-compliant.  His mind drifted again as the floating doughnut turned slowly in the current, so that sometimes he was floating backwards or sideways, but always downstream.   _ Hope I’m not floating down to a waterfall.  Where is this river, anyway? _  He lifted his head and looked around.  The river flowed straight through a desert, endless dunes shimmering with dry heat.  

The desert naturally made him think of Jasper, and that did make a change in the dream.  Rusty red cliffs were rising out of the sand on either bank and the river was running down between them, while the cloudy pink of the sky shifted from dawn to sunset.  He hadn't intended to visit her tonight and he wondered, too, if it was even possible for him to dream a Beta Kindergarten that wasn't  _ Jasper's  _ one.  Could two exist in his dreams, like parallel worlds, Almost Anywheres?  

That remained moot because as the warm stream carried him between twisting canyon walls, there were flowers and stars and black and blue birds drawn on them.  And — that was interesting, there was new writing in amongst the flowers, Jasper’s scrawly Gem Demotic.  He squinted at one, trying to sound it out, then exclaimed aloud, “Carnelian!”  The next one was Tiger’s Eye, and then came Onyx and Bloodstone, and then more kinds of Jasper than you could shake a stick at, Brecciated and Poppy and Moss and Green and Orbicular and Biggs and Riband and Ocean and even Leopard and Zebra.  He couldn't imagine what they'd all look like as  _ people _ , other than obviously awesome.  Jasper came from a big family in every sense of the word. 

She was crouching in the mouth of her cave, looking at the river as if it offended her.  When Steven drifted into view at the upper end of her stretch of the canyon she shouted across the stream, “Did you do this?”

“Not on purpose,” he shouted back, trying to turn over without tipping himself out so he could paddle with his arms.  “Sorry, I can control some things about my dreams but not everything.”

“It's not as bad as it could have been,” Jasper said ungraciously, leaning out from her doorway to claw him in with one long arm once he was within reach, “since I was in here when it happened.  It didn't run in, it was just  _ all _ there all of a sudden.  If I’d been in the middle of it I'd be really ticked off.”

“Sorry,” Steven repeated, splashing towards her.  “I was dreaming about the river and I happened to think about you and the two dreams just joined up, I think.”

“So this is another time with just you?” Jasper asked, lunging out to grab the back of his teeshirt  as an eddy in the stream almost carried him past her.  

“Yeah, sorry.”

“You only needed to say sorry once, you know.”

“S — whoops!”  He grinned up at her as she hauled him into the cave.  The doughnut inner tube escaped and rode on down the river to parts unknown. 

“It's not a problem if it's just you.  I thought I told you that.  Why did you think you should apologise?” Jasper asked, frowning at him.  

“I don't know, just you’d probably be disappointed not to see Amethyst, since you’re sisters and everything.”

The frown deepened into her personal puzzled squint and she crouched down to look him in the eye.  “But we're brothers.  No, that's not how you say it, I’m your sister and brother is the boy version of sister, right?”

“I — I didn't know you thought that,” Steven admitted. 

“But Amethyst said we were.  Was she wrong?  I understand if you don't want to be, but she also says you don't get to pick.”

“I thought being sisters was just a special thing for you two, I mean!”

Jasper shook her head impatiently.  “Why would you think that?  It's because we're Quartz Gems from Earth, so that includes you too.”

“But I'm only half a Quartz.”

“Don’t be stupid.  Is that half a gemstone?”  She poked him in the tummy above it with her forefinger.

“Well… no.”  He pulled his shirt up a bit to look at it; of course he couldn’t see the back of it but he didn’t have any reason to think it wasn’t symmetrical with the front.

“Right, so you’re not half a Quartz.  You're a whole Quartz.”

“But I’m half human too,” he pointed out, patting the soft pink tummy that surrounded the gemstone.

“Then you’re just a whole Quartz and a whole human at the same time.  That’s pretty basic, don’t you think?  I mean, when you fuse it’s not as if half of you and half of Amethyst make Smoky Quartz and the other halves are left over somewhere.”

“Well… yeah, but also it’s not  _ just _ fusion, it’s reproduction.  My dad exists as a separate person from me at the same time as me.”

Jasper chewed that over a moment.  “All right, I don’t fully get it but I still say you count as a full Quartz, and anyway Amethyst  _ said _ you would be my little brother and that was why you were helping her to come see me in the first place, so I assumed you knew.  Was she just making that up?”

“No!  No, I don’t think she was  _ lying. _  But we’re kind of making things up as we go.  I mean, Amethyst and I have never said we’re brother and sister, although I  _ guess _ in lots of ways she’s like a sister to me.  I guess?  Because I don’t know what it’s like to have a sister and I actually only know two people who have sisters and they’re each other’s sister, they’re twins.”

“Oh!  I know about twins!” Jasper exclaimed, looking pleased with herself.  “Sisters who are the same age and look the same.  Amethyst pretends we’re twins when we shift into the same shape.”

“That’s one kind of twin — and Jenny and Kiki do look a lot like each other — but you can also have twins who don’t look alike, and they can be boys or girls or a boy  _ and  _ a girl.  It’s just being born together at the same time that makes them twins.”

“Well, then we’re not twins at  _ all,” _ Jasper said irritably.  “I wish she wouldn’t bandy these terms around so loosely, I’m just getting used to them and now I keep finding out they don’t mean quite what she says they do.”

“But people use ‘twins’ to mean two things or people who look alike all the time, so that’s okay too.”

“You can use it about  _ things _ too?  I give up.  It’s okay, you’re not my brother, you’re off the hook,” Jasper said, her shoulders slumping.

“No, but can I be?”

She looked at him uncertainly from under heavy eyebrows.  “Would you want to be?”

“Yes!  I felt really left out but I didn’t want to complain!  I’d love to have a long-lost big sister, it’s like something in a book!  Uh — the names on the walls outside, are they your other sisters?”

“Oh.”  Jasper looked away and scratched her neck.  “Not really.  I just thought — I don’t know, I don’t remember any of them as  _ people,  _ but I thought it might be a good thing to write up somewhere the kinds of Gems that were made here.  To say someone remembers them.  Even if I don’t remember them very  _ well, _ or know how to feel about them any more.  But at least they were here and so was I, and now they’re not but I still am, so… ugh, I’m  _ really _ mixed up about them.  They were defective, Steven!  They were weak and misshapen and ugly!  They shouldn’t even have existed — but I can’t stop thinking it’s not their fault they  _ did _ exist.  It’s not their fault they were made in a dump like this where they hardly had a chance to turn out any better.  And sometimes I think…”  She trailed off, her hands tightening and loosening in anxious fists.

“You think?” Steven said cautiously.

“I soaked up all the strength there was to be had here so in a way it was because of  _ me _ they were weak and defective.”

“That wasn’t your fault, you had no way of knowing —”

“I know it’s not my fault!  That’s why it bothers me so much!  There’s no good reason for any of it, it’s just unfair!  My whole life I’ve tried to make sense of things and understand why they had to be the way they were and everything I think I understand falls apart on me!  It’s infuriating and it makes me feel stupid!”  Jasper raised her fist and for a moment it looked as if she was going to bop herself on the head, but her hand shook and she lowered it.  “And — I don’t care if I tell  _ you. _  It makes me feel scared.  Scared all the time, because whatever I try to do things can  _ still _ go wrong regardless of whether what I’m doing is right.  What if there was no good reason why Pink Diamond died or even any  _ bad _ reason?  What if we get to the bottom of it one day and it turns out it was  _ an accident?   _ Wouldn’t that be just typical for Earth?  So — so there are my feelings, okay?”  She unfolded her fist to count them out on her fingers.  “Stupid, confused, angry, sad, scared.  I have all those feelings thumping around in my head all the time and they’re rotten to live with.” 

“Thanks for telling me," Steven said, hoping to encourage her.

“Thanks for listening,” she mumbled, her eyes dropping away from his face again.  

“I think you have to be brave to admit you’re scared.”

“Do you think things ever start to feel better, or do you just realise how bad things are and then they stay that way forever?” Jasper asked plaintively.  

“I definitely think things start to feel better,” Steven said firmly.  “It’s just that it can take a while and when you don’t know how long you have to hold on till it happens, it’s hard!”  He hesitated.  “Can I sing you a song that’s really good about things like this?”

That made her smile, at least half of a crooked, slightly unwilling grin.  “You would,” she said, shaking her head.  “Okay, sing me a song.  It can’t hurt.”

“I think you’ll like it, it’s by a guy who was in the band that did the ‘Blackbird’ song you like so much.  It sounds better on a guitar than a ukulele, so I’ll play that.”  He summoned one up and sat down beside her.  “The song is called ‘All Things Must Pass.’”

When he’d finished, he looked at her face.  She looked furious, except that he could see tears standing in her eyes, and he had the feeling it was one of her thinking frowns rather than real anger.  Her lips were pressed tightly together.  After a moment she said, “It’s weird how something can make you feel better and hurt at the same time.”

“It is, isn’t it?  Songs can be like that.”

“Did you  _ tell _ him about me?  And the sunset?”

“What?  Oh, no, I couldn’t have.  He died a few years ago, and I never met him.  My dad just has some of his records, and they were  _ his _ dad’s.”

“This was your father’s father that wrote the song?” Jasper asked, the frown deepening with puzzlement.

“Ha!  Oh man, it would be so cool if George Harrison was my grandfather.  No, my actual grandfather just liked his music.  And the details in the song… they’re just a coincidence, but it happens all the time that you find a song that was written by someone who had no idea about you or your life, but you feel like they’re singing straight to you.  Didn’t you feel like that about ‘Blackbird?’”

Jasper nodded slowly.  “I feel it even stronger with this one, though.  It rattled me a little bit how strong.  It’s weird to feel like someone who never even knew you, some  _ human, _ still understood you.”  She brushed at her eyes with the back of her hand and said gruffly, “It’s a good song, thanks.”

“You’re welcome.  And when you get back out in the world you can hear the original.”

“I’m starting to think,” Jasper said, and stopped.  He waited.  She tried again.  “I’m starting to think there might not ever be a time when I feel ready to try again and if I go on waiting for it I may never do it.  So maybe I should just try, if you and Amethyst will watch out for me.  But if I come out a monster, don’t wait, just poof me, I do  _ not _ want to exist like that.”

“I promise.  It won’t be easy attacking you, but we’ll make it as quick as we can.”

“You don’t really have to attack me, though.  At least I  _ hope _ you wouldn’t need to subdue me.  You can just pry the gemstone off straight away.”

“We… don’t really do it that way,” he admitted.  “I don’t know why not.  But you were the first person I ever saw pry a gemstone off like that, and then I saw Peridot do it too.”

“It’s safer,” Jasper said.  “But if your opponent is putting up a lot of resistance and you can’t subdue them long enough to get a good grip on it, then you might have to do it the rough way.”

“Your way is not exactly a gentle way,” he pointed out.

“Can you imagine a gentle way to forcibly discorporate a Gem?  The closest we’re going to get to gentle is if I can keep my act together enough to hold still while you do it.”

“You have a point.  So you really want to try reforming?  Soon?”  Steven touched her knee hesitantly.

“I have to think about it.  I want to talk about it with Amethyst too.  You’ll bring her next time you come, right?”

“Yeah, of course.”

Jasper gave him a quick, uncomfortable smile.  “Don’t look so worried.  You know how tough I am.  Whatever happens, I’ll get through it.”

“Yeah, I just don’t want  _ my big sister _ to have to get through things we could avoid if we’re careful.  How’s that sound?  I’m trying it out.”

“Is sister and brother any different from sister and sister?  The way I understand it, we care about each other, we look out for each other, and even if we’re mad at each other we’re still always going to be connected.  Also I get to give you at least one mocking nickname, but you understand it’s said with affection.  Is that all the same?  I want to do it right.”

“It sounds right to me.”

“I don’t know about your nickname,” Jasper said thoughtfully.  “I can’t get ‘ass’ into Steven and anyway you’re not irritating in a pain-in-the-ass way.  You’re irritating like… getting hit in the face with a bunch of flowers.  Irritating but nice at the same time.  I could give you a flower name.”  She snapped her fingers.  “Hah! I’m going to call you Rosebud.”

“You think that’s mocking?”

“Yes, because a bud is small.  And  _ cute,” _ she added, curling her lip.

“What’re you gonna do if I grow as tall as you are and super beefy?” he asked, doing his best not to grin.

“Keep calling you that to remind everyone how pathetically small and cute you used to be,” she said triumphantly.

“That actually does sound like a pretty authentically big sisterish thing to do.  Let’s run with it.”

“What will you call me?”

“I need to think about it.  It’s gotta be just right.  It’ll probably come to me in a moment of inspiration.”

“Yeah, when I’m being especially annoying.”  She flashed him that brief crooked grin again.

“Jasper?  I think I need to go.  It sounds like tomorrow is going to be important and I want to be ready for it, so I’d better get some good plain sleep for the rest of tonight.”

“Okay,” she said, her face falling a little.  “But listen, if it doesn’t make you too tired, you can always come see me by yourself.  If I’d known you were thinking I cared more about seeing Amethyst I would’ve said something sooner.  I know at first I — things are different now.”

“That is if we even need to keep doing this for much longer!  Maybe soon I’ll be seeing you in person.  We’ll just have to get used to not being able to make things appear and disappear like we do here.”  He let the guitar dissolve into the air and pushed himself to his feet.

“Can I get a hug before you go?” she asked diffidently.

“I don’t think I’ve ever heard you straight-up ask for a hug before.”

“Then give me a medal and a hug, I guess, if it’s a big deal,” she grumbled.  Steven leaned in and hugged her round the neck, and she put her big arms around him and squeezed very carefully.  “See you tomorrow, little brother,” she said quietly, and although the words didn’t feel right yet, like stiff new jeans, he felt that with time they might.

 

In the end it was a pretty short discussion.  Jasper had clearly thought about little else since Steven had left her, and met him and Amethyst on their return with a rapid-fire speech about all the reasons why she had to try reforming without delay, reasons which seemed to boil down to “now I’m thinking about it seriously it’s going to bug me until I confront it.”  The whole thing had a weirdly argumentative tone as if she expected them to try to talk her out of it, which would have been a good trick as they couldn’t get a word in edgeways.  Eventually, when Jasper paused to breathe, Amethyst said as much.

Jasper’s shoulders slumped.  “I’m trying to stop  _ me _ talking myself out of it,” she said.  “I’m so scared.  But I can’t let myself be a coward about this.  And look.  If I do it and it works that’s great.  If I do it and I fail horribly I have you two ready as a failsafe and then I’ll just be back to where I am now.  This is not going to make things  _ worse. _  I mean, unless there’s some kind of horrendous freak accident that results in all of us getting shattered together.  Why did I  _ say _ that?  Tell me to shut up.”

“Shut up, pork chop,” Amethyst said dutifully.

“Thank you.  I’m all sweaty, this is disgusting, let’s get it over with.”

 

Steven woke to find it was still the middle of the night.  Good.  The air was chilly when he pushed back his quilt and that helped wake him up.  Amethyst rolled off the foot of the bed groaning sleepily.

“Chop chop chop, now now now, I’m Jasper and everything’s urgent,” she muttered, rubbing her eyes.  “I mean.  Okay.  This is important.  But still.  I was comfy.”

“Do you think I should bring anything?” Steven asked.  “We should’ve made a welcome banner!  Should we get her flowers?”

“It's winter!  Where are you gonna pick flowers?”

“We could warp somewhere.  Come on, let's do it real quick, I really wanna do something special for her.”

Thus it was that Steven stumbled into Amethyst’s room clutching a great sheaf of sunflowers and branches of pink, orange and red hibiscus, his eyes and nose streaming from the pollen.  “I thick she’ll really like these!” he declared, and sneezed juicily. 

“Okay, cool, stick them in this,” said Amethyst, scooping some puddle water into a very large old rubber boot.  They arranged the flowers artistically and considered the effect.  

“Yeah, that's good,” Steven said, and proudly sniffed back a pint or so of snot that might or might not have healing properties.  

“You good with doing this in your PJs?”

“Oh.  Yeah, that's okay.  I was in these pyjamas when Peridot reformed and look how well that turned out!”  He looked again at his grass-stained bare feet and surreptitiously wiped them on a half-unrolled carpet.  

“Hokay.”  Amethyst squared up to the bell jar half covered by the old teeshirt.  “Let's get her out.”  She lifted the jar aside and carefully picked up the lavender-tinted bubble with the angular orange gemstone inside.  

“Let's clear a space,” Steven suggested.  “She’ll want room around her however she comes back.”  Between his efforts and Amethyst’s, shoving things aside with one foot while carrying the bubble in her arms, they got an area a couple of yards across more or less unobstructed.  

“Dude, I’m so nervous,” Amethyst admitted.  “I mean if she comes back like she was at the end last time, okay, I think we can handle it, but it’ll be such a knock to her confidence, y’know?”

“But what if she pulls it off?  Wouldn't that be amazing?”

“I just don't wanna see her face down despairing again.  Even if she talks brave about it not making things worse, you know she'd take it hard.”

“I know,” Steven said, placing one hand carefully on top of the bubble.  “But it could work.  And she's being  _ so _ brave giving it a shot.”

“Okay.  Okay, you're right.  Let's give her a chance.  If it goes wrong, I’ll get my whip round her neck before she knows what's up, pull her head down, and you grab her nose, I guess.”

“Got it,” he said, nodding firmly.  

Amethyst advanced to the middle of the clear space, set the bubble down and gently popped it.  She stepped back quickly and grabbed Steven's hand, and they exchanged a glance accompanied by a deep inhalation.  

“Come on, Jasper,” Steven whispered.  “You’ve got this.”

“C’mon, sis,” Amethyst said.  “Concentrate on getting the old you back, the real you.”

“You can do it!  We're waiting right here for you.”

“We can't wait to see you!”

“C’mon, Jasper.”

“Get your ass into gear,” Amethyst urged.  

The gemstone abruptly spat orange light.  They had both been craning forward but pulled back fast, as if a questionably damp firework had suddenly proved by means of a spurt of sparks that it wasn't a dud.  The glow was intermittent, almost strobing as it fought to find a form.  For a brief, nasty moment it blazed into a hulking, multi-legged shape but that was sucked back into the stone.  The air seemed thick with struggling energy.

“Come  _ on,  _ pork chop!” Amethyst shouted.  “You can do this, I know you can!  Be Jasper!”

“Be  _ our _ Jasper!” Steven pleaded.

And then she was there, flickering into existence, on her hands and knees but they definitely were  _ hands,  _ not paws.  She was breathing as if she’d run a two-minute mile, but she looked up at them and flashed them a brief, brittle grin before slumping down on her elbows.

“Whoa!  Are you okay?” Amethyst asked, ducking in to get her shoulder under Jasper’s and push her up a bit.

“I — yeah.  That was  _ hard.   _ It was pushing back the whole time.  Do I look right?”

“You look  _ great,” _ Steven assured her.  “You’re all the right colour and everything.  I like your new outfit!”

Jasper pushed herself back to sit with her legs sprawled out in front of her and looked herself up and down.  She was wearing a tight-fitting sleeveless wine-red top with a horizontal slash neckline, emphasising her broad shoulders and thick neck.  The top flared and draped over her hips so that it was almost a tailcoat at the back.  Under it she had dusty pink pants and wine-red boots that came up over the knee.  Over her midriff was a large pink diamond.

“This isn’t new,” she said, shaking her head.  “This is a very  _ old _ outfit.  I… I didn’t know I could get this  _ back.” _  She was still shaking her head, and she covered her mouth with her hand.

“Is this what you used to wear?” Amethyst asked her.

Jasper nodded, still covering her mouth, and blinked hard, her brows creasing.

“Well, it looks great on you,” Steven said.  “I woudn’t’ve thought pink would suit you but it just needs to be the right shade.  Jasper?  Are you okay?”  Her other hand was clutching at the pink diamond insignia, creasing it deeply.

“I didn’t know I could have this back,” she said faintly, lowering her hand.  “I could hear you, or feel you, something, telling me to get back to the real me, the old me.  I focused on that, and this just…  _ came.   _ I don’t have to wear that  _ damn _ yellow diamond any more!  I’m  _ hers _ again!”  Her eyes were watery bright and her voice shook.

“Congrats, you big lug,” Amethyst said, and hugged her tight.  “You did  _ so _ good.”

“You’re back to  _ you,” _ Steven said, joining in the hug, wedging himself in against Jasper’s side.  “This is the start of everything!  Do you really know how amazing you are?  You’re the first ever Gem to recover from corruption.”

“I get what you’re saying,” Jasper said, still clutching at her top, “but having this back feels even more amazing to me right now.  I got part of me back that I thought was gone forever.  I - I know it might be hard for you to see why it means so much, because you never knew your Diamond, but this is…”  She fell quiet, then after a moment threw her arms around both of them and squeezed them tight.  “I’m back!  Can’t get rid of me now.  Oh,  _ gross,  _ what is this guck leaking out of you, Steven?”

“Oh yeah, I guess you wouldn’t have much personal experience with snot.  Sorry.”  He wiped her cheek with his sleeve.  “I wasn’t  _ trying _ to goob on you, I got kind of mashed into you when you hugged me.”

“What’s wrong with you?  Your eyes are all red and puffy too, have you been crying?”  She managed to make it sound like an accusation, but she looked concerned.

“Actually not today!  This is one of those weird little things about being human.  I’m kind of oversensitive to pollen and it makes my eyes and nose leak.  They’re just trying to flush the irritating stuff out.”

“Looks awful, and I don’t have any tissues to give you.”

“Anyway, it’s because of this!”  He wriggled out of her arm and presented her with the boot full of flowers.  “Congratulations and welcome home!”

Jasper’s expression was an interesting mixture of moved, happy and confused.  “Is this an Earth custom?  Do I have to wear the boot or something?”

“Nah, we just didn’t have a vase,” Amethust said, leaning against her comfortably.  “I mean, I obviously  _ have _ a vase in here somewhere, I’ve probably got one of everything, but that was the first thing I found that looked like it’d work.”

Now her attention had been called to their surroundings, Jasper looked around with her eyes widening.  “What  _ is _ this place?” she asked.

“It’s my room!  We can share it.  That’s a sisters thing,” Amethyst said.  

“Your room — in your base?”

“In our  _ home _ really,” said Steven.

“What  _ happened _ in here?”

“I lived in it,” said Amethyst, shrugging.

“I’ve never seen so much  _ crap!” _

“Hey, we’ve seen  _ your _ depression lair, so don’t criticise  _ my _ hoarder lair.”

“I’m not really criticising, it’s sort of impressive.”

“I can show you round if you want,” Amethyst offered.

“First things first, is your room secure?”

“It’s  _ pretty _ secure,” Amethyst said, “and no one comes in here without my say-so.  But we should prolly keep our voices down to be on the safe side.  And listen, if anyone  _ does _ come in unexpectedly, there’s  _ no _ shortage of hidey-holes.  Just get behind something real quick.”

“I’m grateful and everything but you two are the  _ worst _ at security.  How many entrances are there?”

“One big one and then there’s the potholes, they go a bunch of places.”

“Can you even cover them up?”

“She’s got a point,” Steven said.  “If we cover the puddles it at least makes it a lot harder for anyone to come in without us noticing.  As long as we’re keeping a secret we’ll need some precautions.  Jasper can’t just camouflage herself in a pile of stuffed animals like ET, she kind of sticks out.”

“Oh, but you know what?  She’s getting a lot better at shapeshifting.  As long as she hides her face, if she turns herself into a ball she really does just look like a ball, you know, like one of those exercisey ones.  I have all sorts of weights and junk in here so as long as you keep it simple, J, you could hide in plain sight.”

“You don’t think they’d still recognise my stripes?  I can’t unstripe myself.  Although you have no idea how glad I am that foul green stuff is gone.  I hope it never comes back.”  Jasper got to her feet and looked around.  “First things first, we cover the potholes, get it down to one point of exit and entry that we can control.  Then we figure out some kind of door or gate.  Got anything like sheet metal?”

They rummaged around and located some sheets of corrugated iron, two old doors, a collection of marble and granite headstones with no names on that really spooked Steven until Amethyst explained she’d looted them from the yard of a monumental mason who went bust and ran away in the night to escape creditors, and a big square of plywood that Jasper reluctantly accepted could cover the smallest pothole as long as they put very heavy things on its corners.

“What’s  _ this?” _ Jasper asked as Steven and Amethyst struggled to unwedge a potentially useful surfboard from between an old meat safe and an empty giant tortoise shell.  They turned and saw her standing in front of the oil painting of the Crystal Gems at sea.  She had a headstone under each arm and three or four hibiscus flowers stuck in her hair to show appreciation.  It was an interesting look.

“Oh,” said Amethyst, “that’s us.”

“Hundreds of years ago!” said Steven.  “Look at their cool historical clothes!”

“Oh, nowhere near that,” Amethyst said, jumping down from the pile they were halfway up and trotting over to look at the picture with Jasper.   “Before you were born, but it would have to’ve been the ’90s.  That’s a Vidalia.  She was going to do a whole series of heroic epic oil paintings putting the Gems into history, like parodies of famous stuff?  This is the only one she finished before we kind of lost touch, and she gave it to us because no one wanted to buy it.  We all got dressed up and posed in a rowboat on blocks in her back yard.”

“Seriously?” Steven asked, dismayed.  He gave a last heave, dragged the surfboard clear and rode it like a sled down to the ground.  “I mean I knew Garnet was joking about getting the shark to pose, but I didn’t know it was  _ all _ fake.”

“It’s still a fun picture,” Amethyst said, shrugging.  “It’s just like that booth at Funland where you can dress up in old-timey clothes and they take a sepia photo.”  She looked up at Jasper sideways, trying to read her expression, a hard stare.  “You okay?  You look... uncomfortable.”  

“No… I’m okay.  I wasn’t expecting to see  _ her _ there, I just felt weird for a minute.  And it’s not as if I’m not used to seeing her in pictures.  You know I never actually met her?  The whole reason my life was what it was, and I never met her.  I saw her at a distance in a few battles but I couldn’t get close enough to fight her myself.  I saw pictures of her at briefings and Pink Diamond still had a portrait up.  I couldn’t understand that, but it seems it was because she still missed her, and she couldn’t give up on her.”  She glanced down at the two of them and cleared her throat.  “Let’s finish this job.”

They secured the potholes and erected a ramshackle gate of corrugated iron.  It didn’t quite come to the top of the tunnel mouth, but it was a decent visual barrier even if it wouldn’t keep anyone halfway determined from coming in.  With that in place Jasper seemed more relaxed.  She looked around at the junk with some interest and let Amethyst tell her stories about some of her favourite pieces.  Together the three of them cleared a corner for her stuff, and since she didn’t have stuff apart from a boot full of water and flowers, it was housewarming time.  They dug around and found what was intended as a two-person loveseat but made a pretty good armchair for a Jasper and only had a little stuffing leaking from one armrest, which Steven fixed with duct tape.  They propped up a slightly cracked mirror and dragged over a hippopotamus skull which had nothing to do with anything, Jasper just liked how it looked and thought it would make an interesting footstool.

“Can I draw on the wall back here?” she asked Amethyst.

“Yeah, totally.  ‘Course you’ll have to get used to markers that run out.  Have you ever used a spray can?  I think you’re gonna like spray cans.”

Steven began to fall asleep again on the loveseat, half listening to them laughing as they stencilled their handprints on the walls with a can of gold paint Amethyst had dug up from somewhere.  He was woken by Jasper jostling his shoulder.

“C’mon Rosebud, you have to do your hand too.  I’m not leaving you out of sister stuff again.”

“Rosebud,” said Amethyst, and snorted and grinned.

“I  _ explained _ this.”

“I know you did, but you know your reasons only make sense to you, right?  Everyone else on this planet is just going to think you’re sappier than a pine tree.  Also that it’s a weirdly girly nickname for a boy.”

“Well, I don’t have to adjust  _ my _ life for some other species’ ideas about gender.  Plant your paw right there, Steven,” Jasper said, pointing to a clear spot just above a very large handprint and a much smaller one and rattliing the spray can vigorously.

“Will this come off?” he asked, pulling up his sleeve and placing his hand on the wall.

“Everything comes off  _ eventually,” _ said Amethyst, shrugging.

“And I can just call him that between us,” Jasper said, spraying over Steven’s hand with a look of intense concentration that he was inclined to find cute.  “I was mostly going to anyway.”

“Why?  I like you calling me that, I don’t care if people think it’s girly.  Sometimes I  _ am _ a little girly and that’s fine.  Girls are great!”  He carefully lifted his hand away and admired the stencil effect.

“Well, now we’re the Gold Hand Gang,” said Amethyst.  

“We look  _ rich,” _ said Steven, wiggling his gilded fingers in the air.  “No, but seriously, does this come off?”

“You can scrub it off with soap and water before it dries, easy.  It’s hard to get out of the sides of your nails,” Amethyst said.  

“I better go take care of that,” he said, and yawned, recoiling from the strong fumes of paint when he unthinkingly raised his hand to his mouth.  “I’m pooped.  If you guys don’t mind, I’m going to go wash up and get back to bed.  Nights are going to be really different from now on!”

“Yeah, we’ll be okay,” said Amethyst.  “Don’t sleep too late, we’ve got plans to cook up.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WELL SHE'S OUT. This isn't the end of the story by a long shot, but I realised, as Jasper does in this chapter, that waiting until I felt the time was right for her to re-emerge would probably mean getting stuck never doing it.  
> I always enjoy getting to work fanon things like the nickname Rosebud into this story. It's _so_ mushy and it's just nice to see Jasper getting to discover the inner vein of mush she probably doesn't think she has. The difficulty I always have in writing the warm sentimental parts of the story is that I want them so much but my own pessimism makes it hard for me to accept that things could get that good, especially starting from a situation as bad as this was. Jasper's question “Do you think things ever start to feel better, or do you just realise how bad things are and then they stay that way forever?” very much resonates with my own experiences of both depression and grief.   
>  However, I do pretty much believe that listening to George Harrison helps with everything.


	17. Chapter 17

Plan number one was Telling Connie.  They agreed on this during a meeting that doubled as an opportunity to teach Jasper about food.  Steven had had the ingenious idea of using chewing gum as Food Training Wheels and brought Jasper a pack of every flavour he could find.  So far her favourite was sour green apple.  She chewed very awkwardly while frowning thunderously, but claimed to be enjoying the experience.  “They basically taste like smells,” she said, “and I like smells.”

“How  _ do _ you smell smells?” Steven asked.  “Your nose is solid so I don’t understand how the smells get  _ in.” _

“Beats me, I’m just glad I can.  Do you think if I chewed two different flavours together that would be interesting or disgusting?”

“Interesting!  Ooh, try apple with cinnamon.”

Once they’d established that apple with cinnamon was a Very Good Thing, the conversation turned more serious.

“It’s important for me to tell Connie what’s really going on,” Steven said, “because she’s been worried about me and it’s extra scary for her because she knows she doesn’t have powers like the rest of us do, but I also think it could be a really good way to start introducing you to people, a first step.  Connie’s not a Gem so she doesn’t have so much  _ history _ that can get in the way.  She’s really smart and open-minded and nice, and she’s brave.  And I trust her to keep a secret for me.”

That was more than she could say about Peridot, Amethyst reflected gloomily, chewing watermelon gum that Jasper had rejected as weirdly fake and unwatermelony.  But there were two sides to that, too; she didn’t want to put Peridot in a situation where she had to choose between keeping a promise to Amethyst and her loyalty to Lapis.  Even if Amethyst was fairly sure she knew which way Peridot would jump, it would probably upset her.  She didn’t know what Lapis might do if she knew Jasper was around again — possibly she would just want to have nothing to do with her — but she didn’t want to find out until the position they were in was a  _ lot _ stronger.

“I’ve never had much to do with humans except you, and you’re also a Gem so it’s different,” Jasper said.  “Can I just… talk to her like a normal person?”

“Yes, exactly, because she  _ is _ a normal person.”

_ “We’re _ the ones who ain’t normal,” said Amethyst.

“So she’ll understand me no problem?”

“Yes, of course!  Just because Earth doesn’t have technology as advanced as Homeworld doesn’t mean the people are dumb.  We’re just not as far along, and we’ve had different opportunities and obstacles and stuff.”

“Some of ‘em are pretty cool,” Amethyst added.  “They know how to have fun, you can always count on that.  All those dance steps I showed you overnight?  Learned ‘em from humans.  They don’t dance like  _ that _ on Homeworld, do they?”

“They do  _ not,  _ and I think there might be a revolution if they did.  That kind of… wiggle-waggling would raise some eyebrows, that’s for sure.”

“You picked up basic wiggle-waggling pretty quick!”

“Doing it in public would be another matter.”  Jasper reluctantly turned back to the matter at hand.  “I should plan what I’m going to say to her, shouldn’t I?”

“I think it’s a good idea,” Steven said.  “But you don’t have to talk to her alone.  I’m going to explain things first, so she knows what's been going  _ on _ , and then introduce you.  Let’s think about how you can make a good impression.”  He walked around Jasper, chin in hand, peering at her thoughtfully.  “I think it would help if you were sitting down.  That way you  _ loom _ less.  And it can’t hurt to smile!”

Jasper attempted a smile.  She looked terribly uncomfortable, extremely toothy and very slightly crazed.

“Okay, maybe it can.  Trying to force a smile when you’re nervous is not such a great idea.  You have a really nice smile when it comes naturally.  That can come once you get comfortable with Connie.  Hmm… I think you should keep the flower in your hair, a person with flowers in her hair always looks less intimidating.”

“This one is getting droopy,” Jasper said, plucking out the slightly wilted red hibiscus she had been wearing.  “That’s the trouble with real flowers.”

“We’ll make sure you have a fresh one right before she comes in.”

“It feels so weird trying to figure out how to present myself so I  _ don’t _ look intimidating.  Looking intimidating is basically my  _ job.   _ Part of it anyway.  I’m going to have to do everything the opposite of normal.”

“Okay, so what would you do to look intimidating the first time you meet someone?”

She thought about it.  “You’ve got a point about the sitting.  I’d stand.  Power stance, head up, shoulders back, feet apart.  Hands closed.  So I guess I should have them open?”

“Yes!  Good idea, and if you can turn your palms forward, I think that looks friendlier.  But don’t try to hold them any way that feels too weird.”

_ “How _ weird is  _ too _ weird, that’s the question.”

 

Jasper was doing her level best to keep calm, and irritated with herself that apparently she was reduced to a condition where  _ meeting a new person  _ was capable of disturbing her calm.  She was sitting, like they’d rehearsed, and she was trying very hard not to make her hands into fists, also like they’d rehearsed.  She tried pressing her hands on her knees, although they felt like they might leave sweaty paw prints.  She had successfully fought down her urge to put on a big showy cape, although she’d still done her eyes because there was no reason to look like she hadn’t made any effort.  There was a fresh hibiscus in her hair, pink for luck.

_ It’s just a little human,  _ she told herself,  _ I don’t need to worry.  She, not it, she’s just a little human.  I do feel worried, okay, I acknowledge that, I’m not kidding myself.  Still, I don’t think anything too bad can really happen.  She wouldn’t be able to hurt me and I have no reason to hurt her. _

_ That’s stupid, I’m not worried about anyone getting hurt.  I’m worried about screwing this up and letting Steven and Amethyst down. _

_ And I’m worried, and this is pathetic, I’m worried she’s going to hate me.  Or she already hates me and I can’t change that.  That I’ll humiliate myself and apologise and it’ll be for nothing because she’ll just look at me and say, “You haven’t changed, people like you never do.  You should be locked up.” _

_ She’s not Lapis Lazuli, you dumb brute. _

_ Okay, no, no, calling myself a brute is not going to help.  It’s not as if it’ll make me any smarter.  The thing I’m worried about, I don’t know that’s going to happen.  It doesn’t have to be true.  Remember that, it doesn’t have to be true.  Ow.   _ She was gripping her knees so tightly that it hurt a bit.  She pried her fingers open and tried holding onto the edge of the loveseat instead, because not holding onto anything was clearly not an option in her current state.

“Dude,” said Amethyst, startling her.  “Try to chill.  You look like you’re waiting to go in front of a firing squad.  Connie’s nice, we’ve picked her for you to start with  _ because _ she’s nice.”  She patted Jasper’s knee and said, “Ew.  Sweat much?”

“The damp handprints look kind of like your star kneepatches,” Jasper pointed out with an uneasy smile.  

“Your boots are really soft, what is that, like microsuede?”

“I guess?  I don’t know, but I do like how they feel.  Hey.  You’re trying to distract me from being nervous by talking about something inconsequential.”  She pointed an accusatory finger at Amethyst.

“You got me.”

“Keep going.”

Amethyst was opening her mouth to do so when they heard the Secret Knock Steven had come up with against the corrugated iron gate.  “Hold that thought,” she said, and scuttled off to slide it back.

Jasper clutched at the edge of her seat again.  She couldn’t see the gate from here; there was a pile of miscellaneous crap in the way, and she thought she would have to see about moving that and clearing a line of sight.  She could hear Steven and Amethyst’s voices, talking too quietly for her to make out what they said, and then Amethyst came back around the crap-pile and after her came Steven, hand in hand with a human girl a little taller than him and wearing blue dungarees.  Jasper had never paid proper attention to what Connie looked like, and she was aware that although she knew what  _ she _ thought looked good she didn’t know what a human girl of Connie’s stage of development was  _ supposed _ to look like.  Taking a good look at her now she thought Connie was far too thin and flimsy in the body, but she had nice hair, a strong nose and very determined eyes.  

“Okay,” said Steven with a big, bright smile that he turned from one of them to the other like a flashlight beam.  “Just like we talked about.  Connie, this is my newest friend Jasper.  Jasper, this is my best friend Connie.”

Jasper fought down every instinct to assert herself and at least stand up.  It wasn’t the time.  Connie was looking at her with profound skepticism, she thought.  She’d better say something fast, but what could she say?  Plunge straight into an apology?  She balked and blurted out, “Thank you for agreeing to meet me,” instead.  That was humble, right?  It felt uncomfortable enough to be really humble.  It wasn’t as if she could talk to Connie like she was a Diamond, or was it?

It might have been an okay move.  She didn’t see any immediate negative reaction.  Connie nodded and said, “Steven wanted me to give you a chance.  And I’ll admit I’m curious.”  Her voice wobbled very slightly.  Jasper experienced the confidence boost she always got from realising someone was scared of her, and then felt bad about it because that was not the  _ point _ here, that was the  _ opposite _ of what she should be trying to achieve.   _ I’m still far taller than her even sitting down,  _ she thought.   _ Okay.  What’s the opposite of that, because that’s probably what I need to do?   _ She couldn’t actually get herself lower down than Connie short of lying on the floor and she was fairly sure that would just make things weird, but she carefully pushed herself off from her perch on the edge of her seat — she noticed Connie gripping Steven’s hand tighter but, to her credit, she didn’t fall back — and lowered herself on one knee.  Like formally reporting to a Diamond, not that Connie could know that, and at least there wasn’t an infuriating little Yellow Pearl smirking behind her.  

“I want to apologise,” she said, which was a big fat lie but, they had agreed in the planning session, sounded better than the more truthful “I feel I have to apologise.”  She took a deep breath and made herself keep going.  “The way you’ve seen me behave, I understand if you’re afraid of me or if you just don’t want anything to do with me.  I’ve been… aggressive…”   _ I hate this I hate this I hate this why do I have to give her the opportunity to condemn me like this?  Shut up, shut up, do it for Amethyst, do it for Steven.  Do it so when you have to face Ocean you at least have some idea of how it’ll be.   _ “I’ve been cruel,” she amended, talking faster, trying not to stall.

“Yeah,” Connie said, nodding slowly.  “You have.  You said horrible things to Amethyst, and when you were beating down those poor monsters, you were enjoying yourself.  I saw how you were smiling.”

Jasper bit her lip, closed her fists, opened them again and put her palms flat on the floor.  “That’s true.  I regret that.  She didn’t deserve all that and neither did they.”

“Is that how Homeworld trained you to be?” Connie asked, surprising her.

“It’s… I got  _ rewarded _ for being like that, but I’m more responsible for it than if I was just doing what I was taught.  I think.  I’m still working out what I think about that.  But I am sorry.  I don’t want to act like that any more.  It’s cheap and it’s dishonourable and I can’t have any respect for myself if I do.  And I want you to know I’m sorry and I’m trying to do better.  That’s all.”  She made herself bow her head, although her neck was straining to lift back up, if only so she could see how Connie was taking all that.   _ Did I say it right?  Was that enough?  What do I have to do, say I’m a horrible person, a vicious animal?  Can I get out of this with any damn dignity at all? _

“Amethyst,” said Connie, “how do you feel about this?  Are you okay with Jasper now?”

“Yeah, I am,” Amethyst said, and Jasper felt her hand on her back.  It made her feel weak how much that meant to her, but she would take what she could get.  “Anyone can  _ say _ they’re sorry but she’s walking the talk.  Or whatever I mean.”

“And Steven?  Because I know how you  _ felt _ about her, and that’s a long way from what you’re telling me now.  Are you sure?”

“Yes.  I really am.  Things were really bad between us to start but they’re getting better all the time.  I believe in Jasper - and I should’ve believed in her sooner.”

“No you shouldn’t,” Jasper objected, unable to keep her head down even if she really should.  “I tried to kill you.”

“You know who else tried to kill me?  Peridot!  Lots of times!  Sometimes with lasers!  But I always believed she would turn out to be a good person if we just tried to understand each other.  And Lapis!  I cared about her from the start so I always believed all that attempted drowning wasn’t who she really was inside!  I didn’t give you the same chances and I  _ know _ it was because you were big and scary and they were little and cute.  I like to think being open-minded is one of my strong points but you’ve made me realise I’ve got a way to go in that department.”

“Don’t open your mind so much you just stand there trying to talk and let people pulverise you,” Jasper said.  “If you do I’ll have to stop them and I’ll resent it.  I’ll do it!  But I’ll resent it.”

Steven grinned at her.  “I know you would.  Don’t worry, I’m not saying that.  I just want to give  _ everyone _ every chance I can, short of getting pulverised.”

“You really are friends,” Connie said with a touch of wonder.  “Okay, that settles it.  If you two are okay with Jasper I want to be too.”  She let go Steven’s hand and stepped forward decisively.  “Let’s start over,” she said, offering her hand to Jasper.  “Hi, I’m Connie Maheswaran, I’ll be thirteen next week.”

This felt a little redundant, but it would be stupid to point that out when Connie was literally extending the hand of friendship.  She folded her much larger hand around it carefully, and felt it trembling very slightly.  So, still scared of her but pushing herself to be brave.  Steven’s sweetness about giving people chances might have made her feel she had to.  “I’m Jasper,” she said.  “I’m… about five thousand.  Sorry to be vague, it’s not something I’ve paid a lot of attention to.”

“You’re kind of like an elf that way,” Connie said.  Behind her, Jasper heard Amethyst make a snorting snickering noise suggesting that whatever ‘elf’ meant it was somehow embarrassing.  “I don’t suppose they pay a lot of attention to exactly how many years they’ve been alive either.”

“She’s more like an  _ elk _ than an elf,” Amethyst said.  She clapped Jasper on the back and added affectionately, “Ya big moose.”

“Steven tells me you’re working out what you want to do with your life now,” Connie said.

“Uh, yes.”  She let go Connie’s hand, hoping that wasn’t offensive, but her own hand was getting too sweaty.  “I don’t have any really clear ideas yet.  I can't go back after failing the way I have.  I don’t think I’m going to get anywhere I want to go by fighting any more.  I still have…  _ very _ mixed feelings about the Earth but it’s important to Amethyst and Steven and I care about  _ them _ too much now to stay on a side that wants to destroy it.  I  _ was _ made here.  I don’t think I’m going to have peace of mind until I come to terms with that.”

Connie nodded thoughtfully.  “At least you’re seriously thinking about it,” she said.  “A lot of people living in an authoritarian society never get that far.  I’d like to help you with that if I can.  I’m all about questioning the status quo and a hard-won redemption narrative.”

“Thank you,” said Jasper.  She was thrown by how readily Connie had seemed to accept her apology; she’d given her the gimlet eye beforehand, and yet now she was talking to her… as if she were a normal person.   _ I guess because I never really hurt  _ her _ deeply.  I scared her and made her angry by hurting her friends, but there isn’t the depth of harm there that would make her really bear a grudge.  Either that or I’m still on probation.  That feels most likely. _

“Can I ask you a personal question?”

“I guess?” Jasper could feel her shoulders hunching defensively and fought them down.  She felt both sweaty and itchy and kept getting an entirely irrational and unhelpful impulse to put her helmet on.  A fighting instinct was a hard thing to fight.

“You said you care about Amethyst and Steven now, and I want to ask you why.”

“But we talked about this,” Steven interrupted, “I told you about how we’re trying to be like a supportive family, Quartzes together —”

“I know,” she said, “but I really want to hear Jasper’s perspective in her own words.”  They both looked at her expectantly.

It wasn’t the kind of question she’d feared — challenging her to justify her life or if she couldn’t, to grovel more — but it was still an embarrassing one to answer.  Jasper cleared her throat, stalling for time while she got the words together.  “They, um.  They cared about  _ me _ even when there wasn’t anything in it for them.  I thought that was the only reason they could possibly be trying, that they could use me for something, that they thought I’d be so pathetically grateful for any kindness, a failure like me, that I’d turn my back on my whole life and identity to follow them.  I told them I’m never going to fight for them, and they said okay and they kept coming back.  Asking me how I felt and what I wanted to do and — and trying to  _ cheer me up. _  They honestly got upset about me being miserable.  For no reason except they cared about me.  No one’s ever cared about  _ me _ like that.  Me, even if I was useless to them.  It doesn’t make me want to turn around and slap a star on my chest and call myself a Crystal Gem!” she added, her face reddening.  “But they don’t want my service.  They don’t care if I never do anything for them but be their friend.  Their sister.  And I want to.”

“Are you still never going to fight?” Connie asked.  “You’re a pacifist now?”

“What?  No!  Fighting is who I am!  I’m not going to — I mean I’d fight to protect them!  I’d fight to help them!  It’s different.”

“Kinda splitting hairs there, dude,” said Amethyst.

“It’s different because you’re my family and you’d be my family whether I did or not.  So I want to.  I know that’s stupid and inconsistent and muddled but it’s my reason and I’ve got a right to — urk.”   _ It _ became  _ urk _ because Steven had launched himself to hug her round the neck.  He’d been standing there gazing at her with increasingly huge shiny eyes and apparently just couldn’t contain himself any longer.

“You’re so cool, Jasper!”

“No I’m not.”  She’d been trying not to look threatening to Connie but she didn’t want to look like a pushover either.

“Yeah you are!”

“Stop choking me or I’ll give you another embarrassing nickname.”

“Like what?”

“P- Peachfuzz!”  His dumb soft cheek was pressed against hers and it was the first thing that came to mind.

“All your mean nicknames just make me sound adorable,” he chuckled, sliding down.

“Ugh, this is what I get for softening up on you,” she said, rolling her eyes.  

“Yeah,  _ hugs,  _ yuck.”

“Okay,” said Connie.  “I guess the obvious question is, when do you tell Garnet and Pearl about this?”

“We… haven’t decided yet,” Steven admitted.

“Yeah, we’re kinda keeping a tight lid on it,” Amethyst said.

“Welcome to Keeping Secrets From Parents Club!  The first rule of Keeping Secrets From Parents Club is you don’t tell your parents about Keeping Secrets From Parents Club.  That reference was funnier in my head,” Connie said.

“Telling you was kind of a trial run,” said Steven, “and can I just say thank you again for being so cool about it even though I kept you in the dark for a while?”

“You can thank me all you want, but what will really make things right is a birthday cake decorated like Dogcopter.  Homemade.  With love.”

“I’ll do my best, but you may have to settle for a cake that  _ tastes _ good but looks only  _ vaguely _ like Dogcopter.  The love part is no problem.”

“Seriously though,” Connie said, “the thing about a secret is the longer you keep it, the bigger of a deal it feels like when you finally tell.  And the harder it gets to  _ keep _ it, especially when you do conspicuous things like putting up a gate that makes your room look like a post-apocalyptic fort.”

“My room was already post-apocalyptic,” Amethyst pointed out, “so a fort counts as classing up the joint.  And we did that so Jasper felt safer.”

“I didn’t feel  _ unsafe,” _ Jasper protested, “I just don’t want this situation to blow up on you because one of  _ them _ barges in here unexpectedly.”  She did feel  _ more _ safe with the potholes blocked and the gate up.  She wasn’t  _ afraid _ of Garnet per se but fighting her was hard work and she would rather be able to prepare for it than get ambushed.  She wasn’t afraid of Pearl at all but it had been her experience that Pearls were highly strung, probably because they were made to be conscientious about every little detail, and got hysterical easily.  What did you even do with a hysterical Pearl who’d stumbled on your hiding place?  Uncover a pothole and dunk her in the water?

“They don’t really barge unless it’s an emergency,” Amethyst said.  

“You don’t think they would consider Jasper being unbubbled and loose in your room an emergency?” Connie asked.

“Well, sure, but they wouldn’t know about that unless they’d already barged in.  J, as long as you don’t do anything dumb like knock over a pile of scrap iron when they know I’m out, or chuck things down the potholes so they pop out in Pearl’s room, you should be safe as houses.”

“And Jasper doesn’t want to fight the Crystal Gems any more, remember?” Steven added.  “She wants to make art and listen to music and maybe grow flowers, right?”

“Slow down, she hasn’t gone  _ full _ hippie yet,” Amethyst said.

“What have my hips got to do with any of this?” Jasper demanded.  

“No, hippies are… they’re people like Steven!  Who talk a lot about peace and love and flower power and play guitars and wear sandals.”

“I want to argue with that but it’s hard to think how,” Steven said ruefully.  

“I can’t just spend my  _ life _ doing art and self-indulgent stuff like that,” Jasper said.  “Even if I’m not serving any greater purpose I still want something purposeful to do.”

“There’s… kind of the obvious thing to do,” Steven said.

“I’ve said I’m not joining the Crystal Gems.  I still mean that.”

“No, I mean the obvious thing for you to do is help other Gems with their corruption.”

Jasper felt something like panic, and indignation at what he seemed to be imposing on her.  “I don’t know how to do that.  I barely got through it with both of you helping me all the time and I was a mess.   _ And _ I didn’t get it the same way as anyone else.  What makes you think I know how to solve any of their problems?”

“You wouldn’t have to do it all yourself.  Just by being there you’d be encouraging them.  They could see it was possible to get well.  Then —”

“I don’t want to be a role model again.  I don’t want to be held up as a success story!  It wasn’t true then and it isn’t true now.”

“Oh.   _ Oh! _  Jeez, I’m sorry, Jasper, I didn’t even think of that angle.  I wouldn’t want to make you feel like that again.  Forget about it,” Steven said contritely.

“It doesn’t mean I don’t care about them or want to do anything for them, but I can’t be the Corrupted Gem that Could.”  She shook her head.

Connie was looking puzzled.  “Back on Homeworld,” Amethyst explained, “Jasper’s kind of a big cheese.  She gets held up as an example, like she came out of the crappy ghetto Kindergarten and became a hero so everyone should work hard and be like Jasper.”

“Ohhh,” said Connie.  “I imagine there’s a lot of pressure to keep living up to that type of thing, once you’ve set the bar so high.”

“I can  _ do _ it,” Jasper said.  “It’s just not  _ worth _ it.  You can have a whole stadium of people who think you're a hero screaming your name and it’s still not worth as much as a plain hello from one person who knows what you’re actually like and likes you anyway.  I don’t blame them for wanting someone to look up to but they can find someone  _ else.” _

“Okay,” said Steven.  “It’s fine if you don’t know exactly what you want to do yet.  You’ve been through a really rough time and — well, maybe you  _ do _ need a vacation, like we talked about.  Just to take it easy for a while ‘till your inspiration comes back.  Kind of like  _ Kiki’s Delivery Service.” _

“Pizza Kiki or  _ Kiki _ Kiki?” Connie asked.

“Kiki Kiki.”

“Right.”

“Hang out with us and practise shapeshifting and maybe you’ll even figure out how to fly again.”

“Are you… still talking about Kiki?” Connie asked.

“No, Jasper.  But no broom.  Remember I told you Malachite could fly like Lapis?  Jasper wants to be able to do that for herself."

“That would be  _ wonderful!” _ Connie exclaimed, her eyes lighting up.  “And a great metaphor for your newfound personal freedom.”

“So we have  _ lots _ we can do,” Steven said.  “It’ll be fun!”

“But Connie had a point,” Jasper said.  “Earlier.  She said that the longer you try to keep me a secret, the harder it’ll be to sustain.  It was one thing when all you had to do was not tell them about me when I was somewhere else, but now I’m actually here under the same roof and slips will be so much easier.  You want to take control of this situation and not get caught on the back foot looking like you think you’re in the wrong.  For one thing, taking control and choosing when and how it comes up makes it less likely to turn into a physical fight.  You don't want that, so we negotiate, but we don’t do it acting as if we know we’re at a disadvantage or we’re trying to appease them.  You have to project strength and confidence.  They’re your allies.  They  _ want _ to be able to agree with you so you can  _ stay _ allies.  That’s your real advantage.  As long as you don’t sabotage it by acting weak or guilty they’re going to do a lot of your convincing work for you.” 

“The way you put it is kind of cold-blooded but I guess that is good advice,” Steven said slowly.

“You don't have to do everything at once,” Amethyst said.  “I kind of thought we’d just chill for awhile and… I dunno, enjoy having you here.”

Jasper glanced at her in surprise.  She really sounded disappointed.  It was true they'd had a good time last night after Steven had excused himself.  Amethyst had shown her more interesting junk and played her some very loud music called drum and bass that she thought she would like (it sounded nothing like any music she'd ever heard and was apparently made by chopping other music up and sticking it back together in a different shape) and she'd been stunned by how much she did, in fact, like it.  You could feel it as well as hear it, burring and blamming up through your feet and into your backbone.  Amethyst had shown her a lot of hyperactive-looking dance steps that you could do by yourself, just for fun, not for fusion or formality or anything else.  And following them had come naturally, easily after a couple of stumbles.  Amethyst had cheered her on and she'd laughed.  It  _ had _ been good — no, it had been great — but she hadn't thought it was  _ important.   _

“Would you not enjoy having me here as much if Pearl and Garnet knew?”

“Eh, I don't know, it's just kind of cool having you to ourselves.  Being able to hang with you and be awake!  Things are gonna change once they know.”

“Would they stop us doing stuff like that?”

“I don't think so, just — blah, I can't explain it.  We do have to tell ‘em.  Get it outta the way and see what happens.”

“We can still have fun before that,” Steven offered.  “What if we plan to do it tomorrow and have a sleepover tonight?”

 

Steven was sleepy and yawning again, although at least this time was because they hadn't slept much last night.  Connie had called her mother and got permission to stay, since it was a Saturday, and they'd set up mattresses and sleeping bags in Amethyst’s room.  Pearl had made a few worried remarks about tetanus shots but otherwise approved.  They had ordered pizza and feasted sitting on the floor while Jasper carefully picked apart the slice they gave her, trying to understand it, before piling the toppings back on and stuffing it into her mouth in one bite.  She had chewed with ferocious concentration and then choked when she tried to swallow food for the first time, and had to half spit, half drool it into a bucket and have her back patted.  They had played music and danced, they had done each other's hair (no mere elastic band could contain Jasper’s hair and Amethyst had cut the hooks off a bungee cord and knotted it to make her a scrunchie), they had done personality quizzes on Steven and Connie’s phones and read the results aloud (Jasper was ENTJ, slightly more Hufflepuff than Gryffindor, her spirit morph familiar would clearly be a tiger but she kept getting Morose Bacon when Steven had been sure she’d be Angry Toast), and eventually they had fallen asleep in a pile with everyone leaning on Jasper, who had turned out to share Amethyst’s talent for sleeping.  

It had been so, so satisfying to see how Connie and Jasper had made friends.  Jasper had looked awfully uncertain about it (and equally grumpy) and Connie had initially been a bit shy, but bit by bit they had both warmed up.  The personality quizzes had been a good icebreaker, because Jasper didn't know what a familiar was supposed to be, or for that matter a tiger, and Connie had needed just a little encouragement from Steven to get into explaining in detail.  He’d run and got the first book of the Spirit Morph Saga from his room and Connie had given a dramatic reading of the first chapter, and Jasper had listened with her mouth slightly open and her eyes  _ wide _ open and got all flustered when Connie shut the book with a clap and put it into her hands.  

“The rest of the story is for you!” she said brightly. 

“I can't take this,” Jasper said. 

“Well, not to keep, I’m lending it to you.  After lending it to Steven.”

“I might take a long time to finish it,” Jasper admitted.  “I’m studying human writing but I read it slowly.  So if you need this back you shouldn't lend it to me.”

“Oh,” Connie said, looking embarrassed.  “I’m sorry, I shouldn't have just assumed you can read our books.”

“I  _ can _ read them,” Jasper said, glowering.  “Just slowly.”

“Then that's fine.  Take as long as you like.  There's nothing better for your reading than a really great story where you can't wait to see what happens.”

Jasper had still looked embarrassed and grouchy and flustered but she had mumbled a thank-you and kept the book close to her all night.  When Steven woke in the morning, still hand in hand with Connie the way they had fallen asleep, he found that Jasper was reading, lying on her tummy with the old quilt Amethyst had found her in lieu of a sleeping bag bundled round her shoulders.  She was moving her lips as she read, making sure of the sounds, but from the way her eyes moved it looked like she was going at a better speed than he’d have expected.   

She felt him roll over and glanced at him, then whispered (a Jasper whisper was like the rumble of very distant summer thunder), “Good, you’re awake.  Tell me how to pronounce this stupid name, I can't sound it out.”

He let go Connie’s hand and wriggled closer like a caterpillar in his sleeping bag — exactly why he'd chosen the caterpillar design — and looked at the word underlined by one large orange finger.  “Archimicarus,” he whispered back.  “One of my favourite characters.”

“Whoever decided c-h should sometimes be pronounced k should die,” Jasper said, much more placidly than the words suggested.  

“They probably already did a long time ago.”

“That's all right then.”

He leaned his head on her arm and she looked at him curiously.  “All of you sure do like to lie all over me,” she whispered.  “What's the appeal?”

“You're big and warm and you smell nice and you make us feel safe, I guess.”

“How do I make you feel safe just lying here?  I'm not on guard, I don't have a weapon… if I rolled over I’d squash you flat.”

“I don't know, you just do.”

“But I  _ am _ still scary, right?” she asked, like she wanted to be reassured.  

“You could be if you wanted to.  You just don't have your scary switch on.”

“I’ve been told I smell nice, and that I make people feel safe but that was always more like ‘we feel safe knowing you're out there fighting for us.’”

“There's more than one way to make people feel safe, I guess.”

“Do you think it's dangerous for you to be as forgiving as you are?” Jasper asked.  “I hurt you before and I could hurt you again and it could be worse because you're all… snuggly-wuggly and trusting.”

“Well… hurting by accident still hurts but it's not the same as hurting on purpose, and I don't think you'll do that again.”  He rubbed his cheek on her arm and admitted, “You were the first person who ever hurt me on purpose in my life.  I’d been in fights and things but that's different from someone picking you up and saying something mean and  _ headbutting  _ you.  You looked me right in the eye and you… in my head I made that into why you were really really bad, and not like Lapis or Peridot.  But honestly?  It's not as if you were nice or gentle but you were holding back, weren't you?  They weren't.   There's no  _ safe  _ way to knock someone out but that was all you were trying to do.   We're probably  _ real _ lucky you decided to headbutt me instead of pull my gemstone off to poof me.  I keep imagining my guts would pop out of the hole like pink silly string, shhpshhhh.”

“You imagine that a lot?” Jasper asked, looking troubled.  

“I’ve had to think about it, figuring things out.  I try not to dwell on the guts part.”

“Don't give me too much credit.  Remember I thought I was dealing with Rose Quartz, even if I couldn't understand why she'd sealed herself into this little meat body.  I made my little speech and headbutted you because I wanted your defeat to really  _ hurt.   _ That was the most satisfying moment of my life up to then.  I wanted to make her hurt as much as I’d hurt.  I enjoyed being cruel.”

“But you wouldn't enjoy something like that now, would you?”

“I guess not.  I know too much about the other side of it now,” Jasper mumbled.   “I don't know, we don't know unless I’m in a situation like that again, do we?”

“I believe in you.  We were enemies, but now we're not.  You really scared me and hurt me, but now you make me feel safe and warm.  There was a lot of important stuff in between.  I don't think I’m kidding myself or being too open-minded, I think things are really better.  That's what we can tell Garnet and Pearl today.”

Jasper was quiet for a moment, looking at the page of her book with her eyes still, not really seeing it.  “It's not something I’m used to,” she said, “but you make me feel safe too.  Not as if you're going to protect me if there's danger.  As if there won't be any danger.  As if everything’s going to be okay.  I know that can't be true, not long term, but it's a nice way to feel.”  She leaned over and rather awkwardly rubbed her cheek on top of his head.  

 

Steven, Connie and Amethyst prepared to face Garnet and Pearl together.  That was the plan, while Jasper waited in Amethyst’s room to be called and tried to keep calm by reading about Lisa and Archimicarus.  She was still a little indignant about that name.  They had decided not to tell her about Iolanthalatea in the second book.  

“We doing this?” Amethyst asked him. 

He squeezed her hand.  “Yep!”

After getting all nerved up to face them, they instead faced the anticlimax that they were nowhere to be seen.  On the bright side, that meant they didn't have to walk right out of the temple and have an important conversation in pyjamas (or the rather large Guitar Dad shirt Connie had borrowed as a nightie).  Steven and Connie each washed up and got dressed, while Amethyst lurked in the living room keeping watch.  They were just having some cereal and wondering whether it was a good use of time to make pancakes when the other two appeared on the warp pad, Garnet lugging a large object a bit like a ship’s anchor and Pearl dithering about where they were going to  _ put _ it.  

“It's a conversation starter,” Garnet said.  

“You're absolutely right!” Steven exclaimed, jumping down from his stool.  “Hi!  We've been wanting to start a conversation with you.”

“Oh, good morning,” said Pearl.  “Did you sleep well?  I hope you didn't  _ oversleep _ at your  _ sleepover.”   _ She giggled at her own joke.  

“Haw!  Good one, P,” said Amethyst, who was possibly trying a bit too hard owing to nerves.  Pearl gave her an odd look but smiled.  

“Could we all sit down together and talk?” Steven asked.  “No one has anything planned for this morning, do they?”

“Nothing that won't keep,” Garnet said, putting the anchorish thing in a corner.  “What was it you wanted to talk about?”

“Let's do this properly,” Connie said.  “I’ll make some tea.”

“How nice,” Pearl said, politely.  She sat beside Garnet on the couch; Garnet leaned back with her elbows on the back of the couch and her legs crossed, while Pearl sat forward with her hands clasped around her knees.  Steven looked at them both, Garnet calm and impassive and Pearl bright-eyes and curious, and  _ wanted _ to tell them everything but also wanted to suspend everything right here before he did and everything changed.  Did Garnet know, or suspect?  A surprising and comforting thought occurred to him.  Garnet used her future vision a lot to look out for threats to him.  If she didn't see anything coming up in this situation, that went to show Jasper was safe, right?

Connie brought over a tray of their mismatched mugs and cups and set them out.  “It's all peppermint,” she said, “that was all I could find; I hope everyone likes it.”

“It smells lovely,” said Pearl gamely. 

“Okay,” said Steven, clapping his hands together.  He felt nervous but kind of excited too; both could explain why his hands were a little sweaty.  “We want to tell you about a secret project we’ve been working on.  It was secret because we wanted to surprise you, but also because we didn't want there to be any expectations, you know, just in case it never came to anything.”  They'd agreed not to say anything up front about “you wouldn't have let us.”  It really wasn't where they wanted to focus everyone’s attention.  

“Oh yes?” Pearl said.  

“It's been a lot of work but we're really, really proud of what we've pulled off, and we hope you will be too, once you have time to digest the idea a little.”

“Why do we need to  _ digest _ it?” Garnet asked.  

“It may sound a little… wacky at first,” Amethyst said.  

“And have you worked on this project too, Connie?” Pearl asked. 

“No, I was the test audience.  I was surprised to say the least, but I think if you give it a chance you'll be impressed.”  Connie’s endorsement was an important part of their don’t-freak-out strategy too; it might not cut much ice with Garnet but Pearl’s good opinion of her had to mean it carried some weight.  

“Oh?”

“Just hear us out, okay?” said Amethyst.  She might be overdoing the caution too; making what they had to say sound alarming before Garnet and Pearl had had a chance to be alarmed by it or not. 

“The thing is,” Steven went on quickly, “we’ve had a breakthrough.  It's only the first time and we don't know if it’ll work every time, but it's still really cool on its own.  We’ve healed a corrupted Gem.”

The impact was pretty satisfying; Pearl gasped and covered her mouth with both hands and Garnet actually sat up straight.  It was a few steps down from their reaction to Smoky, granted, but still.  

“Who is she?” Garnet asked urgently.  “The Centipeetle?  Someone else?  Was she one of ours?”

“Someone else, but not one of ours,” Steven said carefully, “meaning she  _ was _ on the Homeworld side but not any more.  We’ve made friends with her.  It wasn't easy, but it's all okay now.”

“What's her name?” Pearl asked, leaning forward.  

He took a deep breath.  “It's Jasper.”

“Another Jasper?”

“What?   No,  _ Jasper  _ Jasper.”

_ “What.”   _ That was Garnet. 

“Don't freak out!” Amethyst cried.  

“What are you talking about?” Pearl exclaimed.  “You  _ hate _ Jasper and Steven is terrified of her.  We've talked about this!”

“A lot’s changed since then,” Amethyst said.  “We got to know her.”

“You're not trying to tell us she’s just  _ misunderstood _ , are you?” Garnet asked.  “Jasper is not a nice person.”

“She  _ wasn't  _ a nice person but she's been getting a lot better!” Steven said.  “She's our friend now.”

“She's our sister,” Amethyst blurted out.  

“How could you even do this when she's been bubbled for weeks?” Pearl protested.  

“In dreams,” Steven said.  “You can go in and kind of wake a bubbled Gem and communicate with her in dreams.  Amethyst and me, we can do it together.  We finally unbubbled her and she's okay!”

“Where is she?” Garnet asked, her voice low and urgent. 

Steven and Amethyst exchanged glances. “In a safe place,” said Amethyst.  “Remember the part where we asked you not to freak out?”

Garnet stood up sharply, bumping the coffee table and spilling the tea.  “You're going to tell me where.”

“Uh, no we’re  _ not _ when you look like you're fixing to take her to pieces,” Amethyst said. 

“I can't believe you would let Steven do something so dangerous.  This is a known enemy we're talking about, someone you defeated yourself!”

“One, we didn't defeat her, Peridot got her at the last second.  Two, if you'd been there and you'd heard her you wouldn't be saying this.  She — she had a broken heart, okay?  It doesn't make what she did okay but she had no one who cared about her!  Even I’ve nearly always had that!  Jasper and me are sisters, we’re alike, I get her and she gets me.  I need to help her.  If you can be cool with that we can show you where she is and we can all talk, but if you can't then we can't either.”

Garnet looked at Amethyst for a long moment.  She drew in a deep breath through her nose and let it out.  “She's in your room, isn't she,” she said flatly.  

“Inside the temple!?” Pearl shrieked.  “Amethyst, how  _ could  _ you?”

“Why are you both yelling at Amethyst?” Steven demanded.  “This was my idea too and we could only do it because of my dream powers.  Either you want me to be a healer and a leader or you don't!  Healers aren't supposed to say ‘oh no, I can't help you with your pain because you're not a very nice person.’  You can ask Connie’s mom!  And what would  _ my _ mom say?”

“She’d  _ say,  _ ‘Keep Steven safe!’” Garnet snapped.  She stopped short and stood back, folding one arm across her body, pushing the fingers of her other hand under her glasses and wiping back hidden tears.  “You didn't tell us any of this.  I thought we trusted each other.”

“We love you,” Steven said, tears springing up in his own eyes, “but we were scared you’d say exactly what you're saying.  Jasper needed us and we needed to help her.  At least to try.  Come on, Garnet.  Now you know she's here, look at the future.  Are you seeing Jasper doing anything bad to us?”

Garnet took a deep breath, composing herself.  She thought deeply for a few moments.  “She isn't going to make things easy,” she said. 

“But is she going to hurt us, or trick us, or anything like that?”

“Not as things currently stand,” Garnet admitted.  

“There!”

“The future isn't set, Steven.  We all have free will and we can all be surprised.”

“Yes.  Like you could be surprised to find out Jasper is a pretty okay person when she tries.”

“I mean, she’s got her  _ faults,  _ we’re not brainwashed here,” Amethyst said. 

“Oh yeah.  She's short-tempered.”

“Grouchy.”

“Impatient.”

“Stubborn as hell.”

“Kind of a drama queen.”

“And that's from her best friends.  But!” Amethyst went on, “she's really brave.”

“Once she sets her mind to something she works super hard.”

“She  _ wants _ to be a good friend, she's just still kinda learning how.”

“She's so cute when she laughs!”

_ “Cute?”  _ Pearl repeated incredulously. 

“We’re getting sidetracked,” said Garnet.  “What were you thinking would happen after you told us this?”

“We were hoping to bring her out to meet you, and we could all talk about how we can live together.  If we gave that chance to Peridot, I think we need to do it for Jasper too.”

“Well, she clearly can't live up at the barn,” Pearl said. 

“No.  I want her to share with me,” said Amethyst.  “I’ve got plenty of room.”

“That's hardly the only consideration,” said Pearl. 

“No,” said Amethyst, shrugging, “but… she big.”

“I can't promise anything,” said Garnet, “but I would be prepared to talk to her.  What about you, Pearl?”

Pearl bit her lip, twining her hands together.  “If you're reasonably sure there's no risk for Steven and of course Connie, yes, I think it's worth a try.”

“Thank you thank you thank you!” Steven cried, rushing forward to hug them both; they were slammed from the other side and sandwiched by a parallel hug attack from Amethyst. 

“Well,” said Connie, “that went  _ much _ better than my attempt to negotiate for a rabbit.”

 

Jasper was lost in a maze of moving walls and whispering voices with Lisa when the secret knock clanged on the gate.  It took her a moment to come back to the real world.  She sprang up and hurried to slide the metal sheet back.  It was Amethyst, her eyes wide with excitement. 

“Okay, be cool.  They  _ did _ throw a fit but not a big one.  They calmed down and listened to us and they wanna talk to you.”

“Stay sharp,” Jasper reminded her.  “If it were me and I still didn't trust… me, I’d be waiting for me to come out that door with a weapon.”

“I really don't think it's gonna come to that, but if it does I got your back.”  Amethyst raised her fist and Jasper bumped it with her own knuckles.  “Pchowww?”

“Oh all right, pchowww.”  She mimed her hand exploding and was rewarded with Amethyst’s grin. 

There was no ambush outside the temple door, only a large warp pad and a strange structure made of wood that must be the human house Steven had described to her.  It looked nice enough; it smelled clean. Standing in the middle of the main space were Garnet, Pearl, Steven and Connie.  Two friendly faces.  One unreadable, and one… she didn't know what to make of Pearl’s expression either, although she could see more of it.  Her face was all flushed and she was staring at her fiercely but all her body language said  she was terrified.  She was just behind Steven, gripping his shoulders.  Garnet stood beside her in almost exactly the position Jasper would have chosen herself if she didn't have to try to be conciliatory, her feet a shoulder width apart, her head high and her arms folded. 

Well, it had worked well on Connie and it had the virtue of being one of the last things they'd expect her to do.  At least she'd have the satisfaction of surprising them.  She walked towards them, saw them bracing themselves, realised she'd fallen back into the habit of holding her hands curled in fists, and deliberately opened them out as she went to one knee.  

They stared.  Good.  Here she was having to bow down in front of a mad Pearl and a flagrant fusion, but at least they couldn't take anything about  _ her  _ for granted.   _ Don't get too pumped up,  _ she reminded herself.   _ Amethyst and Steven are counting on you and you have to make this work.  _

“I’m here to make peace,” she said.  “I have…”  It was so hard to say that she had to be extra formal about it.  “I have acted with a personal malice that went beyond doing my duty.  I’ve been driven by revenge.  I… don't have any right to stop you living the way you want to here, I don't have any reason to harm this planet or the life here.  I don't want anything to do with that any more.  I was made on Earth and I need to make peace with Earth.”  Her mouth was drying up and she stopped talking, figuring it was about time they said something anyway. 

There was a long silence.  Jasper could see Pearl’s long pale fingers shifting on Steven's shoulders, making sure she had a firm grip while trying not to squeeze too hard and hurt him.  The idea of a Pearl hurting a sturdy little chunk of Quartz like Steven was sort of funny, but then, she could probably give him a decent pinch if she put her back into it.  Garnet was just watching her.  The silence stretched out.  She felt compelled to fill it in with something.  “And I'm sorry I hurt Steven and Amethyst.  I’ve learned to care about them.  If anyone else treated them the way I did I'd want to smash them.”

“Are you just apologising for things to try to soften us up?” Garnet asked bluntly. 

“I don't apologise for  _ anything  _ unless I mean it,” Jasper snapped back.  She clenched her teeth together, telling herself to shut up, shut up.  She was getting too angry.  She  _ did _ want to make peace with them, she didn't give a damn if they wanted to fuse willy-nilly or declare themselves warriors or potplants or whatever, but her pride was getting in the way.  

Again, she felt Amethyst’s hand on her back, steadying her.  “It's okay, J,” she said.  “You're doing fine.”

“We don't need a lot of apologies from you,” Garnet went on.  “What's done is done.  What we need is to see a change.  What I’m seeing is a Gem who still walks into a room as if she owns the place.”

“She's kneeling,” Amethyst protested.  “She did this for Connie too.  You can't just make up your mind someone hasn't changed because you don't like her  _ walk.” _

“I didn't say that,” Garnet said.  “Seeing a change takes time.  You and Steven have had that time with Jasper already.  What we need is… a trial period.  We need Jasper to show us that she can live peacefully with us.   That is what you say you want, right?”

“Right,” Jasper said cautiously. 

“Just a minute,” said Garnet.  “Pearl, come with me.”  They went away through a door to the outside world — a door with another painting of Rose Quartz over it, Jasper noticed now.  She looked peaceful and placid and as if she'd never thought of throwing a whole colony into chaos or turning anyone’s life inside out.  She tried to think how it compared with the portrait Pink Diamond had kept, but could only remember the fact that the picture had been there, not how it had looked.   She couldn't even recall if it had been full-length, or half-length like this one, or only head and shoulders.  

“Is this a good sign or a bad one?” she muttered to the others.  

“It's… we don't know,” said Amethyst. 

“But it's not a throwing you out on your ear sign!” Steven pointed out brightly.  “Which is nice.”

Jasper glanced out through the window again.  At this distance she couldn't hear Garnet’s low voice as she spoke to Pearl, but Pearl’s struck a higher note and carried further as she asked, “Are you sure?”  She sounded surprised.  They went on talking, leaning close together, both of them speaking low now so that all she had to go on was that  _ something  _ Garnet had said was surprising to Pearl, possibly something she doubted could be true.  Beyond that it was pointless to speculate.  Connie offered her a little mug of hot clear light-brown liquid.  It was supposed to be peppermint, which was a gum flavour, but tasted different, much less sweet.  The heat felt nice in her mouth, though, and this time she managed to swallow something without choking.  

“Look,” said Connie, taking the mug back.  “Big mug,” she said, holding it in her thin brown hands.  “Little mug,” she said, placing it back in Jasper’s big orange mitts, where it did indeed look comically small.  “Fun with scale!”  It was a pretty small joke but the effort to lighten the mood was generally appreciated. 

Garnet and Pearl returned.  Garnet looked as imperturbable as before.  Pearl looked… a little apprehensive but resolute.  

“We have a proposition for you,” Garnet said.  “Until we feel confident that you’re ready to be a member of this team —”

“I don't want to be a Crystal Gem,” Jasper said quickly.   “I’m not against you but I'm not joining you like that.  I still belong to Pink Diamond.  Even if she's gone.”

“Hmm,” said Garnet.  “Then until we feel confident that you can be trusted, you would be on probation and you would report to Pearl.  You don't leave this temple without her.  You don't do anything new without her permission.  You do as she tells you without arguing.  Could you do that?”

Jasper was going to say, “That's ridiculous,” but she stopped and thought.  It  _ was  _ ridiculous.  Pearl couldn't control her or stop her doing anything she set out to do.  Since Pearl couldn't  _ enforce  _ any kind of control, the only way it would work would be if Jasper knuckled under completely.  Garnet was probably counting on her being too proud to agree to that, and then she could turn Jasper down while being able to say she'd given her a fair chance and she was just too stubborn to compromise.  

“Well, if you don't think you  _ can,”  _ Pearl began to say.  

“Done,” Jasper said, getting to her feet.  This could be the next best thing to intolerable but she wasn't going to let Garnet prove her unreasonable.  Garnet didn't even have the decency to look surprised.  Pearl had to know what a stupid idea this was; she was the obvious choice to humiliate Jasper by being set over her.  If that wasn't the point Garnet would have done it herself.  Jasper bent down and spoke directly to Pearl.  “You’ll see.  I'm going to do  _ exactly  _ what you tell me, in record time, and better than you think I can.”

Eyeballing Pearl felt like cheating via intimidation but she was damned if she was going to let her get any ideas about really ordering her around.  For a moment Pearl looked just as unsettled as she should, pulling her head slightly back, but then she surprised Jasper by straightening up and holding eye contact.   “Well, that's the most  _ belligerent _ promise of total obedience I’ve heard.  All right, for your first trick, stop pointing at me when you talk to me like that.  There's no need for it and frankly I find it rude.”

Jasper hesitated fractionally.  She hadn't actually realised she was jabbing her forefinger at Pearl for emphasis.  She folded it back into her hand but that made a fist, possibly worse, so she opened her hand and lowered it.  “See?” she said calmly,  straightening up, and glanced over at Steven and Amethyst to reassure them that she was playing nice.   

“This is a great idea!” Steven exclaimed.  

“Really?” Jasper asked without thinking. 

“Yeah, you can really learn a lot from Pearl!”

“I agree,” said Connie, “she's a great teacher.”

“Either way this is gonna be hilarious,” said Amethyst, grinning.  

“I don't need a teacher,” Jasper objected.  

“But you have one,” said Garnet, smiling to herself.  

“I can't  _ make _ you learn anything if you don't want to, but if I were you I wouldn't waste the opportunity,” said Pearl.  

_ If you were me?  Where do I even start?   _ Jasper cleared her throat, looking at her toes, trying to see her way out of this.  Garnet seemed entirely too pleased and she was sure now she'd walked into a trap.  The fact that she couldn't for the life of her see the pitfall just meant it was an especially  _ sneaky  _ trap which was, after all, only to be expected from someone who was so ready to take an unfair advantage that she went through everyday life as a fusion.  

“So can Jasper stay in my room?” Amethyst asked, grabbing her hand. 

“I don't see why not,” said Pearl, as if she was very seriously trying to think of why not. 

“But Amethyst, we cannot have you bringing people into the temple without telling us,” Garnet said.  “Ever.”

“If I’d wanted to attack your base from the inside it’d be a smoking ruin by now,” said Jasper.  “But Amethyst knew I wouldn't.  You can trust her about that.”  She shrugged one shoulder.  “I did tell her she's the worst at security.”  Amethyst blew a small raspberry up at her.  

“Thank you  _ so _ much, you guys are the  _ best,”  _ Steven said, hugging both Garnet and Pearl.  

“We love you, Steven, but this does change things,” said Garnet.  He pulled back, turning his face up to hers, going a little pale.   “We need to work on the trust between us.  It's been damaged by you deceiving us, but the fact you felt you couldn't just tell us what you had in mind suggests it was damaged already.  We have to take some responsibility for that.  It's easy to assume things will stay strong and not take enough care of them.  It could take some time to get things back to where they should be.”

She crouched down and kissed him on the forehead.  “Can we all promise we'll try?”

“Yeah,” Steven said hesitantly.  He looked down and then up at Garnet again from under his eyebrows.   “Can we agree that I decide who I'm going to try to help and how?  I want to have your support and your advice but I can't — it's a problem if I have to have your  _ permission.” _

Garnet sighed.  “You know it's only because I want to keep you safe.  Scary things have been happening lately.  I'm not immune to scary.  I promise to try.”  She hugged him tight and Pearl bent to wrap her arms around both of them.  Amethyst stepped over, still holding Jasper’s hand, or at least holding her thumb, and joined the hug one-armed, leaving Jasper feeling like a sort of tacked-on appendage.  Connie was joining in too, and she could have happily hugged three fifths of of the group but it was the other two that made things awkward.  She stood there blushing and scowling and trying to be nonchalant about it.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Is this gonna turn into Jaspearl? Wouldn't be the first time. Most of this chapter was written with one finger on a phone screen on Waiheke Island. I don't _think_ it came out weird because of that but if it did, now you know why.


	18. Chapter 18

On the good side, Jasper was allowed to stay with Amethyst, which made her feel better about everything.  Then she felt pathetic about being so reliant on someone else, and someone as small as Amethyst to boot, but she was getting better at telling that particular feeling to shut its face if it had nothing constructive to say.  And Amethyst was so happy to  _ have _ her there, and kept hugging her and giving her weird crap she'd dug up from somewhere, that she couldn't help occasionally forgetting and feeling a little bit good about herself.  

On the bad side, or at least the incredibly daunting side, there was so much she was going to have to face up to.  She wrote a list on the back of a paper sack that had held doughnuts while Amethyst was sleeping off eating all the doughnuts.  

  1. Talk to Peridot. 
  2. Lapis Lazuli?????????????
  3. Find Ocean Jasper. 
  4. Come up with purpose for life. 



Then she crumpled it up and threw it away because nobody needed a list like  _ that _ hanging over their head. 

On the weird and unaccountable side was whatever this was she'd let herself in for with Pearl.  She couldn't get a grip on the hierarchy of the household.  In some ways Garnet was the leader and in other ways Steven was, or was becoming so.  Pearl didn't belong to anyone who might have lent her status so the most logical place for her was right at the bottom but she was plainly in some sort of authority over Steven and Connie.  Amethyst was junior to Garnet and Pearl but just did what she wanted most of the time and there was also this big pink animal hanging around called Lion that did what he wanted  _ all _ the time.  It came naturally to Jasper to assume that whatever situation she entered she was, if not necessarily in charge, somebody important so it had taken her a few days to work out that the person lowest in the pecking order was, in fact, herself.   

That had made her feel humiliated and angry and also sort of vindicated because of course she was, she was the biggest failure there.  She had had everything,  _ was _ everything she was supposed to be, and had blown it through her inner weakness and instability.  That really did put her lower than Garnet, who could at least keep a fusion together, Pearl, who appeared to have come up with a new purpose for herself and everyone just somehow accepted it (the way they told you could absolutely  _ never _ happen), and Amethyst, who was little and stumpy but had her act together better than she did.  

What Pearl was supposed to  _ do _ with her was initially unclear.   She'd left her alone for a day or two and Jasper had spent that time with Steven and Amethyst, painting the walls of Amethyst’s cavern, listening and dancing to an astonishing variety of music and reading Connie’s book, which was getting pretty riveting.  She proved to herself that what she had learned about shapeshifting still worked in the real world and, with Amethyst’s encouragement, started adding to her repertoire, trying to copy objects she saw in the hoard around her.  It seemed to be what Steven meant by a vacation. 

However, it soon transpired that Pearl had only been using the time to  _ plan _ .  On the third day, when Jasper was sitting in the living room with Amethyst and Steven was in the kitchen making chocolate chip pancakes, because he had just realised Jasper had never eaten anything chocolate and was horrified and had dedicated himself to fixing that as quickly as possible, Pearl appeared from within the temple with a purposeful gleam in her eye and some kind of little bag strapped around her waist. 

“ _ Good _ morning, everyone,” she said briskly. 

“Yo,” said Amethyst, who was lying upside down on the couch with her legs going up the back and her hair dangling on the floor.  

“Morning!” Steven carolled, whisking batter vigorously.  

“Good morning,” said Jasper, who was playing it safe.  She was having trouble relaxing on this couch because of its tendency to creak under her butt.  Having spent so much time lately in an environment created only by her mind she was having unexpected difficulty re-adjusting to some aspects of the real world.  Surfaces that couldn't quite take her weight, for example.  Human structures were flimsy like that.  One of the stools at the breakfast bar was permanently bent, despite her best efforts to straighten it out.  

“Jasper, I’ve given it a lot of thought and I’ve decided you would benefit from a program of positive reinforcement to help you adjust to life here,” Pearl said brightly.  

“I’m pretty sure I wouldn't, thanks.”

“Well, I’m telling you that you would.”  Pearl came over closer to her, steepling her fingers.  “What we found with Peridot is that there's quite a sharp adjustment to be made.  I’ve noticed in my observations of you over the past couple of days that you tend to be easily discouraged and rather negative in your reaction to difficulties so I want to encourage and reinforce more constructive habits.”

“I am  _ not _ negative,” Jasper said, stung, then amended it to, “Well, I’m not easily discouraged.”

“Steven tried to teach you to break an egg into the frying pan and you broke the yolk by accident and said that was just typical of your whole stinking life and then spent three quarters of an hour hiding in the bathroom.”

“That was nothing to do with the egg, I was learning to pee,” Jasper said triumphantly. 

“I don't wish to know that,” said Pearl.  “You agreed to do as I say without arguing.”

“You haven't  _ told  _ me to do something.”

Pearl pinched her lips together a moment and then said, “Jasper, I am telling you now.  You need to learn about life as we live it here, so you're going to follow me, observe what I do and help me as and when I tell you to do.”

Jasper pinched her own lips together.  That was certainly a clear and direct order.  “Yes,” she said. 

“Right,” said Pearl.  “And as I said, there will be positive reinforcement.  You see, I’ve devised this system for Steven and Connie.”

“Ohhhhh, the Pearl Points,” said Amethyst. 

“What?” Jasper asked suspiciously.  

“Well!”  Pearl produced a little paper booklet from the bag at her waist.  “You’ll earn Pearl Points for behaviours like Punctuality, Positivity and Perseverance.  We can think of others tailored to your goals.  You can trade the points for rewards when you have enough!  The idea is to keep your motivation going in spite of any setbacks along the way.”

She held out the booklet with a flourish and Jasper took it dubiously.  On the front cover was a glossy little sticker that looked like Pearl’s smiling face.  Above it was written  _ Pearl Points Logbook  _ and below it was  _ Jasper.   _ Pearl had quite nice handwriting.   Inside the pages were drawn up in a grid with little headings on the columns, Punctuality, Positivity and Perseverance for the first three and the rest left blank.  At the bottom of each column was the word  _ Reward! _  And in the top box of the Perseverance column was another sticker with a tiny note written beside it, “because you're here!”

She looked up from the little smiling sticker to see the matching hopeful smile on Pearl’s face.  This was stupid.  There was no way little bits of sticky paper were going to motivate her.  But there it was again, for a new person this time; the nagging unwillingness to disappoint Pearl.  She'd spent time on this.  It was strange and annoying but it was awfully kind.  

Besides, how bad could it be?  She could certainly show up on time, perseverance was built in and she could always fake the positivity.  

“Thank you,” she said.  “I’ll do my best.”

“And that's another point,” said Pearl, obviously thrilled to get to put a sticker on something right away.  She took the booklet back, whipped the sticker out of her little bag, popped it into the first box under Positivity and handed it back. 

“Thank you,” Jasper said again, with an attempt at a smile that she was pretty sure fell short of the mark. 

“Yeah,” said Amethyst, “but do you gotta start right now?  We were gonna have pancakes.”

“They're going in the pan!” Steven reported from the kitchen. 

“Far be it from me to stand in the way of pancakes.  I tell you what, Jasper, meet me up at the washing machine in half an hour.  I'm sure you’ll be punctual!” she added archly. 

“Right.  I’ll be there.”  Jasper looked again at the booklet as Pearl hopped up on the warp pad and disappeared.  “What have I let myself in for?” she wondered aloud. 

“Probably just fun!” said Steven, flipping a pancake.  

“You think?”

“Yeah, Pearl can be fun,” said Amethyst.  “She just needs to relax a little.  Not unlike you.”

“What does she mean about rewards?”

“Oh, they're just fun too,” Steven said.  “Little — no, I’ll let it be a surprise.  Who wants first pancake?”

“Meeeeeee,” said Amethyst, “but as a gesture of sisterhood I’ll let Jasper have it.”

The pancake was flat and round and golden brown with dark brown specks in it and uneven creamy-coloured edges.  It was warm and soft and kind of fluffy in the mouth, and powerfully sweet, a softer sweetness in the cakey part and a richer darker kind in the chips, which were also melting so they  each released a little flood of sticky-hot-sweet as they burst under pressure.  It was sort of incredible.  Steven pulled out his phone and took a picture of her face.  

“Stop doing that, it's embarrassing.”

“But you have the cutest reaction faces  _ ever.”  _  He turned the phone round to show her the screen.  

“I just look pop-eyed,” she complained.  Amethyst looked over her shoulder and snickered.  

“Can I show Connie, though?”

“Okay, fine, show Connie.  You can only do this for so long, soon I’ll have tasted everything.”

“I  _ love _ when she says stuff like that,” Steven said to Amethyst with glee.  

 

She went to meet Pearl on time, or just before it to be on the safe side.  Of course she  _ could  _ have stepped onto the warp pad and shot off to any other working pad on the planet and disappeared into the wilderness; there was nothing practical to stop her.  Just her affection for Amethyst and Steven, which turned out to be a chain stronger than the one she'd made herself out of fear and self-loathing.  She was still disgusted with herself, but it would only upset them to know that.  At least she could love  _ them.   _

She'd been up here once before when Steven and Amethyst gave her the tour.  On the outstretched hand of the huge stone fusion —  _ there _ was a defiant statement of what they got up to here — was a small warp pad and next to it, two box-shaped machines used to wash and dry the clothes and linens that Steven apparently soiled by his mere existence.  He didn't look or smell that dirty to her, but maybe that was only because they kept washing things.  

It had been strange enough getting used to the idea that his clothes came  _ off _ and weren't part of his physical form.  Well, technically she  _ could _ have taken her own clothes off but they wouldn't have lasted long separated from her body before they dissipated.  No point in washing them.  And  _ that _ was an old-fashioned feature that marked her as one of the last Era Ones, before all the energy conservation measures.  She'd seen Era Two Jaspers and fought a few of them in the arena and they did not impress her.   No sense of style and a general lack of stamina.  They were  _ strong _ all right but she could beat any of them by taking the punches and waiting for them to get tired and slow, so their defence was sloppy, before she rose up grinning and delivered a final decisive hammer blow, the move the crowd had been waiting to see, the one that made them all scream her name.  

_ Why do I even think about that now?  I'm never going to do it again.  That whole chunk of my life is worthless.  And why isn't Pearl here?  Is this some sort of trick? _

Pearl arrived just as she was glaring around for signs of an ambush or trap.  “Excellent!” she said.  “You're even early.  Logbook, please.”

Jasper held out the book, feeling faintly absurd, and received her Punctuality sticker.  It was just silly if Pearl was going to give her points for practically nothing.  

“Right,” Pearl said, zipping up her bag.  “Today I thought we’d focus on some of the work that goes into taking care of Steven.  He does some of it himself, of course — thankfully he stayed with Greg through the period before he could take care of his own, um, bathroom requirements — but it's still useful to know.  Let's get started!”

It was domestic work, which made perfect sense for a Pearl; even if they didn't normally deal with dirty clothes they were always cleaning and organising and tidying up.  Jasper tried to point out that this was absolutely not what  _ she _ was made for, and Pearl just said, “Challenge yourself.”

It wasn't a matter of challenging herself, Jasper thought.  Any fool could separate things by colour and measure out soap powder and put them all in a machine.  The controls confused her a little because she wasn't sure what they meant about delicates or heavy duty but Pearl sorted all that out and it was done, or at least under way.  Water started sloshing in from somewhere.  

“There!” Pearl said, dusting soap powder off her hands.  And then there it wasn't, because the back of the machine made a noise in between a sizzle and a thump and there was suddenly a bad smell, like something chemical burning, and some thick, sickly smoke.  “Oh,  _ drat _ ,” said Pearl, and shut off the machine.  “This again.  Come with me, Jasper, I’ll show you where I keep the toolbox.”

Then the work got a lot less domestic, because Pearl fetched up a very large and, as far as Jasper could judge, well-equipped toolbox (a very full one, anyway) and disconnected the machine and drained it and took the back off it, all while briskly telling Jasper to hold things and hand her other things and to make sure she didn't lose any of these screws.  She crouched awkwardly but rummaged around in the machine’s innards in a very efficient, confident-looking way and pulled out a burnt part, which stank, and replaced it with a fresh one which, she explained, she had bought just in case the last time this happened and there, it was worth it.  

“But it won't be worth it to keep repairing it for much longer,” she said, fastidiously wiping burnt crud off her long pale fingers with a clean rag.  “I’ll have to speak to Greg about a replacement.  At least this time money will be no object.  Do you still have those screws?”

“Yes!”  She'd been watching so intently that she was startled to be spoken to. 

“Good.”  There didn't seem to be a sticker for that, maybe because holding screws didn't begin with a P.   Pearl put everything back together and reconnected the machine and started it up again, and turned to Jasper and beamed, looking proud of herself.  After a moment her smile faded.  “What?”

“I’ve just never seen a Pearl do something like that.”

“Well, you could look impressed instead of disgusted.”

“I  _ am _ impressed.”  Clearly Pearl was not a fan of her reaction faces.  She must have slipped into the one Amethyst called an offended squint.  “It just — it didn't come out right.”  

“Well, prepare a better face for the next time I impress you,” Pearl said.  “That one left a lot to be desired.  Now, while the wash cycle runs we’re going to clean downstairs.”

It was just so degrading, and she had to do it with Amethyst lounging on the couch and grinning.  “You could help, you know,” Jasper pointed out.  

“And deprive you of this fantabulous learning opportunity?  Nah.”

“Less talking and more vacuuming,” Pearl called out from the kitchen.  She had taken the oven door apart to clean out the greasy crud between the two panes of glass in its window, which was apparently something deeply satisfying that she liked to do six-monthly.  Jasper stuck her tongue out at Amethyst and resumed rolling the vacuum cleaner over the floor the way Pearl had showed her.  It sucked up a sock and stopped working. 

“What's wrong with it?” she hissed to Amethyst.  

“Iunno, ask Pearl.”

So she had to admit ignorance and incompetence to a Pearl, and it was completely unfair because she should never have been required to do this type of work in the first place.  “Pearl?” she said with deep reluctance.  “Something is wrong with the cleaner.”

She thought there should be a Patience column in the logbook; she would have filled it by the end of the first day if there were any justice, but the problem with the fits you didn't throw was that no one else knew you hadn't thrown them.  She had also learned how to thoroughly clean a bathroom, hang wet laundry on a clothesline and fold teeshirts and towels in the manner Pearl considered optimal.  When Pearl finally told her she'd done well and had the rest of the day to herself she had to go into Amethyst’s room, stick her head inside an old water tank and roar.  It reverberated in an incredibly satisfying way that made her head ring.  

The next day was water blasting the roof of the house clean, because apparently Pearl had always wanted to but had never had a compliant victim to help her do it before.  Jasper wondered why she hadn't enlisted Lapis Lazuli (which would also have meant she didn't need to hire a water blaster) but then, it was difficult to imagine Lapis doing anything for someone else that wasn't basically what she had been wanting to do anyway.  Pearl went off to get the water blaster by herself, because Jasper wasn't supposed to go anywhere she might meet humans until she'd proved herself a bit more, even though when she came back with it, it was obviously unwieldy and difficult for her to move and moving heavy objects was one form of labour that Jasper  _ didn't  _ find demeaning.  She'd generally avoided humans even when she was out on her own; they had nothing she wanted and if they saw her tended to run away yelling things like “sasquatch” or “migou” anyway.  

At least she still got to spend time with Amethyst and Steven.  They could even still go into dreams together, since she turned out to be good at sleeping.  They returned to her mind-Kindergarten just to make sure it was all still there.  She’d had a strange feeling that it might look as if a long time had passed, with the flowers and names weathered off the walls, but it looked exactly as she'd left it.  The things that leaked in from Steven's own dreams, like the butterfly infestation and the creepy warm river, had always dissipated when he left.  They weren't sure why that should be different from the objects he’d dreamed up as gifts for her, other than intent.  

“Have you thought about maybe going back to the real one again?” Steven asked.  They had clambered up to the top of the canyon wall with Jasper giving a lot of boosts and pull-ups to the two shorties, and were looking down into it. 

“Thought about it, but I’d need  _ Pearl’s  _ say-so,” Jasper said.  

“She might say yes,” Amethyst said with a shrug. 

“I don't want to ask her for things.  I’d rather wait till I serve out this probation thing, however long that takes, and then do things on my own say-so.”  She picked up a pebble and successfully threw it right across the canyon to land on the other side.  It landed with a little plume of sand.  “If I do go back,” she said, and bent to choose another pebble. 

“Yeah?” said Amethyst. 

“I’d need a lot of paint,” said Jasper, throwing the pebble.  It went further than the first one.  “I’d want to do what I did here.  Not the flowers, the names.  Just as… I don't know.  It feels right to say they were there.”

“You're all right, Jasper,” said Amethyst.  

“What do you mean?”

“I just feel pretty proud of you sometimes, that's all.”

“One failure remembering a bunch of other failures, that's all.  I just took longer to fall over.”  She picked another pebble and got it a bit further again.  

“Come on,” said Steven.  “Is that fair?  To them or you?”

“It doesn't matter.”

“It matters to me.  Are you feeling okay?”

“Why do I have to do what  _ Pearl _ says?” Jasper burst out.  “At least it could have been Garnet.  Instead they picked the one who’d rub it in all the time, that I was so desperate to make terms that I’d agree to obey someone who couldn't do a damn thing to me!”

“How do you mean rub it in?  Did she say something?”

“Well, not rub it in, just always remind me.  That  _ I  _ agreed to this.  That I can't even complain about it.”

“Didn't let that stop ya,” said Amethyst cheerfully.  “How’re those Pearl Points coming along?”

“She keeps being  _ nice _ to me!  Like she doesn't know she's meant to be a punishment!  She wrote in Posture in one of the columns because she said she thought I should get credit for that!  I get a frickin’ sticker for it every day!”

“Why do you think she's meant to be a punishment?” Steven asked.  

“Because I deserve it!”  There was a much bigger rock just beside them.  She picked it up in both arms and heaved it out over the canyon with a grunt.  It arched up nicely and then dropped like, well, a rock, and went  _ thud  _ on the sandy floor.  “You’d think in my dream world I could have made that work.”

“You do know you’re being kind of a butthead about Pearl, right?” Amethyst asked. 

“Ugh.”  Jasper scuffed her feet in the sand. 

“Like she’s beneath you.”

“She's not — look, as a Pearl, she's impressive, all right?  She really can do all sorts of technical things I wouldn't have expected.  She's not defective, she's smart, and look, I  _ said _ she's nice.  Heck, she's cute too, you like calling people cute, right?  But I  _ cannot _ be comfortable being subordinate to her.  I’ll put up with it, I’ll do my best, and I can't wait for it to be over.”  She sat down heavily.  “What am I supposed to be  _ learning  _ from her, anyway?  I know I don't know what to do with my life but I can rule out laundry and cleaning toilets right now.”

“Being able to rule things out is a start,” said Steven.  “Plus it's kind of a thing in martial arts movies that when the pupil starts the master has them doing all kinds of menial things they don't see the point of, and then it turns out they’ve been unwittingly developing skills all along that come in handy later!”

“The ancient art of Shaolin toilet cleaning,” said Amethyst.  

“So if you keep hanging in there, maybe you’ll see the point later on.”

“I don't think there is a point,” Jasper said glumly.  “I think Pearl just genuinely thinks cleaning things is fun.”

“There's that too.”

 

Jasper was sitting on the living room floor flipping through her logbook and idly wondering what sort of rewards Pearl gave out, because she was one sticker each away from filling up her first column of Perseverance and Punctuality (the Positivity column was a lot lighter but she couldn't be equally good at  _ everything),  _ when the door opened and Connie came scurrying in with Rose Quartz’s sword slung on her back. 

“It's getting really cold out!” she reported breathlessly.  “Hi, Jasper.”

“Oh, hi.”  She told herself  _ not _ to stare at the sword.  None of that was Connie’s fault, and anyway she had something more interesting to talk to her about.  “I finished reading  _ The Unfamiliar Familiar!” _

“Oh my gosh!  What did you think?  Wait, let me put my stuff down.”  Connie laid the sword carefully on the floor and dumped down her bag before dropping down to sit next to Jasper.  “Well?”

“That ending was amazing!  I thought I knew what was coming, what would  _ have _ to happen, and then it  _ did _ happen but not how I was expecting at all and that whole new thing with Zebulon came out of it, like of  _ course  _ he did but I never realised — did that part take you by surprise too?”

“Yes!  But then afterward I could trace exactly how it had built up and I wasn't even mad about the bait and switch, I was just impressed!”

“And the poem was the key to the whole thing!  That was so  _ satisfying! _ ”

“I’m so, so glad!”  Connie exclaimed.  “I mean I have to admit, I do think reaction to  _ The Unfamiliar Familiar _ is a pretty solid kindred-spirit test.”

“Can I borrow the next one?”

“Of course you can, doesn't Steven still have it?”

“Well, yes, but it's  _ yours.” _

“Borrow and read with my blessing, then tell me all about it.  I have so many books I want to recommend — but I’ll hold back because I don't want to overwhelm you.”

“Thanks.  Um, what brings you here today?”

“Sword practice with Pearl and Steven.  I bet you can watch if you ask.”

“I… don't like to ask Pearl for things.  I don't like feeling so dependent on her.”

“Then I’ll ask, if you want.   _ I’d  _ really like you to see.”

 

Steven had high hopes when Jasper came up to the arena to watch the lesson at Connie's invitation.  She was looking sort of mulish and rubbing her arm the way she did when she was uncomfortable, a habit he thought she'd picked up from Amethyst, but once he saw how seriously Pearl trained them she was sure to be impressed.  Maybe she'd even want to join in.  

“What happened here?” was the first thing she said, looking around.  

“Steven and Amethyst,” said Pearl with a little grimace.  “Oh, but before that us, of course.  And a large chunk did just fall off the side one day a couple of thousand years ago.  There must have been a gradually spreading crack that finally got big enough to break.” 

Jasper was staring at the four-diamond emblem up on the wall, with the pink diamond broken.  The symbolism was a little on the nose, Steven thought.  He reached up and touched her hand.  “You okay?”

She looked down at him, startled, as if her thoughts had been a long way away.  “I am, yes.  I haven't seen the proper crest in such a long time.  It's sad to see it like that but it's also nice just to  _ see _ it, you know?”

She sat on the big stone bleachers through their warmups.  They stretched and bounced and ran back and forth with Pearl exhorting them and putting Points up on the board as they earned them.  Jasper didn't seem impressed yet, but then these  _ were  _ just warmups and the cool stuff was yet to come.  Connie passed a Points milestone and claimed her prize from the Pearl Pouch lucky dip, a superball that looked like an egg.  Jasper snorted, although Steven wasn't sure Pearl and Connie heard.  

“Today we’ll concentrate on co-operative fighting rather than fused,” said Pearl.  “There are  many situations where two fighters with a shared plan are more effective than one, even a stronger one, so for today, forming Stevonnie is cheating.”  Everyone heard Jasper snort that time.  “Yes, thank you Jasper, we know you have Views.”

She called up a string of Holopearls and set Connie and Steven to learning to outmanoeuvre them.  Connie tended to take the lead, shouting instructions to Steven, and together they took out half the Holopearls before they got themselves surrounded, back to back, circling and fending them off with sword and shield.  

“Down, Steven,” cried Connie, and as he bent over she vaulted off his back and flipped over the Holopearls’ heads, spinning in the air to catch two of them with a stroke of her sword before she landed.  Steven was so enchanted watching her that he almost got chopped in the shoulder by another, moving his shield just in time.  He rushed back to join Connie and defended her back as she took out the remaining three.  They stood panting a moment and then exchanged a victory high-five.  

“Very well done, both of you,” said Pearl, applauding.  

“They got boxed in,” Jasper objected.  “Big mistake.”

“Yes, but then they broke free.  Learning to correct your mistakes is as important as learning to do things correctly in the first place.  Now Connie, you improvised well.  I’ll teach you another strategy for that situation.”

She demonstrated and got them to try it, then introduced a variation with the number of opponents.  After that they were both sweaty and breathless and she let them take a break for water and orange slices.  

“Orange slice, Jasper?” she asked, offering the plate.  

“You don't have to be sarcastic, I know I haven't earned one.”

“Instead of sitting here with a face like thunder you could participate.”

“None of this would work in a real fight anyway,” Jasper snorted.  “It's all fancy footwork and no power.  Steven’s strength is wasted and Connie gives away everything they're going to do by yelling.”

“I’ve had about enough of this,” Pearl said, putting her hands on her hips.  “Shall we  _ show _ them a real fight, then?”

“Oh, come on, I still have some self-respect.  Beating  _ you _ into the ground is not my idea of fun.”

“I challenge you.”

“Pearl,” Steven tried to say, but Jasper was standing up, unfolding to her full height, looking down at Pearl and rocking her head from side to side to crack her neck.  

“Don't forget,” she said with a menacing grin, “you literally asked for it.”

“Get moving,” said Pearl, drawing her spear from her forehead and gesturing with it to the middle of the arena floor. 

“Oh man,” Steven moaned, “I didn't think it'd go off this soon.”  He and Amethyst had agreed it was possible Jasper would get herself into a physical altercation with the Crystal Gems, and if that happened they would break it up, but he hadn't expected it to happen with Pearl alone and Amethyst wasn't even here.  

“It's okay,” Connie said, patting his arm.  “Pearl wouldn't start this if she thought she was hopelessly outmatched.  Plus she can call a  _ lot _ of reinforcements.”

“Oh yeah.”  Jasper would probably have some choice things to say about getting Holopearls to gang up on her but it allayed his fears.  He took a swig of water as the two Gems turned to face each other.  Pearl was moving in a slow arc, side-stepping, lifting her feet high, one arm holding her spear and the other arched out gracefully as a counterbalance.  Jasper just stood there grinning and cracking her knuckles.  

“You're not ready for this,” she said, summoning her helmet.  She’d opened her mouth ready to say something else — probably an insult, her strategy of demoralising — when Pearl suddenly spoke up. 

“Have you fought a Pearl before?” she asked, quite mildly. 

“Of course not,” Jasper said scornfully.  

“Hmm,” said Pearl sweetly, tipping her head on one side.  “But I’ve fought Jaspers.”  And then she moved like a flash. 

Afterwards when they tried to describe it, Connie said it was like watching a bull try to fight a wasp.  Jasper fought  _ well _ but she was plainly never sure where Pearl was from one second to the next.  If she used a spin dash, Pearl was never there for her to collide with (and she almost fell out of the arena twice).  When she tried to grab Pearl and pull her within range of her fists and her head Pearl arched and twirled and skipped out of the way.  And just to add insult to injury Pearl kept getting behind her and pricking her on the butt with the point of her spear.  

“Stop  _ doing  _ that!” Jasper bellowed, swinging wildly.  

“Make me,” Pearl retorted, running up the side of a column, flipping into the air and doing a handspring off the top of Jasper's head.  

“Oh, she's just being  _ mean _ now,” Connie said, giggling. 

Finally Jasper made a last stumbling charge and Pearl simply tripped her, whisking her feet out from under her with a swift stroke from behind and to one side of where Jasper was aiming.  Jasper went up in the air and landed like a ton of bricks, cracking the back of her head on the pavement.  It must have stunned her or knocked the wind out of her for a second, and when her eyes opened and she sucked in a breath she found a blue-slippered foot planted on her neck and a glistening blade just under her nose.  

There was a hushed pause broken only by two sets of heavy, ragged breathing.   Pearl had looked effortless while she was on the move but now she was blue in the face and panting.  

“I give,” Jasper said in a small voice, her helmet vanishing and her eyes very wide.  

“Now  _ that _ is the face I want to see when I impress you,” said Pearl.  She stepped back and offered her hand to Jasper to help her up.  For a second Steven was afraid Jasper would take advantage of that to pull Pearl into a crushing bear hug or something but she took it meekly and sat up (it was only a polite gesture anyway; Pearl couldn't have pulled Jasper up for nuts).

Connie whooped, clapping her hands over her head, and Steven hollered “Go Pearl!”  Pearl laughed and wiped her forehead and curtsied to them both as they ran to her with a towel and a bottle of water.  

“Oh, thank you — no thank you, Connie, I don’t — well, a little to splash on my face would be refreshing.”  She was all giggly and goosey now and accepted hugs gladly.  

Steven turned to Jasper, who was still sitting and rubbing the back of her head. 

“Are you okay?” he asked her, afraid they were in for furious sulking or even a round of face-down despair.  

“Fine,” she said, and pointed to her head.   _ “This  _ is why I wear a helmet.”  She grinned at him, to his great surprise.  Suddenly she rolled up to her feet and hurried over to Pearl.  “That was  _ amazing!”  _ she roared.  “I  _ completely  _ underestimated you.  Did you  _ see _ that, Connie?    _ That _ is how you fight a bigger opponent.   Did you notice how she had my blind spots all figured out in a few seconds?”

“Oh well, I realised you must have pretty poor peripheral vision in that helmet,” Pearl said modestly.  

Jasper couldn't stop pointing out every clever thing Pearl had done to beat her, or as she gleefully put it, “kicked my  _ ass.” _  She had just about exhausted the subject when they went back down to the house, but Amethyst was there so she started again from the beginning, and re-enacted parts of it in mime, and then Garnet came home and Jasper, who didn't usually talk to or even look much at Garnet unless she had to, rushed up to give her the full play-by-play.  Garnet must not have looked as impressed as Jasper expected, because she thought she must not have understood the full scope of the awesomeness and started again with diagrams.  

By that time Pearl was quite embarrassed and discounting everything she could.  “I took completely unfair advantage of the fact I know that arena like the back of my hand, so I could use all the terrain to my advantage,” she said.  “And I  _ do _ have a lot of experience of opponents like you and you had none of any like me.  I'm sure a rematch wouldn't go that way.”

“Well, obviously,” Jasper said cheerfully, “but that doesn't take anything away from how you pulled it off this time!”  She went off to try to show Garnet a bruise shaped like South America that had come up on her hip.  

“I don't understand,” Pearl whispered to Steven when they were alone.  “I’ve never seen anyone so pleased to be beaten.  How hard do you think she hit her head?”

“Jasper has this thing about how you can only give someone orders if you can beat them in a fight,” he whispered back.  “The whole thing with you coaching her was making her feel humiliated but now I think she feels better about it!”

“Oh for goodness’ sake,” Pearl said, rolling her eyes.  “Jasper takes that whole Quartz warrior ethos so seriously she's almost a parody.  A commander doesn't have to literally defeat everyone under her.  They’d never get anything done.”

“I know, but if it makes her happy…”  He shrugged.  

“Well, it  _ is  _ nice to see her smile,” Pearl said.  “I was starting to envy you and Amethyst for that.  I thought I'd never get one, not a real, spontaneous one.  And to think, all I had to do was rough her up a little.”

 

Pearl continued to feel baffled but cautiously pleased by the change in Jasper.  Before she had just co-operated dutifully and done as she was told, no more and no less; now she was actually eager to please and tried to anticipate what Pearl would want her to do next.  She wasn't exactly a ray of sunshine, because she was still grumpy about doing work to which she felt ill suited, but her attitude to Pearl as distinct from the work had brightened right up.  

Pearl was beginning to see what Steven and Amethyst found likeable about her.  Until now the most admirable things she'd been able to see about Jasper were her diligence, her endurance and her tremendous physical strength.  You could say she looked good but the undeniable beauty was undermined by the sullen expression.  When her face was lit by enthusiasm it was… well, it lit up.  Somewhere behind the habitual front of aggression and callousness was someone just getting excited about the possibilities of life. 

One afternoon, halfway through folding a heap of clean red teeshirts, Jasper sighed and laid the shirt she'd just folded on the finished pile and said, “I may be spoiling the whole Shaolin master plan, but  _ is _ there any secret point to all this stuff you have me do?  And is this seriously how you spend your whole life?  Someone like you?”

That was new, the way Jasper would say “someone like you” and mean something positive by it.  On one hand it would have been nice if she'd seen Pearl in that light from the beginning, and Pearl suspected she had only decided to make an exception in her case and would be just as patronising and dismissive of any other Pearl she met.  On the other hand, the exception was a start.  

“I’m not sure what you mean about Shaolin,” she said, “but… well, there is a point to doing all this, beyond the obvious, immediate household purposes, that I’ve hoped you’ll see in time.”

“So Steven is maybe half right,” Jasper said thoughtfully, picking up another shirt and shaking it out.  “I’ll have to think about that.”

“Some of it  _ is _ just opportunistic,” Pearl confessed, “because you're conveniently tall.  Standing on your shoulders was a  _ much _ better way to dust the rafters than moving a ladder around.”

“Can you offer me a clue?” Jasper asked.  

“Think about the differences between you and me, and the similarities.”

“Hmm.”  She was quiet for a while, steadily folding, frowning in thought.  With time and familiarity you could spot the difference between Jasper’s thoughtful frown and her merely grumpy one.  “Do you mind if I think aloud?”

“Feel free.  We can play hot-and-cold.”

“What’s that?”

“I say you're getting warmer when you’re getting nearer the right answer, or colder if you're on the wrong track.”

“Okay.  Starting with differences, because those are obvious and easy, I’m big, you're small, I’m Jasper, you're Pearl, I’m from Earth but have spent more time on Homeworld.  You're probably the opposite unless you're much older than I think.”

“I was about four hundred when I was brought here, so that's close enough.”

“I was made to fight and you were made to serve.  Um… I have long hair and yours is short.  I like eating and drinking, you don't.  You generate your own weapon and apart from my helmet I have to use material ones.  How are you doing that, by the way?  No one would design a Pearl to have a weapon, would they?”

“They would not.  I’ve spent a very long time developing that ability, believe me.  It was only supposed to be used to generate tools for my work.  I was material weapons only for quite a while — you can't fight a war armed with a letter opener.”  She paused, wondering whether to share this.  She hadn't talked about it in so long, hadn't really thought about it.  It had long since faded into irrelevance and she liked it that way.  But it might help Jasper understand.  “But you can, for example, stab your former owner and run away in terror of the consequences before the smoke clears.”

“What did she  _ do  _ to you?” Jasper asked, her eyebrows rising. 

This was a big part of why she’d stopped talking about it, of course.  People expected, even seemed to  _ want _ to hear of something terrible inflicted on her to justify her actions.  Or to make the story more satisfying somehow.  If something like that  _ had  _ happened to her, what did they think it was like for her to have to keep describing it?  She wasn't about to. 

“She did one of the worst possible things.  She owned me.  She considered it her right to own me and what I thought or felt about it didn't matter.  Everything else comes from that.  She didn't  _ need  _ to be especially cruel or demanding for it to become unbearable.”

Jasper looked away, her lips moving briefly as if she considered and discarded a response.  “Why do you think,” she asked very carefully,  _ “most _ Pearls don't do that?”

“Prudence.  Habitual obedience.  Fear.  Not just fear of how you would be punished if you were caught, but fear of the huge unimaginable unknown of what you would do and how you would live if you  _ weren't  _ caught.”

_ “Oh,”  _ said Jasper, surprising her.  “That I get.”

“That was the fear that paralysed me and almost stopped me making my escape.  I had got as far as the riverbank below the compound and I couldn't go any farther.  I was in a blind panic and the fear of what I was running towards was starting to feel worse than the fear of what I was running from.  I crawled into a little space between some rocks and sat there trying desperately to calm down and think of something.    I knew I'd never come up with anything, I was only a Pearl, I’d never made any decision for myself before that night and look what  _ that  _ had led to.  I might have sat there all night until someone found me in the morning except that I saw Rose.  She was making her way down to the river and she was  _ sneaking.   _ I’d never seen a Quartz sneak.  It was so strange it sort of suspended my panic while I tried to understand it.  She was still in her uniform then, she could have been striding along and no one would have questioned her, but she didn't want to be seen.  And then I just knew, even though it seemed impossible, that she was like me.  She was a runaway.  I crept out and went over to her — quite silently, I was very well trained in being silent — and whispered, ‘I won’t tell anyone I saw you,  _ please _ can I come with you?’”  Pearl couldn't help laughing at the memory.  “She nearly poofed from fright when I just popped out of nowhere, but she said yes.  We stole away across the river and into the forest and we hid among the bushes and I told her what had happened, and she took my hands between both of hers, and they stopped shaking, and she said, ‘Pearl, it must be fate that we met tonight.’”  

She wanted to go on to describe how Rose’s eyes had shone when she said that, and how they'd gone deeper into the forest with Rose sheltering her from every clawing vine and slapping branch, and they had waited out the day in the hiding place Rose had prepared (because this once Pearl had acted on impulse and Rose had made a careful plan).  There was really just room for one, so they had to curl up close together, and she would have fallen in love anyway but the proximity as they talked all day hadn't hurt.  On the other hand, she had seen how Jasper’s face had clouded when she mentioned Rose and she'd probably said enough about that.  She didn't want to lose her audience getting carried away.  “So you're right,” she concluded, “nobody  _ would  _ design a Pearl to have a weapon.  Now what other differences can you think of?”

“Um,” said Jasper.  “I just got a family and you’ve been part of one for a long time.”

“That's true-ish.  We didn't think of ourselves as a family until Steven started talking about us in those terms, even back when we found Amethyst and Rose was excited to think we could raise her like a human child.  It was complicated.  Go on.”

Jasper sat thinking with a shirt forgotten in her lap.  Eventually she said, “This is a same-but-different thing.  For both of us Rose Quartz is someone who changed the course of our lives.  It's just for you that's a happy memory and for me it's anything but.”  She apparently shook off that thought and started folding again.  “I’m starting on similarities now.  We love some of the same people.  There's Amethyst and Steven and Connie’s a friend in common.  We're both veterans.  We both think spiders are disgusting.”   That had been an unexpected bonding moment out of the rafter-cleaning, once the squawking and bellows of “Get it out of my hair!” and “Kill it!  No, stun it!” were over.  Pearl had trapped it under a glass with a postcard and Jasper had put it out the front door and they had shaken hands on a job well done. 

“All true,” said Pearl, “but so far you’re really just room temperature, not getting hotter or colder.”

“Hmm.  I do need to think what any of this could have to do with the jobs we’ve been doing.  I mean, allowing for the fact you’re looking after a boy instead of an elite Gem, it's all pretty standard Pearly stuff.”  She paused, narrowing her eyes, and said, “But you are  _ not  _ a standard Pearl.”

“Getting warmer.”

Jasper drummed her fingers hard on her knee.  “You went from doing what was expected of you to doing the  _ last _ thing anyone would have expected of you, and you actually got  _ good _ at it.”

“Warmer still.”

“You must have been terrified doing that.  You must have kept thinking ‘I must be crazy.  This isn't what I was made for at all.’”

“Yes.”

“But you kept going and here you are now and you're this amazing weird mixture of — not servant now, what would you call it?”

“Caregiver?” Pearl suggested. 

“Caregiver and warrior.  Oh, for — you're telling me I can do the same thing, just starting from the other end.”

“Red hot,” said Pearl happily.  

“Oh, that's so…”  Jasper covered her eyes, shaking her head ruefully.  “Okay, point taken.”

“You don't have to take it if you don't like it.  I just think — well, I’ve been wanting you to discover the satisfaction of caring and protecting.”

“Not protecting people from much except spiders.  Amethyst is going to laaaaugh at me.”

“Your embarrassment still seems to be rooted in not respecting what I do,” Pearl pointed out. 

“Oh, no, I mean she’ll laugh at me for being slow.  No disrespect intended.  Sorry it sounded that way.”  She shook her head and slapped the folded shirt onto the pile.  

“And to go right back to your earlier question, this isn't all I do by a long shot, but I’ve been concentrating on it with you.”

“Right, so I’ve only been seeing half the picture.  Once again, Jasper gets the wrong end of the stick.  Well, thanks for spelling it out in the end.”

“I don't mean I expect you to follow a path like mine.  I just wanted to give you an example of what's possible.  Garnet gave me a lot of encouragement on this.  She likes to claim  _ I  _ inspired her when she was new.  And you're not  _ new _ but in some ways you're starting over.  Reinventing yourself, as the humans say.”

“Which I used to believe was one of the worst, most disloyal, most selfish, most stupid and pointless things anyone could try to do.  I made life a lot easier for myself when I believed in a lot of reasons why I was automatically better than other people.  I can't just believe any more because it just doesn't match the evidence.  There's only so long you can keep saying ‘but that's just an aberration’ before you start to feel stupid.”

“I still sometimes think I must be crazy, and yet here I am.”  Pearl folded the last shirt and put it on the pile.  “There's something else about that.  We have certain natural talents built into us.  Doing anything counter to that design can be very difficult.  When you  _ feel _ how much more difficult it is to do something at which you weren't designed to excel, it feels  _ wrong,  _ doesn't it?”

“That's what I’ve been trying to  _ tell _ you,” said Jasper, looking as if she wasn't sure whether to be relieved that Pearl understood or exasperated that she had understood all along and said so only now. 

“That's another way you and I are alike.  We  _ like _ being excellent.  We want a safe bet.  We're perfectionists, and if we can't be perfect we don't want to try.  I had to be in… quite an extreme situation to fight that reluctance down and aspire to  _ competence.” _

“You are a lot more than competent,” Jasper said, “if we're still talking about your fighting.”

“I know, but I had to work far harder for it than you would have.  I don't say that to belittle how hard you  _ have _ worked, because that has been extraordinary, but you can see what I mean, can't you?”

Jasper gave a kind of reluctant smile.  “Well, look at the stuff you folded and the stuff I did.  Think I worked harder?”  The pile showed alternating strata of Pearl’s neatly folded shirts, each lying flat with the yellow star centred and uppermost, and Jasper's, which were folded in just the same way but weren't quite as flat, quite as square; sometimes the stars were off centre. 

“You're still getting better.”

“Yeah.  A little.  There isn't that much motive to really nail it, not like working on my shapeshifting.” 

“I would be proud of you.”

“Oh, so can I head up a column ‘Pearl is Proud?’  Get stickers for it?”

“No, making me proud is its own reward.”

“Well, it's no plastic princess tiara.”  That had been Jasper's first draw from the Pearl Prize Pouch; they had both found going through the ceremony a touch embarrassing, Pearl thought, but Steven had been excited about it.  Jasper had appeared baffled and a little offended by the tiara and needed princesses explained to her, after which she wore it at a rakish angle for the rest of the day.  Pearl wasn't sure what had become of it.  Knowing Amethyst’s influence on Jasper, she might have eaten it.  

“Play your cards right and there could be another tiara in your future,” Pearl said airily.  “But for now, why don't you take a little break?  I’ll put these away.”

 

Jasper returned to Amethyst’s room feeling disarranged, somehow.  Amethyst was lying curled up in a kettle drum Jasper had accidentally killed and stuffed with cushions in remorse, reading a dog-eared comic book.  “Yo,” she said, raising one foot in casual greeting.  “Pearl give you recess?”

“I feel  _ weird  _ about Pearl.  Not like before, new weirdness.”  Jasper sat down and put her chin on the edge of the drum.  “What's that?” she asked, meaning the comic. 

“Hawkeye,” said Amethyst.  “I like him ‘cause he's mostly purple and kind of a mess.   What's your  _ new  _ weirdness?”

“I guess it's been accumulating,” Jasper admitted.  “It feels like…. once when I was in the snow I needed to cross this frozen river.  Really still and white and pretty on top.  I fell through the ice and into the current underneath and it was a  _ whole  _ different story.  I must have hit half a dozen rocks before I worked out which way up I was and punched my way out.  The situation with Pearl’s like the top of that river.  We act nice to each other.  It looks nice, it feels nice.  We're getting on really well.  She's started telling me personal stuff about her.  Today it was about how she met Rose and it was like being half in, half out of a hole in the ice.  I kept on being nice because I don't want to ruin things but I just thought, what are we doing here?  How are we acting like friends when the person you built your life on killed the person  _ I  _ built my life on?”

“Eesh,” said Amethyst sympathetically.  

“How do I even like her?  Because I know I do.  But she helped do things that ruined my life.  Do I just say, oh well it wasn't personal?”

“If that helps?  I guess?  Because if we can't find ways round all that history, how’re any of us gonna be friends?”

“I don't know if I'm mad at her or  _ should  _ be mad at her or even have a  _ right  _ to be mad at her.  I suppose it's all easier for you with Peridot because she doesn't have all that history.”  Jasper tilted her head to rest on her cheek, hoping Amethyst would realise she needed her hair patted without her having to say it.  She  _ would  _ say it if it didn't happen soon but the wordless recognition felt so nice.  There it was, comfort pats, and Amethyst tucked her hair back behind her ear which for some reason was extra comforting.  “Have you told her about me yet?”

“Still figuring out how.”  Amethyst kept patting her hair, smoothing it down.  

“It’d be a nice change to meet up with someone I  _ don't _ need to apologise to.  Wait, crap, do I?”

“I dunno, did you ever do anything mean to her?”

“I don't  _ think _ so.  I always thought we had a decent working relationship, for what it was.  Has she  _ said _ I did?”

“She said you made her rate capes.”

“She was really bratty about that.  It was an important event for me!  Or it could've been, I wasn't sure then.”  Jasper felt a too-familiar discomfort down in her belly, probably unrelated to the deer salt lick Amethyst had dared her to eat.  “Does Peridot hate me?”

“Naw, she doesn't hate you.  I have to be honest, she doesn't  _ like _ you either.  I think she can take or leave you.”

“What, she doesn't  _ care?” _  At least she could understand why someone would hate her; why should Peridot be  _ indifferent?  _

“Doesn't mean she couldn't  _ get _ to like you, she just doesn't like you  _ yet.” _

The discomfort got stronger.  “Do you think Lapis has told her things about me?”

Amethyst held up both her hands.  “Whoa there. I don't know what those two talk about when I'm not there and I'm not going down that rabbit hole.  Maybe she has, maybe she hasn't.  Maybe she even says ‘I feel bad about how I treated Jasper, I wish I could tell her I’m sorry.’  Could be literally anything.”

“Or they don't talk about me because I don't mean anything to either of them any more.”

“C’mon, pork chop, we’re chasing our tails.  Let's stick to stuff we do know or we'll go crazier’n we already are.  Like you being weird about Pearl.  You know, I feel a little like that too.  About how we can get on better now, but there's so much  _ stuff _ between us and behind us.  I feel like if we ever tried to hash that all out it’d wear both of us down to a nub.”

“There's one thing I have to ask her.  Her and Garnet.  I can let the rest go if I just get a straight answer to a straight question.  What happened with Rose Quartz and Pink Diamond?”

“Oh sure, let's pop  _ that  _ one out at Board Game Night.”  Amethyst rolled her eyes, not unkindly. 

“Board Game Night sucks.  I would actually rather have a horrible conversation about the past than play that stupid kitchen game.  It's spelled wrong  _ on purpose!   _ Plus, if I start the world’s most awkward conversation maybe Board Game Night will never happen again in case I try to top that.”

“You know one thing I really like about New Jasper?” Amethyst asked.  “She's still dead serious when she's serious, but she can be goofy too.”

“One thing I like about Amethyst is she notices things about me to like.”

“Aw, yuck.”

“I know, we’re nauseating when we're sweet.”

 

In the end it wasn't Board Game Night but a family meeting convened by Steven to discuss their contribution to the Snow Ball that a few people in town were trying to make into a winter tradition.  

“What's wrong with the tradition where we sit on the beach in the middle of the night and there are explosions and we beat pans?” Garnet asked.  “I liked that tradition.”

“We can have more than one, and this one will be  _ fancy _ ,” Steven said enticingly.  

Amethyst blew a small raspberry.  “Include me out,” she said.  “Fancy I ain't.”

“I am on record as hating balls,” said Jasper.  She was lounging on the floor with Lion lying half over her back like a big pink pelt.  Those two had seemed very chummy lately.  Amethyst wasn't sure if it was because there was a certain big-catness about Jasper or because it was either be friends or have an in-house war over who got to nap in the 2.00 pm sunbeam in the front room.  

“Pearl!  I can put you down for a ticket, right?  It would just be wasteful to have such a great tux and never take it anywhere.”

“I, ah, well, is there some way to contribute without necessarily attending?” Pearl asked.  “Functions like that require decorations, don't they?  I volunteer myself and Jasper to make decorations.  Don't look like that, Jasper, it's only crepe paper.”

“Aw…” Steven looked at the list on his clipboard.  “Well, we do  _ need _ people to do decorations.  The Frymans and the Pizzas are catering, Dad’s going to play a set and Sour Cream is going to DJ one,  there’s a band from the high school too, Jamie’s going to be master of ceremonies, I’m head co-ordinator and ticket sales… no one volunteered for decorations yet.”

“There you are, then, our family contribution is taken care of,” said Pearl.  “We can make… chains of paper snowflakes, yes, that’ll do, and I know the party store where I get prizes has blue and silver tinsel, and I don't know, how hard can it be?”

“But don't you think it's nice when we do things together?” Steven asked plaintively.  “You know, with the community and stuff?  I really want to make this special.”  His lip quivered a bit.  

“I’ll take two tickets,” said Garnet, folding like a house of cards.  “Ruby and Sapphire haven't had a date night in a while.”

“They haven't had a date night  _ ever,”  _ Pearl pointed out. 

“About time then.”

“Great!” Steven cried.  “They’ll definitely add a touch of class.  Okay, that's two, plus Peridot and Lapis are a maybe.  Are you  _ sure _ , Pearl?”

“I think, as with your excellent play, the best contribution I can make is behind the scenes,” Pearl said firmly.  “Jasper and I will make sure the decorations look as fancy as you could possibly want.”

“Well, I  _ do _ know you’ll do a really great job,” he said, relenting.  “Okay, make sure you get receipts for anything you buy, we’ve got a budget and everything.  We’re very professional on the Beach City Festivity Committee!  As long as we're all here, any other business?  We also say that at meetings.”

“I’ve got something,” Jasper said, raising her hand.  She rolled up to a sitting position, dislodging Lion, who huffed at her through his nose. 

“This isn't a good time,” Amethyst said hastily. 

“There is no good time.  Whenever we talk about this it's going to be rough.  At least we're all sitting down.”

“I’m not!” Amethyst said a little desperately, standing up.  

“Can you just have my back on this, hot dog?” Jasper asked. 

“Okay, fine, but I don't have to draw your eyebrows back on after it blows up in your face,” Amethyst said, plopping back into her seat.  

“If this is what I think it is…” Steven said uneasily. 

“If it's something all of you are this concerned about, we’d better discuss it,” Garnet said.  She looked to Jasper and folded her arms.  “Go ahead.”

Jasper cleared her throat.  She got to her feet.  Amethyst willed her not to stride up and down the room and make a speech like she was Captain Kirk.  She settled for tugging down the hem of her top like she was Captain Picard.  “I know I haven't fully proved myself to you yet,” she said, “but I hope I’ve built up a little credit.  I hope you know when I ask this I’m not attacking you.  I really need to know and once we have this out we can probably never talk about it again if that's what you want.  Okay?”  She was glowering in her earnestness.  

“Okay,” said Garnet, neutrally. 

“I need you to tell me what happened with Rose Quartz and Pink Diamond.  I wasn't there, I missed my chance to protect her, I’ve carried that ever since.  I need to know.  Did I even have a chance?  What  _ happened?” _

Garnet was silent.  Pearl shifted in her seat, clasping her hands together in her lap.  She was always pale but she was usually a little shiny, and the shine had dulled right down.  

“What happened?” Jasper repeated.  

“I would tell you if I could but I wasn't there either,” Garnet said.  “I led the diversion attack.  I was where you were.  I'm sorry that doesn't answer your question.”  She moved as if to get up and end the conversation. 

“Pearl?” Jasper said.  “I know you were there.  If there's one thing I’ve picked up, it's how much you loved her.  You were with her.”  She said it flatly, no question in her voice. 

Pearl wrapped her arms around herself, gripping her upper arms, lowering her head. 

“Pearl, please,” Jasper said.  It sounded like her throat hurt, more than usual.  

“You're asking us about one of the most painful times in our lives,” Garnet said, her teeth together.  

“Oh, I’m  _ sorry!   _ For me it was such  _ fun!” _  Jasper's eyes blazed and her hands tightened into fists.  “How could I be so  _ insensitive?” _

“Jasper, stop it,” Garnet said sharply.  “You do  _ not _ get to interrogate us.  I’ve answered you.”

Jasper looked past Garnet as Amethyst grabbed hold of her arm, as if she could ground her.  “Why won't  _ you _ answer me, Pearl?”

“I hate remembering it,” Pearl said, her head still down.  “And it's not the sort of thing you expect to have sprung on you when you were just talking about party decorations.  I'm trying.”  She lifted her face; her eyes were wet and her cheeks were flushed.  

“Of course I was with Rose.  I would never have let her go somewhere so dangerous without me.  We had lost so many dear friends by then, Bismuth, Snowflake…”  She shook her head.  “Rose said she had to face Pink Diamond.  Those were her words, she had to  _ face _ , not  _ fight _ or  _ defeat _ or much less  _ kill. _  I didn't question her.  I only wanted to help her.  It was like old times, I thought, just the two of us on a daring raid… well, having Garnet and Crazy Lace creating a diversion was different.  We went fast and silently, I had taught her how to be silent. 

“We made it into her compound and then it all went wrong.  She was more heavily guarded than we had expected.  We were swarmed by Rubies, we got separated.  I was fighting for my life and trying to find her.  I heard her voice, I heard Pink Diamond's, but I couldn't hear what they were saying.  I couldn't  _ find _ her and then when I did see her on the stairs they were all over me.  I saw her and Pink Diamond.  They were both standing on the stairs, Rose had her sword, Pink Diamond had — I think she had a chair, something like that.  There was something in her hands. 

“Then someone jumped on my back and I fell and they all almost crushed me, I only managed to roll clear because they were getting in each other's way, and there was a terrible sound, a scream, a shattering, and I needed to  _ see _ , I just couldn't  _ see,  _ somebody kicked me in the  _ head _ , everyone was running and I managed to get up and there — there were pieces of Pink Diamond everywhere and Rose was just as white as a sheet and she ran to me and picked me up and we ran.”  Pearl put her face in her hands, her shoulders trembling.  Garnet put her hand on Pearl’s back, rubbing a gentle circle.  Amethyst could feel Jasper's arm was hanging from her shoulder like dead weight.  She fumbled for her hand and squeezed it.  

Pearl wiped her hands down over her face and looked up.  “I am truly sorry that I can't answer your question any better than that, Jasper.  It was chaotic.  I never got a clear look at what was happening.”

“But…” Jasper’s hands opened and closed helplessly.  “You must have had a debriefing.  She must have told you her side of it.  What did she say?”

“She was so upset…” Pearl said.  She hid her face again.  

“She was  _ upset _ so you just let her get away with  _ shattering a Diamond?”   _ Jasper’s teeth were bared and tendons stood out in her neck, but she was holding still.  Amethyst jammed her fingers between Jasper's and squeezed tighter.  “You didn't even make her  _ explain?” _

“She was our friend, she was distraught, there was no bringing Pink Diamond back and we soon had  _ far  _ more to think about,” Garnet said.  “So yes, it got lost in the shuffle.  By the time we could even consider discussing it, it was so far behind us, the situation had changed so drastically, we had lost so much… none of us wanted to rake it up.  There was nothing to be gained.  We were all just trying to cope.”

“We didn't know that one day there’d be Amethyst, or Steven, or you,” Pearl said wearily.  “You deserve real answers, you all do, and we have let you down.  Steven, I can only hope that Rose has left  _ something  _ for you to help make sense of this.”

Steven had listened to it all, growing pale and then flushed with shock and reaction.  “Well,” he said, trying to smile and only succeeding in stretching the corners of his mouth, “now I know as much as I can without that.  Thanks, Pearl.  I know that wasn't easy for you to talk about.”

Jasper covered her face with her free hand, her fingers clawed.   Amethyst could hear her shaky breathing, see the tears that escaped from under her hand.  Jasper was finally gripping back on her hand, so tight it hurt but at least she was letting her try to help.  “Hey,” Amethyst said softly.  “I’m here.  You want to go back to our room?”  Jasper shook her head sharply.  She was still struggling with her breathing.  “I’m here,” Amethyst said again, uselessly.  You couldn't say “It's going to be okay” at a time like this.  She  _ wanted  _ to stretch herself big enough to put her arms round Jasper and hug her tight and wrap her up completely, the way Rose used to hug her.  It just seemed flip.  She hugged her arm as well as she could, leaning her cheek against it.  Steven put aside his clipboard and came over and hugged Jasper's leg, since that was what he could reach.  

Pearl got up, her hand clutching at her stomach, and approached Jasper.  She reached up with her other hand and very hesitantly touched Jasper's cheek.  Jasper flinched and lowered her hand.  “You deserved better,” Pearl said.  Jasper tried to answer and gave a loud, ugly sob, her head bending forward and her huge shoulders slumping.  

“Oh,” said Pearl in dismay.  She reached up to hold Jasper's cheeks with both hands, then moved her hands to the back of her neck, bringing Jasper's head down to her shoulder.  Amethyst saw her eyes widen as she felt the weight and realised what she'd let herself in for, and she mouthed “Amethyst, help me.”  Amethyst was feeling just a tiny sting of jealousy about Pearl getting in on the Jasper-comforting but thought Pearl could do with some comforting herself, so she ducked her shoulder into Jasper's armpit as she sank to her knees and helped take the weight.  Steven did the same on the other side, hugging Jasper around her chest as well as he could, and Pearl quietly shushed and stroked Jasper's tumbled hair as she cried on her shoulder.  Garnet joined them too, and lacking a good angle of approach, settled for bending down and hugging Jasper's back.  

It was a while before Jasper's tears dried up and she pulled back from Pearl’s shoulder, hauling in a deep breath and wiping her eyes with her fingers.  “‘m sorry,” she said hoarsely.  

“It's all right,” Pearl said, and, “Are  _ you  _ all right?”

“I just… I’d still been hoping for it to make sense.  I always think I’ve finally stopped hoping so it can't hurt me any more and then I get disappointed and I know how much I hoped after all.”  Jasper sniffed hard and sat back on her heels and wrapped her arms around Steven and Amethyst’s shoulders, hugging them close to her sides.  “But I have you.”

“Yeah, we’re not goin’ anywhere,” Amethyst said.  

“Are  _ you  _ okay?” Jasper asked Steven, awkwardly reaching her hand round to rub his cheek while hugging him. 

“Yeah,” he mumbled.  “I wanted to know but I was scared of the answer too, so thanks for asking.”

“Oh, Steven,” said Pearl, rumpling his curls.  “It's hard to talk about these things, I can't pretend, but please don't be too afraid to ask.  If you can bear with us we'll try to tell you.”

“Are  _ you  _ all right?” Jasper asked Pearl. 

“Oh!  Yes, I’ll be fine.  I’ll wash my face and be better directly.”  She blinked rapidly and flashed a watery smile.  Jasper managed to return it in kind.  She tipped back her head to look up at Garnet, behind her.  “You?”

Garnet nodded.  “We don't have to never talk about it again.  Next time it would help to have some notice.”  She patted Jasper's shoulder.  “Feel better?”

“Thanks.”  Jasper wiped at her eyes again.  “Well, I feel silly.”

“Group hugs get us all sooner or later,” Amethyst said, and wiped her nose on Jasper's shoulder.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, honestly there is going to be Jaspearl. Also "That had nothing to do with the egg, I was learning to pee" is a strong contender for Worst Thing I Have Written.


	19. Chapter 19

Things felt strange after that, like a lull after a storm has blown through and left everything rain-washed and lightly bruised.  Steven got busier with the Festivity Committee and confided in each of the Gems separately and privately his ambition to invite Connie to the Snow Ball, “as a  _ date _ date.”  It was therefore clear to them that the ball had to be as close to Cinderella perfect as possible; their pride as fairy godmothers was at stake.  Pearl went to inspect the high school gym where the ball was to be held and came back saying that firstly, teenagers were  _ very rude _ and she was glad they hadn't sent Steven to school to learn habits and language like that, and secondly, she was going to make that sneaker-smelling wooden box into a winter wonderland if it killed her.  

She abruptly got a lot more ambitious than paper snowflakes and tinsel, and dragged Jasper to the gym at night when it would be empty to take measurements of every conceivable dimension.  The fact that they technically had to break in to do this was no deterrent to Pearl; she just got Jasper to boost her through a small high window into the girls’ locker room (no power on earth would have got her into the boys’; there was a smell coming from it that defied description) and went round to disarm the burglar alarm and let her in at a side door.  

“How did you do that?” Jasper whispered, taking a last wary look outside and pulling the door shut behind them. 

“Oh, it's very simple electronics, an intelligent child could do it,” she whispered back.  “Got the measuring tape?”

They sneaked around whispering less because it was really necessary, more because it felt more properly conspiratorial and made them both giggle.  Pearl stood on Jasper's shoulders to clamber up onto the basketball hoop and from there vaulted up to the high cross-beam rafters to scramble along like a monkey and investigate to her own satisfaction, shining a flashlight beam from her forehead.  For some reason the way Pearl had considerately reset the alarm as they were leaving made it go off when Jasper closed the door behind them and they bolted, stopping three streets away only because they couldn't run and laugh that hard. 

“I went on a midnight criminal adventure with Pearl,” Jasper told Amethyst when she got home, bright-eyed and still inclined to giggle. 

“That's Pearl.  Such a delinquent.”

 

The next expedition Pearl took Jasper on was more law-abiding.  She had given it careful thought and concluded that since Jasper was clearly not actively aggressive any more there was really no safety reason to keep her away from humans, which meant the only reason to delay her going into town by daylight was the inevitable mutual culture shock.  That couldn't be made easier, in her opinion; humans were going to be strange and uncomfortable no matter how gradually you approached them, so Jasper might as well jump into the deep end as long as she had a competent instructor.  Before long the local people would have written an eight foot tall orange woman off as one of those things that just  _ happened  _ sometimes.  

Therefore there was no real reason why Jasper shouldn't accompany her for the weekly Steven-grocery shop.  She should enjoy that; she liked food, and she complained sometimes about not being allowed out.  Additionally, Steven was at Connie’s house helping with a school project, Amethyst was at Peridot’s helping with a meepmorp, Garnet was off hunting down some mysterious artefact last seen in the Antarctic mountains and she didn't see why  _ she _ should have to be the only one carrying out her plans for the day without a friend along.  

That thought gave her pause just for a moment but yes, Jasper counted as her friend now, she was pretty sure.  The question was whether she would still have done things with her if it weren't for this mentoring/probation arrangement.  She’d like to think so.  They really had had  _ fun _ together sometimes; she still smiled thinking about the school gym escapade. 

Jasper was in the living room occupying every inch of the afternoon sun puddle that she could nudge Lion out of and reading a book borrowed from Connie.  That was one of the unexpected things about Jasper that Pearl found so likeable; she loved to read.  She had the  _ patience  _  and  _ imagination  _ to spend a lot of time reading, which frankly Pearl would not have guessed from her appearance.  And speaking of her appearance, Jasper very carefully holding a book a little too small for her hands and reading with great seriousness was an endearing and amusing sight.  But you couldn't say she was cute; Amethyst and Steven had warned her very seriously about that, so she just thought it from time to time. 

“Come on, Jasper,” Pearl said, clapping her hands briskly.  “We’re going out.”

“We are?” Jasper said, looking up but marking her place with her finger.  “To the arena or something?”

“No, somewhere stranger.  The supermarket.”

They walked there, Jasper staring around at everything and everyone with great curiosity.  She had developed a habit lately that wasn't so endearing to Pearl.  Her shapeshifting had been coming on by leaps and bounds under Amethyst’s tutelage and she was always looking for more complex and interesting forms to imitate.  So far, so good; shapeshifting wasn't Pearl’s favourite thing but she could respect how hard Jasper worked at it.  She had also developed an interest in how human clothing worked, which was perhaps not surprising; Peridot was the same way.  Where Peridot would borrow other people's actual clothing, Jasper would go around copying it.  Whenever she saw someone whose clothes interested her she would try to reproduce what they had on as a quick-change challenge, and she tended to do it when Pearl wasn't looking at her.  She never knew when she turned around whether Jasper would be standing there in her own clothes or an imitation of what someone was wearing on television or in an illustration in a book.  Once it had been a suit of golden armour which had rather suited her (Steven had been watching  _ The Hunchback of Notre Dame) _ and another time it had been a costume out of one of Amethyst’s comics (Black Window or something like that).

Now as they walked towards the supermarket Jasper kept getting distracted and falling behind her and Pearl would turn to hurry her up and find her wearing a road worker’s overalls and high-vis vest, or someone else's flowery shirtwaist dress and cardigan, or someone else again’s very impractical outfit for a chilly day like this; Pearl wasn't sure the world was ready for the sight of Jasper in a very short miniskirt and a teeshirt with the neck cut out but she knew she hadn't been.  

“Jasper, is that  _ appropriate?”  _ she asked a little sharply.  

“Maybe not, I think an outfit like this is better for clubbing.  I liked the flowery dress better anyway.”  Jasper changed back, had a good look at herself in a shop window, nodded in satisfaction and resumed her own clothes.  

“Really?  I wouldn't have thought that was your style.”

“I don't really know my style yet.  I’ll try a little of everything till I do.”

_ My nerves won't stand it,  _ thought Pearl, and saw with relief that they were nearly at the supermarket.  Frankly, she liked the supermarket.  It was laid out in such a nice neat way, and you didn't have to like food to eat to appreciate the order and symmetry the staff clearly tried to achieve with their displays.  She also enjoyed just contemplating everything in its array, thinking with satisfaction of how this would meet Steven's energy needs, that would provide him with enlivening vitamins and minerals, those would keep his hair clean and shiny, and so on.  Greg had recently given her a bank card to use for these purchases, instead of the old weekly envelope of bills (he used to ask for the envelope back when she had spent it because he wasn't made of stationery), and told her she could spend just as much as she liked, but Pearl had developed too much pride in her ability with coupons to splurge unnecessarily.  It made her feel thrifty and provident and generally able to ensure Steven’s future, which was a comforting illusion but at least there had always been milk and bread in the house and usually some change for his piggy bank.  

Down to practicalities; they acquired a shopping cart from the rank and Pearl wheeled it in.  The fresh fruit and vegetable area was first inside the doors, all colourful mounds of oranges and apples, throngs of bananas, designed, Pearl had once heard, to make the customers feel they had arrived in a place of beauty, health and plenty.  “Right,” she said to Jasper, who was staring at everything impartially and looking a bit flummoxed, “we have a list.  First, let's find pears.”

Narrowing down what they had to find seemed to make Jasper focus a bit more and she listened attentively to Pearl’s explanation of how to select ripe, undamaged fruit.  “Do they have peaches?” she asked. 

“Not  _ fresh  _ peaches at this time of year, but I’m sure there are canned peaches.  Canned fruit is often more economical but fresh, whole fruit is more appealing for snacking and that's important for Steven.  Did you want peaches?”

“Just wondered,” Jasper said vaguely.  “Is this pear a good one?”

By the time they had got round to potatoes Pearl thought Jasper was doing so well that she could be entrusted with her first solo mission, so she sent her over to the chillers that came next in the store’s plan to get the orange juice.  She was just considering white or red onions when someone said cheerfully, “Oh, hey, Pearl.”

She turned around and it was her, the woman from the night, and she was smiling and she was tall and her hair was still a tumble of pink although today there was some brown showing at the roots, and she'd never called her.  “Oh!” she said.  “How are you?”

“I’m good.  Good.  Hey,  _ you _ never called.”  It sounded more like teasing than an actual reproach.  

“I, ah, you see,” Pearl faltered, and then Jasper blessedly, unwittingly came to the rescue by looming up behind her and grumbling, “Pearl, you said get orange juice but there are like two dozen kinds and they're all obsessed with  _ pulp.  _  Low pulp, no pulp,  _ extra _ pulp.  What's  _ pulp _ for starters?”

“Oh!  I'm sorry, I forgot, I’ve been getting the same kind by habit for so long I don't really notice the others any more.  He likes the low pulp Orchard Gate juice.”

“But the pulp?” Jasper asked, looking both bewildered and offended by the multiplicity of pulp options.  She noticed the woman and turned her glower halfway toward her. 

“Pulp is the little bits of orange flesh that get into the juice when you squeeze it,” said the woman, undaunted.  “You can strain it out if you don't like the texture, but I think it tastes better.  Who's your friend, Pearl?”

“Oh, this is Jasper.  Jasper, this is…”   _ Oh no oh no oh no I have no idea what your name is.  Did you tell me?  Did I forget? _

She just laughed.  “Don't remember?  You were there and then you were gone.   It's Sheena.”

“Sheena,” Pearl repeated, relieved and embarrassed and covered in gooseprickles.  

“Hello,” Jasper said, gruffly but not unpleasantly, and put out her hand for Sheena to shake.  She looked amused by that too, but shook it and said, “Pleased to meet you.  Hey, I like your eyeliner.  Wings sharp enough to kill a man.”

Which was clearly the way to Jasper's heart, because she smiled — crookedly but properly, not her terribly uncomfortable polite smile — and said “Thanks, I like yours too.  That kind of smudgy effect.  How do you get that?”

“I use eyeshadow instead of liner and put it on with my pinky finger,” Sheena said. 

_ Am I just going to stand here like a fool while they exchange make-up tips?  But I can't think of anything to say.  How can Jasper have more to say to her than I do? _

“Did you also save my planet and my species and I’m welcome?” Sheena asked with a sideways glance at Pearl.  

“Huh?  No, I’m who she was saving it from, I guess.  But that's behind us now, we’re, um, we’re cool.”  She also glanced at Pearl, as if checking her answer was right.  

“I don't usually see you around here,” Pearl said brightly, wishing she'd thought of this sparkling remark earlier.  

“No, I live over the other side of Ocean Town, in the sticks really.  I'm just in BC visiting friends.  They sent me out on a chip run to earn my keep.”  She was carrying a plastic basket, Pearl saw now, slung over her forearm but empty except for a couple of lemons and avocados. 

“We’re just doing our weekly grocery run,” Pearl said. 

“Oh, you two are…?”

“Are?” Pearl repeated.  

“Together,” Sheena said, and sounded very slightly disappointed, unless Pearl was imagining that.  It was so hard to read someone so glamorous. 

“Of course we’re together, I’m right here,” Jasper said.  

“Sorry, I think Pearl was single when I met her.”

“Oh!” Pearl said, catching on and mentally cursing how much humans liked coy euphemisms.  “No, Jasper is my friend.  We live together with a group of friends.  We're raising a child together.  But not  _ together  _ together.  It's — I suppose it's unconventional but we  _ are _ unconventional.”

“I’m unconventional myself,” Sheena said, smiling lazily.  “I should get a wriggle on but just remember.  There's no statute of limitations on my number.  See you.”  She winked and walked away towards the chip aisle, her hips swaying hypnotically.  

“What was all that about?” Jasper asked.  She didn't sound particularly concerned about it, just curious.  

“I, um, I met her a while ago and forgot to call her.  She gave me her phone number.”  

_ “Oh,”  _ said Jasper, light dawning,  _ “she  _ was the Mystery Girl.”

“What?” Pearl said, startled. 

“Amethyst told me.  The one you met at a show?  She and Steven have a bet on whether you're ever going to call her.  They said she looked just like Rose Quartz.  Don't see it myself.”

“How can you not?”  Even with the brown roots showing the resemblance was still so strong it made Pearl feel dizzy. 

Jasper shrugged one shoulder.  “I only know her from pictures.  I could be wrong.  But good for you.  Can you show me the right orange juice?  I’m not going to get this on my own.”

“Right.”  That gave Pearl something clear and unembarrassing to focus on, and she seized it.  She gave Jasper a running master-class on supermarket shopping from top shelf to bottom, including her own private theories on retail psychology and hubris.  By the third aisle she judged Jasper ready to have a turn pushing the cart and she behaved herself beautifully, although she did get a bit of a glint in her eye and speculate as to how far you could ride this thing with a little run-up.  It probably wouldn't be too long before she was stealing them with Amethyst and racing them up and down the street, but for once Pearl was focused enough on the present not to fret about that.  All went smoothly, they paid at the checkout, the checkout operator wisely let Pearl pack her own bags because she had a System, and it turned out Jasper could easily carry eight full plastic bags of groceries by hooking one over each finger, allowing Pearl a hands-free walk home.  

“I think that went very well,” Pearl said as they walked.  “Congratulations on a successful first foray into human civilisation, such as it is.  I think you've earned Pearl Points for Precision, Politeness and Poise.  Remind me when we get home.”

“Does that get me another point for Prompting?” Jasper said. 

“Watch out, or you may lose a point for  _ im _ pertinence,” Pearl said, smiling.  

“It was just  _ im _ provisation.”  Jasper grinned back at her and added, “So are you going to call that Sheena or break her heart?”

“I don't think it would break her heart if I didn't call.  Do you?” Pearl asked, suddenly worried.  She'd assumed Sheena was the sort of person other people waited and hoped for and the idea that she might have been waiting around hoping for something from  _ her _ had thrown her right off. 

“I’m only joking.  But she does seem to like you, so if you like her too you should give it a try, right?  That's how it works here.  Isn't it?”

“I don't know if I should,” Pearl said.  She felt as if she were picking her way between a series of difficult thoughts, and she was right out of practice at having conversations like this.  There had just been no call for it for so very long.  

“Not if you don't like her.  I couldn't really tell how you felt about her.”

“I felt  _ guilty.   _ I meant to call her but I didn't want to do it right away.  I wanted to think carefully about what to say.  And not to look desperate,” Pearl admitted.  “Keenness is flattering only up to a point.  Then one thing happened and another, and by the time I realised I hadn't done anything about it, it seemed I’d lost the initiative and it was really too late.”

“But apparently not.  No statute of limitations.”

“Yes, but…”  Pearl gnawed at her lower lip, thinking about it.  “Oh, I still feel guilty.”

“What for?”

“I don't think I do want to call her.   I was so astonished and excited to actually feel a bit of an attraction and to think that it could be reciprocated… it was so  _ refreshing…  _ but now that I look at it by daylight I don't know that I want to do anything with it.  I just don't feel any strong  _ impulse _ about it any more.  I don't know if I should trust my feelings about it or not.  Perhaps I’m talking myself out of a good thing.  And I do feel awful, as if I’ve used her and dropped her once I got what I wanted.”

“You might be overthinking that,” Jasper said, frowning quizzically.   “I mean, maybe she's just very,  _ very _ good at playing it cool but she didn't seem…  I don't know, who can tell with humans.”

“I  _ know,”  _ Pearl said with deep feeling.  

“Are Steven and Amethyst not telling me the whole story?   Per them, you saw her and got flustered because she was so pretty, you bumped into each other again, you worked your nerve up and went to talk to her and she gave you this number to say she'd like to talk to you again.  Unless there's some hidden cultural thing and you don't give those numbers out unless you're seriously in love, that sounds pretty casual.  Not like she’ll be pinning all her hopes on you.”

“No, that's about the extent of it,” Pearl admitted.  

“Might not be worth feeling guilty about.  Also, if guilt would be the  _ main _ reason you’d talk to her again, it's a pretty bad one.   _ I _ wouldn't like someone to talk to me only out of guilt.”

“That's probably true.”  Pearl walked in silence for a few paces, thinking it over.  

“But it's really none of my business and what do I know?” Jasper added hastily.  “Don't let  _ me _ tell you what to do.”

“I think I’ll let it go,” Pearl said.  “She’s sure to find someone else, someone like her always will. I’ll just enjoy it for what it was and no more.  It  _ is _ possible for me to feel that way again and that's nice.”  She drew in a deep breath and let it out.  “Oh, that actually feels remarkably better!  What a relief.”

“Is that going to happen a lot when we're out and about?” Jasper asked, half smiling.  “Bumping into your lovelorn admirers?”

“You might not think it to look at me now, but I’ll have you know there was a time, when there were more Gems around here, when I was  _ quite _ popular.”

“Why wouldn't I think that to look at you?” Jasper asked, still with that half a smile, and Pearl realised she'd said more than she'd meant to.  

_ I sounded as if I was just fishing for a compliment.  Showing off like some sort of faded belle.  She’ll think I’m ridiculous.  Why is she smiling like that?  Stop it, she's just being kind, Jasper  _ can  _ be very kind.   _

“Well, I’m not popular the way I hear  _ you _ are,” she said quickly.  “If those Rubies were a representative sample of the populace, half of Homeworld is head over heels for you.”

“Oh, that,” Jasper said, her smile fading.  “That's not real.  They just like my image.  You can't actually get close to anyone because that's what they want, the image.  Perfect powerful glamorous Jasper like on the posters.  I’ve tried lots of times, there were lots of people who  _ wanted  _ to try, but… I just couldn't, it was better to cut things off before I disappointed them.  But I  _ did _ use people and drop them once I got what I wanted.  I felt important,  _ I  _ felt like my image for a while, and then I moved on before that could fade and  _ I  _ got disappointed.  I was kidding myself.  It’s so obvious when I look back but at the time I totally believed all these dumb justifications I came up with.  I was out of their league and all that.  Anyone I hooked up with, that was unfair to all the other fans.  After a while I didn't exactly get honest with myself but I did get pretty tired of it, all the stop-start, so I stopped starting.”  She shrugged awkwardly.  “Sorry, you don't want to hear all that.”

“You don't need to be sorry.  I hope you feel you can tell me things that are important to you.  I did mean it when I told Sheena you're my friend.”

“Oh.  Thank you.”  Jasper reddened a bit and added, “You're my friend too.  I mean it goes both ways.”

“Good.”  Pearl looked away, feeling oddly shy.  Well, it wasn't as if she'd had a new friend for a while either.  All sorts of things were rusty.  “Do you mean you’ve never actually had a close relationship with someone?  A special one?”  _ Why am  _ I  _ being euphemistic now?  Why not ask her if she's been in love?  I suppose it's not really love we’re talking about.  _

“Yeah, which is why you shouldn't take any advice from me,” Jasper said with a dismissive little laugh.  “I am  _ horrible  _ at relationships.  I never even had a Pearl because —”  She stopped, almost covering her hand with her mouth.  “I’m sorry.”

“What were you going to say?”

“Because she'd know me too well,” Jasper said in a small voice.  “I’m sorry, Pearl, it's a bad old habit, I know I shouldn't say things like that.  Like it's just normal.”

Pearl wound her arms around herself.  It  _ had _ put a chill on her mood, which had just been so warm.  “What would your reasons for not owning a Pearl  _ now _ be?”

“Pearls are people and they only belong to themselves?” Jasper said hesitantly, as if she were taking a test she wasn't sure she'd studied for enough.  

“Well, as long as you know that and keep working on the bad old habits, you should be all right.  Let's not dwell on it.”  

“I’m really sorry.”

“Let's get home before the ice cream melts.”

 

Amethyst came back from the barn spattered with paint and feeling pretty good about things, and found Jasper lying face down on an old mattress.  Her heart sank.  “What's the matter, sis?” she asked, biting off  _ “now.” _

Jasper lifted her head, looking startled.  “What?  Oh.  No, I’m okay, I just feel stupid.  I was having a nice conversation with Pearl and blew it about three different ways at once.”  She folded her arms and rested her cheek on them.  

“What’d you  _ say?”  _ Amethyst asked, flopping down beside her to sit leaning against her flank. 

“You stink,” said Jasper, “and you have handprints on your butt.”

“Now I know you didn't say that because Pearl  _ never _ stinks.  Those handprints are mine.  I couldn't find anywhere else that didn't have paint to wipe them.”

“Oh, I thought Peridot got fresh.”

“As if,” Amethyst said, punching her in the arm.  “What’d you say to Pearl that's so awful?”

“Oh, I just made this stupid casual comment about why I didn't own a Pearl and sounded self-obsessed and tactless and moronic.  My usual.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah,  _ oh.   _ And I apologised a lot but she kind of cut me off.  I think she was really mad.  It was a good talk up to  _ that.   _ I shouldn't have talked about me.”

“She might just need to cool off.  See if she still seems mad later on, I guess.  Try not to stew about it, though.  If she's really steamed I can put in a good word for you.”  Amethyst patted Jasper's broad back, leaving crumbs of dry paint that was flaking off her hand behind.  

“I don't know, can we even really be friends if she's going to feel like I'm just like the kind of Gem that owned her once?  Like I just think that's normal and okay?”

“I don't think she thinks you're like that.”

“Maybe I should just leave her alone,” Jasper said glumly.

“You can't, you’ve got that promise.”

“I wonder if she'd let me out of that now.”

“Do you seriously not want to hang out with Pearl any more because you think you offended her?” Amethyst asked.

“I don't know.  I should have told her to call that Sheena human!  I think she liked her.”

“Who's Sheena?”

“That's Mystery Girl’s name.  We saw her today at the supermarket.”

“Way to bury the lead, dude!”  Amethyst slapped Jasper's arm.  “What happened?  What were you doing at the store in the first place?”

“Pearl took me out.”

“And Mystery Girl was there?  What was she doing?  How did she look?  What was she wearing?”

“A chip run, whatever that is, friendly, jeans and a hockey jersey.  Red Wings is hockey, right?”

“Yeah.”  They’d had a long discussion of hockey after seeing half a game on TV by chance; Jasper had been fascinated and they were going to try to play if they found a good frozen pond this winter. 

“I didn't think she looked like Rose at all.”

“Seriously?”

“Obviously I’m in the minority there.”

“So what _ happened?   _ Yer killin’ me here.”  Amethyst bounced on the mattress, jostling Jasper with both arms.

“They must have seen each other and started talking while I was looking for orange juice.  It was just a conversation.  Polite and friendly, a little bit flirty at the edges.  There was a weird misunderstanding when she thought Pearl and I were a couple because we were shopping together, and I think she thought she'd offended  _ me.   _ Even if we were together like that, why would I be offended by someone else liking Pearl?”

“Jealousy,” Amethyst said, surprised.  

“Humans must have a really low threshold for jealousy, then.  What do they do when they need to share a partner?”

“They don't… usually… share.”

Jasper frowned.  “Why not?  Don't they ever like more than one person at a time?”

“Is that like… normal for Gems?”

“Is it  _ not _ normal here?”

“Nobody tells me anything!  And I thought — I mean, Pearl was  _ mad _ jealous when Rose and Greg got together, so I thought…” Amethyst trailed off.  “But then, Rose had BFs and GFs from time to time that Pearl didn't seem to care about.”

“I’m no expert, but I think most people would say there's a difference between someone you can share your partner with and someone who takes your partner away from you.   _ That's  _ where jealousy kicks in, when you think they're going to choose the other Gem  _ over _ you.”

“And… we’re talking about partner like someone you're in love with, yeah?  Not fusion partner or work partner or howdy partner?  Just wanna make sure we're talking about the same thing.”

“Yes, of course.”  Jasper stacked her fists like one-potato-two-potato and put her chin on them.  “So this is another thing about Gem life they never explained to you?”

“Yep.  I guess I got all my ideas about this stuff from humans.”

“Okay, well, what you usually get is couples and trios but people can swap and share, nobody expects it to be exclusive.  Some Gems have more of a loose group, like… romantic friends, I guess.  Some like to have one partner who gets all their attention, sure,  and if you want to be really close to someone you need to spend more time with her than with everyone else, but it would be weird to get offended or jealous just because someone else showed she  _ liked _ your partner.  That's more like a compliment, that you have good taste.”  Jasper paused, considering.  “You know what it might be?  Maybe they didn't talk to you about this stuff because they didn't know if there'd ever be any other Gems around to be an option for you.  So they thought if you were going to be in love with someone one day, it’d be a human, so you might as well go with what they did.”

“Rrgh!”  Amethyst pulled her boot off and threw it across the room.  It made a satisfying clatter before it dissipated and reformed on her foot.  “They could still have told me!  Now I just feel dumb hearing it from you!”

“I don't think you're dumb for not knowing something nobody told you.”  Jasper reached back awkwardly to give her a pat.  

“Pisses me off.  I mean, there are humans who swap and share  _ too _ , there just aren't as many of ‘em, and I don't know why I just  _ assumed  _ — that's why I feel dumb.”

“You’ll get over it.”

“So what, did  _ you _ have a bunch of different girlfriends all at the same time?  Or not, ‘cause I think I remember you complaining about lovesick dweebs hanging around?”

“No. That's part of what I was saying to Pearl before I blew it,” Jasper said, fetching a heavy sigh.  “I never got very close to anyone because I was scared if they really knew me they'd be disappointed.  Or disgusted.  I wanted them to just see the formidable, glamorous me, the big against-the-odds success story, so I could keep believing she was real.  You can't have that if someone sees you in private.  If she sees you when you're tired, or upset, or you do something stupid like stand up under an open cupboard door.  So I’d take up with someone who I knew liked me, and she'd be all thrilled because I was  _ Jasper,  _ and I’d get a kick out of that and soak it up until I got nervous, which was right about when she'd want to be alone together a lot, and then I'd think of all these reasons why we weren't a good match and I’d pretty much dump her.  Sometimes I’d put a nice front on it and tell her she was great and she just needed to keep looking, but sometimes I’d be mean about it.  Really mean.  Like laughing in her face and telling her to get lost.  I was an asshole,” she concluded. 

“I don't want to step on your revelation you were an asshole, but are you telling me a Gem could like one Gem and then like another and not stop liking the first one?”

“It's old news anyway.  Yeah, that would be perfectly normal.  It’d be tricky if the two she liked didn't get along but otherwise fine, happens all the time.” Jasper twisted round to look at Amethyst properly.  “You look kind of stunned.”

“I have to rethink some things.”   _ Holy smokes, maybe Peridot still likes me.  Maybe she just — I can't handle this right now, I can't think about it.   _ “But that'll keep, I need to hear the goss about Pearl and — what’d you say?  Sheila?”

“Sheena.”

“Sheena, what happened?”

“Not much else.  Pearl told her we’re friends, she said she could still call her and she took off.  Then on the way home Pearl said she kind of liked her but not enough to do anything about it, I guess?  That it was nice she could feel that way but that was all.  She was worried she was just using her to feel better, so I told her from my expertise in using people to feel better I didn't think she had.”

“Aw, man.  I guess I win the bet.  Wish I hadn't.”  Amethyst slumped down against Jasper’s side, folding her hands over her tummy.

“Do you think Pearl  _ should _ be with Sheena?”

“I think Pearl needs to get out of her head and grab someone for once!  It was so cool that she actually talked to her and got her number and now she's just gonna let it be nothing.  Who knows how long before she looks at anyone else.  There isn't exactly a glut of bodacious pinkheads around here.”

“Would it have to be pink hair?” Jasper asked, and her fingers curled slightly around a lock of her own thick near-white hair that spilled over her shoulder and lay on the bed.  

“Dude.  Do  _ you _ like Pearl?” Amethyst asked, snickering. 

“I’d like her to be happy and have a partner if she wants one and it's a little weird if her type is  _ that _ specific.  I’ve always had the impression she liked Garnet.  You know how she hangs onto her arm and things like that.  You could call  _ her _ bodacious but her hair’s not pink.”

“Yeah, it's weird with Garnet,” Amethyst admitted.  “And since you said all that stuff about not being exclusive I’m  _ really  _ remembering how cuddly P and Bismuth were.  You think  _ they _ had a thing?”

“How would I know?” Jasper sputtered.  

“Bismuth’s hair was  _ part _ pink.”

“Yeah, and if she was anything like the Bismuths I’ve seen she was built like a brick wall.  I'm not saying Pearl couldn't like her too, I’m saying how is that the same type?  Sheena was all,” and she made an emphatic hourglass gesture in the air with both hands.  “Not,” and she outlined a big square slab. 

“Still fairly bodacious,” Amethyst said stubbornly.  

“Okay, so focus on… bodacity and not pink hair.  Then there must be plenty of women she could at least be attracted to.”  She snapped her fingers and pointed at Amethyst triumphantly.  “That tennis player on TV.”

“I can't get Pearl a date with Serena Williams!”

“No one said you have to, she's just an example.”  Jasper thought a moment.  “She met Sheena when you took her to a show, right?  Somewhere she wouldn't normally go.  So you should take her to more shows.  Maybe you can even work out what type of show is likely to have a lot of the type of woman she likes, target those.  It’d be more efficient.  And you can go along and encourage her, you’re good at encouragement.”

“I don't know when anything is, but I guess Greg is a decent local gig guide,” Amethyst said thoughtfully.  “But if Pearl figures out we’re just trying to put her in the vicinity of babes she might get embarrassed and dig her heels in, I don't know.”

“But the whole reason for going to the show in the first place was that you wanted to have fun, so you wouldn't  _ just _ be trying to put Pearl in the vicinity of anything except a good time.  If she didn't meet anyone sufficiently bodacious it would still be worth going.”

“You’re not just a pretty face and a gun show, are ya.”

“I try my best.” Jasper gave her a little grin.  “And until we can isolate the type of show that has the right type of woman, I guess we can always just get her  _ out.   _ Oh, we should make her go to Steven's ball.  Lots of people there.”

“But then  _ I  _ have to go to be wingman, and I don't wanna,” Amethyst said, wrinkling her nose.  

“It would also make Steven really happy.”

“Says she who could spend the evening watching TV and eating nachos!”

“Well, if you go I’ll go.  Quartz solidarity.  Deal?”  She held out her hand palm up. 

“It all depends on whether we can get Pearl to go.  Okay, subject to that, deal.”  Amethyst slapped her hand down on Jasper's.  “Uggghhh, I have to try to be  _ dressy.” _

“I’ll help.  I’ll do your hair and make-up.”

“Me in make-up?”  Amethyst snorted to show what she thought of that. 

“It's dressy.  I can keep it simple, it's just like polishing you up a little.”

“Can't polish a turd, dude.”

“What are you talking about?” Jasper asked, sitting up.  “So you're not a classic Quartz beauty.  You have a nice face and you should know it.  If you  _ mean _ ‘I’m worried I can't pull it off,’ just say that.  Don't call yourself a  _ turd. _  I get offended on your behalf.”

Amethyst glared at her and huffed through her nose.

“You don’t  _ have _ to wear make-up if you hate it.  But you need to dress for the occasion and I just want to help you look your best.  You can actually go in feeling confident that way.”

“Easy for  _ you _ to say, you  _ are _ the classic Quartz beauty.”

“Well… yeah.  And if something’s easy for me, shouldn’t I… help people it’s not easy for?”  Jasper finished that sentence sounding extremely tentative.  “Or am I getting that part wrong?  Is there something in between ‘mock and crush people it’s not easy for’ and ‘help them with it’ that I should be aiming for?”

“No, you’re being totes nice,” Amethyst admitted, slouching lower and pouting.  “I  _ am  _ just scared I can’t pull it off.  I got my style, anything outside my style is kind of scary.”

“We’re just going to find the slightly fancier version of your style.  I mean, is it going to be purple and black with stars on it somewhere?  Of  _ course _ it is.”

“Oh, can it?” Amethyst asked, brightening up a little.

“Of course, dummy!  I’ve spent millennia going to balls in an outfit that was right for the occasion but didn’t feel like _ me, _ you think I’m going to let that happen to my sister?  I’m going to get this right.  I’m going to come up with options for you to pick from, you can tell me if you like one part of something but not the rest, if you want to combine parts from two different things, if none of them are right and I need to look in a completely different direction —”

“You’re going to make me rate capes,” Amethyst pointed out, grinning.

“Amethyst.  I am good at two things.  Fighting and creating the perfect ensemble.  Which of those would you like me to do right now?”

“Fight me bro!”  Amethyst cannoned into her belly and launched a completely unscrupulous tickle attack.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Three chapters uploaded in one day! Now watch me lose all motivation. Also, I actually don't think this is the last time Sheena will ever show up.


	20. Chapter 20

Jasper found her doughnut bag to-do list again while searching for one of the big sketchpads Steven had got for her; actual real sketchpads that didn’t continually replenish their pages.  She flattened it out and considered it.  Was it a sign things were getting better or that she was doing something wrong that she felt the need to add things to it and shuffle things around?  Did things like “Plan Amethyst’s ball outfit” and “Inveigle Pearl into attending ball so there will be a use for Amethyst’s ball outfit” and “Try to make sure Pearl is happy because she’s so sweet and kind to me in all her strange twitchy ways that it makes me feel constantly guilty about what I used to think of her” belong higher or lower on the list than huge, impossible things like Lapis Lazuli and all the question marks?  Should she add “Work out whether I am doing good things with my newfound friends or distracting myself from the things I should really be doing because it feels nice?”  She was sure she didn’t deserve that nice feeling but it made things complicated that  _ they _ were enjoying seeing her feel nice, and  _ they _ deserved nice things… but she probably only thought that because they were  _ nice _ to her and she selfishly wanted that.

_ Stop thinking about it, _ she told herself.   _ Stop, that’s what Amethyst calls a rabbit hole, I don’t altogether understand what that means but it’s a hole you should not go down.  It’s the sort that goes on forever, no back or end to it.  They say you can have a vacation and this is it.   _

And all those question marks were still bristling out of the paper at her like sharp little hooks.  Steven had said Lapis and Peridot were a “maybe” for attending the ball.  She couldn’t imagine just running into them there, or rather, she could only imagine running into them in terms of flying shards of metal and crushing deluges of icy water, which would absolutely spoil everything Steven had planned and ruin Pearl’s decorations, quite apart from the obvious risk to herself.  So that gave her a pretty firm deadline for facing them again; she couldn’t depend on that “maybe” turning into a “no.”

She sat down with her back against a dead refrigerator and smoothed the greasy brown paper out against her knee.  There was a reason she’d put Peridot’s name first; she was clearly the least intimidating option.  She could probably give herself permission to tackle that first.  It was ridiculous how these days she found herself preparing for difficult conversations as if they were battles, and not even battles she could win.  The successful resolution was if everyone felt at least a bit better about the situation and was ready to draw a line under it and move on, which felt woefully undecisive, even worse than the sort of battle that you weren’t sure you’d won until all the casualty figures were in.

She knew from overhearing things that Peridot and Lapis lived at a place called the barn which was a short distance from the temple.  No one had tried to hide this from her but no one had told it to her either.  She didn’t know whether the barn was reachable by warp pad or you had to walk there; she could always  _ try _ getting on the warp pad and thinking “the barn” but the results you got when you couldn’t visualise the destination were always a bit iffy.  Also, that would mean breaking her promise with Pearl, which she really didn’t want to do.  There were all the sensible reasons, that it would jeopardise her position in the household and destroy such trust and credit as she’d been able to build up and be extremely poor thanks for the trouble Amethyst and Steven had gone to in vouching for her in the first place, and then there was the thought that  _ Pearl might cry.   _ She’d seen Pearl cry a few times now, which she gathered was not unusual; if emotions were weather Pearl would just have a naturally rainy climate, but she’d hate to be the cause of that again.

The only ways to meet with Peridot without breaking her promise were to arrange with Amethyst and Steven to bring her to the temple or to get Pearl’s permission to go to her, probably accompanied by Pearl.  Amethyst and Steven were the obvious choice there, both because they had been her friends and supporters through so much and because they were already thoroughly familiar with the situation and didn’t need any briefing.  She had to take care not to think in any definite terms beyond a meeting with Peridot, if she could set that up.  She didn’t know how Peridot would react to her or what she had to say, didn’t know if she would agree to see her in the first place, so trying at this stage to make a plan for how to deal with Lapis Lazuli after that would be a waste of her time and could only make her more tense and anxious.  Knowing this did not stop her mind trying to flit ahead repeatedly, but at least she could swat it back to where it should be when she noticed it doing that.

“I’ll ask them about it when they get home,” she said aloud.  “Okay?  That’s a plan.  Until then I’m not going to waste any more time thinking about it, I’m going to find the stupid sketchpad and try to draw some ideas for Amethyst’s outfit.”

The sketchpad had slipped down the back of her armchair, where she had already looked once at the start of her search and only looked again out of frustration and annoyance.  This time she jerked the chair away from the wall a bit more and the light caught the white paper where it hadn’t before.  She pulled it out with a snort of irritation and sat down to try to draw.  This was just a kind of diagram, she’d decided, nothing very detailed.  Like shapeshifting, start with the basic shapes.  Amethyst was short so a long dress was likely to swamp her; that was the key difference between choosing something for herself and choosing for Amethyst.  She was lively and would look good in something that bounced and moved with her, probably a full skirt, but something around knee length.  The top half should be fitted and she didn’t think Amethyst would want sleeves; she was clearly proud of her beefy little arms and they were a good feature to showcase.  The ideas were starting to flow now and she scribbled eagerly.

She was trialling what she thought were her best ideas in front of the cracked mirror when Amethyst came back with Steven in tow.

“Holy smokes, what’re you doing?” Amethyst asked.

“What?” Jasper spun round guiltily, then felt cross with herself for reacting guiltily.  What was she doing wrong?

_ “Oh my gosh you look adorable,” _ Steven whispered hoarsely, his hands clapped to his cheeks.  “I can say that, right?  Because you’re Amethyst shaped right now?”

“Dude, I didn’t know you could do  _ me,”  _ Amethyst exclaimed.  “I’mma do you back.”  She popped up to Jasper size, grinning.

“I’m just trying to make something good for you,” Jasper protested, putting her hands on her hips.  “I can shapeshift better than I can draw now so this was a better way to try out the details.”

“Oh man, I wish I had a drink so I could put it down on top of your head.”

“This is rank ingratitude,” said Jasper, pointing up at her.  “Also, who puts their drinks on your head?  Show me and I’ll punch them.  Is Steven okay?”  He was clutching his own face and making strange gurgling whistling noises.

“I dunno, I think too much cuteness can give him anaphylaxis.  He’s a wheezy little guy.”

“Both of you stop being weird and give me your opinion of this dress.”  Jasper held her arms out and turned around once slowly, then once more faster to show how the skirt swung round.

“It’s… okay, I like the drapey bit at the top but the skirt’s a little too sock hop.  How many petticoats have you got under that thing?”  Amethyst shrank herself tiny and tried to look up the skirt before popping back to her usual size.

“Just one but it’s really fluffy.”  She wasn’t even going to bother to ask what “sock hop” meant unless it came up again.

“Okay, no petticoats, too frou-frou.  Sorry, sis, the whole thing’s just kind of retro.  Not like you could know, you haven’t had a chance to be a dedicated follower of fashion.”

“Well, not for current Earth fashion.  I was just hoping basic good taste would carry me through.”  Jasper looked down at herself critically.  “Back to the drawing board.  No petticoats.”

Steven, who had regained some measure of coherence, suggested, “I’ll get my laptop and we can Google for inspiration.”

“Oh, can I have one of those prom dresses made of duck tape?” Amethyst asked, suddenly enthusiastic.

“I’m not  _ making _ you a dress, I’m coming up with the design and then you copy it by shapeshifting,” Jasper objected.  “And holding myself in this small is a real strain, so I’m going back to normal.”  She shook off the transformation.  “Anyway, before we do anything else about that I wanted to ask you something.”

“Shoot,” said Amethyst.

“Okay.  I don’t know whether you two have thought about this,” she said, crouching down, “but sooner or later chances are I  _ will _ run into either Peridot or Lapis again.  We live nearby and things happen.”

“Of course we’ve thought about that,” said Steven.  “We just… didn’t want to pressure you about it when you’ve been having a good time.  It kind of made me nervous that Pearl started taking you out to stores and things without saying anything.  Not that they hardly ever go anywhere near town but being out and about raises the chances.”

“Right, and you’re nervous because you want any meeting like that to be planned and controlled, not a random run-in, yes?”

“Right,” said Steven, nodding slowly.  “I mean, I don’t know about controlled, you can’t really control how people will act but you can pick your time and place and try to set things up to succeed, yeah.”

“Okay, I think it’s about time we did that and I want to tackle Peridot first.  Can you help me?  I can’t exactly set it up myself.”

“Oh sure!” Steven said, brightening up.  “I was thinking both of them together and that would be a lot more tricky.  Let’s go with Peridot first and she can help us talk to Lapis second.”

“Well, you’re assuming there that things will be okay with Peridot,” Jasper pointed out.  “We don’t know that.  Amethyst says she doesn’t like me.”

“Not she  _ doesn’t like you,” _ Amethyst said, exasperated.  “She just… okay she doesn’t like you much, but she doesn’t  _ dislike _ you.”

“I do… kind of… get the impression she thinks you were in the wrong in the Malachite situation?” Steven said hesitantly.  “Which we all  _ know _ isn’t fair,” he added hurriedly.  “You pressured Lapis to fuse and it was uncool but you weren’t the one trapping you two together.  But Peridot’s kind of protective of Lapis, I think because she feels bad about the way she treated her herself.  It’s good, we can get this all cleared up.  You can tell her your side of it, as much as you want to.  So do you want to dive right in and set it up today?  Or spend some more time planning?”

_ “Can _ you set it up today?”

“I can try,” he said, shrugging.  “I can always call her and see what she says.”

“Yeah.  Yeah, do it now, I don’t want to have a long time to get more nervous and crabby about it.”

“One thing?” said Amethyst, raising her forefinger.  “Maybe ask Peridot to come over to talk and tell her what it’s about  _ then? _  Because she loves speakerphone and I dunno whether we want Lapis to hear about it just yet.  We’re taking this step by step, right?”

“Right, good call.  Okay, I’ll do that.  And hey, I can use speakerphone too so you guys are in the loop.”  He pulled out his phone and tapped at the screen, and a ringtone sounded.  After a moment there was a click and Peridot’s scratchy voice blurted out of the speaker. 

“Steven!  Please state the reason for your call.  Haha.  No, why are you calling me?”

“Hi Peridot!  How are you?”

“Alert and full of enthusiasm.  We’ve adopted an opossum!  Or it has adopted us.  I’m not sure if mutual adoption is a thing.  Lapis has tentatively named it Bitey.”

“That sounds great, having a pet is so rewarding!”

“What’s an opossum?” Jasper whispered to Amethyst.  Instead of answering she transformed into a strange little animal before popping back.  That took care of that, she supposed.

“Listen, Peridot, I wanted to ask you —”

“Lapis!” Peridot shouted.  “Say hello to Steven.”

“Hello Steven!”  It was a more distant voice than Peridot’s but it was unmistakable.  Jasper felt a sudden shock of immobilising cold.  Lapis sounded so cheerful; the closest she’d ever heard to happiness in her voice was a certain grim satisfaction.  

_ There.  That ought to hold you. _

The cold was infiltrated by unexpected warmth, Amethyst’s hand stealing into hers, and she breathed again.  

“Hi Lapis,” Steven replied, glancing over at Jasper uneasily.  “Congratulations on the pet.”

“Why  _ have _ you called?” Peridot asked.  “Of course you’re welcome to make contact at any time, I’m merely curious and in the middle of perusing my microblogging dashboard.”

“I have something I want to ask you about, but I’d like to do it in person.  Can you come over sometime soon?”

“Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm… I estimate another twenty minutes for a  _ thorough _ perusal.  You’re lucky you caught me near the end.  Hey Lapis, can you be ready to go in twenty minutes?”

“Oh no, Lapis doesn’t need to come, we just need you,” said Steven, visibly sweating.  “Sorry Lapis!”

“That’s fine,” said the distant voice, “I’m pretty comfortable where I am.”

“Okay then,” said Peridot, “my ETA is twenty-five minutes, allowing for trotting down to the warp pad.  See you soon!”

“See ya!  Bye Lapis!” Steven piped, and cut the call.  “Oh my gosh I did  _ not _ think that through.  Sorry, Jasper, are you okay?  You went really glassy-eyed.”

“I’m okay.  I felt... really strange.  It was kind of like hearing a different person with the same voice.”

“How are you feeling?” he asked.

“Um.  Physically kind of chilly and sweaty?  Also… very mixed.  It was… it felt bad but sort of exciting.  I don’t know how else to describe it.  Well, ha-ha, bad but sort of exciting, that sums up my whole Malachite experience, doesn’t it.”  She didn’t know what to do with her face.  “Anyway, I’m just — I’m not going to think about that any more right now if I can help it.  I need to concentrate on getting ready to see Peridot.”  She got up quickly and wiped her hands on her pants legs.  

“Okay,” said Steven, looking up at her doubtfully, “but if you do want to talk about it later we can.”

Jasper managed a brief smile.  “Right.  Okay.  Moving on.  We’ve got Peridot coming in more like twenty minutes now.”

After some discussion they decided Steven and Amethyst would meet Peridot at the warp pad and give her some preliminary explanation.

“But do I have to wait in the temple again?” Jasper asked.  “I hate that because I have no idea what’s going on.”

“I guess you could sit in the bathroom and keep the door cracked,” Steven said.  

“Guys?” said Amethyst.  “What’re we going to do if Peridot wants to go straight off and tell Lapis Jasper’s back?”

“We, well, we talk to her and explain why it’s important to do this in a careful, step by step way so everyone can stay as calm as possible and we don’t all run around with our hair on fire,” Steven said.  “That waiting to tell Lapis isn’t putting her in any danger, it’s just taking things one step at a time.”

“And failing that I tie her up, I guess,” Amethyst said, shrugging.

“That doesn’t seem like a  _ great _ idea,” he said, frowning.

“Wouldn’t be the first time.”

“But Peridot really cares about things being reasonable and logical, right?  So if we explain it to her and she understands why it’s important, I’m sure she’ll co-operate.  Don’t you think so, Jasper?”

“Hope so,” Jasper said.  “If you don’t want her tied up I could always sit on her.  Assuming she doesn’t run me through with the contents of the kitchen knife block first.”

“I am  _ sure _ that was a  _ one time thing,” _ Steven said earnestly.  “But if you’d feel safer I can put the knife block in a cupboard.”

“I was trying for a little joke.”

“It is  _ so hard _ to tell with our lives sometimes.”

The time drew near and Jasper withdrew to the bathroom.  She always had to either stoop in here or just sit on the floor; she chose the floor for now and carefully positioned the door with just an inch or so of opening.  Then she sat, and hugged her knees, and tried to think about something good.  Pink Diamond brushing her cheek with the skin of a peach.  Steven and Amethyst clambering on her back and hugging her round the neck.  Pearl offering her hand to help her up after knocking her down.  Connie wanting to know what she thought about the latest book.   _ If I can get all those people to think I’m all right, maybe Peridot will too.  They’re not all wrong.  At the very least I can honestly say I have never wanted to do any harm to Peridot.  And I always thought she was intelligent and capable.  Maybe a little snotty and annoying.  I still don’t really understand how she can be happy without her limb enhancers but all right, if she says she is I’m prepared to accept it.  Things make me happy now that I would have thought were weird or pathetic or sick.  Well, honestly, they are still weird, I just don’t mind that as much any more. _

She could hear Steven and Amethyst shifting around and having a muttered conversation.  Steven said something that made Amethyst laugh and just the sound of that made her smile a little.

Then she heard the warp pad flare, and Peridot loudly declaring, “Here I am!  Hello Steven.  Oh!  My lucky day, bonus Amethyst!”

“What up, Peridorito,” said Amethyst.

“My mood seeing you!”  There was a little “hnnnn!” noise suggesting an emphatic hug.

Jasper thought,  _ What?  I know they’re friends now but since when is Peridot such a suck-up? _

“Damn, girl, what happened to your  _ arms? _  Steven, get some drool on these stat.”

“Glaaah.”

“Did Steven mention Bitey?”

“Okay, that name makes sense.”

“She’s very cute!  She has little beady eyes and scrabbly fingers.”

“Glaaah.”

“Thank you Steven, this is, although distasteful, very kind of you.”

“Missed a spot.”

“Ptui.”

“Possums are great, did you know they eat garbage?”  Of course Amethyst would be enthusiastic about that.

“Did  _ you _ know they have thirteen nipples, twelve arranged in a circle with one in the middle?”

“What the cheese, Peridot.”

“This is information freely available on the internet!”

“What, you just Google possum nipples?”

“It was an unexpected sidelight of a more general inquiry.  Marsupials, am I right?  What did you want to talk about, Steven?”

“Oh, well, please, come and have a seat.  May I say your bow  _ du jour _ is very dapper?”

“Thank you!  It’s burlap.”

Jasper couldn’t hear anything that let her know where they’d sat down; the couch seemed most likely.   _ Actually, I wonder how they explain me to people.  I couldn’t hear the other times. _

“Okay,” Steven began.  “We want to talk to you about Jasper.”   _ Straight to the point. _

“Really?  Why now?  I thought we’d all pretty much put that mess behind us.”   _ Does she mean  _ me? _  That little snot! _

“Well, we’ve all had some time to calm down, right?”

_ “I _ was always calm,  _ she _ was the one who went on a rampage.  I do feel sorry for what happened to her in the end, of course,” Peridot added conscientiously.

“Dude,” Amethyst said, sounding sort of affectionate and amused.   _ “Believe _ I remember you going on a rampage of your own.”

“Well, I — I —”

“You’d agree, wouldn’t you, that a person can change a lot if they want to?  Especially if they start to see things a different way?” Steven put in quickly.

“Why of course.  I’m living proof,” Peridot said, with pride.

“And that should be true for Jasper too, right?”

“Well, in  _ principle,  _ sure.  In practice I don’t know what could  _ get _ her to see things a different way.  She was such a stubborn sort of person.  Really dogmatic.  You heard her, right up to the end, refusing help and convinced you were just trying to use her.  She wouldn’t even listen to me.  If she didn’t change her mind even when she was in that state, why would she ever?  Sort of moot anyway, with the corruption.”  Peridot made an odd little sound, as if she were trying to fetch something up.  “Steven, it’s very kind of you to still worry about her, but I think you might have to accept that sometimes things just don’t work out.  They’ve gone too far already.  Speaking as your friend, I wouldn’t want you to torment yourself about things you can’t put right.”

“Peridot,” Steven said, “I need to  _ swear you to secrecy.” _

“Complete and  _ utter _ secrecy?”

“Complete and utter.  No one outside this room can know unless the three of us agree to lift the  _ cone of silence.” _

“Where is this cone!?”

“Uh —”

“I’ll get it,” said Amethyst.  Jasper heard her feet hit the floor and she walked over to the kitchen.  A cabinet door squeaked open, there was a rustling sound and she came back.  “There.  Cone of silence.”

_ “Waffle _ cone of silence,” said Steven.

“Exactly, the strongest kind.  Chocolate lined.  Okay.  Once I  _ formally lower  _ the cone of silence to the table, we all agree that we keep this secret no matter what.”

“And if you lift the cone of silence?” Peridot asked.

“Secret’s off and we all get to eat a bit of it.”

“Oh, that’s really very satisfying!”

“I know, it’s a good tradition, right?  You in?”

“I’m in!”

“Okay, let’s do this right, Steven, Peapod, you each put your left pinky finger on the cone.  Ready?  Lowering it now.  Repeat after me, ‘I solemnly swear to honour the cone of silence.’”

“I solemnly swear to honour the cone of silence,” they chorused.

“Aaaand… there.”  Jasper strained her ears; it would have been nice to hear a little tap sound but it was no good.  “Bingo bango bongo, we’re sworn to secrecy.  Okay Steven, let ‘er rip.”

“Okay.  Peridot, I have really big news.  Amethyst and I found a way to travel together in dreams and make contact with Jasper’s mind even though she’s bubbled.  We spent a lot of time with her, and we got to understand each other and became friends.  And the really great, amazing thing is, her corruption healed!  We unbubbled her and she reformed and she’s totally okay!”

“Shut  _ up,”  _ said Peridot.  “Amethyst, is this true?”

“All true, if I’m lyin’ I’m dyin.’”

“Well, I would really like to have been informed sooner!  No, consulted before you started!  I have a certain responsibility here, you know, as your protector!”

“Aw, Peridot, thank you,” Steven said.  “We really didn’t tell  _ anyone,  _ though, not till we were sure it worked.  Then we told Connie as a test audience, and then we  _ had _ to tell Garnet and Pearl next because they live here too, and you were the  _ very next person.” _

“You told  _ Connie _ before me?”

“Connie is my best friend.”

“Oh,  _ what? _  How many times has  _ she _ saved the world with you?”  There was a slap overlaid on a thump, as if Peridot had slammed her hands down on the tabletop.

“It’s… it’s not a competition, Peridot…”

“This is a house of secrets and lies!  Is your name even  _ Steven?” _

“Wow, this is  _ not _ how I pictured this going south,” said Amethyst.

Jasper had had all she could stand.  She pushed back the bathroom door, stuck her head and shoulders out and said, “Peridot, stop being hysterical and let Steven explain.”

Peridot jumped into Amethyst’s lap with a yelp and then squirmed round behind her and attempted to hide under her hair.  The scene lacked a certain dignity.  Even the cone of silence had fallen over on its side when Peridot slapped the coffee table and was gently rolling in a little semicircle around its point.

“Hey protector,” said Amethyst, folding her arms.  “Wanna come outta my hairdo and protect?”

“I was just startled,” Peridot said, crawling out from cover with her cheeks dark blue.  “You could have warned me she was in —  _ hey!” _  She was back to righteous indignation.   _ “You gave her my old room?” _

“Peridot,” Steven said gently, putting his arm around her shoulders.  “You’re kind of missing the point.  Think of all those corrupted Gems who’ve been suffering so long.  Jasper was like them and now look at her.”

Jasper unfolded herself from the floor and emerged from the bathroom, grateful for the chance to stand up straight.  Was she going to have to kneel right down again, though?  Humble apology time?  Peridot was standing in between Steven and Amethyst, holding onto a fistful of Amethyst’s shirt like a talisman, and staring at her with eyes like saucers.

“Also, she’s chill now,” said Amethyst, and gave her a little pat on the bottom, nudging her forwards.  “Go say hi.”

“Uh.  Right.”  Peridot pulled herself together with a visible effort, cleared her throat, squared her shoulders and marched towards Jasper.  She stopped, stuck her hands on her hips, and then seemed to think better of it and dropped them by her sides.  “Jasper, I want to apologise.”

_ “You _ do?”

“Yes.  I still believe poofing you was justified under the circumstances but I know you were in a really bad way and it could only have added to your distress and for that I’m sorry.”  

“Wow,” said Jasper, startled.  “Thanks.”  For some reason that made Peridot look extremely pleased.  She wasn’t at all sure what to do with that.  She tried to smile.  “I should apologise to you too, I was no fun to work with.  I’m sorry I was so grouchy and impatient.  You were absolutely right there was more going on here than met the eye.  I was supposed to be your escort and I got sidetracked by… everything… and didn’t do much of a job guarding you.”

“Well, I forgive you,” Peridot said with a magnanimous grin.  “Don’t worry about it any more.  I bet that’s a relief!  Gee, I really can’t tell to look at you what happened.  You look the same as ever.  Except, well, obviously.”  She tapped the yellow diamond on her own chest.  “What’s that about?”

“It’s what I feel right wearing.  You don’t have to agree.”

“I just don’t quite see the point since Pink Diamond’s been gone for so long, but then I do understand no longer feeling an allegiance to Yellow Diamond.  She did let me down.  Let all of us down, really, but me most  _ directly.   _ Well!  I suppose in time you’ll be looking to trade up to a star?”

“No.  I haven’t joined the Crystal Gems and I’m not planning to.”

Peridot chuckled.  “Not that you could without my sign-off.”

Confused, Jasper glanced over to Steven and Amethyst.

“I’m so happy this is going so well!” Steven exclaimed, hurrying over and giving Jasper’s hand a squeeze.  “See?  I knew Peridot would be reasonable.  You guys can get to know each other properly now away from all the Homeworld rules and I think you’ll both be pleasantly surprised.  You can really be friends!”

“I… don’t think I can be friends with Jasper,” Peridot said.  “It’s not that I have anything against you personally, Jasper, but I have to think of Lapis.  She’s come a long way with my support and encouragement and I can only think it would really hurt her to see me have anything to do with you.  You understand.”

“But — no,” Steven said, his face falling.  “You can’t tell Lapis  _ yet _ because cone of silence, but the whole idea is that sooner or later Jasper and Lapis can talk and clear things up between them.  Then  _ everyone _ can be friends.”

Peridot looked uneasy.  “I really don’t think you can expect Lapis to be friends with someone who’s caused her as much pain as Jasper has.  I know there was hurt on both sides but honestly, hasn’t Lapis suffered enough?  You’re her friends too, you know what she’s been through.  I think the decent thing for Jasper to do is just to leave Lapis in peace.”

“Peridot,” Steven said, his face reddening, “you  _ know _ Lapis used to hurt Jasper on purpose, right?  I don’t think she’s a bad  _ person _ in her heart but she did a really bad thing.  She didn’t  _ need _ to hurt her to stop her hurting anyone else.  And she  _ knows _ that, she told me.  I want them to talk to each other so Lapis can apologise.”

A painful half-laugh burst out of Jasper and she covered her mouth with her hand, pulling it free from Steven’s grasp.  “She’s not going to apologise.  She hates me.  The best I was ever hoping for here was a formal truce so you don’t get hurt.”

“But — but you  _ need _ her to, don’t you?” he asked plaintively.  “You  _ deserve _ something.  She can’t just treat you like a mistake she can walk away from.  That wouldn’t be good for you  _ or _ her.”

“And it’s not good for us,” Amethyst said.  She had been hanging back, gnawing at her lip and half-hidden by her hair.  “We’re in this weird split thing where we care about both of them but — jeez, I don’t know, I feel like there are two different Lapis Lazulis.  There’s the mellow one with a sense of humour who’s your — you  _ love _ her.  I don’t want to say you can’t love her.  She needs  _ someone  _ to love her, we all do.  But then there’s the other Lapis Lazuli who stole the ocean and tried to drown Steven and Connie and broke Greg’s leg and made Jasper her prisoner to punish  _ her _ for what everyone  _ else _ did to her.  You weren’t there when they fused, okay, and we were.  She said, ‘I’m done being everyone’s prisoner, now you’re  _ my _ prisoner.’  Jasper wasn’t nice to Lapis but she didn’t do all the crap she’s so mad about.  And Lapis made her feel like she was worth nothing.  Jasper’s a tough nut!  You think she would have cracked up and corrupted if it wasn’t for Lapis making her into a punching bag for months till Jasper got so messed up she thought she  _ needed _ Lapis to be strong?  She tried to go  _ back _ to her after they broke up, to get  _ more _ punishment just so they could be Malachite again.”

“I think it’s more complicated than that,” Jasper said.  She’d had no idea Amethyst thought Lapis had made her break down.   _ Had _ she?  She hadn’t  _ helped.   _ It  _ felt _ as if everything went back to Pink Diamond and Rose Quartz, but then, she’d been thinking that so long that maybe she didn’t see anything else.

“I know it’s more complicated, it’s crazy complicated, I know I don’t know the whole story and you’ve never told me and there might be some things you’ll never want to tell me, that’s  _ okay,  _ J, it’s okay, but I can’t get away from that.  She made you feel like garbage.  On purpose.  You’d always felt like that underneath, you were scared you were wrong inside, but Lapis told you it was true all the time, didn’t she?”

Jasper nodded.  Her throat felt too tight for her to speak and her face was hot.  

_ “You _ thought you were wrong inside?” Peridot asked incredulously.

The tightness cleared or tore open.  “You know I’m wrong inside!  I’m Beta!  I’m trash!  Or no, I’m a  _ miracle, _ I’m  _ amazing, _ I came out of this garbage place that makes garbage Gems, I better always be perfect to prove I’m not garbage like them!”

“I always thought you were so arrogant,” Peridot faltered.  “I wouldn’t have thought you had any self-doubt at all.”

“I  _ was _ arrogant.  I was both things at the same time and I never  _ ever  _ felt right.  I  _ know _ I’m not right!  Lapis just never let me forget it.  I’m an arrogant, vi-violent b-brute and I — I’m sorry, this was a bad idea, Amethyst, Steven, I’m sorry, thank you for trying, I have to go.”  Her hands were shaking and she could feel that she was either going to cry or, because she couldn’t stand to cry in front of Peridot, fly into a rage that would only go to prove everything Lapis must have told Peridot about her.  She turned away from them, her vision blurring, realising as she turned that she couldn’t get into the temple without Amethyst or Steven opening the door for her, she couldn’t go into the bathroom because she would be cornered there, and so she dashed for the warp pad, thought furiously of her only possible destination, and felt herself disappear.


	21. Chapter 21

It was getting on for nightfall and there was still no sign of Jasper.  They’d been going out in search parties, taking turns to be the one person who stayed at base in case she came back or to pass messages from one party to another, for most of the day.  Amethyst, Steven and Peridot had taken the obvious first step of going directly to the Beta Kindergarten, Jasper’s established bolthole, but found no signs of life there, not even big footprints in the sand.  By the time Garnet and Pearl came home, they had tried several other locations and Steven and Amethyst were beside themselves with worry; Peridot was equal parts worried about Jasper, worried she was going to try to confront Lapis and worried that _ she _ would be blamed for the whole mess.

Garnet had taken charge, pointing out that Jasper could still be on the move, perhaps pad-hopping, and that they would have a better chance of intercepting her if they split up.

“What if she went back to the ocean again?” Steven wailed.  “We  _ know _ how hard it is to find anyone down there and she’ll be so cold and all alone in the dark!”

“Steven,” Garnet said, steadying him with her hands on his shoulders.  “Jasper knows you love her, and she loves you.  Even if she’s too upset to think clearly now, sooner or later she’ll calm down and realise she should come home.  I’d rather find her before that in case she does some damage while she’s upset, that’s all.”

“I’ll go and get Lapis to help with the search,” Peridot offered.

“No don’t!” Steven cried, and Amethyst grabbed Peridot’s arms.  “Cone of silence, remember?”

“But the cone is already compromised,” she protested, gesturing at Pearl and Garnet.

“No it’s not, they knew already.   _ Please,  _ Peridot, don’t tell Lapis, Jasper doesn’t want her to know yet, she needs to get ready.”

“How can I make sure she’s all right without telling her?  I’ve stayed with you till reinforcements arrived, now I have to go home!  Jasper could be up there right now terrorising her!”

_ “I’ll _ go and check on Lapis at the barn,” Garnet said, taking one hand from Steven’s shoulders to steady Peridot’s as well.  “If nothing’s wrong, I’ll pass it off as a social call, ask to borrow something.  But Peridot, remember that Lapis is more than capable of defending herself if Jasper did go there.  She’ll be all right.”

“It’s how she’ll feel that I’m worried about,” Peridot said, subsiding.  “But thank you, Garnet.”

They had been searching since then, marking off places they had checked on a world map Pearl had projected on the floor and the others had quickly traced with Steven’s sidewalk chalk.  As each hour passed it seemed less likely they would find her; she could have gone to ground by now in some hiding place that would be almost impossible to find, like an injured housecat hiding in a crawlspace.

It was Pearl’s turn to wait at base.  She couldn’t just sit and wait.  She paced the room, her fingers twining together.  The chalk dust on the floor was really bothering her but it would be some time before she could have the relief of a thorough hot mopping.  She had tidied everything she could, made a plate of sandwiches that were now on the counter under plastic wrap so Steven could have something sustaining to eat immediately whenever he came back, and reorganised the linen closet, which was really a pointless thing to do since she had only just  _ organised _ it with Jasper’s help a few days ago.  She leaned on the kitchen counter, drumming her fingers.  Everyone had been asking the question aloud, “If I were Jasper right now, where would I go?”  It was such a tricky one because all the obvious answers had been exhausted.  By definition a lost thing or person would always turn up in the  _ last _ place you thought to look.  Perhaps it was time to try the opposite approach; not where  _ would  _ but where  _ could _ Jasper possibly have gone?  What were the limits?

Pearl straightened up.  “Oh.”

 

It was a bleak, cold day that had never been bright to begin with, with a sky full of dirty grey clouds now only slightly coloured by some streaks of red light in the west.  A bitter wind was blowing and felt particularly sharp in a high spot like the hand of the temple’s stone guardian.  As the warp glitter cleared from her eyes, Pearl could see Jasper’s long hair streaming and snapping in the wind like a tattered banner.  She was sitting hunched up with her arms around her knees and her back to the washing machine, and judging by her bedraggled state had been in that position the whole time a shower had blown through in mid-afternoon.

She didn’t move when Pearl went over and sat down beside her, although her eyes moved; she had seen her.

“Everyone is very worried about you, you know,” Pearl said, trying to speak calmly and gently the way Garnet might.  “We’ve all been out looking for you in every possible place.  It took a long time for it to occur to me that after all, you’re a Gem of your word.  You said you wouldn’t leave the temple without me, therefore the only place you could have gone via warp pad is here.”  Jasper said nothing.  “I’m glad I’ve found you and you’re safe.”

“I’m sorry I’ve wasted everyone’s time,” Jasper mumbled, her chin still on her knees.  “I didn’t realise they’d think — I thought they were just leaving me here to cool off.”

“It’s all right.  This is much better than if you’d gone to the Marianas Trench.  I’ve left a note downstairs saying where I was going to look for you, so they’ll know as soon as they get back.”  

She waited.  For a long time Jasper still didn’t speak, and then she said, “I moved the wash over to the dryer when it was done.”

“Thank you.”  Pearl really was touched that Jasper would remember to do that when she was so upset; goodness knew nobody else had, herself included, and of course if they  _ had _ paid attention to the laundry they would have found Jasper sooner.

“But then I didn’t take it out of the dryer because it was raining so it’s probably all wrinkled.  You know how it gets if you leave it in there.”

“That’s why we have an iron,” Pearl said.  She got up and opened the dryer door.  A little gust of still-warm air came out.  She thought she remembered, and she was right, that there had been a blanket in this load.  She’d meant to add it to Steven’s bed for the winter but it had smelled so strongly of mothballs when she got it out of the linen closet during the reorganisation (she might have been over-zealous with her mothballing last spring) that she’d hung it out to air for a day or two and when that didn’t work had just washed it on a cool cycle.  The cold and the wind up here wouldn’t hurt either of them but even a conscious manifestation of light, however big and strong and fearsome she might be, could benefit from a little tactile comfort.  Pearl pulled the toasty-warm blanket out, wrapped it around Jasper’s shoulders and pulled out a corner for herself, leaning against her side.  They sat together in silence for a while, until Pearl couldn’t bear it any more.  

“I’ve been under a misapprehension about you and I feel I ought to apologise.”

Jasper blinked.  “This is my day for getting apologised to.  Can’t imagine what for.”  It didn’t sound to Pearl as if she was being sarcastic.

“Some things came out when Steven and Amethyst were explaining what had happened that…  You see, I had always thought of the Malachite situation as more of a near-equal battle of wills, with you holding Lapis down as much as she was holding you.  And I  _ was _ very frightened of you in the past and didn’t want you to harm Steven or bring more Homeworld forces down on us and so I was grateful to Lapis for keeping you contained, as well as feeling just terrible about what she’d been through stuck in that mirror.  I made such an awful mistake thinking her gemstone was only broken shards.  I didn’t realise a stone in that condition  _ could _ still be a sentient Gem; I’ve certainly never seen a cracked Gem who could do what she could.”  Pearl paused, trying to get back on track.  “So I think for all those reasons I made another mistake about you and the situation you were in.  I didn’t realise there was such an element of cruelty to Lapis holding you that way.  I had been thinking of you  _ now _ as just unhappy because you were remorseful and ashamed of yourself, and of course because you’ve been carrying such a deep grief around with you all these years.  It really hadn’t occurred to me how badly you’d been undermined by the way she treated you.  I’m sorry, Jasper.  I can only tell you again that you deserved better.”

She felt Jasper shrug, her massive shoulder moving gently beside her.  “It doesn’t make any difference to me.  You’ve been so kind to me.  Far more than I deserve.”

“Well, you deserve to be understood by the people who care about you.”

“But Pearl, she’s right.  I’m a brute.  I’m big and strong and not very bright and I like fighting and beating people and… and feeling things break when I hit them, feeling  _ strong _ like I can do anything… but I have no real strength, not if she could do all this to me.”

“Oh Jasper,” Pearl said, quietly and ruefully, leaning her head against Jasper’s shoulder.  It really was miserable up here, but that probably suited Jasper’s mood; the streaks of sunset she could see were like fire and blood.  “I’m just a Pearl,” she said after a moment.  “I’m not strong or clever or beautiful or even useful for anything but cleaning and tidying and keeping things nice.  I always need someone to tell me what to do.”

“None of that is true, you must know that!” Jasper exclaimed, lifting her head for the first time.

“I  _ know _ it but that’s still how I feel down at the bottom of my mind, every day.  Rose told me again and again that it wasn’t so and I  _ did _ trust her and I wanted to believe her and  _ sometimes _ it felt like it could be true.  And I did  _ achieve _ things that a person with no real strength or talent shouldn’t be able to do… but then I felt as if they didn’t count  _ really _ and anyone who knew what I was actually like would see that.”  She clenched the blanket tightly in her hand, willing herself to risk asking the question.  “Do you sometimes feel a bit like that?”

“Only all the time.”  Jasper was looking at her as if she’d never seen her before.

“Isn’t it sad and stupid,” Pearl said, flushed with relief, “that no matter how many times you hear someone kind like Rose or Steven say that you’re good, and clever, and brave, and you can do whatever you want to do if you try and they’ll be right there to help, you always still hear the voice from before that, the one that says all the terrible things you know in your heart must be true?”

“So it doesn’t go away?” Jasper asked.

“Alas, no.”

“Typical.”

“Alas, yes.”

Jasper glanced down at her again, then said, “I’ll yell back at yours if you yell back at mine.”

Pearl giggled.

“I’ll yell things like ‘Shut up, leave Pearl alone, she’s smart and sweet and Homeworld Gems in the army used to tell each other  _ horror stories _ about how fierce and powerful and devastating she was.’”

“Did they really?”

“Oh yes.  I never believed them.  I never actually saw you in action.  Otherwise I’d have been lighting up my nose to cast a spooky glow in the trench and telling them all about my run-in with the Terrifying Renegade Pearl.”

Another giggle of delight bubbled up in her, more at the thought of Jasper dramatically telling scary stories than at being the subject of those stories.  “All right, well, I would yell back at yours, ‘Stop running Jasper down, she’s lost everything and picked herself back up and kept going and  _ nothing _ is stronger than that.’”

“I didn’t pick  _ myself _ back up.  Steven and Amethyst hauled me up.  It’s really down to them.”

“Then I would yell, ‘Steven and Amethyst deserve every bit of credit you give them for their kindness and their faith in you but they couldn’t have picked you up if you didn’t make the effort to lift yourself up too.’  Which is a bit of a difficult sentence to yell.”  Pearl paused, reflecting.  “You know, I still can’t believe in myself, but I believe in the people who believe in  _ me _ .”

“And I hate myself,” Jasper said bluntly, “but I love the people that love me.”

“And we’ve got this far.  That might be enough.”  Jasper’s arms were still locked around her knees, and almost without thinking about it, Pearl placed her hand in the warm crook of her elbow, finding that there was a near-perfect fit between her palm and Jasper’s cubital fossa.  Jasper’s arm tensed and Pearl looked up to find her staring at her hand with a thunderous frown.   _ Oh dear, I’ve misread that completely.  Just because she’s willing to have me sit beside her doesn’t mean she wants me pawing and dangling all over her.  Even Garnet only tolerates it because she knows I need  _ something _.   _ She snatched her hand back and quickly got up.  “And we should go back.  Nobody’s come up yet and there’s no reason to sit around here.  Help me get this dry laundry bundled up and when we get downstairs we can see what can just be shaken out and folded properly and what we’ll need to iron.”

 

Things had been going so unexpectedly, astonishingly well and it was  _ sunset _ and Jasper was feeling a strange sweet aching echo of how she’d felt that one precious time with Pink Diamond, and then she’d blown it.  She’d just been so startled to feel Pearl touch her, to see that little white hand trustingly nestled inside the crook of her big orange arm, that her face had twisted itself into a glare and she’d scared Pearl off.   She couldn’t get the words together to say what she  _ wanted _ when Pearl sprang up and started being so brisk and practical and organised, to say “No, come back, you can keep doing that, I  _ liked _ it.”  Today’s feelings had been so bruising and then so weirdly sweet that any mental stamina she had was completely exhausted.  She followed instructions dumbly and did her best to understand Pearl’s ensuing lesson on proper ironing technique while knowing that she probably wasn’t going to remember a thing.  

She had one clear, stable thought throughout, that she was going to do absolutely everything she could to make sure Pearl would be happy.  To protect her, to encourage her, to help her, whatever she needed.  She would even sit around and listen to her talk about Rose Quartz.  A bit, she had limits.

Then the warp pad flared and Steven stepped down, his shoulders slumped and head hanging, and Amethyst, a step behind him and with her head up so she could see, reflexively punched him in the back to get his attention and bellowed “Jasper!”  Jasper had just time to brace herself before they both slammed into her and knocked her on her ass in a confusion of hugging and crying and joyful yelling.

“Steven Quartz Universe, did you just learn to spin-dash?” Pearl asked, swiftly rescuing the iron that Jasper had left hot side down on a pair of jeans.

“I did!  I could never get it right before!” he cried.

“I’m very proud of you, now never do it in the house again.”

“Don’t you do that again either!” Amethyst shouted, trying her best to get Jasper in a headlock, giving up and hugging her around the neck instead.  “Do you know how scared I was, you big dope?”

“I’m sorry, I had no idea you’d think I’d just  _ gone.” _

“Where  _ were _ you, Assper?”

“I was up by the washing machine!”

“Why’d you go  _ there?” _

Jasper shrugged.  “I’m allowed to?  I wanted to be alone and try to get a grip on myself, that’s all.  I’m really sorry, I thought you’d know I wouldn’t leave the temple alone.  I promised not to.”

“We looked for you all over the  _ world!” _ Steven said.  “Why did you stay out there so  _ long?” _

“I just… I got stuck, I suppose.  Sitting up there and thinking over how I’d messed up, and I couldn’t stop thinking over  _ all  _ the ways I’ve messed up, and the things Lapis said, and I got into a really deep funk and it seemed like I  _ should _ sit there and let it rain on me.  And I was thinking you must know where I’d gone, so when nobody came up after me I thought you were just leaving me to it.”

“We wouldn’t do that,” Steven said in dismay.  “Did you think we didn’t  _ care?” _

“No, just… maybe your idea of how long I needed to cool off and mine were out of synch.  In the end Pearl figured out where I must have gone so she came up and got me and we had a good talk.  Hey, don’t cry any more,” she said, trying to brush tears off his cheeks with her thumb.  “It’s okay.  I’m so sorry you were scared, rosebud.”

“That was really smart of you, P,” Amethyst said, hanging over Jasper’s shoulder.  “Thanks.  I wish I’d thought of that.”

“I only thought of it at the end of a  _ long _ process of elimination,” Pearl said.  “It’s just as well Jasper takes a promise seriously.”

At that point the warp pad lit up again and Garnet and Peridot appeared, Peridot riding piggyback.  

“She’s back!” Peridot exclaimed, pointing.

“Good,” said Garnet firmly.  

“Why are you carrying Peridot?” Pearl asked.

“Easier than trying to walk at the same pace.”  Garnet let go of Peridot’s legs.  “Hop down.”

“Also, we were walking through tall thick grass and I was gravely impeded and kept getting burrs in my socks,” Peridot reported, slithering to the floor.  “Where’d you find her in the end?”

“Oh,” said Steven sheepishly, turning round to sit down in Jasper’s lap.  “She was up on the hand with the washing machine all the time.  She didn’t run away, she just wanted to be by herself for a while.  She thought we’d know.”

“Sorry,” Jasper mumbled.

“How on earth were we supposed to know that!?”

“Well,  _ you _ couldn’t, but while Jasper is new here Pearl’s kind of her mentor, and we have a rule that Jasper doesn’t leave the temple without her.  So she stuck to that.”

_ “Steven!   _ You dragged me halfway across the planet thinking she could be running amuck anywhere and she was  _ in your house _ the whole time?”

“I think I can actually see where we went wrong,” he said.  “See, Amethyst and I  _ both _ thought the first place she’d go by warp pad if she was feeling upset was Beta Kindergarten, because that’s  _ her _ place.  Once we’d checked there we got stuck on the idea that she must have gone farther out and we didn’t think back to where she could’ve gone closer to home.”  

“Oh, well that’s just great,” Peridot said, folding her arms high over her chest.  She blew out a peevish huff through her nose, then said to Jasper, “So it looks as if  _ you _ behaved more rationally than the rest of us.”

“Thank you?”

Another huff.  “And I didn’t realise you’d be so upset by what I said.  I didn’t want that to happen.  Sorry.”

“Don’t worry about it.”

“Well, I  _ will _ worry about it, I have a  _ responsibility _ here both as leader of the Crystal Gems and as Lapis’  _ best friend,” _ — she said this with a rather pointed look at Steven — “to deal with this unresolved situation.”

“Who says you’re —” Jasper began, and saw Garnet making a shushing gesture, finger to lips, behind Peridot.  All right, that was just weird.  Peridot thinking she was the leader was a sidetrack anyway.  “You’re not responsible for my problems,” she tried again.

“I’ve had time to think about what Steven said and I agree that if Lapis has lingering regrets then she can’t really move on without addressing them.  It’s like how — well, this reference will presumably be over your head but in the seminal work of Earth entertainment media,  _ Camp Pining Hearts,  _ Hortense the camp cook has suffered a secret sorrow for fifteen years because she never told Remy the bus driver who she only sees at drop-off and pick-up — well anyway, if I thought this would be just for your benefit and to Lapis’ detriment I would still say no, but if it will help  _ both _ of you to put the past behind you, I cautiously support the two of you having a carefully mediated conversation at some unspecified future point.”  Peridot paused and self-consciously straightened the odd little brown bow in her hair.  “And if she really made you feel that awful, well, you don’t deserve that and it shouldn’t be ignored.  That’s all.”  She glanced over at Amethyst guiltily.  “Because I also thought a lot about what you said.  While trudging needlessly across vast tracts of tundra, desert and swamp.”

“It was more of a bog,” said Garnet.  She reached down and picked a burr off Peridot’s back.

“And Garnet was a helpful sounding board while I… processed all that.”  Peridot stepped over and awkwardly patted Jasper’s arm.  “Look, I don’t rule out the possibility of one day being friends, it’s just a little up in the air right now.  I’ve been gone a lot longer than I was expecting, so if you’re okay I should really be getting back to the ol’ barn.”

“Okay,” Jasper said.  “Thank you, I appreciate it.”  She was mainly thinking how different Pearl’s hand and Peridot’s hand felt on her arm; she thought the difference was that Pearl’s hands were always a bit cold so they could give you a shiver, whereas Peridot’s seemed warm and possibly a little tacky.  It was so strange to be touched by Peridot’s  _ bare _ hand, too.  Not that they’d exactly been all touchy-feely back when she had the limb enhancers.  It would just take a while to get used to seeing Peridot this way without thinking “Where’s the rest of her?”

“Walk you home?” Amethyst suggested, sliding to the floor from Jasper’s shoulder.  For some reason that small offer made Peridot puff up and glow with happiness as she accepted.  Well, “some reason;” the reason might be fairly simple but Amethyst was the last sort of person Jasper would have expected Peridot to develop a crush on, especially if she also liked someone as outwardly elegant and upper-crust as Lapis Lazuli.  That crossed type lines in a weird way anyway, but it seemed less odd than a technical Gem with a fighting Gem and a defective one at that.  It seemed like aspiring  _ upward.   _ She might be misunderstanding and she was too tired to give it serious consideration anyway. 

They spent the rest of the evening quietly.  To Jasper's relief and surprise, there seemed to be no penalty for wasting everyone's time and making them worry.  It didn’t mean she’d lost the degree of trust she’d had, because after all, she hadn’t broken any rules, only followed the rules better than they’d expected.  Steven and Amethyst both clearly felt a bit guilty for having assumed she’d break them.  Pearl had been incredibly kind and comforting and almost unnervingly insightful, and Garnet didn’t say much but once or twice when she was passing by Jasper, sitting on the floor reading with Steven leaning against her back with a book of his own, she’d paused and put her hand on her shoulder for a moment.  Jasper found herself wondering how much she’d just been a sounding board and how much she might actually have spoken up for her to Peridot.  She didn’t really think of Garnet as an ally so much as someone prepared to tolerate her presence on conditions.  Maybe that hadn’t been quite fair.  But then, had Garnet’s idea of the situation been the same as Pearl’s misunderstanding?  She didn’t know and was also too tired to get into that.

After Steven had gone to bed she and Amethyst went back to their room, where she lay on the mattress and Amethyst announced she was going to be a therapy cat now because that was what people needed after a day that rough.  She shapeshifted into a fluffy animal not that much different from the opossum and curled up on Jasper’s hair above her shoulder and purred loudly in her ear.

“How does this help?”

“It just does.”

“It is kind of a restful noise.  How can you do that and talk at the same time?”

“Magic.”  Amethyst was quiet for a while, apart from the purring, and Jasper began to think that sleep would be a good idea tonight.  She could dream and go back to the Kindergarten and sit in that sunset glow again and look at her picture of Pink Diamond.  She was a little afraid she would end up looking at the one of Lapis instead.

“Sis?” Amethyst said.

“Hmm?”

“Whatcha thinkin’?”

“Nothing much.  My head is tired.  I’m still working out whether today was awful or a qualified success.”

“Dude, the second one!  You’re too harsh.  We  _ all _ doofed it up a little.  Who knows the right way to have a talk like that anyway?  It’s such a weird situation.”  She was quiet again for a minute, then said, “Does it hurt you that I’m friends with Peridot and Lapis?  Because I could drop Lapis no problem but I could never see how to be friends with Peridot and avoid her.”

“You don’t have to do that.”

“Not what I asked.”

“It’s such a mess,” Jasper said, and sighed.  “I’m sorry I’ve put you in that position.  You shouldn’t have to choose between your sister and your friend.”

_ “You _ didn’t put me in this position.  I feel like you need to get madder at Lapis over stuff like this.”

“I don’t want to get into that again.  Otherwise she’s just going to turn into my new Rose Quartz who I blame for everything and I’ll be obsessed again.”

_ “Ohhhh.” _

“I don’t want to keep being like that.  It just makes me stupid and I make things worse for myself.  I decided a while ago, back when I was bubbled, when I was just really taking in that Steven wasn’t Rose, that I didn’t want to let her have that power over me any more.  I mean, she’s always going to have some power.  I can’t not feel anything about her or what she did, I wouldn’t be  _ me _ any more, but I can take something back and say no, I’m not going to let how I feel about you control me.  I’m not going to base my life on hating you.  It’s really the only victory I can have against her.  I couldn’t think that about Lapis for a while because everything was too fresh but I think now I should.”

“This actually sounds totes mature and healthy, I wonder if there’s a catch I’m not seeing.”

Jasper couldn’t help laughing.  “Well, it is  _ my _ idea, so there could be a  _ horrible _ downside that we only discover when I blunder into it headfirst.”  The laugh subsided and she sighed.  “I’m doing a horrible job of it.  Look at today, getting so upset I ran off like a little wimp.  But I’m going to keep practising.  I thought about this up on the hand today.  I just — I kept going back and forth on it.  Thinking I was going to do it and then thinking I couldn’t do it because everything she said about me was true.  I’m telling you about it now to try to make myself bite down and really do it.  You and Steven have helped me not think about her all the time and that’s one of the best things you could have given me.  But sooner or later I do have to deal with her because she’s not like Rose, she’s still here and now, so I want to say… it’s really hard to find how to say it.”

“Keep trying, I wanna know what you’re going to say.”

“On top of ‘I’m not going to base my life on hating you,’ ‘I’m not going to base my life on wanting you back.’  And — and I can’t be all positive and say I’m enough on my own, that just feels fake, but I’m going to try to  _ become _ enough.  And enough to do different things than I would’ve done with her if we’d stayed together.  I still want to be able to fly but the rest that I wanted Malachite  _ for _ just isn’t important any more.  I don’t need to be able to beat the Crystal Gems.  Taking down Rose Quartz is just not on the table any more.  Taking down this  _ planet _ for Yellow Diamond — I’m not going to let her wipe out Pink Diamond’s planet like she took her out of all the murals and statues and everything.  She might think she’ll be satisfied when it’s all gone but I think she’s kidding herself.  And it’s my planet too.  I was made here and it’s part of me and it’s where I found you.  I need to be enough to take care of my world and my family.  I’ll base my life on that, thanks.”

Amethyst wriggled back to her own shape, hugged her tight around the neck and blew a raspberry on her cheek in an excess of emotion.

“Ugh, you’re so gross,” Jasper said, dragging her into a proper hug against her chest.  She rested her cheek against the top of Amethyst’s head and closed her eyes, breathing in deep so they wouldn’t leak.  “So you think that’s okay?”

“I think that’s really, really okay.  And you really, really  _ don’t _ need someone who tells you you’re a garbage brute, no matter what kind of crazy-ass superpowers she’s got.”

“I  _ am. _  But she also said that was all I’d ever be.  It would be nice to prove her wrong about that.”

Amethyst was quiet, holding onto her tight, although her breathing sounded angry.  When it became clear Jasper had finished what she was going to say, she said, “Yeah, we’ll prove her wrong.”

“I say all  _ that _ but I don’t know how I’ll feel when I see her again.  Really weird, if hearing her voice on the phone was anything to go by.  I’m going to try not to think too much about it.”

“Okay.”  Amethyst lay quiet for a while more before saying, “Jasper?”

“Hmm?”

“What did you and Pearl talk about?”

“Why I was up there.  How I felt.  She understood more about it than I thought.  I had a little asshole moment where I was, like,  _ offended _ that a Pearl understood me like that.  Why am I still like that?”

“Iunno.”

“But then I was just really glad to have her there.  She’s so kind.  We’re definitely finding her the best and most bodacious woman available.  Maybe the top three.”

“I respect your ambition, but you crazy.”  Amethyst squeezed her tighter briefly and snuggled down beside her.  “G’night, pork chop.”

“Good night, hot dog.”

 

The next day had just begun and seemed to be off to a good start, with Steven cooking scrambled eggs, Amethyst eating the eggshells, and Jasper sitting hunched over Steven’s laptop, scrolling through pages of what for some reason were called homecoming dresses.  She had just decided that a high-low skirt just above the knee in the front and mid-calf at the back would be the basis of her next attempt when a large shadow moved across the front windows, catching all of their attention, and a moment later the screen door was barged open and Lapis Lazuli stood in the doorway, her eyes wide.

For a moment everyone froze.  Eggs sizzled.  Jasper considered the best position in the room to make her stand and draw fire away from Steven and Amethyst.  She was about to move when the warp pad flared up and Peridot staggered off it crying, “Lapis  _ wait,  _ it was  _ hypothetical!”   _ She stopped, took in the fact that Jasper was plainly visible in the middle of the room, and slumped.  “Ugh.”

“Cone of silence, dude,” Amethyst muttered reproachfully.  She slid off her stool at the breakfast bar and hurried over to Jasper’s side.  Jasper was trying to signal her away when she saw Steven had turned off the burner under the egg pan and was carefully making his way between her and Lapis.  His back was to Jasper and his hands outstretched, palms up.  He didn’t have his shield out, but he was clearly trying to protect her, and he shouldn’t have to  _ do _ that.  Her legs just weren’t helping her to get up.

“Hi, Lapis,” Steven said, his voice cracking a little bit.  Lapis stood still except for her chest rising and falling rapidly.

“I should go,” she said, but stayed where she was.

“This can be okay,” Steven said, “if we all keep calm.”

“I’m so sorry, Amethyst,” Peridot moaned.  “I was trying to sound her out for you.  I was being subtle!”

“Not the time, Per,” said Amethyst, still with her eyes fixed on Lapis.

“Are you all right?” Lapis asked.  It took a moment for Jasper to understand she was speaking to her.  

She unstuck her tongue from the roof of her mouth as she got to her feet and stood straight, head up and shoulders back.  “Yes.”

“I wanted you to stay away from Steven,” Lapis said.

“Well, he came and found me.”

“I mean that’s why I hit you last time.”

“I don’t care about that.”  She felt disappointed in Lapis, lying to her face.  It seemed weak.  She wished she’d thought more about this last night after all; she had nothing prepared.  At least she had her eyes on.  Her hands closed into fists and she felt stronger.

“What are you doing here, Jasper?” Lapis asked, her voice tightly controlled.

She wanted to say “Designing a dress” just to confuse her.  The urge to be not just rude but flippant was really startling her.  Did it mean she wasn’t intimidated or that she’d lost her grip on the situation?  “I live here now,” she said stolidly.  “And I don’t want anything from you.  Leave me in peace and I’ll return the favour.”

Lapis looked uneasy; her eyes darted from Jasper’s face to Steven’s.  “Steven,” she said, “what’s going on?”

“I… don’t know how much Peridot has told you…” he faltered.

“Hypothetically,” groaned Peridot, who was kneeling with her head on the floor.

“But Jasper is better now.  She’s feeling a lot calmer and stronger.  She’s not corrupted any more and she doesn’t want to hurt anyone.  We want her to stay.”

Lapis was still holding the door handle.  She slowly unwrapped her hand from it and stepped away a little, letting the door stand open behind her.  “You’re not going to ask me to fuse with you again?”

“I would have to be insane,” Jasper said, which was harsh but in her opinion accurate.  She was starting to think she  _ hadn’t _ been quite sane when she’d made that proposal, comparing how she felt looking at Lapis now with how she’d felt then.  Then everything had been hope and need and she’d overlooked the way Lapis shrank away from her, because surely she only needed to feel Jasper’s enthusiasm to rediscover her own.  Now she saw Lapis’ caution and felt her contempt.  Her bare feet were poised on the floor, one heel up, ready to pivot on that toe and flee.  

_ Is she afraid of  _ me?  She reassessed the situation.  Lapis probably could draw water from the shore; what was that, around a hundred metres from where they stood now?  Less?  It would take a few seconds to fly into the house.  What water was there in this room?  Some dishwater in the sink?  It would be hard to hurt her with that.  So Lapis was feeling vulnerable.  She lacked weapons.  

Her eyes darted to Steven again and back to Jasper, and she lowered her heel, though she was still visibly tense all over.  “Well, that’s good,” she said warily.  “It wouldn’t be good for either of us.  I tried to tell you that.”

“Shortly before you punched me over the horizon to show how much you cared,” Jasper snapped.  She bit her lip.  She hadn’t wanted to say that.   _ I’m giving her power over me if I go after things like that.  It only feels like I’m scoring some kind of point.  It’s an illusion, it’s a waste of everything I put into it.   _ “You don’t have to pretend you’re concerned about me.  You don’t have to do anything about me being here.  I’m no threat to you or to Steven.  Or Peridot.  That’s everyone you care about, so you can go.”

“That’s not fair,” Lapis said, her voice tightening.  “I am concerned about you.  I know what I did to you was wrong.  I don’t know what you want me to have done.  I couldn’t be the one to help you recover from what  _ I _ did to you.”

_ You didn’t even try, _ Jasper thought, but this time managed not to say.   _ You went back to your nice new life and I bet you never thought about me again till Peridot put her foot in it. _

“I think Jasper might feel better, and you might feel better too, if you told her you’re sorry,” Steven said gently.  There was a silence.  Lapis looked at her feet.

“I’m sorry,” she said in a low voice.  “I won’t do that to you again.  I don’t want to do that to  _ anyone _ again.  I am really trying not to be that person any more.  It’s not fair for you to come back and turn my friends against me.”

“No no no,” Steven said frantically.  “It’s not a good apology if you follow it with an accusation.”

“I’m not against you!” Peridot said, indignant.  “I never will be!”

“Amethyst?” Lapis asked.

Amethyst had been hiding behind the curtain of her hair again.  She shook it back and folded her arms, her shoulders hunched.  “I’m not your friend,” she said.  “I’m Peridot’s friend and she loves you, so I try to get along with you.”

_ That _ had actually hurt Lapis; Jasper could see it in her eyes and she was astonished.  It wasn’t as satisfying to see Lapis hurt as she would have thought.  She also wouldn’t have thought she gave a damn about Amethyst.  Amethyst should be even lower in her eyes than Jasper because she was rough and brutish and  _ short. _

“I thought all three of us were close,” Lapis said.

“Well… then I shouldn’t have been so fake.  I was trying to make Peridot happy.  It was a mistake.  I’m sorry.  Sorry, Peridot.”  Amethyst was drawing in on herself, holding her elbows.  Jasper abruptly realised she could  _ do _ something about it and put her arm around Amethyst’s shoulders, trying to send the kind of warmth through her hand that Amethyst had given her during that phone call.  Steven looked in need of it too; he was dragging his fingers down over his cheeks in anguish.

“Why would you do that?” Peridot asked, her voice a pained squeak.  “What about the marathons, what about the meepmorp?  Were you  _ pretending _ to have fun with us?”

“I wasn’t pretending, it’s really complicated.  I didn’t want to lose you so I thought I just had to try…”

“How could you lose me?  You  _ know _ how I feel about you.  Don’t you?  I keep trying to show you, am I doing it all wrong?”

_ When did this turn into Peridot and Amethyst’s relationship drama?  Actually, this feels marginally better than my own mess being centre stage.  I wish I knew what to say to help them out.   _ Without really thinking about the fact that she was lowering herself in front of Lapis, Jasper crouched down beside Amethyst.  “It sounds like both of you really care about each other,” she said.  “Maybe you’ve got messed up because you’re new at this?  I’m new at having friends and I’ve made some stupid mistakes.”

“What,” said Lapis, her voice becoming a little shrill, “you’re  _ counselling _ them now?  Relationship advice from  _ Jasper?” _

“Yes!” Amethyst shouted, tears in her eyes.  “Here’s a really good piece of relationship advice, don’t go crawling back to somebody who treated you like dirt!  She had to learn that one the hard way!  How dare you make fun of her?  She is  _ trying!” _

“I’m sorry,” Lapis said faintly.

“Yeah, you should be, you —”

Jasper cut her off, twisting round to crouch in front of her, half-thinking she must be insane again to turn her back to Lapis but knowing Steven would cover it.  “Shh, shh.  Don’t get into that.  It’s not worth it.  I love that you’ll fight for me but I don’t want you to.  Okay?”

Amethyst stniffed hard and scrubbed at her eyes with the back of her hand.  “Okay,” she mumbled.  “This sucks so much, J, I don’t know what to do.  Feels like I wrecked everything.”

_ Oh great, now I’m going to cry too. _  “We’ll think of something,” Jasper said, trying to smile although her lips were doing that stupid trembly thing.  Amethyst was looking over her shoulder, and she gave a sudden convulsive sob and then folded up with a small, wretched whining sound.  Jasper bundled her arms around her and looked back; Peridot had gone over to Lapis and taken her hand, but she looked distraught to see Amethyst crying.  And Lapis did too.  That was the incredible part,  _ Lapis _ was upset because people were hurting.

“I’m all right, Peridot; take care of Amethyst,” Lapis said quickly.  Jasper lifted her arm just in time; Peridot was under it like a shot and putting her arms around Amethyst and crying into her hair.  Jasper rocked back on her heels, not sure what to do now.  She looked at Steven again; he just looked stunned.

“Steven, I’m so sorry I came here without thinking and caused all this… drama,” Lapis said, clutching two handfuls of her skirt.

“I’m still your friend,” he blurted.  “Can I be your friend and Jasper’s too?  You’re both really important to me.”

“Yes,” she said, “yes, of course you can.  I really think I should go.”

“You shouldn’t walk away from this too,” he said, holding out his hands to her and then pulling them back in as if he was afraid he’d said the wrong thing.  “I mean I don’t want you to go.  This isn’t going right, we wanted to do it when we were all ready, but we’re  _ here _ now.”

“I’m not sure what you think we can do now,” Lapis said, putting her hand to her forehead.

“I can tell you I’m sorry too,” Jasper said quickly.   _ Don’t ask me what for, I don’t have a good answer, just understand I’m doing this for Steven.   _ She stared into Lapis’ eyes, willing her to get that.  “I’m sorry I wouldn’t take no for an answer,” she said, a thought slipping into place.  “I’m sorry I was part of making you feel trapped again.  I’ve been angry but I don’t want to hurt you.  I don’t want us to be enemies and I don’t expect us to be friends.  I won’t ask you for anything except this.  Can we declare peace?”  She offered her hand.

Lapis stared at it, and Jasper could already hear her rejection in her head.  “Peace,” she said, and touched Jasper’s hand.  She didn’t try to grasp it, which would have been impossible, but she pressed their palms together.  Her hand was cold and shaking.  “Jasper, I am… I am so  _ disgusted _ by what I became with you.  Not disgusted with  _ you,”  _ she added hastily.  “It’s  _ me. _  I made us into a monster and I enjoyed hurting someone who couldn’t escape, as if that did anything for how much I’d been hurt except to create one more hurt person.  I hate seeing that about myself and I get cold and angry and…”  She shook her head.  “I will leave you in peace.  I want you to be okay.”

“I want you to be okay too,” Jasper said, and managed to mean it, at least for now.  

Steven hurried up to Lapis and hugged her round the waist.  She held her arms out stiffly for a moment before placing her hands awkwardly on his head, patting his hair.

Jasper looked away and saw Peridot and Amethyst still clinging together.  They seemed to have run through the heavy crying and were in the sniffing and hiccuping stage.

“I’m sorry about the cone,” Peridot mumbled.  

“I’m sorry about the being stupid and fake,” Amethyst said.

“You’re not stupid.”

Amethyst snorted and gave a watery smile.  “Ah, man.  I’m a mess.”  She leaned back a bit and wiped her eyes.

“Do you think…” Peridot said, trailing off.

“What?”

“Do you think maybe you could try again with Lapis?  Not trying to get along with her for me, seeing if you can like  _ her? _  You — I feel bad telling you things she told me alone but if she didn’t make it clear to  _ you, _ you’re really important to her.  She always looks forward to you coming over and thinks about what you’ll want to do and when you’re not there she’ll remember funny things you said or — or we talk about how cool and fun and great you are all the time.  I mean obviously I found you first and am your greatest admirer but she’s a pretty big fan too.”

“I just don’t know yet.  Can we wait till the dust settles?”

“Peridot,” Lapis said, taking a step nearer, “thank you, but it’s like you’re asking Amethyst to like me back out of obligation for how much I like her.  Amethyst, I didn’t — well, I certainly didn’t know how close you and Jasper are now, I couldn’t have, but I completely understand if you can’t be friends with someone who did what I did to someone you love.  I just hope now some things are settled you don’t have to feel your loyalties are divided any more.  It’s all right, I’ll stay out of the way so you two can be together.  I…”  She passed her hand over her forehead again.  “I really want to go home now.  I’m sorry about all the trouble.  Good luck, Jasper.  Thank you, Steven.  Excuse me.”  She hurried over to the warp pad, Peridot staring after her with her mouth half open.

“You should go with her,” Amethyst said.  She leaned in again and hugged Peridot tight.  “She needs you.  You want to come over tomorrow?”

“Yes, can I?”

“You better.  Go on, we’ll figure out the deets later.”

When they had gone Steven sagged down to sit on the floor.  “Okay,” he said, “that was  _ exhausting.” _  He pulled out his phone and looked at the time.  “It’s five to nine and I wanna go back to sleep.”

“You were a champ, Stee-man,” Amethyst said, wiping her nose.  “Kept it together when we were all losing it.”

_ “You _ were really good telling Peridot to go with Lapis.”

“I  _ really _ didn’t want to but I’d feel like crap if I didn’t.  Lapis sent  _ her _ over to  _ me. _  How’re you doing, Big J?”  She turned to Jasper.

_ “Tired,” _ said Jasper with deep feeling.  “I never want to go through all that again.  I guess I don’t have to.”

“Do you feel better with the apology?” Steven said hopefully.

Jasper thought about it.  “I think I’m with Garnet on this one,” she said.  “I think not having any more problems with her for a while is going to make me feel better more than the word ‘sorry’ does.  Finally everyone  _ knows _ , there’s no more having to think about the next big reveal.  That feels better.  And — I think what actually made me feel better was seeing how she reacted with Amethyst.  Not that I felt better seeing her get hurt, I just never saw a kind side of her before.  Knowing it’s there I feel easier.  Hot dog, if you want to try again with her don’t hold back on my account.  Though I understood what you meant about the dust settling.  Oh, also feeling better, if they  _ do _ show up at the Snow Ball I can just stay on the other side of the room, I’m not going to be worried about some kind of confrontation.  Or spoiling for a fight.”

“You  _ are _ coming to the ball?” Steven asked, brightening up visibly.  “I know that’s not the main point here but yay!”

_ “I _ am going so Amethyst will go and we’re both going to try to get Pearl to go.”

“Then we’ll have everyone!”

“And Pearl will be looking  _ extra _ fine in her tuxedo and we’re gonna just sorta gently  _ shove _ her in the direction of cute girls,” Amethyst said.  “Not  _ make _ her do anything.  Remind her she  _ can.” _

“What about Mystery Girl?” Steven asked.

“Ohmygosh, we haven’t updated him about Mystery Girl!” Amethyst exclaimed.  “Jasper found out her  _ name!” _

“Holy smokes!”

“I know!”

It was a total sidetrack, but one that Jasper welcomed now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _Wow_ I tried to resolve a lot in one big burst. I wonder what _that_ could be a reaction to. (eyes Steven Missile Strike) I need to stop sitting up so late to write this stuff, I go back to work the day after tomorrow. Expect much less productivity after that; you have been exposed to a sort of Back to Beta Bomb.  
>  The confrontation between Lapis and Jasper was awfully difficult to calibrate, and the way they both felt most natural to write was defensive but trying but then defensive again. Amethyst and Peridot's problems reared their head unexpectedly but I just sort of rolled with it.  
> Your cute image of the day is Peridot riding piggyback on Garnet and your weird image of the day is Peridot slithering to the floor and having to pass over Garnet's butt in the process. Bet that was an adventure.  
> By the way, finding out that someone who you thought was your close friend too was just getting along with you for the sake of your mutual friend kind of hurts like a hot spike through the guts. And the older you are when that happens the stupider you feel! Fun with incorporating one's own most miserable experiences into a work of fiction.


	22. Chapter 22

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which there is trouble, domesticity, pie, and more trouble.

Steven had never really understood the phrase “cautiously optimistic,” because as far as he was concerned if you were optimistic you  _ knew _ everything was going to work out for the best.  You weren’t cautious, you could just go.  Then over the last year or so he had sort of started to grasp what it meant.  You still  _ believed _ everything was going to work out for the best,  _ somehow, _ but you’d been bumped around enough by the stuff that happened  _ while  _ it was working out that you moved a little more carefully, like you had sore muscles.  You could point to all the examples of how things  _ had _ turned out well or got better and it was all absolutely worth it, but it did make you want to be a little gentle with yourself when you could.

And after all, people were counting on him, so he was really truly trying to take good care of himself so he’d be able to take care of them.  Good night’s sleep, balanced meals, time to train with Pearl and Connie and sometimes Jasper too, time to work on the ball plans, time when possible to do nothing.  Being this busy meant doing nothing was a more appealing leisure activity sometimes than even playing games or music.  He’d sit and stare at the rolling sea, or if he was feeling less ambitious, at the woodgrain in his bedroom ceiling, and just zone out for a while.  

Sometimes when he was doing that he’d think of Bismuth, and then he felt guilty all over again that he wasn’t doing anything for her, but the one consolation there was that he was pretty sure she was on pause.  Unless he  _ started _ going to her in dreams, she wouldn’t have to be aware that she was waiting.  That wasn’t an excuse to  _ keep _ her waiting but it did mean it wasn’t  _ bad _ to finish what he was doing now.  It could be his new year project.  Plus, considering how well things were developing for Jasper, it gave him more hope that things could turn out well for Bismuth.  In some ways bringing Bismuth back into the fold should be easier; she was already friends with the Crystal Gems and just so long as the whole being prepared to shatter people thing wasn’t going to be a sticking point… oh dear.  

But not long ago the history between Jasper and Lapis would have seemed like just as big of a sticking point, he reminded himself, and they had managed to get through a really difficult and unexpected meeting without  _ much _ open aggression and, he thought, had both honestly tried to do the right thing.  There had been moments when it seemed like Jasper wouldn’t accept Lapis’ attempts, or Lapis wouldn’t accept Jasper’s, and he wasn’t going to kid himself they were  _ comfortable _ with each other now, but they had both agreed to peace and that was a really good start.  Peace was a lot more than the “formal truce” Jasper had talked about; a truce had built into it the idea that you could call it off and go back to fighting but peace was intended to last.  

He was  _ cautiously optimistic _ that once peace was well established and they felt secure in it, they would be able to find a way to be friends.  Or hmm, maybe good neighbours would be a helpful in-between step.  At least people who could see each other around and not worry about it.  

He felt so bad for Lapis about the Amethyst thing, too.  He knew why Amethyst had behaved the way she did and there was no meanness to it but it still wasn’t fair to Lapis to let her think she had another friend when she didn’t.  He was impressed that Lapis was being such a good sport about it.  One late morning, though, as he was sitting by the lighthouse and looking out at the sea and feeling pleasantly calm and blank, like the silvery surface of the water today, she came swooping down to sit beside him.

“Lapis!” He would have  _ liked  _ to spend longer in the calm but he  _ was _ happy to see her.  “How are you?”

“All right,” she said, settling on the grass with her skirt spread out around her in a puddle of blue.  “I went out for a flight and saw you and thought some company would be nice.  I hope I’m not disturbing you.”

“Nope, I’m a little traumatised but not disturbed yet,” he said with a big smile.

She gave a laugh that was almost a sneeze, raising her shoulders.  “Oh, that was funny but dark.  Don’t be too dark, Steven, you’re one of nature’s sunbeams.”

“Okay.  Say, can I change you from maybe to yes yet?  We still have tickets but they’re selling fast.”

“Hmm… let me know when they’re close to selling out, then the last-minute pressure will magically reveal to me what I really want to do.”  She drew up her knees and wrapped her arms around them.  “Also, I’m pretty sure Amethyst and Peridot want to go together so I probably shouldn’t.”

“Aw, no, it’s going to be a big event, you don’t have to stay away.  There’s room for everyone.”

“She’s at our place now.  I feel so  _ stupid _ every time I think about her, and I’m trying so hard not to hate her because the whole reason this hurts is that I really  _ like _ her.  At first I thought  _ I _ was just trying to be nice because she was Peridot’s friend but then I found out how funny and weird and fearless she is, and I love playing with her hair, and it made me feel… as if I was better than I’d thought I was, if I could get past my anger with Peridot and be close to her, and  _ then _ with Amethyst, even though… well, I don’t think I blame her for the mirror time as much as the others.  She’s always been sort of a junior partner, hasn’t she?”

“Mmhm.”

“So now I  _ miss _ Amethyst but I’m angry with her too and I keep having to tell myself, you can’t punish Amethyst.  First it would be cruel, and second you can’t  _ punish _ someone into liking you again.  All you could do is force them to do what you want while really hating you and being afraid of you.  That’s far worse than just trying to get along with you while not really liking or trusting you.  So it would be pointless.  And what does it say about me that that second reason convinces me more than just the fact it would be cruel?”

“I don’t know,” Steven said uneasily.  “Maybe it means you think of all the angles?  Or you like a detailed reason better than a simple one?  I think that’s something you could actually have in common with Jasper, she likes to ask ‘why’ until she gets right down into the details.”

“Is Jasper planning to go to the ball?  Because if I spent the evening trying to keep out of the way of both Peridot and Amethyst  _ and _ her I don’t know what I’d actually be there  _ for.” _

“Me!  Music and dancing and fun!  And you’d have a chance to meet new people and make new friends.”

“Like who?”

“I could introduce you to my Beach City friends, like Lars and Sadie!”

“Oh, humans?”  She wrinkled her nose a little.

“I’m a human and you like me okay.”

“It’s a little different, Steven.  They’re  _ not _ like us.”

“You live in a home built by humans and you watch TV made by humans and you make art out of things used by humans,” he pointed out.  “You might be closer to them than you think.  You could try meeting some more of them.”

“I can just see how that would go,” she said, rolling her eyes.  “Hello, I was part of a project to convert your world to the purposes of an alien race which would have rendered it uninhabitable by your species, and remember last summer when the ocean disappeared for a while?  Also me!  Do you like  _ Camp Pining Hearts?” _

“That would not be great to lead with,” Steven admitted.  “You don’t  _ have _ to say all that.  Not that you should hide who you are, but you can give people a chance to get to like you first.”

“Will Greg be there?” she asked a little abruptly.

“Yeah, definitely.  He’s going to play some songs at the start but the rest of the night he’ll just be there to have fun like everyone else.”

“I could talk to Greg, then,” she said thoughtfully.  “At least I already know him and  _ he _ already knows the worst.  From his point of view, anyway.”

“Good idea!  My dad is  _ lots _ of fun.”

“He won’t wear… those things, will he?”

“What things?”

“On his legs.”

“Oh!  No, jorts are not ball attire.  He’s going to wear a really sharp suit we got in Empire City.”

“Okay.  You didn’t actually say.   _ Is _ Jasper planning to go?”

“She and Amethyst are going to go  _ if _ they can get Pearl to go.  I don’t know if they’ve got that fixed up yet.”

Lapis frowned.  “Do you mean Jasper and Amethyst are going to go to the ball together with Pearl, instead of Amethyst going together with Peridot?”

“I think it’s just that they’ll all be  _ going,  _ not as dates.  You don’t have to have a date to go.”

“Date?  I thought you’d chosen the date weeks ago.  Peridot put it on the calendar in her tablet.”

“Oh!  No, sorry, maybe Gems don’t say it the same way.  You  _ make _ a date with someone when you plan to go out and do something special with them.  And while you’re doing that, they’re your date.  If you do that a lot the two of you are dating.  I’m going to ask Connie to be  _ my _ date for the ball.  I should  _ do _ that, I’m just trying to work out the best way to ask because it’ll be the first time.”

“Oh, okay,” Lapis said.  “We do have that but I haven’t heard it called that before.  You’d just say you’ve made plans with them or you’re going out with them.”

A gust of wind blew over them, ruffling their hair and tugging Lapis’ ribbon, and a few moments later the surface of the sea shivered too.  A general sighing came from the grass and leaves around them, and when Steven looked up he could see dark clouds moving in.  “You want to go in the lighthouse?  It’s Ronaldo’s secret conspiracy lair, but it’s okay if we hang out there.”

“No, thanks.  If it’s going to rain I want to go up and fly around in it.  I love flying through raindrops.  You should hurry home, I think this is going to be a real downpour.”

“Okay.”  He hugged her quickly before getting to his feet.  “Hang in there, Lapis.  I know it’s hard about Amethyst but I don’t think it’s gonna stay this way.  I’ll talk to you soon.”

“Bye, Steven.”

As he ran down the path ahead of the rain he looked back over his shoulder and saw a small blue figure ascending into the dark clouds.

The rain hit him just as he was running up the steps to the deck; he burst in through the front door with his sweater soaking wet already and exclaimed “Blah!”  The lights were on and the house smelled wonderful; buttery pastry baking and warm spices.  Pies were in progress; Pearl was in the kitchen and Jasper was leaning in over the breakfast bar and trying to learn how to crimp the edges in pretty pinches.

“Oh Steven!” Pearl exclaimed.  “Stand right there, I’ll bring a towel.”  She scurried to get it while Jasper, scowling in concentration and with the tip of her tongue very slightly protruding, went on carefully pinching around the edge of the pie.  She had flour on her nose.

“Hey Jasper,” he said cheerily.

“Hey drip,” she said.

“Aha.  Good one.”  He was slightly smothered by the towel as Pearl attempted to dry his head and shoulders.  “Whatcha making?” he asked when he could breathe and see.

“Pumpkins were on special and Jasper was curious about what they were used for,” Pearl said, “so we’re making pumpkin pies but  _ currently _ in the oven is a special treat.  We made the pumpkin and herring pot pie from that witchcraft movie you like so much!  Jasper said you’d been talking about how good the food looked when she watched it with you and she cleverly managed to find a recipe on your information network.  I hope it tastes as good as it looks; I won’t know but it’s one of those lovely  _ layered _ pies with pastry decorations on top that are so satisfying to put together.”

“That sounds  _ amazing.”   _ He felt hungry just hearing about it and could imagine how good a hot, rich serving of pie topped with flaky golden pastry and bubbling with fish and pumpkin would look, sound, smell, taste  _ and _ feel for a rainy-day lunch. 

“Can I get a Pearl Point for Pie?” Jasper asked.  “I’ve still got a couple of blank columns.  Pie seems like a good one.”

“I am tempted,” said Pearl.  “Let me see that one you’ve just finished.”  She walked over and gave it a very thorough, narrow-eyed inspection while Jasper looked mildly nervous and wiped her hands on her apron.   _ “Very _ nice,” Pearl said at last.  Jasper actually beamed; one of her rare big open smiles, always higher on one side.  “Even and symmetrical.  If you like, you can cut a little decorative shape from the trimmings to lay on top of the filling.  Don’t take too long making it perfect, though, the pot pie will be out soon.  Steven, go and put on dry clothes.  Although the common human cold is caused by a rhinovirus rather than a drop in body temperature, getting chilled  _ does _ lower your resistance to infection.  And if you need to sneeze —”

“Cubital fossa,” he said dutifully.

“Oh, you remembered!  Good.”

When he came back down in clean dry clothes Pearl was delightedly telling Jasper not to be so  _ cheeky _ and Jasper was laughing and protesting that it was a  _ tribute; _ she had cut her decorative pastry piece into the shape of a Pearl Point, complete with little eyes and smile.  She was fending Pearl off with her elbows (not very hard) while Pearl tried (not very hard) to snatch the pastry point off the surface of the pie as Jasper put it into the oven.

The thought hit him with the same sort of warmth and delight as the smell of the pot pie that was now steaming on the kitchen counter:   _ Those two are in love.  We don’t need to get Pearl to the ball to meet new women, we need to get her to the ball to have a wonderful time with Jasper in a romantic setting and realise she loves her! _

_ Plus, how convenient.  Right on site already.  _

_ Plus  _ plus,  _ it honestly made me uncomfortable how much Mystery Sheena looked like Mom.  Even if she’s nothing like her on the inside, apart from (I hope) being a good kind person, and the resemblance was just what Pearl needed to get her started liking her, it just felt… creepy?  Not  _ creepy _ creepy… off.  Jasper is different enough that it doesn’t feel like that!  Like, also big and strong with big pretty hair, but otherwise no.  Should I say something?  No, no, play it cool, Steven.  It’ll feel so much more special if they get to discover it for themselves.  I just need to make like a little Jamaican crab or a French candlestick and help them along.   _

“You look happy,” Pearl said, wiping her hands with a paper towel.  

“Looking forward to  _ this _ ,” he said, getting a big serving spoon from the kitchen drawer and approaching the pie.  

“Oh wait!   Wait, I just want to have one more look at it before you break the surface.”  She clasped her hands under her chin and bent over the big ceramic pie dish, gazing in like it was a new baby's crib.  “The pastry just browned so beautifully.”

“Why don't I take a picture of it?” he offered, digging out his phone.  “Click!  There, you can look at it whenever.  You know, people do this all the time.”

“Do what?  Photograph their food?”

“Yeah, and share the pictures online.”

“What an odd thing to do,” Pearl said, then “Where do they share them?”

“Lots of sites, I guess Instagram is the biggest.”

“And there's no… requirement to eat the food?  You're just admiring how it looks?”

“Well, most of us  _ do _ eat the food but it's not like you have to check a box saying you solemnly swear you ate this food to be able to upload.  Though sometimes you have to promise you’re not a robot.”

“Hmm.”

“You should do that,” Jasper said, sidling out of the kitchen space with care.  “Your food always looks beautiful.”

“Taftef goog too,” Steven said with his mouth full.  It was a near-heavenly pie.  He’d never been sure how Pearl could make food so good without even being willing to taste it herself — you’d expect it to look good but taste boring or even bad — but whatever she did she could keep doing it.  

“And you're allowed to  _ look _ at everyone else's  food pictures?” Pearl went on, as if probing for the catch. 

“Allowed to?  They  _ want _ you to, that's why they post them.  And they put tags on them to help you find the kinds you like, like pie.”

“I’m far too busy to look at pictures of pie,” Pearl said decisively, and started cleaning up the kitchen. 

“Oh, let me,” said Jasper, leaning back in.  

“No, you should try the pie while it's hot.  I rely on you two for feedback.  I wonder when Amethyst will be back?   That determines whether we have leftovers for tomorrow.”

“She went to the barn to see Peridot,” Steven reported.  

“She told me they were going to do an experiment where she eats Mentos and then chugs Diet Coke and film it for the Internet,” said Jasper, carefully scooping out about a quarter of the pie onto a plate.  “They want to get a virus.”

“Go viral,” Steven gently corrected her.  

“They also wanted me to break various objects from Am’s room with my thighs, but the cinderblock was too scratchy and I got bored.  A pumpkin would be funny, though.”

“Jasper, that is not appropriate mealtime conversation,” said Pearl, “or probably any time,” she added a little faintly.  

“Oh, sorry.  This is a seriously good pie, though, the fish is really tender and flaky and the pumpkin is sweet and the white sauce makes everything sort of gish together.  And I like how the bottom sheet of pastry is crisp outside and just a little bit slimy on the inside.  We bought whole fish by mistake,” Jasper added to Steven, “so I had to gut them.  It was revolting but interesting.  How do you stand knowing all that's inside you?”

“By not thinking about it.  You can't feel most of it most of the time, anyway.  Jasper?  It doesn't really bother me, but most humans don't like to hear about guts or slime while they're eating.  Or thighs, usually.”

“Oh, okay,” she said, nodding and shrugging one shoulder as if to say it took all kinds.  

“Do you get to talk to a lot of humans when you go out?” he asked, growing curious to compare her with Lapis.  

“I see them but there's no reason to talk to most of them.  Pearl usually does the talking because she's the expert.”

“Oh, you should sometime.  Everyone is interesting!  Some people take a little longer to  open up and show it than others.  I could introduce you to people — Pearl, could we take Jasper for a walk into town later if the weather clears up?”

Pearl paused in wiping down the countertop and tilted her head thoughtfully.  “Actually, I think I could deputise  _ you _ to take her.  Would you like to do that?  I trust you both together; Steven can help you with anything unfamiliar, Jasper.”

“If you're sure,” Jasper said, looking surprised.  

“We’ll call it… you’ve earned a Pearl Privilege!  Yes, I like that.  As distinct from Prize Pouch rewards, they can be awarded at my discretion.  A little treat for you, because you're working hard.  You should see her making the icicle centrepieces, Steven, she's got amazingly quick and deft.”

“For a Quartz with sausage fingers,” Jasper muttered, but she looked quietly pleased.  

“You're doing centrepieces too?”

“I’ve got  _ ideas _ ,” said Pearl.  “I went to the library — either they’ve forgotten about Rose’s life ban or it didn't apply to  _ me _ — and found several useful books and magazines.”

“Oh, and I found the Alanna books Connie was talking about,” Jasper said happily. 

“Did you… get library cards?” Steven asked.  

“Of course not, Steven; how could we?  I did ask, but they require some identification and proof of where we live and apparently ‘you can ask the mayor’ isn't good enough.”

“So did you just — please tell me you didn't steal library books!”  Connie would be horrified. 

“Again, of course not!  We're just borrowing them, as we have every right to do, if not for a  somewhat discriminatory system.  I’ll take them back when we’ve finished with them.  I’ll even put them back on the same shelves to save the librarians the trouble.”

“But how did you get them out of the library?  Connie showed me, each book has a special tag in it and when you borrow books properly the librarian runs it over a… thing that deactivates it.  If you try to carry a book out without that, the scanner at the door sounds an alarm and everyone stares at you and you  _ die _ of  _ shame _ .”

“Oh?” said Pearl archly.  “I didn't hear any alarm.  Did you perchance hear an alarm, Jasper?”

“I did not,” replied Jasper stolidly, capturing stray flakes of pastry from her plate by dabbing her forefinger down on them. 

“How did you pull that off?” Steven asked, trying to be stern.  

“I used my  _ head,” _ said Pearl with immeasurable smugness, and then began to giggle.  Jasper gave a kind of rumbling snort of laughter and muttered “Nice one.”

“You  _ guys!   _ You can't do heists at the  _ library!” _

“Where should we do them?” Jasper asked, grinning like a tiger.  

“Jasper is such a good accomplice,” Pearl said, still giggling.  “She distracted the librarian by pretending to be very polite but extremely stupid at the photocopier.  She did everything but try to copy her own head.  Any sudden bright lights would have appeared to be the result of her messing around.  When I had everything safely tucked away I just tipped her the wink and sauntered out and she followed me.”

“So you got away with it?”

“Yes — you see, the storage compartment in my head is a small pocket dimension.  Objects inside aren't occupying the same space-time as we are, so they were entirely hidden from the alarm.  Please try not to look so scandalised, Steven, it's hardly shoplifting.”

“Well, you have to put them back!  What will Connie think?”

“Will Connie think this is bad?” Jasper asked, her grin fading. 

“Yes, very bad!”

“Don't worry about it, Jasper,” Pearl said, patting her arm.  “We’ll take them all back soon and now we know Steven feels strongly about this we can just… we’ll refrain in future.”

“Well… good,” Steven said, a trifle lamely.  He returned his attention to the pie before it could get cold.  

The rain continued a couple of hours more, sending an almost uninterrupted curtain of water sliding down the windows.  Pearl disappeared to her room after the pumpkin pies came out of the oven and Steven and Jasper lay on the floor using a side of Lion each as a shared pillow (Steven won the paper-scissors-rock for soft fluffy belly side; Jasper, as was by now tradition, pointed out that wrapping  _ her _ in paper wouldn’t stop her), reading.  The rain eventually grew lighter but continued.

“Don’t think it’s going to stop,” Jasper said after a while.  “I guess I forfeit my Pearl Privilege.  Maybe she’ll let me trade it in for points.”

“No!  It’s not that heavy, I’m just gonna put on my raincoat and boots.  I’m fired up for this now.  And still fuelled by pie.”  He got up and ran to fetch his wet-weather gear.

“You have little… birds?  On your boots,” Jasper observed, bending to peer at them while she fingercombed her hair back and tied it in a knot.

“Ducks!  You’re getting better at Earth animal ID.”  He held one foot out for her to admire.

“They’re pretty stylised.  I’m impressed I got that close.”

“Do you want an umbrella or anything?” he offered.

“No, I just don’t want wet hair hanging in my eyes.  Let’s go, then.”

They trudged across the damp beach, their boots acquiring thick overshoes of wet sand, the rain pattering loudly on Steven’s hood.  He wondered if Lapis was still up among the rainclouds or if she’d have got tired by now.  He hoped she didn’t feel like she couldn’t go home at all while Amethyst was over.

“Jasper, can I ask you kind of a personal question?”

“Why not?”  

“Well, I guess it’s a sensitive subject, but I wondered how you feel about water.  You’ve said it’s not your favourite thing in the world, but not the worst.  I always wondered why, after you were trapped under the ocean so long and had such a bad time there, you went back.”

“Seriously?  I thought you knew it was because I was hoping to find Lapis.  It just seemed like the most logical place to look — and I did find her in the end, it was just a horrible mistake.”

“That’s what I thought about that part, but after that you were  _ still _ hanging out in the ocean and I couldn’t understand why.”

“Oh, that.”

“Yeah, that.”

“I don’t like thinking about that because it was so pathetic.”

“You don’t have to say then, sorry I brought it up.”

“No, I’ll get it off my chest.  Okay.  When you’re down really deep in the ocean, the water pressure is really strong.  There’s just so much of it on top of you.  I could feel it on Malachite’s body,  _ strong, _ the whole time.  She moved us around to keep me off balance but it was always deep until near the end when she got interested in that island and wasn’t as focused any more, and I eventually got some control.  I was really used to that feeling of pressure and after I was alone I missed it just as much as I missed her always being there, even if she was a nightmare.  Going back down into the depths and feeling that pressure made me feel a little like I was still with her.”

“Oh, wow.”  He turned, walking backwards and looking up at her.

“Oh, that’s not the  _ most _ pathetic thing.  When I was in my bubble, that creepy chain of mine?  When you and Amethyst weren’t there sometimes I’d wrap it around myself tight to feel like she was there.”

“Jasper… I’m  _ really _ sorry I brought this up, I didn’t realise how…”

She bent down with her hands on her knees and looked him in the eye, nose to nose.  “And I haven’t wanted to do that for a long time.  I have things now that are so much better, things that actually make me feel  _ good _ instead of only being able to make me feel a little less horrible.  All right?  You’re one of those things, so I don’t have to depend on weird things like water pressure and chains.  I don’t like thinking about how desperate I was then and what dumb things it made me do, but at least I can say I know how bad that was because I’m so much better off.”

He hugged her round the neck.  “I’m so glad.”

“Let’s keep walking, I may not hate water but I don’t plan to stand around in the rain longer than I have to.”

“Right.”  They trudged on round the point toward town until they could get up on the boardwalk and knock the wet sand off on the edge of it.  “Is Pearl another thing that makes you feel good instead of only a little less horrible?” he asked cunningly.

“Of course she is.  Apart from when I feel horrible about how arrogant I always was about her.  I had no idea how patient you guys were being.”

“We don’t want you to feel horrible, we just want you to be nice.  And here you are!  Being nice.”

“I should probably thank Garnet at some point except I never know if she was actually  _ trying _ to give me an amazing new friend or that’s just a weird side effect.”

“I bet it was the first one!  Oh, I see people I know!  Come on.”  He could see Buck, Jenny and Sour Cream were leaning against a closed store door that had an awning over it, sheltering from the rain and sharing a cup of fries.

“Wait!” Jasper said, catching hold of his shoulder as he rushed forward and spinning him round with his own momentum.  “What do I do?”

“I’ll make the introductions and all you need to do is give them a friendly smile and say hello.  You’ll be okay, you’re  _ much _ better at friendly smiles now.”

“Do they have designations or ranks I should know about?  I don’t want to insult them by accident.”

“Okay, they don’t have ranks, but I can tell you the girl on the end near us is Jenny Pizza.  Her family run Fish Stew Pizza, further down the boardwalk, and you’ve probably eaten pizza she’s made, so you nearly know her already.  In the middle is Buck Dewey.  His family, well, his dad is the mayor of Beach City and I don’t know his mom or anyone else.  And next to him is Sour Cream, and his mom is Amethyst’s old friend Vidalia and his little brother is my friend Onion  _ and _ his stepdad is  _ my _ dad’s friend Yellowtail  _ and _ his dad Marty (who we don’t like) used to be my dad’s manager years ago before I was born!”

Jasper blinked a few times.  “Does that make Sour Cream part of your family?  I lost track of all the dads there.”

“No, but it’s a small town, so you know.”  He shrugged.

“I thought dads were a one per person deal.”

“No, there’s a few ways to have more than one.  Heck,  _ you _ could even get a dad by adoption.  Every family’s different.  Oh, they see us!”  Jenny was waving.  “C’mon.”

“Hey Steven,” Jenny said as he got near them. 

“Hi you guys!”  Buck gave him a cordial nod and Sour Cream went “Hey.”

“Who’s your friend?”  Jenny looked up at Jasper, whose face was screened off by the awning until she stooped to duck her head under it.

“This is Jasper!  She’s new in town, but not exactly new on the planet.  She was made here on Earth thousands of years ago, she’s been away since then, and she got back just recently so she’s settling in.  Jasper, this is Jenny and Buck and Sour Cream.”

Sour Cream blinked.  “Didn’t I see you… come out of the ocean once?  With two… lions?  Or were they dogs?”

Jasper’s face, which had been giving a pretty decent interpretation of “friendly smile,” fell.  “Ah.  No, they’re not exactly either.”

“We had some  _ conflicts,” _ Steven said, “but we worked them out and now she’s our friend.  Amethyst and I call her our sister because we’re all Quartz Gems from Earth.”

“Cool,” said Buck.

“Good to meet you, Jasper,” said Jenny.

Jasper looked from one to another.  “You don’t mind about the, uh, incident?”

“If Steven says you’re cool you’re probably cool,” said Sour Cream.  “So it’s cool.”

“She’s cool,” said Steven, nodding firmly.  There was general assent that that was cool.  The rain pattered down.  Buck silently offered Jasper a fry, which she took and carefully ate.  

“Jasper is helping Pearl make the decorations for the Snow Ball,” Steven said, hoping to get the conversation rolling.  “How are  _ your _ plans coming along?”

“Gunga worked on Dad till he agreed Kiki and I  _ shall _ go to the ball,” Jenny said.  “I sort of can’t believe he said yes but it turns out Cousin Keith’s gonna be in town and got roped in, so we don’t have to take turns on the buffet.”

“Yay Cousin Keith!  I’ll make sure he gets a thank-you present as well as his pay for the night.  The Beach City Festivity Committee is a generous employer.”

“Better him than me,” Jenny said, grinning, “that's all I’m saying!  So Sour Cream, chiptune is fine but you have to put some metal in the playlist.”

“Fine,” he said heavily.  

“What kind of music do  _ you _ like, Jasper?” Jenny asked.  “Get your requests in quick.”

“Oh,” said Jasper, looking startled to be asked.  “I’m still working that out.  There's more of it that I thought.  So far I think the common thread is I like loud music with a heavy beat and a lot of bass in it.  What did you mean about metal?  Music made with metal instruments, like brass?”

“Steven!” Jenny said.  “How are you letting this poor child go without hearing any metal?  Don't worry, Jenny's here.  Heavy metal is a genre of rock music that started in the late 60s and you are gonna love it.  You’ve got ears under there, right?” 

Jasper's hair was escaping from its knot already and hanging around her face.  “Yes,” she said, hooking it back on one side.  

“Okay,” Jenny said, plugging earbuds into her phone and scrolling down the screen.  “Gonna get you started with if not the greatest, definitely  _ one of  _ the greatest metal songs of all time.  Give it a listen.  ‘Enter Sandman.’”  She reached up to put the buds in Jasper's ears, then pressed play.  At first Jasper just listened intently, scowling in concentration.  As the drums kicked in her eyes widened and her head bobbed involuntarily.  Jenny was grinning, nodding along.  “Go on!” she said, loud enough to be heard through the music.  “You know what to do.”

There was almost no one around on the Beach City boardwalk on a cold, wet afternoon in late November, which was a pity because they could have seen an eight-foot-tall bright orange woman ecstatically headbanging in the rain, which as Buck observed, you don't see every day.  

Jasper was bubbling over as they walked on afterwards; even though Steven had been right there and heard them arranging everything she couldn't stop herself  _ telling _ him all about how Jenny was going to take her to all kinds of concerts and they would be right in the front row with Jenny on her shoulders and summer was going to be amazing and she had this list (written on a piece of card torn from the side of the emptied fries cup, using Buck’s back as a writing-desk) of bands she was supposed to listen to, could he help her find their music?  Her excitement was so infectious he could only laugh in delight at how successful they'd been.  Jasper knew now that humans outside the Crystal Gem circle could accept her (admittedly it had been lucky they got to start with three of the most cheerfully chill people in Beach City) and even had a new human friend, and her email address.  

“Next stop, visit my dad, then we swing around and pick up the bits on the way home,” he declared.

“Oh, the  _ bits. _  I’ve heard too much about them.  When I see them it’s sure to be an anticlimax,” Jasper said.  “Are you  _ sure _ it’s a good idea to visit your dad?”

“Yes, don’t worry.  He already knows all about you, I talked to him and explained everything.  He was a little… I guess wistful?  Not exactly sad… anyway, he was glad I told him what was going on in the end.”

“I  _ know _ it’s supposed to mean I’ve grown and value other people’s perspectives more but I still feel so  _ weak _ when I find I’m worrying what some human I’ve never talked to thinks of me,” Jasper grumbled.  She unravelled such of her hair as was still tied up after the headbanging and finger-combed it again before re-knotting it.   “All right, I’m presentable.  He may think I’m a monster but at least I'm not a slob.”

“He won't think that.”

Greg was sitting in the back of his van, parked outside the car wash, with the doors open, watching the rain fall and plinking absent-mindedly on his guitar.  He looked up with a smile when Steven called out to him, and then further up with a look of mild awe as he noticed Jasper behind him.  

“You… have to be Jasper,” he said.  

“Suppose I do,” Jasper said. 

“It's good to finally meet you after hearing so much about you.  Steven really thinks a lot of you.”

Jasper cleared her throat awkwardly and went to one knee; she seemed to have settled on this as the best position for an apology.  Greg looked startled by the gesture.  

“I want to apologise for endangering your son.  I know he's precious to you and by now, well, he is to me too.   I'm sorry.  Also I think I damaged a boat of yours.  I didn't sink it, though.  But I’m sorry for my part of that.”

“That's… all right?” Greg said, his voice squeaking a little.   “You really don't have to do that, please get up.  Or sit down.  Whatever would be more comfortable.   Or you know what?  Let's get you both out of the rain.  You won't fit in here but come on.”  He jumped down from the tailgate and splashed through the puddles in through the big doorway of the drive-through car wash.  As they followed him in and he shook off the raindrops he’d accumulated on that short run he said, “I recognise the irony of taking you into a  _ car wash  _ to get you out of the rain.  It's about as dry as it gets in here, though.  Everyone’s using Nature’s car wash today.”

“Pretty neat, right?” Steven asked Jasper, nodding at the big spiral brushes.  “People drive their cars in here and it goes swish swish and washes them clean.  Or in my case, helps undo a pretty weird shapeshifting mishap.  I was trying to be a cat.”

“I can't do cats yet,” Jasper said sympathetically.  “I’ve been trying but I come out sort of blobby and cartoony and Amethyst calls me Garfield.  She wants me to get a cat right before I try for an owl because she says an owl is basically a cat that flies.  Not sure I see it myself, but she's the expert.”  She pulled the tail of hair that hung out of the knot over her shoulder and wrung the water out of it; it splattered to the floor with a sound like emptying a bucket.  She looked embarrassed at that.  

“Oh, Dad!” Steven exclaimed, trying to give her some cover.  “Jasper just found out she likes heavy metal music.”

“She’s certainly got the hair for it,” said Greg.  

“What's that mean?” Jasper asked, scowling.  Greg quailed. 

“Nothing?”

“Wait, wait, it's okay, both of you,” Steven said quickly.  “Dad, this?   Is Jasper's confused face.  She just  _ looks _ mad.  Plus she's only  _ heard _ heavy metal music, she doesn't know about the hair yet.”

“Oh, okay.”

“I’m not going to  _ do _ anything to you,” Jasper said, her frown deepening.   “Even if you did insult my hair.  You're important to Steven.  And it's not as if I’d — look, you don't hit a human unless they make you.  We were supposed to ignore them.  And I know that's not some high ethical principle, it's because it's supposed to be beneath us, but… this is coming out really badly.  I won't hurt you, okay?  So don't be scared of me.  Connie's not, and she's far smaller than you.”

“Right.  Okay,” Greg said.  “Well.  Connie!  Great kid, isn't she?”

“She's  _ awesome,” _ Jasper said emphatically.  “I didn't realise you could get humans with fighting spirit like hers.  I mean, I wouldn't, because I just said I was trained to ignore them, but I’m still so impressed.”  

She stopped in mid-enthuse and looked around.  “Did you notice that?”

“Notice what?”

“Something’s coming,” Jasper said, taking a step back and looking around again, her hands closing into fists.  

“Dad, look,” said Steven, pointing.  The rubbery strands of the spiral brushes were swinging very slightly, as if there were a breeze, but the rain outdoors was falling straight down.

“That’s… weird,” said Greg.  

“It’s  _ under _ us,” Jasper said.

“How can you tell?” Steven asked.

“You can’t?” she asked, looking startled.

“Oh, whoa, no, I can feel it now.”  There was a tremor in the ground, rumbling through the soles of his feet.  

“Okay, earthquake drill, this is  _ not _ a good place to be, let’s get inside the office and get under the desk,” Greg said, putting his hands on Steven’s shoulders and trying to push him ahead of him.

“It’s not an earthquake.  Stay right there and don’t get hurt,” Jasper said, pointing at him.  “Steven?”

He was about to answer when the tremor suddenly surged into a clamour and the road just in front of the car wash cracked, heaved and erupted.  A corrupted Gem beast clawed its way up, shaking chunks of earth and concrete and tarmac from its shaggy pelt.  It looked like a star-nosed mole — actually, star-nosed moles didn’t really need any help to look like corruptions, but this one had accessorised with a kind of bony ruff behind its head like a triceratops  — its body dark green with streaks of red, and it was swinging its head around blindly, scenting the air.  Steven summoned his shield without thinking about it, and glanced up to see Jasper had her helmet.  Her eyes were wide as she glanced down at him at the same moment.

“We’ve got this,” he said, to reassure both of them.

“Who's we?” she asked.  “I don't do this.”

“Yes you do, you're good at it!”

“Not if beatdowns are off the table!   I can't just — I know what she's feeling! More to the point, I  _ care _ what she's feeling now.”

“Then isn't that all the more reason you should be there?  And it doesn't have to be a beatdown.  Maybe between the two of us we can make it different.”

“I don't know if we can,” Jasper said.  “She's in a really bad way.  Think of that big pig in  _ Princess Mononoke.” _

It was sort of irrelevant right now but it occurred to Steven that their recent Ghibli movie marathon was paying off left and right today.  “We can still try to reach her,” he said stubbornly.   _ “Please,  _ Jasper.”

“Oh, for —”  Jasper rolled her eyes.  “I’m doing this, aren't I?  I'm actually doing this because  _ you _ said  _ please.”   _ She put her head down and strode out into the rain.  He lifted the shield over his head and scurried after her, looking back to shout, “It’s okay, Dad!  We’ve got this.”

“Damn it, I don’t know how to  _ do _ this any more,” Jasper muttered.  “Do I have to  _ negotiate?” _  The mole Gem swung one shovel-like paw at them and before Steven could swap the shield for a bubble he had been knocked sideways by Jasper diving to carry him clear.  She rolled over with her arm around him and skidded to a stop, her feet braced under her and her free hand clawed into a crack in the broken road.  “You okay?”

“Yep.  That was pretty cool.”

The mole Gem dragged itself further out of its hole; it seemed to have a disproportionately long body.  It opened its mouth and uttered a hoarse blatting sound.  Jasper winced.  

“Are  _ you _ okay?” Steven asked, looking up at her.

“You’re really not getting that?” she asked him.

“Getting what?”

“Her — what she’s saying, what she’s meaning, the — the  _ vibe _ of the thing,” she said, evidently frustrated by trying to explain what felt obvious.

“No,” he said, shaking his head, “but I wish I did.”

“No, you probably don’t.”  Jasper looked a little pale.  “I don't wish this on anyone.”

Steven took another look at the mole Gem, still struggling to tear itself free from the earth.  “Jasper… I know you said you don’t know how to solve their problems, but do you think you can talk to her?”

“It’s not exactly talking,” Jasper said, shaking her head.  She unwrapped her arm from his waist and stood up straighter.  “Stay behind me.  If this goes wrong,  bubble up and run.  I don’t have a clue what I’m doing.”  She edged forward, holding her hands out in front of her, palms down.  The mole Gem humped its back and got one hind leg free and clawed with it before dragging the other up followed by a long whip of a tail that it lashed across the road, taking out a fire hydrant and sending a torrent of water into the air as if the ground were trying to retaliate against the rain.  It blatted again, swinging its head from side to side.

“No,” Jasper said.  “No, you don’t have to do that.  Feels like you have to but you don’t have to.”  She shook her head.  “I  _ suck _ at negotiating.”

“No, Jasper!  You got her attention!”  The pulpy starry nose had swung towards Jasper and the wedge-shaped eyeless head seemed trained on her intently.

“I.  Uh.”  Jasper edged forward again.  “We’re prepared to defend ourselves, but we don’t want to fight you.  Understand?  We don’t want to hurt you.  Don’t even want to get in your way.  You could thrash around all you want for all I care, but you came up too close to Greg’s… place.  Let’s find somewhere else.”  The answer was a crackling groan.

“What does she say?” Steven asked.

“She doesn’t understand.  Shush.”

“Why is she  _ here?” _

“I don't know.  It's mostly feelings.  She — oh jeez.”  Her face fell.  “She wants to fight Rose Quartz.  She thinks if she can take her down the Diamonds will come back and make her better.”

“Seriously!?” Steven exclaimed.  “You got all that?”

“It's a very loose translation, Steven, I’m talking to someone who thinks in smells and colours!” Jasper snapped.  She turned back to the mole.  “I am so, so sorry.  I'm just like you.  I wanted to fight her to put things right, as right as they could be.  We can’t.  She's gone.”  Her voice was shaking, Steven noticed, and he began to worry that he was pushing her to do something she wasn't ready for at all.  She was still inching her way forward.  The mole suddenly lunged towards her with its jaws gaping; she didn't budge.  It stopped with its snout within arm’s reach of her, its back heaving as it panted.  A low, perplexed whine came from its throat.  

“She's gone,” Jasper repeated.  “You get that feeling sometimes, don't you?  That you've got to do it?  I think they planted it in you for if you ever got the chance.  I heard about it from some of the others.  I said, ‘Don't you worry, that's what we're gonna do.’  I was wrong.  I didn't know what had happened.  I don't want you to ruin yourself trying the way I did.”    It sounded as if it was painful for her to speak; there was a jagged edge to her voice.  She took another small step, and another, and laid her hand flat on the mole’s nose behind the star.  

That was the big mistake.  The mole jerked its head back, pulling Jasper off balance, and screamed into her face.  Reflexively, she snapped her head forward, the crest of her helmet slamming into the centre of its starry nose.  It reared up and back, blatting again and swiping wildly with its paws.  Jasper leapt backward out of its reach.  

“Well,  _ that _ went about as well as I expected!” she shouted over the noise.  

“I thought you were getting somewhere!” Steven shouted back. 

“Yeah, I did a really great job shredding her last hope!”  Jasper clutched at her head with both hands, fingers hooked and dragging.  “I’m so  _ stupid!”   _

“Please don't say that.”

“Not the time,” she said, dropping her hands.  He wasn't sure if she meant that for him or herself.  “Touchy-feely didn't work.  I’ll go with what I know.”  The mole was beginning to turn away from them, looking for another target, and Jasper strode forward and arrested its attention by bellowing,  _ “Bloodstones suck!” _

There was a moment of confused stillness and then the mole swung its head back towards Jasper.  

“You heard me!”

It rumbled at her and lashed its tail.  

“I win, you settle the hell down and do what I say!  You win, ha!  You’re not gonna win!”

“Jasper,” Steven said, “I’m not sure this is  _ constructive  _ —”

“I didn't think so!” she yelled, ignoring him.  “Come get some!”  And she charged the mole.  

“Oh, man…”  Steven fell back a step as they collided, wishing the others would hurry up and get here.  For a little bit he’d been hoping he and Jasper between them would pull off a sort of miracle and the Crystal Gems would arrive to find a calm corruption ready to listen and receive healing, but she seemed determined to do it her way, and her way right now involved a lot of punching.  

The mole was finding out the hard way how difficult it could be to fight a smaller opponent that, rather than trying to evade you, clung to your chest like a limpet and kept headbutting you in the neck like some sort of hammerhead woodpecker.   It was choking and wheezing before it managed to throw Jasper off and she went smashing through a shop window across the road, to screams from the people sheltering within.  She came barreling back out shedding broken glass and leapt up to punch the mole in the nose, which was evidently a sensitive spot.  While it was reeling from that she vaulted up on its back, burrowed in behind its armoured frill and locked her arms around its neck, choking it again.  It made horrible guttural noises and tried to buck her off before going limp, with its tongue hanging out and wheezing.  

Her voice came from behind its ruff, very muffled by its mane and the hiss of the rain.  “You done?”

It wheezed and she loosened her hold and sat up.  “Good.  I could beat you right down but I meant it when I said I didn't  _ want  _ to hurt you.  You're doing us both a favour staying down.”

“I can't believe that  _ worked,” _ Steven said. 

She shrugged.  “Like works with like, I guess.  Bloodstones have always been weird because of the inclusions but when you get right down to it they are Jaspers.  So they respect strength.”

The mole groaned.  

“Don't worry about it,” Jasper said.  “None of this is… none of this is really your fault.”  She gave a shaky laugh.  “Well, listen to me now!  I’m saying all the lines.  But it's not.  Think about it, the retreat, was it right for them to use a weapon that hurt their own people left behind just as much as the enemy?  And they know it was wrong, because they didn't tell the Gems who  _ were _ evacked about it.  When I came back here I thought corruption was something the  _ Earth _ caused somehow.”  She sat a few moments, her head tilted attentively, and sighed.  “She's not really following this, Steven.  Her head’s all swirly.  She’ll get part of an idea but she can't focus.  At least she feels a little better, but that's as much because I'm taking charge in a way she knows as anything else.”

“That's okay.  I can probably help with that if she’ll let me touch her,” he said, licking his hand and holding it up.  “Can you ask if that's okay?”

“Hold still,” Jasper said to the mole.  “He’s going to touch you, it's not an attack.  It ought to clear your head.”

“I did say  _ ask.” _

“That would be weird for her.  See what you can do.”

“Okay,” Steven said.  He cautiously approached the mole and laid his spitty palm against the star of her nose.  He figured it was probably pretty bruised, so it was a good spot to lay on a little healing magic.  She sniffed once, as if startled, but didn't move as he stepped back.  He bit his lip in eager suspense, waiting to see a transformation, if only a partial one like the Centipeetle’s.  To his perplexity and disappointment, it didn't come.  

Jasper's face brightened, though.  “That made a  _ big _ difference,” she said.  “The whole vibe’s different, how she's thinking.”

“Can you actually read her mind?”

“No, it's just more like — well, think of the difference between someone yelling really loud and fast and hysterical and someone just talking.  That's as close as I can get.  I get a feeling of how she feels and I can put that into words for you.  I talk out loud to her because that's the way talking works for me, but she's getting the message from me the same way.”

“So more like really strong empathy than telepathy?”

Jasper shrugged.  “Do I look like I know?  It still weirds me out that this isn't normal to you.  I thought everyone got this.  Hold on, this feels important.”  As she listened — Steven found he still had to think of it as listening — her face fell a little.  

“What's wrong?”

“She's just exhausted,” Jasper said.  “Her life is like always having — a nightmare, I think would be the closest fit?  The only times she’s had any peace for a while is when she's got hurt bad enough to go into her gemstone for a while.  She doesn't want me to think she's giving up, we don't give up, but she's just longing for a rest.  Even thinking about carrying on hurts.”

“Aw, man.”  Steven lifted his hand again and tried for a comforting pat on her nose behind the star.  “Is this okay?”

“Yeah, it's weird but nice.  She doesn't understand what you are and I don't want to get into all that now.”  Jasper sighed.  “Well, I don't  _ like _ doing it but I can give you some rest if that's what you want most.  I won't let anything happen to you while you're resting and I’ll — I’ll check up on you soon.  Would that help?  No, not too soon, I get that.  If you’ll let me take this, you can have a good, long break from everything.”  Her hand was under the bony frill again; the gemstone must be hidden away there.  “Okay, stand clear, Steven.  Don't you worry.  You're under me now and I won't forget about you,” she added to the mole, reaching deeper under its frill.  There was a cloud of pink smoke and Jasper dropped to the ground, landing with a grunt and with a dark green oval gemstone in her hand.  The rain still pattered down, but it was thinning out now.  

“I didn't know they could just  _ let _ you,” she said, sounding a bit dazed.  “I still thought she'd put up a bit of a fight.”  To Steven's surprise and concern she suddenly sat down on the cracked road, holding the gemstone to her chest and breathing rapidly.  Her eyes were wide, white showing all the way round the golden irises. 

“Are you okay?” he asked, hurrying to put an arm round her shoulder as he dismissed his shield from the other.  “Was that really intense?”

“I just — I don't know, I — oh  _ no,  _ oh  _ no,  _ oh  _ no!”   _ Thin Malachite-green streaks were rippling into being on her skin, and Steven felt the prod of rising thorns against his arm.  He flung both arms around her neck, holding tight. 

“Tell me what's going on,” he urged her.  “What are you feeling?”

“Just the — just the hopelessness, the — I can't really help her, Steven, I don't have a clue and she was trusting me!  I'm such a fraud!”

“You  _ know _ that doesn't have to be true.  That's how you're feeling.  It's not a fact.”

“Well, I  _ feel like _ a useless fraud, then!”

“I know, I understand why you feel that way.  I don't really know how we're going to help her either, but I still think we could figure something out.  Don't you think maybe we could?”

“Well —  _ maybe,  _ but —” Jasper broke off in frustration.  “I can't stand feeling this way.  Helpless and useless and weak.”

“You can stand it, though, ‘cause I’ve seen you do that.”

“That's not the same.  Look what's happening to me!”  She held up a shaking green-streaked hand.  

“Yeah, look!  Look how it's not as bad as before.  Look how you're handling it better.  It's affecting you but it's not taking over.”

“Oh,” Jasper said in a small voice.  

“You're still so rough on yourself.  I think it's incredible how much you’re keeping it together.  No horns or hooves or anything.”

Jasper gave a weak giggle.  “Yeah, my ability  _ not _ to mutate into a hideous abomination is just outstanding.”

“You're being sarcastic, but it's true.”  He gave her a quick kiss on the nose.  “See if that helps too.”  With tremendous relief, he felt the thorns on her shoulder going down.  The green streaks were fading too.  “You're getting stronger all the time.  In the  _ real  _ way.”

“What happened?”  It was Garnet’s voice; neither of them had noticed the Crystal Gems running up.  Steven looked up with a start of relief.  

“A Gem beast came up but Jasper could talk to her a little!  Even before I put some spit on her, it was really amazing!”

“Are you all right, Jasper?” Pearl asked, bending to try to see her face.  “Why are you all huddled up like that?”  She reached out to touch Jasper's arm and Jasper flinched back.  

“Don't touch me!” she snapped. 

“I — I’m very sorry, I didn't realise —” Pearl looked stricken. 

“I don't want you to catch it.”

_ “Catch _ what?”

“Corruption,” Jasper mumbled.  “It was coming back.”

“But Steven is touching you, and he’s fine,” Amethyst pointed out.  “You look fine too.  Not even scabby.”

“Well obviously  _ Steven's  _ fine, that's like saying oh, that fire extinguisher’s not burning,” Jasper said irritably.  

“Yeah, you have to be okay if you're this grouchy,” Amethyst said, smiling.  

“Jasper.  Here,” said Garnet.  She offered Jasper a hand up.  

Jasper looked at her hand doubtfully.  “If  _ you _ corrupt, will you make two monsters or one really big one?”

“I don't care to find out.”

“Your funeral,” Jasper grunted, and with a bad grace took Garnet’s hand and let her help her up.  Nothing happened, and Garnet smiled slightly.  Amethyst hugged Jasper's leg and punched her gently above the other knee.  

“I don't know what to do with this,” Jasper said, opening her hand and looking at the bloodstone.  “I need to protect her.”

“That's what bubbles are  _ for,”  _ said Pearl.  

“But then she’ll be stuck, she can't come back when she's ready to.”

“That's… also what bubbles are for,” Pearl said uneasily.  

“She said she wanted a really long rest,” Steven pointed out. 

“She  _ said?” _ Amethyst repeated.  

“In a way Jasper could understand but I couldn't.  I don't know if you guys were here in time to see, Bloodstone  _ let _ Jasper separate her gemstone.  She asked her to.”

“You're calling her Bloodstone?” Garnet asked.  She and Pearl exchanged a glance. 

“Well, shouldn't we?  Jasper found out her name.  I like this  _ lots  _ better than making up names like Centipeetle and Slinker.”

“Oh, finally you agree that ‘Slinker’ is a stinker,” said Amethyst.  “Hey Bloodstone.  Badass name.  You sound like a metal band.”

“I’m not just leaving her bubbled,” Jasper said stubbornly.  “I’ll take her out like… every week to see if she's ready to reform on her own.”

“Not inside the temple you won't,” said Garnet.  Steven winced, wondering if there was going to be a fight over that. 

“Of course not,” said Jasper.  “The last thing she needs is to wake up feeling like she's in the enemy base.  I’ll take her outside — oh.  Pearl, will you come with me for that?”

“Jasper,” Steven said quickly, not wanting to leave Pearl on the spot, “Bloodstone really did want a  _ long _ rest.  Maybe after a while you and I could try visiting her the way Amethyst and I visited you.  Wouldn't that probably work better?”   _ Not before Bismuth though,  _ he thought guiltily.  At least Bismuth should be more of a negotiation than an attempted cure.  

Jasper's shoulders sagged.  “Probably.  I just don't feel as if I'm doing enough for her.  And I’m not doing anything for Ocean or any of the others — they were under me too, I have a duty.  I mean, once I’d have said I didn't because if they couldn't cope on their own they were no use to me and deserved whatever they got.  Everything gets so  _ hard  _ when you start giving a damn.”

“It does,” Garnet said.  “Standing in the rain won't help, though.  We should get Steven home.”

“Oh, wait!  I need to tell Dad everything’s okay,” Steven exclaimed.  “I mean… apart from the road… and the window… and the fire hydrant… maybe we should call someone.”

“I’m sure the proper authorities have been notified,” said Pearl, waving her hand to dismiss the whole scene of wreckage. 

“How do I do this?” Jasper asked bluntly.  “If she's going to be bubbled, I’m going to do it.”

“Haven't you done it before?” Pearl asked. 

“Wasn't my job,” Jasper said, shrugging.  

“I’ll teach ya,” said Amethyst.  Jasper knelt beside her.  “You picture the bubble protecting her and you do your hands like this.”

“Like —”  Jasper looked startled when it worked on her first try; an orange bubble enclosed the bloodstone and rested in her hands.  

“And now you think, ‘home,’ and you just send ‘er off.”

“I can't send her to  _ Homeworld!” _

“What are you talking about, bubblehead?   _ Our _ home.”

“Oh,” said Jasper, sheepishly.  

“Yeah,” said Amethyst, grinning, “I hope she likes a mess.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter stalled several times because I wrote Jasper's confrontation with Bloodstone perfectly in my head while I was at work and couldn't write it down, was like _oh my god I am so moved_ , came home and started to write it, couldn't remember how it was supposed to go at key points, scrapped the whole idea and tried to write something completely different, couldn't leave it alone and tried and tried to reconstruct it, couldn't reconstruct it but eventually wrote something else that I thought was possibly all right. 
> 
> Also, if you ever want to get really annoyed by life, reflect that the terms jasper, chalcedony, bloodstone and blinking _heliotrope_ can all describe the same gemstone. Do you write all of those as different characters or do you pick one and try to ignore the rest?


	23. Chapter 23

Jasper insisted on a thorough debriefing with a full description of the fight from both her perspective and Steven's, but first she went and checked on Bloodstone’s bubble.  It was hovering quietly in the air a little above her own head height in the middle of Amethyst’s room.  

“Did you keep my one like this?” she asked. 

“Ha, it's sort of embarrassing,” Amethyst said, folding her arms behind her head.  “I made you a little nest.”

“Did you seriously?”

“I did say it's embarrassing.”

“No, I like that.  I'm surprised how much I like that.  It feels like something I can do.  What’d you use?”

“I mean, it was also to hide you if Garnet or Pearl came in.”  Amethyst pulled a rumpled crocheted thing out from under some magazines.  “I wrapped you up in this and stuck that jar over you and threw a teeshirt over the jar.  Man, I still gotta give this back to Vidalia, she loved this band.”

“I recognise this,” Jasper said, stretching the crochet between her hands.  “You brought me the dream version.  I definitely want Bloodstone to have that.”  She carefully netted the bubble in the shawl and drew it down, wrapping it up.  “Misfits,” she read from the front of the shirt Amethyst held, spiky green and purple letters like stylised lightning bolts.  “They any good?  They're not on Jenny's list.”

“They weren't metal.  They were… sort of pop-punk-hair-synth… I dunno, they were their own thing.  They had this awesome feud with another 80s band called the Holograms and once Greg lost a bet with Vidalia and she said he could either say ‘The Misfits’ songs are better’ or climb the flagpole outside the mayor’s office, and he got stuck up there and it was on the news.  Good times!”

“He climbed a flagpole rather than say their songs were better?”

“Greg is a dude of certain deeply held convictions, I guess.  It was weird, like the Misfits had already been broken up like ten years when that happened, but I guess they were some kinda formative childhood thing for V, and the Holograms for him.”

“I just met him today but he doesn't really look like he could climb a flagpole.”  He’d sounded a little puffed after running from his van into the car wash. 

“Humans’ bodies change a lot when they get older.  I saw him do it, it was hilarious.”  Amethyst grinned in appreciation of the memory.  

“Well… there's no need to hide Bloodstone, so we don't need the jar or the shirt.  But I like the idea of carrying on something you did because you cared about me.  Because you decided we're sisters.”

“We might end up with a  _ lot _ of sisters this way,” Amethyst said uneasily.  

“Yes, but firsts are special, right?” 

“Right,” said Amethyst, looking relieved.  

“I wonder where's a safe place to put her,” Jasper said, looking around.  

“We don't gotta hide her, so why not let her float?” Amethyst suggested. 

Jasper let go of the shawl-wrapped bubble and saw it drift back up to float just above her.  “I think she looks cosier now, don't you?”

“She does.  Sleep tight, sis.”

The main themes to emerge from the debriefing were Jasper's continuing bafflement that  _ everyone _ didn't have a sense of where nearby corrupted Gems were and what was on their minds, and the elder Crystal Gems’ obvious discomfort both with having to call Bloodstone by her name and the word “she,” and with their awareness of their own discomfort.  Pearl was visibly anxious, twisting her fingers together and twining her ankles around each other as she sat, while Garnet’s already rather impassive face set like stone and she sat stiffly with her hands closed on her knees.  

“Can I ask you something?” Jasper said.  “Can you also seriously not recognise what kinds of Gems they are?  What their names must be?”

“Some,” said Garnet.  

“Some Gems have very distinctive colouring or patterns,” Pearl elaborated when it became cear that was as much as Garnet would say, “but others are harder to be sure about without a close examination, and really close examination… there wouldn't be much of a point.  All we can do is bubble and protect them, regardless of who exactly they are.  And it doesn't feel as if you're actually dealing with that Gem, more like… something that stands between you and the Gem.”

Jasper tried to bite back her angry reaction.  She  _ knew _ how kind Pearl was, the only reason she would say something like that would be if she didn't understand at all.  “It might feel that way to you,” she said, “but it's not how they feel.  They still know who they are.  They’re a mess but they know that much.  If you at least try to use their names, when you  _ can _ figure them out, that's worth something.”

“You know Centipeetle’s real name, right?” Steven asked, surprising Jasper.  “She wrote it down.”

Pearl looked outright guilty now, and there were tiny beads of sweat on her forehead and the sides of her nose.  “Well, you’d given her your own special name, so I didn't think…”

“I really want to know her real name,” he said, “and I can't find the paper where she wrote it any more.”  He took a deep breath and powered on.  “If I could, I could read it for myself, because Jasper’s been teaching me and Amethyst Gem writing.”

Pearl darted a sharp look at Jasper as if she'd betrayed her somehow.  That was a bit much.  They'd never even talked about it, and yet she still felt guilty seeing that Pearl looked hurt.  Steven could have picked a better moment; she was already exhausted from all today's drama. 

“Why did you do that, Jasper?” Garnet asked stiffly.  

“I couldn't see any reason why they shouldn't learn.  I still can't.  Earth is their home but they're just as much Gems as if they were made on Homeworld.  They have a right to it.”

“Did you not think that maybe the people who’ve raised them and love them had good reasons?” Pearl asked.  “We wanted them to be  _ free _ from Homeworld and to concentrate on their present and future, not the past.”

“But nothing about us makes sense without the past!  Look, I made this call before I knew you and I admit I thought the worst of you then.  I still think that — look, can't you see that it looks shady?  As if you’ve got something to hide?  And you  _ do _ hide things from Steven and Amethyst, and I can believe it's because you were scared or something, not because you're the villains I had you built up as in my head, but it's just storing up trouble!”

“Centipeetle’s name is Nephrite,” Garnet said, turning her head firmly away from Jasper and towards Steven.  “We weren't sure until she wrote it, we only thought she was probably a type of Jade.”

“Nephrite?” Steven repeated.  “Like one of the baddies from  _ Sailor Moon?” _  He appeared to be turning the idea over in his head, his eyes wide.  “Okay, Nephrite.  That's a good name.  I’m glad I know.  Maybe being able to call her by her name will help next time.”

“Nephrites are pilots and navigators, aerospace crew,” Jasper said.  “They provide transportation for the military —”

“We can tell them,” Garnet said, cutting her off. 

Jasper urgently wanted to say something snotty like  _ “Will _ you, though?”  She could just about keep a lid on it with the thought that it would be stupid to fight openly with Garnet, who could make her own life extremely difficult in ways that weren't remotely worth it, that it would be upsetting for Steven and Amethyst if she did, and that Pearl looked as if she might be sick, even though she didn't have anything to be sick  _ with.   _ Jasper bit her lip for a moment and then said, “Remember I didn't bring this up.  I want to live here.  With you.  I was ready to leave it alone so we could do that.  It's okay, Steven,” she added quickly, noticing his stricken face.  “You had a right to, I didn't.  I don't want to have a fight about it.  That's  _ me _ saying I don't want to fight, so you know how serious I am, right?”  She tried to smile.  

“Jasper, we’d like to discuss this with Steven and Amethyst alone,” said Garnet.  

_ Damn, she's cold sometimes.  You can really see the Sapphire, so I wonder where the Ruby goes?  I suppose the poor little sap just gets overruled.    _ Having just said she didn’t want a fight, she'd really left herself no room to manoeuvre.  “Right,” she said, getting up from the couch.  “Then if no one minds I’ll go up on the hand for a while and get some fresh air.”

No one said they minded.  Steven and Amethyst were both looking tense but also keen, as if hoping for some real answers now.  She exchanged a quick look and a tight-lipped smile with them as she walked to the warp pad.  Then she wished she could turn round and check on Pearl, but it felt awkward now.  She could only hope that she wasn't too upset with her.  

The rain had stopped and it was dark outside with a damp, cold breeze blowing.  The clouds were gradually migrating out to sea and stars were beginning to peep through.  She sat with her legs dangling from the edge of the palm of the big stone hand and looked out at the black, glossy ocean and tried to hum “Enter Sandman” to herself.  The music had grabbed her and she was realising now she had no idea what the words meant.  What was a sandman - what did sand have to do with sleep or the night?  Or Never Never Land?  There was some stuff in there about death and souls that probably meant it was some human religious thing that she might never get.  She vaguely remembered that a bunch of them had been convinced Pink Diamond was a goddess, which was sort of frustrating because they weren’t  _ wrong,  _ depending on how you looked at it, but she was so much more.

That reminded her it wasn’t as if Pearl didn’t have a  _ point _ about concentrating on the present and future instead of dwelling on the past, even if it wasn’t a point she always took herself.  Thinking about Pink Diamond could be sweet but if she did it now when she was worn out and her feelings ached she was probably going to get miserable.  She couldn’t turn off the thoughts but she could try to steer in another direction.  What, though?  Think about Bloodstone?  Wonder what she looked like when she was herself?  Wonder what she’d got herself  _ into _ there?  Well, she was a Bloodstone, so she’d be barrel-chested and long-waisted with arms that looked a bit too long and legs that looked a bit too short and a nose with a bridge that curved out of her forehead and a jaw that made Jasper’s look a bit soft.  She’d have those big oddly innocent-looking green eyes with the red flecks and the long sheet of silky hair that only grew in a crest up the middle of the head — like a unicorn’s mane, come to think of it.  What she’d got herself into was a lot harder to predict.  How could she find the right balance between giving Bloodstone the time she needed to rest and recover and not just leaving her out of sight until she slipped out of mind?

That wasn’t a good direction either.  Something innocuous and happy.  The pies today; there was nothing bad you could say about those pies or about how warm and calm inside she’d felt making them.  The dress she’d figured out for Amethyst — she hadn’t shown it to her yet but she had a pretty good feeling about this one.  If it passed she’d need to figure out what she was going to wear herself.  It was going to be pink, that was for certain, the dusty kind of pink that went best with her skin colour, maybe a deeper darker shade than she had in her current outfit, maybe something paler - if she made it a light pastel that could be sort of complimentary to Amethyst’s dress, which was meant to be a soft mauve, but it would depend on whether Amethyst wanted to do something matchy.  

Maybe a combination of pink and apricot, faded sunset colours.  It didn’t exactly go with a snow and winter theme, it might be more  _ appropriate _ to wear white or a warm dark colour like wine red or chocolate brown, both of which she could manage within her palette, but it felt like a retroactive promise to her past self sulking through interminable formal events in her dress uniform: not “you  _ shall _ go to the ball,” like Jenny had said and Steven had told her about in that  _ Cinderella _ story, but “you  _ shall  _ have a pink dress like you always wanted but never believed it was right you should have.”  Sometimes you had to be your own fairy godmother.  She should probably rope in the desire for frills a little.  You could overcapitalise.  Being tall meant she could make the most of long smooth sweeps of draping fabric, but on the other hand,  _ frills. _

Maybe one of those skirts that fell elegantly on one side but were slit up to the thigh on the other, and the frills could  _ line _ the slit and join up to some kind of rosette on her hip - a  _ rosette,  _ really?  Maybe a bow or a decorative knot or  _ something,  _ and balance that with a similar one at the opposite shoulder.  The ideas were really rolling now, no sleeves, scoop neck, plunging V back (hair up so people could  _ see _ her back), shoulder straps of three or four draping strands of satin ribbon — was she going overboard because this was her first chance to really do what she wanted?  

It seemed possible.  Amethyst said her motto was “If it's worth doing it's worth overdoing,” which she thought was a  _ little  _ unfair but not exactly false.  She'd just have to show her ideas to Amethyst and Steven and see what they thought.  Maybe Pearl too; Pearl had pretty good taste.  She was always clever at figuring out the proportions of things, designing and arranging the decorations they were making and storing up hidden in her room so they would look balanced and harmonious, all snowflake fractals and Fibonacci spirals.  She'd know how much was too much.  

Jasper had been honestly surprised to be taken into Pearl’s room to make the decorations, but Pearl had seemed surprised by her surprise.   “How else can we keep them a secret until it's time to put them up?” she asked.  “I want Steven and Connie to be both astonished and enchanted.  And everyone else I suppose, but they're the target audience.”  Apparently the idea that she’d casually brought a former enemy into her sanctum sanctorum didn’t feature, and Jasper certainly didn’t want to call it to her attention.

Pearl’s room was a strange, beautiful place full of rushing water and soft light and a weapons collection that made Jasper's eyes water.  They'd spent a few hours going over that, with Pearl remembering a story connected with every piece.  About eighty percent of those stories prominently featured Rose Quartz, but hearing about her was getting to bother Jasper less.  Maybe it was just desensitisation by gradual exposure; maybe it was the fact that, after all, Rose was dead.  

At first that had hurt horribly, knowing that she would never get her answers, would never get the chance even to land one good, hard punch that would somehow gather all the bitter grief in her body into her arm and deliver it directly through her fist.  The pain had faded a little as it sank in that Rose was  _ gone _ .  She was no more.  She didn't get to keep the world she stole from Pink Diamond and from Jasper and everyone else who had served her.  Jasper obviously couldn't talk about the measure of relief and satisfaction she finally felt about that, not to people who had loved Rose and still missed her, that would have been cruel, but it was there and she didn't feel at all bad about it.  In a very final way, Rose had failed and she knew it or she wouldn't have made Steven to accomplish what she couldn't.  Good.  It wasn't a gloat, just a quiet, firm voice inside her that said ‘Good’ and then turned its attention to what came next.  Was that what closure was meant to feel like?  Sort of an anticlimax.  She’d expected it to feel like victory or vindication and instead it just seemed to mean being done with that.  Not  _ over _ it, she didn’t expect ever to get  _ over _ it… but done.

It was contradictory in all sorts of ways.  She could be bitter that Rose took her world from her and at the same time was beginning to feel that, well, it was the humans’ world first and they had some right to it.  She could love people  _ Rose _ had loved; she could even, in an odd don’t-think-too-hard-about-how-it-works-or-it-will-stop-working way, be grateful to Rose for taking care of Amethyst which had eventually led to Amethyst taking care of her.  What would she do without Amethyst and Steven?  But she needed them so much because of what Rose had done.  But she only  _ existed _ because of what Rose had done.  She had stood and listened to Pearl happily telling stories about how Rose had been the centre of her life and couldn’t help thinking that Rose was irretrievably at the centre of her own life too.  

She was starting to feel as if she indirectly  _ knew _ her these days.  It wasn’t anything as warm as ‘maybe if we could have known each other under different circumstances we would have been friends,’ but having people they loved in common just meant that she was linked to Rose in a new way with each person, and had to know that Rose probably loved and valued some of the same things about them that she did.  Like the way Pearl handled swords, as if she were not just dancing but dancing  _ with _ them, or the way that when you  _ watched _ her carefully you realised that those skinny limbs were wiry and limber and strong, and she only seemed wispy and frail if you weren’t paying  _ attention,  _ if your eyes saw “light and slim and graceful” and your dumb brain filled in “wispy and frail” without looking any further.  Or if Rose hadn’t appreciated that about Pearl, she really should have.

She had strayed a long way from the innocuous and happy thoughts she’d been trying for, but they weren’t  _ bad _ thoughts either.  When the warp pad blinked and someone appeared she hoped for a moment that it  _ was _ Pearl before the dazzle faded and she saw clearly that it was Steven.  He was wearing his hooded jacket and carrying dishes in his hands.

“Hey Jasper.  You okay up here?”

“I’m fine.  Thanks.”

“Well, I brought you some of the pumpkin pie.  I warmed it up and added some à la mode.”  He offered her one of the dishes; a large wedge of pie with a snowball of vanilla ice cream melting against its flank.

“Ooh, yum.”  She balanced the dish on her knee.

“And sporks!”  Now he had a free hand he produced them from the pocket of his jacket with a flourish and gave her one.  

“How did the talk go?” Jasper asked, slicing off the narrow tip of the slice.  

“It was… it was pretty good,” he said, frowning as he sat down cradling his plate.  “It was a lot to take in.  It’s really  _ really _ hard for Garnet and Pearl to talk about some things, it’s like they’re trying to push through thorny bushes the whole time.  They explained about the kind of work the Jades did.  That was pretty interesting.  There were even some Jades  _ in _ the Crystal Gems, they got a few of just about every kind of Gem before it was over.  That was part of why it was so hard to talk about, they had to remember their friends — and some of those friends are probably still alive, just corrupted, but others got shattered and they  _ know _ they’ll never see them again.”

Jasper nodded thoughtfully, distracting herself from thinking into that too deeply by appreciating the contrast between warm pie and cold ice cream.

“And Amethyst asked them about something — I wasn’t going to because I didn’t want to push our luck when they were just opening up a bit — she asked about, you know, how they’d sometimes shattered corrupted Gems who got cracked and why they’d given up on them.  They got  _ really _ quiet and I thought we’d blown it, and then they got really  _ confused,  _ and it turned out Amethyst had got some of that wrong.  We couldn’t figure out if she’d just misunderstood at the time because she was upset or if Garnet explained it badly because  _ she _ was upset, but it turns out the part where Amethyst thought they just had to do it because they didn’t have my mom to do healing any more was wrong.”

“Oh?”  That story had always felt off to her somehow but she hadn’t analysed it too deeply.

“Yeah… I mean, the truth is also really sad, but it’s not that they just gave up on the corruptions.  Before they found Amethyst, Mom and Garnet and Pearl had already found out that Mom  _ couldn’t  _ heal a cracked Gem who was corrupted too.  She tried and tried.  She never wanted Amethyst to know about it because it was so sad, and they always managed to hide it from her.  Then after Mom was gone and I was still a baby and they needed Amethyst to step up more, and they couldn’t avoid her seeing everything, well… yeah.  Amethyst was kind of mad and upset.  I think she felt stupid because she’d just assumed it didn’t happen before she  _ saw _ it happen for herself.  On the other hand, I was relieved that it wasn’t that…”

“That they didn’t care as much if a corruption died?” Jasper asked, the bluntness somewhat softened by talking slushily around a mouthful of pie.

“Yeah.  I had been wondering why they didn’t take cracked corruptions to my mom’s garden where there’s still a healing fountain — although I guess it would have been nearly impossible to get a corrupted Gem who was  _ also _ glitching out to go anywhere with you — or take spray bottles of tears around with them or something, but that just wouldn’t have helped.  It’s sad that it wouldn’t have helped but I feel better knowing that they didn’t give up without trying everything they could.  We hugged it out.”

“I’m glad you feel better.”  There was still a little cave-dwelling part of her that asked whether Pearl and Garnet had just made up a story about how they’d tried everything to stop Amethyst and Steven questioning them any more, but the rest didn’t want to believe that.  “Um, do you like the pie?”

“I  _ love _ the pie, it’s sweet and spicy and smooth and perfect.  You and Pearl did a great job.”

“Is this the one with the Pastry Point on it?”

“Yeah, that got kind of ruined when we cut it, but Pearl took a picture of it before that.  I think she’s getting into that.”

“Do you think she’s mad at me about the reading and writing lessons?”

“We didn’t get into that.  Like I said, I didn’t want to push for too much when we just started to get somewhere.  But I don’t  _ think _ she can be too mad because when I said I was going to take you up some pie she was the one who suggested warming it up.  You don’t think about ways to make someone’s dessert nicer if you’re really mad at them, do you?”

“I guess not,” Jasper said, comforted.

“The à la mode was my idea, though, I’m elegant like that.”

“Oh, you’re a real connoisseur.”

“Pearl really cares about you, you know,” Steven said in an oddly insinuating tone.

“I know.”

“You do?  I’m so glad!”

“Beats me  _ why,  _ but I don’t think she’d try as hard as she does if she didn’t personally care a lot.  Well, no, I know why, it’s not because of me, it’s because  _ she’s _ a lovely person.”

“Pearl  _ is _ a lovely person but so are you!”

“Pscht.”  

“You are!”

“I’m a mess.”

“A  _ lovely _ mess,” he said stoutly.  

“Well, anyway.”

“Anyway what?”

“Anyway let's talk about something else.”

“I just want you to be able to feel good about yourself.  Not from thinking you're perfect but from knowing you're  _ good _ and you deserve people to care about you.”

“Well, not much in life happens because of what you deserve, I learned  _ that _ much.”

“But don't take it too far the other way!” he protested.  

“Don't get all upset.  Look.  You made sure I got my just desserts,” she said, tapping the empty dish with her spork. 

“Jasper, that was  _ horrible,” _ Steven said gleefully.  “I’m going right down and tell Pearl to put a Puns column in your points book.”

“I think of a pun maybe once a month, would it be worth it?”

“When you think of one you just have to make it work really hard!  That reminds me,” he said, his smile falling away.  

“Reminds you?”  He didn't look upset to Jasper, just serious.  He was looking up at her with big dark moonlit eyes. 

“Can we make a plan?  For after the ball, in the new year.”

“One of those resolutions people do?”

“It could be.  I want to try again with dream travel.  I want to make sure you can visit other dreams with me as well as Amethyst.  Then I want us three to try and visit Bismuth in her bubble and talk to her about coming back.”

Jasper considered it.  “I’m not saying no, but why do you want me along?  I don't know your Bismuth.”

Steven shrugged.  “Moral support?  I  _ like _ Bismuth but I’m a little scared of her too.  I don't  _ think  _ she wants to hurt me but I don't  _ know _ .  I would just feel braver not having to go in alone.  Also maybe you would  _ like _ Bismuth.  She's big and tough and funny.”

“And invented a weapon for the specific purpose of shattering Homeworld Gems.”

“Well… that's why I'm nervous.”

“Of course I’ll go with you then.  Assuming I can.  I don't see why I couldn't if Amethyst can do it.”

“Phew!  Thank you.”  He leaned over and hugged her arm.

“I’ll always help you with anything I can.  You know that, don't you?  It’s just basic big sistering.”  She scruffled the top of his head with her free hand.  “Hey, have you actually  _ asked _ Connie to the ball yet?  Because if you don’t soon she’s going to think it’s weird.  She must know it’s happening, and you’re  _ running _ it, so if you don’t say anything to her about going together, won’t she assume you’re just not going to?”

“I know.  I need to stop trying to think of the perfect way to ask her and just go ahead and ask.  I’ll do it tomorrow!  If I haven’t done it by five o’clock you can, uh…”

“Drag you over to her house and yell ‘HEY CONNIE STEVEN WANTS YOU TO ASK YOU TO THE BALL BUT HE’S A LITTLE WIMP WOULD YOU STILL LIKE TO GO TO THE BALL WITH A WIMP?’”

“That is a perfect disincentive, thank you.”

They returned to the house and Steven carried their bowls into the kitchen.  Garnet and Amethyst were no longer in evidence, but Pearl was still sitting on the couch, frowning at a book without really moving her eyes over the pages.

“Um, Pearl?”  Jasper sat down beside her, gingerly, trying not to make the couch creak.  It did anyway.  She got up and knelt beside her instead.  This was awkward enough without breaking the seat.  “Are you, um…”

Pearl folded the book closed around her forefinger as a marker.  “Hmm?”  

“About before, I want to say…  I still think it was right to teach Steven and Amethyst but I’m sorry if I’ve upset you doing it.”   _ I sound like Peridot apologising for stabbing me.   _ “At the time I decided to do it I wouldn't have cared what you thought but things have changed a lot since then.  I just don't want — it's important to me that…”  She realised she was floundering and clamped her lips together between her teeth.  

Pearl looked troubled, her eyebrows puckered together.  “It isn't exactly being upset with  _ you _ .  I felt at first as if you'd gone behind my back but apparently, yes, this all started well before we became friends.”

“So… we’re  _ still _ friends?”

“Of course we are.”

“Phew.”  She found herself smiling idiotically wide with relief.  

Pearl looked at her in surprise for a moment and then laughed, a small soft chuckle that she screened with her hand for a moment before she relaxed and just beamed back.  

“You have such a wonderful smile,” she said, “once it arrives.  I'm not upset with you, Jasper, I was just  _ upset _ .  I have so many regrets and I’ve made so many decisions that I just have to keep living with, and changing anything is so difficult it's exhausting.”  Her smile faded a bit.  “I feel daunted just at the thought of it, and then I feel upset and I think ‘Why me?  I’ve tried so hard and haven't I been through enough?’  It feels so unfair that life just keeps wanting more of me, and there's so much more to go through before I can have any peace.  But I know you understand all about that because it's what you're doing every day in your own, different situation.  You keep going.  I had a little spate of feeling terribly upset, but I'm going to keep going too.”  The smile came back, smaller but clear.  

“Oh, thank goodness.”

“And I just have to get over how it upsets me to be reminded of the culture I can't be a part of any more.  My feelings don't matter more than Steven and Amethyst being able to read Gem script if they ever need to; it could be important sooner than I like to think.”  Pearl’s eyes clouded for a moment before she blinked and smiled again.  

“Could you help me teach them?  I keep stalling them on hieratic script because I didn't realise before I tried to teach it how much I’d forgotten.  I almost never use it.”

“Of course I could!”  Pearl leaned forward eagerly.  “What sort of teaching materials do you use?  How often do you test them?  Do you — but you must be tired after all you had to deal with today.  Let's save that up for tomorrow.”  She reached out and patted Jasper's shoulder and then drew her hand back guiltily.  

“What's wrong?”

“Nothing, I’m sorry, I forgot that sort of thing makes you uncomfortable.”

“What sort of thing?” Jasper asked, baffled.  

“When I don't keep my hands to myself.”

“I don't care about that at all.”

“Oh.”

“I never said I did, did I?”

“I thought — well, it's not important, obviously I misunderstood.  Never mind.”  Her hands fluttered like white butterflies and she folded them tightly on her knees.  

“I don't mind — I mean, you don't  _ have  _ to — um.”  Jasper’s face felt warm with embarrassment and knowing that it must be turning red only embarrassed her more.  “Well, friends don't have to keep their hands to themselves, right?  It's just, um, friendly to, um, look, talking about it just makes it sound so weird.  But if you were making me uncomfortable I'd say so.  I'm  _ not  _ a hands-off person.”

“Oh.  Good.”  Pearl was blushing too, her strange blue sheen on the cheeks, and Jasper wished she knew how to talk about this without making it  _ more _ awkward.  Caving in the couch with her butt was suddenly the least of her worries.  Well, no, that would have probably tipped Pearl into her lap and that would have made things extra weird.  

“Would it make  _ you  _ uncomfortable if I hugged you?” she tried.  “Or would you think, ‘okay, that's nice, that's Jasper being my friend?’”

“The latter!  Certainly the latter,” Pearl said quickly.  

“Okay, good.”  She'd meant it more as a hypothetical, not to push her luck, but Pearl had sort of half-opened her arms and then frozen as if she wasn't sure she'd understood. 

“Um,” said Pearl.  

“Oh,” said Jasper.  She hastily held out her own arms but moved them too fast and Pearl flinched a bit, so she pulled them back guiltily just as Pearl was trying to lean in again, at which Jasper got stuck with her arms bent like chicken wings and frankly was beginning to panic and wonder how to reverse out of this.  

_ “Ohmygosh just hug each other already!”   _ Amethyst had come out of her room while they were talking and was glaring at them impatiently from over by the kitchen.  “This is painful to watch!”

Pearl lunged forward and wrapped her arms round Jasper's neck, hiding her face in her hair.  Jasper hastily folded her own arms around Pearl’s back, startled despite herself at how strong Pearl was, her kind of  _ tensile _ strength like a tight steel spring.  She was so little, though, and why was she trembling?  Oh.  She was smothering silent breathless giggles against Jasper's shoulder.  Answering laughter fizzed in her nose and tickled her lips. 

“That's better,” said Amethyst, proceeding to the fridge and muttering, “idiots.”

“Shh!”  Steven had been watching with his elbows on the counter and his chin in his hands.  

“You need a hobby,” she informed him, taking out a jar of pickled onions.  

“Appreciating my friends being happy is the  _ best _ hobby,” he retorted.  

Pearl released her hold on Jasper and sat back, poorly covering her grin with her hand.  “Well, good night, my fellow idiot.  I'm glad we cleared that up.”

“Good night,” Jasper said, a little sad that Pearl wanted to leave now but equally relieved that she could calm down at last.  Pearl gave her an odd little gentle push in the upper arm and scampered off to her own room.  Jasper turned round toward Steven and Amethyst and found Steven looking at her the way he had when she'd shapeshifted to Amethyst size, only more gleeful, if possible.  Amethyst threw a pickled onion in the air, caught it in her mouth, crunched it and said, “How’re you gonna compensate me for this much second-hand embarrassment, sis?”

“I don't know and I don't care,” Jasper said, grinning.  “Pearl’s my friend!”

“You didn't  _ get _ that?”

“I thought I might have screwed it up.  And sometimes I feel like I'm more of a responsibility than a friend.”

“Pearl  _ loves  _ responsibilities, though,” Amethyst said.  “I mean, did you see what she did to Steven’s chore wheel?”

“Actually, she updated that so now all the spaces say ‘Pearl and Jasper,’” Steven pointed out.  

“Feel like that should be ‘Pearl feat. Jasper,’” Amethyst mused.  “My point stands.  A friend who’s  _ also _ a responsibility is like gravy to Ms P.  Or y’know.  Some non-food equivalent of gravy.”

“Well, gravy or no gravy,” Jasper said, “I’m worn out.  This is definitely a sleeping night.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In case it's not clear, I don't mean [these Misfits,](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Misfits_\(band\)) I mean [these Misfits.](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_Jem_characters#The_Misfits) For some reason it pleases me to imagine that they are a real band in this universe - indeed, that they are a real band in many parallel universes. I do not need to imagine that their songs are better.
> 
> Also, the dress Jasper has in mind for Amethyst is very much inspired by the one in [this excellent piece of fanart by happyds.](http://happyds.tumblr.com/post/147270458824/gems-in-some-kind-of-dress-just-because)


	24. Chapter 24

The first snow fell and, appropriately, events began to feel as if they were snowballing downhill to the Snow Ball.  Steven's dilemma about how to ask Connie to go with him was dehorned by Connie getting fed up with waiting around and asking him at the arena after training one day whether they were going together “or what.”  

“I — uh — of course!  If  _ you  _ want to,” Steven stammered, turning pink.  

“Well, not just because  _ I _ want to — do  _ you  _ want to?”

Jasper and Pearl exchanged a glance over the children's heads and quickly became far too busy to overhear any sort of personal conversation by going and having a debate about the Battle of Thermopylae over by Pearl’s chalkboard.  Pearl was starting to introduce more military history and study of strategy in their lessons; it struck Jasper that she never used examples from Gem warfare but always human history, which meant that Jasper at least had no idea who was who or what the fighting had been about.  At least asking about that gave them cover for not invading Steven and Connie’s privacy while at the same time eavesdropping furiously. 

“Things that seemed important at the time, to them at any rate,” Pearl said dismissively.  “It used to really  _ annoy _ me how we’d saved their world for them and they just went on fighting unnecessary, messy wars in it.  I suppose that's part of the point, though; that it  _ is _ their world to do silly things in.  If we’d intervened all the time we would only have made them dependent on us, and we could never be everywhere at once.  Anyway!  At least it was an interesting battle, considered from a distance.”

“Can you run it by me again?” Jasper asked. 

“Do you really want me to or are you trying to keep the conversation going?”  Pearl asked, arching an eyebrow.  

“Depends, are they still talking?”  They were behind her and Pearl had to lean to one side to see them around her hair.

“Yes, but I did notice your eyes glazing over at some points in the lecture.”

“I’m not great at staying alert through a long explanation,” Jasper admitted.  “It's not that I don't care or I can't get it, I just need to hear parts of it more than once.”

“I suppose it's a Quartz thing; Amethyst’s like that and Rose could be the same.”

“Really?” Jasper asked, surprised.  “I mean I know about Amethyst but I’d have thought Rose Quartz was different, coming up with all the tactics for the rebellion.”

Pearl blinked at her.  “Did you think…”

Jasper blinked back.  “What?”

“Did you think  _ Rose _ was our tactician?”

“Ah, crap, you're going to tell me I'm completely wrong about something again, aren't you?”  Jasper slapped her forehead and pushed her fingers back into her hair in irritation.  “All right, hit me with it, what am I wrong about  _ this _ time?”

“Not  _ completely  _ wrong!” Pearl said brightly.  “She was  _ involved,  _ the goals were her goals and she was wonderful at communicating a plan in a way everyone could understand.  But… yes, the ones actually planning  _ how _ to do what she wanted to do were me and Garnet.  Well.  Often mainly me.”

Jasper laughed; she couldn't help it.  “You.”

“It's not that ridiculous an idea,” Pearl said, crossing her arms.  

“No, it's not ridiculous at all.  It's just typical.  I think I know where I am and you amaze me.  I’m getting to the point where I'm not surprised to be surprised, if that makes any sense.”

“I didn't plan  _ everything,  _ obviously there were some decisions that were hers alone,” Pearl said, and then sighed.  “But at the time I did think she discussed everything important with me. Of course, recently I’ve learned that wasn't true.  Things like Lion, and Bismuth, and… there were things I  _ knew _ I didn't know, like exactly what happened with Pink Diamond or why she felt she had to do things as she did with Steven.  I’d never realised there would be so many things I  _ didn't  _ know I didn't know.  How much of her life was a secret from me.  And I don't know if she felt she couldn't trust me, or she had to do it because I made her feel I was  _ prying…” _  She stopped and shook her head briskly.  “I don't know why I'm telling you all that.  It's nothing to do with you and it's pointless to dwell on it.”

“It's sort of to do with me,” Jasper offered, “since it means a lot of the tactics I respected all those years, in spite of everything, were yours.  It's one more reason why I respect  _ you.”   _ It was true but it was also a relief to get off the topic of Rose and hopefully to make Pearl feel nice in the process.  

“Oh, well, aren't you sweet,” said Pearl, evidently at least a bit mollified.  “Do you want a rematch?”

“Huh?”  That was a jarring shift.  She didn’t mean of the  _ war, _ did she?

“A rematch of our duel.  After all, now you know me better as a strategist, or rather you now know the strategy you remember was largely mine.  With that perspective, would you like to go another round?”

Jasper leaned back a bit and put her hands on her hips.  “You sure?   Because I’m not showing off when I say this; unless you've got something I’ve never seen in your little bag of tricks, ten to one I’m going to win.”

“I realise that, and you should be well aware that I thrive on a challenge.”  Pearl always had nice posture but she was standing up particularly straight and there was a defiant gleam in her eye.  Jasper couldn't help smiling, not because that was funny but because she was just kind of delightful like that.  

“Okay, let's go.  I won't go easy on you, but I won't be trying to mess you up.”

“Your forbearance may be your downfall,” Pearl said airily, and swished past her back toward Steven and Connie, who were now sitting hand in hand looking nervous but happy.  “All sorted out?” she asked brightly.  

“Yep!” said Steven.  “We’re going.  All set.”

“I hope you have a wonderful time,” Pearl said.  

“And you too,” said Connie politely. 

Pearl frowned slightly.  “But of course I won't be there; we’ll put up the decorations during the day and then go home.”

“But don't  _ you _ want to go, Jasper?” Steven asked.  

“Um.  Was hoping to,” Jasper said, caught unprepared.  

“So you should too!” Steven said to Pearl.

“It's simply not my kind of thing,” Pearl said.  “But you're welcome to go, Jasper; Steven and Amethyst will both be there to look after you if you need any support, and I trust you entirely to behave  _ yourself _ appropriately.”

“We were really hoping you would too,” Jasper said, mentally cussing herself for not realising this might come up after Steven and Connie talked.   She'd wasted all the time she could have been working out what to say just being interested in Pearl.  “Everyone else is going so it would feel like something important was missing without you.”   _ And if you won't go Amethyst won't go and that takes away my reason to go and I actually just sort of want to go now.    _ She wanted people to see her in her new dress, she thought it would be fun to see Jenny there, she wanted to see Steven and Connie were having a good time.  

“Jasper and I were just going to have a  _ fight,” _ Pearl said, managing to give “fight” the inflection of “special treat.”  

“Ooh, what about?” Steven asked.  

“A fight for the sake of fighting is the purest form of fight.”  She drew her spear from her forehead with a flourish.

“What  _ if,”  _ said Connie, “you fought about whether Pearl is going to go to the ball?”

“No, that's not fair,” Jasper said.  “That just traps Pearl because I’m going to win.  And we want her to  _ want _ to go.”

“Remember how sure you were that you would win  _ last _ time?” Pearl asked, idly twirling the spear like a baton.

“Oh come on.  I outweigh you, I’m stronger than you, I have a longer stride and a longer reach.  You have an advantage in agility but that only goes so far.  Plus, last time you were — parkouring off of everything, now I can’t do that but this time I’m prepared for it, I know how you move and I know the terrain here.  I’m not saying you won’t challenge me but you’re not going to have it all your way this time.”

“We’ll just have to see about that, won’t we?”

“You’re the one who’s spoiling for a fight,” Jasper replied, smiling more calmly than she felt.  “I’m just being a good sport here.”

“Come on,” Pearl said, and swatted her across the backside with the flat of the spear, startling her, before prancing out to the middle of the arena.  Jasper tried to play it off by rubbing the place ruefully and mouthing “Ow” at Steven and Connie, but she felt foolish and that made her irritable and  _ that _ was exactly what Pearl was trying to do, of course it was, get her mad and flustered.  She followed Pearl out to the centre space and stretched out her arms and rolled her shoulders back. 

“Ready when you are,” she said, summoning her helmet.

“In fairness I should mention that this time I’ll be using a trident,” Pearl said, adjusting her spear with an attachment she’d taken from her head.  “This is some of Bismuth’s work, isn’t it elegant?  It should be some consolation to you to get beaten with a weapon that’s also a work of art.”

“Your version of trash-talking is so fancy-pants.  I’ll snap your trident into a nonedent.”

“Come and try,” said Pearl, and it was on.

Jasper knew she was fighting better this time, she wasn’t startled and discombobulated by everything Pearl did, but she was still struggling just to get  _ near _ her, let alone get hold of her.  “Stop running away!” she growled.  “If you’re trying to tire me out, I don’t do that.”

“All right,” said Pearl, and rushed her, twisting round at the last second and skipping like a flea just ahead of a series of blows that left craters in the paving.  She flipped up in the air and the next thing Jasper knew she was dodging a hail of blue-white beams that burnt her hair and gave her stinging little shocks wherever they struck. 

“Those are  _ lasers!” _ she bellowed indignantly.

“Oh, did I not mention I could do that?” Pearl asked from atop a pile of rubble, and tittered.  “Naughty me.”

Jasper was caught in the unaccustomed experience of genuinely wanting to clobber her opponent and wanting to laugh at the same time.  This wasn’t the way she understood fighting could be fun, she wasn’t  _ beating _ anyone, so why was she  _ enjoying _ herself?  She knew what she was going to do now, she had made good use of her opportunity this time around to observe Pearl.  It was useless to aim for where she thought Pearl  _ was; _ she had to anticipate where she was  _ going _ to be.  There was a bit of geometry about it and probably Pearl would be proud to hear that some of that was rubbing off on her; things about lines of motion and angles that she understood instinctively were making more conscious sense.  She was getting the rhythm of Pearl’s movements down, screening her own intentions with a show of bullish rage.  

When her hand finally struck out as Pearl flashed by she still almost failed; she didn’t grab Pearl’s body as she had intended but the flying tail of her sky-blue sash.  Good enough; she yanked it and the bow popped and Pearl was spun around by the unravelling sash like a top.  It wasn’t a controlled spin like all her artistic twirling and for just a moment she was dizzy; a moment was all Jasper needed.  She closed the distance in a leap and grabbed Pearl with one big hand, pinning her spear arm to the side of her body, and hauled her other fist back for a finishing punch.  At the top of her fist’s arc she stopped herself, forcibly.  Pearl’s eyes were wide  and startled and she wasn’t afraid  _ yet _ but she was on the verge.  To actually hit her now would be brutal, but Jasper couldn’t just let her go.  She thought of Amethyst and swung her fist through the air in slow motion, with a long whistle as if it were falling from a great height.  Just before it reached Pearl’s flushed face she popped out her forefinger and touched the end of her pointed nose.  “Beep.”

She let go, stepped back and bowed to Steven and Connie, then converted the bow into a swift forward roll to escape from an extremely unsporting attempt by Pearl to whack her with the trident.

“No cheating!” she cried, rolling back up and tossing her hair back.  “I beeped you fair and square.”

“She did!” shouted Connie.  “A beep, a very palpable beep!”

“We never said anything about fighting to the  _ beep,”  _ said Pearl, but she put her weapon away. 

“Well, I can catch you again and poof you if it makes you feel better, but I thought it would just spoil your day.  Honour’s satisfied as far as I'm concerned.”  Jasper shrugged, handing back the sash.  

“Plus the ball is only two weeks away and you might not be back in time to finish your decorations,” Steven said with an anxious frown.  

“You take that long to reform?” Jasper asked, getting up.  “I’m back like that.”  She snapped her fingers. 

“It's just the way I am,” Pearl said, knotting her sash, “and if you took longer you might find ways to make improvements.”

“But I'm physically perfect,” Jasper said, nonplussed.  “I’m not just saying that, I’ve got a certificate.   _ Had _ a certificate.  All the things wrong with me are in my mind and you don't fix those reforming.  I'm a pork chop.  I would've thought you were too, I mean, within the Pearl range.”

“Well, there are aesthetic considerations,” Pearl said, folding her arms.  

“What's wrong with the way I look?” Jasper asked, dismayed.  She’d thought she was giving Pearl a pretty nice compliment and hadn’t expected criticism in return.

“Nothing!  Nothing at all, you look wonderful, I mean  _ I  _ like the opportunity to refresh my aesthetic.  I don't find it as easy to shapeshift changes of clothes as you seem to, so I prefer to develop something I really like as a default.”

“I remember you shapeshifting a pretty dress for that picnic we had with the Pizzas, though,” Steven said.  

“Oh, did you?” Jasper asked, interested.  

“Because it was a special occasion and we were all making an effort,” Pearl explained.  “That was actually quite difficult.  I wouldn't do it casually.”

“And there's your cool spacesuit!”

“Oh, that's a preset,” she said dismissively.  

“And when we did the pop-up restaurant —”

“No, those were material garments, I went to a clothing shop while I was out getting your ingredients.”

“Can I see your cool spacesuit?” Jasper asked.  

“I haven't seen it either,” said Connie.  

“Oh, all right.”  Pearl closed her eyes and put her hands to her head and her clothes shimmered and changed into a snug-fitting one-piece suit.  

“That is  _ très _ cool,” Connie said.  

“And you have a pink diamond!” Jasper exclaimed.  She was surprised at how happy it made her to see that on Pearl.  

“Oh,” Pearl said, and then, carefully, “This was a preset from when I was made, Jasper.  I didn't design it and can't really change it.  I haven't had any allegiance to any Diamond for a very long time.”

“Yeah, I know,” Jasper said, feeling stupid.  “I just like pink.”  They were all kind enough not to point out what a feeble lie that was, and Pearl shimmered back into her own clothes.  “You did look good in it,” Jasper said.  

“She looks  _ great _ in her tuxedo,” Steven said, “which is  _ exactly  _ the right kind of thing to wear to a ball.”  He grinned and waggled his eyebrows hopefully. 

“Is it  _ really  _ important to you all that I go?” Pearl asked with a sigh.  

“Yes!” they chorused.  

“All right then, I can make an effort.  And I suppose it would be satisfying to see the  _ reaction  _ to the decorations,” she mused.   _ “And _ I don't have to think about what to wear or go to any trouble to generate or acquire it, which is convenient.  And if anyone annoys me I can always just walk away.  Yes.”

“And you can dance!” Steven said eagerly.  “You love dancing.  We don't have actual dance cards but if I can sort of book a dance with you now, I will.”

“And me too,” Connie said.  “I’m not a very  _ good  _ dancer but I'm going to try to get out there so having a plan to look forward to is encouraging.”  They both looked expectantly up at Jasper, who felt suddenly and unaccountably shy.  That was weird.  She would have been disgusted with herself if she were  _ afraid  _ to dance with someone, even if she still thought it was safer for all concerned if she avoided  _ fusion  _ dances, but she would have understood where that came from. Instead she just felt confused and sweaty.  

“I haven't really decided if I'm going to dance yet,” she said.  “I might just talk to people and listen to the music.”

“And we  _ entirely  _ understand that,” said Pearl firmly, which made matters so much worse.  She clearly thought Jasper  _ was  _ scared and it was infuriating to look like a coward to Pearl of all people.  Once that would have been because she was a Pearl; now it was because she was  _ Pearl.   _ She didn't know how to explain it without looking even more foolish.  

“Have you thought about what you’re going to wear?” she asked Connie quickly.  “I can help you pick if you’re not sure.”

“Oh, um, I have a winter party dress… but I might have grown out of it and maybe it isn't fancy enough for a ball?” Connie said, tucking her hair back behind her ear, her shoulders rising a bit.  “I don't want to look out of place.”

“You won't,” Jasper said, sitting down beside her.  “Amethyst was worried about the same thing but this morning I showed her the dress I worked out for her and she loves it.  You just have to find what looks good on you  _ and _ feels good to wear.  You always look good in blue.”

“And you’ll look pretty whatever you wear,” Steven said.  

“I still don't want to wear the wrong thing,” Connie said.  “Everyone will notice.”

“It's okay, we’ll figure something out.  It's a shame you can't just shapeshift but we can get some pictures together and figure out what you should look for.”  Jasper gave Connie a friendly nudge with her elbow, which rocked her to one side.  “We can't let Amethyst get all the attention.”

“If I can just not get the  _ wrong  _ kind of attention I’ll be happy,” Connie said, but she looked encouraged.  

 

They ordered pizza that night and it was delivered by Jenny, a little miffed that she got sand in her sneakers walking round to the house.  “Like obviously they should pave a road round here so I could drop off pizzas in the car,” she said, sitting down on the stairs up to the deck to shake the sand out.  

“I listened to Metallica,” Jasper said.  She had been waiting for Jenny hanging half over the deck railings with the money in her hand.  “I mean the album  _ Metallica.   _ It was amazing!  I still don't understand most of what they're going on about but I love the way it sounds.  I'm listening to Iron Maiden next.  Oh, and I'm meant to pay you.  First time paying for anything.”

“Seriously?  Okay, it's an honour to be part of your first paying-for-stuff experience.  Get used to  _ that. _  Ain't nothing free.”

“Even if you have the loyalty card?” Jasper asked.  “I know we're paying for the pepperoni and mushroom but Steven said this pays for the Hawaiian.”  She held out the little rectangle of cardboard.  

“Okay, no, this is free.”  Jenny tore the corner of the card and tucked it in her jacket pocket.  

“He also says I need to step up to dealing with people more and not just watch Pearl do it.  So here is the pizza money and here is the tip.  What is it the tip  _ of?” _

“No one knows, but it's going in the concert tix fund.”

“Oh!  You know all about concerts and shows and things, right?”

“Sure do.”

“What kind of shows do large women mainly go to?”

“What?” Jenny asked, crinkling her nose.

“I’m asking for a friend.”

“I… no shows, I mean it doesn't matter what size you are.  You just go if you like the band or you want to be there with other people.”  Jenny shrugged.  “I mean it's a bonus to be tall, you can get the best view.”

“Okay.  Damn.  Well, it was a long shot anyway.”

“You mean large like you or large like fat?” Jenny asked, pulling her shoes back on. 

“I think either’s good.”  She supposed Rose Quartz had been both.

“And… what for?”

“Oh, it doesn't matter.  I’ll figure something else out.”

“What, like walking into a club and yelling ‘Where the big women at?’  You might wanna refine your approach.  You also might wanna take those inside before they get cold.”  She got up and slapped the top of the pizza boxes balanced in Jasper’s hands and gave her a grin.  

“Did I do paying you right?”

“Yeah, you’re a pretty generous tipper.  Why did I even do this, Jasper?  They’re only gonna fill up again on the way back.  I gotta get new winter boots.”  She stuck her hands in her jacket pockets and trekked off across the sand.  “See ya!”

Jasper ran up the steps and ducked through the doorway, managing not to crack her head on the lintel — it still got her sometimes when she forgot herself, and having a pretty hard head, she had dinged and chipped the wood in a few places.  “Pizza’s here,” she announced, “and I, via Steven, am a generous tipper.”

“Go you,” said Amethyst, jumping up and grabbing the top pizza box and opening it.  “Aw man, I know I can't really talk but pineapple on pizza is nasty.”

“Well, I like it.”  Jasper snatched the box back and pushed the other one at her. 

“I always think it’d be more Hawaiian with Spam.”

“We should  _ make _ that one day!” Steven called down from his loft.  “Can you bring up the paper towels?  I forgot them getting the soda and cups.”

 

They arranged themselves comfortably in front of Steven's TV, Jasper sitting on the floor with her back against the foot of Steven’s bed and her legs splayed out in front of her.  The other two more or less used her as an armchair.

“Tonight,” Steven announced with a cheek full of pizza, “at the Semi-Regular Quartz Family Pizza Party we continue our Studio Ghibli season with  _ Porco Rosso.” _

Towards the end it made Jasper cry, at first gently and then quite torrentially — as Steven pointed out in awe, actual Ghibli tears.

“Was this a bad choice of movie?” he asked, mopping at her face with a handful of paper towels.

“Nuh-no,” she managed to say, “it’s one of the best things I’ve ever seen.  Shh, don’t talk through it.”  She finished the movie holding Amethyst tucked under her chin more or less like a teddy bear with the lower part of her face buried in her hair and only her weepy eyes peering out.

“I knew you would love all the flying parts, and I do always tear up a bit at the part with all the ghost planes, but I didn’t know you’d have this big of a reaction,” Steven said.

“Because it’s about corruption,” Jasper said, surprised he hadn’t got it.  “It’s not exactly the same but it’s so close it really got me.”  She put her hand to her chest, as if indicating where.

“Ohhhhhh,” he said.

“And - I didn’t get it wrong, did I?  At the end of the movie, Marco is himself again?  That’s what we’re supposed to think?”

“I  _ definitely _ think he is,” Steven said firmly.  “And he lived happily ever after with his true love.”

“You done mashing me, sis?” Amethyst asked.

“Yeah.  Thanks for putting up with it,” Jasper said with a watery smile, loosening her arms.

“Sallright, I don’t mind getting squoze in a good cause.”  

“What was  _ your _ favourite part?” Steven asked her.

“The pirates.  I am  _ always _ up for pirates.  The movie hasn’t been made that can’t be improved by the addition of pirates.”

“Oof,” said Jasper, wiping her face briskly.  “Too much soda.  Let me up, I need the bathroom.”

“You only think you need the bathroom,” Amethyst said.  “I’m comfy.  Hold it.”

“Nup.  You teach a Gem to have a metabolism, you deal with the consequences,” Jasper said, depositing her on the bed.  She lumbered off downstairs and once the bathroom door clicked shut behind her Steven scrambled up on the bed beside Amethyst and nudged her.

“Hey!” he said.  “So you know how we finally talked Pearl into going to the ball?”

“Yeah, good going on that.  And Connie!”  She grinned at him and nudged back.

“Uh, yeah, I kind of dropped the  _ ball _ on that one but fortunately Connie picked it up for me.  But about Pearl!  And Jasper!”

“What about Pearl and Jasper?”

“Okay, I’ve been keeping this under my hat but you should know too.”  He dropped his voice to a whisper.   _ “They’re in love.” _

“Say what now?”

“I’m not sure they realise it themselves yet but they’re totally in love!”

Amethyst blinked at him.  “Uh, Stee-man, do you remember the whole part where we’re trying to get Pearl to the ball so she can meet chicks, and where this was  _ Jasper’s _ idea?”

“Oh, foof.”

“I don’t think that’s foof, I think she really just wants to help Pearl find someone cool.”

“Well, you didn’t see them flirting over the pies.  Or today!  Once Pearl said she’d go, Connie and me both said we’d like to dance with her and then Jasper  _ should _ have said she would too but instead she  _ blushed _ and changed the subject, so I  _ know _ she likes her and she’s just bashful.”

“Or she feels weird about dancing because of all her fusion dramz,” Amethyst pointed out.  “People don’t always blush because they’re crushing and Jasper gets embarrassed about funny things.”

“It sounds like you don’t  _ want _ it to be true.  Don’t you think it would be nice?” he asked plaintively.

“Look.  I’m not  _ anti,  _ I’m just not  _ convinced.   _ And if they do like each other they should figure it out on their own, we shouldn't take that away from them.”

“Oh, I agree!  But that doesn’t mean we can’t, you know, help out by setting the scene.  Paving the way.  You're the one who yelled at them to hurry up and hug each other.”

“Yeah.”  Amethyst thought that over, frowning.  “Yeah, that  _ could’ve _ been… but jeez, they're both so  _ awkward.” _

“They could be awkward together!  I mean, Pearl is lonely, and Jasper's had such a hard time, it would be —”

“Like happily ever after?” Amethyst suggested.  

“Well, I know you don't get happily ever after in real life because it isn't a story with an end, but  _ happier after that.” _

They heard the toilet flush and he hushed himself.

“She’ll be a minute,” Amethyst said, “she always makes faces at herself in the mirror for a while.  She’s so weird,” she added fondly.  

“Okay,” Steven said, “I super swear I’m not going to meddle or matchmake or anything,  _ but _ pinkie pact that if we see an opportunity to help romance bloom, we will?”

“Hrrmmmm… okay, pinkie pact, but only if I really think they’re into each other, which I’m still not sold on.”

“Conditional pinkie pact it is.”  They hooked fingers and shook on it.

 

In the small hours of the morning Pearl left her room just to assure herself that Steven was peacefully sleeping and all was well.  Both seemed to be true, although he wasn’t alone; Amethyst was sprawled at the foot of his bed, softly snoring, and Jasper was curled up on the floor hugging a pillow.  They were all sound asleep amid a litter of pizza boxes, paper cups and napkins and empty soft drink bottles.  She suppressed a tut and moved around soundlessly tidying up, disposed of the trash in the appropriate receptacles and returned to sit for a few minutes at Steven’s bedside, watching him sleep.  He’d grown another of those hairs on his face that he was so proud of.  Was he going to end up with a beard like Greg’s?  She didn’t think she approved of that.  It was a waste of the beautiful complexion he’d inherited from Rose.

It occurred to her that if all three of them were sleeping, together, they might be journeying in dreams together too.  That made her feel a trifle left out.  In private, she had been trying to sleep more herself, if only for the chance that she would see Rose in her dreams again.  Even if she was moving on, she could still feel nostalgic.  It was difficult to induce the state of sleep in the first place, because you had to stop  _ thinking, _ and then there was no guarantee of what sort of dreams would come.  

One had been beautiful, dancing with Rose in a ballroom of clouds, but when the music had slowed and Rose had pulled her close and Pearl had laid her head on her bosom, she had realised that she was only holding clouds, strange dream-clouds like warm puffs of floating powder that dissipated and left only faint rose-scented traces on her face and hands.  There had been a few others in which Rose had been present but Greg had reared his head, which was really not a motif she wished to encourage, and then a lot of extremely unnecessary obvious anxiety dreams in which she couldn’t find Steven and knew he was in danger, or something dark and terrible was coming for her and she couldn’t move properly and when she tried to scream for help her voice was only a hoarse whisper, or her gemstone fell out of her forehead and she tried desperately to stick it back in but it wouldn’t fit any more.  That one  _ really _ had not made sense.  

She had had only one dream that she could properly call a nightmare, in which she was helplessly watching the Earth break apart in space and then, somehow, knew she was being crushed by the Diamonds.  She had woken from that in a real panic and it had taken several minutes to calm herself even though she  _ knew _ it wasn’t really happening.

Amethyst rolled from her back onto her tummy, head turned to the side, and stopped snoring.  She looked very innocent with her face all softened by sleep, and Pearl wanted very much to touch her cheek and brush back the tangle of hair half draped over it..  It might have woken Amethyst, though, and spoiled whatever she might be dreaming about.  

The strange thing was that sleep made Jasper look innocent too.  The way her face was pressed against the pillow called attention to the fact that she actually had slightly chubby cheeks; Pearl didn’t usually see that about her face.  Her heavy eyebrows looked soft and almost as if they were floating free of their usual position, and her mouth was just a little bit open.  Pearl was surprised by an impulse to put a blanket over her.  Would she appreciate that or even notice it?  Or would waking up to find someone had interfered with her sleeping arrangements bother her?

Pearl kept second-guessing her responses to Jasper lately, she knew, and she also knew it was silly because so many of the best times they had had together had been based on impulsive acts or conversations that had drifted idly.  Today, for example, had been such a wonderful fight and they should spar  _ more,  _ but after thinking that she began to fret about whether she would overdo it, or things would become really aggressive rather than a friendly competition because Jasper’s past experience of competition was all so hostile, or that Jasper just wouldn't enjoy it as much as she did and would only be going along with it out of politeness — or out of duty, since they still had this promise between them that was starting to get on Pearl’s nerves.  

If she told Jasper she trusted her now and released her from her promise, would that mean Jasper would stop spending time with her?   Not completely, probably, since they did live in the same house and had people in common, but surely Jasper would rather be independent.  She should ask Garnet’s opinion first anyway; it wasn't just up to  _ her _ to decide Jasper was trustworthy now.   She both wanted the excuse to stay together, knew she had to know whether the excuse was all that  _ kept _ them together, and dreaded finding out that it was.  

Or the other remote but thrilling but also unnerving possibility, that the end of her probation wouldn't greatly change what Jasper wanted to do.  That she actually had a — a companion would probably be the best and safest way to put it.   Pearl was both old enough and certainly experienced enough to recognise her own feelings.  She had gone from feeling that Jasper was beautiful but hard to like, to genuinely liking her very much, to finding that while she wasn’t paying attention because she was enjoying having this extremely unlikely new friend,  _ sneakily, _ plain aesthetic appreciation of her looks had converted itself into a wistful attraction that complicated everything.

It wasn’t an overwhelming passion, it was just this stealthily persuasive little feeling that she really ought to be touching Jasper, ought to be close to her, leaning against her so she could feel the abundant softness of her hair tickle her own bare arms.  That her hand just fit the crook of Jasper’s elbow and her head would just fit the slope of her shoulder and such a nice neat fit shouldn’t be ignored because it didn’t come along every day.  It hadn’t come along for many,  _ many _ years.

On the other hand, she was very much aware of what Jasper had told her that time when they were walking home from the supermarket.  She’d never been in love, she’d never had any genuinely intimate relationship, and while that brought on all sorts of florid thoughts of a  _ let-me-show-you-what-love-is! _ nature it also gave Pearl pause.  Perhaps it was just a bit soon for Jasper to consider anything romantic.  She was getting used to a new home and real friendship and had a very complicated emotional situation of her own and perhaps, just perhaps, the second-guessing was a sensible and necessary part of Pearl’s mind telling her not to go rushing in and making a terrible, horrible, upsetting mess of things just because  _ she _ had feelings.  It wasn’t exactly the same as the Sardonyx débâcle because neither fusion nor fibbing was involved but look what a good idea  _ that _ had felt like at the time.

And of course there was the possibility that Jasper was fond of her as a friend but not remotely attracted to her, but she’d rather not dwell on that.  

In the end she did go and find a blanket for Jasper, but she also put one over Amethyst, since she didn’t want  _ her _ to feel left out.

 

“Phone’s for you, Jasper,” Steven called out from his loft.  

Jasper looked up from her book; she was also successfully engaged in very gradually nudging Lion out of the 2.00 pm sunbeam while he slept.  “What do you mean?”

“I mean Connie wants to talk to you on the phone.”  He waved it in the air for her to see.

“Oh, I thought you were  _ giving _ me a phone for some reason.”

“I could give you a phone.  Do you  _ want _ a phone?  Dad would buy it if we asked.”

“Do I  _ need _ a phone?”  With great reluctance she got up; Lion sighed and instantly, smugly oozed into the space she’d vacated.

“I dunno,” said Steven, shrugging.  “It might be useful or fun.  You can take pictures and videos and play games as well as talk to people.”  Jasper climbed the stairs, sat at the top of them and reached for the phone, which he handed her.  She had seen him use it enough to know that you held it by your face; it wouldn’t project video of the other person in the air, although if they also had the right type of phone you could see them on its screen.  

“Hello, Connie?” she said.

“Hi, Jasper.  Oh!  Is this your first phone call?”

“It is!”

“Neat!”  

“Thank you for doing a first with me.”

“We can celebrate the anniversary next year.  I called to ask you something.”

“Yes?”

“Well, when my mom finishes work today she’s driving me out to the mall to look for a dress because, yes, I’ve grown out of my winter party dress, and she said I could ask you if you’d like to come.”

“Me?” Jasper asked, surprised.

“Yeah, you’re good at choosing clothes and also she says she’s heard a lot about you and would like to meet you herself.”

“I would have to ask Pearl.  Or get her to come with us.”

“That would be fine, my mom likes Pearl.  She thinks she’s sensible.”

“Well, I could… I could ask Pearl what she thinks and then call  _ you _ back, meaning you get to be in on my first time  _ receiving _ a phone call and first time  _ making _ a phone call.  Huh?”

“That’s a great idea,” Connie said.  “Talk to you soon!”  She clicked off.

“Can you let me in the Temple?” Jasper asked Steven, who was blatantly eavesdropping with his cheek against the other side of the phone.  It probably didn’t even count as eavesdropping when you were that transparent about it.

“I don’t know how the door works,” Steven said, “but it seems like there should be a way to give you your own key.”

“Not without remaking the lock,” Jasper said.  “I’ve seen locks like that, they’re old-fashioned now but pretty secure.  You need to have one of the matching gemstones - or two, obviously, if you’re Garnet.  Nothing else is going to open it.  In fact, the last time I saw a lock like that was on a door to a private council chamber that was Diamonds only.  It’s kind of typical of the Crystal Gems that they’d think oh yes, we’ll just have a door like that in our base, whatever we want is good enough for us.  Not that I’m criticising, they’re just… audacious.”

_ “Could _ they remake the lock to include you?” Steven asked.

“Why would they?  It’s a Crystal Gem lock and I’m not a Crystal Gem and don’t want to be.”

He gave her a Look.  “Jasper, you live with us.”

“They’d have to change the design.  That’s their star, right?  Five points for five Gems, no space for me unless they stuck my stone in the middle as if I was the most important.”  Jasper frowned.  “Come to think of it, I wonder why they didn’t do a four-pointed shape and have Rose Quartz in the middle.”

“Maybe she didn’t think she was the most important,” Steven said.  “Although I guess if the Temple was here before they found Amethyst, it might have had an older door with a different design then, so maybe they’ve remade it before.  Anyway!  Let’s go find Pearl.”

“Oh wait!  You can’t see in her room though.  Ball decoration secrets.”

“Seriously?”

“You want your winter wonderland, don’t you?  Don’t interfere with Pearl’s process.”

 

Jasper found Pearl sitting in the middle of a drift of diaphonous white fabric, stitching with great alacrity.

“Oh, hello!” she said.  “These drapes should be ready with time to spare.  It’s certainly not  _ easy _ to completely camouflage the gymnasity of a gymnasium, but I think our illusion will be successful!”

“That’s great!  You know I’d help you with that job, but I just can’t do the fine detail stuff like you can.”  It wasn’t that she wouldn’t have  _ tried _ to learn to sew but one look at the size of the needles had made it clear it wasn’t realistic.  Pearl had apparently taught herself centuries ago just because she was bored, and also because she’d always had an affinity for sharp pointy steel things.

“But you are without peer for the heavy lifting, so it balances out,” Pearl said, stitching without pause.  

“Listen,” Jasper said, sitting down beside her, “I just talked to Connie on the phone.”

“Oh, you’re using the phone?”

“First time today.”

“You  _ are _ a pioneer.”

“Connie called to ask me to go shopping for a dress with her and her mother.  Which would also be fairly pioneering; I never  _ shopped _ for clothes before, only copied them or made them up myself.”

“Buying clothes for children is not that difficult,” Pearl said, “as long as you have their correct measurements and refuse to be turned from your purpose.”

“So I came to ask you whether you want to go together or, if you don’t, whether this could be a Pearl Privilege situation.”

Pearl stuck her needle into a pincushion and thought about it.  “Well, Dr Maheswaran is a very sensible human, and of course Connie is thoroughly reliable.  You should be perfectly safe with them.  I’m — I’m sorry I said that about the privileges, really.  It shouldn’t be a  _ privilege _ for you to go somewhere with friends, you have a  _ right _ to do that.  I was just thinking of how to make it work within the Pearl Points system but I don’t think it works at all well for that.”

“But you could come with us too if you wanted to.  I’m not asking for permission to leave you behind, that’s the second choice option if you don’t want to go.”

“I’m too busy with this.  But Jasper…”  Pearl looked troubled but she pressed on.  “If you  _ like _ Pearl Points, if they make you feel  _ encouraged,  _ then let’s keep using them, but otherwise there’s no need.”

“I — of course I like them,” Jasper said.  “Where did this come from?  I think Pearl Points are really  _ sweet.   _ I thought they were ridiculous at first but clearly they just needed time to grow on me.”

“Good,” said Pearl, and nodded.  “Good.  But I think it’s about time we changed the rules.  I discussed this with Garnet this morning and we agreed.  I meant to talk to you about it tonight but this is a good opportunity.  There’s no reason to keep you on a promise any more.  We know you well enough now to trust you, so no more probation, no more being grounded to the house unless I’m with you.  Please  _ tell _ us what you’re planning to do, obviously, but it’s up to you now.”  She patted Jasper’s arm and gave her a hopeful, anxious little smile.

Jasper blinked at her; she wouldn’t have expected this so soon.  She didn’t know  _ when _ she had expected it would happen; she had just sort of accepted all this as her life for the foreseeable future.  She’d liked the predictability it offered, even if the restrictions were sometimes inconvenient.  She looked at Pearl’s hand on her arm, and felt the patting falter.  “Does this mean we don’t… do this any more?”

“Do what?”

“All the nice things we’ve been doing.  Is this the end of that?”

“No, of  _ course _ not.”  Pearl’s face brightened right up.  “We can carry right on!”

“Oh,  _ phew. _  I thought for a moment there I was getting ditched.  Or at least cut back or something.”

“Oh no, no.”  Pearl was still beaming but her eyes were welling up.

“Pearl?  What’s wrong?”

“Oh, I’m just happy that you feel the same way I do; I  _ thought _ you would but there was just that little nagging worry that as soon as I said you didn’t have to stay you would go.”  

“Oh come  _ on. _  Come here, you’re just being weird.”  She pulled Pearl into her arms without really thinking about it and hugged her, feeling her soft feathery hair brush her cheek.  “It’s okay.  You’re important to me.”  It made her laugh a little.

“I know I’m being silly,” Pearl said indistinctly.

“I’m not laughing at you, it’s funny because it’s so not me.”

“What’s not you?”  Pearl moved and for a moment Jasper thought she was trying to extricate herself but she was only making herself comfortable with her head on Jasper’s shoulder and her arms around her waist.  Her hands could meet at the back, a nice close fit.

“I don’t know.  Mush like this.  I’m used to it with Amethyst and Steven by now.  I like it but…”  She laughed again, faintly.  “Well, it’s  _ me, _ you know?  So it’s sort of ridiculous.”  

“Well, it may be incongruous for the you you’re used to, but it seems in line with the you I’ve got to know.”  

“I should let you finish off the drapes,” Jasper said, reluctantly loosening her arms.  “I guess I’m going to see what shopping is like.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Question: Did Pearl deliberately use only low-intensity lasers because this was a friendly match, or is Jasper so ridiculously sturdy that she registers being hit with lasers only as "ow, that stings?" Even I don't know.


	25. Chapter 25

It wasn’t a straightforward plan.  Jasper walked into town and the Maheswarans came to pick her up from in front of the supermarket in a silver-grey car; that was a loop out of their way rather than going direct to the mall which was further away inland.  Steven had explained that a mall was a big building with a lot of stores inside it, as opposed to a street with stores on either side like she had seen, but then, he hadn’t actually been to a mall either, only seen them on television.

“Connie talked about it like it was a really ordinary place to go,” Jasper said, confused.  “You’re _from_ here, so why haven’t you been?”

“I have an alternative lifestyle,” Steven said, shrugging.  

Connie had also suggested that she change her clothes for the occasion.  “People are weird,” she said.  “There’s something in our minds that makes us see what we’re expecting to see unless we really, really have to recognise something different.  So if you’re dressed like any other woman going shopping, acting like you’re supposed to be there, most people are just going to think, ‘Gee she’s tall,’ not, ‘She’s not human,’ and they’ll just kind of accept you being there.”

It sounded pretty strange, but Connie must know better than she did, so Jasper had shapeshifted into an outfit that must be appropriate for shopping, since she had seen a woman wearing it going to the shops.  She’d liked the dress and cardigan combination; it was different for her.  She hadn’t been waiting long when the car pulled up, the passenger door opened and Connie hopped out.  

“Hi, Jasper!”  

“Did I dress right?” Jasper asked, holding out her arms.

“Oh,” said Connie.  “Um, it’s a really nice outfit, but… did you notice it’s snowing today?”

“Damn it.  Of course, everyone’s wearing coats and hats.”  Connie had a cute little blue coat with white pockets shaped like cat faces and matching earmuffs.

“That’s okay, you can change, right?”

“Yeah, I just wish I’d thought of it myself.”  She concentrated and shifted surfaces; a dark red trenchcoat over the dress and, at least she _had_ thought of this, boots up to her knees instead of the flat shoes she’d worn before.  “Pass muster?”

“You look great.  Don’t you feel the cold?”

“I can feel _that_ it’s cold, but it doesn’t affect me like you.  If you get too cold you’ll die, so your body reacts and makes you uncomfortable till you do something about it, right?  That won’t happen to me, so I don’t have the reaction.  If I shiver or sweat it’s because of… internal stuff, not external.”

“Interesting explanation.”  A woman in a purple coat had got out of the other door and was looking at her over the roof of the car.  “Hello, I’m Priyanka, Connie’s mother.”

“Hello.”   _Manners, come on._ “I’m pleased to meet you.”  She looked like Connie, that was interesting, not exactly the same but similar, especially around the nose.  It must be what books meant when they talked about a family resemblance, _sort_ of like the resemblance between Gems of the same type but different because of the whole business of age.  Priyanka came around the front of the car and offered a gloved hand for her to shake.

“Crap, I forgot gloves.”  She quickly added them and shook.  “Sorry about saying crap.”   _Why am I nervous?  This is stupid.  She’s just a person and I’m just a person, right?  That’s how I should be trying to think of it.  I haven’t even_ done _anything to her, as far as I know._

“We may have a problem,” Priyanka said.  “I’m not sure you’ll fit in our car.”

“No, I can — all right, this may look weird to you, but I’ve been doing weird things in front of you anyway.”  She took a careful look at Priyanka for reference and shrank herself to a similar size.  “I can’t hold this indefinitely, but Connie said it was about half an hour’s drive, right?”

“That’s right,” said Priyanka, nodding slowly, “and believe me, this isn’t the weirdest thing I’ve seen since Connie met Steven.”

“I should be okay for that long.”

She sat in the back seat of the car, feeling weird all over at being enclosed in an alien vehicle and not even her right size, while Connie sat up front beside her mother and kept twisting around in her seat to talk to her.

“I hope you’ll have fun today.  Actually… what _do_ Gems do for fun on Homeworld?”

“Depends on status and role,” Jasper said, shrugging.  “The élite enjoy music and dance and artsy things like that.  Tech Gems… I think for them it’s puzzles and complicated brainy games, I don’t know very much about it.  Fighting and working Gems do physical training and of course we fight to see who’s best or watch the fights.  Well, _everyone_ watches the fights, but the élite are up in their boxes and there’s separate seating for the techs.  They’re not watching for fun so much as I think they’re watching for ideas.  How to build a better fighter, what they can do with the resources they’ve got left.  It’s all about doing more with less these days, but they couldn’t compete with me.”  

“How do you mean resources?” Connie asked.

“I… don’t know all about it, it isn’t my side of things, but natural geological resources that go into the making of new Gems.  They got used up faster than they could be replenished, I guess.”

“That’s like us with oil!  Well, if we used oil to make babies instead of just for fuel.  Like for this car — although it’s a hybrid so that’s not as bad.  It’s going to run out before too long, _and_ burning it pollutes our atmosphere and contributes to global warming and rising sea levels and ocean acidity, _and_ there are cleaner alternatives ready to use, but there are such big vested interests in fossil fuel that who knows whether anything sane will get done.   _Meanwhile_ —”

“Connie, I’m not sure Jasper wants to hear about peak oil,” Priyanka said, signalling a turn.

“But it’s important!  And she lives on this planet too now.  She was even _born_ here, right, Jasper?”

“Made, not born,” Jasper said.  She felt suddenly self-conscious about the whole thing; did Priyanka’s reaction mean that this wasn’t a polite subject to talk about?  “Using geological resources.  Oh, but not your oil.  I’m pretty sure.”  She was beginning to feel very uncomfortable, very confined.  The strain of holding herself in was increasing, and she hoped she hadn’t overestimated her endurance.  Half an hour was feeling longer than it had sounded.  What would actually happen if she popped back to full size sitting in here?  Would her head punch through the roof of the vehicle?  If she couldn’t stop it she would just have to hunch over, there was probably enough space for her back here if she curled up tight.  What a stupid predicament she’d got herself into.  What she’d said to Connie about sweating for internal reasons was coming true.

When they finally parked outside the mall she first confused herself about how the inside door handle worked and then tumbled out, popped back to full size, bumped her hip into the car beside them, shunting it to one side, and set off an alarm.

“That wasn’t me,” she said hastily and untruthfully.

“It’s okay, it’s okay!” Connie said, scrambling out.  “You didn’t dent it.  Car alarms go off for nothing all the time.  Let’s move.”  She grabbed Jasper’s sleeve and pulled her along.

“Connie!” said Priyanka, hurrying after them.

“Well, she didn’t!”

“All right, but if she had we’d leave a note.  I’m not raising you to evade responsibility.”  Priyanka caught up and tugged Connie’s earmuffs into place.

The mall was unfamiliar and familiar at the same time; Jasper had been in Gem structures that had an architecture a little like this, a hard shininess with bright lighting.  But it was full of humans, roly-poly in their winter coats, and shops full of the things they liked.  Priyanka led the way into shops full of clothing and it became clear that Connie was counting on Jasper not only to have good taste but to be on her side in negotiations.

“It needs to be _age-appropriate,”_ Priyanka kept saying, and Connie kept responding that it could be age-appropriate without being _babyish._

“I don’t know anything about being age-appropriate,” Jasper admitted.  “Gems start our lives full-grown and age only matters in terms of life experience, it has nothing to do with your clothes.”

“What about this?” suggested Priyanka, pulling a dress from a rack.

“It has bows,” Connie said.

“You love bows.”

“I’m outgrowing bows!”

“My dress for the ball has bows,” Jasper said uncertainly.  At least the current revision of it did.

“Ah!” said Priyanka, raising her eyebrows.

 _“But_ what about this one?”  Jasper picked up another dress.  “Good colour for you, right?  Pretty fabric.  No bows.  Are bows inappropriate for _my_ age?”

“No,” said Connie, “once you’re over a thousand the bow statute of limitations expires.”

“Phew, I thought I was going to have to redo everything.”  She gave Connie a crooked smile and offered her the hanger.  “Try this one on?”

They went around several different stores before heading back to the third place they’d tried, where Connie was very happy with a royal blue velvet dress.  It seemed to meet both her requirements and Priyanka’s; it had a boat neck with little golden leaves embroidered around it, long sleeves, a fitted waist and a full skirt to knee length.  Without understanding the age thing, which seemed to be vast and unspoken and probably to have a lot to do with whatever mothers and daughters got up to between themselves, Jasper would have described it as fairly sophisticated but not quite glitzy; that seemed to be about where they were both aiming.

“I _really_ like it,” said Connie, turning around in front of the mirror.  “I want to accessorise it with a bejewelled eyepatch.”

“Please tell me you’re joking,” Priyanka said.

“Of course; a _bejewelled_ eyepatch would just be tacky.  Plain black velvet; _so_ much more elegant.”

“You never _used_ to be so cheeky,” Priyanka said, but she stepped up behind Connie, put her hands on her shoulders and looked her up and down in the mirror before giving a small smile.  “You look lovely, Connie.  I think it’s just right.  Excellent work, Jasper.  I think we can reward ourselves — and fortify ourselves for the drive home.”

The reward meant going into a café, because Priyanka said the mall food court was nutritionally horrible and appallingly noisy.  Jasper had difficulty sitting down at the table; the top was too low for her to get her legs under it and in the end she settled for sitting with the chair turned sideways and her legs parallel to the table’s edge.  Fortunately the chairs in here were pretty sturdy.  Feeling _too big_ was a novel and unsettling experience and one she kept having today, and she didn’t need it exacerbated by breaking furniture with her butt.

“There’s a pretty long line,” Connie said.  “Want me to take our orders up, Mom?”

“Thank you, dear.  I just want a cappuccino with cinnamon on top.  Medium-size, I don’t care what they call their sizes here.  Jasper?”

“Is it only coffee?  Sorry, but coffee is pretty disgusting.”

“Well, I’m going to have hot chocolate; you like that too, right?” Connie asked.

“Oh!  Yeah, thank you.”

Priyanka gave Connie some money and she went off; that left her sitting with Jasper alone.  Jasper tried not to fidget.  She’d heard Priyanka was pretty stern, even if she seemed to be in a good mood.  

“She’s a good girl,” Priyanka said, sitting back in her chair, “if not quite the docile daughter I _thought_ I had.”

“I’d be proud of her if she was mine,” Jasper said.  “I mean, part of my family.  Not my daughter, probably my little sister.”

“Would you ever want to have children?” Priyanka asked, sounding a little surprised.

“I don’t think I could?  Rose Quartz wanted to and she found a way but it was kind of a Pyrrhic victory.”  She’d just learned the word Pyrrhic from Pearl the other day and was pleased to have an opportunity to use it in conversation so soon.  “I want to stay alive so that way’s not for me.  Besides, children seem nice but just like I don’t get too hot or too cold from the weather, I don’t have those… biological imperatives, are they called?  Where your body wants you to make more humans so it tries to make it worth your while?  I guess there are tech Gems with an imperative to make more Gems, but that’s not what I’m made for.  I was made to fight.  I can’t change that or get around it but I can decide I’m only going to fight for reasons I’ve decided are right, not just because it’s my intended purpose.  Protecting children so they can grow up and do their own things seems like a good reason.  And if Steven and Connie are anything to go by, I like playing with them and teaching them things too.”

“From a human point of view we often link being nurturing to being parental, but it isn’t necessarily so,” Priyanka said, nodding.  “I’ve been interested to observe how caring and nurturing your behaviour towards Connie is, because it’s so very far from the way Amethyst first described you to me.”

“Oh.”  Jasper felt her face heat up, although at the same time her belly grew cold.  “I was a really terrible person then.”

“You certainly seem to have had a transforming experience, to go from someone who talked about people weaker than herself as worthless and deserving death to someone who talks about wanting to protect and teach children.”

“I was wrong, I know I was wrong, I’m sorry.”

“I think you’re misunderstanding.  First, I’m really trying to say that I think you’ve made very _good_ changes in your life, that you should be proud of accomplishing that rather than just feeling ashamed of how you were before.  Second, Amethyst wasn’t telling me about a terrible person, she was telling me about someone she cared about who had been through very traumatic experiences and was trying to cope with them in ways that, although they’re not healthy, are extremely common.  Believe me, you’re not the only person who’s tried to justify injustice.”  Priyanka reached across the table and made an awkward attempt to pat Jasper’s arm.

“It was still wrong,” Jasper mumbled.  She wished she were anywhere but here.  She hadn’t exactly been feeling comfortable before Priyanka started this but at least she’d been in a good mood.  She’d known Amethyst had talked to Priyanka and had been touched that she’d gone looking for advice about how to help her, but suddenly it felt like she was having her face rubbed in all the rotten things she’d said and done and it was humiliating that Priyanka knew about them.

“I’m sorry, Jasper, I don’t want to make you feel guilty or ashamed.  I’m trying to say that I think you’ve made a wonderful recovery.   _Amethyst_ is very proud of you.  I really didn’t know whether you _could_ come back from the state you’d got into, I was trying to prepare her for the possibility that however much she loved you and however hard she tried you might not respond, but you _did._ Really terrible people don’t do that.   _Really_ terrible people go on justifying and repeating their bad behaviour even after they’re given the opportunity and encouragement to change.”

Jasper folded her arms around herself.  She couldn’t answer Priyanka for a moment; she was repeating in her head, _I have a feeling that she doesn’t know what she’s talking about and I’m still a terrible person but that doesn’t have to be true.  That doesn’t have to be true.  Because look.  Connie trusts me and she wanted me to meet her mother.  Amethyst and Steven love me no matter what and I love them so, so much.  I’ve got a booklet in my pocket full of silly, cute little stickers because Pearl wants me to know when I’ve done something good.  I should remember what she said, even if I can’t believe in myself, I believe in the people who believe in_ me.  She took a deep breath.  “Well, thank you.”

“Clearly it’s still not easy for you to talk about.  I won’t ask you to any more.  I just didn’t want to leave that with you feeling criticised.”  She patted Jasper’s arm again with a little more assurance.

“Thanks.  Can we talk about something else, though?”

“Certainly.  Oh, here comes Connie with our drinks.”

 

The Snow Ball was planned for a Saturday night; this meant that Pearl considered the best plan of attack was to commandeer the gymnasium at the earliest possible opportunity on Friday afternoon, even if it meant almost getting into a fight with the girls’ basketball team who did not take kindly to being rushed to finish their practice.  With slight trepidation but a general conviction that she was saving everyone some trouble, Jasper picked Pearl up under the arms and carried her away from a toe-to-toe confrontation with the team captain before anyone could throw down a gauntlet.  “Excuse us,” she said over her shoulder.  “If it helps, she wanted to do this last week too for a trial run.”

“Put me down!” Pearl whispered fiercely as they reached the bleachers.

“I will if you can wait for them to finish without kicking anyone’s butt.  Do you think you can?”

“I did _not_ rent a truck to wait around while adolescents put balls in _peach_ baskets!”

“Greg rented the truck.  Are you okay?  You seem... tenser about this than I would expect.”

“I am usually tense when suspended above the floor, thank you very much.”  Pearl took a deep breath and exhaled loudly through her nose.  “All right.  I’m calming down.  I understand you’re trying to be helpful, but if you don’t let me down I will really be _upset.”_

“Okay.  Sorry.”  Jasper set Pearl down carefully.  “I’m not used to being the one who tries to stop someone else losing their temper.”

“I just want it to be _nice!_  I just want things to go _smoothly.”_

“It _will_ be nice and they _will_ go smoothly.  Come on, Pearl, you’ve planned everything perfectly, including allowing for delays.  I completely trust your plan.  You deserve Pearl Points for Planning.  In my opinion.  Which may not be worth much.”

“It's a perfectly serviceable opinion,” Pearl said.  She sighed but then smiled.  “We may as well just sit down and watch their game.”

They settled on the bleachers and after a moment Pearl gave another quiet little sigh, tucked her hand into the crook of Jasper's elbow and leant her head against her arm.  

She had just begun doing this in the past few days, and that was after a few extremely embarrassing days of Jasper attempting to offer her her arm without being too obvious about it.  There had been one more case of Pearl taking her arm of her own volition (laundry aisle, supermarket, next to dryer sheets) and then letting go as if she thought she was doing something wrong.  Jasper found herself too embarrassed to mention it directly but hoped she could get the message across without having to.  It was just a matter of being in the right place at the right time, letting Pearl see that there was in fact an arm present, unoccupied and available if she happened to feel like holding something of that nature.  She'd thought she was being quite subtle and discreet about it until Steven asked her sympathetically if her arm was sore, because she was holding it so stiffly, and Amethyst asked her slightly less sympathetically if she was a little teapot.  

But bewildering references to teapots and well-intended offers of elastic bandages aside, it had _worked._ Just as she was beginning to think she was making a fool of herself for nothing, Pearl had taken hold of her arm while they were standing in the living room listening to Garnet tersely explain where she had found a broken wailing stone.  There was no reason Jasper could see why that would make Pearl want something to lean on, and she hadn't even had her elbow out particularly, but she suddenly felt a cool little touch — Pearl’s hands were always cool — that made an electrical tingle run up her arm and earth itself in her armpit.  And there it was, Pearl’s hand on her arm, trusting her, relying on her, and that little thing had made her so happy she could have laughed out loud if it hadn't also made her fiercely self-conscious.  

Then it had just gone on happening, from time to time.  Once or twice she'd looked down when she felt it and caught Pearl glancing up at her, and the first time Pearl had given her a little smile, and the second time Jasper had given her a huge, helpless idiot grin and then had to look away, face flaming, before she felt Pearl’s head come to rest against her upper arm.  It made her feel like she was going to inflate with happiness and float away.  She wasn’t sure why it puffed her up that way; it was different from the happiness she felt about being close to Amethyst and Steven.  It might be because Pearl was the first truly close friend she’d had who wasn’t family, who couldn’t be expected to have any affinity for her or feel that involuntary part-of-me bond that Amethyst had talked about, who had just decided that she liked her and wanted to be around her even when she didn’t have to any more.  Sometimes it occurred to her how bizarre it was to feel so touched and honoured by the friendship of someone that until just a couple of months ago she would have considered her natural inferior by multiple levels, but what really seemed bizarre about that now was how dramatically wrong Homeworld had managed to get things for so long.

She sat and watched the team practise, vacantly happy, vaguely hearing the thump of the ball and the squeak of their shoes on the floor.  Pearl made a few comments about their teamwork; she'd revised her opinion of the captain who seemed to be quite a capable leader.  At one point the ball flew wide and would have hit Jasper in the face if she hadn't caught it one-handed by reflex.  A ponytailed girl came scurrying over to retrieve the ball and stared at Jasper holding it with one hand.   Her own hands as she reached out for it might have been half the size, and Jasper could see her brows crinkling as she went through what Connie had mentioned, being forced to notice something really different from expectations, like just how large and _orange_ the person sitting in front of her really was.   She seemed to shake it off once the ball was back in her hands and the contrast was no longer so pronounced.  Her face cleared and she smiled politely and chirruped “Thanks ma’am!” before running back on the court.  

“Listen to that,” Pearl said, sounding amused, “you’re a _ma’am._ I would have placed you at miss, myself.  But then she's clearly very young.”

Finally the basketball team cleared out and they were able to begin their night’s work.  

 

“Hurry up, hurry uppppp, everybody needs to hurry up, I’ve been ready for _years,”_ Amethyst chanted, sitting on the breakfast bar and kicking her legs.  Her feet didn't entirely look like her own in the fancy shoes Jasper had chosen for her; she was torn between wanting to dance around in them and just wanting to stick her feet up in the air and look at them, like they were little sculptures on the ends of her legs.  

“Well, _we’re_ ready,” said Ruby.  She and Sapphire were sitting on the couch holding hands; Sapphire always looked like she was dressed for a ball and Ruby’s concession to the formality of the occasion had been to shapeshift a tuxedo teeshirt.  

“It won't be much longer,” Sapphire said calmly.  

“That's easy for _you_ to say.”

Sapphire shrugged.  “Yes.”

“There's no need to rush,” Pearl said.  She was on one knee helping Steven with his bow tie, or perhaps hindering him since she'd untied and retied it four times in a quest for the perfect butterfly effect.  Her own tie was as flawlessly lepidopteran as she could have wished; Amethyst was thinking about telling her that, not just a compliment but a compliment wrapped up in a  fancy five-dollar word like Pearl liked.  Maybe if they got moving soon.  She had more than enough butterflies of her own in her belly and they didn't make her feel like being very complimentary to anyone.  At least Pearl looked really sharp; that would be a big help.  She wasn’t sure what the chances _were_ that the people at the ball would include even one tall woman somewhere on the continuum between buff and buxom who dug nervous skinny chicks dressed like Fred Astaire but if she was there, they were ready for her.

“My shoes feel weird,” Steven complained.  “I think shoes in general feel weird.”

“If Jasper isn't out in five minutes I’ll go in and drag her out no matter what shape her hair is,” Amethyst said.  

“Is she having trouble with her hair?” Pearl asked.

“No, she just got nineteen new ideas for how she wanted to wear it at the last minute so, being Jasper, she had to try them all and bug me for my opinion.”

“She’ll go back to the original plan.  Only last-minute nerves,” Sapphire said.

“She doesn’t need to be nervous,” Pearl said, finally stepping back from the perfected bow, “I’m sure she’ll —”

The Temple door opened and Jasper stepped out  —  but even if she was nervous, she was still freakin’ Jasper so she stood poised right where the doorway would frame her for maximum effect.  

“Jasper!” Pearl squeaked.  “You look _absolutely lovely.”_

It was no exaggeration, and Amethyst’s feelings about it were a bit mixed.  She hadn’t wanted to be conspicuous wearing something she’d never normally wear, but it wasn’t so good if the reason she wasn’t conspicuous was that she was totally overshadowed by her bombshell big sister.  Jasper looked like she was going to some big red-carpet thing in Kansas; her hair was all piled up to one side and trailing over one shoulder, and she’d done something with gold shimmery shadow that made her eyes burn, and even if her dress was a little tiny bit Barbie-doll with the bow on her hip above the slash that showed like two metres of powerful orange leg, she was pulling it off.  It was a relief to see she’d gone with the sleek halter neck instead of the droopy ribbony shoulders thing she’d been talking about.  Maybe she’d figured that was just too much when her shoes had ribbons round the ankles.

And she was staring at Pearl like she was seeing her first rainbow.   _Okay, I owe Steven a soda or something for being right.  Either he_ was _right or Jasper just now fell head over ass in love because Pearl looks so fine.  What do we do_ now?   _Shove them at each other all night?  Or will they self-shove?_

“No, you!” Jasper said, then realised that lacked a certain finesse and tried again.  “You look amazing!  I — I mean — black and white _really_ suit you, Amethyst _said_ you look great in a suit but I had to see it to — wow!”  She gave up on talking and just beamed, that huge startlingly innocent smile that could make you forget about her usual grumpy mask.

“Oh, _well,”_ said Pearl in her special modest-not-modest-at-all-praise-me-more voice, and she twirled around.  “You haven’t even seen it with the _hat.”_  Steven handed it to her and she held it aloft, rolled it down her arm and bounced it off her elbow onto her head, where it landed at a perfect jaunty angle, how did she even _do_ that.  There was a burst of applause; Jasper was obviously impressed, Steven was ready to be anyone’s cheerleader and apparently Ruby thought that was a cool move too.  Pearl blushed and laughed and swept them all a low bow.  “If everyone’s ready, shall we go?”

It wasn’t exactly a limousine or a pumpkin coach but the furniture truck Greg had hired for Pearl and Jasper to move their tons of decorations in was their transport for the evening.  Steven, Ruby and Sapphire fit up front with Pearl in the cab (as long as Sapphire sat on Ruby’s lap), but Jasper was relegated by her size to the back, so Amethyst went with her for Quartz solidarity.  Steven’s Quartz solidarity was negated by the fact that Pearl insisted on him wearing a seatbelt.  They sat on a blanket to keep from getting grimy and braced each other as the engine growled into life and laughed at the remarkable lack of glamour.

“You look like a movie star,” Amethyst said, “so a little grunge now will just stop you getting a big head about it.”

“Thank you.  I have to say I did a great job dressing you, you look fantastic.  I can’t wait to see people seeing you.”  Jasper grinned at her, looking distinctly weird with her nose glowing a little to light the darkness in the back of the truck.

“Aww, pff,” said Amethyst.

“You do.  Say you look good or I’ll roll on you.”

“You’d ruin your dress.”

“It’s shapeshifted, I can unruin it.  You gonna fight me on this, hot dog?”  She held up her hands in claws and mock-snarled.

“Okay okay, I look good,” Amethyst admitted.  “I really do look pretty good.  The make-up stuff’s not too much.”

“Damn right it’s not too much.  You got the lip gloss just right.  You really need to make the most of your mouth, it’s one of your best features.”

“It’s one of my _biggest_ features.” The truck went over a bump and she grabbed Jasper's arm to avoid falling over.  She couldn't stop wondering what Peridot was going to think, whether she would like it, whether she was just asking to get her feelings hurt by caring whether Peridot would like it, how Lapis was going to look, how they were all going to act, how weird it was going to be.   

_If she likes me she should like me no matter what I wear.  But being all dressed up does help.  Look how Jasper and Pearl were mooning over each other.  Not like either of them really even needs the help.  Jeez, I need to stop stewing and focus on something that doesn't suck.  We're gonna dance, I love dancing, Greg’s gonna play which is always fun, if everything goes off right Steven's gonna be super happy._

They may have looked a _little_ conspicuous clambering out of the back of a truck in the school parking lot, though no more so than because a light snow was falling and both Jasper and Amethyst had bare arms and shoulders.  They got a few curious looks for that from other ballgoers hurrying up to the doors in coats and wraps.  

Inside the hall adjoining the gym, people were milling around checking coats and greeting each other and generally getting in everyone's way and their own.   Steven raced over to the coat check tables to say hi to the grannies running them before darting back to their group and craning his neck, such as it was, to look around.  

“Anyone see Connie yet?” he asked eagerly.  

“Not so far,” Pearl said.  She had drifted up beside Jasper and taken her arm as if she were an anchor in the sea of humanity.  “But Jasper has the best view.”

“No, I do,” said Ruby, “cuz I’m looking at Sapphy,” who giggled.  

“You two gonna be like this all night?” Amethyst asked, amused.  

“Yes,” they said in unison.  

“Someone just pulled up outside on a _tractor,”_ a boy coming in at the doors reported loudly.  

“And there's Peridot!” said Steven happily.

“You just said Peridot,” said Jasper, frowning.  “Isn't she bringing Lapis?”

“She bought a ticket for Lapis but last time I talked to them she was still really up in the air about going.”

“Ha!” said Jasper, pointing at him.  

“What?”

“Lapis is _up in the air,_ it's — never mind.”  She reddened.  

“Ohhh!” Steven said, light dawning, and had a good laugh at his own unintentional joke.  Amethyst was frankly surprised to hear Jasper treat something to do with Lapis as a joke — and just a mellow silly joke, nothing bitter or sad.  That was good, wasn't it?  Or was she trying too hard to be okay?

Then Steven spotted Connie, emerging from the restroom door with her mother behind her, and raced over to her.  “Connie!  You look beautiful!”

“Welp,” said Ruby, “we’re no longer the cutest couple at this thing.”

“We had a good run,” Sapphire said.  Steven was presenting Connie with the wrist corsage he’d got her, a cluster of deep pink rosebuds like the ones in his lapel.  She was clearly delighted; Priyanka stood with her arms folded at her waist, holding her elbows and watching them with an unreadable expression that resolved into a smile.  Amethyst waved at her and she came over.

“Well, good evening to you all,” she said.  

“Didn’t know you were coming too!” Amethyst said.  “You look foxy.”  As soon as it was out of her mouth she thought that probably wasn’t how you were supposed to compliment someone’s mom, but Priyanka _did_ look good in her gunmetal grey pencil dress so she stood by it.

“Oh?  Good.  Doug will be joining us after he’s finished his post-shift nap,” Priyanka said.  “We decided to make it a family night out.  While not hovering _too_ closely.”

“Hovering distance is a tricky thing to gauge,” Pearl said sympathetically, still hanging off Jasper’s arm, and now Amethyst was getting paranoid that they were actually already together and just hadn’t said so because they assumed everyone would know from how they acted together.  But wouldn’t Jasper _tell_ her something that earth-shattering?  Wouldn’t she tell _her?_

The doors were barged open and a shriek of “Amethyst!” rent the air.  She twisted round and saw Peridot charging at her.  

“Peapod!  What the hell are you _wearing?”_  Peridot ran into her arms with a mighty crinkling and a satisfying _whump._  Amethyst staggered back in her unfamiliar heels but Ruby caught her with two hot little hands against her back and pushed her upright again.  

“You mentioned once you thought they were cool!”  Peridot sprang back and held out her arms to display herself, decked out in a full duct-tape rendition of white (green) tie and tails.  “Since I can’t shapeshift apparel, I thought I’d make the most of my recently discovered aesthetic talents!  There was a very painful prototype version before we realised you don’t apply the tape directly to _yourself.”_

Amethyst couldn’t help laughing in just plain delight.  “You look awesome, totally awesome.  It’s so you!”

“And you’re _resplendent.”_ Peridot looked her up and down, eyes wide and shining.

“Jasper gets the credit, she picked it out.”

“But you’re the one who looks so beautiful in it!”

“Aw, shucks.”   _Did I really just say shucks?_ In her happy embarrassment, she didn’t know where to look.  She saw Lapis over Peridot’s shoulder, smiling slightly but hopefully.  “Hey Lapis.”

“Hi,” Lapis said, looking pleased to get that much from her.  “I made an effort too.  Not as impressive as Peridot’s, I know, but that took both of us days.”

“Uh…”  Amethyst didn’t want to be rude but Lapis looked exactly like her ordinary self in her halter top and skirt.  She hadn’t dressed up at all.

“Shoes,” said Lapis, and sure enough she was wearing completely plain black ballet flats.

“Oh yeah.  Cool, cool.”

“So,” said Peridot, glomming onto Amethyst’s arm tighter than Pearl was holding Jasper’s, “shall we?”

“Let’s get everyone together,” said Pearl.  “I want you all to see the full effect of what Jasper and I have done simultaneously.  We’re _very_ proud of it.  Steven, Connie, come on.  Now close your eyes — and no spoilers, Sapphire.  Hold the door, Jasper — come through, come through.”

With her free hand over her eyes and Peridot clutching her arm and snickering, Amethyst shuffled forward into the gymnasium, where there was a greater noise of chatter and one of Sour Cream’s electronic tunes playing in the background.

“All right,” said Pearl, “everyone —”

“Wait,” said Jasper, “let Steven and Connie up front.”  She sounded as excited as Pearl did.

“Of course!  Here, you two — that’s right.  Now, everyone — _look!”_

They all uncovered their eyes and blinked in the silver dazzle.

“It’s like _Frozen_ in here!” Steven gasped.

“Like Narnia!” Connie exclaimed.  “Oh, Pearl, it’s _beautiful!”_

The ceiling and the walls were completely disguised with cloudy white drapes that shimmered and glinted with silver and white and ice-green and ice-blue snowflakes trapped in their gossamer layers and folds.  What looked like real icicles hung from the rafters, glistening, and the stage at the far end was like a snow cave.  The single solitary thing that spoiled the Arctic illusion was, well, the basketball and volleyball court markings painted on the floor, but you couldn’t expect Jasper and Pearl to paint the whole floor white.  Actually, you could expect Pearl to have _tried_ it if it wouldn’t have meant the whole place stank of fresh paint all night.  There were tables around the edges of the gym with snow-white cloths and chairs all wearing weird little silver and white dresses like _they_ didn’t want to be underdressed and in the middle of each table was a candelabrum hung with icicles that caught the light of the candles like crystal drops.  And there was a slowly revolving mirror ball with a silver-white spot trained on it hanging from the ceiling, because even if it was a little tacky you couldn’t beat the magical effect of a thousand tiny chips of light gliding around the room.

“It’s not bad, is it,” said Jasper, grinning.

“What did you _do_ , learn _glass-blowing?”_ Amethyst asked.

“That’s for me to know and you to find out,” Pearl said with totally justified smugness.

“This is amazing plus your tie is _quintessentially_ lepidopteran.”

Pearl looked astonished and then deeply pleased.  “Thank you, Amethyst.  It’s always nice to feel the details are appreciated.”

“You are the best ball decorators _ever,”_ Steven said, his eyes shining.  “I’m so glad I defended your creative control to the committee!”

 

Jasper seemed to have lost Pearl.  They had been together at first, Pearl holding her arm and at one point actually hugging it with both her own, but then Pearl had gone off to dance with Steven and Connie as requested and while she was waiting and watching them across the floor she heard a voice she couldn't ignore say “Excuse me.”

Lapis was behind her.  Jasper turned to face her, deeply unwilling.  Why would Lapis even _want_ to talk to her?  Shouldn't she just want to forget about her?  

“Oh,” she said, startled.  “That's a beautiful dress.”

“When I looked round at everyone I realised I hadn't really risen to the occasion,” Lapis said, looking down at herself.  “So I changed.”  She'd conjured up a plain midnight blue sheath that was thickly beaded all over with silvery drops of water; they trembled as she moved but never fell.

Jasper nodded.  She didn’t know what to say or what Lapis could possibly want out of her.

“It’s quite loud here,” said Lapis.  “Could we go somewhere and talk?”

“We can talk here.”

“But…”

“I don’t want to go somewhere with you,” Jasper said bluntly.  “I want to be where my friends are.”

Lapis looked as if she had somethng sharp to say to that, but she took a breath and then said, “Okay, but shall we go over by the wall?  I need to ask you about something and I’d rather it wasn’t overheard.”

Jasper weighed it up.  The ice was all fake.  There was water in carafes on a lot of the tables so she’d have to be careful about that, but still, it wasn’t a large quantity.  That was all that seemed readily available.  Besides, there were people Lapis cared about here so she probably wouldn’t start anything violent.  She was a little disappointed in herself for still thinking this way when they’d declared peace and she did think Lapis had actually meant it, but that was no reason to take stupid chances.  “Okay,” she said, and followed Lapis over to the wall, where she leaned against the frosty white drapes Pearl had made and tried to look as if she didn’t care.  “What do you want to ask?”

“I really want to ask for your help with something.”  So far Lapis hadn’t looked at her directly; now she did, her big eyes stark in in the silvery reflected light.

“Sorry?”

“I want your help with something.”

Jasper blinked.  “That’s what I thought you said but I don’t get it.  I don’t see how I can help _you.”_

“It’s not for me.  It’s about Peridot and Amethyst.”

“What about them?”

“Okay.  I don’t know if you’ve seen them together very much, but I have, a lot, and the thing is Peridot’s in love with Amethyst.”

“I thought she might be, but she doesn’t do anything about it.”

“Trust me, I get to hear a lot about it too.  Peridot _believes_ that Amethyst doesn’t feel the same about her, so she just has to try and be a good friend and appreciate that they can have that, à la Danny and Chantal in CPH season four.  But I think Amethyst _does_ like Peridot back but there’s something stopping her saying so, that or she’s so incredibly dense that she doesn’t recognise a crush that’s visible from space.  I can’t talk to her about it now, but you’re close to her, you know her; can you tell if I’m right?”

“Why didn’t you talk to her when you could?” Jasper asked, stalling.

“I didn’t want to interfere.”

“So _now_ you want to interfere?”

“I don’t want to interfere at all, I just want to try to help my friend to be happy.  If she’s wrong about Amethyst maybe we could help clear up the misunderstanding, whatever it is.  That could be something good we could do for people we both care about.  You and I could do something good.”  Lapis was twisting her hands together nervously, but she kept looking up at Jasper.

“That’d be a first,” Jasper admitted.  She thought for a moment, piecing things together.  Was it really all right to tell Lapis this?  Maybe she could put it more sort of generally, like a cultural misunderstanding thing rather than Amethyst’s private business.  “You have to remember that Amethyst’s lived her whole life here, and I know it sounds weird but in some ways she’s more familiar with human culture than with anything to do with Gems.  The impression I get is that there _are_ humans that have romantic relationships with more than one partner at a time but it’s not the mainstream.  She might not understand that Peridot could want to be with both you and her.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Aren’t you two…”

“No.”

“Oh.”  Well, now she felt extra stupid, and she couldn’t even put her finger on why she had thought that.  Had she just picked up on what Amethyst assumed?

“No, we’re friends, it’s never really been romantic.  Honestly, at first I was _pretending_ to be friends because I didn’t want to let Steven down and I didn’t want to be… I didn’t want to treat one more person the way I’d treated you.  Then I started to actually like her.  We _are_ really friends but it was a fake-it-till-you-make-it kind of situation.”

“Oh,” Jasper said again.

“I know how that sounds,” Lapis said, grimacing.

“No, I’m not criticising how you make friends,” Jasper mumbled.  “I wasn’t really friends with Pearl at first, we just had to spend time together.”  Lapis looked as if she was going to say something else and Jasper started again to head her off.  “I can’t promise anything and I’m not going to try to do anything tricky.  That’d be a recipe for disaster with me and Amethyst.  But since you — okay, you’ve told me about this, I’ll keep an eye on it.  If I think Amethyst feels that way, I’ll encourage her to give it a shot.  Fair enough?”

“Okay,” Lapis said, nodding slowly.  “Thank you.”  She bobbed her head again.  “I’m going to, um, I’m going to go.  Get some air.  Thanks, Jasper.”  She turned and walked away, her dress shimmering, looking as if the drops of water were sliding around her body as the glints of light from the mirror ball slid across it.

Jasper shook herself slightly.  Things felt a bit unreal.  That was far from a conversation she’d ever expected to have and she wished Lapis hadn’t started it here and now.  Still, when and where else would she have had an opportunity?  They didn’t normally see each other, on purpose.  And at least it actually did sound like Lapis was trying to make people happy.  She wasn’t sure she understood what Amethyst would see in Peridot, but there was no harm in doing as much as she’d said, keeping an eye on the situation.  She’d said she would, that was decided, it was no use to dwell on it now.

After that she’d looked around for Pearl or Amethyst or anyone, but the music Sour Cream was playing had got louder and bouncier, the dance floor had filled up and even with her advantage in height it was hard to pick anyone out among all the humans hopping around.  Once she saw Garnet’s head briefly pop up, twirl round and then drop down again, as serenely as if that were a perfectly normal thing to do in a crowd.  It actually made her laugh.  Then Jenny Pizza had bounded out of the crowd in a bold striped dress and jangly earrings and grabbed her arm and introduced her to her sister Kiki (polka dot dress but no earrings), and they wanted her to dance with them.  At first she hesitated, not sure what they would expect, but it was just like dancing around their room with Amethyst, and she could do _that._  She was really enjoying herself, and trying to teach them a step Amethyst had showed her, when she felt a pull on her skirt and turned round to find Steven, looking worried.

“Jasper, can you come help me with something?”

“Course I can.  Sorry, Jenny, I’ll see you later.  Bye, Kiki.”  She followed Steven away from the dance floor and bobbed down to hear him better; it seemed to be her night for getting taken aside and asked for help.  “What’s up, rosebud?”  This was supposed to be _his_ party; she didn’t want him worried about anything.

“I didn’t think we would need a bouncer but I might need to ask you to bounce,” he said.

“... Like a ball?”

“No, a bouncer is like a guard but for a dance or a nightclub.  They throw people out if they keep being jerks and spoiling the fun.  I don’t _want_ to throw anyone out but if we ask them to stop and they won’t…”  He shrugged unhappily.  

“Who’s being a jerk?” Jasper asked, cracking her knuckles.  “Point me at ‘em.”

“He’s not being a jerk _yet_ but I know what he’s _like._  You see that boy over there with the brown hair?  He’s wearing a scarf.”

“Leaning up against the wall posing with his leg?”

“That’s him, that’s Kevin.  I told you about him once.”

“I don’t think I remember,” Jasper admitted.

“The creepy one who kept hitting on Stevonnie?”

 _“Oh._  Right, back then I thought you meant hitting with his _fists.”_

“No,” Steven said, “he doesn’t do anything like that, but as well as creeping he likes making fun of people and embarrassing them and he thinks it’s _funny._  I didn’t think he’d be here because he thinks he’s so cool.”  It was weird to hear a note of sarcasm in his chirpy little voice.  

“Okay, so he hasn’t done anything _yet,_ but if he does you want me to throw him out?”

“I think that’s best.  Don’t throw him really _hard._  Actually just pushing him out would be plenty.  Don’t _hurt_ him, that would be too far,” he said earnestly.

“No, I’ve got it.  He’s full of bones and guts and I’ll be firm but careful.  Don’t worry about it.”

“Thank you so much, Jasper.”  He hugged her round the neck.  “Are you having a good time?”

“It took me a while to get into it but I am now.”

“Dad’s going to play soon!  Make sure you dance.”

“Of course.  Hey, where’s Connie?”

“She went to the bathroom.  I don’t think she saw Kevin yet.  I’m not going to try to stop her knowing he’s _here_ but I just thought I’d — you know, I’d just take a precaution.”

“You’d better get back to having fun, then.”  She sent him off with a pat on the back and stood up, folding her arms and drumming her fingers against her biceps.  The boy Kevin was just standing there watching people and occasionally swigging from a cup of something.  He also seemed to enjoy smirking to himself.  He had a pretty, punchable sort of face.  When in doubt as to how to engage, Jasper favoured the direct approach.  She crossed the floor and stood over him.

He’d seen her approach, obviously, and he looked up at her with half-lidded eyes.  That was irritating.  She definitely rated wide eyes, especially in dim lighting.

“Wow.  What are _you_ the goddess of, baby?”

“Bouncers.”  She tightened her crossed arms meaningfully.  “Your presence has been noted.  If you’re just here to have a good time, fine.  If your good time messes up anyone else’s good time, I bounce you out of here.”

“Hey,” said another voice behind her.  “If you have something to say to my brother you can say it to me.”

“Half,” said Kevin, rolling his eyes as someone shouldered their way past Jasper to stand beside him and glare up at her.  It was Pearl’s Mystery Girl, of all people.

“Oh.  Sheena?”

Sheena blinked.  “Jasper?”

“You didn’t recognise me?  I’m sort of distinctive.  Even not dressed the same.”  Sheena looked pretty different from last time, too; she had purple streaks in her pink hair now and she was wearing a silver-sequined dress that gave her quite devastating cleavage.

“Sorry, I just sort of registered large person looming over little brother and powered over.”

 _“Half,”_ said Kevin again.

“Fine, half-brother, I’m still not going to let people bully you.”

“No one’s bullying me.  She’s just kinda bad at flirting — but ten out of ten for trying.”

“I was _not_ flirting,” Jasper said.  “I was politely _warning_ him not to start trouble.”

Sheena sighed.  “Once again your reputation precedes you, Kev.  Look, Jasper, I’ll vouch for him.  He’s going to behave perfectly,” she said with a pointed look at him.

“Ugh, whatever.  I don’t want her if she’s one of _your_ weird friends anyway.”  Kevin pushed himself off the wall and slouched away.

“Doesn’t _want_ me!?” Jasper sputtered.  “I’m not even —”

“I know, I know,” Sheena said calmly.  “Sorry about him.  We’re _hoping_ it’s a phase.  If this is just his personality we may have to bury him at a crossroads.  So!  Nice to see you again.”

“It’s good to see _you.”_  Now the surprise and the _immense_ irritation of Kevin had dissipated a bit, she realised this was practically the best thing that could have happened.  Assuming she ever worked out where Pearl was again, she could bring them together and the combination of the event and the tuxedo and, honestly, the cleavage would surely mean that if Pearl was interested but inhibited for some reason she’d get past that.  “I thought you said you didn’t live around here.”

“I still don’t, but my friend Cora’s in this theatre group thing with that guy,” Sheena said, pointing to the stage where Steven’s friend Jamie was announcing Greg’s performance, “and he puppy-dog-eyed her into buying tickets and then she was like oh pleeeease Sheena, it’ll be fun, we can get thrift-shop dresses and enjoy it ironically.”  She shrugged.  “I’m actually just straight-up enjoying it.  It’s funny because it has such a corny old-fashioned vibe, even with the music, but you’d expect old-fashioned to mean incredibly straight and white whereas this really feels like everyone’s welcome.”

“Well, it’s Steven’s thing and he _does_ welcome everyone.  Steven’s like _my_ little brother.  No offence, but I think he’s cuter than yours.”

“Sight unseen, I’m sure you’re right.”  Sheena grinned at her and then laughed, her nose crinkling.  

“Pearl is here!  I don’t know where exactly at the moment, but — no, wait, there she is — you see the tall black hat?”  Pearl was over by the stage giving fretful advice to Greg, by the looks of it, about how not to mess up her decorations while rocking out.  

“Oh yeah.  Wow, she looks really sharp.”

“Doesn’t she?  You should go talk to her.  Ask her to dance.”  Greg was striking up a song; Pearl was falling back into the crowd and they might lose sight of her again.

“Should I?  She still hasn’t called.  I don’t think she’s interested, and I don’t keep going where I’m not wanted.”  Sheena looked up at her appraisingly.  “I think I’d rather sit this one out and talk a little.  What do you do?”

“Do?”

“God, I know, it’s an awful question, I don’t know why I asked.  Who wants to talk about their job?”

“Oh, you mean a _job._  I don’t have one right now.  I’m…”  She tried to think what the right expression would be in a human context.  “Ex-military.  Recently ex.  I’m taking an extended vacation and figuring out what I want to do.  What about you?”

“Working the kind of job you do when you can’t figure out what you want to do but you have to do something.  I do the office work for a small beef cattle semen distributor, and believe me, whatever joke you’re thinking of I have _heard_ it.”

“I don’t think that’s any joking matter,” Jasper said, hoping it wouldn’t come up that she had no idea what Sheena was talking about.

Sheena laughed.  “You’re all right, Jasper.  I mean, I know I’m lucky.  It’s not _retail._  My boss is a nice old guy who actually appreciates my work and doesn’t think punk hair and piercings mean you’re an unemployable dumbass.  It’s still not how I wanna spend my life, answering phones and emails and filing stuff.”

“What _do_ you want to do?”  It sounded as if Sheena’s job was sort of being a Pearl.

“That’s the problem, I seriously don’t know.  People say to do what you love but none of the things I love to do are a job unless you’re really good at them and can run your own business.  Blah.  I guess I could go to cosmetology school, do weird crap to _other_ people’s hair.”

“Your hair looks great.  How do you get the stripes in it?  Do you paint them on or something?”

“Well, sort of, I put the colour on with a brush, but it’s dye.”

“I like stripes.  As you might guess.”

“Are _yours_ painted on?”  Sheena reached over and ran one finger through a stripe on Jasper’s arm as if to test whether it would smudge.

“No, they’re just part of me.”

“I thought they might be tattoos.”  She looked more closely at Jasper’s arm.  “You really are… something else, aren’t you?”

“Yes, but don’t worry about it.”

“I’m not _worried._  I mean, when I met Pearl, honestly I just thought she was this manic pixie scene girl in strange make-up, but she was kind of fascinating.  And things just get more fascinating.  Are there a _lot_ of you?”

“Just a few.”  Then she felt guilty, because there _were_ a lot of them and she was leaving out all the corrupted and bubbled ones, but she couldn’t explain that without making things depressing and she would much rather Sheena stayed fascinated than got depressed.  “You can meet them.  My sister’s around here somewhere.  Not my actual sister like humans have sisters or brothers, but… it’s sort of complicated.”

“Aren’t most families?” Sheena asked.  “I mean, you saw mine.  Sorry, but who _is_ this guy?”  She gestured at the stage, which Greg was sliding across on his knees in an excess of rock.  “He’s kind of incredible.”

“Oh, that’s Greg.  He’s my little brother’s father.  But nothing to do with me.  Except I know him, obviously.”

“Ssso… do you and your brother have the same mother, or am I misunderstanding your deal?”

“The actual deal would take a long time to explain and… honestly, parts of it are upsetting to talk about.  I’m having a good time with you, so let’s not go there.”

“Totally understand,” said Sheena, nodding.  “And thanks.  The good time is mutual.  Do you want to dance?”

“Okay, let’s go.”

It was different from dancing with Jenny and Kiki because Sheena would grab her hand or hands to spin round her, but it was still nothing like the formal dancing she’d learned to hate, and knowing that fusion wasn’t even an issue here was somehow very freeing.  She’d never heard Greg’s music before but it was pretty decent, if lighter than what she usually liked.

“Okay,” Greg said, panting a bit into the microphone.  “This next number’s a special request for a dear old friend who not incidentally beat me at cards the other night.  The _only_ Misfits song I will play because frankly it fits my theme, here’s ‘Universal Appeal.’”

“Oh my god, my mom _lived_ for this band,” Sheena exclaimed.  “You have no idea how close I came to being named Roxy.  Spin me round!”

When the song ended Greg, noticeably more out of breath, announced, “Phew, that was a little more aggressive than I generally do, so I’m going to slow it down.  This is ‘What Can I Do For You?’”  All around them people started either leaving the floor or pairing up more closely.

“Okay,” said Sheena, “Do you like to lead or can I?”

“Go ahead.”  She felt less sure she was going to enjoy this, but it seemed rude to bolt if Sheena wanted to keep dancing.  She needed to keep hold of her till they could work their way round to Pearl somehow, too.

“Great,” said Sheena, putting her free hand on Jasper’s hip as the song began.

“Oh,” Jasper said after a few bars, “you’re actually a really good dancer.  More formally, I mean.”

“This is my dark secret.  My grandma put me in ballroom dancing classes.  Did it for years and won ribbons.  It’s all muscle memory now.”

“So you had to learn?”

“More or less, but I enjoyed it too.”

“I had to learn too.  But I didn’t enjoy it at all.”

 _“That_ sucks.  Is this okay?”

“It’s surprisingly nice.”

“Grandma got her money’s worth, then,” Sheena said, smiling up at her.  “I’m trying to figure out if I could dip you.”

“Better not.  Crowded room, heavy casualties.  I bet I could dip _you.”_  But the song was ending, and people were applauding.

Sheena puffed out a breath and shook back her hair.  “It’s too hot in here, but if we go outside I’ll freeze.  But I don’t wanna put my coat on, because I’m too hot.  You see my dilemma.”

“There’s a storeroom behind the stage.  There’ll be no one in there so it should be cooler.”

“You’ve got local knowlege?  What, did you _go_ to this school?”

“No, I helped do the decorations.”

“Really?  They’re incredible.  I thought they must have ponied up for professionals.”

“No, just Pearl and me.  This is the kind of thing she _does,_ this is why she’s so amazing.  But come on, I’ll show you the storeroom.”  The door was camouflaged by the snowy drapes; they just slipped through.  Back here it was semi-dark and smelled of dust and wood and rubber; there was all kinds of presumably gymnastic equipment looming in the darkness.  The air was noticeably cooler, almost cold, and Sheena sighed in relief, lifting her hair off the back of her neck.

“I’m not sure why,” she said, glancing sideways at Jasper, “but I get an impression of _innocence_ from you, so I’m forced to consider the possibility you did _not_ in fact bring me back here to make out with me.”  She let her hair fall back over her bare shoulders.

Jasper’s face felt abruptly very hot, after being completely untroubled by the warmth in the gym.  “I — look, I’m not _innocent,_ and it’s not that you’re not — I mean, I was still hoping you might like Pearl.”  She’d been so focused on that, stupid one-track mind.

“Really?  I’m getting pretty mixed signals.  I’d like to get that cleared up so I don’t do anything dumb.  You’ve just spent a lot of time dancing with me for someone who was only trying to line me up for someone else.”

“I’ve never tried to do this before, so I might be getting it wrong.  But Pearl really deserves it.”

“Uh, you can’t just _give_ me to her like a reward.”

“No, sorry, I don’t mean that.  I mean I’ve been worried that Pearl talked herself out of doing anything about you.  She does that even about things she really _wants_ to do sometimes, like the pies on the internet.”

“Pies on the internet?” Sheena repeated.

“So I can’t present her with _you_ but I thought if I could present her with an _opportunity_ to talk to you again, and it wasn’t somewhere awkward like fruit and vegetables, she might change her mind and actually go for what she wants.  Or if she had that opportunity and still didn’t take it I guess I could conclude that she really wasn’t interested — which I think would be a mistake by the way — and keep looking.”

“Why’s it so important to you to find someone for Pearl, who I take it has eyes and ears of her own?” Sheena asked, folding her arms.

“Because she’s so wonderful.  She’s so tough and clever and creative and kind and funny and beautiful and I just want to make her happy.”

“You don’t sound like someone just talking up her friend, though.  You sound like you’re really into her, so why don’t you cut out the middleman, sorry, woman, and try to make her happy yourself?”

“I couldn’t,” Jasper said, startled.  “She wouldn’t want _that._  No one would.”

“Why not?”

Again, Jasper struggled to find a human way of saying it.  “Because I just recently got out of a — a very bad relationship, and I’m damaged goods.”

“Oh, Jasper.”  Sheena sounded dismayed.  “Please don’t say that about yourself.  I understand if you feel damaged but you’re not _goods,_ like some kind of product for people to _use._  You’re a person.  You’re a very sweet, _very_ attractive person and there’s every reason why _lots_ of people would be happy with you.  Okay?  If you’re not ready for anything else after a bad relationship I absolutely understand that too.  I’ll back off.  It’s cool.”

“I feel so stupid,” Jasper said, sitting down on a vaulting horse and hanging her head.  “I was so focused on what I was hoping to achieve I didn’t realise… pretty much anything that was actually going on.  I do that a lot.”

“Ah well,” said Sheena, boosting herself up to sit beside her, “I feel a little stupid too.  I wasted some excellent dance moves on you, you know.”

“I’m sorry.”

“I’m only joking,” Sheena said, nudging Jasper’s arm with her shoulder.  “I still had a really good time.  It was worth getting to know you either way.  You were definitely an unexpected bonus of tonight.”

“Well, thanks.  And ditto.”

“Do you have someone you can talk to about your break-up stuff?”

“Yes.  I tell my sister some things about it.”

“That’s good.  But you know it’s okay to get outside help, right?  Like a counsellor or a therapist?”

“The problem with that is I would have to make up a story to explain what was going on.  Because of us being ‘something else.’  What happened to us doesn’t happen to humans, so they probably couldn’t help me with it.”

Sheena didn’t speak for a minute.  Then she said, “Maybe I don’t really understand that much about you but I’d like to eventually.  And I _do_ want to know Pearl better.  I felt a little snubbed that she never called.  Honestly, it made me wonder if I’d done something that put her off when I was just trying to show her I was interested.  I’m usually pretty confident but she’s so different.  And you can’t just keep going after someone saying ‘why don’t you call me?’ because the fact that you keep _doing_ that will become why they don’t call you.”

“She was worried about looking desperate to you too.”

Sheena gave a startled laugh.  “I wasn’t going to put it exactly that way, but okay.”  She paused a moment more.  “But people don’t worry about looking desperate who _aren’t_ interested.  Okay, that perks me up.”

“Obviously I wasn’t there, but according to Amethyst and Steven, Pearl was falling all over herself, she was so _interested._ And now I know you a little better, I think she’ll like you for lots of reasons beyond you _supposedly_ looking a lot like Rose.”

“Who’s Rose?”

 _Oh, damn, why did I have to say that?_ “Pearl’s partner a long time ago,” she said, with extreme diplomacy.

“I look like her ex?  I don’t know if I like that.”

“Not ex as in someone she doesn’t like any more.  Rose... died.”

“I look like her _dead_ ex?  Yikes!  Abort!”

“But I don’t even think you do!  It’s just the pink hair and your general kind of figure!  Okay, for one thing, Rose had black eyes, yours are green.”  She ticked that off on her finger and went on.  “Two, Rose had really pale pink skin and you’re more of a brownish pink.  Three, her hair was longer than yours and curlier and she definitely didn’t put purple stripes in it or wear a lot of earrings or have a thing through her lip.  And she was about as tall as me!  Maybe the pink hair caught Pearl’s eye to start with but I know if she got to know _you_ she’d start noticing all the things about you that are _just_ you and that’ll be what she really likes.  It’s what _I_ like about you.”  She realised she was probably being overbearing, leaning too far into Sheena’s space, and sat back.

“This is what I mean about mixed signals,” Sheena said.  “Give me context for that ‘like.’  Hmm?”

“Um.”  She didn’t know how to explain it to herself; she’d just started to enjoy being around Sheena and the way she looked and felt and smelt and her voice and her laugh and all the things she didn’t know about her yet.  She was fine with _liking_ Sheena, it would be _good_ to like her if she became Pearl’s partner and was around a lot, but she hadn’t intended to like her _romantically;_ she had no _experience_ with liking anyone romantically, just of being liked or at least admired.  She hadn’t known what it would feel like and if this was it, it was _sneaky_.  

“It’s just _interesting_ how you’re clearly into Pearl, but you want her to like _me,_ but then there’s _this.”_ She leaned in; Jasper leaned back.

“Sorry.  I don’t want to make you uncomfortable.”   _And I don’t feel the same way about Pearl that I do about you so is_ this _the way I like someone romantically?  And why is it_ you, _a human I just met?_

“I’m not uncomfortable,” Sheena said, “just confused, and I think you may be a little too.  You need to stop and think about what you really want before you go any farther, that’s all.”

“It doesn’t matter what _I_ want.”

“Bzzt, wrong answer, what you want matters as much as anyone else.  If you try to do some self-sacrifice thing for Pearl where you never tell her how you feel you’re only going to end up sad and resentful and it’ll be weird and uncomfortable for everyone.  Trust me, I have seen nonsense like this go down.”  Sheena pushed herself off from the vaulting horse and took a few steps away, stretching her arms, before she turned back to face Jasper.  “I don’t expect you to figure it out right now.  Come on, that would be ridiculous.   _Clearly_ you’ve got a lot going on.  You’re figuring out what you want to do with your life now practically everything in it’s changed, right?  Well, I’m not going anywhere.  You can trust me on that,” she said wryly.  “When you’re not so all over the place any more, hit me up.  Damn, I put my bag in the coat check.  You don’t have a pen or anything, do you?”

“I actually do.  This bow on my hip’s got a pocket hidden inside.”  And the pocket contained her Pearl Points booklet, rolled up around the pen she kept clipped to it in case there was anything to be written in; she liked having it on her as a kind of lucky charm these days.  It was the reason for the pocket.  She fumbled with it, trying to get the pen out without _showing_ the booklet and needing to explain what it was.

“That is actual genius.  All I’ve got’s my coat check ticket and a chapstick in my bra.  And that chapstick’s going to be melty.”  She took the pen from Jasper’s hand and uncapped it.  “Okay, give me your arm.”  She held Jasper’s wrist and wrote a string of little numbers on the inside of her forearm.  “Now _you_ can call me.”

“But what about Pearl?”

“I don’t remember getting married to either of you, so unless her fingers are broken and she can’t dial, she’s just as free to call me as she ever was.  Now you.”  She offered the pen back and held out her arm.

“Oh.  Sorry, I don’t have a phone number.  I don’t have a _phone._  I can use my brother’s but I don’t know if it’s okay to give his number to other people.”

“No phone at all?  Even a landline?”

“What’s a landline?”

“Wow, okay.  Weird.”

“I have an email address, is that any use?  He helped me set one up so I could talk to my friend Jenny.”

“That’s perfect.”  Sheena squinted in the semi-dark as Jasper wrote on her arm.  “You’re… heavymetalporkchop at gemail dot com?”  She giggled.  “That’s awesome.  Why are you a pork chop?”

“Because I’m perfect.”  Jasper shrugged.  “Family joke.”

“Okay then, Miss Perfect, I’m gonna go, because Cora’s going to be wondering what the hell happened to me.  You take your time and work things out, and I hope I get to talk to you again soon.”  She hesitated a second as if she was trying to come up with the right parting line, but seemed to give up.  She patted Jasper’s arm and left the room, a brief blast of music growing louder as she opened the door and muffling again when she shut it.  It sounded like Greg had finished and the other band had started.

“Aargh,” Jasper said, to the uninhabited room at large.  “I have a feeling of massive, _massive_ embarrassment.”  She wanted to smash something, as if that would discharge the _energy_ of the embarrassment supercharging her,  but that would disrupt the ball.  She’d completely messed up her mission, complicated everything, looked like an idiot who didn’t understand how liking people worked to a very nice and remarkably chill human, but still a _human,_ and paradoxically a human she wanted to _impress_ because, well, she was very nice and yes, really hot.  She’d looked so good dancing, and Jasper had just sort of taken that in without understanding what it _meant_ because she was enjoying the moment and the physical feeling of it.

A thought occurred to her that made her go cold all over.  She was head and shoulders taller than everyone else here and Sheena wasn’t Quartz size but she wasn’t short.  They would have been conspicuous.  What if Pearl _saw_ them dancing together?  What if she thought Jasper was somehow trying to take Sheena away from her?  Wouldn’t she be hurt, angry, bewildered about why someone who’d acted like her friend would do something so underhanded and mean?  What if she’d not only failed to secure a partner for Pearl but wrecked her own relationship with her?  Whatever it was.  She had no idea whether Sheena was right about that or misunderstanding and it wasn’t even _relevant_ whether she was in love with Pearl because if she’d ruined the friendship all of that would be moot.  She had to find Pearl and do damage control right away.

 _Keep calm,_ she told herself. _Well, I’m not very calm to begin with, but don’t go making it worse.  Stop and think before you start.  Scan the whole room, look for her hat or the light reflecting off her forehead.  Then head over there.  Find out how bad it is before you start trying to make it better.  I know, I know, I can imagine she’ll be angry and upset but I have to remember, that doesn’t have to be true, I can’t read her mind and I don’t know what she’ll think.  Maybe she doesn’t care.  Maybe I’m being self-centred and totally overrating how much what I do matters.  Right.  Calm as I’m gonna get.  Move._

Back in the gymnasium — the heat and the music hit her in the face as she stepped out of the storeroom and slid past the curtain — she went halfway up the steps at the side of the stage and that and her own height gave her an overhead view right to the back of the room.  She tried to scan systematically, side to side.  She spotted Steven dancing with Connie — they looked happy, that was great — and Amethyst with Peridot — also happy, also great — and Lapis dancing with _Greg_ which made her think _what_ but was none of her business, but there was no sign of Pearl.  All right.  If she wasn’t in the gym itself the way to intercept her was to wait in the hall; if she had gone anywhere else she would have to come back that way.

_Unless she’s left altogether because she’s so upset._

_Don’t be any stupider than you have to be, you don’t know whether she’s upset at all.  Don’t assume you’re such a big deal.  This isn’t Homeworld and she isn’t some gullible fan.  Move._

She made her way around the side of the room, keeping an eye on the two sets of double doors so if they opened while she was on her way she’d know Pearl might have entered then.  One did open briefly but it was only a couple of boys hand in hand and laughing furtively.  Good for them; she was on a mission.

It was also cooler out in the hall and that was a relief; she didn’t want to face Pearl sweaty.  She took a few deep breaths while she looked around, and noticed a woman who’d just come out of the bathroom was staring at her somewhat fearfully.  Oh.  Her fists were clenched and she probably did look a little daunting.  She unfolded her hands and attempted a civil nod.  “Sorry, I’m looking for someone.  Have you seen a — a woman about your height but skinnier, wearing a black tuxedo?”

“No,” the woman said cautiously.

“I have,” said one of the coat check grannies, who had been doing a jigsaw puzzle on her table.  “She went through there,” with a point of her finger to a set of doors that went further into the main school building.

“Long ago?”

“Maybe half an hour?  A bit more?”

Jasper tried to think how long ago she’d met Sheena.  She had no idea.  It wasn’t helpful.  “Did she look okay or did she seem upset?”

“A bit annoyed, but I wouldn’t say upset.  Are you all right, hon?”

 _“I_ am, but I need to find _her.”_

“Well, she hasn’t come back this way but I don’t know what-all is in there.  Classrooms, I guess.  I’m surprised it isn’t locked up but someone might have forgotten.”

“Okay.  Thank you.  If I miss her and she comes back here, could you tell her Jasper’s looking for her?”

“Okay, hon, who’s he?”

“No, me, _my_ name’s Jasper.”

“Isn’t that different!  My granddaughter called her little girl Phoenix.  I like to call her Fifi but she said that sounds like a poodle!”

 _How do you escape from a conversation like this without telling someone to shut up or punching them?  She’s not a threat, she doesn’t deserve to be hurt, she’s just annoying._ “I’m sorry I have to go,” Jasper said quickly, and powerwalked for the inner door.  

Through here it was all shadowy too.  There were windows high in the walls, as there had been in the storeroom, but moonlight didn’t illuminate enough to show you much detail.  The snow must have stopped and the clouds cleared for there to be this much light, at least.  There was a long corridor with ranks of metal lockers against both walls.  She couldn’t help imagining that if you opened them there would be Gem soldiers waiting inside, like the storage compartments used for transport sometimes.  Not that she would fit in one of those narrow cabinets.  Actually, Pearl would, but she couldn’t think of any reason why she’d get into one of those.  It was all quiet.  Further along the corridor branched, and in the distance it turned around a corner, as if she were looking up the backstroke of a capital F.  Different places Pearl could be.  

She stopped, undecided, and was considering her approach when she saw a milky beam of light come bobbing around that far corner, sliding a puddle of light along the floor, and followed by Pearl, softly humming.  Jasper’s throat tightened.  This could be the moment her fears were confirmed.  

“Pearl,” she blurted out, and squinted as Pearl looked up and inadvertently shone her light right in her eyes.

“Oh!  Jasper.  Sorry!”  The light winked out, leaving Jasper dazzled and almost blind.  She could hear Pearl’s light footsteps tapping towards her.  Would she hurry towards her if she was upset with her?  Maybe if she wanted to sock her one.

“I couldn’t find you,” she said, blinking.  By the sound of it Pearl was right in front of her now.

“Yes,” Pearl said, and gave an uncomfortable little laugh.  “I have to confess, I’ve been hiding away.  It was just too noisy in there, too full of _people,_ and I needed a little break.  I went for a walk and I found the school library and did some tidying for them, it was peaceful and relaxing.  I hope _you’re_ having a good time.”

She sounded fine.  The relief was huge; Jasper felt her shoulders drop and only then realised how tight and high they’d been.  “I am, but I hadn’t seen you for so long, I was starting to wonder if you were okay and I went looking.”

“I’ve been absolutely fine, just a little bit reclusive,” Pearl said, slipping her cool little hand into the crook of Jasper’s elbow.  “Shall we go back?”

 _Okay.  She doesn’t seem to know.  But I shouldn’t hide this, I think that would be very bad._ “I need to tell you something first.”

“All right.”  The dazzle had cleared from her vision enough that she could see Pearl looking up at her, leaning her cheek against her upper arm.  It felt wonderful but it also didn’t feel like the sort of energy she felt around Sheena.  But if she _wanted_ this feeling more what did that mean?

“This isn’t necessarily anything bad, but if I don’t say anything now and it comes up later I think it would seem off.  I want you to know I wouldn’t try to hide anything from you.”

“I don’t think you would,” Pearl said, sounding mildly surprised.  “What’s brought this on?”

“Did you know Sheena’s here?”

“She — really?”

“Yes, we, um, we ran into each other and we talked a while and danced.  I liked her a lot.  She just kind of takes whatever in her stride.”

“Oh, really.”

“But you met her first, and I’ve kept wondering if you were still interested in her, and I want you to _know_ she’s here so if you want to go and talk to her or ask her for a dance you can.”

“I think I’ve wasted that opportunity by now,” Pearl said, looking down.

“She’s still interested in you.  She called you fascinating.”

“Jasper,” Pearl said slowly, “why is her phone code written on your arm?”  Her fingers ran along under the numbers and Jasper shivered.  

“She invited me to call her,” she said.

“Well, then I think it’s clear what she wants.”

“But I asked her, ‘What about Pearl?’ and she said you were as free to call her as ever.  You don’t even have to call her, you could go and _talk_ to her.  You look so great tonight!  She’d be thrilled.”

Pearl was still frowning faintly at the numbers on Jasper’s skin.  “What do _you_ want to do?” she asked.

“I… I want to encourage you so you can do what _you_ want.  I want to see you happy.  You’re wonderful and you deserve wonderful things.  If you’re not interested I’ll drop it, but if you’re even a _bit_ interested, why not go for it?”

“I don’t know what it would be like,” Pearl said.  “I hardly know this girl, we probably have _nothing_ in common, it’s just…”

“You have things in common.  You’re good dancers.  You get on well with me.  You’re — you’re bipeds, jeez, I’m not good at this.”

Pearl gave a soft little bubble of laughter and leaned her forehead against Jasper’s arm a moment.  “No, you’re very persuasive and also very kind.  Let’s go back and see if she’s around, shall we?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's a bit of a weird situation developing here. Evidently Sheena does not have a type restricted to nervous skinny chicks (whether or not they are dressed like Fred Astaire). I want to make it clear before anyone gets worried: none of this is going to be about anyone taking anyone away from anyone else. There are all sorts of obstacles to things going smoothly, like differences in age and life experience and _species_ , as well as Pearl wanting to move on and try new things but unconsciously tending to talk herself out of things she might like but isn't sure about yet, and Jasper being a big galoot who spent most of her life so emotionally closed off she never felt any genuine attraction to anyone and now that her heart has opened up a lot she doesn't recognise or understand what she's feeling. 
> 
> Sheena and Kevin being related is a bit of an odd coincidence but it occurred to me that they have a similar sort of aura of coolness, except that his can only temporarily mask being a complete prat while hers might initially intimidate and fluster you a little but doesn't conceal that she's a warm-hearted and open-minded person who might just be able to roll with whatever. Also apparently devastatingly cool people sometimes turn out to have less glamorous personal situations when they're not on a night out.
> 
> I've had mixed feelings about including Sheena in this story; I feel like she shouldn't be avoided or ignored but when she was introduced I felt _super_ unhappy about her and for a long time avoided even seeing fanart of her because I just got so disgruntled. Inventing a version of my own of her in this story is a way of getting comfortable with her - and, I suppose, of providing myself with an alternative I enjoy in case the show doesn't provide what I want, the same as I'm doing with Jasper's development.


	26. Chapter 26

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There isn't a lot here; I just didn't get much done this week, but Amethyst deserved some spotlight time, and hopefully posting something however short will help me to clear my blockage and move on.

“Amethyst?  Do you want to, um, would you like to dance?  With me?” Peridot asked, brightly but with a little tremor of nerves in her voice.

“Yeah, absolutely.”  Amethyst looked away from the glittering mirror ball to see her anxious, hopeful little face.

“I — I can’t promise you fusion, I actually don’t even know if I’m capable, if shapeshifting is a prerequisite, I just —”

“That’s okay, Per,” Amethyst said quickly.  “I wouldn’t be trying anyways.  A, we would freak these nice people the flip  _ out,  _ and two, my fusions are always pretty big and we might crack our head on the ceiling.  Just regular ol’ dancing is all we need.”

“Oh, thank goodness,” Peridot said, beaming.  “Lapis and I have been practising like mad, but she for pretty obvious reasons didn’t want to do anything fusiony either.  This will be such fun!”

Amethyst didn't know how to feel about that.  Her gut reaction was “kinda bad.”  Apart from anything else, she was sure Lapis wouldn't dance anything like the way she would so maybe Peridot had practised for the wrong thing.  And if she'd  _ enjoyed  _ dancing with Lapis she might be unimpressed now.  And even with the bit of hope Jasper had given her that Peridot could still have some kind of special feeling for her, that she hadn't automatically been replaced by Lapis, she  _ still  _ hadn't had the nerve to try to find out if that was true.  While she didn't know she couldn't be disappointed.  

She glanced up at Jasper hoping for a little encouragement.  She could probably have blown a trumpet in her ear without getting her attention; Pearl was hugging Jasper's arm and gabbing away to her with her face practically glowing with happiness and pride and Jasper was looking down at her — no, she was  _ gazing  _ down at her adoringly.  It was pretty cute but not at all helpful.  

“Come on!” Peridot cried, and pulled her out to the floor.  A few things quickly became apparent.  One was that Peridot had clearly earnestly tried to research Earth’s dancing in an effort to be ready for a human social event.  Another was that she'd done this based purely on what looked like fun to her in TubeTube videos, paying no attention to time period, and then mashed them all up together.  The result was kind of bizarre but the thing was, she'd been right about what would be fun.  It actually went with the jumbled assortment of music.  By the time Sour Cream’s set was over they were both more than ready to take a break, but flushed and happy and giggly as they dumped their butts down at a table no one seemed to be using.  

“Dude, are you okay?” Amethyst asked.  “You're  _ really _ sweaty.”  Peridot’s visor was even a bit foggy.  

“It's the exertion and the fact that this suit, while obviously dashing and stylish, doesn't exactly  _ breathe.   _ You’ve got far more surface area uncovered.  That was smart of you.  Or of Jasper, I suppose.”

“Here.”  Amethyst dunked a napkin in the water jug and gave it to her to wipe her face with.  Peridot pushed her visor up and slapped the wet cloth on with a groan of relief.  

“Thank you,” she said, muffled, before sliding it down her face and off.  

“I never saw you without your visor on before,” Amethyst pointed out.  “Is it like glasses or can you see okay without it?  Or on the other hand I know Garnet’s glasses are  _ purely _ for style.”

Peridot blinked.  “I can see  _ adequately  _ without it but my vision is enhanced with it.  Like a video with higher resolution.”  Her face looked a bit nude without it.  “It's one of the few Era One features they can still reliably produce.  Do you think I look better without it?”

“Nah, it's part of you.  Anyway, if you can see  _ better  _ with it you should keep it on, right?”

“I’m glad you think so,” Peridot said with a little smile as she put it back down.  “After all, it helps me see  _ you.  _  In glorious HD!”

“You should check out my shoes, they're  _ really  _ snazzy.”  Amethyst stuck one leg up on the table.  “Right?”

“Jasper's obsession with appearances has paid off in this case!”

“Aw, she's not obsessed, she just likes things to be pretty.  Well, maybe a little obsessed.  Took her forever to get ready tonight.”

“And she didn't even wear a cape, unless she'd already taken it off when I got here!  The whole ensemble is incredibly un-Jasperish.”

“Or it's  _ really  _ Jasperish ‘cause she's finally really being herself,” Amethyst said, shrugging.  “And herself is apparently incredibly glam and girlie.”

“Was that all the dancing?” Peridot asked, straightening her bow tie.  

“Oh no.  Just the first set.  Greg’s playing next so we can hit the floor again.  If you're not too pooped?”

“I am still  _ highly  _ energetic and poop does not enter the equation at all,” Peridot said proudly.  

She could actually make good on that boast, and Amethyst was having a pretty great time when she noticed something weird.  “Whoa, whoa, put me down,” she said to Peridot, who was attempting something bold and foolhardy in a lift.  “What the fuzz is Jasper doing?”

Peridot looked and shrugged. “Dancing with a human,” she said.  

“A, why isn't she dancing with Pearl?  They were all over each other last time I saw them.”  That had been a while ago, though; she'd been having so much fun she wasn't thinking about the time or anyone else at all.  “Two,  _ that's Mystery Girl.” _

“Really?  She doesn't look how I imagined from your description.”

“Trust me, she's changed her hair a little, that's all.”

“Um… you look like that worries you.  Why does it worry you?”

“Because I don't know what she's doing here and I don't get why they're together instead of  _ either _ of them being with Pearl.”

“Is Pearl with  _ them?   _ They're both quite large people, she could just be eclipsed.”

“No, if she was she'd be leaping and twirling all over the place showing off like crazy.  We’d see her.”

“I still honestly don't understand what you're worried about.  It's their business and they look like they're having a good time together.”

“I just…”  Amethyst couldn't express why she was so uneasy, other than a general feeling of responsibility for Jasper.   She  _ did _ look like she was having a good time, but she also looked like she was totally flirting with Sheena, tossing her hair and swinging her hips like that, and why  _ would  _ she?

“Unless you're concerned that it's like the season three Couleur War Armistice Dance where Paulette felt Percy had been ignoring her so she made a show of dancing with Chet to make him jealous!” Peridot said brightly.  “Am I getting it?  This would make Jasper the Chet,” she added helpfully.  

“Holy smokes, I hope you're wrong,” Amethyst said in dread.  

“Well, Mystery Girl  _ might _ feel that Pearl has been ignoring her,” Peridot said, shrugging.  “She sort of  _ has,  _ from what you've told me.  Perhaps she’s attempting a bold manoeuvre of simultaneous jealousy provocation and what Pierre once wittily termed grand theft girlfriend.”

“If she'd do that she's a  _ huge _ jerk and I have to kick her ass once for hurting Pearl and twice for using Jasper.”

“It's all so unnecessary.  They should just share like Gems do!  Although does your code or whatever allow kicking human asses?  I thought you were supposed to protect them.”

“I don't care how human her ass is!  If she's messing with people I love it's mine!”

Peridot blinked.  “Making  _ your  _ ass human?  I don't think you should change it.”

“No, wait — aargh.  I'm being stupid.  I don't  _ know _ what she's doing.  I just know it  _ looks _ bad.”

“Yes, I mean, alternatively Pearl might have  _ encouraged  _ the two of them to dance because she'd like both her partners to be friends.  I think people do things like that.  I don't  _ know  _ firsthand but it would be a rational approach.  Whether it would be  _ Pearl’s  _ approach when she's so  _ emotionally volatile  _ is another matter.  But I can't hear anyone crying while singing about it so…”  Peridot sighed.  “Does whatever they're mixed up in have to get in the way of  _ our _ special time together?  I rehearsed extensively and went through more rolls of tape than I care to think about for tonight.”  She patted Amethyst’s arm hopefully.  “Haven't we been having fun?”

“Of course we have, I —” Amethyst broke off, feeling bewildered.  There was too much going on and her mind was just catching up to what her ears were hearing.  Peridot talking about sharing.  Calling it a rational approach, which was high praise from her.  So that was confirming what Jasper said about how normal it was to Gems.  All of a sudden she felt equal parts super hopeful and super freaked out and her body helpfully responded by getting hiccups.  Huge loud squeaky ones that sounded almost as if she was just yelling “hiccup!”

“Are you okay?” Peridot asked.  

“Hiccup!”  Amethyst clutched at her chest. 

“That's not really an answer.”

“This never — hiccup! — happened before!  Damn it, I always wanted to get hiccups and now it — hiccup! — frickin sucks!”

“Oh!  Hiccups, I  _ know  _ this, there's an entire comedic subplot about efforts to cure Danny’s hiccups in season two episode sixteen.  His sounded different from yours. We need to induce sudden fear.  Look out!  Yellow Diamond!”

“Hiccup! — it doesn't work if you — hiccup! —  _ announce _ it like that.”

“Hold your breath.”

“But I'm only a — hiccup! — recreational breather.”

Peridot suddenly kicked her hard in the shin.  She was wearing shoes for once in her life and it  _ hurt. _

“Ow!   _ Dude,  _ what the f —”  She paused, startled.  “Wait.  I think they stopped.”

“Genuine surprise can actually do it!  My secret stratagem was to lull you with apparently well-intended yet inept attempts at treatment and then strike like a snake!” Peridot said gleefully. 

“Peri-bot, you're awesome.”  Amethyst hugged her tight, although the duct tape tux felt pretty bad on bare arms.  “Also better at kicking than I’d’ve guessed.”

“You're welcome for both,” Peridot said squeezing back.  “What if we went somewhere else so you don't have to see them and worry?”

“Yeah, that’s prob’ly a good idea.  Where, though?”

“I can show you how I’ve modified the tractor!”

Peridot practically hauled her out to the parking lot, technobabbling over her shoulder.  She was so damn  _ cute _ when she lit up like that, even if Amethyst didn’t have a prayer of understanding what she was talking about.  She just held on tight to Peridot’s hand and jogged to keep up as they jostled between the dancers.  Outside the snow had stopped and the clouds were gradually clearing away, shredded by the breeze, so that frosty stars peeped through.  Peridot dragged her through the slush to her tractor, which now had racing stripes, ridiculous chrome tailpipes that probably didn’t do anything and a bench seat wide enough for two which made it look unbalanced.  

“Hop up!” Peridot cried, scrambling up ahead of her and dusting snow off the seat before reaching back to grab her hand again and pull her up to sit beside her.  “Pretty  _ cool,  _ right?  I found a really good junkyard, excellent pickings — Lapis distracts the dogs while I go over the fence.”

“You make a good team,” Amethyst said.

“Better still with you to help,” Peridot said earnestly.  “Or if you didn’t want to go all together, your shapeshifting would be an  _ amazing _ dog distractor.  But then, it would be a shame if you were stuck distracting the dogs when you could be with me picking over the junk.  Your instincts for junk surpass even my own.”

She was going on and on, with her sweet little nerd face shining in the starlight, and Amethyst was thinking  _ Come on, come on, say something, what are you, a coward?  You might actually have a shot. _  Her mouth was dry and her chest still felt unsettled from all the hiccuping and she felt underdressed and overdressed at the same time.

“Um, Peridot?”

“Yes?”

“Can you stop a sec?  I need to say something.”

“Absolutely.  Fire away.  Lay it on me.  I’ll be quiet.”  

“Uh.  Well.  You know how we didn’t really get off to a good start when we met, I mean, none of us did.  But then I got to find out how funny you were, and you… you were awkward as hell sometimes but so was I but you still wanted to try and so did I.  You, um, you know, I could see you were special.  And you treated me like I was special.”  She twisted her hands together in her lap, wondering why she of all people couldn’t seem to get to the point.  She was dancing around it like she was Pearl.

“Because you are,” said Peridot, as if it were obvious and a little weird that she should point it out.

“But then, uh, then you wanted to stay up at the barn, and then Lapis moved in, and I…”  She could feel her cheeks burning.  She was skipping things, the embarrassing but important part.  “You treated me like something special and I knew you were something special and I was thinking maybe you would be someone special  _ for me. _  But she seemed so much  _ more _ special and you  _ wanted _ to be with her and you were together all the time and  _ arting _ and things and I… I thought I’d just got it wrong.  Or if you had been interested you weren't any more.”

“What,” Peridot said blankly.

“So I tried to just be glad you were my friend and, you know, what did I expect?  Ha.”   _ Holy smokes what’s going on with my eyes stop stop stop I am not supposed to cry about this. _  “But I wonder if I was wrong about being wrong.  I’m sorry for being so weird about it but if I never ask you it’s always going to bug me, do you think maybmmph.”

She was cut off by Peridot diving in to kiss her.  It was a terrible kiss at first, their noses bumped and their teeth clacked but then they got the angle right and it became something special.  She threw her arms around Peridot and held her tight until she pulled back.

“Are you  _ dense?” _ Peridot exclaimed.  “I thought  _ you  _ weren’t interested!  I tried to — oh my  _ stars, _ you acted like — I don’t know, you were all upset about Jasper  _ trouncing _ you and nothing I did turned out the way I expected, I just wanted you to feel better and be happy when you were with me, but whenever I did anything romantic you never responded at all and I thought I should stop or I’d upset you!”

“Wh — what’d you do that was romantic?”

_ “Duh!   _ We had that wonderful date at the arcade, I  _ won _ you things, that’s romantic!”

“You won things for everyone.”

“But you  _ first! _  And-and-and when you came over that night, the — the atmosphere!  The stars and the fireflies and when everything was perfect I signalled Lapis to leave us alone!  But you only wanted to talk about Jasper and bubbles and when I tried to hold your hand you didn’t like it and I knew I had to stop.”

“I — I thought you were just feeling  _ sorry _ for me.”

“No, you clod, I love everything about you except the revelation you were completely oblivious to how I felt!”  Peridot was standing up on the seat waving her arms, looming over her as much as anyone as little as Peridot could loom.

Amethyst snorted.  It was a small “snerk” sound that turned into a sudden blurt of laughter.  At least the tears had stopped.  “Sorry I’m so dumb.”

“Not dumb,  _ oblivious.   _ Gah!”  Peridot sat down again with a thump.  “I tried again after the big fight about Jasper and Lapis when you thought you could  _ lose _ me.  I  _ told _ you how I felt!  I — I thought by then you sort of accepted it even if you didn’t reciprocate!”

“Whoa, I do not remember that at  _ all.” _  Amethyst held up her hands, palms out.

“I remember exactly!  I told you you couldn’t lose me and you  _ knew… _ ah.  Okay, in hindsight, I think I may have been ambiguous.”  Peridot deflated a little.  “Maybe instead of saying ‘how I feel’ I should’ve actually said  _ how I felt.” _

“I could say how  _ I _ feel.  Weird.  And happy.  And weird!  And like I can’t believe one day I’ll be telling Steven’s grandkids my first big romantic kiss was on the back of a tractor.”  

“Well, mine too.  And what’s wrong with a tractor?”

“Really?  Not the tractor, the kiss.”

“Yes,” Peridot said, glancing away sheepishly.  “I’d never felt this way before I met you.  At first I thought something was wrong with me.  It doesn’t feel how I thought it was  _ supposed _ to but I’m pretty sure about it now.”

“But you haven’t kissed Lapis yet?”

“Why would I — wow.  You’ve  _ really _ got everything wrong.  She’s my friend.  And not my type at  _ all. _  If I can rightly be said to  _ have _ a type.  Possibly my type just consists of you!  And — and you deserve a lot of big romantic kisses.  Can I try to give you another one now?”

“Nah,” said Amethyst, shaking her head.  She couldn’t stop smiling; her cheeks were beginning to ache.  “First I need to give  _ you  _ one.”

 

After a few minutes they went back inside, because as romantic as a tractor could be with the right person, it wasn't really the most comfortable place for kissing or cuddling.  Amethyst felt bewildered by happiness.  Still exceedingly dumb, sure, but dumb with a girlfriend all of a sudden which was a definite step up from dumb with an unrequited crush.  

“I want to tell  _ everyone,”  _ said Peridot, squeezing her hand in the hall.  “Should we pick someone to be first or just go with whoever we run into?”

“Whoever.  Wait, what do you wanna say?”

“That congratulations are in order!  That we’re crazy about each other!  That we’ve cleared up a mutual misunderstanding tiresome enough for season  _ five _ and everything is going to be great from now on!  If you’d like to also tell people I’m a terrific kisser it wouldn't hurt.  Which you are too!  But considering what  _ your _ lips are like I think you have to agree I do more with less.”

_ Pretty sure that was a compliment but this is gonna be overshare city.  Getting  _ shy  _ is such a weird feeling.   _ “I think I changed my mind a bit.  Let’s wait till we can get everyone together.  That way we don’t have to explain over and over and over and also no one gets their nose outta joint about being the last to know.”

“I wouldn’t mind the repeated explanations but you have a point about the noses.  Shall we resume dancing the night away?  I’ve got moves you haven’t even seen yet!”  She grabbed Amethyst’s hands and swung her around.

“Let’s go.”

“If you  _ want _ you could start calling me some charming little petname like Dear-idot.”

“Ehhh… I’ll think of something cooler.”


	27. Chapter 27

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is one of those chapters I'm not 100% sure about, and I may end up going back to change some things about it, but I've been fiddling with it for too long so I'll throw it at the wall and see what sticks. Witness my process! Sorry about that.

After all that, Sheena was nowhere to be seen.  The dance floor was heaving because it seemed the high school band who had taken the stage after Greg were really pretty good, and even when Jasper gave Pearl a boost onto her shoulder neither of them could spot her.  

“Well, maybe —” said Pearl.

“No,” said Jasper.

“You don’t even know what I was going to say,” Pearl said.   _“But_ maybe she’s gone home.”

“It’s only ten o’clock; does she seem like a go-home-early type of person to you?”

“Hmm… no.”  Pearl leaned her elbow on top of Jasper’s head.  “Maybe she’s gone outside for some air, or to the bathroom.  Or I suppose she could be _in_ here and we’re just not seeing her.  Oh!  There’s Steven and Connie.  Steven!”  She waved vigorously, but Steven clearly couldn’t hear her.  “Well, they look like they’re having a good time, I won’t interrupt them.”

“Tell you what.  You keep looking in here, I’ll go and check the bathroom.”

“We’re not hunting her down,” Pearl pointed out, slipping down to the floor.  “Don’t scare her.”

“She’s not scared of me.  She thinks I’m nice but a little dumb, I guess.  See you in a few minutes.”  She was already walking away before it occurred to her how nice and how odd it was that someone she had just recently met wasn’t scared of her, without even any intercession from Steven.  Did it help that the first time Sheena had seen her she’d been in Pearl’s company?  Or that she’d been confused about pulp, as opposed to wreaking havoc?  As first impressions went, “confused about pulp” wouldn’t have been her first choice but it did beat “here to ruin everything.”  “Confused about pulp” was also better than “comically inept at having feelings.”

There was no Sheena in the girls’ bathroom, just other humans using the toilets and washing their hands and fixing themselves up in front of the mirrors over the sinks.  She checked on the state of her own hair and got some compliments and got briefly sidetracked helping a girl whose zipper had slid down and got stuck and needed a strong steady pull, before heading back out into the hall, wondering if she should stake out the doors and nab Sheena if she spotted her coming or going.  She was standing with her hands on her hips weighing up the situation when Sheena unexpectedly appeared from the doorway of the boys’ bathroom, hauling her brother with his arm over her shoulders.  Kevin was stumbling and looked greyish rather than pinkish-brown.  

“Ugh, come on,” Sheena said, trying to hitch him up a bit closer to vertical.  “How is someone as skinny as you so heavy?”

“All musssssssscle,” Kevin said.

“Are you okay there?” Jasper asked, heading over.  Sheena looked up, her face brightening.

“Jasper!  Perfect.  Can you help me with this dumbass?  He’s sliding all over the place.”

“Yeah, easy.”  She picked him up under the arms and considered his appearance.  “What’s wrong with him?”

“He was planning to spike the punch, but then he got greedy and drank the whole flask himself,” Sheena said, brushing off her shoulder.

“I don’t know what that means, but okay,” said Jasper.  

“He… poisoned himself a little bit recreationally.  It’s gonna wear off.  But he’s an idiot.”

“Youra nidiot,” said Kevin.  He lifted his head and looked at Jasper blearily.  “Why’re you so big?”

“Just lucky.  What do you want to do with him?” she asked Sheena.

“Get him outside and call a taxi.  Can you be _fantastic_ and hold him while I get my coat and stuff?”

“I can be fantastic.”

“Thank you!”  Sheena hurried off to the coat check table.  

Kevin was still giving her the bleary eye, his head wobbling slightly.  “You’re like, orange,” he said.

“Uh-huh.”

“But not like Jersey Shore orange.  Like _orange_ orange.”

“Yes.”

“Extreeeeeeme cheese.”

“Probably.”  Whatever calling a taxi entailed, she hoped it sorted Kevin out quickly so she could get Sheena back inside and over to Pearl.

“You should prolly stay away from Sheena, she’s like _really_ flaky.”

“She doesn’t look flaky to me.”

“Nerr finishes anything.  Din’t finish college.”  He blew a raspberry.

“So?”  Jasper had a vague idea that college was somewhere Connie was supposed to go when she grew up, but that was about it.  

“Shizzimbarrassing.”

“I like her, so…”  Jasper shrugged one shoulder.  

“Can't wait to get out of this garbage town,” he muttered.  

“What's stopping you?”

“Seventeen,” he said, as if that answered the question.  “I’m berran this place.”

“Did someone tell you that?”  He was starting to give her the creeps.  

“Sobvious.”  He attempted a suave smile.

“I used to think like that and it was very damn painful when I found out how wrong I was.  But then things got a lot better.  You should think twice before writing off where you're from as garbage.”

He started to laugh.  “Sheena, she's tryna give me life advice!  It's so lame!”

“Oh, leave her alone and put your stupid coat on,” Sheena said, coming over wearing her own coat and carrying another. Her shiny dancing shoes were sticking out of the top of her shoulder bag, replaced by a pair of heavy boots.  Jasper put Kevin down and Sheena chivvied him into his coat while he grumbled and swayed around.  “Taxi’s on its way.  Now mush,” she said, pushing him ahead of her.  

“Susshabish,” he muttered.  

“Yeah, I’m awful how I didn't just leave you half passed out on a toilet floor.  You're just lucky that kid told me you were there.”

Jasper followed them out into the night, ducking her head under the doorway.  “Oh,” said Sheena, looking back at her, “you don't have to…”  She trailed off, staring.  “Aren't you cold?”  Beside her, Kevin sneezed.  

It hadn't been embarrassing to explain this to Connie but somehow it was when it was Sheena.  “Hot and cold from the outside don't affect really affect me,” Jasper said.  “If I sweat or shiver it's because of feelings or what I'm doing, not the weather.  Though warm or cool can feel _nice,_ depending.”

Sheena was staring up at her wide-eyed, the corner of her mouth lifting in a half-smile.  White mist appeared in front of her face every time she exhaled.  “That is so cool,” she said.  “Is Pearl like that too?”

“I think we all are.”

“So it's all emotions?  Are they the same as ours?  Like what kind of feeling would make you sweat?”

 _Embarrassment like right now._ “Uh, being angry, getting excited, concentrating really hard on something tricky.  You know, making an effort.”

“Effort sucks,” said Kevin, stumbling down the steps to the parking lot.  

“Hey, don't go too far,” Sheena said, hurrying after him and putting her hand on his arm.  He shook it off.  “Don't be a jerk, I’m trying to get you home in one piece.”

“You're going home?” Jasper asked, dismayed.  “But it's still early.”

“I know, but it's too far to come back,” Sheena said apologetically.  “His mom will go nuts if he goes home in this state, so I have to take him to my place and let him sleep it off.  You’d better have money, Kev, this isn't gonna be cheap.”

“I thought you came here with your friend,” Jasper said.  “Coral?”

“Cora.  Yeah, she was my ride here but guess who's going home with Mr Puppy Dog Eyes?”  Sheena grinned and wiggled her eyebrows.  “It’s okay, I’ve got it under control.”

“But Pearl is looking for you.  I'm meant to be helping her, this is all going wrong.”  Jasper hung her head.  

“Oh, sweetie.”

“Oh, sweetie,” Kevin mimicked in a high-pitched voice nothing like his sister's.  

She absent-mindedly punched him in the arm and went on, “You don't have to _fix_ that.  It's not some all or nothing one night only thing.  You’ve both got my number, it's not a big deal.  And it's not your fault, it's this lightweight’s.”

Kevin looked up from studying his shoes, his face brightening.  “Hey, am I ruining some kind of hook-up?”

“Oh shush,” said Sheena.  

“That's hilarious.”

“What’s wrong with you?” Jasper asked.  “You should _want_ your sister to meet someone great like Pearl.”

“Pearl is a grandma name.”

“Drop it, Kevin.  Don't mind him, Jasper, he’s drunk.”

“Jasper is a cartoon villain name,” said Kevin, “and Sheena is —”  A look of dopey delight crossed his face and he began to sing, shuffling around in the slush with his hands in his pockets, “a punk rocker, Sheena is a punk rocker, Sheena is a punk rocker na-ha-ha-how.”

Sheena gave a small snort of laughter and shot Jasper a “can you believe this guy?” sort of glance.  She seemed more affectionate than angry.  Maybe she just liked hearing people sing about her.  

“Something something something, Empire City really had it all, oh yah, oh yahhh,” Kevin warbled, spinning around.  “Sheena is a puh —”  Without warning he bent forward and was quite violently sick in the general direction of his sister.  Jasper leaned in quick to scoop her out of the way.  There was a moment of startled silence broken only by Kevin sniffing and spitting wretchedly.  

“Did you just literally sweep me off my feet?” Sheena asked.  “To save me from puke?”

“You're wearing nice clothes,” Jasper said feebly.  

“I’m not complaining, this is fun.”  She hooked one arm around the back of Jasper's neck to get comfortable.  

“Sorry,” Kevin mumbled.  

“Now he’s sorry?” Jasper asked.  

“Kevin gets hurler’s remorse,” Sheena said.  “You done, kiddo?”

“So gross,” he said, coughed and spat.

“Clean your mouth.  Eat some snow.”

“Are you nuts?”

“I just wanted to see if you'd try it.  Can you let me down, Jasper?  Not that someone as heroic and chivalrous as you is ever gonna really let me down, obviously,” Sheena said, laughing as her feet touched the ground again.  “Do you also throw your cape over puddles?”

“Who told you about my cape?” Jasper asked, startled.  Only Peridot and Amethyst and maybe Steven knew about the cape thing, surely.  

“What?  Hold on, I think I still have…”  Sheena dug in her bag and came up with a half full bottle of iced tea.  “Rinse your nasty mouth with that, Kev.   And see?  She's not a cartoon villain, she's a cartoon _hero.”_

“I’m not a hero, I don't like people calling me that.  I don't know what you’ve heard but you shouldn't believe the hype, all right?  Or think I believe it.”  This was going from bad to worse.  Had Steven actually been telling either of them things about her?  Why would he tell Kevin, who he plainly didn’t like?  More to the point, when had he had the time?  

Sheena looked up from patting Kevin’s back.  “You really are…. I don't know, I said innocent before but I’m not sure that's the word.”

“Like grossly sincere and _earnest_ ,” said Kevin, wiping his mouth on his sleeve and straightening up.  He squinted at Jasper.  “Like she's all _pure of heart_ or something.”

“The unicorn thing was one time,” Jasper protested, then bit her tongue because there was no _way_ they could know about that and it wasn’t a real unicorn anyway and she was an idiot.

“Where did you _find_ her?” Kevin asked Sheena.  

“Supermarket originally,” Sheena said, sounding rather proud.

“Not, like, in a forest glade talking to squirrels?”

“I don't know what you two think I am but it's almost definitely not what I actually am,” Jasper said.  

“Squirrels!  She's Kronk!” Kevin said, and doubled over again hooting.  

“What is he calling me?” Jasper asked narrowing her eyes.  

“It doesn't matter, he’s being weird,” Sheena said, although she was trying not to giggle.  She left Kevin leaning on the metal balustrade beside the steps and hurried over to grab Jasper's hand.  “Sorry, sorry.  I didn't mean to make fun of you, I just… all the things other people would be joking if they said them, it seems like they're actually real in your life and it blows my mind.  Is Pearl like that too?  Capes and unicorns?”

“She's more swords and spaceships,” Jasper said.  “But no, I’m really not capes and unicorns.  I’m… I don’t know.  I _was_ fighting and winning and that was it.  Now I’m a mixture of a lot of things, but capes and unicorns aren’t in there.”

“But Pearl _is_ swords and spaceships?”  She looked like that was one of the best things she’d ever heard and Jasper felt greatly encouraged.

“Swords and spaceships and then some,” she said firmly.

“Wow.”

A battered-looking car with an illuminated bar on its roof bearing the word “TAXI” pulled into the parking lot and rolled up to stop in front of the steps.

“Aw, our ride’s here,” said Sheena.  “One sec, Jasper.”  She opened the rear door of the taxi and bundled Kevin into it.  “I’ll be just a minute,” she said to the driver.  “Don’t worry about him, he’s been sick already.”

“Are we gonna have a sleepover?” Kevin asked, flopping on the back seat with his legs sticking out of the car door.  His mood and perhaps his personality seemed to have improved after throwing up the poison, a bit like No-Face in _Spirited Away,_ Jasper thought.  Amethyst had _loved_ that scene.

“Yes yes,” said Sheena.  She hurried back to Jasper on the steps.  “Hey, down here,” she said, beckoning, and Jasper bent to her eye level.  “So, I wanted to do this last time I said goodbye to you, but I wasn’t sure you’d like it.  But listen, if you don’t want it for you, why not give it to Pearl for me?”  She put her hands to Jasper’s cheeks and kissed her gently on the mouth.  Both her fingertips and the ring in her lip felt very cold, but her lips themselves were soft and very warm.  Jasper was too stunned to react for half a second, and she was just starting to respond when she found Sheena was drawing back.

 _I can’t.  I’m going to._  She leaned in and tried to kiss Sheena properly, at least to let her feel that it had been welcome.  She wasn’t sure she did it well; it had been a long, _long_ time since she’d kissed anyone and her heart hadn’t been in it then and she still wasn’t quite sure it was now, but it did feel good at least to try.  

“Woo woo,” went Kevin in the background, which effectively broke any kind of spell.  

“Good night, then,” Jasper said, straightening up.

“Good night.”  Sheena hesitated again for just a moment, as if there were some parting shot that could top _that,_ and then smiled and shook her head and went down to the taxi.

“Shove over,” Jasper heard her say as she clambered in.

“You _kissed_ her.  You _like_ her.”

“No fooling.”

“I can’t believe your _foot popped,”_ Kevin said, giggling.  “Does she have a chicken for your table?”

“What the hell, Kevin, we haven’t watched those movies since you were ten.”  Sheena pulled the taxi door shut with a thump.  She gave a quick wave through the foggy window as the car pulled away, and then they were gone.  Jasper shivered and hurried back indoors.  Standing around in the dark next to a small puddle of vomit didn't appeal.  

She wanted to be by herself, she wanted to find Pearl, and she wanted to find Amethyst and tell her everything about it, simultaneously.   _If I saw Pearl now, what would I do?  Pass that kiss on?  I know it's not a_ thing _I can hand over and not have any more but I think I want it to be mine too.  Could we share?  But Sheena talked about it like, if not me, then Pearl, like it needs to be one or the other — but not_ via _me, surely?  Is that a thing they do?  Amethyst might know.  But do I want to kiss Pearl on_ my _behalf?_

It was such a weird thing to think about.  She really had assumed, without ever consciously asking herself, that Pearl would never consider her in that light, that she was just too obviously a big broken-down mess, someone people might form relationships with out of kindness because they saw she needed someone to care about her and wasn't so bad once you got to know her, but not someone they'd want to be with out of _attraction_ or because they thought it would make them happy.  Perfect Jasper was gone and Perfect Jasper had been the only one anyone was attracted to.  There were people who could accept her the way she really was but that surely ruled out the possibility of anything romantic because, well, they knew the way she really was.

That assumption had felt so strong and obvious that of course she'd also never given any thought to whether she might want something like that with Pearl.  It had just seemed simple; if her feelings were going all weird on her and not only upturning previously obvious things like “Pearls are just cute in a decorative fluffy way” but jumping around on top of them making a fuss about how beautiful Pearl was and how graceful and strong and how the lower registers of her voice in particular tended to make Jasper feel like someone was running a feather slowly up her back, well, she just had to put up with that and try not to dwell on it.  When she'd told Sheena that what she wanted didn't matter, she'd felt like she was reminding her of a basic premise that she just might not see because she was an outsider to the situation.

Of course, maybe Sheena _was_ wrong because she _was_ an outsider, not even a Gem, much less one who knew the background to the thing.  But maybe she had a point; at the very least she'd prodded Jasper into recognising that yet again something she'd taken for a fact had just been a feeling.  What did _that_ mean?

She’d walked herself clear through the hall and into the dark corridor that led to the library.  “Stop,” she told herself.  “You’re working yourself up before you really know anything.  This may not be a big deal at all.  Okay?  Okay.”  She tried taking a deep breath and letting it out slowly, but she just felt impatient to be done with that.

 _Before I try to figure out anything about how Pearl feels or what I should do, let’s just solve that first question.  Allowing for the_ possibility _that she might be interested, would I want to kiss Pearl, just for myself?_

_Yes.  Holy smokes, yes.  All the time.  Hug her and kiss her and call her pet names and tell her I love her and carry on like a fool._

She was pacing because she couldn’t hold still and think about things like this, her heels clacking and echoing up and down the empty hallway.

 _What would it even be like?  Nothing like going out to be seen with someone.  Just… home.  Good morning, Jasper, good morning, Pearl, kiss, kiss.  That would be_ amazing. _That might just be the tamest romantic fantasy anyone has ever had._

 _Pearl does like me.  She does care about me.  She is… cuddly with me, affectionate.  And it’s not as if I’m ugly, I was built to be beautiful as well as strong.  She_ could _be interested.  And if she’s not, it’s not as if she would be mean to me about it.  So I don’t need to feel terrified.  I still_ do _but I know I don’t_ need _to._ She stopped, pressing her hands together on her chest, hoping the pressure would calm her down a bit.

_But I feel a bit excited too.  I really do.  I’m going to go and find her._

 

She did find Pearl, but a private conversation was impossible.  On the dance floor circles had formed, groups of friends taking turns to dance across the centre space and tag someone to go next, showing off their best steps on the way.  One such circle consisted of Steven, Connie, Garnet (back together; typical), Amethyst, Pearl, Peridot, Lapis, Greg — even Priyanka and a human man who she supposed was Connie’s father.  Peridot was capering across the circle, her face shining with sweat while the others cheered her on.  She reached the other side, grabbed Amethyst’s hands, twirled her around and cast her into the middle of the circle, where she skidded to a stop, struck a pose looking cool, spotted Jasper, and then lost her cool to yell, “Pork chop!  Getcher giant ass in here, sister dance!”  Jasper turned sideways to edge between Connie and Priyanka and joined her to bop around, mirroring Amethyst’s moves as best she could in this dress, getting breathless with laughter until Amethyst ran back to Peridot, leaving her to pick the next dancer.  She tagged Pearl, obviously, got a brilliant smile in response and retired to the side of the circle, scarlet-cheeked, while Pearl leapt into the middle and began pirouetting so fast she was a blur, her coat-tails flying out behind her.  She struck a pose of her own, plainly revelling in the attention, before tagging Lapis.

Lapis looked unsure, but Greg patted her on the back and said something and she stepped out.  She seemed to dance slowly to what was a fast song, moving from one attitude to another with fluid movements, always striking a pose on the beat.  Her water droplets swirled around her, swinging out like a fringe of beads.  At last she twirled over to tag Steven.  The dance went on, and the strange but beautiful part was how as long as it lasted they were all in their different ways part of the same thing.  Also, Connie’s dad could breakdance.

And then it was midnight, and the net under the ceiling concealed by Pearl and Jasper’s carefully hung drapes was released, and balloons and snowflake confetti tumbled down on the dancers.  Jasper had blown up a good two thirds of these balloons herself and had still managed to forget this was going to happen.  She looked up in wonder, and felt something light but strong collide with her, and looked down to find Pearl hugging her round the waist.  On impulse she scooped her up, tossed her into the air among the tumbling balloons and caught her again.  Pearl gave a little shriek of delight and hugged her round the neck.  “Again!”  So she gave her another bounce.

“Ladies and gentlepeeps, thank you for joining us for the first Beach City Snow Ball!  We hope it’s the first of many, and we hope you’ll enjoy the last dance.”  That was Steven’s friend Jamie up on the stage, and the band was beginning to play something slow and mellow.  Jasper ended up not so much dancing with Pearl as swaying in place carrying her in her arms.  Pearl rested her head on Jasper’s shoulder, looking out at the room.  

“I think we did rather well, all in all,” Pearl said.  Her mouth was close enough to Jasper’s ear for her to hear her clearly over the music.  Her voice was warm and low and contented.  “Thank you, my capable assistant.”

“Sorry I couldn't find Sheena for you.  Well, I _found_ her, just couldn't bring her back.  She had to take her brother home.”

“I know you tried.”

_She gave me this to give to you.  I could do that right now.  I just — I can't, everyone would see us, if I messed it up it’d be humiliating.  I feel good right now and I want to just keep feeling that way while I can._

The song ended and there was applause and she set Pearl down a little reluctantly.  

“Well!” Pearl said, clapping her hands together briskly.  “That was very nice and now everyone will go home and I can make a start on cleaning this place up.”

“What?” said Lapis.  

“This is like an after-party for Pearl,” Amethyst said.  “Look at her, just spoiling to roll her sleeves up and sweep somethin.’”

“Perhaps if we turned the lights on they'd get moving faster,” Pearl said thoughtfully.  

“No, Pearl, just give them time to wind down,” Steven said, patting the air soothingly.  “No one likes to rush straight out.  They want to say good night to their friends and stuff like that.”

“Which… my mom is already over at the doors looking at her watch,” Connie said.  

“You see,” said Pearl.  

“Okay.  Oh boy, I didn't think we’d be in a rush.  Night, Connie. I had such a wonderful time!”  He hugged her and she kissed him on the cheek and hurried away.  

“Cheer up, Steven, a kiss on the cheek is at least somewhere on your face,” said Peridot.  

“What?”

“Isn't it customary to stage significant milestones like first kisses at events like this?  I assumed you were hoping to accomplish that.”

“Oh.  Um.  We already did,” Steven said, turning pink.  “When the balloons came down.”

“Oh!  Congratulations.”

“Woo!  Go Stee-man!” whooped Amethyst.

“How embarrassing would it be if I congratulated you too?” Greg asked, ruffling Steven’s hair.

“Very, thanks Dad!” Steven said, laughing.

“Congratulations anyway!”

“Steven isn’t the only one who should be congratulated!” Peridot said, grabbing Amethyst’s arm.  “Guess who else got kissed tonight?”  Before anyone could hazard a guess she gleefully blurted, “She did!  I kissed her!  Amethyst!”

Amethyst looked a little startled and embarrassed to have it announced like that, particularly as someone — not even Pearl — had just brought up the house lights and made them all squint for a moment.  Jasper blinked in surprise.  Good for them sorting it out on their own, she guessed, although it nipped Lapis’ idea of the two of them helping them in the bud.

“Called it,” said Garnet smugly.

“You win,” said Pearl, shrugging.  “We’re so happy for you, Amethyst!”

“You had a _bet_ about this?” Amethyst asked.

“Not a bet _per se,”_ said Pearl, steepling her hands, “just a bit of a debate.  Well done, Peridot!”

“I _have_ done well, haven’t I!  Amethyst?  Don’t you want to show off about how overjoyed we are?”

“I just, uh, never had anything like this to announce before,” Amethyst said sheepishly.

“Nor have I!  That’s why it’s so exciting.  Isn’t it?”  Peridot’s voice faltered a little.

“Well, I think it’s great,” Lapis said.  “No more mooning around the barn; no more soliloquies about how truly, _yours_ is the pining heart.  I hope you two are very happy together.”

“Aw, babe.  You soliloquised about me?”

“A bit.  Sometimes.”  Peridot perked up as Amethyst leaned over and kissed her on the cheek.  “Do you want to hear one of them?”

“Hey.”  Jasper bent down and offered Amethyst her fist.  Amethyst gave her a crooked smile and bumped her own against it.

_“Pchowwwww.”_

_“Pchowwwww.”_

“What’s that mean?” Peridot asked.

“Means what we want it to mean,” said Amethyst.

“At the moment,” said Jasper, “it means, um… congrats, I hope this works out great, with a side of I think I’m supposed to say some kind of protective thing about how you treat my sister.”

“My treatment of Amethyst will be exemplary in every respect,” Peridot said.  “I mean, after seven seasons and a movie I think I’ve observed pretty much every way there is to mess up a relationship and can avoid all of them.”

“I’ll invent some new ones to give you a challenge,” Amethyst said, shrugging and grinning.

They ended up sitting around one of the tables waiting for the crowd to clear out.  

“It looks a bit less magical with the lights on,” Pearl said, looking around, “but I still think it holds up well.”

“Of course it does, it’s beautiful.  It seems like a shame to take it down,” Jasper said.  She was sitting on the floor; she just didn’t trust the rented chairs.

“Well, we’ll pack it all up safely and if there’s another one of these, out it comes again.”

“How’re the rest of us supposed to get home, though?” Amethyst asked.  “If you’re packing up here you’ll wanna keep the truck here.”

“Greg Taxi?” said Greg.  “If you all scootch in tight I think I can do it in one trip.”

“There’s less need for scootching because _I_ have _my own wheels,”_ said Peridot.  “I can drive Amethyst home.”  

“But then what about Lapis?” Steven asked.  

“I can just fly,” Lapis said, shrugging.  “It’s actually quicker, and I don’t want to be a third wheel.  Fifth wheel.  Surplus wheel.”

“There’s room for you too,” Greg said.

“I live completely out of your way.”

“That’s okay,” he said.  “I mean, depending on how technical you want to get with justifications, you live at my place.”

“It’s a pretty far reach,” Lapis said, smiling faintly, “but it’s not totally false.”

“It seems like you two are getting to be friends!” Steven said brightly.

“We’ve actually had a good talk,” Lapis said, sounding mildly astonished.  “Greg told me about his concept album _Water Witch._  At first I was a little offended, but he explained that it’s not about _me,_ he realises he doesn’t know me, it’s imagery _inspired_ by me.  I can appreciate that.”

“We’re talking about a collaboration,” Greg said, his face lighting up, “with my music and her aqua — kinetic — art dealy.  If it works it could be an amazing live show, something completely one of a kind.  It might even turn into a rock opera!”

“Hmph.  As Lapis’ _main_ artistic partner, I _consent_ to her collaboration with you,” Peridot said.

“We’re still just talking about it,” Lapis said, propping her elbow on the table and her cheek on her hand, “and I would’ve discussed it with you anyway.”  She gave Peridot a little poke in the shoulder with one finger.  “I love you, but you don’t own me or my creative flow.”

“Well, no.  Obviously.”  Peridot looked a little abashed.  “And it’ll be good for you to have a new project after what happened to the toilets.”

“What happened to the toilets?” Amethyst asked, alarmed.

“We left them outside when it froze and the water inside swole up and cracked them,” Lapis said, “which I really should’ve seen coming.”

“Aw, man.  I’m sorry, Lapis, I know you loved those crappers.”

“Thank you.”

It was an oddly heartfelt conversation about toilets, in Jasper’s opinion.  Lapis really did sound touched by Amethyst’s sympathy, and there was a softness in Amethyst’s eyes looking at her.  If that was how they got to be friends again, over a broken toilet, well, it was probably actually pretty appropriate.

“Jasper met someone too, didn’t you?” Lapis asked.  She sounded hesitant but hopeful.  “That girl you danced with for so long.”

“Oh,” Jasper said, still a little startled to have Lapis speak to her.  “That’s Sheena, she’s Pearl’s friend really.”

“You’ve spent more time with her now than I have,” Pearl pointed out.

“But you _found_ her.  And I’m not trying to take her over.  Oh!  Steven, I didn’t even get to tell you!  You know that boy you don’t like?  He’s Sheena’s half-brother.”

“Whaaaaaat?”

“Yep.  He’s _really_ annoying, you were right.  He reminded me of me.”

“Whaaaa — oh, you mean how you used to be.”  Steven scrunched up his nose.  “At least you were trying to do something you thought was important at the time.  Kevin’s mean just because he thinks it’s _funny.”_

“I don’t know that that makes it better or worse,” Jasper said, shrugging.  “A jerk’s a jerk.  Although apparently if he throws up he gets a little more tolerable.”

“What has this boy done to you, Steven?” Pearl asked, frowning and starting to rise from her chair.  “I had no idea — if I have to go and have a _word_ with him —”

“It’s okay, Pearl, Connie and I dealt with it.  He didn’t _do_ anything really, mostly just _said_ things that really bothered me.  But that’s over and I’m not gonna let him upset me again.  Did you say he threw up?” Steven added, turning back to Jasper.

“Hurled big time.”

“Good.”

“Steven!  That’s not very nice,” Lapis said, chuckling.

“I wouldn’t say good if he got eaten by a bear!  It’s just an itsy-bitsy baby schadenfreude.”

“It just goes to show you’re not too good to be true.”  She reached across the table and beeped his nose.

 

At last everyone else had gone.  Pearl and Jasper walked back to survey the room which had somehow, without anything in it being removed, changed back from a ballroom to a gymnasium with decorations in it.  

“I guess I should change my clothes for clean-up,” Jasper said.  She’d loved wearing this dress but it was clearly no longer practical.

“You don’t have to,” Pearl said, although she was untying her bow tie.  “Come to think of it…”

“What?”

“The whole evening, you and I didn’t have one dance.  And wouldn’t it be a waste to change before we do?”

“But… there’s no more music.”

“It’s not absolutely necessary.  And _I_ think it would be a waste for me to leave the ball without having danced with the prettiest girl there.”  Pearl glanced up at her, sidelong and sly, and Jasper felt her cheeks go hot at the realisation she’d just been hit full in the face by an actual Pearl Flirt.

The weird part was that she’d been flirted with in those terms before, even if “pretty” hadn’t been the word they’d used; part of being expected to dance with elite Gems at Yellow Diamond’s functions was that some of them would try to flirt with her, and she wasn’t allowed to tell them to get lost.  Even for someone who’d lived for attention and validation, she always felt so _patronised_ by the way they said it that it wasn’t enjoyable at all.  She refused to flirt back, even though that would have been polite (it was obviously what they were angling for); the closest she could get was mumbling something like “Your Clarity flatters me.”  For once her stony face had done her a favour; that combined with the flush of indignation meant they’d decided she was charmingly bashful and tongue-tied.

And here she was _wanting_ to flirt back and she _did_ feel bashful and tongue-tied and not sure she could say anything remotely smooth.  “So, not counting you then,” she said.

“Hmm?”

“If you’re calling me the prettiest you must not be counting yourself,” Jasper said, mortified to have to repeat it; explaining it only made it sound dumber.  If she had to say it again she would feel like a complete idiot.  Pearl saved her from complete idiocy by giggling, turning and sweeping her something in between a bow and a curtsey.  She straightened up and offered her hand.

“Shall we?”

“I do _want_ to, just…”

“If you’re worried about the music, I can hum,” Pearl said, smiling.  “And if you’re worried about anything else, remember that it will just be a dance.”

“Oh _well,_ as long as you’re going to _hum,”_ Jasper said, and took her hand.  Pearl led her out to the middle of the floor, strewn with confetti and the rubber rags of popped balloons, and as Pearl softly hummed, they began to dance.  

 _I only just know what I’m doing here.  She’s so beautiful and her_ voice _is_ doing things _to me._  The last time she’d danced with someone Pearl’s size had been Lapis, of course, but she felt so different; Lapis surged with angry energy like a stormy sea and you felt it wherever you touched her.  If only Jasper had known enough then to recognise the danger that energy meant.  Pearl felt… airy.  Her energy was like a soft tingling buzz.  She led with grace and confidence and as Jasper eased into trusting her she found it easier than she’d expected to keep up.

“Are you ready to dip?” Pearl asked, arching her eyebrows.

“You can’t dip me, I’m like four times your size.”

“Remember, I’m used to dancing with Gems bigger than me.  I’m sure you can do this; just follow me.  Here we go.”

For the life of her Jasper couldn’t explain how Pearl did it, it felt like it violated at least one law of physics, but she _did_ it; Jasper was swung down so low her hair brushed the floor and then she was whisked back upright, and Pearl was smiling up at her in that wonderful _smug_ way she had when she was _so_ pleased with herself and how could it be so cute for someone to be so smug?  Jasper started to laugh in delight and almost tripped herself up; she just managed to save herself but that made her giggle more.

“You goose,” said Pearl fondly.

“Your fault!  I was never a goose before I knew _you.”_

“Did you _giggle_ before you knew me?”

“Only once I knew Amethyst and Steven.  Small window of pre-you giggling.  You forgot to hum!”

“How _awful.”_  Pearl hummed again for a little while until she seemed to feel the song was done and they drew to a stop and bowed to one another.  “Thank you.  That was perfect.  Just what I hoped for.  Was it — did you think it was good?”

“You know it was good, don’t you?  That’s — that’s the first time I’ve danced _with_ another Gem, like this, and it’s been a good thing.  I’ve been happy.  Thank you.”

There was a soft blue sheen on Pearl’s cheeks and she looked up at Jasper as if she were proud of her just for being happy.  “Well,” she said, “then everything’s all right and we can get on with the clean-up.”

It wasn’t quite what Jasper had thought might happen, but cleaning up with Pearl was comfortably familiar.  Pearl took off her coat and rolled up her sleeves, and Jasper changed her own clothes back to her everyday outfit, then added sleeves to it so she could roll them up too as an affectation, and they began the dismantling.  They worked from top to bottom, taking down the lights and mirror globe, then the draperies, folding and rolling them and tying them together in bundles that Jasper lugged out to the truck.  She noticed on the steps that some poor sucker had stepped right in Kevin’s puke puddle, but everyone else seemed to have successfully gone round it.  

It was a long job, and getting tedious from Jasper’s point of view well before the time they were dismantling the chairs and tables, but Pearl was honestly enjoying herself and seeing her happiness at getting everything tidy and organised kept her going.  On top of that, Pearl in rolled-up shirtsleeves was pretty bewitching and she had to keep reminding herself not to stare.  Or ask herself questions like what, if anything, Pearl wore _under_ the material suit.  Her shirt collar was open, the untied bow tie hanging loose under it, and there was no sign of the high neck of her usual turquoise top.  Just… Pearl.  Dainty little collarbones.  Not staring.  

At long last, when the sky outside was beginning to fade to grey, everything was in the truck, Jasper had had the satisfaction of popping the remaining intact balloons, and she was sitting on the edge of the stage swinging her legs and watching Pearl waltz a push-broom around the floor, sweeping up the drifts of confetti and balloon scraps and coat check tickets and lost sequins and flower petals and so on and so forth.  She was humming again, contentedly.

“And that’s the last of it,” Pearl said, just a little wistfully, shaking the last of the debris from a dustpan into a trash sack and tying up the top with a crisp bow.

“Never mind,” Jasper said philosophically, “there’ll be more garbage tomorrow.”  She heaved herself down from the stage and picked up the sack to take it out to the dumpsters.

“No, wait,” Pearl said, touching her arm.

“Hmm?”

“Well, first of course I just want to say thank you for being so patient and diligent in helping me.  I know I can always rely on you.”

“Aw, that’s not a big deal,” Jasper said, scratching her neck.  “It’s how I rack up all those Pearl Points.  You know I’m a stickler for stickers.”

“There’s something I’ve wanted to say for a while and I want to say it _now_ before I lose my nerve again.  Or not nerve, exactly…  I just want to say it now while things feel right.”  Her hands were fluttering, and she steadied them by taking a firmer hold on Jasper’s forearm.  “I know that fusion must be a difficult subject for you because you’ve had such a dreadful experience.  Perhaps you’ll never want to try it again, and if that’s the case I would understand.  I would _try_ to understand.”  She took a deep breath.  

“But I want to say now, so you know, if you ever do want to try it again, if you think you could trust someone enough for that, if you want to see the good and the beautiful side of it that isn’t _just_ about power and strength, well, I’m here.  And if I’m not the partner you would choose I’ll try to understand that too, goodness knows I don’t want to pester you for anything, but if — well, it would be my privilege and my pleasure to show you what it can be like.  That’s all I want to say, and you don’t need to say anything back, I just simply wanted you to know.”

Jasper looked at her, a little baffled.   _She really wants us to._

“I’m glad I know your face better than I used to,” Pearl said with a nervous little laugh, “or I’d think you were terribly offended.  It’s just that I’ve given you a lot to think about, isn’t it?”

“Like _now?”_ Jasper asked.  “Do you want to?”

“Oh no, I’m not asking you to decide now.  You should take your time to think about what you want to do, I would hate for you to choose in a hurry and regret it.”  Pearl smiled at her brightly and just a little bit falsely.  

“I — I think if I wait and think _I’m_ going to lose my nerve.  I can’t believe you want — are you sure?”

“Of course I’m sure.  Why wouldn’t _I_ be sure?” Pearl asked with a small laugh.  “It’s you I’d expect to have doubts.”

Jasper bit her lip, trying to think.  She knew she _should_ think about a decision like this, should be intelligent about it, but all she could think of now that it was unexpectedly on offer was how much she wanted it.   _Why_ did she want it, though?  Pearl was a _Pearl._  She couldn’t expect any great boost of strength.  What Pearl did with what she had was incredible but she wasn’t a secret powerhouse like Lapis.

But Pearl was _Pearl._  

“I want to because it’s you,” she said.  “And I do trust you.  And if you say it’s good and beautiful then I want to see.  Can we?”

“I know we can,” Pearl said, a huge smile dawning on her face.  “Oh Jasper, I can’t wait to see who we’ll be!  It may take us a few tries, it isn’t always easy, but I can’t _wait!”_  She actually skipped in place.

 _Deep breath.  Keep calm._ Jasper managed to smile at her, although she was so excited and nervous her face trembled.  “Shall we?”

 _“Yes.”_  

It took longer than it had with Lapis, more steps, more doubt, but then she felt that airy, tingling energy embrace her and light filled her head.  She was mingled with Pearl, not perfectly combined but so much closer than with Lapis that the difference stunned her, and the name Calcite came into her head, and her hooves skittered on the polished wood floor and _why do I have hooves that’s wrong that’s oh no no no._

Calcite burst apart and Jasper fell to the floor, Pearl bouncing and rolling away from her.  She felt dead cold and she curled in on herself in a ball, covering her head with her arms, her hands clawing into her hair.   _I can’t let it out, I can’t turn into that again, I need Steven, I need Amethyst, I should never have tried to do this!_ She was gasping, her chest aching, and she flinched when she felt a cool hand on her arm.  “I’m so sorry, Pearl, I’m so sorry.”

“Are you all right?  Jasper?  Look at me, tell me what’s wrong.”  Pearl was patting at her anxiously.  

“What do you mean, what’s _wrong?”_  Jasper looked up, bewildered.  “I’m so sorry, Pearl, you should never have had to — I’m sorry, I made you —”

“You haven’t made me do anything.”

“I made you a monster with me!”  She covered her head again, tears rolling down her face and running into the corners of her mouth, stretched in a grimace of misery.

“What do you mean?”

“What do I _mean?  Hooves!_ Beast body!  Monster, brute, horrible _thing!”_  She clutched at her hair, pulling bunches of it painfully tight.  

There was a silence, except for her hoarse breathing.  Pearl’s hands were still on her arm.  Why was she still there?  Did she think she had to stay?

“Did you not know that was going to happen?” Pearl asked carefully.

“I huh-hoped it wouldn’t.  I was hoping it wasn’t me.  Th-that it was Lapis, it was the corruption, it was — it was me, though, I just _make monsters!”_

“Oh, _Jasper,”_ Pearl whispered.  “Oh no, you’ve got it so wrong.”

“I don’t see how,” she said miserably.

“Stop and think,” Pearl said, stroking her arm.  “Do you remember Calcite’s arms?  How many?”

“F-four.”

“Yes.  Did you know nearly every fusion I’ve ever been a part of has at least four arms?  Not to mention two pairs of eyes.  Is that monstrous?”

“It’s not a _beast body.”_

“Shh, shh.  When they trained you, did you only ever fuse like with like?  Not even another variety of Jasper?”

“Yes, of course.  And even then it was only like, you might have to do this in an emergency but you shouldn’t _need_ to, you should be _stronger_ than that,” Jasper spat out.  “We didn’t spend long on it.”

“Well, no wonder you don’t know.  I’m so sorry, I should have realised, I could have warned you and then you wouldn’t have been so upset.  It’s a Jasper thing.  Not a _you_ thing, any Jasper.  It won’t show up if you fuse with exactly the same type, but when there’s any difference you get these sort of centaur bodies.  All kinds of strange and wonderful features, claws, hooves, but it’s not monstrous.  I promise you, Jasper, it’s not, it’s perfectly normal for you.”

Jasper peered at Pearl from under her own arm.  “Weren’t you — wasn’t it disgusting?”

“Oh my _stars,_ no!  I’ve _missed_ it!” Pearl said with a little gasp of laughter.  “In my experience it _only_ happens with Jaspers and I think it’s so exhilarating.”

“In — in your experience?”

“Well, you know we had lots and lots of types in the Crystal Gems, right?  Not segregated but all together, getting to know each other and to be friends?”  Pearl reached up to stroke Jasper’s hair, smoothing it back.

“You don’t need to talk to me in that kind little voice like I’m Steven.”  She felt so ashamed that Pearl was having to baby her along about something like this.

“I want to be kind to you because you’re Jasper.”  Pearl kept stroking her hair and went on.  “Back then one of my _dear_ friends was a Jasper, Biggs Jasper.  I fused with her many times and it was always wonderful.  Our fusion was called Aragonite and she was _so_ strong and beautiful, and I loved being her every time.  And she had six legs and four arms and even a little tail.  She was _not_ a monster.”

Jasper kept still, trying to think.  There was too much new stuff to deal with and she knew some of it was going to slip out of her mind, and she’d probably focus on the wrong parts anyway.  “You were friends with another Jasper before me?”   _Am I_ jealous?   _What’s_ wrong _with me?  I just — oh for crap’s sake, I felt_ special _and now I don’t feel_ special _any more, that’s pathetic._

“Mmhm.  Biggs was a lovely person.  Very gentle and placid most of the time, an absolute terror when she fought.  I — I haven’t even talked about her in so long, it feels funny to say her name again.”  There was a note of sadness in Pearl’s voice.

“What… happened to her?” Jasper asked.  She lowered her arms and wiped her eyes with the back of her hand.

“I’ve never known.”  The sadness was stronger.  “She may have fallen in the last battle or she may have been corrupted.  Either way I never saw her again, not in a form I could recognise.”

“I had… I captured a Biggs Jasper, she was one of my two strongest, the ones I caught in the snow that day you saw me.  You think maybe that was her?”

“Well, if it was, she’s safe.  She’s bubbled.”  Pearl shook her head.  “I didn’t want to get onto that, I only want to make you feel better.  There is nothing monstrous about you or about Calcite.  You are both beautiful and strong and good.  It’s important for you to know that’s true.”

Jasper wrapped her arms around her knees.  She didn’t feel _better_ yet but it wasn’t getting worse.  “What did you call that kind of body?  Something like centre.”

“Centaur.  It’s a creature from Earth mythology — I think from before Gems got here, but I’m not really sure.  They make such odd things up — I remember having an argument about it once with one of the humans Rose used to take up with, some sort of antiquarian, very sure of herself.”  She had been steadily stroking Jasper’s hair all this time, but her hand stilled for a moment.  “Actually, something that might interest you.  Centaurs are mostly portrayed one of two ways.  Sometimes they’re violent and wild and disruptive, particularly in large groups.”

“Brutes,” Jasper said ruefully.

“But certain centaurs are portrayed as very wise as well as strong, and they’re the teachers and trainers of heroes.  If there’s a bit of a centaur in you, you could be _that_ kind of centaur for Steven and Connie.  Wouldn’t that be a nice way to think of it?  Much nicer than calling yourself a brute or a beast.”  Pearl’s hand faltered again.  “Is this at all comforting?  Garnet is so much better at this type of thing.”

“It wouldn’t mean anything coming from Garnet.  It means a lot coming from you.”  Jasper gnawed at her lower lip a moment.  “I have to ask you something dumb.”  

“There are no dumb questions.”

“You really think that?”

“Well, _no,_ but I don’t want to discourage you from asking something that might be important to you.”  Pearl sat down beside her, her legs tucked to one side.

“To me, before, fusion was just a fighting tactic.  To Garnet it’s about Ruby and Sapphire loving each other.  When Steven and Amethyst fused to make Smoky Quartz and ruin my day, they loved each other but that’s family love, not romantic love.  And with Lapis it was meant to be a tactic but it turned into this weird… thing… hating each other and needing each other, except in the end she didn’t need me at all, she could just walk away and feel better and I couldn’t.  She didn’t _lose_ anything.  I’m getting sidetracked, that’s not what I wanted to say.  I don’t _know_ what I wanted to say.”

“It sounded as if it might have been about different reasons for fusion,” Pearl said.  She tucked her hand into its familiar place inside Jasper’s elbow and leaned her head against her upper arm.  “Something like that?”

“Did you want to fuse with me because you believe fusion is good and beautiful and everyone should be able to enjoy it or did you want to because you wanted to be close to _me?”_

“Both, of course,” Pearl said without hesitation.  “And believing everyone should be able to enjoy it doesn’t mean I’m equally interested in fusing with everyone.  I _do_ need to want to be close to that person in particular.  Everyone I’ve fused with has been someone I love.  And I am counting you when I say that.”

“I love _you.”_ She let out her breath in a long shaky gust.

“I had an inkling.”  Pearl rubbed her cheek against Jasper’s arm.  

“Oh, was I really obvious about it?”

“Aren’t I too?  You just seemed to be more comfortable with showing rather than telling so I was following your lead.”

“I’ve been confused about it.  Loving people other than Pink Diamond is just really new to me.  If I act like a clumsy idiot you know why.”

“If you act like a big gruff sweetheart who cares more about making me happy than about herself I think I know why too.”

“Hrrmm.”  Jasper felt midway between better and more confused, and by now, pretty tired, but she couldn’t leave this alone.  She was trying to think, at least to work out what exactly she was thinking about.  Love or fusion or both or what?

“You’re so very sweet to me about Sheena,” Pearl said.  “Please don’t worry about how that turns out.  I _am_ going to do my best but if nothing comes of it, it will absolutely not be your fault, you’ve done everything possible to pave the way.”

“I wasn’t even really thinking about her now.  It’s not like fusion’s ever going to be an issue with her.”

“That’s true.  That’s one of the things that feels strange to me about trying to have a close relationship with a human, you know, that that won’t even be possible.”

“Well, _I’m_ not used to fusion being part of a close relationship, but then hah, I’m not used to close relationships.”  She looked down at Pearl, leaning against her trustingly.  “Do you want to try again?”

“Already?” Pearl asked, looking up in surprise.  “But you were so upset just now.”

“Well, Jaspers don’t give up.”

“That doesn’t mean you have to do it right _now_ —”

“I want to.  I want to face up to it, not avoid it.  It was feeling great until I realised what shape we were and panicked.  Well, you say that’s not the deal-killer I thought it was.  I can get over it if I try.  If you’re with me?”

“Absolutely,” Pearl said, scrambling to her feet.  She held out her hand.  “Shall we?”

 

Instead of going home, Amethyst and Peridot had made their way by a circuitous route to the headland behind the temple and parked the tractor by the lighthouse.  While it was still dark they’d gone into the lighthouse and eaten some of Ronaldo’s snack stash and had a good laugh at his conspiracy theory pinboards and stolen a blanket he kept on the old couch, made out a little bit on said couch, and now they were wrapped up in the blanket together, sitting on the tractor seat and waiting to watch the sun come up over the ocean.

Peridot had been shedding her duct-tape suit in bits and pieces for a while; it had held up well for what it was but now she was down to her uniform and her bow tie.  They had laid out the remains on the floor in the lighthouse and chalked a note next to them, SHED SNAKE PERSON (SNERSON) SKIN OMGZ!!!  That counted as thanks for the snacks, they figured.

“You’re nicer to hug without the crinkly tape,” Amethyst said.  Peridot was snuggled into the side of her body with Amethyst’s arm round her and her head on Amethyst’s shoulder.  They’d worked the angles out just right so that Amethyst could rest her cheek against Peridot’s haystack of hair like a crispy pillow.

“But I looked cool while it lasted, right?”

“You looked _so_ cool.  My groovy little nerd.”

“You know, I’m not sure you’re using that word correctly, because my research indicates that nerdy and cool are almost diametrically opposed qualities.”

 _“Or_ you pull off being both at once, which is pretty amazing, am I right?”

“I _am_ pretty amazing, in that case.”  Peridot rubbed her cheek against Amethyst’s shoulder contentedly.  Amethyst closed her eyes; she might miss the start of the sunrise but this was just so peaceful.

Then it wasn’t so much.

“What’s that _noise?”_

“Sounds like… clattering and laughing?” Peridot lifted her head.  

“Sounds like _hoofbeats,”_ Amethyst said, baffled.  “It’s coming from back over town.”  She twisted in her seat and looked back.  “Holy _smokes!”_

“What is _that?”_

Cantering through the predawn streets of Beach City was what could only be a fusion, maybe ten feet tall, her peach and amber-streaked hair flying out behind her.  

“I think that’s Pearl and Jasper!” Amethyst exclaimed, and started to laugh in delight.  “Oh my gosh, they look _bananas!”_

“Why are they that _shape?”_ Peridot demanded.

“I don’t know, but it’s _awesome!”_  The new fusion’s lower body was like some kind of big badass deer, maybe even a moose, but glistening white and with a long thin tail tufted at the end like a lion’s.  Her upper body was a wiry, muscular torso featuring four arms, all of which were outflung like she was playing she was a biplane zooming through the air, for some reason she was wearing a white dress shirt with the tails flapping and the sleeves rolled up, and she was laughing like the happiest maniac.  As they craned to watch, she pounded down Dewey Street, leaped over the boardwalk and started thundering along the beach towards the headland, spraying sand everywhere.  “Let’s get down there and meet her!” Amethyst cried.

“Oh.  Okay,” Peridot said, looking mildly peeved, and reached for the tractor ignition.

“No no, too slow.  Come on!”  Amethyst grabbed her arm and pulled her down to the ground, then ran towards the fence that edged the cliff.  

“You’re not planning to just jump down, are you?”

“Course not!  You ever been skydiving?”

“No!”

“Then just hold on tight to me!”  Amethyst bundled Peridot under one arm and jumped the fence.  She made a pretty good parachute if she said so herself, although Peridot still screamed all the way to the ground.

They landed right in front of the new fusion, who skidded to a stop in a shower of sand, panting and beaming.  “Amethyst!  Peridot!”

“Hey new girl!  What do we call you?” Amethyst yelled.

“I reject skydiving as a component of any future date,” Peridot groaned, staggering.  “Reject it utterly.”

“I’m Calcite,” said the new fusion, dropping onto her front set of knees and then folding down her back end.  “At your service and _very_ happy to be here.  I wanted to come down here and see my first sunrise!”

“We were going to watch our first sunrise _as a couple,”_ Peridot said pointedly, folding her arms.

Calcite tipped her head on one side.  “I’m… not stopping you?”

“C’mon, Per, this is a big deal.”  Amethyst slung her arm around Peridot’s shoulders.  “You’ll get it when you fuse.”

Peridot looked hurt at that, and she was just thinking _Oh crap, what do?_ when she heard Steven yelling “Oh my gosh!” from the house.  He flung himself from the deck railing — clearly he couldn't wait any more than Amethyst could — and successfully floated to a gentle landing before pelting over the sand towards them.

“Meet Calcite!” Amethyst said, waving her arms like ta-daa.  

“Oh my gosh!” he repeated, and then, “Holy _moly_ it's cold out here!”  He’d run out in his pyjamas, although at least he'd had the sense to stick his feet into his duck boots.  He hugged himself and jumped up and down.  “It's so good to meet you!  How are you?”

“I’m pretty fabulous!  Well, obviously,” Calcite added with a proud little smirk.  “This form is amazing!  I feel so energised, I want to experience everything I can!”

“And you're really happy with being a quadruped?” Peridot asked, crinkling her nose.

“What's wrong with quadrupeds?” Calcite asked, folding both sets of arms.  “I’m strong and beautiful and I get great traction.  Admittedly I’m a little hard on wooden floors, but it was all scuffed anyway.  Look, Steven!”  She scrambled back to her feet and went pronking around in an exuberant circle, showing off her long legs and twinkling hooves.  He cheered, running alongside and wallowing a bit in the loose sand.  

“Hey, did you check out your weapon yet?” Amethyst asked.  Calcite skidded to a stop, her eyes wide.  She had just the one pair, big like Pearl’s but burning gold like Jasper's, and they were outlined by tigerish streaks of orange and black.  

“No!  Didn't even think of it yet, I was having such fun just running around!  Well, here’s the grand unveiling.”  She tossed back her hair and raised her hand to her forehead.  What happened next seemed to confuse her.  There was a shimmer of light that briefly lit up the beach and a helmet formed around her head at the same moment that a spiralling blade slid out of her brow.  She tried to grasp it and pull it out and only succeeded in yanking her head forward.  She shifted her grip and tried again.  “I think I'm… stuck,” she said, lowering her hand.

“You're a _unicorn,”_ Steven said in awe.  

“You really are,” Amethyst said.  “Horn and everything.”

“But I shouldn't be,” Calcite protested.  “How can I use this?”

“Jasper never has any trouble using her head,” Amethyst said, shrugging.  

“Maybe if I get rid of the helmet the blade will come loose,” Calcite said, dismissing it.  The blade disappeared too.  “Oh, what —”  She tried repeatedly to summon one without the other and only succeeded in producing a blinking light show.  

“Uh, they're _fused_ ,” said Peridot.  “Sort of the point, wasn't it?”

“It doesn't normally go like this — at least I don't _think_ it — ugh!”  Calcite shook her head, her spiral horn slashing at the air.  

“It’s okay, Calcite,” Steven said, patting her knee.  “Remember new fusions can come out a little funny and settle down in time.  Like Garnet did.”

“Oh… yes.”

“Shouldn’t you _know_ that?” Peridot asked.  “How do you _not_ know things Pearl and Jasper know?”

“Because…”  Calcite gestured vaguely.  “Sometimes the things Jasper _doesn’t_ know cover up the things Pearl _does_ know.  And I’m new!  And what I _do_ know, now you remind me, is that a new fusion isn’t always in balance or smoothly integrated mentally, even when both Gems are fully committed to each other.  Feelings of duality, of being in dialogue with yourself, of _having_ memories you can’t _remember,_ are not uncommon during the early stages.  It’s just a matter of experience and getting comfortable.”

“Really?  I thought that was just me and Connie,” Steven said.  “Maybe because she’s human and I’m half human?”

“No, not at all.”

“Nup,” Amethyst agreed.

“Oh,” he said, scratching his head.  “I thought because of what Garnet said… you know, ‘You are not one person and you are not two people, you are an experience,’ but Stevonnie _does_ sometimes feel like one person or two people, we were doing it wrong or we _can’t_ really do it right.  I didn’t want her to know that because I thought she’d be disappointed.”

“Ehhh… I think Garnet was being a little _poetic_ there,” Amethyst said.  “I mean, if you’re not sposeta feel like one person _or_ two people, how can you feel like a person at all?  Maybe don’t take it too literally.”

“Garnet definitely wouldn’t want you to feel that you were doing something wrong becase of the _way_ you experience fusion,” Calcite said, looking worried.  One set of her hands fluttered as the other pair clenched.

“We are _going_ to miss _sunrise,”_ Peridot huffed.

“No we’re not, no we’re not.”  Amethyst grabbed her arm and hurried her away to the water’s edge.  “There, see?  We’re gonna make a great memory together.  Pay no attention to the giant unicorn chick.”

“Such a show-off,” Peridot mumbled, but she wrapped her arm around Amethyst’s waist and leant her head on her shoulder.  

“Yeah, I know.  Both of ‘em.  I’m just happy for them, you know?”

“I… I _should_ be happy for them but all I can think is that I’ll never be able to do that.”

“What’re you talking about?”

“Well, I can’t shapeshift.”

“You don’t have to.”

“Isn’t fusion _based_ on shapeshifting?”

“I don’t know.  I don’t _think_ so.  C’mon, I’m a shapeshifting fool, and I don’t think they even feel the same.  It’s a lot more like reforming after a poof.  We know you can do that.”  Amethyst gave Peridot’s shoulders a little jiggle.  “Yeah?

“Well… _yeah,_ but anyone can do _that.”_ Peridot scuffed her foot in the damp sand.  “You think so?”

“Yup.  Look, here it comes.”

A pale glow was growing on the horizon, and they drew closer to watch it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kevin the Jerk: secret Princess Diaries fan. OH NO I HUMANISED HIM.  
> I chose Calcite for Jasper and Pearl's fusion because Pearl's fusions always have an iridescent quality to them, and calcite is a bit iridescent; it can also be called alabaster. It's the most stable polymorph of calcium carbonate, and I thought a bit of stability in their fusion would be a nice omen for those two. Also the thought of an alabaster moose unicorn centaur giant woman just makes me happy.  
> The thought of Pearl in rolled-up shirtsleeves, too.


	28. Chapter 28

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is happy fluff from beginning to end. It took me an oddly long time to write.

Steven was so cold now his teeth were chattering, but he couldn’t take his eyes off Calcite.  There was what she  _ was,  _ so huge and magical and splendiferous, and what she  _ meant,  _ that Jasper and Pearl were together, that the Snow Ball had been an unbelievable success — well, it had been a successful community event enjoyed by one and all, which was great and he was super proud of it, but at the same time, Amethyst and Peridot were together, Jasper and Pearl were together, Connie had kissed him in a blizzard of balloons and confetti, True Love was three for three.  And there seemed to be at least a bit of True Like between his dad and Lapis, and that was terrific; Lapis needed more friends and he’d never been sure she thought humans were eligible for that.

And Calcite looked like a fairy tale come to life.  He couldn’t  _ wait _ for Connie to see her.  He’d have called her now except, well, given the time she probably wouldn’t have thanked him.  His own body wasn't thanking him for dragging it out here after four or five hours’ sleep.  

“You look chilly,” Calcite said, looking down at him.  “Do you want to get up on my back?  I'm not as warm as Jasper but I'm not as cool as Pearl.”

“Ooh, thanks.”  He stepped back as she knelt down again and clambered up on the shoulders of what he could only think of as the moosey part of her body.  “This feels sorta weird.  Is it okay for you?”

“It's fine.  I do feel strange, but that's because my feelings about my form are in these peculiar layers at the moment,” she said, pushing herself back up while he hung onto a handful of her shirt to stay on.  “There's all this warm light joy that I associate with Pearl, but also strangeness because she  _ used _ to be used to fusions like this but hasn't actually experienced one for millennia.”  She held out one hand for him to see, flat with its fingers fluttering lightly.  “Then, not really combined, there's all this nervous excitement that I think mostly comes from Jasper —  _ so _ nervous, almost scared, but not wanting to let go for anything.”  She laid another hand over the back of the first one, gripping it tight and trembling.  “And a huge mixture of things like love and curiosity and panic and giggles and disgust and hope and wonder all going round and round.”  She made a third hand scurry around on the back of the second like a five-legged spider.  “And here's me just sitting on top of all of that and riding it like a wave!  And it's thrilling and it's silly and it's a wonder it holds together but I just feel that it  _ will _ somehow.”  She smiled back at him over her shoulder, brilliantly.  

“I’m happy to hear about the love and giggles and stuff!  I don't understand why there’d be disgust, though.”

Calcite shrugged.  “Jasper has weird body issues.  Or issues about having a weird body.  It's not worth dwelling on.  Oh!  Here comes the sun!”

_ Like the song,  _ Steven thought, but he was pretty sure she wouldn't have heard of it.  He hugged her sturdy waist and leaned sideways to watch the sunrise from under her arm.  The edge of the sun’s disc appeared very gradually at first, as if it was shy, before getting a boost of confidence and seeming to bound up.  As it cleared the horizon there was a brief but clear green flash, and Calcite gasped.  

“What was  _ that?” _ Peridot asked.  

“Just a little something I had laid on special for my favourite green-bean,” Amethyst said. 

“You did not!  Did you?”

“Mm-hmm.”

“You did  _ not!”  _ Peridot cackled, shoving Amethyst gleefully.  Amethyst shoved back and picked her up and twirled around, their raucous laughter rattling the dawn.

“Aww!” Steven exclaimed.  He heard Calcite smother a sob and scrambled up in alarm, craning up to try to hug her round her shoulders.  “Hey, what’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” she said, “nothing at all.  It’s all so beautiful I’m just a bit overwhelmed.  Look at this world, and I’m part of it!”  She made a sound between a sniffle and a giggle, wiping her eyes.  “Rose would like this.”

“But you… didn’t know Rose, right?  Or do you feel like you do because Pearl did?”  Was that something he could get if he and Amethyst formed Smoky again?  

“No, no, I just know things  _ about  _ her.  Still, I think so.  Could you sit down or get off?  Standing there hurts.”

“Sorry, sorry.”  He scrambled down before it occurred to him he could maybe have made himself lighter and stayed there.  He should really practise that more.  As soon as he was off her back Calcite began shifting around, her hooves pawing at the sand.

“I’m so full of energy I can’t make my feet behave,” she said.  “Oh!”  She wriggled her shoulders and took off from a standing start, bounding down to the water’s edge and into the shallows, kicking up spray and whooping with laughter.  “Good morning, Earth, good morning, ocean, good morning, sky!”

“She’s  _ goofy,”  _ Peridot said.  “I somehow thought a Jasper-Pearl fusion would be… cooler?”

“Ha, I didn’t,” said Amethyst.  “Hey, Stee-man, you freezing yet?”

“Not yet,” he said, jogging up to them and rubbing his arms.  “What do you mean, you didn’t think she’d be cool?”

“Not like I wouldn’t like her, just like — do you know two bigger drama queens than Jasper and Pearl?”

“Look at meeee!” Calcite cried, soaring through the air in a shower of spray that shone like diamonds in the dawn light.

“No chill,” Amethyst said, laughing.  “Total show-off, lives to impress.”

“Aw, she looks beautiful though.”

“Yup.”

Steven sneezed.  “I’m just so happy for them both.  This’ll mean so much to them!  Jasper finally gets to do a fusion that’s all about friendship and love.  She can see what it’s  _ meant _ to be like.”

“Hrrmm,” said Peridot.  “Well, I guess at least it’ll make sure she doesn’t bother Lapis to fuse with her again.   _ That _ was disturbing.”

“Whee!” Calcite sailed by again.

“Do a flip!” Amethyst yelled.

“Are you kidding?” Calcite yelled back.

“Are you planning to stay like this full time?” Peridot asked.

Calcite skidded to a stop like a snowplough, drenching them all.  “I hadn’t even thought about that.”

“Well if you do, say buh-bye to living indoors.  I guess you could live in a barn but you can’t have mine.”

“Hmm,” said Calcite, swishing one forefoot in the water.  “I am  _ loving _ this experience but it’s true I’m not built on a convenient scale.   _ And _ they haven’t returned the truck yet.  Need to bring it down here and unload the things we’re keeping before taking it and the tables and chairs and things back to the rental place…   Well.  A little break…”  Her outline flared into white light and crumpled in on itself to leave Jasper standing knee-deep in the water holding Pearl, one hand behind her back and the other behind her knee.  They were nose to nose, both breathing a bit heavily, eyes half closed.  Steven abruptly felt embarrassed, as if he were seeing something private.  Then he sneezed again and that definitely broke the spell.

Both their heads turned and Jasper’s face went scarlet.  She set Pearl down in a hurry and wiped her hands on the seat of her pants.  Pearl staggered in the water and sat down abruptly.  She must have been in a great mood because she just started to laugh.  

“Crap!  Sorry!”  Jasper bent to try to help her and Pearl grabbed her arm and pulled her off balance.  Jasper went down with a splash and came up spitting with her hair plastered over her face.

“Aaand now they’re chasing each other and splashing and laughing,” Peridot said wearily.  “I was looking forward to  _ us _ being the nauseatingly cute couple.”

“Don’t worry, babe.  You and I can make people feel sick  _ any _ time.”

Jasper caught Pearl, slung her over her shoulder and waded back to shore where she set her down, trying hard to frown severely, a total failure when Pearl was grinning up at her joyfully and unrepentantly.  

“This suit is ruined forever,” Pearl said as if it were the best thing that had happened to her all week.  Steven sneezed again and she turned sharply.  “Steven, you will get  _ hypothermia.   _ Why are you all wet?  Go inside and get into a hot bath  _ immediately.” _

“Just wanted to say congratulations,” he said through chattering teeth.  “C-c-cool fusion!”

“Did you think so?” Jasper asked, wringing a bucketful of water out of her hair.  

“Of course he does, now  _ go-go-go,” _ Pearl said, pushing Steven away by his shoulders.

 

That left Jasper standing on the beach with Amethyst and Peridot; Amethyst shot forward and hugged her round the legs.  

“Sis!  Congratulations!  I can’t believe we both — say, do you think it  _ means _ anything we both like nerds?”

“What do you mean both?  You two didn’t fuse, did you?”  She ruffled Amethyst’s hair, which had come out of its updo anyway, and offered a conciliatory smile to Peridot, who was looking sulky.

_ “No,” _ said Peridot.  “You  _ oaf.” _

Well, Peridot was pissy about something, but that was nothing new.

“Both hooked  _ up,” _ Amethyst said, pulling back and slugging her in the hip.

“Oh, uh, I don’t know that I — um.”  Jasper laughed sheepishly.

“What, so you’re  _ not _ a couple?” Peridot asked.

“Pearl never said anything about that and I don’t wanna assume.  She said she loves me!  But we were talking about how we love a lot of different people different ways, so… look, I don’t want to question this right now, it was just so great.  I can’t believe it  _ worked. _  I can’t believe how  _ we _ work together.  How we  _ fit.”   _ She sat down on the sand, holding her feet.

“A Jasper is in love with a Pearl.  Welcome to Earth,” said Peridot, rolling her eyes.  “To be fair, you could do a lot worse.  Pearl’s quite intelligent and resourceful.  Certainly organised.”

“‘Cause that’s what people look for in a GF?” Amethyst said.

“Isn’t it why you like me?”

“Well yeah, it’s  _ one _ part.  I like lots of things about you.  You’re funny.  You make me feel important.  You have a cute booty.”  She hooked her arm around Peridot’s waist and gave her a sideways hug while Peridot blushed and made small gibberish noises.

“I feel weird overhearing this,” Jasper said.

“You’re not overhearing, I said it for you to hear too.  Attention world!  Peridot has a cute booty!”

“Oh  _ stop,” _ said Peridot, nickering.  “But also go on.  You should take notes,” she told Jasper.  “Amethyst is  _ very good _ at romantic compliments.”

“I… I think I need to find my own style,” Jasper said.  “I’m not sure I could pull that off.  You know.  It’s just so smooth.”  Amethyst blew a raspberry at her.

“But you do  _ want _ to be with Pearl, don’t you?” Peridot asked.  “So again, you could do a lot worse.  Amethyst can be your role model.”

“Oh, she already is,” Jasper said seriously.

“You’re weird,” said Amethyst.

“You know I look up to you.  Not in a literal sense, just... you showed me a lot about how to be.  You and Steven, but you came first.  You kept being kind to me when I didn’t think I deserved it and couldn’t believe you really meant it and weren’t just trying to use me.  I… wouldn’t know how to be friends with Pearl or really how to love her if you hadn’t loved me first.  I don’t mean I love you both the same way, you know what I mean, right?”

“Jeez,  _ sincere,” _ Amethyst said, looking embarrassed but smiling.  “I think I know.  I guess I was doing Pierogi a favour as well as taking care of you, then.”  She gave Jasper a chummy slap on the arm.  

“Well, how are  _ you _ going to compliment her, then?” Peridot asked.  “It better be good.”

“I told her she was pretty earlier?” Jasper said uncertainly.

“Oh, that’ll knock her socks off.”

“Dude, Pearl’s been pretty hard up for a while now, I think it’s smart to start small.  You turn her head too fast and it’s gonna fly right off.”

“What’s going to fly off?” Pearl asked, trotting up behind them.  

“Your head apparently,” said Peridot.

“Er… why?”

“Not important!” Jasper said, jumping to her feet.  “Speaking of things that  _ are  _ important, was Steven okay?”

“Yes, he’s steeping in a hot bath as we speak.”

“Head back to the school, then?”  Her face felt hot and her voice sounded too hearty to her.

“Calcite didn’t think that one through.  It would be much faster to go back in her shape than for the two of us walking — but then, I don’t think she was going to realise Steven was freezing on her own.  Shall we?” Pearl held out her hand with an inviting smile. 

“You know what?” Jasper asked, hesitating.  “The last time I fused on this beach, it was almost right here and it was, well, you saw.”  It had been warmer then and everything had been stained green by the sickly light of the ship.  Now it was cold in a raw, damp way but the world was washed soft pink by the dawn. 

“Oh my goodness,” Pearl said, clapping her hands to her mouth guiltily, “I can't believe I was so tactless.  I'm sorry, of course you wouldn't want — we can go somewhere else — or not at all, there's no reason why we can't simply walk back as we are, no reason at all.”

“No,” Jasper protested, “I didn't mean that.  I mean look!  We can — I don't know how to describe it.  Paint over it.  Change what the place means.  Those two were talking about making memories together, right?  I can have a new fusion memory for this place, I can say that's not just where something awful happened with Lapis, that's where something great happened with Pearl.  And that's more important to me.  Are… you okay?”

“Yeah, she's just gonna cry all over you,” Amethyst said, giving Pearl a nudge.  

“Not  _ all _ over,” Pearl said with a little laugh, wiping her eyes before the tears could fall.  “Imagine the volume of tears that would take!”

“Eh, I’m already pretty soaked with seawater.  Shall we?”  That seemed to be their thing to say, a habit taking shape already, and she hoped Pearl liked it as much as she did.  Pearl gave her a radiant if somewhat weepy smile and took her hand.  

It made her acutely self-conscious to try this with an audience, and as they began she had to remind herself pretty hard of how normal this was supposed to be, and that she shouldn't give a damn what Peridot thought of her.  Peridot could be just as disapproving and sarcastic as she wanted; weird that she was still like that when she'd supposedly gone all Earth anarchist but you couldn't necessarily shake off all your old training at once.  Should it be taking this long?  Would Pearl be impatient?  But Pearl was looking up at her as if things were exactly how she wanted them to be, and as they spun together everything became radiant. 

 

After Calcite had galloped off the beach seemed awfully quiet.  Amethyst stretched her arms above her head.  “Hokay, I think it's time to admit this dress is done,” she said, and shifted back to her ordinary clothes.  

“You look outstanding either way,” Peridot said, hugging her.  “But you were very glamorous.”  She paused, still sort of hanging around Amethyst’s neck.  “Do you want to go home now?”

“Do ya  _ want _ me to want to go home?”

“Well,  _ no.   _ I really wanted to drive you around some more and then we could go back to the barn and I could dedicate a new meepmorp to our love and also feed the fish.  Because Lapis doesn’t usually remember to feed the fish.  The piscine mortality at our place before I figured out their dietary needs!  But it’s okay, I made some feral cats very happy.”

“That’s something feral cats and I have in common!  Well, among lots of things.”

Peridot frowned.  “You like eating fish?”

“Dumbass, I’m being suave.  You make me happy.  Plus, you put up with the parachute ride down, so now you get a piggyback ride back up.”

“Whee!”

 

They got back to the barn by the time the sky had turned properly blue.  The barnyard was dominated by a vast, ice-glazed snow sculpture of Lapis in a pointy hat, her arms raised to the sky and hands clawed.

“That new?” Amethyst asked, tilting her head.

“Er, yeah,” said Peridot, turning off the tractor ignition and hopping down.  “Interesting.  Isn’t that Greg’s van half buried in a snowdrift?”

Inside the barn there was no sign of Lapis, but they found Greg fast asleep on the couch in the hayloft with Bitey the possum curled up in his hair.

“That’s… weird,” said Amethyst.

“I’ll say,” said Peridot.  “Bitey  _ never _ naps with  _ me. _  Faithless varmint.”

Amethyst gave Greg’s shoulder a gentle poke.  He kept sleeping peacefully so she made it less gentle.  When that failed she leaned over and pinched his nose closed.  After a few moments he woke with a gasp and Bitey fled into the rafters.

“Wst?  Amethyst?”  He blinked up at her.

“Dude, what’re you doing here?”

Greg sat up, rubbing his face and looking blearily at his crumpled suit.  “Oh, right,” he said.  “Uhh... I dropped Lapis home and we were still talking, and she wanted to show me some stuff, so I came in for a while, and then we kind of got inspired with the snow… man, I haven’t stayed up talking like that in  _ years,  _ I feel like  _ buns _ today.  Is it today?  What time is it?”

“Like nine?” Amethyst guessed.

“Too early,” he said, scratching his beard.  “Well, I got pooped after a while and Lapis said I could crash here since the van’s full of amps and things.  And it got a little buried during the whole snow sculpture shebang.  Didja see our water witch outside?”

“Yeah, she’s really something.”

Down below the barn door squeaked and Peridot flung herself down with her head hanging off the edge of the hayloft.  “Lapis!” she cried.  “Bitey was  _ sleeping on Greg! _  And Greg was sleeping on the couch.  Both are odd.  Where’d you go?”

Lapis’ wings were still shimmering around her shoulders and she had a paper bag in her hand.  “Well,” she said, “I know humans generally want to eat after they wake up in the morning.”

“Reveille,” said Peridot, nodding sagely.

“So I went and got Greg a doughnut,” Lapis said, shrugging.  She jumped up to the loft with one heavy flap to help her and folded her wings away.  “There.”

“Oh,” said Greg, surprised.  “Thanks, that’s really nice of you.”  He unfolded the top of the bag, peered in and said, “Ooh, rainbow sprinkles.”

“You’re such a good hostess,” Peridot said, and Lapis looked rather proud.

“And here’s your wallet back,” she added, tossing it into Greg’s lap.

“Oh,” he said again.  “Well, I guess you don’t carry money!”

“Well anyway!” Peridot said briskly.  “Amethyst and I were planning to use the couch.”

“Oh, sorry.  I really should get moving.”  Greg got to his feet, clutching the doughnut bag, and looked around for his shoes. Amethyst felt a _ little  _ sorry for him, but also like it was his own fault if he let himself be pushed round by Peridot.  

“You don't have to run off,” she said. 

“But it would be considerate,” Peridot said, her nose in the air.  

“I’ll go too,” Lapis said hastily. 

“You don't have to either.  Jeez, it's a big barn.”  She was starting to feel embarrassed in a special weird way, embarrassed to  _ be _ embarrassed, and fed up with herself for getting  _ tired _ just trying to act the way Peridot deserved her to act.  She was  _ Amethyst,  _ she was bold and loud and frankly a little crass, she wasn't supposed to get  _ shy _ or to have to push herself to do things she  _ wanted _ to do but was being all  _ weird  _ about.  

She wanted to be alone with Peridot but she didn't want to throw people out to do it and it wasn't just because it was cold outside and Greg looked all hobo and pathetic.  It was because they'd  _ assume  _ they were being thrown out so she and Peridot could canoodle and even if they were right that was so embarrassing she wanted to curl into a bowling ball and roll away.  And Peridot was looking at her all cute and eager and expectant.   _ She _ wasn't shy.   

“Nah, I do want to get going,” Greg said.  “I’m supposed to have lunch at Barb’s place and I could stand to get cleaned up before that.  Thanks a lot, Lapis, I’ll get back to you with that demo tape.  I, uh, yeah!   I’ll get a move on.”

He stuck the folded top of the bag in his mouth and clambered down the ladder from the loft.  

“Your shoes are here,” Lapis called down to him.  “Do you want them back?”

“Oh, yeah, that'd be — that'd be good.”

She pushed them along the floor with her toe until they fell off the edge of the loft and he could pick them up. 

“Look at you, fraternising with the natives,” said Peridot, giving Lapis a sly little nudge.  

“It's hardly fraternising.  Greg is just being nice.  That's what he's like,” Lapis said, shrugging one shoulder.  “He kept me company all night, and there was nothing in it for him.”

“Yes there was,” Greg protested from below.  “I was having a good time.  No one was twisting my arm.  Oh.  Hey, could ya come out with me and help me unbury the van a little?”

“Hmm, all right.  Look out below.”  Lapis jumped down to join him and they left the barn together.  

“This is going to be great,” Peridot exclaimed.  “We’ll make a little blanket nest on the couch, we’ll watch our favourite shows — do you want to kick off with CPH or LB?  I’ve been  _ pining _ , ahaha, for a season two rewatch.  And I can hold your hand, right?”

“Of course you can,” Amethyst said, surprised and a little relieved that what Peridot wanted was going to be so easy and relaxing.  She wouldn't really need to be “on” at all. 

“I know it may sound a little corny but I'm so excited for that!  I’ll find a blanket, you pick the show.”

They were curled up cosily and making a start on the  _ Li’l Butler _ season three Hawai’ian vacation two-parter when they heard the van’s engine cough into life and drive away, shortly followed by Lapis slipping back into the barn.  

“I’m just going to grab some books and I’ll be out of your way,” she called.

“You, uh, don’t have to,” Amethyst said, thumbing the pause button on the remote.  “If you wanna stay home.  I feel bad about always kicking you out.”

“You’ve never kicked her out,” Peridot pointed out, “she  _ goes  _ out to be considerate because you’re not comfortable with her.”

“I know.  Look.  I wanna  _ try _ to get comfortable.  It can only get weirder if we don’t.”  She heard Peridot breathe in quickly and felt her squeeze her hand.

Lapis’ head appeared above the edge of the loft; she was on the ladder.  She looked doubtful but hopeful too.  “Would you… want to hang out together again?”

“Maybe?”   _ Not yet, damn.   _ “Maybe today just… you know, you can be home while I’m over, it’s not a big deal.  I… appreciate you respecting how I felt about it.”  That sounded weirdly grown-up and fake.  “The way you just did it and didn’t try to change my mind helped a lot.”

“Oh.  Right.”  Lapis looked away for a moment, but then her face cleared.  “I’m glad you feel that way.  I’ll just be down here.”  She descended the ladder again and Amethyst pressed play, feeling like she’d had a reprieve.  The special ukulele version of the  _ Li’l Butler  _ theme rang out, and she felt Peridot hug her arm.

“I’m really glad you said that,” Peridot whispered loudly, and kissed her on the cheek.

“Yeah, well.  Awkward as hell if I can’t be in the same room as my girlfriend’s roommate.  And Jasper’s doing great and Lapis hasn’t done anything to foul that up.  Things are going pretty good.  Shh, I love this ep.”

 

Jasper was light-headed now with tiredness and happiness; she wanted to curl up and sleep for about a week but she also wanted that to be with her head on Pearl’s lap and had no idea how to ask for that.  It might not even be practical; Pearl was so small and dainty and she had so much hair it might smother her.   _ Hey Pearl, if I put my hair in a tight French braid to contain it, could I put my head on your lap?  No, that sounds ridiculous. _

She wasn’t sure she was going to be able to sustain it, but she’d wanted so much to ride in the cab of the truck  _ with _ Pearl instead of bumping along in the back that after they’d defused in the school parking lot she’d shrunk herself down the way she’d done to get into the Maheswarans’ car.  It made Pearl look askance, or what she thought was probably askance.

“I just — I wanted us to stick together, I — after being so close to you just now I, um…”  

“Oh no, I want that too!” Pearl said quickly, taking her hand again.  “I was only surprised you  _ did _ it.  For you to deliberately make yourself look smaller — that’s quite something.”

“Oh, this is nothing.  You should see me when I copy Amethyst.”

“I’m not sure my mind could take it,” Pearl said, laughing.  “Hop up and don’t forget your seatbelt.”

Riding in the cab of a truck felt distinctly different from the back of a car; it was definitely a rougher ride, they were up higher, she could see more, but most importantly Pearl was here and she couldn’t take her eyes off her and Pearl was probably glancing at her more than she should if she were watching the road properly.  In an effort not to be so distracting she tried watching Pearl’s hands instead of her face and became mildly obsessed by the way the slender muscles of her right forearm moved as she changed gears.

Pearl caught her looking and asked, “Do you want to try?”

“Try what?” she asked, startled.

“Operating the gearstick.  It’s not hard, and we certainly can synchronise.  Watch carefully and the next time I need to shift gears you can put your hand on mine and follow along.”

As they took a very circuitous route from the school down towards the beach, Jasper became increasingly sure that this was another Pearl Flirt; they progressed from her putting her hand over Pearl’s, to her holding the gearstick with Pearl’s hand over hers to guide her, to her operating the gearstick with something approaching competence while Pearl absent-mindedly stroked her wrist.  She’d stalled the truck several times before they got to that stage, and got some truly terrible sounds out of the gearbox.

“Am I breaking it?” she’d asked.

“No-no-no,” Pearl said soothingly, and then, perhaps more honestly, “If you do I can repair it.”

They parked by the Big Donut, on the basis that it probably wasn’t a good idea to take a fairly heavily loaded rented truck onto damp sand, and lugged the bundles of drapery and boxes of assorted trinketry back to the house before returning to drive the truck back to the rental place.  It was still so early that no one was there yet, and Pearl just parked the truck, made sure it was locked and pushed the keys in through a mail slot in the office door.

“There,” she said, dusting off her hands.  She stood in an oil-spotted, potholed parking lot in a crumpled tux whose pants were still damp, the cuffs speckled with salt and sand, turned her face to the winter sun, closed her eyes and stretched out her arms, looking as if she were breathing in the morning.  Pearl turned in a slow circle, stretching luxuriantly, until she came round to face Jasper, back to her full height, and dropped her arms and opened her eyes, looking up at her with a bright smile.  “I think this has been a  _ very _ successful project,” she said, and tucked her hand into the crook of Jasper’s arm.  “Shall we go home?”


	29. Chapter 29

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Incredibly, this story is flickering back into life. Nothing that's going on in this chapter is going to go as smoothly as anyone involved may expect.

Steven was curled up in bed, fast asleep, when Jasper peeked over the edge of his loft.  He must have gone there straight after his bath; there was a damp towel puddled on the floor by the bed and his hair still looked damp too.  His phone was on the pillow by his cheek emitting a soft hiss of white noise.  He probably wouldn't miss that if he was already sleeping.  

“I’m just borrowing this, okay?  I’ll bring it back soon,” Jasper whispered, more for her own benefit than his.  Honour was satisfied, more or less.  She quietly took the phone from the pillow and crept back down the stairs to sit cross-legged on the floor.  Using Steven's phone was always fiddly because the touch screen was definitely designed for people with smaller fingers than hers; she had the same problem with the keys and trackpad on his computer.  She generally gave up and used the eraser end of a pencil, although you had to handle those carefully too; wood was flimsy stuff.  

Tapping carefully with a pencil from the cup on the kitchen counter, she turned off the noise app and found the keypad, then looked at the inside of her forearm. 

Oh.  It was blank, just her own orange skin, innocent of phone numbers.  That made sense really; who knew what happened to things like ink on your skin when you fused and unfused?  She didn't even know why Calcite had been wearing a shirt like Pearl’s and where it had come from, given Pearl's shirt was an actual material shirt made of actual, well,  _ material _ and clearly too small for someone Calcite’s size, not to mention it had only one pair of sleeves.  And where had Pearl's suit  _ been  _ while they were fused?  Suspended in the energy field of Calcite’s form, tucked away in a dimensional pocket like the one in Pearl's head, somewhere else completely?  

Jasper couldn't remember if the number had been written on Calcite's arm too, she hadn't been paying the slightest attention to that, and she guessed that even if it had it could have been washed off by seawater or just rubbed off somehow.  So where did that leave her?  Just never calling Sheena either?  She was just starting to feel really fed up with the unfairness of a situation that made  _ her _ look rude and thoughtless when she was trying her best, when she remembered Amethyst had said something once about Pearl keeping the number in the fridge.  Or was it on the fridge?

She sidled into the kitchen for a look, hoping she wasn't just going to accidentally sweep everything off the counter with her ass the way she had the other day.  There was nothing on  _ top _ of the fridge except a dead moth, so she put that in the garbage and looked at the fridge door.  Pizza loyalty card, chore wheel with Pearl’s name replacing all the others and her own pencilled in alongside, flyer for some play Steven’s friend Jamie was in, shopping list, little magnetic poem words that Amethyst always managed to arrange in creatively filthy ways — and there, peeping out from behind  _ Anything Goes,  _ stuck under a plastic flower magnet and curling slightly, a slip of paper with a jagged S and a row of digits after it.  She tapped the number in with the pencil eraser and sidled back out of the kitchen before touching the little green call button; she didn’t want to be confined while talking on the phone.  

The phone rang; she sat down on the floor with her knees out and her feet pressed sole to sole, drumming on one knee with the pencil.  It seemed to be ringing for a while, and she started to wonder if she’d got the number wrong or if it had somehow changed since Sheena gave it to Pearl; she didn’t actually know it was the same because she couldn’t remember the one written on her arm.  Then there was a click and a drowsy voice murmured “Whizit?”

“Jasper,” she said, then, “Uh, it’s Jasper.  Speaking.  Here.”  She cleared her throat.  “Hi.”

_ “Jasper?” _ repeated Sheena.  She sounded sleepy and confused and Jasper was suddenly sure she didn’t remember who she was.  That was idiotic, if she was anything she was memorable.  “What time is it?” Sheena asked.

“It’s uh, it’s ten… twenty.  In the morning.”

“Oh my god.”

“Are you okay?”

“I was asleep.”  A soft deep yawn and some rustling.  “Guess I had to wake up sooner or later.  So  _ you _ call back.”

“Well, the thing about me is I’m not worried about looking desperate.  No, I mean — I’m not desperate.  I just wanted you to know I — yeah.”

Sheena laughed, a warm lazy chuckle.  “So how’d your night turn out?”

“Unbelievably great!  I mean, it turned out great for  _ everyone.   _ My little sister finally kissed the person she’s apparently had a crush on for  _ months _ and never told me, so I’m going to have to kick her ass for being so secretive when she finally gets home.  But I’m really happy for her, she deserves this.  Well, I don’t know if she deserves  _ this _ person, I used to work with her and once she sta — I’m getting off track.  The important thing is Amethyst really likes her.  How about you, did you get home okay?”

“Yeah, we did.  It was so weird, Kevin is normally… well, you saw.  But I think he puked out his evil or something?  And forgot he’s too cool for me and everyone else in the world?  And we sang in the taxi home, which was probably swell for the driver, and when we got here he wanted to watch  _ The Princess Diaries _ of all things.  So we did, and he fell asleep and drooled on me before it was more than half done, and I put him to bed on the couch.  Probably by the time he wakes up his evil gland will have filled up again, but I actually enjoyed hanging out with my brother again.”

“That’s — that sounds really good.  I’m sorry to hear about his evil gland.  Fortunately I don’t think my brother’s got one of those.”

“How old is he?”

“Fourteen.”

“Kevin’s grew when he was fifteen, you’re not safe yet.”

“Sheena… are we talking about a literal biological gland?”

“Oh god no.  Their literal biological glands are bad enough without an actual evil one.”  

“I didn’t think so, but I figured I should check.”

“So why was  _ your _ night unbelievably great?  Share.”

“Well… Pearl.  You were right, I was so dumb.  I’m in love with her.  I love her so, so much.  I know it must sound ridiculous that I’ve changed my tune like this but… I don’t know what we are now but we’re something new.  We, um, we did something, there isn’t any human equivalent of it but…”

“Is this like a sex thing?” Sheena asked.

Jasper looked around the room guiltily in case anyone had heard that through her hair.  “No, jeez, I haven’t even kissed her yet.  Don’t  _ say _ things like that.  If I had a heart it’d have an attack.”

“You don’t have a heart?  Even a thing that works  _ like _ a heart?”

“I guess you could say in a really metaphorical way that my gemstone is the heart of me, but… it’s also my nose.”

“Wow.”  Sheena was quiet for a moment.  “You know what  _ The Princess Diaries _ is about?”

“Is it not what it says in the title?”

“It’s about a girl who thinks she’s just normal and ordinary until one day her long-lost royal grandmother shows up,  _ and is played by Julie Andrews, _ and it turns out she’s the princess of a little European country and she has to learn how to  _ be _ a princess so she can rule.”

“Uh-huh,” Jasper said, not quite sure of what Sheena was getting at or the significance of Julie Andrews.

“Well, when I was growing up I loved stories like that so much, and I guess I always believed a little bit that, you know, maybe I wasn’t going to find out I was a princess but something was going to come along one day that changed everything.  That life wasn’t going to be  _ ordinary  _ after all.  And the past few years, it’s just seemed more and more like that was only a kid’s dream and I was just going to have to get  _ used _ to life being really freaking ordinary no matter what I tried to do, no matter how hard I tried to get something better going.  And then I met Pearl, and now you… and it feels like this is it,  _ this _ is when life stops being ordinary and something amazing begins.”

“Huh,” said Jasper.

“Do  _ I _ sound desperate?”  There was that chuckle in her voice again; Jasper was starting to really like that.

“No, you sound like someone else I know.  My little brother’s friend Connie, she told me once that was how she felt about meeting him.  Before that she just read books about magic and adventure — and they’re good books, she’s lent me a lot of them, but…”  She hesitated a bit.  “I don’t want to put you off, because I really want to know you better, but Connie also said that real adventure is even scarier than she thought.  You don’t have to do anything dangerous!  Connie volunteered.  Just… if you’re around us, sometimes… things… happen.”

“You do realise you just made yourself sound at least ten times more mysterious and exciting,” Sheena said.

“I like you and I don’t want anything bad to happen to you.  You’re so vulnerable compared with us.  Have you had any combat training?”

“I’ve… taken self-defence classes.  I can pretty much handle a creep trying to grab me.  Not just practising in class, there have been mosh pit incidents.”

“Well, that’s a start.  It’s a  _ good _ start if you’ve actually used it.  Training without real experience only goes so far.”  She fell silent a moment.

“Something wrong?” Sheena asked.

“My life is really different than it used to be.  Not long ago I would have despised you for not being able to fight like I can.  I would have said if you couldn’t defend yourself you deserved to die.”

“Yikes.  Harsh much?”

“I know, I can hear it.  But now I want to protect you.”

“Aw, you already did.  Remember?  The hurl?”

“Well, from real danger, not just flying stomach contents.”

“What’s the real danger you’re talking about?  Are we talking alien invaders?  Government conspiracies?  Vampires?  I could do vampires.”  Jasper could hear in her voice that it was a joke to her; not a mocking joke but still a funny idea rather than a practical reality.

“Giant monsters.”  Except they  _ were _ alien invaders too, and so was she, but that seemed like a real mouthful to explain at this stage.

“I know how weird it is to ask this, because I’ve  _ met _ you, I’ve  _ seen _ you and I know you’re not human so obviously we’re already through the looking glass, but I have to check.  You’re not putting me on, are you?  Like you  _ are _ a bodacious alien warrior woman who for some reason lives in a small resort town in Delmarva but you’re making it up about the monsters to see how gullible I am, or to impress me?”

“I’m not making it up.  I didn’t really mean to tell you, but you started talking about adventure and I kind of got sidetracked.”

“That’s true.  You wanted to tell me about Pearl and I made it about me.  But giant monsters?  I’d be kinda deficient if I wasn’t curious.  Like,  _ impending, imminent _ giant monsters?”

“Not where you live, it’s okay.  They’re attracted to Beach City because we’re here but other than that they keep away from human-populated areas.  They lurk around in the wilderness, deserts, forests, mountains…”

“So a duplex in a semi-rural suburb is probably safe.  I knew this was a good location.  I’m right opposite the Wawa and everything.”

“Can you hold on a moment?”  Jasper had just heard the temple door open.  She held the phone to her chest and twisted to look; it might only be Garnet.  It was Pearl, back in her usual clothes and carrying the bedraggled suit over her arm.

“I  _ think _ if we hand-wash this very gently in the tub with cool water we may be able to revive it,” Pearl said.

“Sheena’s on the phone,” Jasper said, cutting her off.  “Do you want to talk to her?”

Pearl blinked.  “Well, I —”

“It’s okay if you don’t but just choose.”

Pearl blinked twice more and then walked over and held out her hand.  Jasper put the phone into it and sat back, holding her feet to keep from fidgeting.  Pearl raised the phone to her ear, holding it rather awkwardly with her elbow out.  “Hello,” she said, “Pearl speaking.”  Jasper heard a faint chatter from the phone but nothing she could understand.  Pearl smiled, though.  “Well, she sprung you on me, just suddenly offered the opportunity to talk to you and I thought yes, yes I will.”  She paused, listening.  “I’m so sorry.  I can offer you excuses, life really has been very hectic, but the truth of the matter is I lost my nerve  _ again.”   _

Another pause.  “The monsters are  _ tremendously _ hectic!  I’m so glad you understand — well, you don’t fully  _ understand,  _ obviously, but at least you have some  _ idea. _  And I’m sorry I missed you last night.  I did try to find you after Jasper said you were there, but it wasn’t to be.”  She listened again and glanced at Jasper.  “She is  _ very _ sweet.  And she’s blushing now because I said that, which just goes to show she needs to hear it more often and get used to it.  No, I — hmm.”  Listening, her eyebrows drawn together a little.  “Well, that isn’t  _ exactly _ what I meant when I said we’re unconventional, but yes.  Yes, there’s no reason why not.  As long as that’s satisfactory for  _ you.   _ Well really, what a relief.  That’s very enlightened of you!”  Listening again, she bit her lip, coloured slightly, bobbed up on her toes and came down with a laugh.

_ I want to know what she said so  _ I _ can make her go like that,  _ Jasper thought.

“I’m afraid I still don’t have a number to give you.  Well, I suppose I might.  That is, I could.  I just never  _ have. _  I suppose telephones aren’t the flash in the pan I thought they might be.  I’d need to make some enquiries.  Mmhmm.  Oh… well, can I get back to you about that?  Just once I’ve had a look at the shape of the week to come.  I — I  _ would  _ like to, I just don't know yet what day would be best.  Yes.”  She glanced sideways at Jasper.  “I’m sure she will, you’ve seen how she is when she's determined.  Well… I’ll give you back to her for now, because she's looking a little squirmy.  Bye-bye.”  She pushed the phone back at Jasper, looking exhilarated but also eager to get it off her hands.  

“What?  What’d she say?  Sure I’ll what?” Jasper hissed.  

“Ask her yourself,” Pearl said and vanished into the bathroom.  

Jasper put the phone to her ear.  “You still there?” 

“Yep.  You still squirmy?”

“I’m not squirmy, she's being weird.  Did you two make some kind of plan?”

“Nothing firm, I just asked her to meet me for a drink after work sometime this week.  Next week?  Sundays are ambiguous.”

“And what’d she say she's sure I’ll do?”

“Hold her to it.  Not let her lose her nerve again.”

“Oh!  Right, you can count on me for that.”

“So… you're definitely in love with Pearl, and at the same time you're actively encouraging her to date someone else.  But not giving up on dating her yourself.  And not seeing me as competition.  That's the situation?”

“That's pretty normal to us.”

“Oh okay, poly aliens, I can roll with that.”

“Poly?”

“Polyamory?  Having multiple romantic partners?”

“Never heard of it.”

“Ooookay…”

“Never heard of that name for it, I mean.  Like I said, to us that's just normal.  Not everyone does but no one is surprised if you do.”

“Well, I’ve never actually  _ tried _ it but I’m game.  It's an adventure, right?”

“I guess it is if you look at it that way.”

“Well, according to Pearl it is the enlightened way.”  Sheena sounded amused.  “I love her confidence.  Although isn't it funny how someone with that kind of confidence would just lose her nerve about calling me?”

“Pearl’s an overthinker.  If something’s right there in front of her and she commits to acting  _ now _ it's boom-boom-boom.  She just had too much time to think about this.”

“I would be interested to see her go boom-boom-boom.”

“I have and it is  _ awesome,”  _ Jasper said with conviction.

“You should tell me about it.”

“Okay, well —”

“No, you should tell me about it when we go out.  Are you any easier to pin down than Pearl?  What are you doing Friday night?”

“I… don’t know yet.  Are you sure you — I mean, you just saw me.”   _ That sounds stupid, I’m the one who called  _ her _ like I couldn’t wait. _  “Can you forget I said that?”

“I heard you say you don’t know yet, that’s all.”

“Thanks.  It’s… a really long time since I had an invitation like that.  I’d like to see you.”

“Neat.  Do you know the Low Bar?”

“I don’t know anywhere.  No, that’s not true, I know the high school gym, the party store, the craft store, the hire depot, the supermarket, the public library, the car wash and the doughnut shop on the boardwalk.”

“Doughnuts works for me.”

“Oh, and the mall.”

“I’m not meeting you at the mall, we’re not fourteen.  How about six o’clock Friday?”

“Uh.  Yes!  Sure.”

“Then I will see you then.”  Sheena’s voice rose and tensed as if she were stretching.  “Oof.  I think I want breakfast.  You did that talking about doughnuts.  See you soon.”

“See you soon.”

“Bye.”  The phone clicked off, though Jasper sat still a few moments more listening to the quiet.  She could hear water swishing and Pearl humming faintly from the bathroom.  

She carefully replaced the phone on Steven’s pillow and made her way to the bathroom, always a bit of a tight fit.  Pearl was kneeling by the tub very gently stirring the suit in sudsy water.  

“I hope I’m not ruining it  _ more,” _ she said, looking over her shoulder with a brief smile.  

“It’s not like you can double-ruin it,” Jasper said, sitting down beside her, leaning her back against the side of the bath.  She glanced sideways at Pearl, uncertain.

“I have no idea what I’m doing,” Pearl murmured.

“You’re usually good at figuring out how to clean things.”

“I mean with Sheena.  My goodness!  Now I’ve taken the plunge I feel all strange and shivery.  Feel — goosebumps.”  She took Jasper's hand and placed it on her own arm.  

“Aw, you’ll be okay,” Jasper said, and attempted a gentle rub of the arm.  

“I just can't believe I’m going to try to go out with a human.  What am I thinking?”

“That you kind of like her and you want to see how much?” Jasper said tentatively. 

“What is  _ she _ thinking!?”

“Oh, that's easy, that you're fascinating and mysterious.”

“Really?”  Pearl’s face brightened.

“Of course really.”

“I’m so worried that I'm doing all this based on a superficial attraction.  What am I going to do if we bore each other?  How can we possibly relate to each other with such a  _ gulf _ between our experiences?  What do I do if I  _ love _ her and fifty years from now she's gone just like that?”

“That was kind of a whiplash,” Jasper pointed out.

“Well, I can't help considering all the angles.  What about you?  How do you feel about all of this?”  She picked up one leg of the pants and examined the hem to see if it was clean yet.

“Sort of baffled and happy and weird.  I still don't understand why she's still interested, it's as if the more I tell her that should make her bolt the more curious she gets.  But…”  She took her nerve in both hands and said, “If it doesn't work out with her you’ll still have me.”  

Pearl was looking intently into the bath, but Jasper could see her cheeks flushing a little.  “And you’ll still have me,” she said quietly.  “Whatever happens with her.  Even if I  _ do _ love her and have to prepare for inevitable bereavement.”

“You may want to settle on a day for your first date before you plan the funeral.  It, um, it can't be this Friday, though, unless you go together with me.  I made a plan with her for then.”

“Oh!  To do what?”

“Eat doughnuts, I guess.”

“Oh,” said Pearl.  “You know, the doughnut shop was the first place  _ I _ saw her.”

“I’ll ask her to meet me somewhere else if you’d like it to be  _ your _ place.”

_ “But _ it’s not really where I managed to make a good impression on her, so  _ perhaps _ I will leave it to you,” Pearl said with a light laugh.

“Well, the first impression  _ I _ made on her was that I don’t understand how juice works, and the second was that I was bullying her brother, so I guess the moral is first impressions don’t matter all  _ that _ much.  Although a  _ really _ bad first impression might take a lot of time and trying to repair.  Ha, like my first impression on  _ you.” _

“My first impression of  _ you _ was that you were equal parts absolutely terrifying and absolutely beautiful.  You only had to repair half of that.”  Pearl slid one of those sly little sideways glances over at her from under her lashes.  

“You are really dangerous with the little stealth compliments,” Jasper said, flustered.  

“Oh, as if you’re not used to people calling you beautiful,” Pearl said with a gentle scoff, if a scoff could be gentle.

“Not people whose opinion matters this much to me.”   _ I really want to kiss her.  Would it be okay to kiss her?  Who wants to be kissed over a bathtub full of laundry?  Pearl  _ likes _ laundry though.  I’ll… I’ll wait.   _ “Thank you,” she mumbled.  

 

The new year came in cold and sharp and clear and veiled the world over with a crystal frost.  Amethyst started spending an increasing amount of time up at the barn again, and Steven started to wonder if it was fair to ask her to help him with the Bismuth plan.  Jasper was around the house most of the time anyway and didn’t want to go out on sleepovers.  He’d wondered if she’d move to Pearl’s room with her, maybe part of the time anyway, but she seemed happy to stick to Amethyst’s room as her base.  He’d been kind of curious about how two Gems who were in love with each other and  _ weren’t _ living as a full-time fusion would  _ be _ together, once they  _ were _ together for real, and now he had the chance to see it in his own home.  

For Jasper and Pearl, most of the time, the answer seemed to be that they still just behaved like friends with occasional outbreaks of skittish flirty behaviour, which honestly was so similar to how his situation with Connie was going that he found it fairly reassuring.  He was just sort of learning how to  _ be _ someone’s boyfriend, he supposed, and it was a relief that at least for him and Connie, at least for now, it didn’t seem to need to be that different from being her friend.  They held hands a lot, sometimes they would kiss a little bit, and other than that they were both happy to keep going as normal.

“Is that what it’s like for you?” he asked Jasper during a blustery walk on the beach, watching the wind whip streamers of foam off the tips of waves.  

“Not exactly,” Jasper said, pushing her hair back from her face; the wind was whipping it around even more fiercely than the waves.  “I’m happy for you it’s going so well.  I’m still really nervous with Pearl in some ways.  I haven’t kissed her yet and I’m starting to worry I’ll get past the point where it would be normal to do it.”

“I bet Pearl will kiss you when  _ she _ wants to,” Steven pointed out.  He paused, digging his hands in his jacket pockets, wondering how to ask about this.  “Do you really like Mystery — I mean, Sheena as much as you like Pearl?”  That had been bothering him ever since he found out they were apparently both going to go out with her.  Pearl was supposed to go and meet Sheena at a café tonight and Jasper was seeing her at the Big Donut tomorrow.  

“Oh no,” Jasper said at once, “that’s not the point.”

“So what  _ is _ the point?”

“Well, you know, it’s a Gem thing,” she said vaguely.

“I’m a Gem!” he protested.

“Sorry, of course you are.”

“Don’t  _ you _ start not telling me about Gem things!”

“No, I promise.  Hold on.”  She turned her face into the wind, squinting, so it would blow her hair out of her face and gathered it into a knot at the back of her head.  “That’s better.  I’m bad at explaining this because I’m just…  _ bad _ at it.  I never seriously liked anyone before Pearl.”

“But now you  _ seriously like _ Sheena too?  And Pearl does too?”

“I don’t like her so  _ seriously. _  I do really  _ like _ her, she just seems more like… someone it’ll be fun to know, and someone who’ll be good for Pearl.  I want to help Pearl have whatever she wants.”

“I don't see how she's good for Pearl at all,” Steven admitted.  “I don't know anything bad about her, I just don't see how it can be good to go after someone just because she reminds her of my mom.  She's not a replacement.”

“And I’d agree  _ if _ I thought Sheena was anything like your mother.  Which I don't, I mean,  _ I _ like her.”

“You might’ve liked Mom if you'd met her under different circumstances,” Steven pointed out.  

“Yeah, I dare say, but we're never gonna know, are we?”  Jasper gave him a mildly challenging look, not as fierce as it would once have been but still not kidding around.   “What I’m expecting is that Pearl will get to know her a bit and see what she's like, and then if she's looking for another Rose she’ll back out, or if she's not she’ll either decide she likes Sheena enough to see her again or she doesn't.”  She shrugged her big shoulders.  “There's plenty to like, she's funny and kind and nothing seems to be too weird for her.  If this isn't too strange of a thing to say, maybe she's a lot like Greg was when he met Rose.  Wouldn't that make sense?”

“Nooooooo,” Steven moaned.  “None of this makes sense.  I just want you and Pearl to love each other.”

“We do.”  Jasper frowned down at him.  “Whatever happens with anyone else, we’ve talked about that.”

“That you love each other no matter what?” he asked, brightening up.  

“Well, uh, not in those exact words.  I get embarrassed!  I get shy!  I might not look like it but I can be a sensitive wuss like anyone else!”  Jasper exhaled gustily, puffing out her cheeks.  “I haven't said I’m in love with her and she hasn't said she's in love with me and I'm not going to push my luck.  I want to just let things… mature a bit.”

“Hey,” Steven said, taking hold of her thumb, “I think you're doing a great job!  Figuring out how to be a girlfriend or a boyfriend  _ clearly  _ isn't just simple.”

Jasper snorted but then she scooped him up under her arm and scruffled up his hair.  “You want a turn being tall?”

“Yes please,” he said, scrambling up her arm and onto her shoulders.  It always felt nice to rest his chin on top of Jasper's head and when he burrowed his arms into her hair, loosened by the wind, it made a kind of rustling blanket.  Her hair was as thick as Lion’s mane but softer, and the only things you might find hidden in it were lost hair elastics.  That reminded him.  “Say, Jasper?”

“Yeah?”

“Could you try and help me with the Bismuth plan, maybe tonight?”

“But Amethyst’s staying with Peridot,” Jasper said, sounding surprised.  

“I know, and it's not a secret from her or anything. I just want to see if you and me can go into a dream together the way we used to to visit you.  We’ll tell her all about it when she comes home tomorrow.”

“Oh, okay.  Hah, she's another one that should get a phone.  We hardly see her some days.”

“I think that really would be a good idea.  And fun!  I'm gonna ask Dad if he could get you phones.  Like a new year gift.”

“Can mine be pink?”

“If it's not pink I bet we can get you a pink case.”

“Then I would graciously accept.”  Jasper trudged on a few paces through the damp sand.  “But we know we can go into a dream together, don’t we?”

“I know I could visit you in your dream Kindergarten, but not if you can leave there and go into sleeping people’s dreams or poofed Gems’ bubbles.  Have you been back there since you reformed?”

“I go there a lot,” she said, surprising him a little.  “It’s… not like a home, because home is with you and Amethyst and Pearl, but I feel peaceful there now.  Not trapped.”

“Well, we could start out going there.  Did I tell you how it reminded me of the Place Between in this book I was reading?”

_ “Christopher Chant?  _  Connie lent me that one after you gave it back.  My favourite part was the cat Throgmorten.  Oh, and the Dright reminded me of Yellow Diamond.”

“I guess she  _ is _ a little like a glacier,” Steven said thoughtfully.  A lock of Jasper’s hair blew into his mouth and he spat it out.

“Try exactly like,” Jasper snorted.  “So you think we could use it like a Place Between on the way to Almost Anywhere?  Like the bubbles could be Anywheres?”

“Exactly!” Steven said, pleased she was catching on.  “I had sort of a scary dream about that once, but I think it’s an idea we could use.”

“It’s worth a try, but we’re not going straight into a bubble tonight, are we?”

“No, I just want to see if we can visualise them.  Get a feel for where they are, then come back.”

“Right.  It’s worth trying, and it’ll take my mind off wondering how Pearl’s date is going.”

 

Jasper woke in the morning curled on the living room floor with her head on Lion’s flank.  The dreaming trial run had seemed pretty successful; once they had both got to sleep and made their way to the dream Beta she and Steven had had a kind of shared vision of many, many more caves in the walls of the canyon than were really there, and in each one hovered a bubble holding a sleeping Gem.  They hadn’t disturbed any, but had scouted carefully until they found the one Steven recognised as Bismuth.  Together they’d tried to mark the spot with a painted star, although since it was only sort of overlapping her dream Kindergarten rather than actually being part of it Jasper wasn’t sure the mark would stay.  Then Steven had hugged her and drifted away to his own dreams, and she’d drifted into another of her own, a troubled one in which she searched everywhere for Ocean Jasper but could never quite track her down.  

She becamre aware that there was a warm light pressure against her belly.  Just as she was curled against Lion, she realised, Pearl was sitting back leaning against her.  Jasper opened one eye to make sure it was her and felt a smile grow.  “Good morning,” she said.

Pearl looked up from her book and answered her smile.  “Good morning.”

“Did you stay out all night?”

“No, but I was surprised when I got home at how early you went to sleep.  And curled up on the floor, too!  I got you a blanket.”

“Thank you.”  Jasper yawned, and Lion got offended about her moving her head and went off in a huff so she hit the floor with a bump.  She propped herself up on her elbow instead.  “How did it go?”

“Well, it was difficult at first,” Pearl said.  “I tried to drink some coffee, since it  _ was _ a café, but it was just horrible.”

“Ugh, I know.  You should ask for hot chocolate next time.”

“But Sheena loves it.  She was  _ getting _ coffee the first time I saw her.  So I tried to hide how repulsive I found it and she asked me about myself and I tried to explain in terms I thought she’d understand.  She seemed interested at first but when I was telling her about Rose her attention seemed to wander and I thought perhaps I was monopolising the discourse so I asked her about  _ her _ life.  I  _ know _ how short humans’ lives are but it’s so striking when they give you a summary, isn’t it?  But  _ then _ things got a lot better because she suggested we go for a ride on her motorcycle and  _ that _ was wonderful.”  Pearl folded her book closed around her forefinger and warmed to her subject.  “We rode up through the hills where there were quite beautiful views of the moonlit sea, and  _ then _ the motorcycle broke down!”

“And that was good?” Jasper asked, amused by how happily she said it.  

“Well, Sheena was rather embarrassed because, she said, she knows how to do her own basic maintenance but not much about how to repair anything that goes wrong, so  _ I _ said, ‘Perhaps I may be of service,’ and I was able to fix it!  A wire had worked itself loose.  She was most impressed and appreciative and we had a good long chat all about engines and vehicles and so on and next weekend I’m going to go and give her motorcycle a really thorough going over and see if I can make any improvements.  Then she brought me home and kissed me good night.  I think it was very successful!”

“So you had a good time?”

“I would say I had a  _ mixed _ time that was at some points very uncomfortable but I enjoyed enough of it to want to do it again,” Pearl said thoughtfully.  “She said she’s looking forward to seeing you tomorrow.”

“Oh?  Good.”  Jasper rolled up to more of a sitting position and stretched her arms over her head with a grunt.  “Any ideas for today?”

“I thought it might be nice to be Calcite for a little while.  Garnet says she’ll spar with us and if Amethyst ever puts in an appearance we could even try going a few rounds with Sugilite.  What do you think?”

“I think between the two of us we could give Garnet something to think about.”


	30. Chapter 30

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is really only a chapterlet; I'm not finding it easy to write at the moment so progress is slow, but I do want to keep going with this story. Sorry it's not as long as usual but I'm trying to get it moving again.   
> Guest starring Sugilite, and I didn't even pay Nicki Minaj.

The dry heat of the desert was a big change from the sharp chill that still prevailed in Beach City; the sky stretched overhead blue and endless and dizzyingly bright and the air above the tawny sandhills shimmered with heat haze.  The place had been chosen on the basis that if Calcite and Sugilite were going to fight they'd better do it somewhere with as little to crash into as possible.  The sky arena had been ruled out on the basis that Pearl would really like it to continue to exist, and there was no guarantee of that with Sugilite’s participation.  

Amethyst had rolled in around mid-morning with Peridot in tow and reacted to the plan with  _ extreme  _ enthusiasm, so that was a go.  Peridot had looked a little less thrilled but had assured Amethyst she’d come along to cheer for her.  Pearl, at this point, had darted off to her room and came back hauling a sword about as long as she was tall.  

“What's  _ that?”  _ asked Peridot, wrinkling her nose. 

“It's a Zweihänder; isn't it nice?” Pearl asked brightly.  “I was just thinking that it might be useful to have a material weapon as well as the, well, unicorn horn.”

“You mean to cheat?” Amethyst snorted.

“Weapons aren’t cheating.  They’re just  _ sensible.” _

“Hey, can I have a look at that?” Jasper asked.  “Don’t think I’ve seen it before.”

“I hoped you’d like it.”  Pearl handed it over and Jasper tested her grip on the handpiece, swung it through the air a little, drew a figure of eight.  With her holding it the sword didn’t look so outlandishly big, but it was still a serious piece of cutlery.

_ “This _ works,” she said.  “Good weight, nice balance, even a pretty pattern on the hilt!  You have the best gear.  It’ll be perfect for us.”  She smiled down at Pearl and Pearl beamed in response.

“Okay then, bring the pigsticker,” said Amethyst.

“Zweihänder,” said Pearl.

“Zwieback,” said Amethyst.

_ “Zwei —  _ pff.”  Pearl looked away before turning back with a smile.  “I’m not going to play that game.  Come on, let’s  _ brawl,  _ shall we?”

So the place had been chosen, a bare tract of rough sand in amongst tall, weirdly wind-carved rock formations the colour of dried blood, and now Peridot and Steven had a ringside seat, sitting up on a big rock with a parasol and a cooler full of pop and a big bag of mini hard pretzels, and Peridot was setting up to film the bout on her tablet.

“Thanks a lot,” Steven said.  “Since Connie has to miss this I really want a video to show her, but my phone’s low on memory.”

“You’re welcome,” said Peridot, “after all,  _ everyone _ loves the Fusion Show.”  She sounded as if  _ she _ maybe didn’t love it so much, but she was frowning in concentration as she tapped and adjusted things on the screen, so Steven decided not to distract her by asking about it now.  Besides, he was pretty excited about getting to see Jasper and Pearl form Calcite.  They were standing together a little way off, talking; Jasper was wearing the Zwieback (Amethyst insisted on calling it that and to Pearl’s very mild irritation Jasper thought it was funny and had been copying her) slung on her back so she could draw it over her shoulder.  With that she looked even more imposing than usual, and Pearl kept bobbing up on her toes towards her flirtatiously, and each time Pearl flirted and fluttered at her Jasper got all sheepish and blushy, which was just so funny and cute and nice.  They were so cuckoo for each other, surely all this stuff about Sheena wouldn’t last.

“Ey, yo, Peapod!  You got that thing ready?” Amethyst bellowed from the sand.

“Nearly!” Peridot shrieked back.  “You want me to livestream this?”

“Nah man, just for posterity!”

“Then we’re good to go!”

“You guys are like ten feet apart,” Steven pointed out, rubbing his ear nearest Peridot.  “Okay everyone, do your thing!”

“You know it!” Amethyst cried gleefully.  She and Garnet joined together in an exuberant tangle of flying limbs and Sugilite loomed up over them all, chuckling in her huge rough voice.  Steven tore his attention away from her to see Peridot’s reaction. Her jaw hung open and her eyes were as wide as he’d ever seen them and there was a vivid spot of periwinkle blue burning on each of her cheeks.  

“Good  _ grief!”  _ she exclaimed.  

“I know, isn't she  _ awesome?”  _ Steven asked, thrilled to see her so impressed.  

“That's just — just —  _ excessive!”  _ Peridot sputtered. 

“You like what you see?” Sugilite asked with a jagged grin.  Peridot’s eyes bugged wider and she hid her face behind the tablet, blushing furiously.  

“Carry on!” she squeaked.  “Jasper, Pearl, you’re up!”

“Right!” said Pearl brightly.  She turned to Jasper and bowed; Jasper was still staring at Sugilite and didn't notice.  

“How the  _ hell,”  _ she said, frowning, and seemed to lose her thread; she gestured helplessly at the general expanse of Sugilite.  “Where did all  _ that _ come from!?”

“Your nightmares,” said Sugilite, posing. 

“That's ridiculous!”

“Well, not if you consider that the average Amethyst is closer to your size,” said Pearl.  “We think Amethyst’s  _ potential  _ size tends to come out in her fusions, that and Garnet has a tendency to  _ magnify _ any fusion  _ she's  _ a part of.  She is impressive, isn't she?”  She looked up at Sugilite a trifle apprehensively.  “Today is just for fun, yes?”

“I owe you one for last time we tangled, but I’m not here to ruin anyone’s day.  Don't worry, pork chop,” she added with a nod to Jasper.  

Jasper's face reddened.  “Only Amethyst and Steven get to call me pork chop,” she said.  “You're a new person to me so you don't just inherit Amethyst’s name-calling privileges.”

“You're allowed to call her a pork chop?” Peridot asked Steven, crinkling her nose. 

“I thought only Amethyst was,” he said, shrugging.  

“But what's the appeal?”

“They just like it, I guess — you know how much Amethyst likes food nicknames.”

“Yeah, sweet pea,” said Sugilite, which further flustered Peridot.  She looked like she wished she had a turtle shell to pull her arms and legs into.  She settled for trying to curl her yellow-tipped toes under her feet. 

“That's a flower, not a vegetable, the name is misleading,” she muttered.  

“Come on, Jasper,” said Pearl, slipping her hand inside Jasper's elbow, “let's show her what  _ we _ can do.”

“Yeah, show me,” said Sugilite, putting all her hands on her hips as they bowed to each other.  As soon as her attention was off them Peridot thumped Steven in the arm. 

“Why didn't you warn me she's hot?” she hissed. 

“I didn't know that was something that needed a warning!” he protested.  

“I didn't know where to put my face!”

“But how do I know who you’ll think is hot?”  Sugilite was fantastic-looking but he probably wouldn't have described her that way himself.  

“Ugh!  Never mind.  Sorry about your arm,” she added in a mumble.  

“I didn't know Amethyst calls you sweet pea, that's so cute.”

“It's a lot cuter than  _ pork chop _ at any rate.”  Peridot looked up, squinting at Jasper and Pearl., who did seem to have been waltzing for a while.  “When do they fuse?” 

“Maybe they're just enjoying dancing together?” Steven suggested.  “There's no hurry, and I know they both love dancing just for fun.”

“Jasper looks sweaty.”

“It's not working,” Jasper whispered to Pearl, although they could all hear her; Jasper’s whisper carried.  

“It will,” Pearl said.  “Some times take a little longer, that's all.  Are you ready?”

“For what?”

“You know what,” said Pearl, and swept her arm around Jasper's waist and dipped her.  That seemed to tip the balance in more than one way; there was a flare of light and Calcite straightened up, looking cheerfully ruffled. 

“How’d she  _ do _ that?” Peridot asked indignantly.  “Was that kung fu?  I think kung fu is cheating.”

“Whatever works,” said Sugilite, shrugging one set of shoulders while she cracked the knuckles of her other pair of hands. 

Calcite drew the sword from her back and held it up vertically before her face, just like a knight, Steven thought.  “Lovely,” she said with a gleam in her eye.

“Yeah, that’s cute,” said Sugilite, producing her flail and giving it a little warm-up swing.  “Come get some.”

“Don’t mind if I do!”

Calcite fought not just like a knight but a knight jousting on horseback; she charged with her head lowered and her gleaming horn out in front.  Sugilite dodged and hurled the flail after her so that it essentially punched her in the butt, forcing her into an awkward leap forward and a sprawling landing in the sand, looking oddly like Bambi sliding on the ice, while Sugilite laughed raucously.  Calcite got her legs back under her and wheeled around, shaking back her hair.  

“You get one free shot,” she said, “and that was it.”

Sugilite blew a raspberry.  “Bravado.  You’re a show pony.”

“Am I now?” Calcite asked, her golden eyes narrowing.  As Steven and Peridot watched she began to fight smarter; she took advantage of her speed to run literal rings around Sugilite, goading her to swing her flail in the direction of where Calcite wasn’t any more.  Sugilite caught on to that trick fast and gave a show of speed of her own with a spin-dash that Calcite only narrowly dodged.  They closed in on each other and retreated, each trying not to get hemmed in between rock formations, Calcite fending off the encroaching flail with her sword, or in one case by spinning in place and kicking out with her hind legs like a donkey.  They connected with the fist of the flail with a resounding crack and flung it straight back into Sugilite’s belly, briefly winding her.  She came up snarling and swung the flail low and fast so that not the fist but the lash struck Calcite at ankle height, whipping her legs out from under her and dropping her with a crash, leaving her with her own belly upturned and vulnerable to a heavy kick.  

She managed to roll away from that and heaved herself back on her feet, using the sword point down in the sand like a walking stick to help herself up, panting roughly.  

“No shame in losing your first fight,” Sugilite said, swaggering nearer.  “In fact, you being so new and all, I’ll let you say uncle now and I won’t even poof you.”

“Aunt!” snapped Calcite, and while Sugilite was looking confused about that she threw her sword at her.  It missed completely and stuck shuddering in the rust-red cliff just behind her, releasing a rockslide that buried Sugilite completely.  For a short time there was nothing but dust and the echoes of the rumbling roar of the falling rocks and Sugilite’s angry cry as they clobbered her.  Steven coughed and wiped at his eyes; Peridot was coughing too but had the advantage in eye protection.  As the air cleared Steven made out the shapes of Jasper and Pearl, separate again and sitting on the sand catching their breath, while smaller stones rolled clinking and clattering out of the pile as Garnet and Amethyst crawled out.  

“Good game,” croaked Amethyst, coughed up a rock and flopped across Jasper’s lap.  Garnet helped Pearl to her feet, with a little difficulty because she was goosey and giggly, and they dusted each other off a little.

“Impressive,” said Garnet, smiling.

“Not really,” Pearl said with a modest little laugh that turned into a gleeful chuckle.

“We had to use an extra weapon and even then we only won with a trick,” Jasper said.  “I wasn’t much use at all, both those things came from Pearl.”

“Shutuppayouface,” said Amethyst, rolling onto her back.  “Calcite was  _ tough. _  Not to mention it takes a serious arm to be able to throw the Zwieback and have it just  _ stick _ like that.  But ‘aunt?’”

“I dunno,” Jasper said, shrugging, “I guess it’s the opposite of uncle?”

“I can’t really explain that one,” said Pearl, “but as Sugilite herself said, whatever works!”  She twirled around and threw her arms round Jasper’s neck from the side in a proud hug.  “Our first shared victory!  It wasn’t  _ elegant _ and I’m still a little winded, but not too shabby!”

“You think so?” Jasper asked hopefully.  “I didn’t want to let you down.”

_ “Jasper,” _ Pearl said, shaking her head, “you do not let me down.  I rely on you and you come through.”  She pressed her cheek against Jasper’s for a moment while Jasper turned an interesting shade of brick red.

“Wooooo, get a room,” said Amethyst.  Jasper put her hand over her face and she made muffled raspberry noises until she took it off and wiped the slobber on Amethyst’s hair.  “Plus,” Amethyst went on as if she hadn’t been interrupted, “you gotta remember Suggie’s a fusion  _ on _ a fusion, so you guys  _ still  _ punched above your weight.  Hey Per-bear!”  She sat up and waved.  “Ya get all that?”

“Yeeeees,” said Peridot, her tone a bit lacklustre.  She straightened up and added, “You were great!  Well done!  Excellent fighting.  But… I should get going, I just got a message from Lapis she wants my help with something.”  She tapped the screen of her tablet, although Steven, sitting beside her, could see that there was no message app open and no notification.  Besides, what would Lapis send a message  _ from? _

“Would Lapis like me to come help too?” he asked.

“Uh… yes.  Yes, I think she’d appreciate your input.”

“Okay,” said Amethyst, flopping back on Jasper’s lap.  “I’ll come up later and you can play me the vid.”

After waving goodbye to the others (Jasper and Pearl were beginning a detailed post-game analysis of the fight) Steven and Peridot trudged through the sand toward the nook in the rock formations where the warp pad stood.  

“So… you want to talk about something?” Steven asked, and took the last swig of his soda.  He held out the empty can toward Peridot and she pinched her fingers together in the air, crumpling it.  That seemed to cheer her up a little bit.  

“I don’t really  _ want _ to talk about it but it  _ does  _ bother me,” she said.  “It’s just that  _ fusion _ is such a big screaming deal.  I see a display like that and I feel so… I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to do it.  I wish I could test it out before I  _ try _ with Amethyst so if I fail at least I’m not disappointing  _ her _ but it’s not as if I can practise.  I think Lapis would rather be rolled down a hill in a barrel full of tacks than fuse with anyone again.  Not that I can blame her.”

“Well, I’ll practise with you if you want,” Steven offered.  “I’m not the world’s best fuser but hey,  _ I _ went from not being able to do it at all to doing it by accident to being able to do it pretty well!”

“Your past ineptitude  _ would _ make you a less intimidating practice partner,” Peridot said thoughtfully.  “When I see what Amethyst and Garnet can do it just makes it all the more daunting.  I’m not going to be able to offer her anything like that, all that size and power and… that mass.  But by practising with you I could get some idea of how I might combine with a Quartz Gem, right?  If I can at all.”

“Exactly!”  Steven patted her on the back as they climbed up onto the pad.

“Then let’s go start now!”

“Okay!”  

When they got back to the barn, Peridot led him inside, cleared some litter off a big beanbag chair and said “Right!  I think it would be most productive if we started by reviewing our footage from today — observe how the experts do it.”

“Okay, but we did just watch it in person,” Steven pointed out, sitting down next to her.

“But this way we can rewind and review specific portions in slow motion!”

“Oh, good point.”  Steven wasn’t really sure  _ watching _ was going to make the difference, he thought  _ doing _ or at least  _ trying _ was more how fusion worked, but if it would be encouraging for Peridot that was a good start.  They leant their heads together and Peridot started the video.  They were both watching closely when Lapis swooped in through the open door and pattered up behind them.  

“What’re we watching?” she asked, leaning over Peridot’s shoulder just as the video reached the point where Pearl swung Jasper around and dipped her.  They both looked up guiltily and found her face blank and still, as if Peridot had paused it when she paused the video.  

“Sorry,” Peridot blurted out.  “Sorry!  You were out!”

“Um,” said Lapis, straightening up, her face still rather blank.  “No, no, don’t worry about it.  I mean, I knew it happened, you did tell me.  Didn’t expect to see it like this, but — well.”  She spoke more quickly.  “You know I think that’s really a very good thing, she’s moved on, she’s found something better, she’s certainly not going to bother  _ me _ again.  Very, uh, very healthy.”  She nodded firmly, then gave a stiff little laugh.  “How did Pearl  _ do _ that?  If Jasper is anything, she’s  _ heavy.” _

“We don’t know but I suspect kung fu,” Peridot said cautiously.

“That’s not exactly what kung fu  _ is,” _ Steven said.

“Could you play the rest of it?” Lapis asked.  “I’d like to see — Calcite, was it?”

“You’re sure?” Steven asked.  

“Yes,” Lapis said, nodding slowly.  

“Okay,” said Peridot doubtfully, pressing play.  The tablet screen whited out for a few moments and on the audio you could hear Peridot saying a rude word.  Then the picture came back with a slightly wonky shot of Calcite which straightened up after a moment.

“Pretty great, right?” Steven said hopefully.

“Huh,” said Lapis.

Well, “huh” wasn’t a ringing endorsement but it didn’t sound like she was upset.  “I don’t know her very well yet but she seems really sweet,” he said.  “Excited to exist.”

“Well,” said Lapis, “I wish I could say that for Malachite.  E-excuse me.”  She turned away.

“Lapis,” Peridot said anxiously, dropping the tablet on Steven’s lap and twisting around to clamber over the back of the beanbag.

“I’m all right,” Lapis said, hugging her elbows and bowing her head, “don’t fuss.  I just — this is what you get, isn’t it?  Regrets.  I know I deserve to feel bad about this.”  She gave another stiff little laugh.  “The silly part is, Malachite  _ was _ excited to exist, it’s just the reasons for her existence were… yeah, I don’t think I should dwell on that.  She’s not coming back and it’s for the best.”  She turned round and smiled at Peridot, then at Steven.  “It’s okay.  I mean I looked first without asking and then I  _ asked _ you to show me.  My mistake.”

“You don’t have to act like you’re okay,” Peridot said, patting Lapis’ arm.

“I’m actually not acting.  I mean, I’m not okay either, but I’ll cope.  Thanks.”

“I can go,” Steven said.  

“Would you?” asked Peridot, looking relieved.

“Peridot,” said Lapis in an undertone.

“Well, he’s being very considerate,” said Peridot.

“Or stay if that helps more?” Steven suggested.  “If you want to talk about things?”

“I really don’t,” said Lapis, “but you’re welcome to stay as long as you want.  I’m just going to go upstairs and watch TV.  You can come too.  If you want.”  She turned and went to the loft ladder and climbed up.

“I really think she would like you to go but she doesn’t want to make you feel unwelcome,” Peridot whispered hoarsely.

“Mm, yeah, I think so too,” Steven whispered back.  He wished more than anything he knew something he could say or do to make Lapis feel better, but was she  _ right _ when she said she deserved to feel bad about Malachite?  Maybe?  A little?  And yet he so didn’t want her to, because she was his friend.

“We should try again another time, though,” Peridot said, still whispering.  “I’ll message you.”

On the way back down to the warp pad his phone pinged in his pocket, and he wondered if that was her already.  He dug it out of his pocket for a look.  

_ This is a message for Jasper (sorry lost her email) — really sorry but I can’t make tonight, have to help a friend.  Sorry for hassle but can you tell her?  Thanks — S. _

That was sort of a relief, he guessed, except that Jasper would be disappointed.  He wasn’t sure how Sheena had his number either, but he typed back “Okay, thank you” and a smiley face because he didn’t want to be rude just because he had his doubts about her.  And at least she was a person who wouldn’t just stand someone up.

Jasper took it pretty philosophically when he found her in Amethyst’s room, painting on the wall and blasting Pantera.  “I’m sure she’ll get back in touch,” she said.  “And hey, if Greg comes through soon with the phones I can call her back and you won’t have to be the go-between.”

“How did she know my number anyway?  I don’t think I’m in a phone book.”

“I borrowed your phone to call her once.  Could she track it back from that?”

“Oh.  Yeah, of course, she would just need to look at her call log.”

“I would’ve asked but you were sleeping  _ hard. _  What do you think of this?”  Jasper gestured up at the wall.  She’d painted a huge portrait of Calcite, almost life size, and had even blown glitter into the wet paint to make her look appropriately sparkly.  She herself was now glittery from head to foot.  “I don’t think I got the legs quite right.  They’re so weird.  I thought painting her would be a good way to kind of get comfortable with that shape.  Pearl says it’s good and beautiful and strong.  I think I need some more convincing.”

“She looks great.  You should be proud.  I mean, I’m not an art teacher or anything but I think you’ve really developed as an artist!  Everything looks more 3D.  And the hair looks more…. hair-y.”

“I guess if I do anything enough I’ll get at least a little better at it,” Jasper said with a small, pleased smile.


	31. Chapter 31

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is only a small chapter as I've been having difficulty continuing this story - but I am still trying, as I hope this shows. The story has to eventually come _back to Beta_ but I haven't yet found the way. In some ways I've completed what I wanted for Jasper, and I may be taking on something of too much scope in trying to continue, but it's also hard to find the right point at which to leave your characters when you haven't had a strong plot to resolve.

It took about three days for the glitter to wear off Jasper, and she transferred most of it to Amethyst who fortunately did not mind.

“Peri thought I did it on purpose to look like shoujo manga and it was awesome,” she reported.  “So I did the eyes but she said that was uncanny and asked me to stop.”  She dumped herself down in Jasper’s lap in front of Steven’s TV.  “So what’re we watching tonight?”

_ “Samurai Jack,”  _ Steven reported.  “A classic tale of courage, heroism and great flaming eyebrows.”

“And tonight I  _ made _ the pizzas,” Jasper said proudly.  “From scratch.  They’re in the oven now.”

“Oh man, remember when Bismuth made us all pizzas?” Amethyst asked.  “Well,  _ you _ don’t remember, big J, you missed that.  But it was great.”

“I didn’t know she  _ cooked,” _ Jasper said, her eyebrows going up.

“Stee-man taught her.”

“Huh,” said Jasper.  “Didn’t think I’d have  _ that _ in common with her.  Although Pearl taught  _ me.”   _ She turned to Steven, who was fiddling with the DVD player.  “Hey, since we’re all together for once, do you want to talk about your plan for Bismuth?  You want to get started on that, don’t you?”

“Ah,” said Steven, sitting back on his heels.  “Well, I do and… I don’t?  I guess I’m pretty nervous about it, but I know I need to tackle it.”

“You tackled me,” Jasper pointed out.  “I’d like to think I’m scarier than her.”  She glanced from Steven to Amethyst.  “I  _ am _ scarier than her, right?”

Amethyst seesawed her hand in the air.   _ “Were _ scarier,  _ are _ scarier?” she said.  “It’s kind of apples and oranges.  Why do you wanna be scarier?”

“I don’t know.  I guess it makes me feel special to be the scariest.”

“But there are so many better ways you’re special,” Steven said earnestly.  “You’re kind and helpful now.  You’re a friend and a protector.”

“Doesn’t mean I don’t wanna be able to put the fear of Jasper into people if I ever need to,” she said, shrugging.  “Besides, the fight you don’t have because the other Gem is too scared of you to even try it is a fight you win without breaking a sweat.  And without hurting anyone,” she added for Steven’s sake.  He still looked a bit dubious about that.  “It’s just strategy, Steven.  You might need to use it sometime.  You might even want to scare Bismuth a little, if you’re worried about her cutting up rough.”

“I definitely don’t want to scare her.  I want us to build trust.  And I don’t really think she’d try to hurt me, I guess, I mean we fought, and I did  _ stab _ her, but…”  He trailed off, looking at the DVD case in his hands, the cover showing a white-robed figure holding a sword.  “I don’t  _ think _ she bears a grudge.”

“Listen, rosebud, I’ll be there with you and if she so much as nudges you I’ll demolish her.  I was enough of an ass to both of you when you were trying to help me, I have no patience with her doing it too.”

“I really, really appreciate you wanting to protect me but  _ please _ don’t do anything unless I ask you for help.  Okay?”

“Okay,” Jasper said, shrugging.  Downstairs the oven timer dinged.  “Get off me, hot dog, dinner’s up.”

That provided a comfortable distraction to enjoy alongside the first few episodes.  Jasper thought she understood what Steven saw in this show; apart from the fact that he clearly just thought samurai people were cool, Jack seemed like a very pure-hearted hero.  His situation was hard but not complicated.  Aku was just plain evil.  His minions were robots, so Jack could “kill” them without hurting any living thing, in fights that were fantastic and dynamic and not particularly realistic but not in a way that mattered.  Also there were cute talking dogs.  

She sat leaning against the foot of Steven’s bed with Amethyst sprawled in her lap and Steven sprawling on the bed, resting his chin on top of her head.  It was cosy in a way that she hadn’t fully realised she’d been missing while spending more time with Pearl.  They could certainly be cosy and cuddly together but she couldn’t relax like this at a time like that; last night they had sat out on the deck watching the stars and Pearl had sat on her lap and rested her head on her shoulder and she had felt electrified the entire time.

Steven started to get restive while Jack was freeing the noble Woolies from their captivity with the Chritchellites.  Jasper could feel him squirming about and reached up to put a hand on his head, stilling him.  “You either lean on me  _ or _ you wriggle, you don’t do both.”

“Sorry.  I’m just getting twitchy thinking how much I still have to do.  There’s Centipeetle and her friends too.”

“Well, they sound like a way easier crowd than Bismuth,” said Amethyst.  “Why not visit ‘em?  You might not be able to heal them yet but I bet they’d like to know you’re still on the case.  Might be a confidence builder.  You can work your way up.”

“Listen to you all smart,” said Jasper, gently knuckling her head.

“It’s ‘cuz I hang out with an  _ intellectual,” _ said Amethyst.  “Nah, Peri’s pretty clueless about this stuff.  Makes me feel like a genius sometimes.”

“That  _ is _ a good idea,” Steven said.  “I  _ can _ go see them even if I don’t have the answers yet, right?  We should go tomorrow!  And Jasper’s good at understanding corrupted Gems, so we might even figure out something when we’re there!  You’ll come, right, Jasper?”

“In the morning, sure.  In the afternoon Pearl’s giving me a driving lesson.”

“What are  _ you _ gonna drive?” Amethyst asked.  “We don’t know anyone with a monster truck.  With no roof.”

“Greg’s car.  I just shrink down a little to fit inside.  I couldn’t do a long road trip without getting out to stretch and rest a few times but I can handle short drives.  Pearl likes teaching me things, and I like… seeing her do things she likes.  She gets so… shiny.  Besides, it could conceivably come in handy at some point.”

“Is she gonna issue you a Pearl Licence?” Amethyst asked, snickering.

“I’m on my Pearl Learner’s Permit.  Or Pearlmit.  We thought that was kind of fun.”  She felt Steven awkwardly hugging her head.

“Thanks, Jasper,” he said.  “I think having you along could really make a difference.”

“Don’t get your hopes up,” she said uncomfortably.  “I’ll do my best but I can’t guarantee anything.”

 

The corrupted Nephrites proved to be living in a derelict starship in the depths of a jungle.  Jasper had hunted corrupted Gems in similar places, but missed this one.  Maybe that was for the best.  She didn’t like jungles as much as more temperate forests; there tended to be more creepers and things overhead and snatching at your hair.  Open landscapes were better still; you could see what was coming at you well before it arrived.  The only things coming at them here were the Nephrites, three of which came scuttling out of the ship to swarm around Steven, their segmented bodies long and sinuous.  They looked happy to see him; he fed them handfuls of chips from several bags he had stuffed into his cheeseburger backpack as provisions.

“Here,” he said, dropping fistfuls of chips into Amethyst and Jasper’s hands, “show them you’re friendly!”

“Bonding through junk food,” said Amethyst, “works for me.”  She started tossing chips to one of the creatures, which snapped them out of the air quite nimbly.  

Jasper crouched down and offered her open hand to the other two.  She felt awfully strange about encountering corrupted Gems without any kind of fight, but they seemed abnormally calm and composed.  They were inquisitive about her and about Amethyst, Jasper more so because they had seen Amethyst before, but Steven’s presence alone seemed to make them confident that there was no threat to them here.

“He’s kind of comfortable that way, isn’t he?” she said to the Nephrite that had taken the initiative to come up and nibble at the chips, showing a little more caution with her than she had when scarfing down Steven’s offering.  She had that much sense at least.  Of the three she was the one with the strongest feelings about Steven; the other two trusted him because she did and they trusted  _ her.   _ She was their captain, Jasper realised; they were the survivors of the crew of this ship.

“I’ve… been through something like what you’re going through,” she said carefully.  “It didn’t happen the same way and it wasn’t for as long, but it made a pretty deep impression on me.”

“You know how you came partway back from… this?” Steven asked the Nephrite captain, reaching out to lay one hand on her tufty mane.  “Jasper’s come all the way back.  I hoped it’d be encouraging for you to see that someone can do that.  If you ever want to try again, I want to help you.”

“Don’t say it like that,” Jasper said.  This was exactly the kind of being held up as an example she’d wanted to avoid; those old impostor feelings came roaring back.  “Not like if I can do it, she can too.  It’s different, I probably only had half a dose of what she’s got.  I mean — I mean you shouldn’t feel bad if you  _ can’t _ just do the same thing I did, because I’m pretty sure you’re starting off from a much harder point,” she said to the captain.  “Not that I want to discourage you,” she added hastily.  “I don’t know what you might be able to do, it’s not as if I know  _ you,  _ and… okay, you’re doing that now.”  

The corrupted Gem had reared up the front half of her body and planted her forelimbs on Jasper’s chest, seeming to look her in the eye.  Jasper knew the orb of jade in the back of the creature’s mouth wasn’t literally an eyeball but it was hard to avoid that impression.  The Nephrite captain chattered her black mandibles thoughtfully and then screeched to the other two, who gave up on wrestling with Amethyst in anaconda form and swarmed over, teeming round and round Jasper where she crouched.

“Whoa,” said Amethyst, wriggling over.  “What’s that about?”

“Are you feeling anything from them, Jasper?” Steven asked excitedly.

“They know me,” Jasper said, dismayed.  “I don’t know from where, or if we actually met or they just saw my picture or something, but they know me from the war.”

“Are they  _ fans?” _ Amethyst asked, popping back to her usual shape and helping herself to the bag of chips Steven still held.

“Shut up, Amethyst,” Jasper said, raking her hands into her hair.  They were so enthusiastic now that it was like having her mind vigorously  _ patted _ all over.  “They’re glad I’m okay.  They’re glad I survived.  You shouldn’t — look, I’m sorry.  I was supposed to be the big hope, right?  The symbol that the tide was going to turn?  I wasn’t.  It was all a bust, it was propaganda and hype.  I failed and the Diamonds decided to cut their losses and it was just luck that I was evacked and you weren’t.  You shouldn’t be so happy to see me, this is messed up.”

“You’re being too rough on yourself again,” Steven said.  “What do they say?”

“They just… they know all that.  But they’re still happy to see that I’m okay.”  Jasper shook her head.  “Well, I can’t argue with you if you want to be happy about dumb things.  Did I know you?” she asked the captain.  “Did you fly me somewhere?  I’m sorry I can’t remember.”

The captain clicked her jaws impatiently and reared back.  She coiled around on herself, rocking, and Steven stepped forward in concern as the other two corrupted Gems fell back, watching her.  There was a flare of light and she straightened up.

The insectoid features weren’t completely gone, there were small black mandibles protruding above and below her lips and chitinous scales here and there on her skin, but they were looking at a Nephrite, an almost normal Gem with the segmented body of that type, head, shoulders and chest, gemstone, then hips and legs.  She stood swaying slightly, breathing hard, the jade orb that formed the core of her torso rolling fast.  

“I thought that was your  _ eye,  _ not your  _ tummy!” _ Stevel exclaimed, and then, “Oh my gosh!  Oh my gosh!  You’re back, you’re you!  This is you!”

The captain opened her mouth, made a faint gasping sound, swallowed and tried again.  Her voice was faint and a little slurred, but it grew stronger as she spoke.  “Hello, Steven.  I want to thank you for believing in me.  This… isn’t easy but…”  He ran at her and threw his arms around her waist in a hug, almost knocking her over, but she held onto him and looked down at him in surprise before a hesitant smile grew on her lips.

“I’m so glad you feel better,” Steven said fervently.  “That’s all I wanted for you.”

“I don’t know how long I can stay like this,” Nephrite admitted.  She grimaced a moment and stood straighter, rolling her shoulders back.  “I don’t blame you if you don’t remember,” she said to Jasper.  “Towards the end we were all so exhausted it’s hard to remember any details.  And it was towards the end that we…”

“No,” Jasper said, shaking her head.  “I think I do remember you now.  You dropped me when we retook the Ziggurat, right?  For all of two days.  That place was a mistake.  They were looking for a symbolic victory but those vines…”  She stopped and took a deep breath, telling herself it was not the time to think about that.  “Was that you?”

“Afraid not,” said Nephrite, shaking her head.  “I picked you up after.  You’d gone berserk.  You nearly punched a hole in the side of the ship to escape before you realised you were safe and calmed down.”

“Ah,” Jasper said.  “I don’t remember a lot about that part.”  She eased her hands out of the fists they’d unconsciously formed.  “Thank you for getting me out of there, then.”

“Just doing my job,” said Nephrite.  “I was glad you survived then and I’m glad you’re here now.”

“I never did any real good for you,” Jasper said, wishing she could be anywhere but here.  She didn’t want this.  Nephrite was looking at her with fan eyes.

“Did any of us do any real good?” Nephrite asked with a rueful shrug, surprising her.  “I don’t know.  I thought you were beautiful.   _ Something _ beautiful came from this rock.”  She looked down at Steven.  “More than one thing, but that was what I could see at the time.  You know, I — I never made it this far before and it’s amazing but I don’t think I can stay… don’t think I can stay…”  Her voice faded, her form flickered and she collapsed to the ground, becoming a centipeetle again.  Steven continued to hug her, stroking her mane.

“That was so great,” he told her softly.  “You were so strong.  That was just the first time.  Just the first time.”

“Wow,” said Amethyst.

“Yeah,” said Jasper, shaken.

“She clawed her way back from the waking nightmare of corruption to hug Steven and hit on you.”

“She did not.  Don’t say that, you’ll embarrass her.”  She could feel that Nephrite was only amused, but  _ she _ was embarrassed and would quite like the subject dropped.

“Hey Neffy, you embarrassed if people know you think Jasper’s fine?  Wag your head for yes or your tail for no.”  Nephrite wagged her tail and Amethyst smirked.

“Well, I’m, um, very complimented but you should know I have someone special,” Jasper mumbled, her face heating up.

“Thought you guys didn’t wanna be exclusive.”

“Amethyst, this is you, and this is an ass-kicking,” said Jasper, holding up one forefinger and the other fist.  “Right now you’re here.”  She held them about an inch apart.  “You really wanna get any closer?”

“Hmmmm… not right now, maybe later.”

“Anyway, she didn’t mean it like that.  At least, she meant it but just as a compliment, that’s how it feels.  Right?” Jasper appealed to Nephrite, who wagged her head.  “There.  And she was calling Steven beautiful too.  Oh.  And you.  She’s… actually feeling pretty good about the Earth generally.  I get the impression it’s a recent development.”  She looked around at the three Nephrites, frowning in thought.  “They really feel different from any other corrupted Gems I’ve met.  Far more… stable?  More comfortable in themselves.  They don’t have that frantic feeling that something is  _ wrong _ and they’ve got to  _ do  _ something about it but they just don’t know what.”

“They’re chill?” Amethyst asked, scratching Nephrite’s head.

“Pretty much,” Jasper said, shrugging one shoulder.  “I think at least as long as they’re here, in a place that makes them feel safe, and they’ve got each other.  If you put them in a different environment I don’t know what would happen.”  She wondered, but didn’t yet want to put the thought into speech, whether you could do this for other corrupted Gems, create an environment for them from which they couldn’t stray and do damage, but where they would feel safe and could become calm, and that would make something more healing possible.  Not like the prison she’d created for all the corruptions she’d captured; something more like the hospitals humans had for their sick and injured.  There was no Gem equivalent but maybe there should be in this case.

She was thinking particularly of Bloodstone, and how desperately she had wanted to rest.  It had seemed as if the only rest she could have was being poofed and bubbled, and of course the regeneration of reforming could do a lot of good, but maybe she could also get the rest she needed… where?  It was hard to think where you could effectively contain someone who could burrow like a mole  _ and _ make her feel comfortable.  Something to keep thinking about.


	32. Chapter 32

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the final chapter of a story that grew way beyond what it originally tried to be, and it's honestly a relief that I found a way to finish it. There are still threads not tied off, but I have to ask you to accept those as an effect of a story that was never planned and just grew from what I felt a need for. I believe I made a mistake in trying to extend this story quite so far. I realised more recently that it needed only to be a Jasper rehabilitation story, and however much I love her, I shouldn't be trying to write the whole rest of her life! I hope by ending it here I've connected it to the beginning in a somewhat satisfying way. It feels abrupt to me, but I do not have the brain juice left to develop it any further.  
> My sincere thanks to all of you who have read and commented. Telling this story was a special experience and I hope you'll remember it fondly, as will I.

Since they had got back from visiting the corrupted Nephrites, Jasper had been brooding.  Amethyst wasn’t sure what she was hatching, but it seemed to require a lot of sitting hunched up by the washing machine, glaring out over the sea like a big orange gargoyle.  Even when she wasn’t on her brooding perch she was sort of preoccupied.

Naturally, Pearl fretted.  She cornered Amethyst in the kitchen when she was getting some eggs for a plan with Peridot; when she opened the fridge door and leaned in there was no Pearl and when she closed the fridge door Pearl had just sort of manifested there, fidgeting.

“Amethyst,” she began, “Do you think there’s something bothering Jasper?”

“Shouldn’t you ask, I dunno,  _ her?” _ Amethyst asked.  

“Well, of course I have.  She said she’s fine, but I just don’t feel as if she’s  _ really _ fine.  I wondered if she’s mentioned anything to you.”  She was doing that weird thing with her fingers where she pinched the tip of each one with the fingers of the other hand and sort of cranked them around.

“I do think there’s something eating her, but she’s not talkin’ yet.  Unless she gets weirder, I don’t wanna bug her to tell me about it.  I’m still  _ learning _ Jasper,” she admitted, “but I don’t get the feeling she’s upset, just thinking hard.  And she’s a Quartz, so you know that’s gonna take a while!”

Pearl didn’t argue the point, which was always the problem with self-deprecating humour.  “I hope she’ll tell  _ someone,” _ she said.

“You want it to be you,” Amethyst pointed out.  She chucked an egg in her mouth and swallowed it whole.  “Not that there’s anything wrong with that.  I mean, you love her and everything.”

Pearl looked down into her hands and her cheeks bloomed blue.  “I do,” she said, “and it’s so wonderful to feel this way again, but at the same time it’s not just  _ again. _  It’s something new.”

“Are ya gonna sing about it or something?” Amethyst teased.

“Oh, don’t get me  _ started,” _ said Pearl, fluttering.  She settled after a moment, though, just when it had seemed a musical number was imminent.  “Amethyst,” she said again, “I know you didn’t bring Jasper back  _ for _ me.  You did it because she needed you and you needed her, but I have certainly benefited and I truly thank you.”  She ducked in and hugged Amethyst tight.

“Ick, mush,” said Amethyst happily.

 

Pearl was going to have to settle for Jasper’s adoring devotion, because it was Amethyst that she told what was on her mind.  She did it while they were watching TV, Amethyst sprawled across her lap while she leaned against the foot of Steven’s bed.  It was a wildlife documentary about the Galapagos; giant tortoises were squishing around in mud and they were making appreciative fart noises with their mouths.  Then the scene changed to marine iguanas, which didn’t lend themselves to fart noises.  

“Amethyst?” Jasper said, her hand resting on Amethyst’s back.

“Yo.”

“I’ve been thinking.”

“A dangerous pastime,” said Amethyst, but Jasper hadn’t seen that movie yet, she realised.

“Maybe.  There’s something I need to do and I’m hoping you’ll come with me, but I’m going to go do it either way.”

“Okay, dramatic,” Amethyst said.

“Maybe,” Jasper repeated.  “I need to go back to Beta.  To the real one, not the one I dreamed.  I need to go and see what it’s like now, with a clear head, not lying to myself or desperate.  Will you go with me?”

“Sure I will.  I don’t know why you’d think I wouldn’t.  What brought this on finally?”

“Seeing those Nephrites.  I’ve known for a while I have to do something but I was still backing off from it.  I don’t even  _ know _ if I can help anyone get better but if I don’t really try then I suck.  I can look at the time up to now and say okay,  _ I _ was getting better, I’m still getting better, I needed enough time to get more stable.  That was justified.  But now I  _ am _ more stable I can’t justify not getting started.  I want to go back to the place I was made and I want to see if I can make it a safe place for corrupted Gems to recover.  Turn that dusty red craphole into something good.”

“You want Steven in on this too?”

“Of course I do.”

 

Jasper  _ knew _ the real Beta wouldn’t have any paintings in it and wouldn’t have her old hole reshaped into a cave, but it still looked and felt off to her when they arrived and it was just a bleak, rocky, rust-red sand-floored gully.  There were the holes that she’d enlarged by punching them out, there were the twisted pieces of metal she’d wrenched off the old injectors to bar the openings.  Here was the place where she’d fallen to corruption.  It seemed as if that ought to make it scarier to her, but it just had its existing load of bad memories, more distant now.  The sky above it was a vivid blue and the sun was bright.  

They walked up and down the canyon floor, looking up at the distorted Gem holes.

“I think you could do a lot with this place,” Steven said brightly.  “It’s just a fixer-upper.”

“I would want to clear out all the garbage,” Jasper said, kicking a broken injector arm out of her way.   “And I do think painting on the walls could help, but the wind and the sand are going to fade that fast.  Always something to do.”  She looked up.  “Let’s get up on the edge of this thing and get a bird’s eye view.”  She led the way, clambering up the rock face, before realising Steven was struggling and reaching back to swing him up above her, boosting him from behind.  They were near the top when Amethyst flew by in the shape of an owl.  She dropped them a sarcastic hoot in passing.  Steven chuckled ruefully and Jasper growled.  

When they hauled themselves over the clifftop Amethyst had become a roadrunner.  “Meep meep,” she said.

“Assmethyst,” said Jasper, dusting off her knees.  She looked back down the wall they had climbed and then along the winding course of the canyon.  “I think if we put up a gate — not a scary post-apocalyptic fort gate, just a strong gate so no one goes barrelling out in a panic — the place would be pretty secure.  They could feel safe  _ in _ here too.”  She glanced at Amethyst again, who was pecking in the dust.  “Show-off,” she said with a half-grin.

“Can you do birds now?” Steven asked.  

“She can do  _ flightless _ birds,” said Amethyst, preening one wing.  

“I make a very scary cassowary,” Jasper agreed, shrugging, and froze with her shoulders up.  She slowly lowered them.  “I’ve got to stop doing that,” she said.

“What, rhyming?  I think you should rhyme  _ more,”  _ said Steven.

“No, I’ve got to stop… I mean I’ve got to start the  _ next _ thing.  I’m gonna do it now.  I’m trying a flight.”  She’d been taking it for granted somehow that she wasn’t ready, that she needed to be told she was ready, but why?  That was like thinking she wasn’t ready to help anyone besides herself.  It might have been true up to a point but if she went on telling herself that she would only stagnate.

“Go for it!” said Amethyst, rolling back to her usual form.  “If you crash we’ll come scrape you off the rocks.  Steven can drool on you if you really tank.”

“What kind of bird are you going to be?” Steven asked eagerly.  “An eagle?  Ooh, or a condor?  Ooh!  Or you could totally flip the script and be a flamingo!  You love pink!”

“I did consider being a goose, because geese are terrifying, but I think I’ll start out with a hawk.  A hawk’s a good basic bird, right?  Fast, cool-shaped head, nice feathers?”

“Yes!  I myself favour the peregrine falcon.  I mean… if  _ I _ can ever turn myself into a bird.”

Jasper took a step back from the canyon edge, closed her eyes and concentrated.  There was a lot of detail on a bird, at least a  _ functional _ bird, but if you could do lace and sequins you could surely do all the kinds of feathers.  She could hear Steven applauding, so she must  _ look _ good.  She opened her eyes and checked herself out, turning her head and stretching her wings.  

_ “So cool,” _ breathed Steven.

“Yeah, nice plumage.  Remember, you need to flap hard to get airborne but you hardly need to move your wings once you catch a current.  Go for it, sis,” Amethyst said, and slapped her above the tailfeathers.  They stepped back to give her space.

_ I can’t do this.  Come on.  That doesn’t have to be true.  It’s a feeling, not a fact.  You  _ know _ that.  And you  _ know  _ you don’t need Lapis to be able to do this, because you’ve found out you can do so much more than you knew about.  Heck, do it so you can show off to Pearl.   _

She sprang into the air with a heavy downbeat, flapped once, twice, fighting her way into the sky.  It felt different from Malachite’s flight, there was more effort to it, but that made sense, she was using her own strength alone here, so it wasn’t going to be as easy but it would be  _ enough.   _ And then she felt the shape of the air change, pushing up  _ under _ her wings, and realised she had blundered clean into an updraft that lifted her in a broad swirl before she blundered  _ out _ of it and lurched downward before flapping her way back up.  She could hear distant cheering from below.  

_ I can fly.  I am flying.  No, I am not  _ crying,  _ you can’t cry and fly at the same time, pull yourself together, Jasper.   _ She spiralled higher up and got daring and tried a swooping dive from which she almost couldn’t pull up in time; her frantic flapping kicked up puffs of sand before she rose up again with a whoop.  She descended to fly along the course of the canyon, her wingtips almost skimming the walls, dodging and twisting with the curves, feeling briefly like the most aerobatically gifted Gem in existence before something caught her eye, distracted her and she smashed right into a rocky outcrop.

She’d instinctively summoned her helmet when something loomed up in front of her face, which also put her bird head off balance, and she went bouncing away down the canyon wall struggling to stay in one shape or another, with a series of grunts and curses before she landed in a heap on the sand, with a mostly normal body but wings instead of arms and a bush of feathers for hair.  She was shaking herself back into shape when Amethyst and Steven came scrambling down to her.  

“Are you okay?” Steven cried.  

“I’m fine, shut up!”

“I know that fall must’ve hurt but you don’t need to yell at me,” he was saying when she clapped her hand over his mouth.

“Be  _ quiet,” _ she hissed, and froze, listening.  Amethyst, who had been about to say something indignant, froze and expanded her ears, turning them this way and that like a fennec fox.  After a few moment’s heated silence, they all heard a faint scraping sound and then a soft thump on the sand around the corner from them.  “Keep quiet,” Jasper whispered, “and keep behind me.”

“What is it?” Steven whispered.

“Dude, I think we missed one,” Amethyst whispered back.  “But don’t worry.”

“I’m not worried,” he said gamely.  “We can always fuse, right?”

Jasper shuffled round to face the direction of the sounds.  No helmet.  It was important not to look aggressive.  She didn’t  _ need _ the helmet, anyway, she knew she could take her in a fight.  Already had.

Ocean Jasper came around the corner.  She was limping slightly, trying not to let one of her hind hooves touch the ground.  She looked rough; clearly the desert environment didn’t suit her.  But she was happy to see Jasper.  It shone out of her.

Jasper’s heart sank.  “Have you been  _ waiting _ for me?” she whispered.  It was so, so much worse than the anger and disgust she’d expected to face.  Ocean didn’t know any better.  Despite everything, she had still trusted Jasper, had still thought she would come back and tell her what to do.  It was a gut-punch of guilt.

“She was loose,” she heard Amethyst whispering to Steven.  “I guess she lay low till we’d all gone away and came back.”

Jasper knelt, holding out her hands.  “I’m sorry.  I’m so sorry, I never realised you’d be here, I thought you’d be long gone, you’d have gone back to your forest or something.  Are you okay?”

Ocean hesitated, her happiness and relief complicated by confusion.  She wanted Jasper to take charge again, to be in control, so she knew things were all right, someone knew what was going  on and was making the necessary decisions, even if that meant Jasper yelling at her or pushing her around.  She couldn’t make sense of Jasper taking a lower position, making a gesture of supplication.  It scared her because it meant things weren’t under control after all, the rules that she dimly remembered that meant she had a place and a purpose might not apply.  

Jasper took a deep breath.  “Come here,” she said more firmly.  “Show me that leg.”

Ocean hopped and shuffled over and extended her hind leg for Jasper’s inspection.  The ankle joint was swollen and she flinched when it was touched.  It looked sprained, as far as Jasper was any judge of injuries she hadn’t inflicted.  “I want you to hold still,” she said.  “Steven is going to do something to your leg to make it better.  I know you don’t know him, but I trust him, so there’s nothing for you to worry about.”  She felt terrible projecting this certainty.  All she wanted to do was somehow make Ocean understand how horribly she’d treated her so she would be  _ angry _ the way Jasper deserved, but on the other hand, right now Ocean needed her ankle healed.   _ She _ deserved that.  “Steven?” Jasper said, over her shoulder.

He approached carefully, holding his hands out flat.  Ocean was tense, growling faintly, and Jasper had to lay one hand on her broad, blank forehead to settle her.  “It’s okay,” Steven said softly.  “I can do this real quick, and you should feel better right away.”  He licked his palm and pressed it lightly on the swollen joint, then stepped back.  

Ocean stopped growling, tilted her head and made a sound best rendered as “baroo?”  She lowered her hoof experimentally, dabbed at the sand and pulled it back up, then slowly pressed it down properly as she realised it had stopped hurting.  She twisted around and sniffed at it.  The swelling had disappeared.  Ocean snorted.  Jasper felt a wave of gratitude from her.

“Well, don’t thank me, thank Steven, he’s the only one who can do that,” Jasper muttered.  From Ocean’s point of view, though, Jasper had  _ told _ Steven to do it; she had been in charge.  She was responsible and Ocean was grateful to her.

“Please stop,” Jasper said.  “Stop and listen to me.”  She combed her fingers into Ocean’s shaggy mane on either side, holding her head, and leaned forward to rest their foreheads together.  “I am so, so sorry,” she said.  “For the way I treated you, the way I talked to you.  That wasn’t being your leader, that was being an asshole because I was miserable.”  She felt confusion and dismay from Ocean.   _ She _ had let  _ Jasper _ down, not the other way round.  “And I don’t blame you for running away.  You were smart to get yourself out of that.  Got that?  You did the right thing.”  She felt Ocean hesitantly pressing back, trying to  _ comfort _ her.  

“Listen to me, Ocean,” she said, using her proper name for the first time, “because this is really important.  I was wrong about a  _ lot _ of things but I need to tell you this one right now.  It’s not your fault you’re like this.  You didn’t let it happen.  It was done  _ to  _ you, I still don’t know all about how, but you need to know that.  It is not your fault and it is not because of the Earth.  And it doesn’t mean that you’re ruined.  You — no, I’m all right.”  Ocean was trying to lick the tears off her face.  They had started to fall without her really noticing.  “I’m fine.  I was like you for a while, but I got better.  You  _ can _ get better.”

Ocean still felt uncomprehending.  Jasper couldn’t blame her for that either, what she was saying must sound completely contradictory.  At the same time, there was that trust, undeserved but unyielding.  

 

The sun was setting, painting the sky crimson and gold.  The four Quartzes sat on the rim of the canyon, facing west to watch it, although Ocean was lying on her side with her head in Jasper’s lap and seemed three quarters asleep by now, radiating weary contentment.  

“It’s nice she’s not mad at you,” Steven said hopefully.

“It’s not really,” Jasper said, shaking her head.  “I’ll know she’s really getting better when she  _ does _ get mad at me.”  She glanced sideways at him.  “I’m still going to help you with Bismuth,” she said.  

“I know,” said Steven, leaning his head against her arm.  “And soon we’ll have another friend to help us with everything.”

“Maybe not soon,” Jasper warned him.  “I don’t know how long Ocean’s going to need.”

“I think Osh is gonna be okay,” said Amethyst.  “She’s Quartz tough, after all.”

“And everything we learn from trying to help her we can use to help the next Gem even better,” Steven pointed out.  

“It feels like it’ll never really be over,” said Jasper.  

“Maybe it won’t,” he said, and both he and Amethyst snuggled closer to Jasper’s bulky warmth as the sun sank in a blaze of red, gold and pink.


End file.
